Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Trust issue in marriage

broken trust, trust, broken marriage, lies

Assalamualaikum.

I am feeling down right now, because no matter how hard I try, I hardly trust my husband. I met him two years ago because we lived in the same city in Japan. Then he moved to brazil because of work. During his time in brazil he cheated on me and slept with some women (in that time he was not muslim). Then after I knew that I said I wanted to leave him and started to find another better man. But he changed his mind and begged me to marry him and asked me to wait for him to learn about islam. Then 3 months he learnt about islam with a teacher from mosque he converted to muslim and married me 4 months later. Now it has been a month marrying him but I still feel hurt emotionally, disgusting about his past. The reason I am married him because he wanted to change and he needs someone to encourage him to be a good muslim. But deep inside my heart I am crying why I feel i cannot trust him. I feel so stupid by giving him many chances. I feel so miserable. I want to have a secure married.  He is still in brazil while i am in Japan bcuz I am in the half way of my graduate study (he will soon finish his job in brazil less than a year)

so i really dont know what to do. Often I really hate myself fighting about this insecurity. Many times I discussed with him what I expect and what i dont like.. but it is not helpful enough.

every weekend my mind is killing thinking of what he is doing there. I feel i become so paranoid and make my mental healthy worse. What should I do? I need a help and advices

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3 Responses »

  1. I'd say, based on what you said, there's a good chance that he's still cheating on you with other women. His history that you've explained is the first and strongest indicator. People cheat for various reasons, and they cheat in various ways and patterns. The serial cheater, however, is the worst and most predictable cheater. Cheaters of this type cheat due to some sort of psychological/emotional compulsion; they do not cheat by mistake or due to a one-time weakness or slip-up.

    Serial cheaters are among the most prolific liars, deceivers, and manipulators. They will lie convincingly about any any and everything to squirm out of any responsibility when they've been caught breaking your trust. I've been exposed to cheaters and deceitful people who are family, friends, acquaintances, and people with whom I've been involved (including muslimahs) so I've been able to observe their behavioral patterns and witness the way they rationalize their habits and practices.

    Cheaters of this sort are often ones who suffer from a disorder, such as narcissism, antisocial personality disorder, and either sociopathy or psychopathy. They often look normal, and even quite charming, on the outside, but they are damaged seriously on the inside. Whether they can help themselves or be helped depends on the severity of their condition(s). In most cases, trying to reason with them like a normal person WON'T WORK.

    If you are not comfortable being married to him, especially that he is separated by a great physical distance from you, I'd say trust those feelings. We are equipped with that feeling or sense to alert us when either something bad or dangerous is taking place. It's best to trust, rather than set aside or disregard, those feelings.

    The choice is yours, but be prepared for bad news during your marriage to him. These things happen to men and women. I've experienced this type of deceit even from muslimahs who look normal on the outside but are bad or rotten inside; however, a lot of women tend to fall for men of this type, perhaps because they somehow feel that such men are more interesting or even manly than decent, righteous men, but none of the latter is actually true. The truth is that such men (including women) are evil or suffer from evil afflictions. It's best you remove such people from your life, lest you suffer you're remaining years and become miserable and embittered.

    It'd probably do you some good by reading about narcissism. There's some good information on this by Kim Saeed and Shahida Arabi. Perhaps their information will provide you with more insight. All the best to you.

  2. are you quiet certain that he become a muslim do to your patient towards Allah and Allah has elevated you for that . he cheated on you because he slept with other woman in someplace else ?well the reason you didn't know about the history of Sahidna zainab the first daughter of prophet Muhammad who is married to a christian and not only that they're far away for years but she never consider his side of problem because he is not muslim and that his religion Permits him and you admit to it at first place by letting him in your way.

    May i tell you the history of How she spent her life till her husband finally become a muslim

    The Story of Zainab bint Muhammad 27 Comments
    Author: Bava

    This is a must read story of Zainab bint Muhammad, the eldest daughter of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her). The story shows the importance of having a great Patience in Islam.

    Abu al-‘As ibn Rabi’ was the husband of Zainab and was loved by Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) very much. One day Abu al-‘As ibn Rabi’ went to the Prophet (ﷺ) before he had received his mission of Prophethood and said: “I want to marry your eldest daughter”. So the Prophet (ﷺ) replied: “I must ask her first”. He went to Zainab and asked her: “Your cousin came to me and he wishes to marry you, do you accept him as your husband?” Her face turned red with bashfulness and she smiled.

