Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Troubled with materialistic in laws

My in-laws are causing trouble in my marriage.

Toxic in-laws.

Assalamualaikum, I got married four months ago, my mother in law is my mother's sister but my in laws are very different from us.

My parents are very noble, kind hearted and patient towards their children and never demanded anything from them. My in-laws are always talking about money. I have one brother in law and one sister in law who is married, both are well settled, my husband is living in europe, he is well mannered and well educated, he has just started his business so he is not having money right now to give to his parents.

My mother in law interferes in every matter of me even she will force me what to buy and if she doesn't like she will not let me buy. I spend 4 months with them and they made me realize again and again that my husband is not settled. There was a lot of difference in their behaviour with me and with their daughter who was giving them favours. They didn't buy me anything in these  months and spend all their money on themselves and daughter. I know I am not their responsibility but they should have taken care of me if they want me to take care of them.

After marriage my husband lived in pakistan (our home country) for 2 months with us. Then he went back. My mother in law was thinking that I will live with her for almost one year waiting for visa. She started burdening me with household work.

My sister in law was also living there as she gave birth to her first baby. My in laws were all involved in playing with baby and expected me to do all the work and deal with guests.

My parents brought me up with intricate care and never forced me into something I didnt want to do. I was fed up. I prayed to Allah to send me to my husband and asked my husband too that I don't wanna live here.

Surprisingly, I got my visa in just one week. and when my in laws realized that I am going, first of all they resisted and asked my husband to don't call me there this soon as it will increase his financial burden. He resisted and said he will manage.

Then their behaviour changed and my mother in law started working in kitchen again. My father in law reminded me again n again that we must send them lots of money as soon as possible. My husband doesn't want me to do job as he takes lots of care of me. My father in law suggested me again n again to do job in europe and me n my husband send them money, they will make properties there and will save it for us. He asked me to send half of our income to them and indirectly threatened that they will come there if we don't send them our income.

I also want to mention that they are very judgemental and pass derogatory comments on everything I do, like on my cooking, sleeping times etc. After our marriage when we talked about honeymoon my MIL declared firmly that we are not going anywhere and maybe next year we will go. Then she showed interest in going with us on our honeymoon!! But my husband is very kind and supportive and in spite of her resistance and critical comments on everything he took me to honeymoon.

My husband has a bright future InshaAllah as he is very talented and dedicated. But I am frightened that whenever he will get settled they will force him to call them here to live with us just to control his income. I have reached at the conclusion that I DON'T want to live with them but my husband is very loving towards his every relation and I think he can't refuse them. They know how to emotionally blackmail and how to compel him. I have no issue in his sending them money sufficient for their needs but I don't want them to make properties from our money and I don't want them to live with me.

Please suggest me how to cope with this situation as this thought is haunting me every moment of my life. Is he bound to call them here in our house if they demand? Even knowing that they are very authoritative and judgemental and I can't live in peace with them?


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6 Responses »

  1. Asalam Alekum sister
    You cannot expect change to happen within a short time, you need patients
    they are your parent Inlaw you must have a lot of respect towar them . All elder people demand things ,where every now and then they change their minds.
    At least your husband cares for you and you should thank Allah for this.
    The honeymoon you were talking about is NOT Islamic.

    There is one Dua the Prophet ( sallahu alayhi wa Salam) made When he was in distress.

    إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ الْهَمِّ وَالْحُزْنِ وَالْعَجْزِ وَالْكَسَلِ وَالْبُخْلِ وَالْجُبْنِ وَضَلَعِ الدَّيْنِ وَغَلَبَةِ الرِّجَالِ

    Allahumma inni a'udhu bika minal-hammi wal-Ḥuzni wal-'ajazi wal-kasli wal-bukhli wal-jubni wa ḍalaEid-dayni wa ghalabatir-rijal.

    O Allah, I take refuge in You from anxiety and sorrow, weakness and laziness, miserliness and cowardice, the burden of debts and from being overpowered by men.
    Also sister seek comfort through reciting: ‘Hasbunallahu wa Ni’mal-Wakeel [Allah (Alone) is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs (for us)]“.

