Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My 21 year old brother is tearing apart my family

I'm scared of what my brother is turning into

Salaam alaikum brothers and sisters,

I'm a 19 year old muslim sister living in the US. For two or three years now, my older brother has been rebelling, increasingly so, and drifting from Islam and its teachings. I understand that we are surrounded by media and culture that promotes such things to happen, but I feel that he has crossed all limits and is now a burden to the family.

Don't get me wrong, we have the most loving, caring, understanding parents anyone could ever dream of. They have done everything to ensure our health and happiness. And now, because of my brother, they are in extreme stress and depression and I feel completely helpless.

I recently found out from a mutual close friend, that my brother, about a year ago, had started smoking, drinking excessively, and had sexual relations with women. Ever since I found out, I've been extremely depressed. The first three days, I simply cried and cried, literally day and night. I don't know if I should feel guilty about wanting him out of the house, away from my family. He is extremely rude to my parents. Nothing hurts me more than seeing them get hurt like this.

I just need to know what I should do for my family from an Islamic point of view, because to me, religion and family matter most. And right now, everything seems unimportant because the situation at home is so tense. I used to love my brother, look up to him. But now, it makes me sick knowing I'm even related to him.

Am I wrong for feeling this way? What if (God forbid) he comes home one day and says he has had an illegitimate child? What if he starts using violence? My father has a heart condition and this is not good for him at all.

How does he not realize what impact he is having on us?

I just don't know what to do 🙁 I've never been so down my whole life. Any advice will be appreciated.

Thank you,

May Allah bless you all.

- muslimgirl19

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6 Responses »

  1. It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that a man said: O Messenger of Allaah, I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind towards them, but they insult me. He said: “If you are as you say, then it is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. Allaah will continue to support you as long as you continue to do that.”

    “The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allaah orders the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly) then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend.

    35. But none is granted it (the above quality) except those who are patient — and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion (of happiness in the Hereafter, i.e., Paradise and of a high moral character) in this world.

    36. And if an evil whisper from Shaytaan (Satan) tries to turn you away (O Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم) (from doing good), then seek refuge in Allaah. Verily, He is the All‑Hearer, the All‑Knower”

    As for what has befallen you of depression and a lack of self confidence, this is the result of what you have suffered of anxiety and distress, but you should not give in to it. You should realize that this depression will cause you mental and physical illnesses if you continue to give in to it. You have to start treating yourself and face reality, and realize that people are of different natures and you will find both good and bad with them, and that there are others who are suffering far worse than you are suffering. You have no option but to follow the prescribed means of seeking tranquillity so that you can start to enjoy a life of peace and contentment with no worry or distress.

    We can sum up what we want you to do as follows:


    Accept the decree of Allaah, may He be exalted, and try to advise your father, his wife and your brother in the way that is best.


    Always remember Allaah, which includes reciting the du’aa’s which are aimed at dealing with such matters.


    Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Those who believed (in the Oneness of Allaah — Islamic Monotheism), and whose hearts find rest in the remembrance of Allaah verily, in the remembrance of Allaah do hearts find rest”

    We ask Allaah to relieve you of worries and distress, and to guide your family to the best of words, deeds and attitudes. We ask Him, may He be exalted, to increase your reward and to help you to remember Him, thank Him and worship Him properly.

    Allah Knows Best

    • Ali M., thank you for this good response. And "muslimgirl19", your brother is his own person and he has the free will to make his own mistakes. The only thing you can do is advise him and correct him, but if he doesn't listen then there is no need to drive yourself to depression over it. Also there is no need to dwell on "what ifs", like "what if he becomes violent?" Why stress yourself over things that exist only in your imagination?

      Everything your brother is doing is hurting only himself. Instead of hating him, try to show him kindness and love, and give him time to work out his issues Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

  2. dear sis,

    hope you are feeling a bit better now. I am going through a pretty much similar problem like yours. i can only tell you what has helped me. i try my best to be punctual with namaz. reading quran has helped a lot, its such a revealing book , it will give you advice on what ever your problem is. just before reading it ask Allah to show you the right the path , to give you wisdom and knowledge to deal with this sitaution. and sometimes all you can do is be patient and pray. my peace of advice is that do not react to your brothers bad behaviour as he is not in a state to comprehend your advice.

    May Allah help you.

  3. pray for your brother. cry and pray at night for him. do this sincerely. if you and your brother had a close relationship, sit him down and talk to him about what's going on. don't criticize or lecture, just try to listen to him. maybe he's going through some phase, maybe wrong freinds, maybe he had some stress or depression that caused him to change so dramatically. was he a different guy before? try a muslim counselor, go online and search.

  4. It's a shame wat Muslims peoples r doin these days. Am 21 and lived in the US pretty much all my life. If ur deen is strong and ur afraid of Allah and the Last judgement day, u wouldn't b doin all this. Surroundings don't change a person tat much, tat u forget ur deen completely. Ask him this question, would u like it if I go and start drinking, smoking, hanging out with guys, and even ( god forgives) sleep with them? See wat he says. If he say do wat u wanna do, let him b, for Allah knows how to control a person, and put him back on a right track the hard way. Hopefully it doesn't get tat far. Best of wishes to u.

  5. the simplest and may b an easiest way of all such difficulties is ......go back to ur beloved country with ur whole family and as u said u r a muslim so should better know which country im talking about.......

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