    So Zainab married him, the beginning of a great love story! They had two children; Ali and Omama. Then Muhammad ibn Abdullahi became a Prophet of Allah while Abu al-‘As ibn Rabi’ was away from Makkah. When he returned he saw Zainab had become a Muslim. When he first came back, his wife said “I have great news for you”. He stood up and left her. Zainab was surprised and followed him as she said, “My father became a Prophet (ﷺ) and I have become a Muslim”.

    He replied, “Why didn’t you tell me first?” Hence a big problem began between the two; a problem of religion and belief. She told him, “I wasn’t going to disbelieve in my father and his message, he is not a liar, and he is “The Honest and Trustworthy”. I’m not the only believer; my mother and my sisters became Muslims, my cousin Ali ibn Abi Talib became a Muslim, your cousin Uthman ibn Affan became a Muslim, and your friend, Abu Bakr, became a Muslim”.

    He replied, “Well, as for me, I don’t want people to say, ‘he let down his people and his forefathers to please his wife’. And I am not accusing your father of anything”. Then he said, “So will you excuse me and understand?” She replied, “Who will excuse and understand you if I don’t? I will stay beside you and help you until you reach the truth.” And she kept her word for 20 years.

    He remained an unbeliever, and then came the migration. Zainab went to her father and asked him for the permission to stay with her husband. The Prophet (ﷺ) replied, “Stay with your husband and children”.

    So Zainab stayed in Makkah, until the battle of Badr occurred. Her husband was to fight in the army of Quraish against the Muslims. For Zainab, it meant that her husband will be fighting her father, a time Zainab had always feared. She kept crying out: “O Allah, I fear one day the sun may rise and my children become orphans or I lose my father”. So the battle started, and ended in victory for the Muslims. Abu al-‘As ibn Rabi’ was captured by the Muslims, and news of this reached Makkah.

    Zainab asked, “What did my father do?” They told her, “The Muslims won”. So she prayed to Allah, thanking Him. Then she asked: “What did my husband do?” They said: “He was captured”. She said, “I’ll send a payment to release him”. She didn’t own anything of much value, so she took off her mother’s necklace, and sent it with her huusbands brother to the Prophet (ﷺ). While the Prophet (ﷺ) was sitting, taking payments and releasing captives, he saw Khadeeja’s necklace. He held it up and asked: “Whose payment is this?”

    They said: “Abu Al’As ibn Rabi”. He cried and said “This is Khadeeja’s necklace”. As soon as the Messenger of Allah saw that necklace, he had a feeling of extreme compassion and his heart palpitated for the great memory. The Companions who were present there gazed in amazement having being captivated by the magnificence of the situation. After a long silence, the Messenger of Allah stood up and said “People, this man is my in-law, should I release him? And do you accept the return of this necklace to my daughter?” They answered in unison “Yes, Messenger of Allah”.

    The Prophet (ﷺ) gave the necklace to Abu Al’As and said to him: “Tell Zainab not to give away Khadeeja’s necklace”. Then he (ﷺ) said, “Abu Al’As, Can we speak privately?” He took him aside and said, “Allah has ordered me to separate between a Muslim and a disbeliever, so could you return my daughter to me?” Abu El’As reluctantly agreed.

    Zainab stood on the gates of Makkah waiting for the arrival of Abu Al’As. When he finally came he said, “I am going away”. She asked, “Where to?” He replied, “It is not me who is going, it is you. You are going to your father. We must separate because you are a Muslim”. She implored him, “Will you become a Muslim and come with me?” But he refused.

    So Zainab took her son and daughter and traveled to Madinah, and for 6 years she refused to remarry, hoping that one day Abu Al’As would come. After 6 years, he was traveling in a caravan from Makkah to Syria. During the journey, he was intercepted by some of the Prophet’s companions. He escaped and asked for Zainab’s home. He knocked on her door shortly before the dawn prayer. She opened the door and asked him “Did you become a Muslim?” He whispered “No, I come as a fugitive”. She implored him once more “Can you become a Muslim?” Again his answer was a negative. “Do not worry.” She said, Welcome the father of my children.

