Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My sexual feelings are taking control over my life

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"And others have confessed their faults, they have mingled a good deed and an evil one; (perhaps) Allah will turn to them (mercifully); surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. Take alms out of their property, you would cleanse them and purify them thereby, and pray for them; surely your prayer is a relief to them; and Allah is Hearing, Knowing." Sura 9: 102 to 106

Before I knew much about Islam, I dated many men and have performed many sexual acts with them. I obviously didn´t think much about the religious factor involved in doing such haram things.

I had my first boyfreind when I was around 15, we never did anything apart from holding hands and hug.

After my first boyfriend till my fifth boyfriend I didn´t do much more than holding hands and hugging. I basically thought this was all I could do.

When I met my 6th boyfriend he taught me to kiss. I really loved and trusted my 6th boyfriend but he ended up cheating on me, I think this had a significant effect upon me and I decided that I was going to do the same cheat on others.

After we split up, I had various other boyfriends in between around 18 more many of the times I had 3 at once... However, I didn´t go too far with any of them apart from hugging and kissing as the whole purpose was just to feel better about the fact that my boyfriend cheated on me.

When I was 19 I met a married man, a father of 2, who was 35 (yes much older than me).  We met as more or less friends and then this turned in to a highly sexual relationship, we did everything possible apart from doing the act of intercourse. I knew he was married and I felt sick at the thought of being with him but my sexual desires always overtook until I felt sick being with a married man then I left him, however, I met another man who was my age and we both got to a similar stage as I did with the married man.

Doing those physical things made me feel loved and beautiful.

Still virgin, after these two I met another man who was more on the religious side, he taught me about the deen and made me realise everything that I had done was filthy but again as men cannot stay faithful for long he broke my heart and cheated on me.

After all this I did ask for forgiveness to Allah swt for all these previous sins. After this I started dressing modestly, very modestly, but many men were after me and always praised my beauty, I didn't want to get in to again and so tried my best not to. I started feeling sexual again, always thinking about all those things I used to do and wanting to do what I previously did. I tried to control my thoughts.

The men that saw me around one in particular were going crazy for me and always tried to seduce me. He said that he had been watching me for many months and thought I was beautiful so I thought he  genuinly must love me. I agree on dating with him. I only ever kissed and hugged this man but split up with him a while later. At this similar time, the previous married man got in touch with me and wanted to meet me, I told him I didn't ever want to talk to him again and thanks to God I managed to ignore his messages.

Nine months ago, I  decided to have an arranged marriage to finally settle down in to something serious. I was so glad that I could lose my virginity on my wedding night. Me and my husband really love each other. I never told him about my past and told him I've never dated a man, I knew if I told him he would hate me. We were together for about a month the problem is that I had to come back to Canada he stayed in Afghanistan. I really missed the sexual relationship, so I masturbated using things.

Then the man that said he really loved me before my marriage started harassing me again and told me he was suicidal when he had found out I had gotten married. After a lot of emotional discussion I decided to have an affair and get back with him, basically I love my husband but am with this man as I feel sorry for him. I really need to stop this sinning, especially now that I am married. I am disgusted with everything I have done in the past and my present.

Every time I try to get rid of this man he keeps coming back, and takes over me emotionally. I don´t know what to do, I know very well that I  am a easy target for shaytaan because of my highly sexual nature.

Please help me I just want to love my husband and that's it. I have sinned too much and am still sinning. I am probably the worst female you have come across on this website or ever in your life and may not even reply back to me, but it's not my fault my desires overtake.

Please give me some advice on how I can clear all previous sins and stop myself from having relationships with other men.

Z*******


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34 Responses »

