He wants us to get to know each other
I was engaged one and a half year back to this guy who is doing his post graduation in surgery. It was an arranged one. Soon after engagement he went back to the place of his work and we used to talk on phone, we were happy but he always used to complain that I am a very serious person and I hardly talks.
Since last six months he hardly calls and when I asked what was wrong with him, he used to say that he was worried about his studies. One day I asked him was it that he was not happy with our relationship and if he wanted me to call it off, he said he was not happy with me because our way of thinking was different. I asked him to talk to his parents about this but he didn´t, instead he tells me to come to his place and find myself a job there so that we get to spend some time together and get to know each other but my parents won´t let me do that I don´t know what to do...please help
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As salamu alaykum, sister shaheena,
Thank you for sharing, stay away from this man as fire, stop any contact with him and forget about him, he is not acting straight.
Talk to your parents, tell them the kind of man he is and finish your engagement, this man doesnt´deserve you. Stay strong and don´t give him any more opportunities. You want to be with someone that is sure that wants to be with you, not with someone that waits, and then regrets and then wants to take advantage of you without any responsibilities.
Don´t waste your time and your energy and get ready for the one you are called to be with, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Excellent advice sister Maria and very straight to the point, mashAllah.
Sister shaheena, I'd suggest you stay very far from this man. His intentions don't seem right at all. Follow through with sister Maria's advice; she's given you some wise insight.
-Helping Sister
Maria M ....
I don't think there is enough evidence to prove that this man is evil or has evil intentions .. I think the answer you gave was not balanced .
As salamu alaykum, Brother A muslim man,
He wants to know her better, after saying to her that he wanted to break up because they had different ways of thinking, then he decides to hide everything from his parents and get to know her, far from his/her parents in an enviroment where they are by themselves, she won´t have any family support, just him( this is a red flag, you may not see it as a man, but as a woman, shouts to me).
I am not saying he is evil or his behaviour is evil, what I think is that he is not straight, without marrying when they are together the third one between them you know who is.
After one year he decided they were non compatible and after other six months out from the air he wants to have her closer without marrying, sounds suspicious to me.
Where do you see he is acting right? I´ve read it a couple of times, I cannot see it anywhere.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
A "slight" overraction from Maria.
Shaheena, do not pay heed to her dreadful advise. She has disregarded the emotions of you, your fiance and both families and has not attempted to reconcile your relationship.
First, you and "this guy" need to be educated on the etiquette of engagement (like having a mehram present during your conversations). It is understandable that he wants a companion, and you are right to refuse, as this must be within the parameters of Islam.
Why can you not have a Nikkah contract at the very least? Any ceremony(ies) can follow at a later date.
This is the problem with long engagements.
Nabil, apparently you did not read the question properly. The guy does not want to marry her or do a nikah, he wants her to come to his city and spend time with him alone so he can "get to know" her. Clearly his intentions are not good.
Maria gave the best possible advice and I agree with her fully.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wael
Although I am dyslexic alhamdoLillah, I believe that my comprehension abilities did not let me down this time inshaAllah.
You are assuming two things. First, that he does not want to marry her. I believe that he does, because he is concerned that they are on different wavelengths and presumably the potential friction caused were they to marry. His solution was to ask her to move in with him - which is clearly wrong, hence they both must understand the etiquette and preferably do Nikkah - afterall, Shaheena did approach her parents for permission to which they refused alhamdoLillah.
And this is your second assumption. While her intentions are good mashAllah, she may also need some guidance on do's and don'ts of being a fiancee - else she would have only informed her parents of his request and not that she wanted to go ahead with it.
Having said this, I have made an assumption of my own to the contrary; that the guy has good intentions. The truth is we don't know but being positive is more beneficial.
With questions in this forum like: "Is it ok to have a boyfriend/girlfriend?", you cannot assume only the questioner has good intentions and is misguided. Overlooking the shortcomings (albeit unknown) of the second party is wholly unfair.
You can agree with Maria, but I couldn't pass judgement at a whim.
Well, thats my take on it, akhi.
As salamu alaykum, Nabil,
You are not reading/understanding the post properly.
..... " he tells me to come to his place and find myself a job there so that we get to spend some time together and get to know each other but my parents won´t let me do that I don´t know what to do" after reading this you think he has good intentions, but what I ask myself is what you call "good intentions".
In the first case, we cannot assume if he wants to marry or not, we don´t know it, we know he just want to be with her without marrying and this is a fact reading her post.
In the second case, she didn´t say it, she assumes her parents won´t approve and she is confused about which decision to take, that is why she is asking for advice.
I do agree with you in one point, every story has two sides and it is unfare to judge, assume or generalize and many times even being conscious of this is easy to fall in these faults, Alhamdulillah, there are people like you ready to remind us. Thank you very much for that.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walaykom Assalam wa Rahama Maria
There is a contradiction in what you say. You say that:
"In the first case, we cannot assume if he wants to marry or not...".
