Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Contemplating divorce due to absence of intimacy in Marriage

interfaith, torn, children, marriage problem, lonely

I have been married for 7 years and for many years my wife has refused me in bed. Also I have asked her to wear nice clothes and makeup at home but she does this very rarely. I am miserable in my marriage and a few years ago asked for a divorce. At this time she became interested in intimacy and we now have a daughter who is 2 years old.

Since then, she has resorted to ignore me and showing very little interest in intimacy or pleasing me. I told her I am very unhappy but she does not change. I think about divorce but become very depressed when I think about being away from my daughter.

I even became very depressed and attempted suicide. Still my wife does not change. I don't know what to do. I am miserable in my marriage but will be miserable being thousands of miles away from my daughter if we get divorced. We have tried marriage counseling and it did not help.

Please give me advice.
Thank you,



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39 Responses »

  1. brother, i really feel it for you.
    but why are you hesitent when she is not giving you your rights and not fearing Allaah, then why are you keeping her.
    she is eating up your youthhood, and money.

    who said you will seperate from your daughter, wallaahi, you can divorce her and get full custody of yor child in the sharee'ah.
    there are ahadeeth which suggest if a divorced woman is keeping the child, and then she remarries, she must give up the child to his/her father.

    however, if you live in a western land which is most likely the case, then i would advice you to get a second wife who will treat you like you deserve

  2. Brother momin, why not consider having a second wife if you dont want to leave your first wife?? You know in islam, Allah has given you the oppurtunity to marry four wives (if at all you know you can maintain justice between them). . . . . By having a second wife, you will have chances of satisfying your sexual desires with her, and without disturbing you first wife.... See into this and it may help in this world and in hereafter insha Allah

    • I would say he get's married to a 2nd wife and if the first one don't like it, tough luck, she had her opportunity, she is the one who created the distance in the marriage.

      I would advise you brother since you have tried everything and you not want to sin, to think about a 2nd wife as well, my feeling is if you do this, the first wife will change and realise the error of her ways or she will hate you and want a divorce, I doubt she'll allow you to have a 2nd wife and remain in marriage with her, most people aren't able to handle polygamy in the 21st century.

  3. Dear Brother,
    Aslam to you, I have disability in speaking and hearing. My husband says that he will leave me if I do not study in australia to get pr card.

    (I deleted the rest of your comment. I have told you more than once in the past to log in and write your question as a separate post. - Editor)

  4. brother Momin.


    I am not married myself, so i really dont know the intensity of marital issues. But i understand the importance of keeping a family together which i learnt the hard way from my own background. Of what I understand from your post, I can only think of the following things for you to move towards a successful and a happy family life.

    Please note that, me being a girl, I am trying to figure out the issue with your wife. I do not mean to offend you in anyway and fully understand your circumstances.

    1. Have you both talked about why does she not get interested in making the sexual life more pleasurable? Does she have any inhibitions? any issues which she is embarrassed to share with you. You may try asking her all this showing concern with her matter. Sometimes, women like being asked when they are given attention in the issues. Rather than telling her that you want this, you like it this way, you can probably ask her what is it that she would like to do? is there anything she doesn't like about intimacy, any aspect which you are not aware and which might be putting her off.

    2. One more thing about women is: sometimes a woman does not like if her man budges too much about sex and only sex. She gets easily offended if she is told to satisfy or please the husband. This is not because she doesn't want to, but she thinks that she has her own style of loving. Ofcourse she needs to understand her husband's desires, but if she is told to dress up nicely or do things to please the husband, a woman gets offended easily. She takes it personally and feels lack of appreciation and worth in being a good wife. It also depends on how a man puts these things across. Some women take these comments positively and work on it, but some women give up. They lose interest and think that their man is interested only in sex and nothing about her. So, I suggest, may be you could really sit down with her, make her entrust her feelings into you and let her share what she feels about this whole thing and what is the reason behind reluctance. There needs to be some substance to her reactions regarding intimacy, especially if the whole marriage is at stake.

    3. If you think you have stressed too much upon her responsibility to satisfy you, her responsibility to look good for you and do things which you like for your intimate life, I suggest you revisit your words. Could there be anything that might have put her off? Has it always been about your satisfaction and the way you would like it? Have you given her the space to be herself in loving you? I am sure all you want is a complete married life, but sometimes, unintentionally, we might say things in a way which could be misunderstood and turn out really disastrous for relationships. A woman gets easily suffocated by demands and no co-operation. I suggest you get it out of your wife's mouth directly. What is the problem and why is she not interested. And more importantly, how can you be supportive about it? This will give her strength and courage to trust you and admit the reason. Assure her, that you both can put in efforts to make it work, for the sake of your love for each other and for your daughter.

    If you feel that all these have already been worked out and there's no point in further reconciliation, then Allah knows best, brother. May you get the guidance to take the right step.

    I just want you to understand, life is too short. I am surprised by how people fight, divorce, lose their loved ones and make wrong choices. It is an extremely careless attitude to let things go in such a precious life (may it be a woman or a man), to let go of amazing gifts Allah bestows upon us. And to invalidate all the beautiful moments we once had with our loved ones. I cannot let go of even a smallest precious moment of my life, and if anyone hurts me which nullifies all that I had with that person, I feel extremely disappointed that someone could take away my cherished moment from me. I suggest, don't let that happen in your life. One should value all the good times one is gifted with and should work hard to let it remain that way for the rest of your life. I wish your wife understands this.

