My husband is addicted to Cocaine
Salaam Alkum
I am a revert Muslim before I even decided to get married. Anyway I have now been married for 9 years and have three young children. For the last seven years my husband has been addicted to cocaine. I have had to put up with him going out and staying out all night which happens at least twice to three times a week. But its the verbal and physical abuse I have been taking along with it. On the nights he goes out he comes back out of his head and sleeps all day leaving me to deal with everything. He never really helps out with the kids and as they are young I have a hard day.
I have done so much for this man that words couldn't describe. Sometimes the way he treats me gets so bad I have to involve his family. I rely on this man financially to support my kids as I am presently not working due to having 3 young children and childcare is too expensive.
Many times I have filled in my divorce application but never had the heart to send it. I'm not sure why. Sometimes I think im so stupid to be putting up with his nasty behaviour towards me. Usually after the event of him going out and getting in a bad mood and taking it out on me usually in front of my children which I know isn't right. It's the usual story of him being sorry and it's not going to happen again.
I've researched rehab clinics and all sorts. But he thinks he can't just stop on his own. He is a man who is very convincing with his speech and even his own mother falls for his talk of 'I'm going to change'.
Now I've got to a point where really I don't see a future for us. I've only stayed in this marriage for the sake of my children as I didn't want them to grow up in a broken home, but neither do I want them to grow up seeing what they do, it breaks my heart and I know that I am responsible in the upbring of my children and to teach them right from wrong.
I've asked him to move out of the family home and back with his mum. His family has also spoken to him on many occasions to do the same but he refuses. I don't have anywhere else I can go with my children as my family live to far. When I mention about maybe its time to just get a divorce because you aren't willing to change your ways. He just tells me I'm not taking his kids anywhere and if I try to get my divorce he will take the kids away.
Most days I cry. I feel so alone and so upset. When he's normal he is a nice person. Now I really don't know what to do. If he got off this addiction I know things would work out inshallah, but I have to stay because of financial reasons until I am able to support the kids. To everyone else its made out like we are a happy family but its far from the truth. I really don't know what to do anymore.
~ Amina55555
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Salaams,
Sister, your husband's addiction is not going to go away on its own. The abuse that he is putting you through is not going to end on its own. Simply put, if your husband was actually going to change as he keeps claiming, he would have done it by now. He would have checked himself into rehab and at least tried to make an effort to sober up and be a caring husband.
I don't see that you have any future with him. It sounds like this has been a longstanding pattern that is not changing or getting better. Divorce in this case would be an improvement for you and the children. He can threaten that he is going to take them away all he likes, but in truth most courts are not going to allow more than standard visitation to someone with a history of drug use and physical abuse. In fact, more often than not any visitation he is allowed will likely be required to be supervised.
You are confused because of how he acts when he's sober and nice. If this were how he was all the time, then life would be great! However this is NOT who he is all the time. Let me ask you this: if you got a pet dog (islamic issues about that aside) for your family, and that dog bit the children even once, would you keep the dog? No, you would send it to the pound or have it put down. You wouldn't keep a pet that has the risk of endangering your children. The same case can be stated for someone who is behaving as your husband: you don't keep someone like that around, because one act of violence (caused by drugs or not) is already one too many.
Even though your family is far away, you should try to make attempts to go to them. The farther you are from him the better your chances of making the needed changes last for the longterm. If it truly is impossible to get to them, go to any local battered women's shelter. They are used to helping women in your situation, who have no resources of their own and come with nothing. They will be able to help you work on finding employment and bettering yourself so you can support the children on your own. If you don't make that move now, you run the risk of your children growing up under this and resenting you for not doing what needed to be done to make it better. They are looking to you, as the sane and sober one, to make things right. So do it, and don't delay any further.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Right, sister. Before divorce proceedings, try and move with your kids to your parents at any cost. Then let your father approach a Qaadhi who will have your divorce done or annul your marriage insha Allah.
Asalaam alaikum Sister Amina,
I want to talk about a few things that were not mentioned in the above posts and will help you gain another perspective and a sense of urgency in making the right choices.
