Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to marry my cousin but they are forcefully marrying me off to another man

Forced Marriage

Forced Marriage


My name is Sara n i am 22 years old. I want to marry my cousin, my mamu's son. we  love each other a lot. we are involved in each other from last five years.

2 years ago when my parents were interested in a proposal for me i told my mother about our relation clearly before and instead of telling any one else.  but she didn't understand my feelings.

She told my father in a way that the whole situation became theatrical, as can be expected from a middle class family. where if a daughter tells about her choice for marriage it is not acceptable. and it becomes egoistic problem. they forcefully made my engagement within a week without asking me.

Problem with my choice were old family clashes n that he is still not well established as my parents want, n reputation in family, that what will relatives say about us, our daughter wants a love marriage?

then this situation became that whenever my so-called in laws came.... i became sad... i cried... tried to convince them but they never listened to me.  and each time i was abused by my father n mother. they said i am 100 % wrong n did a big sin.

And next day they love me again n take care of me. i am in the same situation from last two years. but i was never unhandy with my parents.

On his side everybody was agreed for me. but once my mother went to her brother's place and was unhandy with him, reminded him all old clashes n make a fight again. she asked him to stop his son. To accept some one else instead of him is not possible for me.  I found my self extremist in his case. we both are much sincere with each other and want to get marry.

I say to my prayers regularly n pray for us but my prayer is not accepted yet. i am worried alot. I do not find any old family member to convince my parents as my lawyer. If  I talk to any one in family about all this I know my parents will become angry again.

Now situation is critical on both sides. My so -called in laws asking for nikah but i cant do this. Plz help me out. plz

~ sara

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12 Responses »

    Can a woman be forced into marriage in Islam?
    Absolutely not! Let us look at what Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him said regarding this issue:
    Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as having said: "A woman without a husband (or divorced or a widow) must not be married until she is consulted, and a virgin must not be married until her permission is sought. They asked the Prophet of Allah (may peace be upon him): How her (virgin's) consent can be solicited? He (the Holy Prophet) said: That she keeps silence. (Translation of Sahih Muslim, The Book of Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 008, Number 3303)"
    Allah Almighty said in the Noble Quran: "O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower [money given by the husband to the wife for the marriage contract] ye have given them, except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good. (The Noble Quran, 4:19)"
    The following Saying is an explanation to Noble Verse 4:19:
    Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: "About the Qur'anic verse: 'It is not lawful for you forcibly to inherit the woman (of your deceased kinsmen), nor (that) ye should put constraint upon them.' When a man died, his relatives had more right to his wife then her own guardian. If any one of them wanted to marry her, he did so; or they married her (to some other person), and if they did not want to marry her, they did so. So this verse was revealed about the matter. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2084)" So according to Noble Verse 4:19, a woman can not be forced into marriage by any mean.

    Narrated AbuHurayrah: "The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: An orphan virgin girl should be consulted about herself; if she says nothing that indicates her permission, but if she refuses, the authority of the guardian cannot be exercised against her will. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2088)"
    Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: "A virgin came to the Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) allowed her to exercise her choice. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2091)"
    The choice that our beloved Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him gave to the woman is she can either remain married to the man, or divorce herself from him.

    • i know that their way of taking my consent is totally wrong. as they abused me many times. due which i realy feel a distanc n space btween me n my parents. which i never felt before. it is a kind of mental torture for me and physically i am also getting weaker day by day. all the referances you gave me I juct cant show them. they dont show even a minor flexibility in this matter. they consider it totally wrong and shamefull if their duaghter told her choice. they cant face the other family members. its very embaracing for them. I can under stand them. then y not they understand me??
      you said me to leave my house to scare them. i can see when they weep for me. when they weep for my condition. it make me guilt that my parents are worried because of me. i made them weep. i want to make them agree. i have no brother. and i am the eldest. how can i leave my parents?;(;(;(;( their all expectations belongs to me. due to this reason my whole life is disterbed. i m failed to fulfil their hopes. but i also found my self fail to forget him...not to love him. I realy don't know what to do. still in the same condition. ;( i want want my parents n him together. I just can't choose one of them. i love them both...;(;( i need both....n both are away from me. ;(;( what should i do?