    If you want to take any decision regarding your married life, have some patience for a little more while, be clear about the whole issue, about the reasons, and then decide. Just imagine, if you divorce her now, the only reason you can think of is, "I divorced her because she could not satisfy me" . But may be you do not the other side, may be there is something more to this which you are not aware of, may be... Therefore, be extremely clear about the whole matter. Let there be nothing misunderstood or not understood at all.

    A Tahajjud prayer offered every night for 40 nights continuously, with the dua in your heart, relieves one from his misery. You may entrust it all in His hands while you work on your part.

    May Allah revive your marriage and make things unexpectedly wonderful for all three of you. 🙂

    Kindly forgive me if I mentioned anything that could hurt you or offend you in any way possible.

    All the Best.

  5. 2nd wife, go for it. If you know you have sincerely tried every possible way, lovingly and harsh, only then I would say its time you seriously contemplate polygamy. After all it's halaal for a reason. And a woman who doesn't bother with the basics of being a good wife - dressing up for her husband and then denying him in bed...well let's just say she has no grounds to complain about ur wish for another woman.

    Polygamy is halaal whereas suicide is haraam. Make the wise choice bro. With polygamy atleast you will see your daughter, even if ur wife cant deal with it and wants to walk still have a right to be in your child's life and should see her. What will you get from suicide? Lose your life, daughter and stand before Allah as a total failure.

    Be a strong man and deal with your problems inshallah, don't run away from them.

    Was salaam

  6. The only condition Allah gave in considering polygamy is 'IF YOU KNOW YOU CAN MAINTAIN JUSTICE BETWEEN THEM'.. There is no such condition as 'if your marriage with ur first wife fails or you tried ur best to work out thing with ur 1st wife lovely or harshly and it didnt work''.... You can have a 2nd wife for ur pleasure and at ur own pace even without having problems with ur 1st wife and if ur 1st wife is a good muslima, she will never have objection to this... USually these days many women dont like there husband having a second wife and they dont have any genuine reason for this.. A good muslima will never dislike her husband having 2nd wife since Allah has made it perfectly halal for him to marry two, three or four, but if he knows he can't maintain justice between them, then marry only one... As far as am concerned, i think i can maintain justice between the wives., so i will complete the sunnah by having four spouses not least for our pleasure in this world and in hereafter..

    • Brother Mohd, salaam,

      I know that. I was not trying to say that by having an unhappy life with first wife, he now has the permission for polygamy. However, from what this brother has written, it looks like something he is not even considering, as is the case with most Muslims. We would much rather resort to something haraam lime suicide or zina instead of polygamy because society has made polygamy seem like such a crime. So I was trying to show him that he has more than enough good reasons for wanting a second wife, incase he feels like it would be wrong of him to contemplate polygamy. You are correct of course in that islamically a man is not required to have any shortcomings from his first wife in order to justify a 2nd marriage..but islamically he is not obliged to marry again either. So if he is feeling like be shouldn't...if he does not want to because its not for him and he doesn't want it affecting his daughter d, then we need to make him realise the logical reasons WHY polymagy would be best for him. It being permissible is not a good enough reason or motivation.

      Also having four wives is not sunnah. It is permissible, that too with a condition attached to it. Lets not glorify it now

    • i agree with you brother, but regarding

      "A good muslima will never dislike her husband having 2nd wife since Allah has made it perfectly halal"

      i think you meant "A good muslima will never prevent her husband having 2nd wife since Allah has made it perfectly halal"

      ofcourse every woman is jealous of her husband brother.

      did you know that the habeebah of Allaah, the mother of believers 'Aaishah would cry herself to sleep every single night when the prpophet[saww] was with his other wives

      he [may Allaah be pleased with her] would cry night in and night out and be anxious, and sad.
      the only night she would sleep happily was when it was her two nights.

    • I must say that men who think like you give Islam and marriage a bad name.
      Please do more research on polygamy before making false statements such as your last one. Remember, women have just as much desire as men but there is a reason why women appear to have less.
      ALLAH has made it obligatory for the man to SATISFY his woman. If you have FOUR, I guarantee that at least three of them will be left unsatisfied. This is why ALLAH recommends one.
      Taking on additional wives can not be out of lustful desires now that we know that the women will be left unsatisfied. So taking on additional wives is halal but under other circumstances.
      If you want these other circumstances are then simply do research.
      Guard your private parts don't run to marry her because of your lustful desires. Women are not sex objects.

      The Blessed Marriage:

      Anas narrates that the Messenger of Allah (s.a.w.) said:

      "Whoever marries a woman for her glory, Allah will not increase his, but will bring him humiliation; whoever marries her for her wealth, Allah will not increase his, but place him in poverty; whoever marries her for ancestral claims, Allah will not increase his, but in meanness; whoever marries a woman for nothing but to cast down his eyes, guard his private parts, and join a relationship, Allah will bless him through her and vise versa."

