Anyway I can die that is not suicide.
asalamalaykum people.
I have a dilemma; a controversial one I must say, and it's killing me. I'm posting this message because it seems my efforts to change aren't paying off. I come to you as a fellow Muslim brother in desperate need of help because I can't do this alone, not anymore and it's taken me years to realize this.
Whatever you may believe about the subject i'm about to discuss, I want to stress to you all: I did not choose to be this way - I swear it. Would any right-minded person choose to burden themselves with something so detestable? Would anyone chose to have sexual relations that Allah in heaven has strictly forbidden? Would anyone chose to undergo the psychological and mental trauma that I have?
Regardless of your beliefs surrounding homosexuality and the nature nurture debate, the point is, i'm this way. I'm not proud of it, but I am this way and I hate it. So much so, that I wound have killed myself had it not been for Allah's ruling against suicide. I do not want to anger my God, I love him so much. It hurts so bad to even just to write that I have homosexual feelings - I feel like I've betrayed Allah.
This grotesque truth sickens me so much so that once I experienced a panic attack simply from realizing this fact. I feel tainted, disgusting and unworthy of Allah, but it's wrong for me to think that way because Allah is the most merciful and most loving, and nothing makes him feel more happy than one who repents, because repenting shows him that we desire to be righteous only for him, so I know my lord loves to forgive.
You may think that because I'm "a gay" all I want to do is lay around promiscuously among men, but the truth is, I want true love and a family with 10 sons and 5 daughters. But how can one achieve this when one cannot satisfy let alone feel any attraction to a woman whatsoever. And I know celibacy is one solution, but I have so much love I want to give and I can't and I just want to die.
I'm so scared and I don't know what to do. I'm too young for all this drama, and why me? Sometimes I feel so lonely, and I just cry. I will NEVER ever have a relationship any man
I will never reveal this secret to my family. Not because of fear; I love them and they love me, but because I respect and honor Allah, my family and their reputation. I do not want to cause them any harm to my family because of my shameful disease. And I am not one to reveal the sins that Allah conceals, bit I suppose this case is an exception, because I am here under an alias asking for advice and help.
If you hate because of this it's fine. If you believe I should die it's okay, I think so too. I just want this life to end somehow because I just cannot do this anymore. So, I suppose the question I wan to ask you guys is, do you know anyway I can die without it being direct suicide or something?
I have no idea what it's like to be straight but I'll put it to you like this. Imagine (if you're straight) that you suddenly were told you have to fancy the same sex. You feel absolutely uncomfortable with it because you have no sexual tendencies towards that particular gender. Nothing arouses you about them, and the idea repulses you. You wish you could return to being straight, how you were before...That's I feel about women. I desire men not women, but I don't live for me, I live for Allah.
When I look back into my earlier life, I being strangely drawn to boys from as early as 7 and i'm now i'm 18, and this fact repulses me.
redacreda
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If u really want to change you should really show some gutts. I too had a problem ..am nt gay but was a alcoholic and use to drink daily end up senseless. When i started to repent the first thing what i did was tell my mom about this and she was the 1 who changed me to this . One thing you should know is that " what allah does for the whole world is what your mom did for you . She created you with his blessings she protected you, nurtured you . Every thing you are is not yours its your moms ". You should tell your mom whats your problem . What ever happens at the end the only people left is your parents . And trust me on this even how much courage you say you have that wont be enough to break this news to your parents i know because i have passed through that phase . And if you think still your family does not need to know about this then you are doing yourself and your family a great mistake because you cant do this alone and pray everything will be alright
Salams,
I am sorry, but your response was a bit bias. Alcohol and homosexuality are completely two different things and cannot be compared! AlhumdAllah you were able to overcome your disease, but homosexuality is more complex than picking up a bottle or putting it down. You have a point about perhaps going to his parents for help and guidance, however, I can understand why he would be afraid and embarrassed! I do not know what such situation that either of you are or have experienced (AlhumdAllah), but I do sympathize with the situation! The situation that he is in, and the life he is trying to live while protecting his loved ones does take a lot of guts, and for him to admit to himself and to Allah (SWT) of his feelings and shame takes a lot of guts as well. Insha'Allah all the best!!
