Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have no attraction to my fiance

Dua woman at Sunset

Aswlkm,

I am a 25 year old female that grew up here in the US. I grew up as a moderate practicing muslim. My parents and especially my mom has always emphasized how important education is and they have worked really hard and struggled a lot just to give me and my siblings a more than comfortable life style Alhumdulillah. Because of this they were able to support me through dental school and I have had a very easy life mashaAllah. They worked really hard to make sure I became a succesful Dentist and the pressure for me to get married has gotten worse and worse as i get older. My parents have a very high expectation as to who i get marrried to. The top priority being that he is a medical/dental doctor. Though we tried looking for a medical doctor here in the US, none of the Doctors from the US have shown much interest, maybe because im not exactly what you would call a trophy wife. Im average looking and more on the heavier side.The only ones who seem to be interested in me are the doctors from India/pakistan. At first i rejected alot of them because i jsut cant find myself to feel attracted to someone who grew up in India/pakistan.

I have nothing against anyone who grew up there or who have indian accents because after all my parents are from there and they have accents too. But maybe because i grew up here, i cant seem to find someone who talks like that seuxally attractive to me in my opinion.

My parents started getting more and more worried and she forced me to go to india to meet a guy there. though she told me she would not force me if i didnt like the guy. he was really nice and everything went fine, but i just couldnt seem to be attracted to him. He speaks english and he understands me but his english is really bad. its hard for me to look past it. im not very fluent in the Indian language so english is the main language to communicate in.

This isnt just about something as superficial as his accent, i found that we didnt really have much of a deep connection. we talk everyday. but mostly through text and not for long. I wouldnt say hes a bad muslim but hes also not very religious either.My parents love him because hes a Dentist and hes very smart and hes respectful to them. some things that i find a little bit weird is he had only met me once when i came to visit in india and we only met for a few days. after that he told me how hes madly in love with me and he thinks im beautiful and he said all these very typical bollywood romantic lines. it was nice of him but at the same time i cant understand how he can be madly in love with someone when he hardly knows anything about me or without ever having a deeper personal connection. I feel like he just really likes me because im American and he wants to leave India and also cus im a dentist. Hes never really asked me anything important regarding what he wants in a wife in regards to Islam, or career, or personality traits, or future goals. He hasnt asked me a single thing yet he says hes in love with me. I dont think hes lying about being in love with me because he always is very eager to talk to me everyday. I just think we have different mentalities when it comes to love. I think it takes time, i think you should be able to talk to ur partner about anything and have deep converstations and also be able to laugh and have a good time and also be able to be 100% yourself around that person. I dont feel a single one of these things with him.

It has been about 7 months since we have been talking. at first i told him im not interested and told him it was not going to work out. He wasnt very happy and was really upset and bitter and would still send me messages telling me how much he loved me. how i drive him crazy. He wouldnt really tell me anything specific or original about who i am as a person as to why he loved me. it was all lines you hear in movies. which is why i feel like were both different mentality wise. My parents were getting really worried and told me i wont find someone and that im making a big mistake. that im going to be very unhappy if i dont look at whats important. To them all thats important is that hes a dentist. they dont understand that having a personal connection or clicking with someone is important at all. they dont care that i dont have any attraction to him.So to make my parents happy i agreed to marry him. ever since then they have been extremely happy and plans for the wedding have already started. I felt like i would still try my best to give him a chance and see if i can have feelings for him. its been about three months since i said yes and i cant seem to build anything for him. Whenever he is affectionate, i cant return it back and i get really uncomfortable and repulsed inside.How am i going to be able to live with this person and be intimate with him if i cant even feel affectionate towards him? Its been stressing me out alot, and i get anxiety whenever i have to discuss wedding plans with my parents. I get zero sense of joy from any of this and its nothing im looking forward to.

Hes a very good person and i dont feel like he would mistreat me if we were to get married. Im sure he would work hard and he would be great. But i feel like he will always love me and shower me with his love and I will never be able to return it to him. This very thought makes me so depressed.

I just dont know how to have the courage to tell my parents i dont want to marry him. his visa has already been applied for and the wedding hall is booked and my parents are so happy and i just want them to be happy for everything they have been through and done for me.

confused13

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18 Responses »

  1. Confused: Hes a very good person and i dont feel like he would mistreat me if we were to get married. Im sure he would work hard and he would be great. But i feel like he will always love me and shower me with his love and I will never be able to return it to him. This very thought makes me so depressed.