    • thanks for the reply. i hope it will help me. honeymoon is not unislamic. maybe this term is western but it means a chance for a new couple to spend some time separately in a good environment so that you both get to know each other. My parents are also elder, but they never made any demand from their children(including sons). Parents have right that their children should take care of them but they should not be that controlling. I believe they should not wish to control all of the income of their son or daughter or even daughter in law(as in my case). And what if they expect from their daughter in law to do all house chores for them? is she a slave or what?

    • Your reply is really strange.

      Wanting to live alone with one's husband is not disrespecting one's in-laws. Furthermore, how is going on a honeymoon unIslamic? People have this notion in their brain that all people go and do unIslamic things on a honeymoon--but it could be simply be getaway close by so that the couple get to know each other. If you want to talk about unIslamic--it is unIslamic to want your daughter-in-law NOT live with your son and it is unIslamic to expect your daughter-in-law to work and send half of her money.
      Furthermore, if it is unIslamic to go on a honeymoon--why did the MIL later approve, but just want to tag along? Ick.

      • thanks for the support sister. I also believe that there is nothing islamic in these acts but it's rather unawareness from islamic values. It's very easy to exploit people in the name of islam and in the name of parent's rights(limitless as they perceive).

  2. @Muhmus,

    I do not agree with you that the honeymoon is not Islamic. Whatever name you may call, a honeymoon or a trip for a couple, this is their marriage and their parents should respect it as long as they can afford it and provided that it is not extravagant. I think the mother-in-law does not know the limit and she is still attached to her son emotionally and physically. By the way, is it "ISLAMIC" the way the mother-in-law treating her?

    For you sister, congrats for the visa. Things will change rapidly and may be much better inshallah. At this point, there is nothing much you can do except respect them and serve them till the last day you leave the house. Let them talk and express their wants, do not confront them or try to make them understand that it is out of your control. They will not understand as the older generation always think anyone working abroad will earn "big money".

    When you go living with your husband, there is no guarantee that you will find a job as the unemployment rate is very high in Europe. The best way for you is to learn the language well and get a degree or some sort of qualification from that country even you have a degree in your country. We are talking about at least 4-5 years by then. There will be lots of changes in life, you may have a baby, inshallah; you may land on a job, inshallah and the situation from you in-laws may change too. Don't worry too much about something that you cannot control.

    Also, the fact that applying the in-laws to live with their son is not that easy either. Who knows, they may be happy to live on their own as long as you both keep sending them money. One thing I need to remind you that is never to expose your finance situation to your in-laws. You and your husband is a family now and should set up a boundary of your own from them. It does not mean disrespect, it means that you are now independent from them. (The problem arises in most subcontinent culture is the blurry boundary between in-laws relationship. The in-laws/parents still think they have the ultimate control of their sons/daughter. They do not know how to respect the boundary.) Send them money for their necessity but not for luxury. Their request to send half of the money you earn is not realistic at all. They have no knowledge of the living expenses there. I think they will be shocked to hear how much to rent a place in Europe or how much is a bunch of spring onion! The mother-in law should have known that his son does not earn too much at this stage. Inshallah, may be he will get promoted or may be he will land on another better paid job!

    Do you see that there is a lot of "MAY BE". I hope I lay out a more realistic picture in front of you. There is no need for you to worry about the future that you cannot control of. The bright side is you will united with your husband soon! I hope you find peace when joining your husband and support each other emotionally and spiritually.

    • @ sr. K, thanks you so much for your reply. It's a relief for me indeed. it has been more than one month since i am in europe with my husband. He is very kind and cooperative with me. I am more than happy to be with him AlhamduLillah. My in-laws are still troubling me at times. when i was moving here until the last day of my departure my MIL was very rude to me because inside she was very displeased that i am going to live with my husband. Whenever she calls him, she says that your financial burden must have increased due to her living with you, and he always says no, its the same. Because i never demanded anything unnecessary from him. She asks about my activities, what do i do here all the day, what did i cook, how did i cook? she asks so many questions about my husband's business. it seems like she wanna know each and every detail about our life. I still find her controlling.

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