      Sweetness of Casting down the Eye:

      Abu Imamah narrated that the Messenger of Allah (s.a.w.) said:

      "A Muslim is he who looks at the beauties of a woman and then casts down his eyes, Allah will give him the reward of worship whose sweetness he will find in his heart."

  7. My post was sent unfinished accidently - I also wanted to correct you in another thing you said:

    "A good muslima will never dislike her husband having 2nd wife since Allah has made it perfectly halal for him to marry two..."

    Then basically you are saying that 99% (if not all) of us are not good muslimahs? Brother, Allah made it permissible for men..but since when has Allah has made it a condition that we LIKE everything thats halaal in order to be a good Muslim? It is not even something compulsory and you are saying that. And even with halaal and haraam, Allah knows that our desires do not run parallel to that which we should and shouldn't do. We are not obliged to 'like' or 'dislike' anything in order to become a good Muslim. Following the orders is good enough. Inshallah with time, Al Wara wal Bara will come too. But even that relates to the halaal/haraam...not an action like polygamy which is simply permissible (mubah).

    It is in the fitrah of a woman that if she loves her husband she will dislike him having another wife. Do you know that even Ummul Mumineen were jealous of one another? Yet they were the best of Muslimahs. They were jealous and sometimes this jealousy even lead them towards physically expressing it to one another. That didn't make them 'bad' muslims..its natural. If a man cannot deal with that then he isnt fit for polygamy. If a man cant deal with it the way the prophet did then he shouldn't argue about following the prophet by having multiple wives!

    A man has the right to polygamy and a woman has the right to like or dislike it. Allah did not make it compulsory for us to like it...accepting it as something he made permissible is enough and He knows that. Only a man can come out with something so ridiculous so as to expect us to go as far as liking it.

    Was salaam

    • salaamalayka

      when the wives of the prophet[saww] acted upon their jealousy towards the prophet[saww], Allaah gave them a very heavy warning, and told them to repent for their plot in suurah tahreem.

      the story of jealousy is either about the prophet[saww] with his female servant mariyyah[ra], or the prophet[saww] with mother of believers zaynab bint jahsh [ra] story of honey.
      one story is authentic while the other is strong.

      thus giving a lesson to all muslim women till the day of judgement not to try to prevent their husband from marrying other muslimahs.

      also i dont know what this means "Also having four wives is not sunnah"because the prophet[saww] was married to mothers sawdah bint za'm, 'Aaishah bint siddeeq, hafsah bint faaruuq, and zaynab bint khuzaimah at a particular time. or umm salamah came before zaynab.

      • Brother Abu Zubayr,

        The term sunnah takes on different meanings when used by different Islamic disciplines. Over time, with the growth of Islamic Jurisprudence (Fiqh), not only was the meaning made more precise and polished, but..the usage of the term 'sunnah' has become something increasingly (not exclusively) used in the legal sense.

        Scholars of Islamic jurisprudence use the term sunnah in describing what is authentically established of Prophet Muhammad (saw) in deeds which were not subsequently made mandatory by Allah.

        They further hold that this includes any saying of Prophet Muhammad (saw) where he encourages Muslims to do a particular task and compliments those who imbibe such attributes. Hence to many scholars, the term sunnah denotes what is authentically established of the prophet (Saw) in deeds which he did voluntarily and which were not subsequently made mandatory by Allah. They further hold that this includes any saying of Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) where he encourages Muslims to do a particular task and compliments those who imbibe such attributes.

        In todays world, the above definition is definitely what most muslims understand of the word Sunnah. If you call something a 'sunnah'..most people will think that by doing such a thing, you are rewarded extra. Is that the case with polygamy? Is a man doing something BETTER by marrying more than one? No. Is a man doing something better by not eating a lizard for example because the prophet didnt like it? Is it SUNNAH to dislike lizard and to like pumpkin? Can this be called a sunnah? No. Well...they were the actions and preferences of the prophet but we should not go around calling them a 'sunnah.' Similarly, neither can his preference (and sometimes not even his preference but that of following Allah's orders) of having multiple wives be called a 'sunnah' in the 'deen.' On top of all this, he had atleast 9 wives, not four and the whole rules of polygamy were very different for him so technically a man can never copy the prophet in this act, even if he wanted to.

        We need to be careful when using such a term because in the current world and the wrong understanding people get with certain titles.

        Polygamy is halaal. That is it. It is not Sunnah, Mustahab or Waajib. But in some cases it is haraam (for those who cannot do justice). It is an act that is actually more discouraged than encouraged by the nature of the verse where Allah speaks of its permissibility, some scholars state this because of how Allah even placed conditions on its permissibilit. How many of the halaal actions has Allah placed restrictions upon? Something to ponder over.

        With regards to the jealousy, I wasn't referring to the honey incident or that of Marriya. You are right in that we shouldn't act upon it to such extremes (like the examples above), but a certain amount of jealousy and even a certain amount of expression of that jealousy HAS been excused by the Deen (once again, because it is but our nature to be jealous). Do you know of how Ummul mumineen Aisha once broke a vessel that belonged to the other wife of the prophet? Or how for example once Aisha spoke of Khadija by calling her an 'old woman' and other such titles (Even though he had never met Khadija)? At times like the prophet reported to have rebuked his wife for being a 'bad muslimah'? No, for verily he knew women and their nature - something a lot of men nowadays lack understanding of. He rightfully knew when to 'ignore' us and when to 'advice' us, lol.

