Following the direction of Istikhara but facing troubles…
Dua for Istikhaarah
Dear Brothers/Sisters,
Assalam O Alaikum wa rehmatullahi wa barakatahu!
May peace, blessings and mercy of Allah SWT upon all of you. I want to take some advice for my friend. It’s about marriage things. Now-a-days he is studying in a foreign country and there he came across a Muslimah which he feels is a perfect choice for him. He did Istikhara and found some positive signs and then decided to proceed. Initially everything was going fine step by step but now some troubles start coming in his way.
First he has taken help of Muslim community there to enquire about the consent of sister and Alhamdulillah she also liked him and told that her parents also like him. Then he visited his country and talked with his parents and convinced them Alhamdulillah. His direction was clear. According to him, the next step then should be go for nikkah as both parties showed their willingness. But when he came back and talked about nikkah with the sister then she is saying that her family is feeling insecure as he is a student and there is no surety at this time. Further the sister doesn’t want to go to another country as she said that if she will go then her parents will become alone. The brother agrees to find a job after his education in the same country and currently he is on scholarship. But what the main objection arising from her family is that if he stays there and keeps on extending his visa then one day he will be back ultimately. But how can he give surety for his whole life? The provision of a person is decided by Allah, he don’t know where life will take him in future. He can just show his willingness and his short term plans at now but all these subject to the will of Allah. The sister never told him that she dislike him and always said that he is perfect for her.
Please suggest how to deal under this situation…
Jazakallah Khairan!
Wassalam,
- Truth Seeker
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Assalamualaikum,
Truth Seeker, your friend is indeed in a confsed state. May Allah Help him.
He will eventually return to his country or atleast relocate from that place. He can not make a foreign country his home while his parents are elsewhere, can he? If he agrees to not make her move with him to another country, he can not do that later on.
Just some hours ago, I was reading the following, said by Ibn Qudamah al Maqdisi Rahimahullah:
If he stipulates that he will not take her out of her house or her city, or that he will not travel with her or will not take another wife, then he is obliged to fulfil that, and if he does not do so, then she has the right to annul the marriage. This was narrated from ‘Umar, Sa’d ibn Abi Waqqaas and ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas (may Allah be pleased with them). Al-Mughni, 9/483
For this reason, I think your friend should drop this idea, if he thinks he will not be able to fulfil this or if he feels insecure about it. Because one should only take such a decision when one is contented. This is a lifetime decision that will affect his entire life.
Sometimes, we think Istikhaarah points to a certain choice, but actually, something else is destined for us. We must accept it and thank Allah for it and Trust in Him after making a decision asking for His Barakah in it.
May Allah Help your friend.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Unfortunately a tragedy has been happened with the brother. He was just keeping silence and observing patience but recently that sister sent him a message to make everything over between them. The brother is under very stress and painful feelings. He is feeling like destroyed. He still doesn’t want to give up and willing to do every effort which he could make. He has done Istikhara, made dua and then discussed the matter with some elders to handle his case and talk on his behalf. Now what he can do under this situation? He cannot consider anyone else in her place. He is depressed and is not finding any direction. He doesn’t like to talk with anybody and keeping himself away from people. Even he is not talking with his family because when he talks with them and they ask about the matter then he feels very bad. He doesn't like to tell this to his parents and don’t like to let them find any other choice for him. If somebody is talking with him then he is giving very simple reply and don’t like to prolong discussion, seems that he feels bad in talking with everyone. He is performing his prayers regularly and also doing some dhikar as usual but trying to hide himself and don’t want to face anyone. What should he do to keep him out of this restless situation and become normal? Also he is not getting good sleep from a long time and becoming weaker and weaker. Is it appropriate to perform Istikhara again?
Please suggest some better advise for him...
The best thing he can do is that he forgets her as this doesn't seem to work out.
The lady does not want to continue this relationship abd perhaps wants to see another man who is local. This is reasonable. She doesn't want to be in this and fall into haraam. And your friend should have patience and if possible, he should move to his country for a while in order to overcome.
He can do another Istikhaarah. But there seems to be a condition "staying in her country" which may or may not be possible for him. Let him have patience and encourage him to be strong and trust in Allah. This World is temporary and our Final Return is to Allah, ar Rahmaan.
Let him bring himself back on track and be neutral towards this lady, then look for other options (more ladies).
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Two months ago, he visited his family and its not possible to visit frequently. He is feeling very alone and not finding interest in anything. He never wanted to make choices for himself and then choose one and never searched for it. Whenever somebody asked him to make search for life partner then he always replied that it is decided by Allah and he don't need to worry about this. He always said that Allah will make his mind when the time will come. After meeting that sister he felt that he now come across the perfect choice and should go for it. He find himself compatible with her and feels that she contains all qualities which he wants to be in his partner. He never compared her with anyone although people and his family were pushing him to see some other options also. Now he is feeling as he cannot consider any other and he feels it may be unfair for someone because he has made his mind for someone else. How to make him relax? He don't want to cheat anyone that's why he always avoid talking with sisters so that there may not be any emotional things between them. This time just because he has the real intention of marriage so he talked with her sometimes to discuss matters but not in secretly. He made some trusted elders to involve in his case. After he saw that the things becomes difficult then he didn't talk with the sister and let the elders take over this. I just want to cure him and not let him destroy himself...
