Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I fell in love with a married Muslim man…

Hello

I fell in love with a married muslim man.. from the start i knew its not right coz i wouldnt want to break family. I tried to keep myself away from him but my love took over my mind totally.

Even he tried his best to make sure that we dont get into relationship. He is married and has 2 kids. Inspite of constant attempts from both we fell for each other. It was a long distance relationship.

We never met each other. Our relationship was bases on chats and video calls.. i wasnt muslim and he taught me islam.. i m grateful to this man who showed me path that lead to allah..we always knew that we will never meet.. we were clear that he will never marry me..

Later he started getting jealous of me talking to other man and i promised him i will never marry.. i will only love him.. my love was unconditional.. our chats were decent and we would discuss all our problems with each other. He said he doesnt love his wife but he is keeping that relationship coz of his kids.. infact at the start of relationship itself i had made him promise me that he will never hurt wife..

Its almost 1 year now. Just few days back wife learnt about us.. She messaged me to stay away from him.. later he messaged me saying its over between us coz wife would divorce him if this continues and he took swear on kids that he will never talk to me.

I feel really bad and guilty of what i have done.. i can really understand this whole thing and i will never contact him..

How do i pray allah to make his life better?? What dua i should do to get my mind and my heart out of his thoughts?? Every night i sleep thinking i should never get up..

Rukiye

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14 Responses »

  1. Assalmualaikum,
    Think abt this, why would he want to leave his wife? We understand that an extended family is halal. Why would he tell you that he does not love his wife? The man does love his wife but can be playing with your emotions. Why would he want to put you in competition with his wife? I want a man who loves us both and not make me and his wife enemies. Sister you can do better! The way he is telling you that he is in itfor the kids that is only to win you over to make you think you are more special than his wife. In the Muslim religion everyone is equal. If he did not like his wife why would he have married her and gave her two children. Unless she has broken some law then I could understand. But the way he is talking to you about his wife now could be the way he talks about you to another lady in the future if you all were to marry.
    Salaam

  2. Firstly, well done for keeping control of your nafs and not letting it drive you.
    You're being selfless which is really admirable. May Allah reward you for it.

    I have seen many silly, love-struck girls who ruin families and so many lives just to get what they want.
    And I'm happy, you're not one of them.

    I agree with sis/bro Till's comment above. There is food for thought. Please consider what they have said.

    Continue doing dua for him and also for yourself.
    Why is he being jealous when you are talking to others when he is pretty much doing the same thing???

    Please move on. And find someone who will complete your deen. Insha Allah.

    Lots of duas and best wishes,

    Your sis in Islam x

  3. Salam,

    I need you to understand that by continuing this relationship with this man will bring nothing but bad. Stories like yours are actually more common than you think. In situations like this, what usually happens is that the man would continue the contact withe the girl and then plan a meeting for them to commit adultery, If this is the route you want to take then go ahead , but just remember it leads you to the hell fire and a lot of pain.

    This man put his own needs in front of yours. Like you said he got upset when he found out that you were talking to other men, and yet he's married and you're not. He has his life sorted and you don;'t. He claims to not be in love with his wife and yet, when his wife threatens to leave him , he's quick to cut you off. Do you really think this man loves you?

    Another thing that I would like to address is where is your morals?? Like why are you talking to another man and causing threat to his family, you claim to not want to be a home wrecker but yet that's what you're exactly doing to his family. You need to get yourself straight. Stay away from this MAN infact stay away from any man who isn't your mehram.

    I

  4. I agree with all of you here... i probably lost my morals for sometime.. i shouldnt have fallen for a married man.. yes and i agree if he really loved me, he wouldnt cut me off like this.. i havent attempted to contact him after that.. i shouldnt ruin it anymore.. if he played with me.. i leave him with his sin.. i am no sinless but may allah never let me commit such imortal act in furture... like they say there is a reason for everything that happens in one's life.. may be this man came to my life to lead me to the most blessed and beautiful religion.. he lead me to believe me in allah.. probably i was destined in that path.. all i am trying now is to get him off my mind. .. i am determined to never talk to him.. but allah knows when will i be able to get him out of my mind and heart.. coz i truely loved him.