  2. Assalamu'alaikum,

    Sister, at times, there are issues that we oversee, but they matter a lot. This is a matter of your LIFE. If your parents do not want to marry you to your cousin, they must have a reason. It need not be just based on family clashes.

    Of course, you have a right to say 'no' to a person they choose, if he isn't upon the deen and osn't compatible with you. Are you sure that this man is upon the deen and will help you win Allah's Pleasure? If not, then he is not worth getting married to. See if your parents have this opinion, too.

    'Love' may lead you into problems. You may do between yourself and your parents, what has happened between them and your uncle's family. You maybe disowned and they maybe depressed. Look ahead of love, sister, that is not always an answer, and in fact, most of the times, it is a trick of the Shaitaan.

    If you are sure about the man's deen, then try convincing your parents saying that this relation may join the broken bonds between the families and bring them closer. If they agree, it is good. But if they do not, I don't think there is a way but to go against them, which, I think you should not do. If you choose to stay and agree to your parents, then see if the man they choose is compatible with you, before you say 'yes'. If he is not, say that openly to them, because it is a matter of the entire life.

    A feeling of love, which is actually a fake desire created by Shaitan, can be easily overcome. You need to obey Allah and His Rasool Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam and have patience. I see a solution in this way. And Allah Knows Best.

    Abu Abdul Bari Editor

  3. i dnt knw that guy who is choosed by my parents. his qualification is same as my cousin's. I am 100 % sure about my cousin that he is realy sincere with me. he always respects me. old family clashes were between my mother n her sister in law before she married to my father. then every thing was ok. both families were happy with each other. me n my all sisters had good frienship with those cousins. nothing was wrong. but as my issue starts all stop. may b its my timely feelings as u said that it can over come. but i realy failed to leave him in any situation. if i will say him good bye he will never disterb me again i know. he is the person who's love taught me that how to pray. how to cry in dua. how to say prayer 5 times a day. all these situation taught me that i am nothing without ALLAH. this taught me how to take care of others. ;(;(;(;( is this a shaitan trick? it makes me closer to my LORD. ;( my ALLAH;( closer to prophet ( peace be uopn him). i just want both with respect and with the consent of my parents.;( I am praying n crying for last two should i disappoint? should I stop praying? I am begging ALLAH for both my parents and him. should I stop? ;(
    an other thing is that if I marry to that guy which my parents choose. Then after marriage i have to go out of country with him. Which i dont want. I have no brother. I want to stay here to take care of all. I cant live alone. ;(

    • Sister, there it is! He inspired you to pray, cry in dua, worship Allah, love His Rasool Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. But sister, this is sometimes what the trick of Shaitaan is.

      The love for Allah should be unconditional. If you cry because you love this cousin of yours and you do not see what is there with Allah, then it is something you should not do. You may offer Salah, just to ask Allah to make your parents agree. THIS is the trick of Shaitaan. Why and how?

      He has experience since the day he refused to do sajadah to Aadam Alaihis Salam. since the day he was cast out of the Jannah, since the day he managed to bring Aadam and his wife Hawwa out of the Jannah, by inspiring them to disobey. Your enemy has so much experience that he can coat disobedience with obedience and make evil seem good.

      Your worship should not be because of the man, but because Allah Created you for worship and His Obedience, without any condition, with total sincerity. This is how you should do Allah's Worship and love the Rasool Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam by learning his seerah and the seerah of his beloved Sahaabah Radiyallahu Anhum and by following the Rasool by following them.

      You should look at the Aakhirah as the final destination and organize yourself and your life accordingly. You asked if you should stop praying because it is a trick of Shaitaan. If anyone tries to poison you but fails, will you take poison yourself? No! So if Shaitaan wants you to pray because of someone else, will you abandon prayers altogether? This will be kufr. So, you should pray to Allah, because He Ordered you to do so, regardless of whether you get what you asked from Him or not. He knows best what is good for you, while you do not.

      Allah Said:

      وَعَسَىٰ أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُمْ ۖ وَعَسَىٰ أَنْ تُحِبُّوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَكُمْ ۗ وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتُمْ لَا تَعْلَمُونَ
      But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. (Baqarah, 216)

      And sister, if your have to go out of the country and you don't wish to, then mention that. But don't discard the idea completely. Perhaps it would help you begin your life anew, in a new place. If you have confusions, do not say 'yes' until you are satisfied and have performed Salatul Istikhaarah to ask for Help from Allah in your choice.