  1. Salam sister
    I think you already know what you need to do. God's mercy is there for the taking because you are no longer oblivious to your sins. You have realised them and you are full of regret and disgust.
    I think the problem is your lack of self-discipline. This will only come when you take charge of your life and stop letting the devil drag you around in a noose. You can blame anything you like, your desires, your pity for someone whatever- but the truth is you started this sin a long time ago- at an age when some girls are still playing with dolls!
    I'm sorry for being harsh but your story did not fill me with disgust and hatred, instead it made me extremely sad. You are my sister and I'm sad and hurt that you fell into this sin. It's time now sister to take responsibility.
    First and foremost sister, go to a mosque and sit with pious people, keep yourself in a state of wudu constantly. Email the man your having an affair with and end it. You have no right to pity him, he is using you because you are giving to him something he cannot get easily from other women- you are selling yourself short.
    In the most extreme solution to your problem I will suggest that you go back to your husband in Afghanistan- stay with him until he can come over.
    If that's not possible then fast sister and weep in repentance, day and night sit on your prayer mat and ask God to help you. I promise you He will help you, tomorrow could be too late. I'm not saying its wrong for you to having sexual feelings, they are normal, but why let them take over your life. Set yourself targets of days when you will not let these feelings take over your life- take each day as it comes- tick of the days when you have gone without giving into these feelings for as long as you are away from your husband.
    But please sister make use of your time in other activities. Until your husband comes over preoccupy your time with activities that will benefit you both mentally and spiritually. Seek knowledge, join study circles, meet pious sisters and join in with their tasks, offer your services to a charity- do whatever it takes and keep yourself away from being alone or with that man who you have no right to be with.
    Don't hate yourself sister, God does not hate you, if He did He would punish us right then and there when we are committing the sin. Instead He gives us time and watches us as we live our life- He waits for us to turn back so that He can forgive us. Sister it's been a long time coming; Turn back my darling, turn back to God, why live like this when its causing you so much misery.
    I hope and pray that you find peace, and guidance.

    • but if someone is not married then what should she do?

    • Only solution is to stay with your husband as you cannot control your self. So, you should not give you a chance to commit the sin. You are intelligent girl. You know how to play around and have a relation besides your husband. So, no need to pretend. If you really do not want to keep that sinful relation then just go Afghanistan and stay with your husband and bring him over Canada. I'm not judging you but you make me little angry towards you. You are an intelligent girl and you are very much aware about what you are doing. You really know what to do to stay away from sin. You really do not need to come online to seek help. May Allah forgive us all. Amin

      • I dont think there is anything wrong in asking here for help. Its noble for her to come online and ask for guidance. This is the first step to being pious.

  2. Z*****, there is hope for you, and you can change and become a faithful woman, but only when you stop saying that it's not your fault.

    As shocked as I was that you would choose to cheat on your husband, I was even more shocked when you said, "but it's not my fault my desires overtake."

    Whose fault do you think it is? Men? No man forced you to do anything. Shaytan? He has no power over human beings, except to whisper and suggest.

    It is your fault. Every single one of these sins was a choice that you made. You had the power to make the right choice, and do the right thing, but you chose to commit sins.

    If you can acknowledge this fundamental truth, then you can make a sincere tawbah. Immediately cut off all contact with other men besides your husband. Turn to Allah in sincere repentance and beg His forgiveness. Make an ironclad promise in your heart never to commit these sins again.

    Beyond this, hafsa has given a lot of good advice and I agree with everything she wrote, so I won't repeat it all.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Hi wael.........I am jawad ......

      [Editor's comment: Please note that if you require advice, you will need to log in and submit a post for publication. Midnightmoon, IslamicAnswers.com editor.]

  3. Salaam my sister,

    I am sorry that you are feeling so weak. I agree with all that has been written before me.

    There are two points that I would like to add. The first is about behaviour and how we train ourselves to behave. Think of your mind as if it is a large map. This map is learning how to get from one destination to the other - how to get from a situation to a reaction. The first time we make a decision , such as the decision to be unfaithful - a great deal of thinking is involved as your brain maps out what to do when an opportunity to cheat arises. As you repeat this behaviour, the map in your mind becomes stronger and stronger until cheating becomes a reflex action. Just as a karate student will throw his first punch bent and wobbly, so too are our first ever decisions bent and wobbly. Just as when the karate student practises his wobbly punch until it becomes automatic (reflex action) so too do our decisions become reflex actions.

    The way to undo our behaviour is to build new maps and pathways in our minds. So the next time you feel an urge or desire to do something you know is wrong, you will have to work hard to change direction and teach your brain something new - you will have to start throwing those first wobbly punches. Slowly, you practice, those initial decisions that took a lot of energy and thinking, will become reflex actions and your actions will become automatic just as they have become automatic now.

    The second point I wanted to make was about patience with working towards a goal. If you look back through your your life you will see that there were many events that led you to this way of being - it took time for you to get to the stage where you cannot control yourself. Therefore you must engage patience with yourself and understand that to undo habits of a lifetime you will have to work hard, and you will have to feel uncomfortable and you may even feel like giving up. Again, in these moment you just remember the karate student who loses his balance, and gets up again and keeps on trying - and remember those wobbly punches, and failures - thoughts like: I can't do it, it's too hard. And you must remember that you can train yourself to do anything at all, as long as you employ patience to keep trying.