        Ibn Muflih (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

        Al-Tabari and other scholars said: Jealousy on the part of women is to be overlooked and they are not to be punished for it because it is part of their nature. (Al-Adaab al-Shar'iyyah, 1/248 )
        Al-Haafiz Ibn Hajar (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, commenting on the hadeeth which describes what I related above, that of Aa'ishah breaking the vessel of one of her co-wives:

        They - i.e., all those who commented on this hadeeth - said: this indicates that the jealous women is not to be taken to task for what she does, because in that case her reasoning is overshadowed by the strong anger that was provoked by jealousy. Abu Ya'la narrated from Aa'ishah with an isnaad with which there is nothing wrong a marfoo' report which says: "A jealous woman cannot tell the bottom of the valley from its top." (Fath al-Baari, 9/325)

        Wa'Allaho alim.

  8. Sister faith, i always enjoy reading you comment and reason been you always like speaking what's in your heart... I know jealousy is something natural among women and even the wives of the prophet were jealouse of one another.. The issue we are discussing here is a woman wanting her husband to marry another wife, not the jealousy that will come later among the spouses. The wife of the prophet were very happy and feel ok when the prophet add's another spouse, the never dislike it and they always welcome the idea. Sister faith something you should know is polygamy is of more benefit to women than men. Polygamy is for the advantage of women. These days you find sisters in there 30s or 40s without marriage even for once in there life time.. And the honest excuse they give is that they have not found good muslim brother that would ask there hand in marriage.. This problem is every where in the world and this is because the population of females in almost all the countries of this world is far far greater than the population of males.. And among the men (like in the USA), great pacentage of them are sodomites you call the gays.. For this reasons you find great number of females {some in there 30s or 40s} not having good men partners..... . . . . To be honest sister, you know very well than i do that most of the women rejecting polygamy are those that are already married. Some of them even married early [at under 20] and so they dont know what it look's like for a woman {in 30s or 40s} still waiting without a husband... I assume you are married sister because i know you have a daughter, but if we should assume that you are among these categories of women who are patiently waiting for a patner, would you ever reject polygamy??? If a good pious and handsome married muslim brother come seeking for your hand in marriage whilst you are in such conditions, would you reject or dislike his proposal just because he already had a wife??? There are even ways of getting rid of these jelousy., a man can seperate the spouses by housing them in different areas or cities, and treat them justly by giving each of them equal time and wealth/properties. Each time you visit one of your spouse you treat her kindly and lovely and make her feel that she's the one you love most among your spouses, this should be roundly done to all the spouses. This way each of them will be fooled with '' oh he love me more the other spouses'' and there will be no question of jealousy, or at least jealousy would be reduced to minimum..

    • "The wife of the prophet were very happy and feel ok when the prophet add's another spouse, the never dislike it and they always welcome the idea."

      i'll say it again brother, the wives of the prophet[saww] hated that the prophet[saww] the idea of the prophet[saww] getting married everytime he did it.

      the mother of believers hafsah became so jealous when the prophet[saww] married mother saffiyyah, that when the prophet[saww] asked them about what they think of the beauty of safiyyah, she replied "she is nothing but a jewess"

      mother of believers 'aishah said she became very worried and anxious when the prophet[saww] announced his marraige to umm salamah, and told her about her virtues, then when 'aishah [ra] saw umm salamah [ra], she went to a another place to cry.

      again, mother of believrs 'aishah tells us that when juwairiyyah [burra bint haarith] was standing before the prophet[saww] to plead to him to free her from slavery, 'aishah [ra] became very worried that the prophet[saww] would see in juwayriyyah what she saw in juwairiyyah.

      same happed when the prophet[saww] got mariah.
      and many more stories.

      so brother, no mother welcomed it when the prophet[saww] married a new wife, but they submitted to it as it was a command from Allaah.

    • Walikum assalaam brother Mohd,

      Urm, thank you for the compliment..Alhamdulillah, i would be happy that my comments are of any benefit to the readers here..though I don't quite know what you mean when you say they come from the heart lol.

      "The wife of the prophet were very happy and feel ok when the prophet add's another spouse, the never dislike it and they always welcome the idea. "

      They were what? VERY happy? Lol. No brother..I think someone has given you wrong message here. They were certainly anything but happy (atleast in most cases, and specifically relating to Aisha as her love for the prophet is known of!). They were not happy. I cant speak for every one specifically but I know Aisha R.A for sure was extremely displeased and used to cry herself to sleep every night that the prophet would spend with his other wives. It is authentically reported that the only nights she woudl be content with was the two nights where the prophet was with her. There are also many other hadiths that go to show how Ummul Mumineen were certainly not "happy" by sharing the prophet but they accepted it because they had no choice.