      May Allah Bless you

      Abu Abdul Bari Editor

      • Assalam o alikum

        Brother Abu Abdul Bari,
        how is this that we can differentiate that we have turned back towards Allah for our wishes i am in more or less a similar condition as the sister but Alhamdulillah my family is more understanding and i have refused the proposal from another country as i did not find the guy compatible the guy i liked i have cut all contacts with him and trying to forget him completely but i still do pray that i get him as i liked him because of his Islamic ways but i also know that Love before marraige is Haram and so to please Allah i have controlled myself from that but isnt it that when we are faced with difficulties it then we realize our dependency on Allah and that is when we turn towards Him for help isnt it a blessing in disguise??? Secondly humans are porne to make mistakes i also sometimes get confused that if iam doing soo much of Duas and prayers is it because of my own selfishness of getting what i desire???? but i do believe in unconditional Love of Allah for His servant and absolutely trust in His Rehma.

        May he be pleased with us and forgive our sins.

        For Sister Sara,

        As i already mentioned that iam in a similar situation as you are in therefore i would like to advise you to kindly follow the islamic way keep praying Istekhara and believe in Allah He'll bring out the best for you in the situation if you dont want to get married to your parents choice please dont force your self make it clear to them that you wont do it at any cost !!!!! thats your right
        Secondly sister falling in love with a guy before marriage is Haram so repent to Allah for that but desiring something is not Haram so keep praying for somthing that you want and do not despair Allah's mercy try finding goods in whatever He is giving you and try making the most of it i know its reallly reallyy hard but thats the test we alll have to passs in order to get the eternal reward try contrilling your emotions do Jihad with your nafs avoid the temptations submitt to Allah's will and believe that He will give you the best InshaAllah..
        take this all as a Jihad and be fighter use your weapons that Allah has given you Dua and Sabr to their best and pray that He helps you to be victorious.

        May Allah bless us All ( Aameen)

        • Wa Alaikum as Salam, Momina,

          When you pray to Allah in good and the bad times alike, be pleased with him whether He accepts your du'as or not, that is what is ideal. The kind of worship one does when one is in love is that a person prays and does dua so that Allah gives him or her that person. Halaal or haraam does not stop them, they ask for it, even if it be haraam.

          What you have done is great. You cut all contact with the man you liked and trusted in Allah.

          When you worship Allah as His Rasool Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam taught us, then you are on the correct way. 'Love' becomes a distraction in this way and a person becomes enslaved to the other, such that all worship is done for the sake of each other, even though Allah Deserves all Worship (as understood from explanation of love by Imam ibn Taymiyyah Rahimahullah).

          Abu Abdul Bari

          • so does that implies that we should quit to ask for what we desire, in my case i believe Allah can make good wats bad and he can also make bad wats good for us as He is the most Powerful and free in His decisions.
            I only ask Him to make me the way He wants His slaves to be and then grant me my wishes in only Halal manner and keep me away from Haram so that i do not fall astray

            Thanks for your learned response its vey Helpfull

            May Allah grant you all your Halal Wishes:)

          • The answer is in your own comment 🙂

            "Halaal Wishes"... Whatever is not haraam is to be abstained from, because Allah Ordered us to do so. When He asked us to abstain from it and made haraam for us, then there is good in that for us and not bad. If we ask for something that is not good for us, we can not say that He can make bad good and so, I will ask from Him, because what is the point in the abstention from the bad, then?

            Quitting asking from Allah is a result of the Shaitaan's trick, this is what he is adept at and works hard to achieve. Dua is something you should do everytime, even if it is for something as insignificant as a shoe lace. But when it is coupled with the deception of Shaitaan, a person confuses haraam with halaal and does what one should not be doing. For this reason, we should do du'as, within the halaal limits and not long for what Shaitaan makes seem good, but is actually is bad.

