I want divorce, but my mother will not agree
Divorce?
Salaams!
I am after some advice, I got married 2 months ago, I didn't really have a good feeling about the marriage. At first I did say no to the marriage, but my mum became very angry and started to pressure me, my dad saw mum upset and he started to pressure me too. After a day or two the whole family started to pressure me.
I'd cry and plead telling them that I don't want to get married to him, but they wouldn't accept my answer in the end I was convinced that he was the best I could do and so I agreed. I could see that my mum was happy and seemed very sure it would work, so I married him with the hope that Allah will fulfil my mums prayers and keep us happy..
However he wasn't as nice as he made out, he would always put me down and make me feel so inferior to him. He would also get very angry, and always put me down about my deen, always questioning me and my faith in Allah, made me feel as if I was the worst Muslim.
After 5 weeks of being married he told me that he is physically stronger than me, and that Allah allows men to force themselves on their wives, and that there is nothing anything can say or do because he is allowed to do whatever he pleases. I know that Allah will never allow rape in marriage. Since he said this to me I feel sick whenever I'm in the same room as him, I shake and feel so disgusted. I can't look at him properly.
It has got to the point where I have lost all my faith, I have become so depressed that unfortunately I am finding it hard to even turn towards Allah, I struggle to simply pray although I do, I don't do it how I used to with excitement.
I told my parents what has been happening, they told him to leave for a while but now because his family are shouting at my parents, they are blackmailing me to bring him back home. They said they'll kick me out if I don't bring him back, but I can't. I am so terrified of him, and I can't remove what he said and done out of my head, he has scarred me for life and I know I can never look at him the same.
My parents find it very hard to believe that he behaves so disgustingly towards me as when he is around the elders he acts very shy, quiet and gentle but when wet alone he turns into this monster. I never expected him to turn out this way.
We live with my parents because he is here in the UK on a student visa
Please someone help me because I can't go on like this 🙁 I feel sick, I can't eat and lost so much weight. I never imagined my marriage would turn out like this. And being a Bengali typical Bengali elders always blame the wife, don't know what to do anymore. Please someone advise me.
~ muslimsista
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Asaalamualaikum,
Apart from what you have mentioned, what I presume is that you are living in a misunderstanding. The mention of him being stronger and so on may have been meant in another sense. You may have misunderstood what he meant and perhaps you are over-reacting. This is just my opinion, because I do not know what is in your heart or his heart. Allah Knows Best.
I could not understand the part where you said that he was asked to leave and his parents want him back. Do you live with his parents or yours? And did your parents ask him to leave from your home? And who threatens to "kick you out of the house"?
If your parents asked him to leave, due to your complains without asking him about it, they were wrong. They should sit down, discuss and if you have a misunderstanding, you should clarify. A woman is equal to a man in Islam, but some differences are obvious such as he is the leader of the house, and so on. So I presume you have misunderstood and advise you to have patience and seek clarification what he says instead to coming to conclusions without discussions.
I would also like to talk a little about your wedding. My sister, before you got into the relation, you had the freedom to say NO to it and stand firm upon it. But for the fact that you have agreed and hoped that it will work out, you should try to be wise, learn what it takes to be a good muslimah and a good wife, and act upon it with trust in Allah.
I say this because divorce is not a play, it is not something that is sold for a penny at the grocery store. It is a serious matter. And it is not allowed for you to ask for divorce without valid shar'i reasons.
It is dangerous, because of the following hadith:
Thawbân narrated that the Messenger of Allâh ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said: ``Whichever woman seeks Khul` from her husband without harm (cause), then the scent of Paradise will be unlawful for her.'' ( Sahih) (Abu `Eisâ said:) This Hadith is Hasan .
Having said this, you are not obliged to "suffer". Having tried to reconcile, if it doesn't work out and you have a valid shar'i reason, you could ask for divorve but this should not be the first step as the world considers. A little disagreement results in a divorce. This is ignorance. We should mutually help each other and save relationships.
So sister, give it a try by taking it in the positive sense and be wise. Read the following books and those which may help you in deen:
Muslim woman and her husband: http://d1.islamhouse.com/data/en/ih_books/single2/en_The_Muslim_Woman_and_Her_Husband.pdf
Ideal Muslimah: http://www.kalamullah.com/Books/The%20Ideal%20Muslimah.pdf
Etiquette of Marriage: http://abdurrahman.org/women/etoquetteofmarriagewedding.html
Make sure you act according to the Sharee'ah and do not make Allah Angry. And if you choose to stay with him, then be an ideal wife. Read the books I have mentioned and work on it.