    As a final note, I just would like to remind you that Allah is the greatest and whatever you do to be closer to him in your heart and soul he will reward you and help you with strength, conviction, patience and virtue. In yourself, if you decide that yes, this is it - I'm going to change my my life - you yourself will feel a sense of elation, happiness and love in your heart because this is how it feels when we rectify our wrongs and let go of our bad ways.

    I pray you are dedicated, devoted and patient in this process and that You find the will in yourself to start work right now, right here, today.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

  4. As salamu alaykum Sister Z***

    You have been given excellent advices, but I would like you to consider the following too.

    After researching a bit, I would like you to check if your excessive libido can have anything to do with hormonal imbalance, I have heard of some cases, where the woman couldn´t control her libido and was due to medical reasons, hypeandrogenism or hyperadrenalism, can be some of the causes, then you would need to look for a good doctor that you trust and have a complete exam to assure your hormones are properly balanced, insha´Allah.

    Your pancreas and the insuline levels should be studied too, just in case.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Salaams z********

    Firstly I am not judging you I am going to be 100% straight with you

    Please do not throw your marriage away leave these haraam things behind now. Make TAWBH get closer to Allah do your 5 daily prayers. Look what you got you are so lucky many girls will be jealous of you being married and they are still waiting but don’t carry on with more sinning with these men. You don’t actually realise the consequences for your actions do you sister? You are MARRIED. Your husband does not deserve this STOP letting the devil overpowering you and making excuses for the need of zina, you are not the worse female but worse to do haraam activities whilst married. You came here for answers and advices and I hope this brings it home. Do you really want to throw this marriage away due to some stupidity acts and you think it is alright to keep cheating when Allah is watching everything. Fear Allah and rebuild towards your marriage, forget these men, change your number, change the company you mix with, go to the mosque, mix with women you can trust then you see they have far more worse situation then you open your eyes AND see what you HAVE appreciate it, trust your husband and family. Sister I know what I am talking about you are the only one to be blamed if this still continues on. I pray and hope in time you change your ways before it is too late and your husband, family and parents don’t deserve this. Rethink and refocus and I pray you find a path to get straight ameen.

  6. Assalaamu alaikum.

    I agree with all the excellent advice above especially that you need to take responsibility sister for what you've done so you can sincerely repent. Ask yourself each time you get a desire: what are you going to say before Allah swt on that day if you give in to this temptation? I also agree that it may be good to get checked by a doctor just in case and possibly a psychologist. I dont mean that to be rude sis, but sometimes behaviour like this is psychological related.

    Repentance

    “Say: “O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

    And turn in repentance and in obedience with true Faith (Islamic Monotheism) to your Lord and submit to Him (in Islam) before the torment comes upon you, (and) then you will not be helped.

    And follow the best of that which is sent down to you from your Lord (i.e. this Qur’aan, do what it orders you to do and keep away from what it forbids), before the torment comes on you suddenly while you perceive not!’”

    [al-Zumar 39:53-54 – interpretation of the meaning]

    The word tawbah (repentance) is a great word with deep meaning. It is not, as many people think, merely words to be uttered whilst persisting in sin. Think about what Allaah says:

    “Seek the forgiveness of your Lord, and turn to Him in repentance”

    [Hood 11:3 – interpretation of the meaning]

    You will see that repentance is something more than seeking forgiveness.

    Because this is a serious matter, there have to be conditions attached. The scholars mentioned the conditions of repentance, based on aayahs from the Qur’aan and ahaadeeth. There follows a list of some of them:

    Conditons of repentance
    1 – Giving up the sin immediately.

    2 – Regretting what has happened in the past.

    3 – Resolving not to go back to it.

    You should not forget other important matters connected to sincere repentance, such as:

    1 – You should give up the sin for the sake of Allaah and not for any other reason such as not being able to do it or repeat it, or being afraid of what people will say, for example.

    The person who gives up a sin because it may affect his standing or reputation among people, or because it may cost him his job, cannot be described as having repented.

    The person who gives up sins for the sake of his health and strength cannot be described as having repented, such as a person who gives up zinaa (adultery) and immoral actions for fear of contagious deadly diseases, or for fear that they may weaken his body and his memory.

    The person who refrains from taking a bribe for fear that it may be being offered by undercover officers cannot be described as having repented.

    The person who gives up drinking alcohol and taking drugs because he has become bankrupt cannot be described as having repented.

    Similarly, the person who is unable to commit sin because of something that lies beyond his control cannot be described as having repented, such as a liar who becomes paralyzed and loses the power of speech, or an adulterer who loses the ability to engage in intercourse, or a thief who has an accident and loses his limbs. In such cases, a person has to feel regret and stop wishing to commit sin, or he has to feel sorry for what has happened in the past. To someone like this the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Regret is repentance.”

