Islamic marriage advice and family advice

After analysis started chatting to a guy who looked suitable but then it ended.

Righteous Husband

A guy got acquainted on fb had a high rapoed mutual friend. While I was looking for a suitable boy for marriage he chatted casually not looking for marriage, and undelibrately topics like our cities etc came up. I have been very strict in my approach with guys. I am friendly but always at a decent distance and did the same here.

Being mature enough (not a teenager) I was strict with words and expressions, still there were many signs of interest in me altho sublime. After a few days he told me he was engaged and later that very evening confessed he loved me. He got impressed with my faith in Allah and thinking.

But I ignored him for few days then realized that he was very suitable (except that he was younger but he knew it from the very first day). Then I aproached casually and asked him to stay casual, thinking that if he is the Mr. RIGHT it will happen no matter what obstacles occur. But again he started saying he loved me. I told him that such sweet talk is haraam and also asked him to do astaghfar for if he thinks of his old girlfriend. (Yes he had a girlfriend earlier). Suddenly he vanished. 15 days later i insisted on giving me a reason of vanishing. Then chatting on and off for 2-3 days he said he was interested in me but since he was engaged he wanted to stop messaging. I agreed but 80 days later and I can't get him out of my mind.

Astaghfaar duas (many) namaz quran all on track kept Allah hazir naazir all the way. But (may Allah forgive me for saying this) distress is on. Ya Hayyo Ya Qayyumo be rehmateka istaghees. I Fear ALLAH I have complete faith in Him and there was no affair at all and  I do not miss the guy as such. But since i think he was quite suitable I just want to know: Should I wait for him? For I have to get married soon. Can I do istakhara for waiting for him or looking for someone else? Family is pressing on marriage soon around July in Ramzan so I need urgent advice.


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15 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    From what you've written, it doesn't seem like this guy was ready for marriage, and that he didn't really even know what he wanted. I think you're better off without him, to be honest. People don't fall in love and then out of love, and then in love and then out again, like this guy seems to be feeling - what he is describing is more like an infatuation.

    Alhamdulillah you have seen his true colours before getting too deeply involved. So now you can leave this in the past and move forward, with a better idea of what you want to look for in a husband - that is, someone with a bit more constancy in their approach, and a greater respect for the laws given to us by Allah (this guy was engaged and still professing his "love" for other girls - that's not ok Islamically).

    If you and your family are keen for marriage soon, then maybe ask them to help you find a suitable spouse, and/or ask at your mosque to see if they have an introductions service available?

    Midnightmoon editor

    • Asslamkm, Ji completely agreed with the things in bracket. And really this guy is confused. I would like to RISE in love instead of falling that is after marriage. JazakAllah khairan.

  2. Why would you wait for someone who said he is not interested? He was very clear with you Hun.

    Don't force a relationship out of nothing sister. Just keep busy, and try to forget him and inshallah ask Allah to bring you someone better.

  3. I think he was looking for some thing for FREE. He quit when he did not see any good response from you. You must have sent some signals of his acceptance before he said "I love you".

    He did not make any commitment with you. He tried to make you happy by saying " I love you". He may come back after he gets bored with his new Internet friend. Did you guys do a webcam and/or exchanged pictures?

    If your family has some one else in mind, you should take that seriously.

    • Trust me no signals Allah alone is the vitness. No video chat he did ask for pictures but i did not send. But some got visible becoz we met on a social network. But Thanx a ton SVS. jazakAllah to all.

  4. This is someone you chatted with on Facebook. That is all. I think you allowed yourself to become too attached to a Facebook friend. He is not interested and never was - there is no question about "waiting" for something that was never going to materialize.

    Facebook is not the way to meet a spouse.

  5. Assalam alaikum Sr. Shalail,

    On one hand you are looking for Mr. Right and on the other hand you are expecting a proposal from someone who disappears on you. The truth is that Mr. Right is a made-up character in your mind and you wish to find that perfect person in your brain in real. Such a person doesn't exist as no one is perfect--but there are many people who can make our lives right.

    First of all, you need to stop talking in private with random people on facebook. Any man who talks to you whilst knowing that your wali is not involved will more than likely take advantage of you--this man waited to do that, but disappeared when he got no where with you and reappeared when he had hopes again--and this will continue until he gets what he wants. He is not committed to you nor has he given you any indication that he wants to marry you--he has told you that he is engaged. It would be foolish of you to continue to talk to him or any other boy for that matter in this way.