I pray to Allah that He Makes your married life a bliss
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
But does her "consent" count as an islamically legit one when she only gave it out of pressure from her family? I mean, if a consent that is based on pressure is islamically accepted then anyone can, with a good conscience, pressure, manipulate and push their child until the child finally breaks down and says yes.
It is clear from her post that she consented because she was convinced but things did not work out as she expected. So it does not fall under "forced marriage" because she was convinved about it. She says:
"in the end I was convinced that he was the best I could do and so I agreed"
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
Brother, your advise was good and everything but you are clearly ignoring the other verbal abuse she says she receives from her husband, making her feel like a bad Muslim and so on....and also that he acts totally different around other people.
How do you know he won't deny her accusations and act differently in front of others? Such as if both families get together, etc.
Also, even if he acts good during reconciliation period and admits his faults, then revert back to his old self(people don't change that easily) won't it be hard for the sister to complain to her family again?
It's good you considered his side. Consider her condition more carefully as well.
Sister i strongly advice you to seek divorce only if you dont like him and feel you are forced by your family. Marraiges like this never works out and there is only heartache anger and regrets in the future! If you have kids in the future they will suffer too.
If you truly dont want your life with this man then end your marraige now! Do not listen to your parents and their emotional blackmail! They are doing wrong and have messed up your life! sister im talking from experience, i have two beautiful kids Alhmdulh and im still married but suffering everyday.
Your parents just want to make this man legal in uk.. They dont care about your life and your feelings!. Is he your cousin?? if only i could go back in time i would have packed his bag and kick him back home.
"sister im talking from experience, i have two beautiful kids Alhmdulh and im still married but suffering everyday."
"if only i could go back in time i would have packed his bag and kick him back home."
Then why don't you get divorced then...
salaam
it is not that easy
Are u married and have kids??
@asim. If not then you have no idea what its like! im doing jihad. I stay because of my kids asim. Its called not being SELFISH. try it.
"Its called not being SELFISH. try it."
Ok, I merely asked a question and Sister Fozia answered respectfully. Why couldn't you do the same? I didn't mean to offend I am NOT perfect in anyway but one thing I am NOT is selfish - if you want to act like a petulant baby because I merely asked a question then that's fine.
salaam
sister leave i am also talking from experience i have two children and suffered a misscarriage because he hit me and now i have got away from him and no longer living in fear and i was raped by him on a daily basis he used to say the same nonses that a husband can force intercourse on his wife don't listen to that and don't let your parents blackmail you you can get help from womens aid british embasy police they will help you with housing rent income
if you need more detail just say on here and i will
allah hafiz
I think it is not correct to ask the sister straight away to seek divorce or leave, and more importantly, go against her parents, leave home etc. She should try to first make things work.
Experience counts, Allah is most wise and will help you sisters also inshaAllah, however, divorce should not be first at all, if everything fails, all efforts are fruitless, then divorce maybe chosen.
salaam
dear brother this sister fears for her life and fears been raped she did not by any means agree to this marriage "BY HER OWN FREE WILL" and this is some think you need to understand and if i am not wrong from how the sister is speaking it does not sound like they have consumated the marriage
how can you say that she should try to make it work when the so called hubby is violating her every right this early in the marriage
sister fozia,
I don't think there is enough information to conclude that the man is violating every right. Misunderstandings make the relations weaker and lead to divorce. This should be the final step as Abdul Azeem says. We do not know if the couple is incompatible or if the sister just feels so. Allah Knows Best. We should always try to join relationships wherever possible. We should think a hundred times before advising someone to seek separation.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I think you are concluding too much, if you just read your post again brother then you will see that throughout the entire text you are putting the blame on the sister, that she is not trying hard enough, is it not better for a divorce to happen now rather after kids are involved.
i am not saying that divorce should be taken lightly but at times it is the solution, marriage is a union of two souls not a dominance of one over another.
Divorce is not to be taken lightly, as you said. This is why I am trying to make an attempt to let the poster have a discussion with her husband and clarify misunderstandings, if any (And I am presuming that this is the case).