    • Alhamdulilah.
      It seems like you learnt your lesson. And that is a beautiful way to look at the situation.
      Maybe this pain and experience IS a blessing in disguise to bring you closer to Allah.

      I know it's really hard, Sister, to forget him. I know when you're emotionally involved it is tough to forget the other person.

      I was in a similar situation. Like, I liked a married man- I loved him. But I never let my feelings be known.
      And in my heart, I knew it was love- not lust. Because I was drawn to him because of his islamic character and his Muhammadan qualities! Because he was practising, and just. I knew it was love.

      And I did strong dua to Allah, that he is not mine and I am not his. He belongs to someone else, may the love increase between them and may the love go away from my heart.
      It hurt a lot. But I did sincere dua that my love for the creation shouldn't exceed my love for the Creator! I did dua that Allah remove him from my heart.
      It was difficult because I saw him everyday. I used to wait eagerly to see him. And any day that I did not see him, I was In a bad mood! Every future plan or fantasy I had involved him. When I woke up in the morning, his face was the first image that came to mind and his name to my lips.
      When I went to sleep, his face was the last image I remembered. It was crazy! I was crazy! I heard his name, and my legs turned to jelly. I'm a pretty confident and bubbly person but when I saw him- it seemed like the cat had got my tongue. I would blush scarlet whenever I heard his name. Those are just some of the feelings I had.
      But Allah removed the love for this man, alhamdulilah.

      I became busy and active in other activities and hobbies that I and my thoughts became distance from him.

      And those feelings were removed alhamdulilah.

      - try busying yourself in other things. A hobby? An art?

      - look for someone else. You'll realise that there are better options.
      ...

      What I'm trying to say is that it will be hard to move on, but you WILL move on. Only you are capable of letting that happen. No one else.

      Be strong, my dear Sister.
      And remember that do not let the love for creation overpower the love for the CREATOR.

      Wish you the best. Keep us updated on how things work out.

      Your sis in Islam x

      • MASHALLAH SISTER RUBY, your story is so nice, it is always so beautiful to know about delicate feelings, subhanAllah

        I congratulate you for removing this love from your heart for creation
        I want to know , how do you know it was love?and what were the qualities in that man, that you adored?

        • Aselam o alaikum,

          JazakAllah khair.
          I remember reading your story in another post @ Thai, which is also a beautiful story.

          *How did I know it was love?*
          That is a tough one. It certainly wasn't lust. When I thought about him, it wasn't his physical features- I mean I didn't even know the colours of his eyes. So it wasn't lustful desires that I had.

          My heart would be like what is he doing now throughout the day? He occupied my thoughts and conquered my heart. (Not anymore though, alhamdulilah.) When he prayed, I could see him praying - and there was so much peace and solace in the air. My heart would beat faster at the beautiful feeling in the air.
          When I didn't see him, because he was ill, I would worry stupidly. Was he ok? Was he too ill? What if he died? These thoughts would come to mind.
          My feelings were genuine. They say when you love someone, then the Beloved of your beloved becomes YOUR beloved. (Hahaha, does that make sense to you?)
          So his favourites became my favourites, subconsciously.

          And I would always do dua to Allah; that make his duniya and akhirah good for him. I would do dua that Allah, he is someone's, not mine.
          I know he can't be mine. But Allah, give me a partner who is like him or better.
          I am working hard in this life and I Hope in Jannah that I will be with someone like him.

          So many feelings were pure- so I knew it was love. And not lust.

          *Qualities i admired in him*

          - practising - he would pray, fast, give charity
          - teach his children very good manners
          - lower his gaze - when he spoke to me, he would be very gentle and humble.
          - humour (my type of lame humour!)
          - nice to the elderly
          - his love for nature: flowers, gardening, the skies, etc
          - gentle to the young
          - the fact that he was all macho, foolish and himself with his friends, but when he spoke to me it was like a gentleman and with so much respect and adab.