      Brother, I know polygamy is more of a favour for the woman than the man. Of course, why would most men think they can handle four of us when they cant even handle one in most cases, I dont understand that. lol. Yes, whatever Allah has made lawful must have its benefits and so polygamy does too.

      " I assume you are married sister because i know you have a daughter, but if we should assume that you are among these categories of women who are patiently waiting for a patner, would you ever reject polygamy??? If a good pious and handsome married muslim brother come seeking for your hand in marriage whilst you are in such conditions, would you reject or dislike his proposal just because he already had a wife??? There are even ways of getting rid of these jelousy.,

      I'm not married; I'm divorced. So your questions would apply to me. Would I ever reject polygamy? Maybe, yes. That is me though, I'm not talking for every woman but I know myself and I can assume as to how well I can cope with being involed in polygamy. I'm a very jealous woman so I don't think I can hack it. Hence, I will not happily become part of a polygamy ...and it would take a lot from a brother (and I mean A LOT) for me to consider becoming a second wife to him. Basically, he would have to be next to the prophet in character and deen. And how many Abu bakr, umar, uthman or Ali's do we see walking around in today's world?
      Bear in mind the fact though that I wouldn't reject his proposal because I believe polygamy is wrong or he is wrong to approach me. But because I doubt a happy future with my husband having other wives. If the pious, practising and handsome brother can convince me that he can keep me happy despite my nature, then great. If not ...then ...I doubt it will happen - thats despite being not in the "best" position to be picky (as a divorcee single mum)..if you get what I mean.

      Was salaam.

      • I'm not married; I'm divorced. So your questions would apply to me. Would I ever reject polygamy? Maybe, yes. That is me though, I'm not talking for every woman but I know myself and I can assume as to how well I can cope with being involed in polygamy. I'm a very jealous woman so I don't think I can hack it. Hence, I will not happily become part of a polygamy ...and it would take a lot from a brother (and I mean A LOT) for me to consider becoming a second wife to him

        Don't you think that is hypocrisy ?

        Basically, he would have to be next to the prophet in character and deen. And how many Abu bakr, umar, uthman or Ali's do we see walking around in today's world?

        Seriously , Are you next to Hazart khadija or Ayesha or any noble women of prophet's time in character and deen ?

        Bear in mind the fact though that I wouldn't reject his proposal because I believe polygamy is wrong or he is wrong to approach me. But because I doubt a happy future with my husband having other wives. If the pious, practising and handsome brother can convince me that he can keep me happy despite my nature, then great. If not ...then ...I doubt it will happen - thats despite being not in the "best" position to be picky (as a divorcee single mum)..if you get what I mean.

        Such an arrogant behaviour .

        Please get off of your high horse .

        • Brother. Any woman has a right to choose for herself what kind of marital situation she wants to be in. It does not make her arrogant. You may not agree with her choices, but you don't have to.


        • How in the world is it hypocrisy? Seriously some men are never satisfied; not only do they expect us to accept polygamy, but to then like it and then happily put yourself in that situation when I have been given a choice by Allah to be in that situation. Polygamy doesn't suit me as a woman but at least I'm strong enough to go against my nafs and accept the law of God. Its time some men also stop grabbing the whole arm when they've been offered only the finger, by expecting us to even give up our personal preference which is OUR RIGHTS. A woman has the right to choose as does the man and if he really wants polygamy, then let him find a woman who will or can accept it instead of bad mouthing the sisters who do not want to be involved in it.

          If I was an ungrateful wife who denied my husband his rights and behaved the way the original posters wife behaves with him, then by Allah he has a right to go marry over me and I would deserve whatever heartache I get as a result. I'm nowhere near Aisha r.a inwho I am but yes I am like them in giving rights- I would treat my husband the way they treated theirs and I would certainly give him every right that Allah has given him. How many men however can handle the rights and responsibilities of polygamy? That's a much tougher job than treating your one husband correctly.

  9. having more than 1 wife is made legal in Islam but for certain it is something highly-highly not encouraged, just like divorce is made permissible but highly-highly not encouraged. Only in extrem circumstances is allowable, such as this brother who is not happy that he is willing to take his life . I am with sister Faith on this one.

  10. Brother momin, looking back at your post and rying to imagine the personality of your wife, i dont think she will stay with you if you marry a second wife, and she will most likely be given full custody of your daughter and she seems to be the type of women who use their children as a weapon against their husbands.

    so go and ask a muslim who has knowledge and specilised in this area and ask him what you can do to fullfill your desire.
    ask him if you can marry another woman and keep a secret from your wife [if you can give them equal time].

    if you can write in 'arabic and have the arabic alphabets on your keyboard.
    i can find for you a website where you can write a private question to one of the scholars of madeenah.

    i hope Allaah makes your affairs easy for you and your daughter.

    • It is not a good option for him to have a secrete marriage with his new wife, sooner or letter they cant keep on that way..... You know yourself that the best option he should consider is polygamy.. Then if the first wife cant stay just because he married a new spouse then that's her problem, let her leave, she would rue what she has done and would cry over it... But if she choose to stay, marrying a second wife would shape her character.. She will always do as he want because she would want her self to be loved more by her husband.... If i were him, without any hesitation am going for polygamy... He has full right to enjoy the precious life given to him by Allah. and if his wife is not willing to co-operate, do you expect him to disobey Allah by satisfying his sexual needs through zina '''just because she wont accept him marrying another wife''' or should he do away with her opinion of him not having a 2nd wife, and follow what Allah has ordained by marrying a 2nd spouse and satisfying his needs legally???