Sister thinks he is dominating, but we do not know if this is true or his words were misinterpreted.
Hence, she should keep divorce out of options for now, and try to solve problems. If nothing works, the inevitable decision COULD be divorce. Wallahu A'lam.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salaam
At first I did say no to the marriage, but my mum became very angry and started to pressure me, my dad saw mum upset and he started to pressure me too. After a day or two the whole family started to pressure me
my dear brother i think you should read her story again and fully understand it
1) she did not have a good feeling about it
2) she said NO
3) her mum emotionally blackmailed her
4) her father emotionally blackmailed her
5) the rest of the family blackmailed her
after all this she acceptded to marry JUST TO PLEASE HER PARENTS NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGER
SHOULD I GO ON
Exactly! Her parents has done her wrong. They are bad parents for destroying their daughters life. Forced marraige is NOT allowed in islam! Why should she wait longer or years then feel trapped with kids and scars of unhappy marraige. Bad marraige makes people bitter and full of hate and regrets!. Parents like these should not have kids.
Assalaamualaikam
Sister, I'm so sorry that your married life has started out this way and that you are struggling. It can be hard for people to adjust to married life even if circumstances are optimal, so when there are complicating issues such as parental coercion and overinvolvement it's even harder.
Your husband's comment about men being able to force themselves on women and do what they want seems to have greatly upset you. Have you discussed this with him? He may have meant something else but misspoken, or he may have lashed out in anger? If he does not know why you are upset, he can't try to fix it.
If your marital problems are due to communication problems, then you could try sitting down with a mediator (someone neutral) to see if you can resolve things. If you feel too anxious to meet him in person, you could speak by telephone initially.
If you fear for your safety, and he has been physically or psychologically abusive, you should not stay to suffer further. Although divorce should be considered only once all hope of reconciliation is lost and all possible alternatives have been considered, you should never stay in a dangerous and abusive relationship.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
You don't need your mother's permission to get a divorce. I can understand that you don't want to upset and disappoint her, but...honestly, your mother has no business in choosing your husband for you and whether or not you can get a divorce! It's not her decision to make, it's your's! Sure, she will get mad and upset, but she will get over it at some point. You can't stay in a marriage for the sake of her...what if you have children, do you really want this man to be the father of them? Do you want him to teach your son that he can rape his wife?
Asalam Alaikum Sister muslimsista I can understand your situation and what you are feeling now because I was in the same situation but mine was different from yours I had valid reason for it, it was also arranged married with my cousin whom I never meet and was in another country, he wasn't a practicing man, I asked him divorce first everyone was against it but letter on my family realize it told to free me Alhamdullilah he did.
but sister married is a lifetime matter, you need to sit with him, try to study him, and at least try to know who he is, why he is acting this way..... may be he feels the same thing you feel.....
as you said you stayed with him 5 weeks, you said "whenever I'm in the same room as him, I shake and feel so disgusted. I can't look at him properly" . you can't judge a person you don't know, you don't talk to him.
and for the rape he is your husband and he has right for your body, you have to fulfill his needs towards you.
Don't let Satan take advantage of you sister.
pray to Allah and do Istakhara only Allah knows the Best.
May Allah make it easy for you sister.
salaam
they both have rights to each others body only if they both agreed to the marriage from there OWN FREE WILL which is not what has happened here, you should not send mixed messages with out explaining it yes ok if they both have a right has husband and wife that does not mean one or the other has to give it just couse it is asked of them
BUT THEY HAVE TO BRING THE HUSBAND'S OR WIFE'S MOOD TO IT WITH A LOVING AND SOFTLY APPROACH BOTH SHOULD BE HAPPY TO PROCEED
Alaykumsalam,
At first when you were against this marriage, you should have remained firm in your 'NO' till your parents give up but instead you gave up anyways since now you are married, first try your best to make it work and if everything fails then you may consider divorce but remember that divorcing without valid reason will not give you paradise. Its also funny I guess for some users above to say that you married out of your own free will/forced, yes you were pressured into it but you said "in the end I was convinced that he was the best I could do and so I agreed, now you are his legally wedded wife.
