I have met a nice brother, but concerned about how family will react. Should I marry him or not?
AsSalamAlykum everyone.
Please could you advise me with my matter as I am in need of your advice.
Basically, I was in conversation with a brother regarding marriage on a Muslim marriage site. Our online conversation was short and good. We met in a public arena once. We both liked each other, but at the end I terminated the whole of this, based on the following reasons:
1. He has a past. When initially he mentioned that to me, it did made me really upset, but after thinking about it I said to myself that why am I making myself concerned about his past (i.e. I am willing to compromise with this part). His present and future aims is what I need to be concerned about. His present is practising Muslim and future aims are also (Alhamdulillah) practising too. However, if my family finds out he has a past, then they may not accept him for me or my choice being him. And it won't be fair if my family gives him (a slave of Allah) a hard time when he has already repented to Allah (swt) for his wrong-doings.
2. He lives about three hours away from where I live. My mother likes to keep all her children close to her (my mother is a bit possessive). And the brother is unable to move straight away to my area after marriage, due to his business and studies. Though, he said, after he completes his studies (in three years time), he will move to my city and live close to my family because he knows married couples will need family support in their marriage. His family is not in this country but he is in regular phone conversation with them.
3. Also, I do not want my family to know that I found this brother (who is same country and same language as me) on a marriage site as they will never understand this system of marriage proposals. Though the brother did say to me that he will come and ask for my hand (the traditional way) without mentioning the internet marriage site. Plus, he said that his family won't also appreciate the internet way.
4. My mother always says to me that if I have someone in mind then she would be okay with my decision. But the thing is that ever since I have been wearing hijab, my family members say and think that I am wearing hijab for a guy. This is not true! This guy came after me practising hijab!
5. Furthermore, I have two sisters before me and also two brothers before me (one engaged and the rest single). So, being one of the younger one, makes me feel awkward and shameful, to tell my family that I found someone for myself for marriage.
6. Sometimes I feel I lack confidence or maybe I am too shy to speak up!
I haven't been in conversation with brother since 15/05/2012 but I still like this brother! Despite he being three years younger than me, I found him mature, intelligent, committed, sociable, charitable, hard-working, practising-Muslim, honest, more Islamically aware than I am, family oriented and throughout this whole process he never disrespected me. Therefore, whenever, I remember all these good qualities of him I feel the need to get back to him and make this work.
The only reason I felt the need to take my own marriage matters in my own hands is because I do not like or liked any of (via family) my marriage proposals. I want a practising, caring Muslim brother! I want to raise a practising Muslim family with good morals. And most guys from my country are not-practising. Recently, I just received a marriage proposal from a non-practising family/guy, where the guy is okay with my hijab, but he/they do not understand that with my hijab many other Islamic beliefs will come. And if my future husband have no good interest in Islam and just accepting hijab in order to marry me then I will never be happy nor would he be happy because we will always have conflicting issues.
My family members are very good people (boyfriend/girlfriend is not practised, alcohol is not allowed, takes education seriously and fasts during the month of Ramadan) but they don't like hijab but still reluctantly they are ok with it. And whenever topic of hijab arises, they just belittle it. In our parties there is music, mixed gathering and dances.
To which I stopped taking part and I feel happy and peaceful about. I have become much quieter person. My family think I am depressed but I am not. It is just I have less things in common with them. I really do need my own environment. Sometimes, I do find it extremely hard to practise Islam and it upsets me a lot!
The istkhara I did was a positive outcome. But I didn't want to go ahead because I didn't want hijab to be a bad example. As some people says that it is always the hijabis or the long beard Muslims who have given bad name to Islam.
Also, just for the sake of marrying the right person, I do not want to end up abandoning my family as in Islam holding ties of our kinship is vital and is an act of worship (following Allah's command). I really, don't want my family to give this brother any hard time due to his past errors. I want to move on with my next step of my life but all these thoughts are holding me back.
I am 28 and I know what I want from life but I don't know how to get what I want without creating any fuss! With that brother, I found it easier to communicate and I felt that if I were to marry him, I would find it easier to share all my thoughts with him and become a better Muslimah. Sometimes, when I feel I am failing, then I REALLY want to do something about it, now in this case sometimes, I really want to get back to him but at the same time I don't want people to think that I with my hijab had boyfriend and therefore I married my boyfriend. Alhamdulillah I never had any relationship before marriage, so why would I want to give anyone the impression that because of a non-existent "boyfriend" I am wearing hijab and got married?
I also feel my excuses for not getting back to him is not Islamic, because it relates to what would family/people would think! Islam has given both the female and the male to marry whom they wishes to marry (within Islamic parameter) yet worldly matters slows or puts the good cause to stop, right?
Please could you advise me as to whether I should get back to the brother without causing a mess of myself and himself. And, if I do, how shall we disclose this matter to my family?
Muslim-hijab
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Dear Sister, Walaykumsalaam Warahmatullaah,
You havent done anything wrong, you have nothing to feel ashamed about and nor guilty about. The issues you are facing are cultural ones and insha'Allah you can overcome them. I will try to answer your questions in order insha'Allah:
1. You are right. It would not be right to judge this man on his past, as we are all human and make mistakes. If he has repented, then who are we to judge? Allah is The One who Forgives. And why are you worrying about your parents finding out about this man's past? If you do not reveal it to them, how will they come to know?
2. He lives three hours away and this will be too far for your mother? SubhaanAllah - and I thought my mother was possessive! But I completely understand. Three hours is not far, especially when you are only a drive away. If your mother is convinced about the character of this man, you can reassure her that you will both visit every week and move closer as soon as he finds a job locally. If she still is not happy with this, you need to put your foot down about it. Once you are married and happy and visiting her regularly, she'll become used to it. And remember, she has other children living with her too to keep her company.
3. I understand, many parents do not understand the internet and become defensive upon its mention. You can tell your parents that you were referred to this man through an Imam or a marriage bureau.
4. I am guessing your parents are Pakistani? I have come across many parents from Pakistan who do not like their daughters to observe hijaab. I find this extremely odd. But again sister, this is one of those times where you need to stand your ground and not give any thought to what your parents are thinking. Their minds are most probably set and it will take only time and wisdom for them to realise that you are wearing hijaab for the sake of Allah, and not for a man.
5. You have nothing to feel ashamed about if you want to marry. I understand that you feel awkward speaking to your parents though, especially since in some communities children are expected to marry in order of age. However, things won't change till we plant the seeds of change - will they? So try, what do you have to lose? You can also try to gain some support from other family members, including your own siblings - you can then collectively try to convince your parents why you marrying now is a good thing, afterall you are 28 and is it very unfair for you to have wait around any longer without valid reason.
6. You feel shy! Yes - I understand this one too. Speak to family members to help you communicate with your parents, perhaps an uncle or an aunt, or one of your siblings?
***
Having said all this, I will encourage you to make enquiries about the prospective man, as speaking over the internet is not enough. Ask this man which Masjid he prays in and then make enquiries through the Imam there with regards to his character. Try to speak to people who know him directly. Speak to your local Imam and ask him to speak to your parents if need be aswell. If this goes further, do not settle anything without your parents speaking to his parents and family too. Basically - make as many enquiries as you need to, Allah has given you tools of wisdom, so do not forget to use them in this instance because you may be inclined to believe everything he has told you over the internet. I know you are nervous, but this can be progressed with a little faith, persistence and courage. Pray Istikhara, get the ball rolling and if this is meant to be, it will happen insha'Allah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Inshallah