I would rather choose to die than live without him.
Hi Brothers and Sisters,
I am a hindu girl and I am in love with a muslim boy for nearly 4 years. I love him sincerely. My parents are dead. I don´t really care about my relatives because I have crossed all my difficulties, suffering pain, all by myself.
This guy has been my life, my world and I have never missed my parents or felt orphan-like since I met him. He also loves me truly. But his father's health is bad now and he is really strict and stubborn, he can´t accept me. I don´t know what to do. I cannot see him with another girl. I will rather choose to die than to live without him. He is afraid he will kill his father and so he is really struggling between us. Please help us.
Is there someone who can help us to convince his Dad...From the beginning, I am ready to become a muslim by conversion because nothing is so big to me than my love for him. I will leave anything for him but can´t leave him.
From my relatives side, they have seen a guy for me so they are seeking my acceptance before march 15th. I am expecting that something positive will happen in his side before that, so I can open up this matter at home. I am afraid they will take some hard and immediate measures which I am afraid will take me away from him.
Thanks,
-AnuP
Entries(RSS)
Salam sister,
firstly I am sorry to read about your situation. It seems like you have lived a very tough life with the lack of support from family and relatives. You must be a very strong girl! Sister, firstly, I do understand that as humans we need someone we can lean to, somone we can give and receive love from and since you did not get that opportunity from your family (where most people get it from) you have made this person the center of your world. I can understand completely why that is the case. He has filled that void in your heart that was there for a long time.
However, I want to state one thing. Firstly, if you do want to convert to Islam, you cannot do so for the sake of your boyfriend. You must only convert to Islam if you BELIEVE in Allah SBT and his prophets (including the divine book, the Quraan, the sunnat, etc). Sister, I know you love this person a lot but you need to step back for a moment. He comes from a Muslim family and I can understand why his father is refusing. It is obviously due to the religion differentiation and you also know the reason for rejection. Sister, if his father does not agree, then you must let him go. You will not be happy if you keep holding onto something that you know you cannot get. I KNOW this is going to extremely difficult for you because this guy has showered you with a lot of love and care. But you have to learn to love yourself the most. Do not ever depend on anyone for happiness, for when they leave, life becomes unbearable. I always tell myself that because I get very easily attached to people.
Sister, you have to think rationally, this situation is very difficult and from the way I view it, there are minimal chances for acceptance here. Also, this boy should never even think of hurting his father in any way. Love should never make one so blind that they forget the value of their family and parents. Tell him to try to control his flood of emotions. I know this is a difficult time for you both but life does not always go the way we plan. Sometimes, we want something that we think is for our good, but when we get it, we later realize it is actually causing us pain and distress. Try to reason to yourself that you can do this and overcome this hardship. I know you love him but try to love yourself more. Explain to yourself that this is life and many people have gone through similar situations like yours. They live AND move on. Sister, do not ever think of suicide, that is the coward's way to go. You must be strong and put a hold on your emotions. A great quote came in my mind right now, "What does not kill you only makes you stronger". You KNOW you can do this. You just need some strength and lots of hope for a bright future :).
Lastly, I want to state one thing. Sister, if you do decide to convert to Islam, bear in mind his family may still reject you, so if you do convert, do so for the right reasons because there can still be a liklihood for rejection.
Stay strong and I know you can do it! Many people love their loved ones through death and they still love and move on. We are functioned in a way to get attached to other humans, but at the same time we have been given that much strength to control ourselves and move on, all due to the grace of Allah SBT.
Typo: Many people loose their loved ones through death and they still love and move on. We are functioned in a way to get attached to other humans, but at the same time we have been given that much strength to control ourselves and move on, all due to the grace of Allah SBT.
Hi sister Anu.
I am sorry for the difficulties that you are facing. This may not be a practical solution, but I urge you not to consider suicide whatever happens. I will be honest with you - Many have loved and lost. Me included, I wanted to die at that stage too, but it passes so please dont entertain such thoughts.
Start reading about Islam, to show his father that you are serious. Try to find peace in your life. God is always there. He loves you, so find His presence and open your heart to Islam. I urge you to learn as much as you can. Try to meet muslim sisters. Pray to God and ask Him to show you the truth, and to find a solution for you.