Furthermore, in my opinion too, it seems a big misunderstanding between you and your husband. It also seems as though there is a lack of sensible communication between you both. When your husband said " he is stronger than you", "he is allowed to do whatever he pleases " etc, it maybe possible he is talking about this verse (Quran 2:223) "Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how you will; but do some good act for your souls beforehand; and fear Allah. And know that you are to meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give (these) good tidings to those who believe." and the misunderstanding started. Whatever it is, did he even forced you to intercourse ? Know that your husband has rights over your body but he should not force you and you should not deny without any reason. Sayyiduna Talq ibn Ali (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “When a man calls his wife for sexual intimacy, she should come, even if she is (busy) in the cooking area.” (Sunan al-Tirmidhi & Sunan al-Nasa’i)
Sayyiduna Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “By the one in whose hands is my life, there is not a man who calls his wife for sexual intimacy and she refuses him except that Allah becomes angry with her until her husband is pleased with her.” (Sahih Muslim)
Imam al-Nawawi (Allah have mercy on him) states in his commentary on the Hadith of Abu Huraira stated above:
“This Hadith indicates that it is haram for the wife to refuse her husband for sexual intimacy without a valid reason. Menstruation will not be considered a valid reason, for the husband has a right to enjoy her from above the garment (on top of cloths).”
Therefore, try to clear your mind from possible misunderstanding and have patience, be willing, so that no forcing occurs.
If its possible, do visit a counselor or bring in mediators to help solve problems or let an imam talk to your hubby, perhaps it might help. Try talking to your husband politely and wisely, explaining to him your feelings and make him understand. Be the best wife you can be with no ill feelings, pray your daily prayers, read Quran, observe hijab etc so that he might be able to see you as great muslimah. Just give it some more time, marriage should be about love, compassion, compromises, understanding, sacrifices etc.
But if everything fails and he is who he was then you may opt for khula. But know that, in my opinion, being a divorcee makes life difficult sometimes (keeping in mind your Bangladeshi background), so if your husband isn't really a monster and he has good deen, you may want to hold on to him, if he is a huge one, then you know whats next. Pray salat al istikhara for Allah's guidance insha'Allah for next decision.
Never lose faith in Allah, this might be your test and never turn away infact to Him you must turn in humility and ask of help, mercy and blessings. If everything is lost, you'll only have Allah and so be gratefull of what you have good with you and have patience with what bad happens.
A husband has a right over his wife, but there is a way to approach her - it is fine that you posted those Hadiths, but you should balance that information about how a husband should approach his wife. He has to fulfill her needs and be loving and kind towards her. It is ridiculous and unkind to expect your wife to be intimate by telling her that you are stronger than her and can force yourself on her. (Gross!)
Imam al-Daylami (Allah have mercy on him) records a narration on the authority of Anas ibn Malik (Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) is reported to have said:
“One of you should not fulfil one’s (sexual) need from one’s wife like an animal, rather there should be between them foreplay of kissing and words.” (Musnad al-Firdaws Of al-Daylami, 2/55)
Everyone keeps quoting the part where she says in the end she agreed...but blatantly ignore her comment about him forcing himself on her. That type of behaviour from a husband, frankly speaking, is disgusting.
Sister, talk to your husband. Do your best. Get counselling from a Muslim and try to work it out. After doing your best, only then consider divorce. You have a right to your happiness. InshaAllah, may it work out for you and I pray for you.
Do not pay attention to those that do not understand how forced marriage works--unfortunately, it happens and a lot blackmailing goes on. It is very traumatic for those who have gone through it when the people you trust put you through that horror. In the end, you say yes, because that is why it is called forced marriage! If it didn't exist, the girl would say no at the end. It must exist and that is why in Islam it is prohibited!
You do have to suffer the consequences now though. I pray that Allah makes it better for you and brings you ease - and I honestly pray that you and your husband come to an understanding where your marriage is full of love and peace. Ameen.
salaam
well said sister Saba
Assalam'alaykum,
I said the same thing :),
" Sexual intimacy " usually means to be " Sexually intimate" which includes foreplay and not only the actual act of 'penetration' ! Therefore, this hadith I posted is enough said and balancing is not required for those who understand the terms!, “When a man calls his wife for sexual intimacy, she should come, even if she is (busy) in the cooking area.” (Sunan al-Tirmidhi & Sunan al-Nasa’i) because obviously 'forcing' in anything is wrong.