  11. Sister Faith


    I must say, I am so pleased to read your responses, and MashaAllah with immense knowledge, you are able to make the readers understand the right directions of what Allah would truly have preferred. I pray that you get bounty in your knowledge and May Allah swt help me too, to deal with such interpretations of Holy Verses by certain men. (no offence to any one reading this).

    In my life, I have come across certain men, who boast about having the right to four wives, who boast about being entitled to 70 Hoors in Jannah, who boast about choosing their favorite Hoors on the Day of the Judgement, who boast about how a wife should listen to a man since he has the highest authority over her, etc.. And by boasting, I literally mean boasting. And little do they stress upon the conditions to these permissions and rights they are granted with. Little do they know the punishments if the conditions are not sufficed. and indeed, the conditions are extremely tough to fulfill, hence the conditions for such rights.

    Listening to the way they brag about it, I think deep in my heart, how blessed they are to have so much to look forward to, and how ignorant could they be of how blessed a woman is. A woman who they might treat insensitively, and take her emotions and feelings for granted while they have confirmed in their minds about getting hoors and marrying four times and many such other rewards and rights that are available for them.

    And I think of our prophets, they would have had to be so courageous, to marry more than once, I am sure it wouldn't have been easy for them. Moosa Alayhi salam would have been so courageous to go against someone who raised him, Nooh Alayhi salam - to leave his son in the middle of the storm, Ibraheem Alayhi Salam to agree to sacrifice his own son and many other countless courageous deeds of our prophets. They did it because they were commanded to do so by Allah. And nothing can be above the word of Allah. They were blessed with the ability to bear the pain in the name of Allah.

    But today, some men think, they have a plate of sweets awaiting them and such permissible yet discouraged halaal rights add icing to their lives and hence they must take full advantage of it. Why not? when you are blessed. But Hello! Read before and after it has been made permissible!! Are you even capable of fulfilling the terms and conditions?

    Do these 'certain men' I talk about, even possess the ability to be so courageous. I know of men who even treat kaafir women like s**t (excuse my language) because they think that these women will not go to heaven anyway so it is alright to mistreat them or it is alright if anything worse happens with them, or it is even alright if such women are raped - only coz these women are non-believers. And these men claim to hoors in Jannah.

    1. If you want to have 4 wives - there are conditions
    2. If 70 hoors are granted - you need to deserve jannah for that
    3. If you divorce your wife - you cannot remarry her until she marries someone else and is then divorced from him. Is it easy for a man to accept a wife who was his, but married some other man and then came back to him?
    and there would be many such rights which i may not be sure of.

    Islam has been made so easy by Allah considering the nature of a man and woman both. And there are warnings from time to time in the Holy Book regarding what we decide to do.
    Can we ever understand the sensitivity of these warnings? If its Allah who's warning the creature, who He made, about something which is not good for the creature... is that to be taken lightly?

    I feel we must be bold, try our best to be courageous to adapt the path of righteousness and face every situation with faith in Allah. Holding on to the tenets and pillars of Islam and fulfilling our obligations is our foremost priority rather than choosing shortcuts just because it's been made available to us. Alhumdulillah, our situations are not even as extreme as they used to be during the prophets's times. Then why are we cribbing so much over life.

    Sister Faith, you really need to advice me on how to reply graciously to such people who take their rights for granted without focusing on their deeds. And this should include everyone of us. Sometimes we all act like naive child who knows that he will be forgiven and hence takes his mother's words and warnings for granted.

    • Brother/sister Ruhool,
      Jazakallah khair. You need to reply just the way you have... by reminding them that with the right also comes great responsibility and if they aren't fit to fulfill those, they need to focus on that first. 🙂

  12. The husband shouldn.t marry to second wife in order to make the first wife suffer or to purely take revenge. Allah (swt) is aware and so let Allah (swt) be the judge of how much one deserves punishment.

    If the wife has her own issues for not fulfilling her task as wife then it doesn't mean the husband to become mean by playing around with her mind, emotionally blackmailing, or taking advantage of her situation.

    No one knows what is the wife's problem in here but whatever it be, it doesn't mean the husband to make her suffer\torture her minute by minute for what she is done or doing to her husband. And plus having more than wife is simply HEADACHE for the man and they would always feel gulity for not being able to treat the wives equally- more sin and what are the chances in todays 9 to 6 jobs and short weekends the husband is able to spend quality time to more than one wife of his?!

    Plus is the husband financially capable of looking after more than one wife?! Women are demanding. No matter how amazing the husband does his second wife's wedding, the second wife would feel the husband did not do equal spending on her wedding and so much other issues will arise. Is the husband capable of or is patient enough to hear more than one wife's nagging, moaning, complaining, screaming, shouting and I don't know what else that may come along with having more than one wife????

