My sexual feelings are taking control over my life
Before I knew much about Islam, I dated many men and have performed many sexual acts with them. I obviously didn´t think much about the religious factor involved in doing such haram things.
I had my first boyfreind when I was around 15, we never did anything apart from holding hands and hug.
After my first boyfriend till my fifth boyfriend I didn´t do much more than holding hands and hugging. I basically thought this was all I could do.
When I met my 6th boyfriend he taught me to kiss. I really loved and trusted my 6th boyfriend but he ended up cheating on me, I think this had a significant effect upon me and I decided that I was going to do the same cheat on others.
After we split up, I had various other boyfriends in between around 18 more many of the times I had 3 at once... However, I didn´t go too far with any of them apart from hugging and kissing as the whole purpose was just to feel better about the fact that my boyfriend cheated on me.
When I was 19 I met a married man, a father of 2, who was 35 (yes much older than me). We met as more or less friends and then this turned in to a highly sexual relationship, we did everything possible apart from doing the act of intercourse. I knew he was married and I felt sick at the thought of being with him but my sexual desires always overtook until I felt sick being with a married man then I left him, however, I met another man who was my age and we both got to a similar stage as I did with the married man.
Doing those physical things made me feel loved and beautiful.
Still virgin, after these two I met another man who was more on the religious side, he taught me about the deen and made me realise everything that I had done was filthy but again as men cannot stay faithful for long he broke my heart and cheated on me.
After all this I did ask for forgiveness to Allah swt for all these previous sins. After this I started dressing modestly, very modestly, but many men were after me and always praised my beauty, I didn't want to get in to again and so tried my best not to. I started feeling sexual again, always thinking about all those things I used to do and wanting to do what I previously did. I tried to control my thoughts.
The men that saw me around one in particular were going crazy for me and always tried to seduce me. He said that he had been watching me for many months and thought I was beautiful so I thought he genuinly must love me. I agree on dating with him. I only ever kissed and hugged this man but split up with him a while later. At this similar time, the previous married man got in touch with me and wanted to meet me, I told him I didn't ever want to talk to him again and thanks to God I managed to ignore his messages.
Nine months ago, I decided to have an arranged marriage to finally settle down in to something serious. I was so glad that I could lose my virginity on my wedding night. Me and my husband really love each other. I never told him about my past and told him I've never dated a man, I knew if I told him he would hate me. We were together for about a month the problem is that I had to come back to Canada he stayed in Afghanistan. I really missed the sexual relationship, so I masturbated using things.
Then the man that said he really loved me before my marriage started harassing me again and told me he was suicidal when he had found out I had gotten married. After a lot of emotional discussion I decided to have an affair and get back with him, basically I love my husband but am with this man as I feel sorry for him. I really need to stop this sinning, especially now that I am married. I am disgusted with everything I have done in the past and my present.
Every time I try to get rid of this man he keeps coming back, and takes over me emotionally. I don´t know what to do, I know very well that I am a easy target for shaytaan because of my highly sexual nature.
Please help me I just want to love my husband and that's it. I have sinned too much and am still sinning. I am probably the worst female you have come across on this website or ever in your life and may not even reply back to me, but it's not my fault my desires overtake.
Please give me some advice on how I can clear all previous sins and stop myself from having relationships with other men.
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