Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents’ Reasons to Reject a Possible Match


Asalam o alaikum.

I've been meaning to write about my circumstances for a year now, but couldn't find the courage. I'm a 23 year old girl, and my mother started looking for a suitable guy for me for the past few months. The thing is, I like someone. He's a revert muslim, and he did that after we became friends online. We've known each other for a year and a half, but only online. He lives in another country; we never even skyped. We just talked on a call and it was as friends only, since we're both very awkward and shy. We really like each other and have so since the first day.

I told my mother and brother about him, as I tell them about all my online friends. Along the way, as my feelings developed little by little, so I asked my mom if it were possible for them to consider him for me. She said there's no way because:

  1. He's a revert.
  2. He's not from our country.
  3. He lives alone. His parents are divorced so his dad got him his own little apartment.
  4. You can't trust anyone online.

Now before you all think "your mom's right", I do know that too. If I think about all the ridicule my parents will have to go through because of the standards and customs we have in our muslim societies, I know I won't want my parents answering all those questions by strangers. But, in Islam, I know I have a right to tell my parents if I like someone. I did that, but they outright said no, impossible. I won't ever want my parents getting upset with me, nor will I take the wrong approach. I just want to know what I should do. When I tell him that my mom said this or that regarding you, he gets really depressed.


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1 Responses »

  1. Al Salaamu Alaykum,

    First of all, the decision you make about someone shouldn't be about their reaction to your choice. You said he gets depressed when you indicate there may not be a way forward. While I understand you care about his feelings and don't like to see him hurting, that's something he alone needs to work out with Allah. You are not responsible to fix his feelings, and certainly it would be wrong of you to make a choice only to prevent him from hurting more.

    So that brings us back to what you should choose, and why. The most important thing here is to do what you feel Allah wants you to do. So that means you should make istikhara. In istikhara, we ask Allah to make whatever we are asking for to be eased forward, or to be taken away from it completely. If you make istikhara, and find your mother becoming more open, then maybe Allah is opening a way for you. But if you make istikhara and find your mother staying firm to what she already said, then you can know the way is not being made easy for you and to let it go. But in any case, not making istikhara and seeking Allah is foolish.

    I wouldn't worry too much about losing a boy you like, if it happens to work out like that. There are many guys out there that you are compatible with and you will like, and be assured Allah will not prevent you from one without bringing you to the one He wrote for you.

    Finally, you said you want to do the right thing. If this guy isn't the one Allah wants for you, you need to stop the online contact with him. It will only make it more difficult for both of you to move on. If you really care about his feelings, then doing things the godly way will actually be a mercy to him (and yourself) in the bigger scheme of things.

    -Amy Editor

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