Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Urgent advice needed on helping to support my Christian parents

Caring for Sick parents

I am in desperate need of  urgent advice.

I am a western Sunni convert married to a Middle Eastern man (2nd Marriage).  All of my family are Christians and/or atheists.

My Mum is in a Hospice and we have been told she could die any minute. My Dad is in his mid 80's and I am staying with him during this difficult time.  My problem is that he has asked for me to collect Alcohol for him and also cook him food containing pork.  I have cooked him pork but have not carried alcohol for him.

My husband has stopped me from doing this and it has caused much anger from my family. I am an only child so have no brothers or sisters to help me.  My (adult) children have been doing as much as they as they all have very young families can but do not understand why I am prevented from getting him alcohol etc.

Everybody is very distressed by the whole situation and now they have turned against my husband and are putting pressure on me, so I am left feeling very guilty that I do these things for me elderly father during a very very difficult time.

Aisha2013.


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12 Responses »

  1. ASSALAMALAIKUM AISHA-
    HOPE YOU WILL HAVE A BROAD MIND IN UNDERSTANDING THE ISLAMIC STAND ON WHAT IS HARAM-
    1ST KEEP IN MIND THAT ALLAH IS SUPREME FOR A BELIEVER AND HIS COMMANDS ARE THE PRIORITY-

    TODAY BY GOING AGAINTS HIS XOMMAND YOU MIGHT LAND UP IN RECIEVING HIS DISPLEASURE-

    BECAUSE MUMMY IS ALREADY LIKE YOU TOLD AY TIME SHE WILL DIE AND FATHER IS ALSO IN MID 80'S
    ISLAM SAYS AND GIVES THE SAME STATUS TO ONE EATS NOR SERVES ONE DRINKS OR SERVES IN BOTH PORK AND ALCOHOL CASES AND THEY ARE IN THE GRUP OF HARAMMEANS PROHIBITED AND THEY COME UNDER EVERY SEVERE WORST WHICH ISLAM HAS SERIOUSLY PROHIBITED-

    SO YOUR HUSBAND IS TELLING FOR YR OWN GOOD AND YOU WILL SUFFER FOR DISOBEDIENCE TO YR CREATOR FOR THE SAKE OF HIS CREATION YR PARENTS
    REMINDING YOU AGAIN ALLAH IS SUPREME AND SHARIAH IS SUPREME THEN COMES OTHER RELATIONS-Say : "I WOULD, IF I DISOBEYED MY LORD, INDEED HAVE FEAR OF THE PENALTY
    OF A MIGHTY DAY."Zumar : 13, Alquran
    We are fully responsible for our acts ourselves: we cannot transfer the consequences to someone else....
    However, in light of the Quran’s repeated assertion that a sinner cannot bear the load of another.....
    And no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. And if a heavily laden soul calls [another] to [carry some of] its load, nothing of it will be carried, even if he should be a close relative.You can only warn those who fear their Lord unseen and have established prayer. And whoever purifies himself only purifies himself for [the benefit of] his soul. And to God is the [final] destination’ (Surah Fatir 35:18)
    "Say: Shall I seek Lord other than God, while He is the Lord of all things? No person earns any sin except against himself (only), and no bearer of burden shall bear the burden of another. Then unto your Lord is your return, so He will tell you that wherein you

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    I'm so sorry to hear about your family's situation.

    As well as religious obligations, there are practical reasons why alcohol would not be advisable for your dad, so you could discuss these with him - he needs to have a clear head to support your mum, alcohol is a depressant so is likely to make his mood lower and make him less able to cope, and if your mum were to suddenly deteriorate, I'm sure he wouldn't want to be under the influence of alcohol when saying goodbye.

    It might help you to reflect on Al-Ankaboot, as this surah includes guidance on how to balance respect for our families with commitment to our faith.

    My advice would be to encourage your father not to drink alcohol at this time, for his own sake, and to gently but firmly explain that due to your position on this matter you will not (rather than "can't" - "can't" can suggest you would if you could) bring him alcohol. You could ask him why he is wanting to drink, and if it is a coping mechanism, you could try to work with him to find alternatives. Hospice staff are experienced in helping families in distress, so they will probably be able to make plenty of suggestions and offer support.

    As for cooking pork, if he likes it and wants to eat it, it could be difficult and upsetting to confront him about this. Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable preparing pork or non-halal meat, even if I weren't having to eat it. Why not suggest alternative recipes? You could turn cooking and preparing food into a quality time for the two of you, looking through recipe books and maybe introducing your dad to meals from your husband's home country - that would also help in building a positive bond between your dad and your husband?

    If you're preparing meals that will be re-heated, that's an extra reason not to use pork (and one that non-Muslims should also be aware of) - pork is one of the food products most likely to cause food poisoning if it isn't thoroughly cooked, so it shouldn't really be re-heated. For these meals, maybe try to stick to vegetable-based options, to reduce the risk of food poisoning.

