Islamic marriage advice and family advice

The guilt is killing me!

guilt regret female

Assalamy Aleikum fellow muslims!

I am writing this because I have kept this to myself for so long and I am about to go crazy. I need your advice. Im going to try to make this not too long but I hope you will read through and maybe give me some advice.

Here we go...I always used to be religious when growing up. I praid everyday, fasted on ramadan and kept away from things that are haram (such as smoking and drinking etc...). I have always had strong faith in Allah SWT. I still do ofcourse. I also used to attend to islamic classes to learn read quran and get more knowledge about my religion.

Then I moved to another city and I got new friends and got to know people I shouldnt. That I just should have kept away from. Anyways, I met a boy at my school and we started talking and became friends and before I knew it I had fallen "in love" with him. Deep down I knew this was wrong but at the same time it felt right because I was so blinded by the feelings I had gotten for him. I was together with this guy for a year. In that one year he had managed to change me completely and I'd let him. I tried out smoking and drinking and all kind of stuff I shouldnt have.

Also I committed a very major sin that I had promised myself I would never committ. I committed zina. I was so blinded. I did it just because he wanted it. I had such strong feelings for him and allowed myself to cross my own limit. He encourged me to do all this things with him, like smoking and drinking and zina. when I was eith him I also stopped fasting and praying and reading quran. I dont even know what came over me.

After almost 1 year I realized that I couldnt continue like this. I thought of the hereafter and that I had done absolutely nothing good to save myself from the hellfire when the time of judgement comes. This terrified me and also I felt ashamed because I disobeyed Allah SWT. I broke up with him and I stopped all the haram stuff I got myself involved into. I broke contact with all the people and friends that had bad influence on me. I started to pray again, to fast and to recite quran. (IT HAS BEEN 1 YEAR NOW SINCE I BROKE UP WITH HIM AND I HAVE WHATSOEVER NO CONTACT WITH HIM ANYMORE.)

I repent and ask for forgiveness everyday in my prayers. I try to be a better muslim than I have ever been. Im trying to correct my mistakes and tell myself that I cant lose hope and that Allah SWT forgives those who repents. Even though it is very hard to move on from my past and create a better future for myself.

I regret so freakin much it kills me! It does not go one day that I dont think of my past. All the things I have done, especially zina. I am reminded of it every single day. When im at home, at work, at school and when I am with my friends and family. I have no joy left and Im sad all the time.

I am so depressed and angry with myself I become suicidal sometimes. (i know it is haram to commit suicide and I would never ever do it, but sometimes these thoughts cross my mind because of the regret i feel for what I have done).

I am so depressed that I cant focus at school or work. I have failed many exams and I cant consentrate when I am at work. I am so close to having a mental break down. couple months ago I was so depressed and in such a dark moment I skipped school and work for an entire week and locked myself in my room and cried all day and night because the regret and anger ate me alive from inside. I have not been happy for a single moment in about a year now because Im so depressed because of my past and my mistakes. If I could go back in time and undo everything I Would!

I cant go to sleep anymore without being angry at myself and being sad. I cant wake up anymore without being reminded of my past and become sad the moment I wake up. Whenever we have family dinners Im just sitting there in my own world and sad. My mom has noticed that Im depressed and she keeps asking me whats wrong but I cant tell her. My parents can never know this and Im so angry at myself that I let them down this way.

I try to forget the past and get over it. but It seems like I just cant. I think of it everyday and I cry everyday and I wish I was dead everyday. Im so scared that Allah SWT wont forgive me for my mistakes and that I have ruined my chances of getting Jannah. And I feel so bad that I let down Allah. He created me healthy and gave me good caring family and I did this in return. I feel so horrible and so angry and so devestated.

I seriously cant go one day without being sad or angry and feel disgusted with myself. Everytime I look in the mirror I seriously feel so dirty and disgusted with myself that I have to vomit. I dont think I will ever be able to forgive myself for what I have done and be "normal" again. I really really really want to make up for my past and move on with my life but its so hard. Its almost impossible to do so.

These emotions and this depression is taking over and Im about to fail school and im having bad thoughts of myself and It feels like im living in hell already.

Please someone advice me on how I can make myself feel better. What I can do to move on with my life and be happy again. I want to be a better muslim than I was yesterday and I want to focus on future but it all seems so impossible for me.

Noora95

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7 Responses »

  1. ^What kind of response is this brother? In no way is this a benefit to this sister or Islam.

    Anyways.

    Salam Sister,

    I understand your pain and struggle and feeling depressed. But Alhamdulilah, think about what happened? You knew at one point that what you did was wrong and decided to do a 360 turn to turn back to Allah. That itself is a blessing and you initiated it so good for you on that. Many people realize its wrong but never take that first step to improve and again I'm saying, Alhamdulilah, you took that step. So what does that mean? Allah gave you the opportunity to ask for forgiveness, he gave you his blessings to become better. That itself is a sign of forgiveness and mercy from Allah. Forgive yourself because Allah will certainly forgive you if you truly repent and I believe that you are since you have shared this story and seeking help to be better. Now it's time to heal and be thankful. Be happy because this dunya is temporary. Be happy that you are trying to come back to the straight path slowly but surely inshallah. We are not perfect but as long as we strive to ask for forgiveness and become better, Allah will be satisfied with that and give you his blessings. Alhamdulilah, that is what Islam is truly about and I hope you can see that being depressed for something which was from the PAST and cannot affect you anymore won't help you at all.

    You're in school so attend MSA events, halaqas, or even youtube about Islam and how Allah loves us, forgives us, and that this dunya is a test meant to prepare you for the Akhirah.

    May Allah forgive our sins, guide us towards Jannah, and be pleased with us Ameen!