Allah Kareem
Dear Brother,
I sympathize with you and can understand your pain and confusion. I do not know what it is like to be in such situation or to even begin to understand what it is like to be homosexual...but I do understand pain. Brother, suicide is not the answer, Allah (SWT) is merciful and forgiving, but he will not forgive suicide! This is not the answer. You have been praying yes, and so you shall continue to do so...do not give up, Allah (SWT) will guide you and light your way. I understand that you have not had relation with men correct? That is good, refrain from acting on impulses, I believe if you should have relation with a man it would only hurt you more and your despair will become greater...from within. I understand why you do not want to go to your parents, but perhaps they can help you get through this and be supportive of you while you confront and (insha'Allah) conquer these feelings, feelings of suicide and self loathing. You should not be ashamed of who you are, only Allah (SWT) is the only judge and it is he who will have the last say. Do not take away from who you are as a person, you are still human and as humans we are subjected to weaknesses and temptations...and unfortunately a way of life that we have no control over. Brother, keep up with your prayers, go to your parents, and first thing is to start loving and forgiving yourself....you have accepted how you feel, though you may condemn it you have accepted it, now face it and start loving yourself...forgive yourself...and heal your soul. Allah (SWT) is with you, he has not, nor will forsake you...go to him and trust in him, rely on him, and leave it in his hands. Seek refuge with Allah (SWT) from the cursed shaitan!!!!! Allah (SWT) is Honest...shaitan is a LIER!! Insha'Allah all the best, I will make du'ah for you brother!
Salam Alaykom...
Salaam waleikum waragmatoelah hibrakatoe,
Dear brother, how can I put this for you.
1: Don't be afraid for your muslim brothers and sisters, we dont hate you, we love you as a person. we hate that ''disease''.
2: You are not alone and you never will be. You have all of us and even if no one is around you, Allah wil always be next to you.
3: I cannot express how much respect I have for you! Do you know how much courage and strength it takes to even stand in a position of your kind ? I thank Allah he hasnt given me a trial like this...Im not sure If I would be strong enough.
4: The fact that you realize its wrong, is great. The power that you use to love Allah and disobey Shaitaan perfect. keep doing this.
Brother I want to tell you something specifically, If you think you will be alone your whole life, trust me you won't and if you don't want to trust me, trust in Allah that is always 100%.
For you to face such a great challenge, don't believe that you won't be ever truly happy, you will be brother I guarantee you.
The keyword is and will always remain: Sabir and Prayer. you connection with Allah is what wil keep you going.
Allah is the one who makes the rules, Allah is the one to who we answer, Allah is the one to punish. So is Allah also the one who can change these rules, Allah is the one where we find truth and Allah is the one to forgive.
THE ONLY THING THAT CAN PROTECT YOU FROM ALLAH, IS ALLAH!!!
As Allah soebhaan wataa'Aalah himself said, My mercy overcomes my anger (wrath). But please everything feel free to look up and do so, I do not have the knowledge Astagfiroelah to post the correct hadith.
But the thing you should know and I want to let you know from my personal experience, is that you should never give up. Allah can and will make it happen or change in your favour.
All that Allah does is for your best, do not ask how or why, thats just how great he is and how far fetched the knowledge and supremdom.
To give a little example: I have troubles controlling my sexual activities (nafs). But I dont know if myn are more ''crazy'' then others, but I do find myself in these thought 24/7, it drives me nuts. But I love Allah sooo much I know these are wrong, that is why JUST LIKE YOU MY DERE BROTHER, we do not tend to bring these to actions and leave these as they are and FIGHT against evil.