However, your initial post states:
"...stay away from this man as fire, stop any contact with him and forget about him".
This implies you believe he is of bad character and/or intentions. Is this not an assumption?
My point is that, while his solution to his/their problem is undoubtedly wrong (as I said previously), his desire is to make sure she is the right girl for him.
The only reason I think you advise to stop contact and forget him is because you assume him to be an evil person. Calling a man as fire is pretty strong.
The only reason I think they should not break is because I assume that they both need to understand the halal way of "getting to know each other" then decide.
This si why I disagree with your advice.
Secondly, I think you have misread the post in your quote:
"...he tells me to come to his place and find myself a job there so that we get to spend some time together and get to know each other"
As I said, this is wrong and assume is due to his lack of knowledge and understanding. And I assume he does want to marry her which is why he asked in the first place.
"...but my parents won´t let me do that.."
This clearly states she asked her parents and they forbid her. She was wrong to even consider this and puts her in the same boat as her fiance. But again, this must be due to his lack of knowledge and understanding. Afterall, she is asking for help.
"...I don´t know what to do...please help"
She asks for guidance in the forum.
Don't judge, Forgive mistakes
Just love, for Allah's sake
JazakAllah for your kind words and I ask you forgive me for my mistakes.
Ma'asalamah.
As salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh, Nabil,
Thank you for your Patience to explain everything. I will try my best with you, too, Insha´Allah.
I don´t assume he is evil, what I state reading her post and knowing about his intentions is that his intentions are evil, and this is not an assumption is a fact, he made the offer. Even when I can admit he has done it due to his lack of knowledge and understanding, I cannot be so naive to think that a single man wants a single woman to leave her house, her family, her job, her friends, ......to get to know her, .... she will be vulnerable, she will feel alone, he will be the closest point of security reference, do you need more details? would you allow your sister to be close to a man like this? would you offer this to a woman having straight intentions?
After you say "Secondly" you are the one making assumption after assumption, if you read a bit of this site, you would understand that assumptions won´t help anyone(and as I told you before I ask for forgiveness everytime I fell on that and I thank everyone that make me realize my mistakes). English is not my first language, but I think that won´t is will not, future tense (tell me if I am wrong, I will appreciate it) it doesn´t necessarily mean she has asked her parents, it means that the way her parents think, they wouldn´t allow her to do it, Alhamdulillah.
I am not judging and there is no need to forgive anything, we are just sharing our views and the points where we disagree and why, we are learning, I accept whatever is your opinion but in this case I don´t agree with your assumptions, basing myself on facts.
Only Allah(swt) knows all and only Him(swt) knows best.
Jazak Allahu Khairan
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I totally agree. If this man had good intentions, he would never you to change job to be nearer to him so you can get to know each other. He would simply jump on the next train or flight out to your city and ask your parents if he could meet you for a chat, either in your parent's home or in a public place. Thats the only halaal way. Tell your parents exactly what he said, and if they are intelligent people, they will break off this engagement.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with sister Maria,
He can get to know her on phone or after marriage also. 11/2 year engagement is quite long period. If he didn't find her compatible during this time how will things will change if she find job near by him.
You should call this engagement off and tell your parents everything. Why should you move area and look for a job near him and spend time with him? He hasnt even made an honest woman out of you yet? What right has he got to ask you this?. It is becasue you are decent sister and he wants to take advantage instead of doing things halaal way, please do not disobey your parents they are right listen to them and do not do anything haraam that will cause pain to you and your family honour this guy is not worth another second. If it bothers him being away from you that much then marry you now why waiting? Instead of making all the lime excuses in the book? I suggest sister you dont go ahead with marrying this waste of space of a guy if he is already making excuses now and attacking you as a decent woman whos to say he wants you because it appears he is the one who is not happy. Inshallah you find the answers and the path rom Allah's help ameen.
OMG what the heck is this supposed to mean "he tells me to come to his place and find myself a job there so that we get to spend some time together and get to know each other"..........................is doesn't sound good.......
Please follow what others have preached and stay clear of this man...................
All the best....
You sound emotionally attached, I believe that all contact before marriage requires the presence of a person from the woman's family. Speaking so much on the phone is not so advisable. Maybe meeting in person would have been effective. I would follow my sisters' advice, this person's intentions do not seem noble.
A man/ woman who loves Allah, will love you and will be loyal. Religiousness should the first criteria when looking for a husband/ wife.
"if you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything"
I wish you the best of luck and may Allah bless you and guide you on the right path
your muslim brother
Aasim
Salam dear sister Shaheena,
I cannot say whether he is good or not but I can say even if he seems really good/sincere type and if he really wants to marry you then he should put some, in fact a lot of effort to come and meet you in respecful manner and not alone.
May Allah (swt) makes it easy for you.