I know it is hard to overcome such situations, but does that mean he destroys himself? You must ask him this. If you can talk to his family and ask them not to remind him of her, it will be better.
You said about him: " He always said that Allah will make his mind when the time will come."
Remind him of this and tell him that if there is a good woman, it does not mean she is his and there is no other choice. There are innumerable good women; perhaps better.
Tell him and everyone who reads this, REMEMBER, never love anyone or anything more than it deserves. That makes a person depressed and enslaved, and loss of this loved one or object affects highly. He must have patience and you must help him in this. Divert his attention, indulge him in something else, and so on. This is probably something you can do.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother, I have a question that how could someone face somebody when he already made his efforts for someone else and was interested in her? Is that unfair or unjust with somebody? And how some sister could feel after knowing that the brother was interested in some other sister before marriage? Is that affect their marriage life and can they live a successful life?
The brother is still not willing to give up and awaiting for any opportunity to pursue that sister. He is not doing anything and long time he didn't have any contact with her but still he can't forget her. Every time he remembers her and missing her. They always talk respectfully with each other and never think anything bad about each other that's why he finds it very difficult to forget her as there is nothing wrong in that sister according to him and he feels that she is perfectly according to his choice...
Assalaamualaikam Truth Seeker
It is understandable for your friend to still feel that he wishes to marry the girl to whom he proposed, and while he still has these feelings is not the time to go looking for someone else. He found someone that he could see himself living with as husband and wife, so he is allowed to feel sadness and disappointment that this has not come about. Remember though, that we may love a thing that is bad for us and dislike a thing that is good for us; encourage your friend to say Alhamdulillah, for Allah will guide him to what is best for him.
It will take time for your friend to accept and move on from the disappointment of an unsuccessful proposal, but in time his feelings will fade and he will be able to consider marriage to another woman. It is not unfair to another sister to have proposed to a woman before her, so long as he has acted in an Islamic manner and not crossed boundaries - it would not be fair however to go looking for another woman while still wishing for a woman he could not marry.
If the woman to whom he proposed has decided she cannot marry him, his duty now is to respect her choice and step away from the situation. He should try to avoid contact with her, and focus his attentions on his faith and work. If he finds he is sitting around and thinking a lot about her, he could fill this time in a healthy way by doing voluntary work or taking up a sport - something to distract him physically and mentally.
Remind your friend that everything happens for a reason, and Allah is the best planner. He loves us more than even our own mothers can, so would not write something for us without a reason.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Thanks for providing this beautiful Dua.
Assalamu Alaikum,
your friend has signs of depression. Just remind him that "there is a lot of fish under the water". So what if she did not want to go with the marriage for x or z reason? She has also a choice and he needs to respect her choice, thank Allah, and move on.
His istikhara is working for him and he does not realize it. The girl backed up, at least she did it before he got married with her. Subhana Allah! May Allah grant her a good husband and may Allah grant your friend a good wife.
Salam,
Reader
Yes I am proud of both of them. Masha Allah they are chaste and never go on wrong side. When the brother feels that she is suitable for him then he directly asked for nikkah rather to prolong relation in another way. Also the sister when see that there arises some impossibilities then she didn't want to move on and cut any relation between them. She knew that it’s painful but didn't want any unlawful relationship. In the culture of that country the people used to get married late and stay longer as boyfriend and girlfriend no matter what the outcome but they keep themselves asides from it. Otherwise they could continue as friends as long as they will not marry. But they realized that it is not true and they also realized that if they are in each other’s fate then no matter how far are they from each other, Allah will create circumstances and make them together. The brother still respects her and don’t want to give an expression that someone has cheated him that's why he is avoiding talking with anyone. He doesn’t want to receive any sympathy from people. He doesn’t want to let anyone say any word for her. May Allah send his bounties to both of them. Such examples rarely seen when people do sacrifices.
It is not unjust or unfair, brother. It is life. Like sister midnightmoon said, Allah Has Chosen what is best for us and everything happens for a reason. Patience is what brings success and avoiding patience causes increase in pain.
I know a couple who are married for over 25 years. I heard that the man was supposed to marry another lady from Pakistan, and they liked each other a lot. But that did not work for good. When the proposal of this lady came to him, he accepted her and they are happily married with a son and a daughter. The mother of the children was aware of the initial talks about her husband and she used to tell them about it and smile.
He must be distracted somehow for some time, until the wounds heal. And you being his good friend should see to it that this distraction is within the limits. Many people choose haraam activities for distracting themselves.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Alhamdulillah the brother is not engaging himself in haraam activities that's why he used to keep himself away from many people and making himself busy in dhikar & azkaar. He is of the opinion that alone is better than bad company. He is not interested in the stuff which normally boys do and he avoid sitting in useless talks. Actually this is the first time happened with him and he didn't do it for fun or entertainment. Otherwise most of the boys take it as normal because its their hobby and they do it just for time passing. Even though most of the people asked him to introduce someone to him but he never agreed and said that he doesn't want to make fun of any sister nor want to decrease anyone's respect. He refused to look anyone within his family and relatives after he made his mind. His parents are also trying to inquire and wants him to push in another direction but he don't want to think about marriage things anymore. He wants to keep himself away from these things and asking his parents not to worry about him in this matter. He said that if it is written is his fate then it will happen otherwise won't be happened but cannot consider other option. He is very tired of thinking this matter...