Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I control my emotions when people take me for granted or make me upset?

Assalaamu alaikum my brothers and sisters!

I know a lot of wrong has been done against me, but I don't respond appropriately, and I need help. Sometimes I feel like I need to teach someone a lesson when they unjustifiably do wrong with me, but I really don't know if that's the best way. How do I control the anger and hurt I feel when someone tries to misbehave with me when I haven't hurt them or done any wrong to them? I feel some of my family members make comments to me that are very hurtful and it has such an impact on me, that I end up ignoring them or not even responding to them afterwards. It's very hard to be nice to people like that, but tell me, what should I do? What would the prophet have done in these situations? Your advice would be much appreciated.

I think I am gaining control of my emotions much better and not letting much affect me, but sometimes when certain family members try to hurt me intentionally, I end up trying to defend myself. It seems to be human nature, but I am trying hard to fight against talking back because I know it can sometimes do more harm than good. Also, I have talked back sometimes to my mother when I felt she was doing wrong with me, and then I would cry to Allah in namaaz and ask for forgiveness. Please, tell me how I can be better. Even though my husband sometimes doesn't act right, and always needs me to do everything for him, even his own Islamic duties, I know I shouldn't get so angry and upset and raise my voice. I feel ashamed of this. I try to make him better in behavior, but I think Allah should be the one I turn to for everything. Please, brothers and sisters, tell me how I should make myself a better person even though someone tries to hurt me or do wrong with me unjustifiably?

Also, when my husband misbehaves with me or doesn't appreciate me, I get immediately upset and say so many bad things to him. I try not to give him too much love, because then he thinks I will do all his Islamic duties, in addition to my own. I don't know how to handle my emotions well in this situation, but I don't ever want to think of divorce because I love him very deeply. I just think he has insecurities and low self-esteem like I did for a long time which I have finally overcome through the grace of Allah, by my husband's encouragement of steadfastness. This is his wonderful good point and he also went for ummrah to pray for my health and well being. He went to many imams, who reassured him that I would get pregnant and that I'm a very kind, loving person and nothing is wrong with me.

I think he is great in this regard, but it upsets me that when I appreciate him and focus on him and tell him he is good, it goes to his head and he thinks I have to do both my Islamic duties and his because he thinks I am an extremely loving, caring wife. I think he takes advantage of me when I try to be nice with him, so then I end up turning evil when I see he is taking advantage of me. I am by nature a loving, caring person, but all my life I have been mistreated because of this, and I see it happening with my husband and mother. I don't know what to do, and I always try to focus on people's good points, but sometimes when they do wrong with me despite my kindness, it angers me greatly. I would think that if my husband did a good deed by turning me to Allah, he would try to always follow a moral, Islamic life in his marriage by realizing that sometimes he is being unfair and mean to me. However, I guess it's not easy for many men regardless of religion to do so, even if they pray five times a day, do jum'ah prayer and are overly good with relatives and friends.

Whenever I help him, he seems to forget what I've done, and tries to ruin me by saying that I am bad and he is good because everyone supports him and not me. He seems to forget that I was the one that kept his position high before he came to this country by telling everyone about my husband so that his image would be good, but it all seems to be going to his head. Without me, he would not have come to this country, nor pass his driver's test on the first try and get his provisional license nor get the job he currently has. Did his relatives do all that? Then, it seems that he tries to go over my head by thinking he knows everything, when in actuality, he doesn't. I try to help him learn something, then he tries to go over my head about it. Now, he needs me to perfect his driving skills, but I'm afraid if I help him, he will go over my head and try to act like he is on top of the world and mistreat me, forgetting that I helped him to get there.

Your help would be appreciated.



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9 Responses »

  1. Assalmualikum
    I too need the same advice..except the part of husband..i myself am in this situation..hope sum other comment would help u..
    But i pray..May Allah(Subhana wa atala) bless u with sabar ....and strength..