    Also, make sure you're looking after yourself as well, and spending time with your mum yourself. If you're struggling, try to speak to the hospice staff and to supportive sisters. Some hospices have an imam who visits and provides Islamic support to Muslim patients and relatives, so it might be worth speaking with him about how you are thinking and feeling?

    May Allah comfort you, and may He guide your family to Islam.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • MashaAllah, good advice. I just wanted to add the following Ayahs from the Holy Quran:

      "We have advised the human being to be good to his parents. But if they urge you to associate with Me something you have no knowledge of, do not obey them. To Me is your return; and I will inform you of what you used to do."
      (Quran 29: 8)

      "We have entrusted the human being with the care of his parents. His mother carried him through hardship upon hardship, weaning him in two years. So give thanks to Me (Allah), and to your parents. To Me (Allah) is the destination. But if they (your parents) strive to have you associate with Me something of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them. But keep them company in this life, in kindness, and follow the path of him who turns to Me. Then to Me is your return; and I will inform you of what you used to do."
      (Quran 31: 14-15)

  3. u Just say INSHA ALLAH every thing will b ok,

  4. Dear madam !
    i must say that at this stage ! read surat al luqman with its meaning and uder stand where Allah subhana says for the parents rights ! meaning " the mother who served you with her milk for 2 years and father who supported you ! if they says to do shirk with Allah dont do that , but don degrade then always be respectful to your parents ,
    now my advise is tell the meaning of surat al luqman .and say that according to my lord order i am not supose to obey you but in other sense , i must serve you because my lord says not to degrade you .so here is requirement , but as a muslim i must say not to drink and eat pork but as you people have served me in mind child hood its become my moral duties to serve may Allah open their mind to a thought full event.

  5. As-Salaamu'Alykum,

    1st of all welcome to Islam,

    [2] Sister Allah's Messenger Mohammad[SAW] has said: "There is NO obedience to the creation over the disobedience to The Creator" Sahih Muslim

    So if they order you to bring or cook pork or alcohol, don't do it but be polite...

    Watch sky channel peace tv 820 or http://www.iera.org.uk or http://www.thedeenshow.com or youtube "The Deen Show" , http://www.irf.net,,, these will help doing dawah to your relatives...

  6. Dont just copy paste from the internet ,when u give advice stsndby it but the advices given above abide by shariah so the whole epilogue is this that allah and hus messenger comes first then family ,

    Feeamanallah
    Student of uloom ul shariah
    Ummul qura

  7. Sister,

    If your family had any respect at all for you, your beliefs and way of life, they would not ask of you something that is against your faith. If family members are upset with you, let them be upset with you. They have absolutely no right to ask that you toss your faith aside in order to please them.

    Your husband is correct in stopping you from providing food and drink that are clearly haram. Stop feeling guilty...you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.

    Salam

  8. In US there are many Muslims who work in pizza places that use pork. Muslims also work in liquor stores. Please take care of your older parents.

    • SVS, just because some Muslims do such things doesn't mean it's okay. It's still forbidden. The sister should care for her parents, but should not buy any haram (forbidden) products.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • ASSALAMALAIKUM
      Whoever recommends and helps a GOOD cause becomes a PARTNER therein: And whoever recommends and helps an EVIL cause, shares in its BURDEN: And ALLAH hath power over all things.
      Holy Quran, Chapter 4 Surah An Nisaa (The Women ) Verse 85

      THE MUSLIMS WHO DO WRONG THINGS ARE THEY THEMSELVES GOING TO SUFFER AND THESE ARE BAD EXAMPLES OF BLACK SHEEPS IN ISLAM AND ADVISING LIKE [ SVS]
      TO FOLLOW THEM IS ALSO SIN AND ANGELS WILL RECORD THE ADVISER AND THE DOER ALSO-FALLS IN SIN-

      Help you one another in virtue, righteousness and piety; but do not help one another in sin and transgression.
      And fear Allah. Verily, Allah is Severe in punishment.} (Al-Ma’idah 5:2

      YOUR CASE IS THIS-
      On the authority of Abu Saeed al-Khudri (Radiyallahu Anhu)
      who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam say, “Whoever of you sees an evil must then change it with his hand.
      If he is not able to do so,
      then [he must change it ] with his tongue.
      And if he is not able to do so, then [he must change it] with his heart.
      And that is the least faith.” (Recorded in Muslim)

  9. Sister Allah's Messenger Mohammad[SAW] has said: "There is NO obedience to the creation over the disobedience to The Creator" Sahih Muslim

    So remember sister, that its more important to not displease Allah than displeasing your parents. And try to turn it around. Say dad, Alkhohol is probably not the best thing for you to have at this age and it wont make the pain go away. and try to make him another drink, like thea and such. Try to avoid to explain the religious aspect of it. Just dont lie. Im advising you to find another valid reason for why he shouldn't be drinking alchohol and explain that to him, instead of why islamicly you cant. Like that, you will avoid the conflict. and do the same with pork. Pork is deff not healthy.. go do some research and tell him why its not healthy to each pork. Turn the tables around.

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