            For things we are confused about, we have Salatul Istikhaarah, through which we seek Allah's Help in choosing what is good for our deen and dunya, because Allah Knows what is good for us while we do not. If you read the dua of Istikhaarah, you will know that you are asking Allah for a thing, if it is good for your deen and dunya, and keep you away from it if it is not.

            It was narrated from Abû Hurairah that the Prophet ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said: ``A person will still be answered so long as his supplication does not involve sin or severing ties of kinship, and so long as he does not become impatient.'' It was said: ``O Messenger of Allâh, what does being impatient mean?'' He said: ``Saying: ‘I supplicated, and I supplicated, and I did not receive any response,' then he becomes disappointed and stops supplicating.'' (Sahih Muslim)

            Jubair bin Nufair narrated that `Ubâdah bin As-Sâmit narrated to them that, the Messenger of Allâh ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said: ``There is not a Muslim upon the earth who calls upon Allâh with any supplication, except that Allâh grants it to him, or he turns away from him the like of it in evil; as long as he does not supplicate for something sinful, or the severing of the ties of kinship.'' So a man from the people said: ``What if we should increase (in it).'' He said: ``(With) Allâh there is more.''( Tirmidhi - Hasan )

            Abu Abdul Bari

  4. Assalam o alikum

    Brother Abu Abdul Bari,
    after your comments iam trying very hard to keep my niyat in my prayer right intentionally, but my problem is that i have stopped asking for all my desires and not being able to communicate with Allah with a free mind as whenever i think of asking something i feel i might be out my selfishness and might impure my intentions for Allah.

    I am really stuck i sit in front of Allah only thinking of the things i want in lyfe but not being able to as as i want myself to please Allah and then get my wishes as a reward please help!!!

    Jazak Allah

    • Sister, that need not be done. When you ask for something from Allah and it is not Haraam or you know it is good, there is nothing wrong with it and you should ask with conviction that Allah Will accept your dua if it is good for you. Do dua with a free mind, until you are aware that what you are asking for involves sin.

      Everyone is selfish. If you ask for Jannah, even that would be out of selfishness. Would you stop asking for it then? Rather, you can ask for all halal wishes. Only abstain from asking for what involves sin. i.e. which is haraam and severing of ties, as mentioned in the hadith above. Other than this, if you do not know if something is good for you or not, then do Istikhaarah. Simple! Isn't it?

      Abu Abdul Bari Editor

  5. Salam sister, i'm a 20 year old from Bangladesh and i don't have much knowledge about these stuff.........but i have some ideas. Sister, what you are doing is very brave and inshallah correct as you are asking help from the one and only Allah. But you should know that we can't hide anything from allah. He knows everything, things that are inside the deepest part of our mind. So although you're trying to pray for halal things your center of attention is in the fact that you want to marry your cousin with your parents full permission. So instead of concentrating on one particular thing like your marriage pray for a lot of things like pray to allah to show your the right path, pray for guidance, pray to make your life beautiful and full of joy, pray to make your parents happy and to make them pleased on you, pray that whatever happens it's for your best and we're nothing but allah's servants. Pray for forgiveness if you're doing any mistake in prayer or life. Sister, allah knows everything and we can't hide anything from him intentionally or accidently. Even if you're not saying in your prayer that you want to marry your cousin, you're thinking about it all the time. And allah knows it. there's nothing wrong with it. And only Allah the almighty knows if we're mistaking or not. I understand that all you want is a happy life and pray for that cause everything is in allah's hand. And if you make any mistake then don't get upset. Just ask for forgiveness to allah. Whatever happens, it happens for a reason. We don't know the future, only allah does. Be patient and pray to allah. May be this is a test for you. Maybe this is a test for your cousin. May be this is a test for your parents. May be for the family that your parents choose. Or maybe for Everyone! It's all happening in Allah's wish and we can't even imagine why, how, when it'll benefit but be sure that it's for YOUR sake......ALLAH is the most loving, forgiving and he always loves us and whatever he does it's for our good! Just remember 1 thing, your Husband is fixed before you were even created as you're created from his left ribs. And allah created you and we can do nothing except to pray to him. Hope you'll have a good life and inshallah your probs 'll be solved. And brothers and sisters, correct me if i've written anything wrong or confusing. This is my first comment in this site and i've a LOT to learn. Don't we all? 🙂

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