    And future ahead the more than one wives, the kids of different mother but same father may feel left out and unloved. Would the father be able to fulfill his kids wishes- take them to mcdonalds, fun fair rides, arcades. On eid days, with whom the father/husband going to spend time with. Of course most likely than not the wives would prfer eid ul fitr to be spent with them coz it is a eid after long month of fasting and amongst muslims this eid is celebrated more than the coming eid.

    Respected brothers, please think thoroughly before considering more than one wife. Never make a hasty and shotterm joy decisions. Before making any decisio, think of the consequeces and longterm affect. Polgamy is permissible but it doesnt mean one size fits all.

    May Allah (swt) guide us to straight path and He help us to make just decision in this life.

    Ps. Brother Ruhool's reply is really wise and intelligent- pls do read it.

  13. As expected , the comments started from the encouragement of polygamy and ended in bashing of males .

    • If you think this is male bashing then take my advise and never in your life consider polygamy. You dunno what you would be heading for when its multiple wives commenting on their husband/men, not women in general like here. Lol

      • If you think this is male bashing then take my advise and never in your life consider polygamy. You dunno what you would be heading for when its multiple wives commenting on their husband/men, not women in general like here. Lol

        That won't be necessary . Fortunately , Allah didn't put overwhelming desire for women in me .

  14. By the way, I am a sister to you all!! Everyone seemed a little confused with my name 😛 .

    Back to the post:

    Again, brother Momin, wish you all the best in considering your options.
    Just remember, if you think by having second wife your physical needs will be fulfilled, then you are wrong.
    Sex is such a thing u never know if u will be satisfied until u have it. And no one can guarantee if your second wife will fulfill your desires the way you want. Besides, sex is not the only thing which comes along bundled with marriage. A marriage is beyond physical desires.

    Moreover, a known devil is better than an unknown one. This is just a saying, and doesnt imply anything or indicates anyone. 😛 It just means that a known problem is easier to handle than an unexpected one.

    You might as well try working out things at home! It's your problem and you know the appropriate solution to it!!

    We, women are not against polygamy, we are just sure that men in today's era cannot do justice to this right granted to them. And women have always been unfathomable to generations and generations of men. only Allah knows best what is truly in their hearts. Hence He specifically mentioned, "only if you can do justice between them" . Coz Allah knows how possessive and insecure women can get regarding their husband. And trust me, the punishment for not being just to every wife equally is even more grave.

    The best way to solve a problem is - to not consider it as a problem in the first place. Go with the flow, try working things out, find out ways which are still left to try. And in the process, do remember, it's not about you alone. It's about your wife too. Every woman craves for solace in her husband's arms. If your wife is distancing herself, there needs to be a substantial reason behind it, we hope.

    I totally understand it is easier said than done. But I also believe that if we have faith in Allah SWT, nothing is going to stop us from doing what is right. If all the positivity I am assuming is still not valid, then brother... just grab onto Allah and ask Him to show you the right direction. May you be guided to the right decision. In the end everything always turns out to be well!! Ameen.


    Take Care.

    InshaAllah things will turn out to be SORTED!

    P.S: Thanks Parveen for acknowledging my post.

    P.S 2: Earlier I read a post somewhere which had the same situation only in that the victim was a woman. She was left unsatisfied by her husband all the time. And the comments to that were asking her to talk to her husband in a nice way, express yourself lovingly without offending him, tell him how amazing he is, yet tell him that you are unhappy with certain things, etc... And in this post, the comment started with "go ahead with 2nd wife" lol. I never read a single comment which would have advised the man to consider his wife's side.
    Just because a woman doesn't have an option for polygamy doesn't mean that she should be treated differently. The fact that she has remained married to this man for years itself is the proof for her interest in family and her husband. Physical desires are just an essential part of the marriage and is entirely a different issue.

    Polygamy or no Polygamy, a marriage is as sacred to a woman as it should be to a man. And mind it, IT IS A BIG DEAL!! It is not something u get in shops to change it, exchange it, get a new one or discard it for reasons not worth at all.

    Rest left to the reader's discretion!! No offence to anyone here 🙂 Just the way I would like to deal with it...

  15. I dont understand why the brothers encourage Brother Momin to take on a second wife?

    Seriously?? Allah (swt) has allowed a man to have upto four wives... to protect vulnerable poor women in society!

    Muslim men make a mockery out of the four wives principle and use it to expolit women rather than protect. The Prophet (pbuh) married widows that he was not necessarily attracted to...or even alot older than himself.

    If its not working I would suggest that the kinder solution would be simply to divorce your wife....instead of given her mental torture (granted its disliked by Allah (swt) but it is still halal and not a sin)...simply let her go without physical and mental harm. A second wife is not a crack filler for the 1st marriage! Or a weapon of mass destruction to knock some sense into the 1st wife!

    Brothers are deluded on here, majority of single independent muslim women are not sitting at home wishing a handsome muslim brother would come make them their second wife lol

    Brother Momin if you decide to divorce your wife, take some time out for yourself to recover from the breakdown of your marriage and put your efforts into gaining access to your daughter. Once your fully recovered then think about marrying again. I dont understand why you stuck it out so long. May Allah (swt) make it easy for you.