I want you to think of what could happen if your husband became the focus of your local or federal law enforcement agency. If he is becomes a suspect in an investigation, eventually they will arrest him and I should inform you that they do not do this nicely or with much consideration. It is possible that a arrest would be made in the early hours of the morning, your house ransacked by a drug search warrant, your husband arrested and it is also probable that you would be arrested or detained, thereby putting your children into State care. Law enforcement uses the latter tactic as a means to "break" your husband and may use it to force you to testify against him.
It is possible that if they used your husband to get at another drug supplier in a larger investigation, your family's life will be completely be turned upside down, not to mention the potential danger you could face. If this sounds far fetched, then you should know that drug charges carry some of the harshest penalties in every court system. However, losing your children to a foster care system would be the most tragic thing that could happen. The possible abuse your children could face in this kind of calamity is apparent by countless cases of physical, emotional and sexual abuse records found in the foster care system. This is what could happen in the non-Muslim countries.
In Islamic based governments, your husband will either face a heavy prison sentence, possible lashing and in some places, the death penalty. Several Islamic countries have been known to put to death drug dealers. So the ramifications of your husband's actions should be apparent.
Yet, another point that you may have not considered is what would happen if one of your children ingested the drugs that your husband may one day leave in your house, car or within the children's reach when he makes a drug-induced poor choice. It is highly likely that the child would die or suffer severe brain damage. Of course, the State would come in and take the remaining children from your care and place them in State agency custody. In looking after the children's safety, if this were to occur, they could not be blamed. And you would probably be facing jail time, the loss of your children and your husband would be tried for negligent homicide.
What would happen if he had the children with him in a car while he drives under the influence of narcotics? What happens if you are driving a car with his drugs in it and get pulled over by a police officer who then searches your car wherein you are arrested for possession? What happens if the children are with you at that time? What happens if one of your children take these drugs to daycare, the masjid or to a play date, wherein another child ingests the drugs?
The ramifications of these possible scenarios would also reside in the hereafter when Allah (swt) would question you on the Day of Judgement.
I tell you these things, because it is time that you realize that your husband's problems are secondary to the safety of your children. I tell you these things to scare you into action. I tell them to you so that you protect your children at all costs and yourself, as well.
Take the children and go to live with your family or another place, namely a women's shelter however, whichever and whatever it takes to do it.
You can refer to the resources listed here to find a shelter in the mentioned countries:
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/terrified-to-go-back-to-abusive-husband/
Sister, I do not write these words lightly or haphazardly. Please, put the safety of your children first. May Allah (swt) keep you safe and secure in the days ahead.
ASA,
I got married this April, my husband's attitude was weird. Till June, you cannot even imagine what i ve gone through abuses, humiliation...he even beated me up several times...i got to know he was on drugs - heroine. He tried to take money from me then and he was always out of control...if i or his parents stopped him from goin out he would misbehave and abuse so much that you have no idea and won't stop....he would take money forcefully from his mother at all times.. Then he went to dubai...for a month...stayed with his brother did nothing over there...came back..on 25th of july...and is staying with me now he doesnt really go out much and doesnt do any drugs, apparently coz he is all the time with me...i duno for how many years he was on heroine ..previously..but i also got to know that he was sent to the rehab for one month...i am pregnant ...and it is my fourth month...he is not working....he doesnt pray...or anything....he has not given me a penny for anything as yet since marriage....his parents got me clothes and stuff i needed but his mother is always taunting ...i dunno what to do....should i jus live with it....i dont like to misbehave with him...what should i do? what if i leave him and after that he is settled...remarries and lives a happy life....and i d be divorced earning looking after my child alone...please someone advise...the correct advice...i am 26 years old already...will be 27 when i ll have my child ...highly upset
ZA, please log in and write your question as a separate post and we'll try to advise you Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam, I really think you should help him, n stick by him, u have kids together, tell him to start praying, Allah the al mighty, will get him through it, don't give up, inShAllah he will be ok
Salaam sister
I read ur post earlier this month and it made me realise I was a lot like ur husband the things ur husband did to you I had been doin to my own wife and I was blind to what the consequences could have been if u carried on. However ur post made me realise my own actions and it brought me to tears that night I peayed fajr n read the Quran n did dua and alhamdulillah now I am clean n my wife is happy n i have to thank you aswell. Therefore I believe ur husband does still have hope maybe u should show him this post too or another similar he needs to realise what he could lose and instead of being naive. Inshallah it works out for the best n I hope there is still some light in your husband my duas are with you