Have faith in Allah and SABIR SABIR SABIR, PRAY PRAY AND PRAY SOME MORE! I promise you it will change, it will happen and you will get strength. ALLAH NEVER BROKE HIS PROMISES, so he will help you. He helped me !!! It took a long time, but still he always watched over me and forgave me.
and everytime you ask for forgiveness, please know brother everytime you do is every time you get stronger and stronger and stronger till one day, you get sooo strong that not even shaitaan can lure you into those mistakes, your imaan your deen you willl be pure you will be Allah's warrior and you will make it.
Please brother know I have love for you and I have fully faith in every second that I know that you will make it as long as you believe in your and myn dear creator Allah soebhaan Wataa'Aalah.
I dont know your background or else I could have said a few things about culture, but one thing will always remain true is that Mothers *cry* mothers are the way to Jannah, brother... She will pick you up from where its wet and sleep there, in fear that you might catch a cold and put you on a dry spot. Alhamdulilah.
talk to your mother, she will understand. If your father is not religious the way the propher hazrat mohammed salu alayhi wassalam left his soennah behind for us, dont tell him... Men can be ignorant and very stupid (I am a men myself) he wont understand or have that compassionate feeling to understand where your coming from, where we your brothers and sisters do understand.
But if your father is the loving kind, that great dad that would do anything, the kind of dad that understands your pain, that has patience, go to him through your mother!!! and together with your parents find peace and tranquility.
everytime a bad thought pops in your mind, say Aoezoe billah himinash shaitaan neradjeem, Bismillah heragmaan neraheem. (forgive me Allah if I have said it wrong, your the all-knower).
more brothers and sisters will reply to this and give you solution, in the meantime if I get more solutions I will post them.
All that is left for me to say is:
When you look in front of you and you see nothing....
When you look in the back of you and you see noithing....
then look next to you, thats where Allah will be, thats where I will be, thats where every other true muslim brother or sister will be.
You are not alone and you will never be. If you ever feel the need to talk or just express. Do so, I am here.
I will reply. I am not allowed to give my mail I think ? So im sorry, I follow the rules, but don't worry the people here on islamic answer are great so many knowledge, please always come here they always have the solution Alhamdulilah, through Allah soebhaan wataa'Aalah.
These were my words, more to come by my fellow brothers and sisters!
As salamu alaykum, brother Raja,
Masha´Allah, excellent comments. Nice to listen to you again.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As salamu alaykum, brother redacreda,
Live, enjoy being alive, you have this trial, the rest of the world have others, none better or worse, just different, to have homosexual instincts doesn´t make you better or worse than the rest of the humans. We are all together in this ship, if you learn to navigate your instincts with Allah(swt) help and guidance, insha´Allah, this ship will mantain its balance, you will notice if the rest of us navigate in the same direction or in a different one, when we feel weak, if we go to Allah (swt) for strength, we balance us but at the same time without knowing it, we are balancing the ship, in which one, we are all.
If your open your vision, you will see the following: " ....seek forgiveness (from Allah(swt)) for your sins, and the sins of the believing men and women" Surah Muhammad, 19.
Brother everytime you choose to live, to accept who you are, trying to be your best, praising Allah(swt), respecting, enjoying, loving your family, everytime you choose to think on opportunities, on open doors, on new paths, everytime you choose on positive, you are making a difference, you are open ways to yourself and to others, you are helping others to see the Light, Alhamdulillah.
Here we are for you, don´t ever think again you are alone, you are not, you make a difference in all our lives.
You have said this: " I want true love and a family with 10 sons and 5 daughters", you´ll get it insha´Allah. I haven´t heard anyone to say something with so much Heart on it, Masha´Allah. Go quietly and humbly to the encounter of our Lord, He (swt) listens to us, be sure He (swt) does, but don´t be in a hurry for answers or proofs, live everyday convinced that He(swt) listened to you before and is listening to you now, Alhamdulillah.