    If you wish to marry, your wali should be fully involved and the both of you can investigate proposals together.

    May Allah help you to find pious husband, Ameen.

    • Ameen.
      JazakAllah...but to inform u u not even in my wildest dreams have I ever chatted with 'random guys' as I mentioned he came thru a reliable mutual friend. And we r a family who has many examples of successful marriages thru matrimonial sites and so my wali is actually waiting for me to choose a suitable guy on which family can make a decision. And my character or personality is not weak enough to get 'carried away' by some flattering chats.
      Mr. RIGHT does nt mean IDEAL person infact it means who is right for me. I have few preferences which everyone has. I had a good look on his profile before I started chatting that happened for 28 days roughly. But as soon as I realised he is engaged i withdrew myself.
      Rest I agree almost all what you said. JazakAllah.

      • Assalam alaikum Sister,

        When I read what you wrote, you said it was through someone who was reliable and a mutual friend, but I would re-think and question how reliable they are when they don't even know that the other person was engaged and I stand by what I said earlier.

        Dear Sister, you have written that your character or personality is not weak enough to get 'carried away' by some flattering chats., but I would argue that shaitaan considers you a perfect candidate. shaitaan wouldn't dream of telling you to get carried away with a chat, he would only first push you to chat with that man alone and take it slowly--do not forget that Prophet Yaqoob AS warned his son Prophet Yusuf AS:

        [12:5] He said, "O my son, do not relate your vision to your brothers or they will contrive against you a plan. Indeed Satan, to man, is a manifest enemy.

        If one Prophet warns another Prophet, do you think that common people like us who lack their wisdom would or should let our guard down in any way in front of shaitaan? shaitaan is extremely patient and knows our psychology extremely well--and I whatever I wrote was because of the urgency in your last few sentences:

        "I do not miss the guy as such. But since i think he was quite suitable I just want to know: Should I wait for him? For I have to get married soon. Can I do istakhara for waiting for him or looking for someone else? Family is pressing on marriage soon around July in Ramzan so I need urgent advice."

        On one hand you claim that you are not carried away, but on the other you say you miss him a lot and want to marry very soon--these are polar opposite statements and I think you should accept that this way of seeking a husband is perhaps not the way to go--you need more involvement from your wali and less time alone with a man who you might consider marrying. It is my opinion, and I may be wrong--I did not mean to offend you nor say anything about your character, I merely want to warn you and advise you to be more cautious since you have asked for advice.

        May Allah ease your difficulties.

        • offence but am not able to convey my problem to specially you...
          No body else is taking this in this manner...
          1. Shukriya jazakAllah...for telling me hat am a fav target of shaitan
          2. Again i mis conveyed....I DID NOT CHAT to him he mother my cuzn and my fathers sister and a maternal uncles wife all know about him (even the sweet stuff he started saying about me afyer which they insisted to chuck it of )
          3. Before i cud ask the mutual frnds the guy himself told me of his engagement.
          4. I said i HAVE TO GET married not WANT becoz of family pressure AND NOT NECESSARILY TO THIS GUY.

          Infact its been mnths gone that i last talked to him. I am not that concerned now Alhamdolillah.
          And AM NOT GUILTY OF A SECRET RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I KEPT ALLAH WITH ME FROM DAY ONE. And He is still with me and I DO NOT AT ALL AM LOOSE IN MY CONDUCT OR CHARACTER. Nothing is hidden I DID NOTHING WRONG Alhamdolillah when he started deviations i corrected him hence he backed off.

          I hope I conveyed it this time that AM STRONG Character HONEST with my ALLAH my family like a crystal clear glass. And frankly now THIS ISSUE is NOT bothering me alhamdolillah, am relaxed now.
          If he is the guy Allah will grant me or else someone definitely better becoz I DID SABR ONLY FOR ALLAH ALONE. And di nothing loose or hidden alhamdolillah.

          Rabbishrahli sadri wahlul ughtammillesaani yufqahu qauli.

          • Dear Sister,

            If you want to just get married and not necessarily to this guy, then Alhumdulillah, there isn't a problem and I am sure you and your family can make that happen inn shaa Allah.

  6. Are all comments being given by experts on Islamic way of life? How do I differentiate between experts n just members like me?

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Most people here would not claim to be experts or scholars, although there are a few contributors who have studied in depth. Everyone can give or ask for advice, so feel free to give advice and participate in discussions without worrying if you don't feel you are an expert.

      Midnightmoon editor

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