    Get some acting lessons for yourself so you can shower him with love. Send your husband to college to improve his English skills. You will never find a perfect man. I am curious what English accent you find sexually attractive. Accent is to create attraction that leads to sex. Accent can be improved, just get him trained in the accent that turns you on. You may find a man with good accent but you won't be able to make him a dentist.
    You are feeling unhappy because you are making a big deal of of some thing that is least important in marriage.

    • You often make such weird comments.

      your curious to know what accents the sister finds sexual attractive?

      You should fear Allah

      • @Khalil You often make such weird comments.
        your curious to know what accents the sister finds sexual attractive?
        You should fear Allah

        May be my comments look weird to you becasue you may supper intelligent guy or........
        My comments require some deep thinking some times. I asked the question based on what OP said : I have nothing against anyone who grew up there or who have indian accents because after all my parents are from there and they have accents too. But maybe because i grew up here, i cant seem to find someone who talks like that seuxally attractive to me in my opinion.

        I probably sensed "accent" was an important thing for sexual attarction for the OP.

      • @khalil: Please feel free to point out how some of my comments are weird. Your guidance may help me become a better person. This may also make you feel better.

  2. Sister loves grows after marriage, I feel like you want to have what most people have here in the us a bf and gf relationship to build that love, but that's not how it works for us!
    Finding a good man is hard and inshallah this guy will keep you happy and treat you right, all the things you mention are superficial specially about his accent, with time that will improve and once you guys are together he will feel more comfortable and will have better conversations with you.
    All the best

    • Assalamu Alaikum.

      Love may grow (usually does) but sexual attraction is binary (for the most part). It is there or it is not there.
      I speak from my experience but as a man.

  3. Salams confused13,

    So I hardly ever leave responses, even though I do visit the site a couple of times a week. When I saw your post though, I just couldn't not reply. I went through something similar too. In short, my parents found a guy for me who was really nice, smart, good family etc, but I just couldn't bring myself to like him. I grew up in the Middle East & he grew up in my home country. After talking to him a few times, i realized we had nothing in common, & our conversations were so forced, it was uncomfortable! He would also tell me how much he liked me etc, only after a couple of meetings & so on, & i never told him i liked him back..'cause i really didn't!

    Eventually, he ended things (Alhumdulillah) because he realized i just wasn't into him & we weren't really clicking. I thank Allah everyday for that, because I don't think I would've ended it - for fear of hurting my parents. Once it was over though, even my parents realized we weren't a good match. They saw how relieved I was, & how I went back to the person I was before I had got engaged (during the period, i really wasn't myself because I was so depressed)

    Your parents obviously want what's good for you, but sometimes, because of age & where they were brought up, as opposed to where we were, they think differently to us. I think if you know in your gut he isn't the right guy, you should talk to your parents & tell them exactly how you feel - and of course make lots & lots of dua. I know people here will tell you that love comes after marriage ect, and im sure it does, but I think you just need to be comfortable with the whole thing from the get-go. If you get married, with the way you feel right now..i really don't think it'll work out well.

    I'm 25 now &; still not married, &; while my parents are under alot of pressure to get me married-off, they're taking their time & looking for someone they know I will have things in common with. And even though when my engagement broke off they weren't too happy, now they really get me. So again, please talk to your parents. They only want the best for you. I hope everything works out in your favour inshaAllah!. Please keep us updated.

    HH

  4. Please listen to sister HH. Make lots of dua and pray istikara. You don't feel any connection now then after marriage you will feel bored and very uncomfortable. Make sure he is not using you to get to your country. He can't even say why loves you then I'd be worried. Ask him tough questions and then he'll perhaps see that you don't have much in common. You are very practical and your reasonings are logical. I don't think you are being materialistic or naive. Too many marriages are being destroyed...so you ought to know what your getting yourself into. This marriage seems like a gamble.

  5. I also hardly every reply or message in, but i have been through something similar. I think you would definately need to speak now because it seems to me if he is coming to stay with you in America and if he hasnt been away from where he stays before, he might go wild and become unbearable once you get married. Im not saying this to offend anyone im saying this because i have seen it happen. It happens to anyone who is restricted to stay where they were born and then when they get the opportunity they go wild. Please take the advise and read istighara, because ultimately your parents cannot go against Allah if your istighara comes out negative. Infact, Allah will reward you and your parents for listening to him. From the way things sound, i gather so many similarities. Please sort it out now. If he is ignoring the fact that you are unhappy, he is watching far too many programmes thinking he will make you happy eventually. If your heart is not with him now, it might never be. Its true love comes after marriage, but there must be some sort of attraction from both sides. Put your heart in Allahs hands and he will put it in the heart of the one that is meant for you. Allah will help you and may he sort out all of your doubts and help you decide, Aameen

  6. Sister,

    You need to take the bull by the horns and assert yourself. Let your parents know just how much you love and respect them however, you do not want this marriage. Stop trying to make your parents happy at YOUR expense. They love you no matter what however, your happiness, your health and your well being matters most.

