Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Used and tricked by fiancé

Muslim woman

Hi,

I’m 21 and and live in the states. A distant cousin of mine that I knew and had been good friends with his family expressed interest in me. I had him as my parents permission to talk to me and he told me he wanted to marry me so I I told him to keep in contact with my family and for his family to keep in contact with mine was well to ensure nothing would go wrong and I told him that o wanted to do things the right way. He agreed but the. He started being really flirty and implying things that I felt were really inappropriate. I told him to to stop and I didn’t want to do anything wrong and he said I had to control him.

I told him he was responsible for not pushing me either and respecting that if we wanted our marriage and engagement to work out we had to do things right. He told me I was right and he loved me because I was good. He was the first man I’d ever spoken to about marriage or any sort of relationship and I didn’t have any experience. Even after that he kept pushing and The. Stared telling me that I should be more comfortable with him and trust him and assume the best of him because he talked to my dad about marrying me and his parents because we were distant cousins he wouldn’t do anything bad to me because of family ties and that he loved me. I started getting confused and started to believe him. He was in Morocco so he couldn’t touch me. He kept pushing me to send him kisses through the phone and send emojis that i felt were inappropriate and to call him baby. He said it bothered him that I was more conservative. He said I should trust him that when I come to Morocco we could get married and he would give a ring. He begged my mom to convince my dad to come with me to Morocco so we could get married. But my dad didn’t want to.

I went to Morocco with my sister and he gave me a ring with his family and told me I should be more comfortable with him and that i was his wife. By then things got weird and he took me to the woods one time with his sister and mine then started making jokes about raping me. When we were alone he would touch me innapropriatly and kiss me and I started to feel safe because he kept calling me his wife and telling me I should trust him and I felt bad about not trusting him. But then I went to another city where i was teaching and he would get mad at me a lot over strange things. He would tell me I didn’t have to wear my hijab and I would tell him no. He would video chat me when I was out and his friends would be in the background laughing and he told me they were making fun of him for being in love. He got mad at me because he said I should have been there with him but I couldn’t. He got mad at me because I had mentioned wanting flowers and he kept telling me I only see the bad and not the good. He accused me of telling my aunts about our engagement becausethey weren’t supposed to know about it but I didn’t. He kept snapping and saying things like I was making my self a burden because I was really confused and overwhelmed and he said that he knew it was my first love story and I was inexperienced but I needed to control my emotions. He kept saying that I always assumed the worst and I really started to go crazy and feel really depressed. He told me he had to be cold with me because if he kept giving me love is keep wanting more.

The last day I was in Morocco he came but he kept making rude comments and he told me i affected his judgement and took up his work time. He got mad when my mom asked him what was going on and told me I shouldn’t go to anyone about our problems. And then he took me to the movies he said he wanted to kiss me. But then he put his hands down my pants and then he pushed me and bit me really hard on my breast until all the veins popped and it really hurt. I was confused and didn’t stop him because he was really mad. He asked me to put his hands down his pants and I didn’t do it and I think he got mad. After that he left and said goodbye. And I asked about why he did it and he said it was so I could remember it. I didn’t want another fight so I didn’t say anything but later he told me that he didn’t enjoy his time with me in the theater because it wasn’t like he imagined and he wanted to start over but I said no and I told my mother everything that happened. He kept insulting me and telling me I did nothing for him and that I would do anything for his touches. He said it scared him that I couldn’t make him come and I told him we had agreed to wait until marriage and he didn’t stick to it. He said he had experience and if he says something Is wrong somethings wrong.

But now I’m so lost and confused and it’s been almost two months and I don’t know if everything was my fault or what I could have changed. I feel so guilty about it everyday. I tried to ask him for an explanation but he blocked me and ignored my mom when she contacted him and insulted my dad when he confronted him about it. I feel so down and depressed everyday and I don’t known how I lost myself in this and my values and feel broken because of it. Could you give me some advice please. I really want to get better and go back to who I was because I’m not a bad person. I’d never done anything with a guy or talked to a guy before him and I feel confused about myself and how I fell for his lies. Sometimes I hate him and sometimes I miss him and wonder if it was my fault because i didn’t control him and I let him make me that way. He’s 8 years older than me.

Ima209

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4 Responses »

  1. Dear ima209
    Assalamalekum..
    From what you describe of the cousin of yours and his behaviour, in my opinion he is a bad news, very cheap and you you are better off without him..my advice would be to break off any connection with him.Clearly you are uncomfortable with him and his advances. He does not sound like a gentel man.he is manipulative & sick. Allah knows best.
    You deserve a lot better InshaAllah. Your should not have been exposed to this.
    Do istekarah and pray for a good spouse.

    May Allah guide you. Do Astagfar with Kasrah InshaAllah, you will get over it all.

    MsZS

  2. Sister I am very sorry that this had happened to you. and I just hope everything becomes better for you. Why, because a woman like you , is a true woman. A woman of god , a woman who fears god and chooses him over their desires. May god give you more baraka.

    Your so called "man", has a very manipulative and aggressive traits. Men like this you stay away from. No man should make you do things that you're not comfortable with. He sounds very disturbed for him to be joking about raping you in the woods , that is very crazy since you guys are still strangers and not even married properly. Your kind of marriage isn't traditional hence why the excuse "you're my wife etc" is not valid. You guys barely know each other.

    You should never do anything that doesn't sit right with you. No matter if you're experienced or not. Other than that stay strong sister. move on from this shaitan.

  3. all i can say is u do not deserve this kind of man. forget and Leave him.. or u will suffer to miserable life with him. he is not serious to you and no respect from him.. respect is very important in marriage life. think of ur self first before his happiness..

  4. I think everyone above has given you good and true advice- I agree with them.

    Leave him and move on.
    You definitely deserve better. And don't let this episode win this disgusting man make you feel guilty.
    You tried your best to stop him, he was just manipulative. But you're a strong woman! You didn't give into his advances.

    Break the engagement off with him. And you weren't his "wife" as he claims - this is only when the nikkah is done. You've actually had a lucky escape and you've been able to see what a monster he is before the nikkah.

    He is not a gentleman at all- I would have decked him one if he tried that with me. Anyways...., he best advice is echoing those above - leave him; please do not commit to this person who does not deserve you.

    And always remember that when a non-mehrem man and woman are together, the third is shaitaan.

    All the best x

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