  2. Sister,

    I have been in exactly the same situation as you. Now I am relizing that so many woman have or are in this situation when they marry men from "back home" and bring them to UK or USA. They think you you it to them. That you have to do everything for them. I have helped my husband financially and emotionally my whole life and in the end I got a kick! He has lied cheated and robbed me left right and centre. Thank Allah your situation has not got to that stage. You can still help the situation now by being firm. You need to understand your duties as a wife and your husbands duties. Its when you start doing your husband's duties thats when the problems start! Do not give him any money. It is his duty to provide for you. Make this known to him clearly if he asks you to help him financially.

    Men take advantage of gullible loving and caring woman who would drop everything for them. If he had a demanding wife he would not expect anything from her. You need to speak kindly. do not lose your temper. Just explain to him nicely that it is not your duty it is his duty to provide for the family. It is his duty to learn to drive properly. Tell him to ask a friend to help him out. Do not go out of your way to help him. Then you will not lose anything. If he has neglected any of his duties tell him kindly but firmly that you will not be doing it for him he needs to complete his duties by himself.

    If you have any needs you need to demand it for him be it clothes or jewellery. If you don't ask you won't get. You need to get him in the habit of providing for you and doing things himself. if you do everything for him he will always expect you to do it and never change.

    Try to change him now sister whilst you have the chance. Demand what you need from him (What a husband should provide islamically) and make sure he gives it to you. If this does not you need to get his relatives involved explain the situation to them that he is not being an islamic husband and not fullfilling his duties. Hopefully this should make him shameful of his actions. If this does not work then give him an ultimatum, either change or I will leave you! But take action now don't waste time it will only get worse.

    Hope everything goes well.

  3. Salamu'alaikum,

    Sister, the World is full of bad people who aid the Shaitaan in keeping the believers in distress.
    Whenever you encounter such people, just ignore them and think that you have much better things to worry about. And whenever you get angry, just say:

    A'oodhu Billahi min ash Shaitaan ar Rajeem

    Insha Allah, your anger will diminish. I will anyhow not include your mother and your husband in these people, because generally, they are the most comforting people in the World. They may seem wrong, but many times it the Shaitaan who makes it seem so, but the reality is the opposite. And in the process, people destroy their own lives and homes.

    I do not know what your mother said to you, that made you do what you did. Did she say something wrong? Or did she advise you over something and you did not like it?
    Generally, mothers are among the most understanding and the most supportive ones. You may have mistaken. Do not let a misunderstanding ruin your life. Even if she is in the wrong, be kind to her and do not show your anger to her.
    Allah says in Surah al Isra':

    23. And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.

    24. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: "My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small."

    25. Your Lord knows best what is in your inner-selves. If you are righteous, then, verily, He is Ever Most Forgiving to those who turn unto Him again and again in obedience, and in repentance.

    This is her position which is given to her by Allah. She deserves your love and respect.

    Kaab Ibn Ujrah (Radiyallahu Anh) relates that Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said Come near to the mimbar and we came near the mimbar. When He (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) climbed the first step of the mimbar, He (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said "Aameen", When He (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) ascended the second step, He (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said "Aameen", When He (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) climbed the third step, He (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said "Aameen" When He (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) came down, We said "O Rasool of Allah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam), we have heard from you today something which we never heard before" He (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said When I climbed the first step, the angel Jibraeel (Alaihis Salam) appeared before me and said

    "Destruction to him who found the blessed month of Ramdhan and let it pass by without gaining forgiveness"

    upon that I said 'Aameen'. When I climbed the second step, he said,

    "Destruction to him before whom thy name is taken and then he does not make Dua for Allah's blessing on me (by saying, for example: "Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam")."

    I replied 'Aameen'. When I climbed the third step, he said

    "Destruction unto him in whose lifetime his parents or either one of them reaches old age, and (through failure to serve them) he is not allowed to enter Jannah".

    I said 'Aameen'. (Hakim, Baihaqi)

    See the statement of Jibril Alaihis Salam in italics. Would you not like to be forgiven by Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala? Would you not like to enter al Jannah?

    If you anytime find your mother in the wrong, do not become angry; instead, talk to her gently and have patience, because Allah says in Surah al Baqarah, Aayah 153:

    O you who believe! Seek help in patience and As-Salat (the prayer). Truly! Allah is with As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.)

