Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Confused about my marriage.

Assalam Aleiykum,

I am a man who has been married for 16 years. We have 3 children. We have had ups and downs in our marriage. At one point in time I even cheated my wife. But she forgave me and we continued happily. Until recently. My wife has always been complaining that I don't show her love and attention.

Recently we had a small quarrel and she send me text to say her heart is messing up because of me. I approached her and questioned her about what is messing up. And she started revealing that she has feelings for someone else, although she still loves me. And she said the fact that she has that crash or feeling is killing her because she only loves me. But that didn't go well and I asked her more, she than revealed that she has been messaging this guy but he doesn't know that she has feeling for him. I was still not satisfied with that answe and kept asking her more. Eventually she revealed that she did tell the guy she has feeling for him and he also told her that he felt the same for her. So there been chatting like that for a few weeks until my wife went to meet him at his house on a day I was out of town. She revealed to me that when she went to meet the guy she realized what she was doing was wrong and she told him and he also said yes it's wrong. And as she was leaving he went to hug her and there kissed. She says it did not go beyond a kiss and she felt very guilty and was finding ways to tell me.

What is confusing me is that she first swore upon Allah, her late father and even our youngest son that it was only a message thing and didn't go any far. And later it comes up that there was more that happened(kiss).

I spoke to her family in front of her and she said that was now the final truth she says she didn't want to tell me the whole truth because of how I was reacting and she didn't want our marriage to break. She claims she still loves me and that she got drifted away because she felt she wasn't loved and she felt empty. It's a fact I've. Even very stressed and busy in the last few months. But does that justify her to do what she done? She says she doesn't have the feeling anymore for that guy, she says she realized she was wrong and she's crying for another chance.

I am confused. Should I forgive her? Should I sacrifice for the sake of my kids? Please help me as I am very confused. Will I ever trust her?? Her family is also saying I should give her a second chance..... What should I do???

Please help me

Confused12

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9 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaykum Confused12,

    You write:

    "At one point in time I even cheated my wife. But she forgave me and we continued happily"

    and

    "What is confusing me is that she first swore upon Allah [that it] didn't go any far."

    and

    "Should I forgive her?...Will I ever trust her??"

    She should not have sworn something incorrect to Allah, as Allah obviously knows the truth. However, she did eventually tell you the full truth for your peace of mind (if one can say that about this situation) and furthermore, she forgave you when you did something similar earlier in the marriage. I think you should forgive her and try to stay positive. Remember that the time she forgave you, you were able to continue happily in the marriage, and believe from your heart that that can happen again. We have abundance of heart and goodness to see in people if we only try, and I think your family will be fine, Inshallah.

    Best,

    Nor

  2. Well to understand about this problem is to understand how she reacts to the questions that u give her. You have knowen her for a long time now and u understand how uer acts when she lies and tells the truth. As you're wife acts seems like she reflects back on her good and bad deeds after the talk because u state that she had swore upon Allah SWT that their is nothing more and later it comes up that there was more that happened(kisses). She must have admitted to u that happened after the first talk about that. With this said their is enough evidence with this statement and more what u had said in you're problem that she would deserve another chance. I would forgive her but also keep a close eye on her because she is a type that can fall back to haram. With the "kisses" agian. Other than that when asking you're wife questions try to ask to get the most detail out of her when she awncers u. Or try asking in a more aggressive way.

  3. Assalamu alaykum brother

    Of course you should forgive her, I mean how can you not forgive her when you yourself cheated on her in the first place and she forgave you???

    So even if she went physical with him which we don't know(no accusation )it really doesn't matter anyway because you actually did cheated on her! what makes you think she should forgive you and move on but you have a hard time forgiving her??? That's really unjust!!!

    Be happy she told you,she didn't have to! Forgive her and don't bother thinking about it or questining her.forgive and forget just as she did and move on. At the end of the day we all get what we deserve.

  4. AoA,

    Dear brother, when you made a similar mistake, your wife forgave you. It was you who broke the trust in marriage, not her. So now, it's upon you to accept your own faults and forgive your wife as she forgave you. Just sit together and discuss everything how to fix things up and start over again. Go to Umra together, ask for Allah's forgiveness, forgive each other and just start a new pious life!!

  5. Even though I TH is hard for you to deal but look a thing it this way.... when u in fact cheated on her she forgave you and moved on so you should do the same thing. Even she found it hard st the time but for the sake of kids etc she did the same so you cannot do the same too. Pray ask for forgiveness make dua Allah fixed your relationship

  6. She forgave you

  7. Answers are funny here .As you cheated first and then she cheated so forgive her .Or in other way two cheats makes it NULL and Normal .Probably some body who has been cheated will try to cheat by himself to make it equal ..Any way It all depends on you man How you feel .Be patient and take decision after few months once you feel lighter ..Which country this happened ?

  8. In Today's world of sex and temptation where almost every day people get to see half naked female models or half naked male models its challenging to control lust and fall in to these .Even women too falling in to tempeation and having illlegal sex . Your wife falling in to this seems to be because of such temptation and on top of it you were not satisfying her sexually .
    What i can suggest is if you feel she has really changed then you should give her one more chance .

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