    You are a grown woman and how you feel is huge in all of this...it's your life! The sooner you step up to the plate and say what you need to say, the better. The longer you allow this to drag on, the harder it is going to become and the more expenses will be paid out by the families involved. Take control of the situation without delay and speak up! Marrying someone you don't want to marry is simply crazy. You have a right to be happy and enjoy your life and as such, you have a right to marry someone with whom you are attracted to. Nothing wrong with that!

    Salam

  7. As Salam O alaikum Doc sissy

    Now to go on, Sis Indians might not be having accent like Americans but that doesnt makes them so poor on Command over English as a language. Americans might be saying Honey, darling, sweetheart if thats what you find affectionate Indians might not so openly say those words to any and everyone. Its not Language or Accent difference but is purely CULTURAL difference. But as far as my personal experience is concerned Indians are not really bad at heart, and there way of expressing Love is quiet Unique. Even your ethinicity is Indian its just that you are grown up in America. Matters a lot !

    Anyways but its not always necessary to Love your fiancee first and then marry him. Love will gradually develop give it time. I am sure this Doc Bhaijaan from India would surely WIN you by heart one fine day, and that day wouldnt be far 🙂 and that you would never Regret rather thank ALLAH and your Parents. Give it time sis. No need to get anxious about. Everything happens as per ALLAHs will and TIME.

    Also take that misconception out from your mind that He Loves you or expresses his Love to you just because you are AMERICAN and he wants to leave India. Get that thing right out from your mind and heart. Reason being : -

    * He himself is a doctor ( Dentist ). He doesnt need to marry a American just to get over to America. Masha ALLAH he himself is as educated as you are. If he would wish, he can go to America because he shares the same education as you. On his own merit he can.

    Just because you have this thought in your mind love is lacking. Sis dont be so selfish. FINGERS of the same HAND / FIST are also not same. So how can all people be the same with same mentality. Think it from a positive prospective.

    I wish you all the very best.. And a grand married life. Salam to everyone at your end. & advance Congratulations ! 🙂

    Regards and Best Wishes

    Wa Salam !

  8. You need to be honest with yourself. You have nothing in common with this individual and you are only agreeing to marry him in order to please your parents. Sister, there is no need to cross an ocean to find a spouse. As someone has already mentioned, there are huge cultural differences at play here, which you are recognizing as well. If you have been raised in the US, then you have a completely different set of cultural norms than your fiancé. I agree that it is highly unusual for someone to say that they are madly in love with you, when you have only met them once. You are seeking a mental connection with your spouse - if you talk to him every day, and that connection is not there, it won't miraculously surface once he has a visa into the US.

    Now is your chance. Break it off. Find a muslim in the US. You are young, and it is wrong of your parents to be putting this pressure on you. Furthermore, are you really ready to financially support someone? I mean, you're such a good daughter, and you have worked so hard to obtain an education and a job, and you will now have to bring your fiancé to the USA, register him for English classes, help him find a job...all while you are the head of the household and paying for everything including his expenses. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but there is nothing wrong with wanting to marry someone who will share or help take care of you. What if he fails his dental transfer exams? If he's not fluent in English, then no one is going to hire him.

    Think carefully, please. You have no obligation to sacrifice your happiness.

    the other day I was at the grocery store and the cashier was a muslim with an accent -- likely indo-pak. He was fluent in English, but his mannerisms were unusual. For example, he did not greet me with a smile, or say hello. It is typical where I live for clerks to ask if we want plastic bags. He simply said "you want bags?". It was rude. And I understood completely that he grew up in a different environment, and some things we take for granted in North America. But he did not say "hello, would you like plastic bags today?". That would have been far more appropriate and polite.

    I didn't care one way or another.....but I'm just telling you that your fiancé is going to approach life in the US very differently than you. Will he fit in with your friends? Will you be able to introduce him to your co-workers? When you have kids, will he be able to socially interact with teachers, other parents, etc? If you have professional conferences and events to attend, will he be supportive?

    Please think of all this before you decide to sacrifice your youth for your parents.

