Two years on from a forced marriage
Salaam...So I married my uncles son....a very decent and pious yet modern guy...but with my parents choice even though they knew I did not wish to do so because I didnt see him in that manner and my heart was not in the marriage that they were arranging..but regardless of this due to family pressure and constantly having questions thrown at me about "why would I refuse hes so decent and so is his family" so I gave in...Unfortunately its been 2 years and I still feel the same...I am not attracted to him at all and no matter how hard I try I just cant force feelings and emotions....I dont know what to do...some advice would be nice...jazakallah khair
muslimah24
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Asalaam Walaikum.
You can't force feeling you are right. But forgive me if anything I say is offensive.
The things we look for in a spouse are normally based on what the west have dipicted. Just recently on here there was a story of a Man with a beautiful wife but had disgusting character and how he regretted marying her.
It sounds like your husband is a decent man as you would have complained about something of his character. If he treats you wih respect has good connection with deen (which you seem to suggest he has) then remember the goal ... Jannah. We will never find a perfect partner on this dunya and thats a promise, why? because your perfect partener is waiting in Jannah Insha'Allah.
Look at the good qualities of your husband, how he treats you ... does he treat you with respect, is he kind, does he fulfil his duties of a husband and most importanly you should try to feel blessed that you are married Alhamdulillah. Sooooo many women and men are searching for warmth when they sleep at night, a partner to talk to and ask advice from, all the little things you probably take for granted now that your married (May Allah bless those searching for pious spouses ... Ameen)
They say normally you appreciate something once its gone ... Just imagine tomorrow your husband passed away (May Allah grant him and you a long life ... Ameen) how would you feel?
Trust me if you treat your marriage as a blessing and gift from Allah then your marriage will be beautiful. If you look at the bad and dwell on the bad then obviously thats exactly how it will feel. No marriage is perfect and theres no such thing as marriage is a test from Allah so ups and downs are expected but we have to bare patience and in doing so we will be rewarded greatly Insha'Allah.
And last point ... most of the thoughts are from Shaytaan, they want marriages to break and they put all sorts in our heads ... Have faith and ignore these thoughts.
May Allah bless you with a Beautiful Marriage ... Ameen.
I couldn't find anything to say to this sister but this brother explained so nicely. Yes no marriage is perfect. Why? Because this world itself isn't perfect but have endless flaws. If you follow two principles inshaAllah your life will be at peace. 1. Just keep doing what you are obliged to do in Islam in terms of marriage etiquette 2. Expect nothing from anyone (even your husband) but only Allah. And last but not the least, take love lessons from our beloved prophet and sahabas not from the west.
Hope I wasn't offensive.
Assalaamualaikam
That sounds like a really difficult situation to be in, sister. On one hand, your husband is a decent and pious man, but on the other, you felt forced or pressured into marrying him and say that you don't have feelings for him. It's easy to see why you might feel torn and unsure what to do.
I'd suggest that you remind yourself that you don't have to be married to this man if you don't want to be. A woman who has been forced into marriage has the right to divorce, and a woman can request khula if she feels that it is necessary. So, put the past aside, and keep in mind that, from this moment on, you are choosing to be with him and choosing whether to stay with him. InshaAllah, once you accept that this is your choice, you may be able to separate your relationship now from the negative feelings associated with the circumstances of your marriage.
Get to know your husband. Spend time together, doing things you both enjoy and trying out new things that neither of you has done before. If there's something you've talked about doing, and it's halal, then do it! It could be something big, like going on holiday, or something small, like trying out a new bakery or coffee shop. The important thing is that you're doing it together, and inshaAllah learning more about each other in the process.
It's easy for us to think of negative things about people, but as you've already mentioned, there are things about your husband that are good, as well. Try to think of three things every day that you appreciate and value about your husband, and remind yourself of these whenever a negative thought about him comes into your head. And if you can, share with him the things that you appreciate, as he might be very happy to know this. If you would find it helpful, write them down so that you can refer back to them.
Forced marriage is wrong and has no place in Islam. It's also wrong for someone to be bullied or pressured into a marriage they didn't want. But if your husband is of good character, pious, and the two of you have been together for two years already, it may be worth seeing if you can find happiness in this marriage. If the two of you are unhappy though, after trying to build a life together, then you both have the right to divorce - but make sure that this is only used as a last resort, and pray istikhara before making any final decisions in this respect.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Dear Sister,
Assalamualaikum,
As you might have read the numerous questions on this site regarding the problems some wives have to deal with in regards to their husbands and in laws. Be thankful to Allah that he has saved you from all of those troubles.
Sometimes we don't value the blessings we have until we loose it. Think about how many women all over the world who are crying every night because they face physical and verbal abuse from their husbands and they can't leave their husbands because of their kids etc.
Love and love marriages defined by western society is mostly superficial. Even if you would have married a guy you loved then still it's not sure you both would be in love after few years of marriage. Then you both have to get through life with compassion and understanding. Having peace and calmness in the home is worth more than all the Bollywood/Hollywood love stories you would want to happen to you.
I suggest since he's a pious man and his family is good, make him a means to reach the highest level of Jannah. Utilise the blessing which Allah has given you and practice as much of deen as you can and pray to Allah to grant you Jannatul Firdous.
Also, never underestimate the power of dua. Keep making dua everyday to put love between you and your husband and Allah will surely grant your dua. Every muslim has to face difficulties in this life. Just thank Allah that he has given you the least difficult problem to face. Many of us are struggling everyday of our lives either with an emotionally abusive husband or wife.
May Allah give you satisfaction in your marriage.
I am not sure why everyone constantly keeps telling women to be tolerant of their unhappy marriages. If you are not happy, that is reason enough for divorce. it has been two years, clearly you have tried. Do not feel compelled to be miserable the rest of your life for society. Pursue your happiness. You derseve it.