You conversion to Islam must be sincere and not just for this guy so please focus on that. Be well mannered and nice, no matter how his father treats you. That way, islamically you can marry. This does not guarantee that his father will agree.
I hope it all works out for you dear Anu. Please feel free to post on her and
If anyone has any additional, more practical advice on this please feel free to comment.
Peace,
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
aasalamu alaikum sister im sory and hope the best for you,you began this haraam relationship you might aswell get married to the guy..... coz if u marry someone else youd b left with painful memories that will haunt you,it is halaal in islam to get married in secret without the parents consent so get married and make everyone believe your not....do it for your health and deen DEEN meaning make your relationship halaal its better then haraam,wen his dad wants him to get married he should giv an excuse say he dont choose to marry now later and let the laters go on and on...and you give the same excuse..... this is better then u killing yourself and better then him killing his dad so get married be patient make duaa and love in a halaal way dont forget bcome a better muslim mwah take care sister.
I wouldnt do this at all. Relationships in secret are not right. What about where she wil live, would he look after her, what if she gets pregnant how will he SECRETLY support her?! I really dont agree with the above advice from hanniya
what you mean how will she live how will he secretly support her what you mean how will he look after her? do u feel we living in a prison? where there is a will there is a way.... he suppotrs her he meets her at coffee shop and hands over money that will help her get her needs for the month and every month he does the same thing.... where will she live? with her parents,,,,, what if? lets not talk about what ifs we dont know the future all we know is the past and the present.... its not haraam to use birth control pills if there is a reason..... concerning forced marriage Aa'ishah reported that a girl came to her and said, "My father married me to his brother's son in order to raise his social standing, and I did not want this marriage [I was forced into it]." ?Aa'ishah said, "Sit here until the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) comes. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came and she told him about the girl. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) sent for her father, then he gave the girl the choice of what to do. She said, "O Messenger of Allaah, I have accepted what my father did, but I wanted to prove something to other women." (Reported by al-Nisaa'i, 3217).
So as you can see, a lady came to Aisha informing her that her father had forced her to marry someone she did not want, Aisha called the prophet Muhammad to see what his ruling on the matter would be, and as you can see the prophet then sent for her father, and gave the girl a choice in the matter, as to whether she wanted the marriage to remain intact or get a divorce.
Hence this makes it all clear that forced marriage is not allowed, that the lady has a choice in regard to the matter. Another hadith records the prophet Muhammad saying: so dont kill yourself sister.... u dont have to get married to a guy your parents want you to marry................................. ALLAH SAYS O young people, who of you is able to shoulder the responsibility of marriage let him get married. This will lower his gaze, and keep him/her chaste. Who is not, let him/her keep fast. For fasting will reduce the desire (or the physical pressure)'. If the hadith is making marriage conditional on the ability, financial or otherwise, the Qur'an encourages helping the poor get married, Allah most Gracious said: `And marry those among you, who are single, and those who are fit. If they are needy Allah will make them free from want, out of His grace, And Allah is ample giving, knowing' (24:32)
o hell sorry mis typed that sentence Another hadith records the prophet Muhammad saying: its not suppose to be there sorryyyyyyyyyyyy o my gush
and sorry i meant your relatives not parents sorry for filling this page with my mis typing
And what about when his father finds out. Im sorry i believe marriages shud be public knowledge. Saves the hassle of her relatives tryin to get her hooked up wiv sumone else as well what would she say then.
and i believe in WHAT ALLAH HAS SAID... ALLAH SAYS O young people, who of you is able to shoulder the responsibility of marriage let him get married. This will lower his gaze, and keep him/her chaste. Who is not, let him/her keep fast. For fasting will reduce the desire (or the physical pressure)'. If the hadith is making marriage conditional on the ability, financial or otherwise, the Qur'an encourages helping the poor get married, Allah most Gracious said: `And marry those among you, who are single, and those who are fit. If they are needy Allah will make them free from want, out of His grace, And Allah is ample giving, knowing' (24:32)
i have never read a hadith or quraanic ayaat that states marriage without parents consent is not valid. i am a muslim i follow hadith and the quraan not my own opinion 😉 all the choices i make is islamic
So keep the happiness of a marriage away from ur family, lead a double life, dont have kids carry on deceiving. Hmmm. Forced marriages are wrong but men need to stand up and continue what they started or finish it. Simple. Either marry her openly or let her move on. No in between meetin in a coffee shop! He startd this he needs to choose his path, as the problem is on his side. And thers also the issue of the sister. Does she wanna bcome muslim for him or for the religion? Its not a light decision.