          Wisdom. I guess that was another one.

          They say someone who reminds you of your religion and your Lord is what's best for you.

          And this man certainly did.
          ...

          Til today, I pray that Allah- thank you so much for keeping me on the straight and narrow.
          And please send me someone who is loving and caring and deserving of my love because I have so much that I want to experience and share in a Halal way.

          So my Hope in Allah and Love for Allah are the only things that got me through it.
          I reminded myself that why am I forgetting my Lord for a mere man??
          Why is it that my night and day are spent in his thoughts?

          Should I not instead ponder on the Creator of the night and the day. That is what is important.

          • Yes that makes so much sense. The beloved of the beloved, becomes your beloved.

            This man genuinely seems like an amazing person. I always try to learn from this website , and today i learned how to behave around women, lower your gaze, talk with adab insha Allah i will inculcate this into my life. And humour, yes must work on it. I believe alot of muslims need to work more on humour

            As for the feelings of love, i hope and pray you find a very good spouse insha Allah, and you can have these beautiful feelings again in a halal way.
            the fact that you admire such qualities in a person tell alot about who you are as a person Alhamdulilah

            Salams

          • JazakAllah khayr for your duas. That really means a lot! X So I am holding you to that, lol.

            Yes, the man was amazing. But when I did dua, my heart turned from him. So later on, I also experienced him being angry at times, arrogant, rude even.
            So in a way, my heart turned from him. It definitely was not my place to say whether he was good or bad or make any such assumption. But it was enough for me to NOT be in love anymore. Do you see what I mean?
            So SubhanAllah, Allah works in mysterious ways. I was drawn away from this man and instead turned to Allah. Allah made me forget this man to instead remember HIM- my real King,

            SubhanAllah jalla Jallallahu!

            You're very right. I am also learning a lot from this website.
            So you teach me also. What qualities would you look for in a wife? What is very crucial for men? There may be some things, as girls that we don't pay attention to. Of course, everyone has their own point of view, but what is yours?

            And why do some men say that they don't want a sister who is "too practising" or "too orthodox"?
            I don't understand why one would say that. Surely, if she's practising, that is a good thing, right?

            Also, some brothers are not ok with niqaabis as wives? Why?

            I am a niqabi. And i don't understand why a Muslim man would have issues with it?

          • Hello. Thankyou for your reply sister ruby. I cannot speak for all the guys as everyone has their own opinions. For the time being, im just working on myself. Always trying hard to be a better person in every way, and i wish i find someone who believes in always changing for the better, and not being stagnant
            ok so As you already know my story, so you would know why number one quality on my list is loyalty. Loyalty and honesty is soooo important in any relationship. I hope i dont have to teach someone basic moral values just like i had to previously. deceitful people kill the very soul of their partners.
            My family is highly educated , almost all the women including my sisters are into medicine, men are lawyers and into judiciary. So i would prefer someone educated enough so that she doesnt feel left out. however i believe the "spiritual and religious education matters too, i would want someone who has had good tarbiyah about morals and religion,so that she can be a good wife and parent
            . If she isnt as educated in the worldy sense, il do a
            phd on her behalf lol.

            I have a few ambitions. I want to arrange weekly/monthly islamic programs at my home, where we collectively recite The Quran, teach people ahadith, do zikr and try to bring then closer to Allah and the prophet alaihi salam. My mom and i also cook sometimes, and distribute food to the poor in our street. All this takes alot of time, energy and commitment. I would want someone who helps me do all this wholeheartedly as i love doing these acts. I have always loved sports so someone sporty will be good, so that we can busy our kids with sports . This way lots of kids are saved from bad company/drugs etc

            Im introverted and sensitive so i would want to be with someone who is softspoken and not too loud/outgoing
            someone not too impulsive, who tries tolooks at the bigger picture.
            As for being orthodox , i believe in balance. There should be a balance in worldy and religious activities. And every worldy activity done with the right intention becomes an act of worship. Providing for your family is an act of ibadah, so is looking after needs of children . Even swimming can be a good act if done with the intention of following sunnah.
            If a muslimah wears a niqab and has haya, that would be a great plus, i personally would feel so good, having to know that only i can see my wife and no other man

            These are some of the things i would like to have in a sister
            would you like to mention some more traits in a brother that a muslimah wants.
            Thanks

          • Thanks for sharing your views.
            Definitely very insightful.
            Very ambitious, ma sha Allah.
            May Allah grant you the Queen of your dreams, in sha Allah.