    Hope this helps Sister 🙂

    Salam

  2. Aslamualiqum sis, Please make sure you dont commit this mistake again. ALLAH (swt) is very MERCIFUL, he forgives only if YOU promise him you wont that make mistake. SHAITAN had gotten into you. JUST try to keep ur self away from boys and bad people no matter what you do. I had made that mistake in my life befriending guys. There is no point, you are a strong girl:) DONT hate yourself my love. I am a sister as a well and i understand this point. As you must be young and fallen into the traps of someone who was just using you. Real LOVE usually should happen after you find someone for you after marriage:). I wish i could give you a big hug as i seem like u r so innocent like me. YOU JUST KEEP CRYING AND REPENTING TO ALLAH every day and dont make yourself seem so belittle.You seem like you are that kind of girl who regrets herself when she makes a mistake.

  3. Dear Noora95 sis,

    Please listen to this talk by Sh. Yasit Qadhi
    https://youtu.be/5ZQ5DPjgKx0

    The above lecture is really powerful. In shaa Allah it will put prespective to your life and should help you to keep things going in more positive light.

    And trust me sister - past is gone. You have to work for your future and you can only do this by working on your present today.

    No one is perfect. There are people who have lived absolutely Godly life through out their life but just before their death they end up committing awful sin ... sister Noora, no one knows at which point in our life we may slip but the sooner we realise our mistake the sooner we will turn to God for repentance. And now despite what you did in past, million times you should say Alhamdulillah for Allah swt guided you back towards His way. Please keep it going. Your past will be always be with you and you should only keep it between yourself and Allah swt - it is absolutely no one else's business - not your families and nor any potential husband's.

    And please don't dwell in to your past. It will not help you in any ways. What's done is done. Whenever your past comes in your mind just repent and always have firm believe that Allah swt is VAST merciful and so HE accepts all sincere repentance. And always thank Allah swt for guiding you now than much later.

    Focus on your studies. See where your interests are - is it academics like doctor, accountancy, lawyer, artichtic - - if so find out what you subjects you need to study to become that ...

    If academic is not your thing, then see if your interest is in any thing else like baking - if so then you can take baking courses and then eventually open your own baking where you can sign contracts with catering companies for your bakes. If baking is not your thing, then maybe makeup artist, custom designer, hair dresser, florists, videography and so many other things

    And if neither of above interests you then maybe you could do humanitarian work such as become a social worker, or do international development degree and work for third world countries ....

    My personal career is in accountancy but I also have great interest in my creative side so I am actually thinking to learn dress making soon. I also care about less developed individuals so here and there I do voluntary work to help those in need such as orphans ...

    Yes so basically sister Noora please work on your self ( Islam and yourself on secular level too). Start to be positive again. Involve yourself in your family matters and see if you can resolve your family problems. Go outing with your family and always try to have a lovely smile on your face 🙂 and if ever you feel down, of course cry and pray to Allah swt to guide you and make things easy for you.
    Also make time for your friends. Go out for brunch, lunch or dinner with them. Do some amazing fun activities together. ..

    Sister Noora95, all above will take time but in shaa Allah you will be fine if you work on yourself. Allah swt have said that our condition will not change until we don't try to bring positive changes in ourself:

    "Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves." QURAN 13:11

    Best wishes and you are in my duas Xxx

    Love,
    Sistet Me

  4. Sister Noora

    in addition all advice above i would suggest you following.
    The best remedy to release this burden is that ,from now you start counselling other colleagues, friends,see your youngers to guide them to avoid the same trap you were fallen in .There will be many others like you who still be in this fake love and by your timely guidance they may protect themselves from falling into the trap set by their boyfriends and committing the forbidden act .
    As you know this fake love first allure and fascinate every one and then make failure to every one in this world as well as in Hereafter.
    Imagine if you saved even a single friend how satisfying and healing to your soul it would be and definitely Allah Kareem will be most happy with you.The best repentance from a sin is that you help others to avoid it bcz you have tasted the bitterness of the fruit.give them tips how to avoid being in that situation.

    May Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala forgive the weaknesses and wrong doings of every one and guide to right path.

  5. And Peace be unto you,

    Alright, you need to take your Iman to a very, very high level to let go of your guilt. And don't waste your time in counseling, therapy, or taking psychotic meds, that's all Christian crap!

    Allah says in the Quran "Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest." (13:28)

    So to take your Iman to a very high level, what I would suggest is to fast and pray like Dawood (peace be upon him) and you don't need to do it all your life. Just one month of praying and fasting like Dawood (peace be upon him) should be enough to bury your guilt deep enough.

    How did Dawood (peace be upon him) pray and fast?

    'Abdullah Ibn Amr Ibn Al-As narrated: "Allah's Apostle said to me: 'The most beloved fasting to Allah was the fasting of (the Prophet) David, who used to fast alternate days. And the most beloved prayer to Allah was the prayer of David, who used to sleep for (the first) half of the night and pray for one third of it and (again) sleep for a sixth of it."
    Abdullah Ibn Amr Ibn Al-As also narrated: 'The Prophet said to me: 'I have been informed that you pray all the nights and observe fast all the days; is this true?' I replied: 'Yes.' He said: 'If you do so, your eyes will be weak and you will get bored. So fast three days a month, for this will be the fasting of a whole year. (Or equal to the fasting of a whole year).' I said: 'I find myself able to fast more.' He said: 'Then fast like the fasting of (the Prophet) David who used to fast on alternate days and would not flee on facing the enemy."

  6. "Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent." - a wise man.

  7. Sister, you have repented and Allah will forgive you, inshAllah! You have a future, please make that future the way Allah wants us to be! Just never go near those friends and bad influences, keep yourself away from them and get close to Allah, for He is the Most Merciful!!

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