    (narrated by Ahmad and Ibn Maajah; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 6802)

    2 – He should feel repelled by the sin and the harm it causes.

    This means that sincere repentance cannot be accompanied by feelings of enjoyment and pleasure when remembering past sins, or wishing to go back to it in the future.

    In his book al-Daa’ wa’l-Dawaa’ wa’l-Fawaa’id, Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) mentioned many of the harmful effects of sin, including the following:

    Being deprived of (Islamic) knowledge – feelings of alienation in the heart – difficulties – physical weakness – being unable to do acts of worship – being deprived of blessings – less help from Allaah – anxiety – more bad deeds – getting used to sin – the sinner becomes insignificant in the sight of Allaah – he becomes insignificant in the sight of people – the curse of the animals will be upon him – he will bear marks of humiliation – his heart will be sealed and he will come under the curse (of Allaah) – his du’aa’ will not be answered – cause of mischief on land and sea – loss of gheerah (protective jealousy) – loss of modesty – the blessings of Allaah will disappear – punishment will befall him – terror in the heart of the sinner – falling into the clutches of the Shaytaan – a bad end – punishment in the Hereafter.

    Knowing these harmful effects of sin will make you want to keep away from sin altogether, but some people may move from one sin to another for a number of reasons, including the following:

    - They think that it is less serious

    - The self is more inclined towards it and the desire for it is stronger

    - It is easier to commit this sin than others, unlike sins which require some preparation; the means of doing it are readily available and widespread

    - His friends and companions are committing this sin and it is difficult for him to differ from them

    - A particular sin may give a person some status among his companions, and it is too difficult for him to lose this position, so he continues to commit that sin.

    3 – He should hasten to repent. Hence delaying repentance is in and of itself a sin for which repentance is required.

    4 – You should make up the duties towards Allaah that you have missed, if that is possible, such as paying the zakaah which you withheld in the past; and because this is something which is the right of the poor.

    5 – You should keep away from places of sin if your being there may make you fall into sin again.

    6 – You should keep away from those who helped you to commit sin.

    Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Friends on that Day will be foes one to another except Al-Muttaqoon (the pious)”

    [al-Zukhruf 43:67]

    Bad friends will curse one another on the Day of Resurrection, so you should keep away from them and break off your friendship with them, and warn others against them if you are not able to call them (to Allaah). Do nt let the Shaytaan deceive you or make the idea of going back to them in order to call them to Allaah look attractive to you, for you know that you are weak and will not be able to resist.

    There are many cases in which people have gone back to sin because they resumed relationships with their former companions.

    7 – Destroy haraam things that you may have in your possession, such as intoxicants, musical instruments, haraam pictures and movies, permissive stories, statues and so on. They should be broken, destroyed or burnt.

    It is very essential that the one who wants to repent should rid himself of all items of jaahiliyyah. How often has it happened that keeping these haraam things caused people who had repented to go back on their repentance and be led astray after having been guided. We ask Allaah to make us steadfast.

    8 – Choose righteous (sisteer) friends who will help you against your nafs (self) and who will be an alternative to bad company. Strive to attend circles of dhikr and gatherings of knowledge. Fill your time with beneficial things so that the Shaytaan will not find any opportunity to remind you of the past.

    9 – Focus on your body which has been fed on haraam substances and direct its energies towards obeying Allaah. Seek out halaal substances with which to nourish your body so that your flesh will be renewed with halaal substances.

    10 – Do a lot of good deeds, for good deeds cancel out bad deeds.

    If you are sincere in your repentance to Allaah, then receive the good news that all your previous evil deeds will be changed into good deeds. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And those who invoke not any other ilaah (god) along with Allaah, nor kill such person as Allaah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse and whoever does this shall receive the punishment.

    The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace;

    Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds; for those, Allaah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allaah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful”

    [al-Furqaan 25:68]

    I ask Allaah to benefit you by these words, and to guide your heart. Now get up and utter the Shahaadatyan, purify yourself (with ghusl) and pray as Allaah has commanded you. Observe the Islamic duties regularly and give up haraam things. I will be happy to help you in any way.

    I ask Allaah to give us and you strength to do that which He loves and is pleased with. May He accept the repentance of us all, for He is the One Who accepts repentance, the Most Merciful.