            You asked me what traits I would look for. And I can only speak for myself. I'm sure every girl has her own ideal, which won't necessarily be the same as mine.

            Me- I prefer a bit of....simplicity.

            Someone who appreciates the simplicity in things. Like a rose. How would one interpret that? It's interesting seeing so many interpretations and views on the nature and beauty of Allah's Creation. I'm not sure whether that makes sense to you, but I'm just trying to express my thoughts and feelings down into words.

            I don't like arrogance at all. That is the first quality that i most hate. People who are self-righteous or believe that they are better than others.
            I've met brothers that slander or belittle others in order to have fun themselves or get a thrill. I find that really disgusting. So that is a big no-no. I'm sure other sisters may have similar views.

            I remember when I went to Hajj a couple of years ago and I went in a group. There was a potential Rishta there; but he has acting all high and mighty and treating the workers in the Haram as dirt. That was a big put-off for me. He was mocking and teasing them.

            Education is important for me.
            I am educated in both -deen and duniya. I think they both complement one another and if you have one, it will help you understand the other.
            It will remove jahilliya.
            So ideally, I would like someone who is educated in both.
            But I don't have requirement that it must be to a specific standard or in a specific field.
            I love Diversity and difference!
            And I'm in the law field, but I wouldn't want someone who is in the same field as me. It may be slightly boring!

            And I wouldn't want my spouse to be in the same field as others to "fit in" because differences should be welcomed, appreciated, explored and loved! What do you think?

            It is very important for me that the person is aware of his rights and responsibilities islamically.
            Someone who knows what a husband should do. Some men just know about THEIR rights and the WIFE's Responsilities.
            But ideally the person should be educated and aware of his responsibilities also.

            Honesty and comfortability is crucial. i agree with you there. Understanding also.

            I think shyness in a man is attractive too. For me, that's a trait I like and in sha Allah, look for. It's quite rare, but I would welcome it! Humble, shyness and being gentle and tender. These aren't normally qualities linked to the alpha-male, but a Muslimah I would like these.

            Another quality I really would like is for the person to follow the Sunnah with love. so having a beard would be ideal.
            Someone who follows the Sunnah in his treatment of his wives my there are so many beautiful examples of how our beloved prophet peace be upon him treated his wives and helped them,etc.

            I am not searching for someone who is perfect. I don't want Mr Perfect. Because I want someone who will guide me too and I will help him and together we can aim for perfection. Don't need to get there but try to make each other better, closer to Allah and closer to our deen.

            I love this quote which I'll share with you:

            A woman should be so focused on Allah that a man has to seek HIM to find her.

            What is your interpretation of this?

          • Hello sister ruby i wrote a long reply. It wasnt approved and it doesnt show on the site

            I think we are going off topic, i request admins to pls post my previous reply and this one, i dont intend to write again on this post. Thankyou waslam

          • Salaam Thai,

            Ah, I see what you mean.

            May Allah ease this sister's pain and bless you for your advice also.

  5. OP: Its almost 1 year now. Just few days back wife learnt about us.. She messaged me to stay away from him.. later he messaged me saying its over between us coz wife would divorce him if this continues and he took swear on kids that he will never talk to me......I feel really bad and guilty of what i have done.. i can really understand this whole thing and i will never contact him..

    Every night i sleep thinking i should never get up..

    What country you both live in? Did his wife use his cell phone to text you?
    You sound like sad and depressed. Get some help.

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