    This World is just a temporary one. The real life will begin when we die. Would you not have patience if you can better your Hereafter? Will it not be wise to ignore the insignificant matters and concentrate on the hereafter? Would you like it if Allah gives you all the comforts in this life and you have nothing in the Hereafter?

    Allah says in Surah al Baqarah, Aayaat 200-202:

    200. ...But of mankind there are some who say: "Our Lord! Give us (Your Bounties) in this world!" and for such there will be no portion in the Hereafter.

    201. And of them there are some who say: "Our Lord! Give us in this world that which is good and in the Hereafter that which is good, and save us from the torment of the Fire!"

    202. For them there will be alloted a share for what they have earned. And Allah is Swift at reckoning.

    Alhamdulillah, you asked for Allah's forgiveness for what you said to your mother. But in the future, think before you say anything to her. Even if she is wrong, Islam teaches you to be kind and gentle.

    A husband is generally one who comforts his wife with love and care, and expects a lot of respect from her.
    I do not understand what Religious duties of his you do. Do you do his Salaat? Do you read Qur'aan for him? Do you fast for him? This is what I can infer from what you say:

    "always needs me to do everything for him, even his own Islamic duties"

    I'll tell you something. There are some Ahadeeth which speak about the relation between a husband and a wife, and some others which will insha Allah help you take the correct action:

    Umm Salamah (Radiyallahu Anha) reported: Messenger of Allah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said: ”Any woman dies while her husband is pleased with her, she will enter Jannah”.(At-Tirmidhi)

    Ibn Hibbaan narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said: “If a woman prays her five (daily prayers), fasts her month (Ramadaan), guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: ‘Enter Paradise from whichever of the gates of Paradise you wish.’” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 660.

    Ibn Maajah (1853) narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Abi Awfa said: When Mu’aadh came from Syria, he prostrated to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said, “What is this, O Mu'aadh?” He said, I went to Syria and saw them prostrating to their archbishops and patriarchs, and I wanted to do that for you. The Messenger of Allaah said, “Do not do that. If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allaah, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands. By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, no woman can fulfil her duty towards Allaah until she fulfils her duty towards her husband. If he asks her (for intimacy) even if she is on her camel saddle, she should not refuse.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah.

    Ahmad (19025) and al-Haakim narrated from al-Husayn ibn Muhsin that his paternal aunt came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) for something and he dealt with her need, then the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Do you have a husband?” She said, “Yes.” He said: “How are you with him?” She said, “I do not neglect any of his rights except those I am unable to fulfil.” He said: “Look at how you are with him, for he is your paradise and your hell” – i.e., he is the cause of you entering Paradise if you fulfil his rights and the cause of your entering Hell if you fall short in that.

    Obeying her husband is more obligatory upon her than (taking care of) her mother, unless he gives her permission. (Sharh Muntaha al-Iraadaat, 3/47)

    This is the position of your husband in Islam. I do not know if he is in the right and you have a misunderstanding about him, or if he is wrong and needs to change a little.

    Sister, when you say "I don't ever want to think of divorce because I love him very deeply" you should probably see if you are right or if it is nothing more than a misunderstanding. Whether you are right or wrong, follow the Ahadeeth mentioned above. Do not ignore him. Give him as much love as possible and insha Allah, even if he is wrong, then he will change. And pray to Allah that He does so, because a Hadith has it that:

    "Every human being's heart lies between the two Fingers of Allah. Allah guides the heart of whoever He wills and allows the hearts of whoever He wills to stray."

    You could even show him the following Ahadith (and to not take offense about the first Hadith. It is what Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said):

    “Take good care of women, for they were created from a bent rib, and the most curved part of it is its top; if you try to straighten it, you will break it, and if you leave it, it will remain arched, so take good care of women.” (Bukhari & Muslim)

    “The most perfect believer in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behavior; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives.” (Al-Tirmidhi)

    The Prophet ﷺ has also said, “A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.” (Muslim)

    And Allah says in the Quran, in Surah an Nisa, Aayah 19:

    ...And live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good

    Be good to one another and ignore each other's faults. Insha Allah, you will live the most beautiful life then.