Allah guides those he wants to guide.... did u not read what the girl typed? . I will rather choose to die than to live without him. u think that what she typed she doesnt mean? do u want the girl to kill herself? or go mad? when there is a chance she could convert to islam get married and later become a strong believer repent and be the best mom ever? who says its a double life? when one gets married one gets married to the spouse not the family
Yes i read it. And having been thru it myself i also no, if someone wants to marry u they will do it. If they dont then thats that. U feel like killing urself. But more importantly YOU get over it. Not fully maybe not ever but the feeling of killing urself does pass. And im sorry but it may be true that u dont marry the family but its the family who us stoppin him from marryin her. They ARE playin ther part. They hv an influence. I for one would wanna live with my husband and support him with his dads ill health too. This way she will be lookin from the outside into his life.
Sister haniyyya,
it's great that you are showing genuine concern for this girl but let's keep certain aspects in mind before we give advice to others.
1.) She wants to convert to Islam for the sake of her boyfriend, not for the sake of Allah SBT. Let's assume she does even convert, she will not be doing it for the right reasons, therefore, she may not be even considered a 'valid' Muslimah. Sister, she needs to first build the firm intention of converting to Islam ONLY for the sake of Allah SBT and no one else because there still may be a chance for rejection from the guy's family. What will she do then if she converted only for his sake? Therefore, changing a religion requires a lot of research and thinking. One cannot just jump from one religion to another because they love someone. They must do it because they love the Creator.
2.) You are suggesting that she marries him behind the family's back, gets money from him through meeting at coffee shops, uses birth control, etc. Is that really a lifestyle she should be subjected to live? Shouldn't she able to walk freely in public with her husband and everyone is informed that they are happily married? Ideally, that's the way to go. These secret marriages later on cause a lot of problems. There is no need for one to run away and secretly get married. Like sister Aliyah has said, the guy started this, he must choose a certain path. There is no point of doing all this in secret, the world will come to know of their marriage one day. What will they do then?
3.) Lastly, Allah forbid this sister commits suicide but I am hopeful she will not because she has come to ask for help and we are all here to comfort and help her out. Therefore, she does not need to commit suicide. If she needed to she would have long time a go and not come to this website for help. Often women when wanting to commit suicide are actually indirectly asking for help and we are to exactly that! 🙂 Therefore, sister haniyyya do not worry, inshAllah nothing of that sort will happen because there are numerous people here who will be constantly giving their advices and support to her. AnuP, this should be another for you to not contemplate suicide seeing how worried others are for your well being. People here really are worried for you and we genuinely care fot you, so please be strong!
Typo: Often women when wanting to commit suicide are actually indirectly asking for help and we are here to do exactly that! 🙂
Sorry!
Assalaam alaikum brothers and sisters.
As far as I know, one of the conditions of a valid marriage is that it must be done openly. The husband and wife must be known as a husband and wife. Secret marriages are not valid in Islam.
Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is reported to have said: “There is no (young) woman who got married without the consent of her guardian except that the marriage will be invalid.”
For a marriage to be valid certain conditions must be met:
1) Consent of both parties.
2) "Mahr" - a gift from the groom to the bride.
3) Witnesses.
4) The marriage should be publicized. (It should never be kept secret as this can lead to suspicion and troubles within the community.)
taken from http://www.jannah.org/sisters/marr.html
Please dont consider a secret marriage as its not valid. Also it will come out in the end, and may cause even more problems. This also wont be good for his father.
Peace,
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
Thank you. I totally agree. Ive been there in this situation. But no way however much i wanna marry him id never go for a so called secret marriage
sorry but i have to reply as this girl is in a serious situation...... is that hadith authenticated? so ALLAH SAYS O young people, who of you is able to shoulder the responsibility of marriage let him get married. This will lower his gaze, and keep him/her chaste. Who is not, let him/her keep fast. For fasting will reduce the desire (or the physical pressure)'. If the hadith is making marriage conditional on the ability, financial or otherwise, the Qur'an encourages helping the poor get married, Allah most Gracious said: `And marry those among you, who are single, and those who are fit. If they are needy Allah will make them free from want, out of His grace, And Allah is ample giving, knowing' (24:32) AND the parents due to personal reasons dis agree with the marriage so the man has no right to marry the girl or vice versa? Abû Hurayrah relates that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "If a suitor approaches whose religion and character please you, then let him marry. Otherwise, there will be a lot of immorality and corruption in the world." [Sunan al-Tirmidhî (1084) – authenticated by al-Albânî]
Allah alone knows the evil that befalls society because women are prevented form getting married or have their marriages unreasonably postponed. We can easily see its affect on morality when we look at the state of affairs in the world around us.