    After the Prophet (ﷺ) prayed the dawn prayer in congregation with the people, they heard a voice from the back of the Masjid, “I have freed Abu Al’As ibn Rabi”. Zainab had granted his freedom. The Prophet (ﷺ) asked, “Have you heard what I heard?” They all said, “Yes, Messenger of Allah”. Zainab said, “He is the father of my children and I have freed him”.

    The Prophet (ﷺ) stood up and said, “O people, I declare that this man was a very good son-in-law, he never broke his promise, and neither did he tell lies. So if you accept, I will return his money back and let him go. If you refuse it’s your decision and I will not blame you for it.” The companions agreed, “We will give him his money”.

    So the Prophet (ﷺ) said to Zainab, “We have freed the one you have freed, O Zainab.” Then he went to her and told her, …don’t let him get near you, he is prohibited for you.” She replied, “Sure, father, I’ll do as you say”.

    She went in and told her husband, “O Abu Al’As, didn’t you miss us at all? Won’t you become a Muslim and stay with us?” But he refused. Abu Al’As then took the money and returned to Makkah.

    Once he returned he stood up and announced, “O people, here is your money. Is there anything left?”

    They replied, “No, Abu Al’As, there is nothing left, thanks a lot.” So Abu Al’As said, “I testify that there is no god but Allah, and Muhammad is His Messenger.”

    Then he went back to Madinah and ran to the Prophet (ﷺ) as he said, “Dear Prophet, you freed me yesterday, and today I say that I testify there is no god but Allah and you are His Messenger.”

    He asked the Prophet (ﷺ), “Will you give me the permission to go back to Zainab?” The Prophet (ﷺ) smiled and said, “Come with me”; he took him to Zainab’s house and knocked on her door. The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “O Zainab, your husband came to me and asked if he can return to you”. Just like 20 years before, her face turned red with bashfulness and she smiled.

    The sad thing was, a year after this incident, Zainab died. Abu Al’As shed hot tears because of her death and drove those who were around him to tears. The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) came with eyes full of tears and a heart full of sorrow.

    Zainab’s death reminded him of the death of his wife, Khadeejah. He told the women, who gathered around Zainab’s corpse, “Wash her three times and use camphor in the third wash.” He performed funeral prayers on her and followed her final resting place. Abu El’As returned to his children, Ali and Omama. Kissing them and wetting them with his tears, he remembered the face of his departed darling.

    Abu El’As would cry so profusely that the people saw the Prophet (ﷺ) himself weeping and calming him down. Abu Al’As would say, “By Allah, I can’t stand life anymore without Zainab”. He died one year after Zainab’s death..

    May Allah be pleased with Zainab, the Prophet’s daughter and grant her Jannat-ul-Firdause for her patience, endurance and struggle. Ameen.

    Are you women of nowadays copying the life style of the prophets family or you're copying the western cultures and for every divorce that occured in islam or not in islam the Al-Arsh of Allah will shake and he who shake the arsh of Allah what is his consequences ?. Shaytan's first target is to tarnished marriages and he told his youngstars who ever destabilize a marriage i'll elevate him by a rank , So who do you want to be happy you in the day of qiyamah(hereafter) or shaytan in tarnishing your marriage by not being patient . And you leaving him how often did you know you'll get a better husband out there didn't you that this is a test from Allah to you particularly and you tonishing your marriage what if after your divorce the person go back to his normal life did you know for every misconduct he'd done you've 99.99% commission of hi actions.
    and what if you become patient
    Allah says innallaha ma'as sabireen . that Allah is with the patient ones.
    advise is to pray for him and for all that he'll do don't tell him this and that is wrong just give him an example of how wise men lead by example and how they became whom they're tobe by abstaining from wrong doers
    and if he do zina out there it is you whom is responsible for it.sorry, i know you have couple of chatting applications that you post pictures of your meals,nice shots,disguise,life in short. why not send him a picture of you everyday doing something new and from the time you wake-up developed an idea eg