    If you think he is taking advantage of your love, then discuss it with him gently and sort it out, so that none of you has any doubt concerning the other in your minds. This is so that you live a life full of love and obedience to Allah. I'll qoute another Hadith insha Allah:

    Abu Hurayrah (radhi allahu anhu) reported that the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: “May Allah have mercy on a man who wakes up at night, prays and wakes his wife to pray; and if she refuses, he sprinkles water on her face. And may Allah have mercy on a woman who wakes up at night, prays, and wakes her husband to pray and if he refuses, she sprinkles water on his face.” [(hasan) by Shaikh al-Albanee (Abu Dawood)]

    Subhanallah! How peaceful it sounds. It is more peaceful in practice.

    Finally, sister, do not paint everybody with the same brush. Your mother is unlike the other people who may dislike you. And your husband is a garment/cover for you. Because Allah says in Surah al Baqarah, Aayah 187:

    ....They are Libas [i.e. body cover, or screen, or Sakan, (i.e. you enjoy the pleasure of living with her - as in Verse 7:189) Tafsir At-Tabari], for you and you are the same for them....

    And my sister, what if anyone dislikes you? It should matter if Allah is Pleased with you or not, and not the other way round.

    “He who displeased Allah for seeking the pleasure of people, Allah is displeased with him and those people are also displeased, for pleasing whom he had earned Allah’s displeasure. And he who pleases Allah, although by it he displeased people, Allah is pleased with him, and also those people whom he had displeased for pleasing Allah become pleased with him. Allah makes him splendid and his speech and acts in the eyes of others beautiful.” [Tibrani]

    I pray to Allah that He Makes the life easy for you, and gives you Peace and Tranquility

    Wassalamu'alaikum Warahmatullah
    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  4. Brother waseem thank you for that advice I sometimes also face this kind of situation. It will help alot.

  5. Salam Brother Muhammad Waseem,

    You gave really good advice and hadiths. Thank you it is very useful for me to. I am a bit confused about the wife obeying everything the husband says. If in this world woman are to obey their husband in every matter how does the husband do justice as he is only human and will make mistakes. If the parents keep giving the child everything they want, the child will be spoilt. The child will demand more and will never be satfisfied. this is the case with many relations. If the wife obeys the husband in every matter and becomes a slave to the husband the husband takes her for granted and will mistreat her by demanding more and never be satisfied.

    For example I did everything for my husband, never refused anything. I even provided for him financially. but then I did not have any money to give him. When he asked me for money again I said no because its his duty to provide for me. And he wants the money to enjoy himself with his friends while I look after kids. So he is then displeased with me and says that I am a bad person! just because once I said no to him. Am i sinning for not giving MY money to him and not fullfilling his request. If my husband is mistreating me how can I obey him it would be very difficult to respect someone who disrespects you!. If he loved and cared for me and fullfilled his duties then I would be happy to please him. Its give and take it works both ways. Isn't marriage a partnership or is it a master servant relationship. Then how do we deal with our emotions do we woman totally detach ourselves from our feelings and become a robot to serve the husband? Why did Allah put so much emotion in us that we feel the need to be loved and cared for? And talking to the husband does not always resolve the issue as they do not see their fault as they believe the wife should say yes to everything. Are we not allowed to say no to the husband sometimes when he expects us to do everything and overwhelms us with his responsibilities too?.No matter what I did for my husband he still says I am a bad wife because in the end I did not want to provide for the family I was tired doing everything and asked him to take responsibility. So he is displeased with me for not doing his responsiblity! Deos that mean that Allah is displeased with me too?