Secondly you said,
Ignoring which comment ? We keep quoting that part "she agreed" thats because its evident in her post but NO WHERE in her post did she mention that her husband 'forced' himself on her instead she said
therefore her husband was only TALKING and thats why some of us thought that 'misunderstanding' occured. We advise only with the given information and we don't want to assume worst. and as we said, if she was willing to be intimate with her husband, then forcing would be out of question and if she has valid reason to deny intimacy, her husband must not force her instead be patient.
Sometimes its good to read multiple times.
I can't imagine that most men would understand her statement
"I know that Allah will never allow rape in marriage. Since he said this to me I feel sick whenever I'm in the same room as him, I shake and feel so disgusted. I can't look at him properly."
There must be reason for her to make that statement. Your comment disturbed me because it leaned towards her husband more. I read it multiple times and her posts as well--thank you for your advice though, but please be aware how your post appears as well--to me it doesnt seem balanced. You also, offered your opinion: "Furthermore, in my opinion too, it seems a big misunderstanding between you and your husband. It also seems as though there is a lack of sensible communication between you both."
All problems between husband and wife are misunderstandings. but according to her it seems his thinking is rather strange, in MY opinion. Also, agreeing in the end to a forced marriage doesnt mean it wasn't forced--hence, FORCED marriage.
I think we should bring validity to her statements and not brush them all off. She certainly doesn't sound like she is happy about her intimacy with her husband, even if she was "willing." That word is beginning to be used loosely.
All the best to the OP, my prayers are with you.
Firstly I'm not leaning towards her husband's side, If I was, I would have criticized her behaviour, which I never did but instead I told her that there may be some 'misunderstanding'. Its very simple, her husband came from Bangladesh and so there communication might be in Bangla and in Bangla we have very different way of communicating that if we literally translate them in english, it sounds funny. for example, in bangla theres a sentence like " Ami batash Kaitam " which literally translates " I want to eat air " but its meaning is like ' I'm going to get some fresh air ' or it is possible that her husband spoke in broken english and so all these have to be kept in mind. "Misscommunication" is very common between a person who came from bangladesh or elsewhere and the one born and brought up in uk. She made that statement because her husband said " he is physically stronger than me", this statement made by her husband might have reference to this verse, “Men are in charge of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means”[al-Nisa’ 4:34] and he also said "he is allowed to do whatever he pleases" which may have reference to this verse, "Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how you will;(2:223) and she use the word 'force' but force has many meanings and words in bangla and thats why we said its clearly a misunderstanding. If she can only clear her mind of these misunderstandings and be optimistic (that is only if her husband never forced himself on her) and then she can gurantee that her husband would be nice hopefully.
May Allah guide her and her husband.
salaam
علي بن عبد الله آل الشيخ you need to understand in the first sentance you pick and paste "he was the best I could do and so I agreed" WHY he was not the only man on this planet and she herself says " I didn't really have a good feeling about the marriage" i think you need to try and understand how these famlies work they leacture you so much it is called BRAIN WASHING THAT EVEN IF YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE RIGHT AT THE BEGINING BY THE TIME THEY HAVE FININSHED YOU WILL BE SAYING THEY ARE RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG
sister fozia, I wonder how you know muslimsista's family so well 😀
It is clear that she agreed and was convinced that he was the man, but she says that he pretended to be what he was not. It makes it clear that she gave a positive consent, being convinced. There is no necessity of assumptions in this case. And hence, the nikah was valid, but problems rose, this is why people have advised her to sit down with him and try to solve the problems, clarify misunderstandings and begin anew.
The solution is not "divorce at the first fight". This is ignorance. And the hadith of Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam quoed above is applicable here.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
In the end she's convinced. Period.
If you cannot stand a man, that is a valid reason for divorce! lol.
Islam is not some kind of jail subhanallah.
Sister, you need to go to an imam who is not desi and explain your case instead of online where yur going to get home made fatwas from people with no expeirence. cutting and pasting GENERAL fatawa do not apply in specific situations that make the case and resulting solution different.
I been reading all the arguments going on in this post from the beginning. I don't know why always man (not always but most) are to be blamed for anything when marriage goes wrong? I am also a women but sometimes I dont get it that everytime anything in married life have problem always man are bad! Are we women that really good all the time? We don't have any faults? If it's so then why our beloved prophet said that he saw more women in hell?????