The Prophet (peace be upon him), with the words above, warned us about these negative consequences. The hadîth addresses to the woman's guardians. A guardian who refuses to allow a woman to marry a suitable man of good religion and character who she wishes to marry is, in obstructing her from marriage, compromising his right to act as her guardian. As a consequence, guardianship will be transferred to the next in line for that duty among her relatives.
In Sahîh al-Bukhârî (5130), Ma`qal b. Yasâr relates:
I got one of my sisters married to a man who later on divorced her. After her waiting period expired, he approached me again for her hand in marriage. I told him: "I let her marry you, I provided for you, and I was generous towards you. Then you divorced her. Now you come to me to marry her again! No, by God, you will never get her back."
He was a decent man, and she wanted to go back to him. Then ALlah revealed the verse: "So do not obstruct those women from marriage."
So I said to Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him)after hearing this verse: "Now I will consent to let her marry him."
Sheikh Muhammad b. `Uthaymîn says the following:
If a woman's guardian prevents her from marrying a suitable partner of good religion and character, then her guardianship is transferred to the next in line for guardianship among her relatives. If all of her guardians – in succession – refuse, as if usually the case in these matters, then guardianship transfers to the Islamic judge who will facilitate the woman's marriage. It is the duty of the judge to get the woman married once the matter comes before him and he knows of her guardians' refusal. This is because the judge has general jurisdiction over the matter once the specific jurisdiction of her blood relatives is annulled.
The jurists mention that if a guardian repeatedly refuses a woman's qualified suitors, his character is deemed sinful and this disqualifies his guardianship. In fact, according to the established ruling of the Hanbalî school of law, the right of such a man to lead others in prayer is nullified. We can appreciate how serious a matter this is.
Some people whom Allah has entrusted with guardianship refuse to allow the women under their care to marry qualified suitors. The problem is compounded by the fact that many young women are too shy or scared to appeal their cases to the courts. These women need to look at their situations carefully. Is it really better for them to remain unmarried or to marry at the whims of their guardians after many years when good marriage opportunities are less likely? Or is it better to seek the intervention of the courts to get married, which is her God-given right?
It is certainly better for her to take her case to court, not only for her own sake, but for the sake of other women who will be emboldened to follow her example. It will likewise be a warning to other guardians who would abuse their authority.
Finally, by taking the matter to court, the woman will be enforcing the Prophet's command: "If a suitor approaches whose religion and character please you, then let him marry. Otherwise, there will be a lot of immorality and corruption in the world." Sheikh Muhammd b. `Uthaymîn also said:
It is high time that women are emboldened to appeal to the courts when their fathers refuse to let them marry men of commensurate character and religion, so the judge can say to their fathers: "Either let your daughter get married, or I will marry her off or appoint someone who will." It is the daughter's right to appeal to the courts if her father refuses to let her get married.
This is a God-given right. Therefore, it is high time we reach that stage where this is the norm. Unfortunately, most young women are too shy to do that.
And Allah is the one who we beseech for success.
o yes and vice versa when the mans parents doesnt want him to marry the girl.
and obviously all will think she is embracing islam just for him coz they wana make the marriage halaal but u dont know what lies in her heart only and only Allah so lets not judge before hand
Hanniya
You think it is ok for the woman to marry in secret without the consent of her family but say the man should keep it from his family till they agree- what sort of double standards are these? What is wrong for the woman is wrong for the man too!
He willingly fell in love and made promises to this girl over the last four years -so if he is a man he will stand up for his actions. Also from her statement it is clear she is converting for the sake of the man and her love for him- it is irrational to convert to any other religion other than for faith in God and his way of life. You disproved your own statement by saying that we dont know what is in her heart and hence it is ok to convert- exactly we dont know what she is guided by hence cannot support/reject her choice- makes sense??