    To the Editors: Surely on the day of judgement brother Momin would not be sinful for divorcing his wife if his physical needs are not met?

    • Sister, why do you prefer divorce over polygamy?
      Is there any other reason other than the natural emotional feminine ones (that of disliking polygamy)?

      "....instead of given her mental torture (granted its disliked by Allah (swt) but it is still halal and not a sin)."
      What are you referring to here, polygamy or divorce?

      • WS Sister I am referring to bringing a second wife to try and shape the first wife's character...that is cruel to the the 1st wife. Some of the brothers suggested this earlier in the thread.

        In those circumstances i think divorce is better over polygamy. Why not accept it is not working, move on and leave the first wife with some dignity intact.

        • His first wife has not demanded a divorce of him, and he didn't want to too because of his child. So why must they divorce at this point?

          What has dignity got to do with it?
          You think a divorced woman is more 'dignified' than a wife involved in a polygamous marriage? That is clearly not the case. Islamically, divorce seen as an unfortunate situation to be in, not polygamy.

          And I still don't get it. Sorry if its me here with a blank urm, what is disliked by Allah but is halaal and not a sin?? Second wife? Coz..that would make some sense but, your arguments were completely against advicing him to marry again. So, I dont understand, coz such a statement is encouraging polygamy not discouraging. :-S

          • Well obviously Mo'min is unsatisfied in his marriage because of his wife. She doesn't dress nice for him and she doesn't want to have sexual relations as often as he would like.
            I agree with 'Good Intentions' comment when she sates that Piety comes with doing the best thing, not just the lawful thing. Divorce is disliked, not haram. I am not encouraging him to get a divorce but I do discourage him from getting a second wife mainly because one should not marry additional women just because they want to have more sex (and that's obviously what he wants from his own words).
            He doesn't know if he will be pleased with the sex until after he marries the second wife. What if her desires are also non-existent? What will he do then? How does getting a second wife solve his sexual relations with the first? It doesn't. Period. He needs to FIX this problem with his first wife.
            All I am saying is that if there is no happiness coming from his marriage then he should leave it. Allah would not want any of his servants to suffer when it is unnecessary.

  16. Dear Sister

    If you read my initial comment again your questions will be answered.

    Divorce is disliked...however its halaal and its there for a reason. This is my humble opinion, solutions will vary depending on the individuals involved. Piety comes from doing the best thing not just the lawful thing, ( Allah knows best). We are not here to force feed solutions to the brother, rather give him food for thought and the tools so that he can contemplate and make an informed decision inshallah. I dont know this couple personally.

    I know of some sisters who would prefer their husband to leave them before they bring a second wife as it would be humiliating...other sisters do not mind their husband taking another wife. One size does not fit all So its up to the brother to have a sincere, open discussion with his wife and if there is nothing left to salvage they need to come to a decision together..... NOT spring a 2nd wife on her which will more than likely breed resentment.... if she is not suited to polygamy and files for divorce she will play hard ball when it comes to visitation rights to their daughter.

    It appears that the brother is scared of losing his daughter not his wife, if he handles the situation carefully the wife may be more flexible when it comes to their daughter if they do decide to part ways.

  17. One thing, why would anyone even come on here and suggest that he get a second wife? How does having sex with another women please his desires of wanting to have sex with his wife? Is there no love in his relationship.
    To those men who suggest him to get a second wife, I am starting to think that your love for your spouses mean nothing if you can even suggest having sex with another woman.

  18. Why are majority or the people suggesting second wife? Maybe you are the you make her feel comfortable? So you make her feel special? Maybe you should take her out...e.g cinemas, dinner etc get to the route of the problem which is to make her fall deaply in love with her how loving and caring you are...try to understand her...if she doesn't wear make up etc why don't you get her lovely clothes and ask her to wear it for you when you tale her out...always compliment how beautful she looks...this will make her realise how happy it makes you...sometimes by telling someone to do something doesn't help...but by helping them it can make a big different...however if you have tried all this and she doesn't change then maybe you should get married again and divorce it nots fair on you..and believe me no human out there can ever separate you from your daughter

  19. I want to laugh at all the answers that have suggested a second wife, due to their male authors lol. Of course men would suggest that. Especially those with a middle eastern background. However, under the assumption Momin's wife may be middle eastern, if not I appologize, she may have had female circumsicion done as a child. What some people don't realise is it takes the ability for the wife to enjoy sex away. They become objects of pleasure rather than experience it. Of course this depends on the severity of the circumsicion. This is because some muslims believe that female circumsicion is an islamic thing to do when it is not. I commend Ruhool for her educated answer. Perhaps Momin, you have unintentionally alienated your wife with your methods of calling her, and now she falsely seems as an undutiful wife.

    Men: Stop thinking women can turn sex
    On and Off like a machine. Women are emotional beings. It helps us nurse and mother our children. It would be cruel to treat sex like a duty only, stripping it of its emotional and spiritual experience, only to quench an animalisitic urge.

    Prophet Muhammed told the men to play with their wives and be kind to them. In other words, flirt, kiss and caress them. Touch them when you dont have sex as well. I believe women were created with these 'extra' needs to help men to grow and mature emotionally.

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