    1Park for picnic
    go there and eat something a little illustrating to him how you miss him and how cantagorous it was without him tell him when he comes back it'll be a good time for your evenings
    2ask him did he know how to swim and he should zoom how you'll beat him on track
    which historic place is he interested in going .
    cook something good and said he is invited then before he say anything you said oh i miss your fragrance .
    ask him you're in brazil .he said yes,what type of natural food did he eats . he'll say why , you said because i want my husband to be healthier than he ever was so that every day u see him you'll thank Allah for choosing you such a charming,handsome young man with the structure of his linage that you can't wait a quarter to be saying sallam to him everyday ... i am sorry for this sentences but as a woman you shouldn't expect a man to be good for 0.01% , you should be the 99.99% to correct his mistakes not him to correct yours or shaytan to be the judge to your mistakes and impatience .
    Don't tell people your mistakes , tell Allah your mistakes by praying at night and reciting the dua that prophet Dawud made to Allah . and so long as you'll recite that dua all your prayers will be accepted known will remain unless you wrong yourself all say perform two nafllat and at the sujood of your your last nafilat you recite it

    اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْتَخِيرُكَ بِعِلْمِكَ وَأَسْتَقْدِرُكَ بِقُدْرَتِكَ وَأَسْأَلُكَ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ الْعَظِيمِ فَإِنَّكَ تَقْدِرُ وَلَا أَقْدِرُ وَتَعْلَمُ وَلَا أَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتَ عَلَّامُ الْغُيُوبِ اللَّهُمَّ إِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ

    you stop and make all your required problems and duas then you begin with KHairull li .
    خَيْرٌ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي فَاقْدُرْهُ لِي وَيَسِّرْهُ لِي ثُمَّ بَارِكْ لِي فِيهِ وَإِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ شَرٌّ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي فَاصْرِفْهُ عَنِّي وَاصْرِفْنِي عَنْهُ وَاقْدُرْ لِي الْخَيْرَ حَيْثُ كَانَ ثُمَّ أَرْضِنِي

    Allâhumma inni astakhiruka bi ilmika wa astaqdiruka biqudratika wa as’aluka min fadlikal-azimi, fa innaka taqdiru walâ aqdiru wa ta’lamu walâ a’lamu wa anta allamul ghuyubi. Allâhumma in kunta ta’lamu anna hâdhal amra khayrun li fi dini wa ma-ashi wa aqibati amri faqdir-hu li wa yassir-hu li thumma barik li fihi wa in kunta ta’lamu anna hâdhal amra sharrun li fi dini wa maâshi wa aqibati amri fasrifhu anni wasrifni anhu waqdir liyal-khayra haythu kâna thumma ardini.

    “O Allah, verily I seek the better [of either choice] from You, by Your knowledge, and I seek ability from You, by Your power, and I ask You from Your immense bounty. For indeed You have power, and I am powerless; You have knowledge and I know not; You are the Knower of the unseen realms. O Allah, if You know that this matter is good for me with regard to my religion, my livelihood and the end of my affair then decree it for me, facilitate it for me, and grant me blessing in it. And if You know that this matter is bad for me with regard to my religion, my livelihood and the end of my affair then turn it away from me and me from it; and decree for me better than it, wherever it may be, and make me content with it.”

    Abu Ad-Darda’ narrated that :

    the Messenger of Allah (saws ) said: “It used to be from the supplication of (Prophet) Dawud (pbuh) that he would say:
    ‘O Allah, indeed, I ask You for Your love and the love of those who love You, and for the action that will cause me to attain Your love, O Allah, make Your love more beloved to me than myself, my family and cold water
    اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ حُبَّكَ وَحُبَّ مَنْ يُحِبُّكَ وَالْعَمَلَ الَّذِي يُبَلِّغُنِي حُبَّكَ اللَّهُمَّ اجْعَلْ حُبَّكَ أَحَبَّ إِلَىَّ مِنْ نَفْسِي وَأَهْلِي وَمِنَ الْمَاءِ الْبَارِدِ ‏”‏ ‏
    (Allāhumma innī as’aluka ḥubbaka wa ḥubba man yuḥibbuka wal-`amalalladhī yuballighunī ḥubbak. Allāhummaj`al ḥubbaka aḥabba ilaiyya min nafsī, wa ahlī wa minal-mā’il-bārid)
    He said: “And when the Prophet (saws ) would mention Dawud, he would narrate about him, saying: “He (Prophet Dawood as) was the best in worship out of all men.”
    Hasan (Darussalam)Jami` at-Tirmidhi 3490

  3. He lives at a country like Brazil where there are many beautiful exotic women, which men lure for intimacy. You thought converting and marrying him will stop his cheating ways. You guys live in 2 different countries, come on what are the odds he will be faithful.

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