  6. Wa alaikum as Salam sister,

    In my opinion, you are not sinning by doing so.
    There's a limit to everything. And you are totally right that its his duty to provide for the family.
    But you should make sure you do your best and that you do not exaggerate. Respect him, but that does not relieve him from his responsibility.
    But before concluding that this is the case, please evaluate, if he is like this all the time, or is it just temporary because he has lost his job or something? Then you probably need to have some more patience until he becomes stable again.
    But otherwise, I believe that you sit with him and decide who does what. Show him these Ahadeeth (ones above, regarding his duties) and the following Aayaat.

    “…And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]. And Allaah is Exalted in Might and Wise." [Quran 2: 228]

    “Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allaah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth…” [Quran 4:34]

    He has no right to what belongs to you, until you give it to him out of your free will. And thus, there is no obedience in oppression. But remember that you are sure of the reason for such behavior of your husband. If it is valid, then I would say you need to have patience. Otherwise, have a discussion with him, which does not involve disrespecting him. That is to say, you do your part, so that you are not held accountable for it by Allah.

    But if this does not seem to work, then perhaps it will be better to involve someone who has an influence over him, someone he listens to, so that he or she can explain to him your rights and that your wealth is your wealth, and he can not ask for it.

    After all, I would like to say that if you manage to bring the following situation in your life, you'll insha Allah live in bliss:

    "The best woman is the one who when you (the husband) look at her, you are pleased; when you order her, she obeys; if you are absent from her, she guards herself and your property." [At- Tabarani]

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  7. Thank you so much for your advice! I appreciate the verses from the Quran to help me in this matter. I am learning to control my emotions and let go of the wrongs people have done to me for my own peace of mind. I am a very loving and kind person, and those who don't see that, aren't worth being around. It's best to simply be polite, but avoid them as much as possible. In terms of my husband, I will always be patient. Love is patience and I believe even though he needs me for everything, (like driving him to work, filling out his homework for his job, handling all financial issues), I hope he will realize he is in the wrong. However, I must try to keep control of my emotions, and not get angry. I feel he is very insecure (just like I was before), so I know Allah wants me to be patient and loving with him, especailly since I didn't get that kind of support. My mother sometimes creates problems in our marriage, which makes me upset. Like, when I was upset with my husband over a certain issue, I went to the attic just to be away from him for a while. I didn't want to scream and shout and then both of us end up hurting ourselves. I needed to clear my mind. My mother then comes upstairs and says I need to be hospitalized because I was not interested in eating dinner (which is rare in my whole life...usually I always eat timely whenever possible), and constantly unsupportive of me. She did slap my face when my older sister created problems the day before her marriage, which I bought a beautiful dress for and jewelry (no help with paying for it from my husband), so of course I was upset. However, I should have controlled myself better, but I didn't. I was upset because my sister has all these Western friends that make her stray far from Islam and I don't believe they are true friends because no friend would try to make problems with someone's family. It is very shameful for our family, but I think my mother feels she tried everything and she wasn't interested to listen to her. I think she's just happy she's married, especially since she is older than me. Inshallah, I will be better and I will wish everyone well, even my enemies, because I know it's not good for me to hold onto things. I have a life too, and I need to be apart of it. I wish I could make Muslim friends, but sometimes some Muslims don't act right either. It's hard to find real Islamic friends, but I hope with the grace of Allah, I will. I will turn to Allah for everything, especially with my husband, and lately, I am starting to see the benefits especially during this Ramadan. I will continue to be positive, because with Allah supporting me, nothing can go wrong. Thank you all for your support and love, and I wish all my brothers and sisters a very happy Ramadan!

    • Alhamdulillah! Sister, you have a beautiful plan. All I would say is 'Patience'. This is what Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said to the family of Yaasir who were being punished with red hot iron.

      Insha Allah, do what you have planned with patience and wisdom, and insha Allah, you'll FEEL the Mercy of Allah.

      Muhammad Waseem Editor

  8. As-salamu alaykum dear sister. I just wanted to let you know that because of the high number of questions we receive, and because our ability to answer them all is limited, we have a limit of 4 published posts per person per year. You have already hit your limit, so I deleted your other two pending posts. You can leave comments here or on your previous posts, or you can publish a follow-up post next calendar year Insha'Allah.

    Wael, Editor

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