  9. You have full right to deny the marriage of you don't like him .

    Please remember marriages are like double edge swords .You might like American ascent and style of American man but might dislike other stuff in him over a period of time so there is no guaranty for any thing .

    SEX is very important part of life and if physical appearance is good you might enjoy but after that you never know what all might happen .

    Its all myths that love develops after marriage .After marriage its all about earning money and supporting families .

  10. Salam .let's clear up some issues.First all there's no such thing as moderate muslim.You either follow 100% Allah's commandments and teachings of prophet Muhammad PBUH to the point or lose yourself in this duniya (world)Just from your long story .it is very easy determine a person especially when the true believers are given special gifts of things that most people don't have.This only because of taqwa! When persons foundation is not brought up in a Islamic environment then the race for duniya begins.Worldly education becomes priority because the expression people get is that an education an high paying job is going to give me success.This is the biggest downfall with the muslims in general.Allah is the one gives success and failure.Just look at the world at large .The divorce rate is high people have children who are out of wedlock Drugs is cool drinking is fun wearing tight outfits is sex and most of all antI depressants is the way.....etc..Don't you get. You can still get both of the world's provided Allah is first!!For the marriage just write a note and tell them I'm not happy and Islam doesn't Allah this behaviour .Arrange marriage is a culture thing.Just be honest ....You are old enough to move on for your protection..Marry a sunni scholor and who is worldly educated .You will be blessed n happy

  11. Assalamualeikum... First of all lemme show my disgust wit the administration of this portal.. U guys should realise tht people write up their questions seeking comments coz they r in terrible pain n r in a fix.. So plz stop selectin a few questions accordin to ur whims n fancies.. Grow up as muslims n help...
    Well, confused 13, my situation is a lil similar But m the guy n my fiancee isnt any american But has flown to usa for her dds n she snapped the alliance after talkin intimate, going naked on skype, after promising marriage,.. Jus coz after almost 2 months she realised tht We aint on the same page... She visits clubs frequently n used to drink alcohol which I asked to stop n she had agreed But suddenly she realised tht its tough for her... Left me devastated.. Wat right did she hv? To get so intimate n leave a person... U guys should realise tht playin wit some ones feelings under confusion is not right.. N if u commit, u live wit it n mould the person.. I m a doctor, an anesthetist n had started studying usmle for her n look wat she did.. Common.. Love can bloom sister... Jus stay there n pray to allah n since u made him involved, plz live him n stand by wat u hv got into.. Allah hafiz....

    • We do not select a few questions according to our "whims n fancies". We publish a few every day but always in chronological order. First submitted, first published.

      Your mistake in your situation was getting involved with a woman who has bad behavior and expecting her to change for you. Instead of trying to change someone into what you want them to be, look for someone who already has the character traits you desire.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. firstly- if your old enough to marry, you should be old enough to speak up to your parents and tell them you do not want to marry this man, your not obliged to appease anyone, even your parents if they present you with someone that is to your dislike, and you feel you could not live with honorably, for whatever reason that may be.

    secondly- It seems as though the term 'moderate Muslim' here is being used as a synonym for, 'not to bothered about Islam' you mentioned that this man has been intimate with you or intimate towards you, and it repulsed you because you are not attracted to him, but you made no mention that this alarmed or concerned you, due to it being completely Haram! intimacy with anyone other then a spouse is forbidden in islam.....
    also if you are getting married as per the shariah your not going to have a 'deep connection' with someone unless you are doing something wrong and crossing the boundaries of what is halal, so you do need to be more realistic about what you are seeking, if you want your marriage to be Islamic,
    A deep connection is only established within marriage not outside it,

    you do need to repent to Allah for the sins you have committed, Allah is the one who blesses people with righteous spouses, who will offer us what we need in marriage, if we are disobeying Allah, and not taking heed of his rulings, we cannot expect any good to touch us from him, sister i would really have a think about my religious commitment ( as we all need to) this situation has developed as it has, because of disobedience towards Allah and a lack of concern with his commandments,
    if you repent and concern yourself with his commandments he will inshallah bless you with a good spouse that will offer you everything you desire in marriage, i would much rather marry a women 10 years your senior who is religious committed, then someone your age who is only moderately concerned with her faith, don't worry about your age, Allah is the one who gives

  13. If you do not feel any attraction for him so you should not marry him because I had also got very bad experience.
    I did not like my fiance but my parents forced me to do but I refused their decision because in Islam you have open right to do marry on your choice..If your heart and soul do not feel for anyone so you can refuse..

    Thanks

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