First of all whatever situation going on this sister life it's sad and not good for future. Ofcourse forced marriage is forbidden in Islam and this sister could have said no strongly but for some situation she agreed. A mother is not an enemy to her children never it's impossible yes some mother are violent not good behavior but still she is your mother.a mother carry her child for 10m then go through labour and then she give birth with Allah's help so we should also think in that way our parents did so many thing for us maybe whom ever they choosing must be good parents never think bad for their children. Even a thief thinks good for their children. Allah orders us to respect our parents.
Secondly, even that guy is not good person like before married she didn't knew then how her parents would know? You get real picture of both partners after you get married not before and those who are lucky and clever enough to know that person is not good before married but rare.
Thirdly, whatever she is saying it's true but I also think sister also have problem ofcourse with one hand you cannot clap!! She feel disgust when she is alone with him!! Because he said he will forcefully do!! when this kind of sentence come? It comes when a wife is not fulfilling her duties towards husband I am not going to say all the time but most of the time. Then your parents told him to leave for a while then how come your mother forced you in marriage?? If she really did forced you she would have shout at you and not telling your husband to leave for a while. See your parents care for you. Advising him to leave was not good idea it would have been better if your parents talked with him or send you both for marriage counciling. Also if your inlaws blackmail like this you or your parents should have explained what is going on and how to solve.
Sister divorce is not an option at this stage the reason you giving to get divorce it's not valid in Allah's eye. Life is not a bed of roses you have to struggle work hard to keep your family happy. Allah is watching don't worry have faith in Allah. Allah never make wrong partners it's us who follow saitans direction and get spoiled and get divorce. Look around you our grandparents/ parents relatives old generation they are handling families 40/50/60 years they also had problem in married life in this world no one is perfect. Allah will see that you working hard for your your married life and I am sure Allah will shower his blessing to your life and married life.
Sister Nadia, you reminded me of the hadith, which I had almost forgotten and the world also seems to have forgotten:
Narrated Abu Sa`id Al-Khudri ﺭَﺿِﻲَ اﻟﻠﻪُ ﻋَﻨْﻪُ : Once Allâh's Messenger went out to the Musalla [(to offer the Salât (prayer)] of `Eid-al-Adha or `Eid-al-Fitr, and he passed by the women and said, ``O you the assembly of women! Give alms, as I have seen that the majority of the dwellers of Hell-fire were you (women).'' They asked, ``Why is it so, O Allâh's Messenger?'' He replied, ``You curse frequently and are ungrateful to your husbands.... (Bukhari and Muslim)
May Allah Save our women from the fire. Aameen
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Actually I was looking for this quote thank you for giving in details I also forgot to add that,
Allah tells us what to do with the problems we just can't seem to solve. It is in the very next verse after the one above, in Surah An-Nisaa'.
And if you fear fighting between the two (married couple), appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things].
Quran Chapter 4, verse 35
salaam
this is turning into some thing that is upsetting me now and if i have offended anyone i am sorry
dear sister only you and allah really know what has happened I think the only advise that i can give with out my personal emotions getting in the way is:> Do istahara, do duba, reestablish your faith if possible keep the hubby away while you do this and by this i don't mean years just a few weeks should be enough but you are the better judge of that, get some books from an islamic book shop on marriage and women then ask yourself what led you to this situation and maybe it would help if you wrote it down, ask yourself what you have assumed and what is fact, how you wanted things and how they happened yes it will be hard but once you do this you can then move onto dealing with the situation
at the end you have two options :
1> try to make it work
2> divorce
if you want to try and make it work then i suggest that what you have written down about the events leading up to this that you sit and talk to the hubby about it and has you have expressed fear of him i would advise that you speak to your parents and have them sit in the room but on the far end of the room and both of you sitting on seperate seats and talk make note on things you do not agree on then seek advice from a shria alam or mulana that deals with marriage break downs, as he will have the knowledge on these issues from the Quran inshallah and try to take things further
if you chose the second option then you will need to go and speak to your local mulana and get a khula ( where the wife seeks divource/ or annulment which ever fits the circumstances around your situation)
sister i will pray for you inshallah turn to Allah and Allah will guide you
Allah hafiz
Thats a very good advice. Well said sister fozia.