Aliya-thank you for being the rsane one. You're ex does not know what he has lost truly.
AnuP - please read through all the threads here and understand . Any man who does not have the courage to stand up for you when you have been by his side throughout is not worth your love or life.
totally agree brokensmile why make promises if you cant keep them dont state hope with someone if you really dont mean and using for your gains for time pass
AnuP
Please read the thread below-it should give you answers about the path you are heading down
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/christian-with-pakistani-boyfrien/
Also the woman who has written her story is a Christian in love with a Muslim- yet they are facing issues.
Remember Islam allows men to marry Jews and Christians and yet her muslim bf is not committing so you being a Hindu stand pretty much no chance. That said - I have friends who are married where the guy is muslim and the girl is hindu or viceversa but in all the cases both parties were steadfast in their resolution to marry only those woman and hence it worked out. Ask yourself if your bf is willing to fight for you and put the question to him too.If he appears to waver-you know the answer. Irrespective of religion, it shows a person's lack of character if they commit for four years and then change their minds-even if you convert remember a marriage based on conditions is shaky anyway as one person has been forced to accede. Marriage is "compromise" not "sacrifice" .
You are the only person who has the power to help yourself- ask yourself these questions and you will find the answer. Go by what you conclude and I am sure you will see the light. Remember the guy knew that illness or not his muslim family would not agree without a fight so he is making excuses by bringing his father's condition into the picture. Also has he told his friends both muslim and non-muslim about you, have you met and interacted with them? if not this is a red flag- he is keeping his options open by not telling them. If you guys are hiding your relationship from the world- take it from me and other brokenhearted women on here, he will not marry you. He is just building the situation so he can come to you and say he has been coerced by his parents and has no choice and will marry whom they pick- you will be left scarred for life.
God be with you.
Also none of the inter-faith couples I mentioned above have converted to each other's religion- they remain mindful and respectful of their faith and that of their spouses. So if it truly has to work- both of you have to stick to the commitment; either you or him alone cannot make the decision.
Hello all dear Sisters,
First of all I wanna thank you'll for rendering your precious time for helping me out.. Am so thankfully debted to you all.. I would like to let you'll know the current situation. We are still waiting on his Father. and we, especially me Lover is still afraid to tke dis topic up with his Father.. In dis whole year of 2011, he spoke on it just twice. I cant live without him. He is my everything. Any other guy in the world can never replace the genuine love and care he shows me. My health has deteriorated a lot over this year. Even yesterday night I was at the hospital, not to forget that my sweet love was the only person who was beside me and took great care of me jus like my own Father would if he was alive. I have become so weak that I have picked up a lot of allergies that affect my day to day's health. Like Tomato, Dust, Tamarind, Fish, Mushroom, Cloves, Yeast(all Bakery foods and even idly and dosa). My regular doctors always tell me that it is because I am not happy and worrying all the time has made me so weak. They also say i have a big problem with loneliness and i am terribly home sick. My whole immune system has come down. I am having high fever even now.
And even before i read ur comments and valuable suggestions, I went thru a lot of Quran readings and I also bought an english book that translates all the main stories of Quran. In the very first chapter of the book, I read about the Prophet Muhammad. I noted an imteresting thing while reading it - It was Khadija who proposed to marry the Prophet. And then they disclosed their wish to their concerned people and it was instantly agreed by them. So i see that the Quran or the Prophet or The Allah SBT is neer against love marriage.
Warm Regards,
Anupriya
Assalamualaikum Dear Anupriya,
Its sad to hear about your health constantly deteriorating. As it's almost been a year. Learning Islam is the best thing. Try to focus and learn about this beautiful religion as much as you can. Inshallah you will feel light and the ability to convert for the sake of Allah(s.w.t).
You should not worry so much. You should cheer yourself up, take up some hobbies , something that makes you smile. I can understand your situation as almost everyone goes through the loss of loved ones at some point of their lives, included me. I too became very depressed, very ill but Allhamdullilah by my will power and Allah(s.w.t) 's help I am much normal. Although still their is some fear inside me but I always look at the positive aspects and always try to build up my faith more stronger with each passing day.
May Allah give you the strength . You are a strong girl. And always try to depend for happiness only on yourself not on somebody else.
All my prayers and love,
Masalaam