Brother, today I read the following:
"He(swt) is Oft-Forgiving, full of Love, Owner of the Throne, the Glorious. He(swt) does what He(swt) intends" Surah al-Buruj 14-16
"And when My servants ask you concerning Me, then(answer them), I am indeed near to them. I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me!" Surah al-Baqarah, 186.
The weight you have been carrying all these years won´t be so heavy anymore, I am taking on my shoulders a bit of it, as well as the other brothers and sisters that know about you, we are all in the same ship, with different issues but we are all trying to move forward, insha´Allah.
Pray your salat, get as closer to Allah(swt) as you can; you are very young and you are full of energy, exercise, focus on unconditional Love and Respect, try to see everyone as brothers and sisters; be loving to your family, get closer to them, I wouldn´t advice you to tell them anything yet, give yourself the time you need. Even if they love us unconditionally, we humans have the tendency to clasify and put ettiquetes, you are too young for that, keep it sealed between you and Allah(swt) for now, with time you will see if you want to open it or not. You can pray Istikhara about it to feel Allah(swt) guidance about it too, you have a link on top of the page where you can learn everything about Istikhara.
Read the Quran, recite it, slowly, quietly, ...this will bring softness and Peace to your Heart, insha´Allah.
Try to increase those special talents you have, those that make you feel yourself 100%, that make it easy to connect to your essence.
You have a link on duas on top of the page too, the seventh one is specially comforting.
I am a part of you and you are a part of me, whoever you are and wherever you are, my best for your best, insha´Allah.
All my Uncondtional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam Brother
the strength you shown is beyond anything iv ever seen mashallah
Allah guides who ever wants to be quided nd mis guides whoever wants to be mis guided, with patience inshallah one day you will over come this disease. remember this world is a test and inshala with steady repentance you will over come this desease inshalah
la ilaha ila allah
peace
mashaAllaah brother, am really touched by your self determination and strength to fight this issue. may Allaah reward you and make it easy for you,
it seems like you know what to do and you know the right way, keep your trust in Allaah and turn to him, spend the nights in prayer and remember Him constantly, inshaAllaah things WILL get better. i think this is a test for you and inshaAllaah, so far you are successful, keep it up!
AsalaamAlaikum dear Brother,
i thought i was the only one in this situation and fully understand what you're going through. i wish i had answers for you but i'm also searching the way you are. i am certain there is a way out of all of this, just pray to Allah that we find that exit. it's difficult to talk to people as you can't explain how you're feeling. InshaAllah i will make special dua for you brother and request that you do the same for me also.
brother if you still visit this page;
please check out the following link;
http://www.scribd.com/doc/63466375/A-Silent-Struggle-to-the-Straight-Path
you can download it is as document, it contains a lot of advice and guidance, to show you a way out of this sickness.
insha'allah it will be of benefit to you.
Hi Silent Struggle,
I think you're the writer of this document. I've been trying to get in touch with you for a while now. Can you please reply to me?
S
yasarallaahulaka jihaadika fee sabeelihee wal muslimeena jamee'aa
dawaraallahu 'Umrik
sturullaahu 'awratik,
Salam,
this post choked me. Because i go through the same. People need to understand that it is not a choice. Homosexuality is not a choice. You can't fight it off, you can't destroy it. You were born with it. You will die with it. Somwetimes I don't understand...why us? Why? This is something forbidden, still we are born with it. We didnt choose this, then why such severe punishments? There must be some answer.. Straight people don't kniw a thing about how we feel. Its us who live everyday with this burden of our own existance. Hiding ourself from the world. With the fear of being killed, who would wznt to live that way? Its not a choice. If you find a way to die thats not suicide, kindly let me know as well. Im tired of fighting myself and iam tired of making myself understand. Nothing works.. By nothing i mean nothing. And when nothing works, i pray to God to take me away... I don't mind dying than living this horrible guilty life.. When i go on umrah i cry my heart out. I beg Allah to please take this thing away from me. Still every other woman attracts me the thought of getting married to a man and having his children disgusts me. I'd rather die than live another day stuck here. If only suicide wasn't haram...