    Taken from: http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1069

    The whispering of the devil if the starting point of all evil deeds. It begins as a whisper and turns into an evil thought. Then the devil pictures the thought in your mind and turns it into a desire, which later becomes a will. He then makes you forget all the consequences and bellittles the outcome of the sin, until you see nothing but the fulfillment of your lust. It is in the stage that the devil dispatches his soldiers to urge you to achieve your desire whenever you show any negligence (Ibn Qayyim - Tafsir Surah Nas)

    Do you recognise this process? When you feel desire you may be at the thought stage or the later stage but remind yourself that shaytaan is whispering to you and remember that Allah is watching you.

    I pray that Allah swt helps you overcome this sin.
    If you need any further advise feel free to write on this forum and we will do our best to help you InshaAllah.
    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor
    x

  7. hello sister how are u yes i read your problems and yes it is not easy to control our desire it is very strong and difficuit to control sometimes please sister do not go and have sex with this guy who is married who has kids and way older then you he just wants sex and using you first of all is he a muslim or non muslim? and you said you got married you are so lucky u got married to your lawful husband but he is so far a way right in afghanistan you said, he should come to canada to live with you but yes it is not easy being alone sometimes.

    i am a muslim my self and i did had girlfriends before and i could'nt control my own desires to it was so difficult for me Allah the most high had put lust desire in our system and it is not easy it is apart of our nature and sometimes satan is little apart of it i hate when people say like oh it is the satan who had made people commit sex but it is Allah who had put these feeling in our system. so just try your best to stay away from it and please do not come near this older dude who is married if he wants sex let him have intercourse with his wife right whats his problem and since you mention but good thing you ignore him. now you with this guy
    who is suicidal who got you emotional just dont fall for him and his stupid behavior stuff most men just wants sex and if they don't have they say oh am gonna kill myself so don't feel sorry for him at all just because he said i love you trust me ive been on your path but am not married and am still commiting sins because am not married and sometimes islam dosent help my needs and happiness

    and am not happy about my past hope you understand if u have any question please feel free to reply bye

    • Salaams brother Hakeem
      How can you sit here and write ISLAM doesn’t help you of course it helps every Muslim out there it is people who look for an easy way out and blame Allah when things go wrong for there own actions. I found your words very insulting to say this. I am really fed up with men using women as piece of meat just because they don’t get there way and carry on leading a double life. What is the point of this you not actually being true to yourself Islam teaches a lot beautiful things if you let Allah in you see how much Islam as to offer and love you get from Allah the closer you get. It is a shame we now have a lot of bad people ruining it for the good people who don’t fear Allah at all or care what they say because pride gets in the way. If you truly believe in Allah you will see how beautiful our Allah is I wouldn’t change myself for anything ulhumdiallah life as thought me one thing not everything is black and white. I can say a lot of things but I chose not too only because I believe each person to there own but why commit sins when you can fulfil the halaal way. I also hope you too find a good path that will make you realise this life you are leading is not good and every person is worth more than this.

      • BTW it is not lust desire it is the devil overpowering to commit zina just be aware you must never give in as actions do have consequences you could chose to love truly whilst married or keep living a double life the choice is yours. And I know which one I would really prefer the halaal way and count my lucky ulhmdiallah stars inshallah

    • Hakeem, the other lady sounds like she has really serious personal problems!!!... If she is a Muslim then she knows better !!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, C'MON....Does she not know the difference between a sinner and an honest lady. And if she does... well she chooses and the only big difference between animals and humans is that humans can think and make decisions where animals just go by their "feelings"... they feel like having sex, so they have it wherever whenever with whomever and with whatever ... If humans follow this behavior they are also called animals ( d o g s ) . You brother too should give yourself a good name, place on this earth so that you can later live with your conscious self and be able to tell your children when they ask about your past.... (and they will ask... and they also will eventually learn the truth !! ) C'mon... there are lots of druggies out there and don't want to quit cuz it makes them feel g o o d -- Remember, we are not here on this earth to do things haram that make us feel g o o d ----- we are here to worship Allah and to live a happy yet healthy Islamic lifestyle to show our children the path for Islam and remember Allah s e e s, k n o w s > EVERYTHING. Todays times are very difficult and do not look very bright... time is very un-certain... only thing certain is DEATH... Are you ready for it if it happened to you T O D A Y ???? IF YOU ARE A TRUE MUSLIM, YOU FEAR ALLAH AND REPENT AND DO THE RIGHT THING, OTHERWISE, YOU ARE NOT A REAL MUSLIM, JUST BY saying you are a Muslim, DOES - > N O T - < --- S A V E - Y O U !!!! Start soul searching and get a close relationship with Allah, he is waiting for you NOW!!!

  8. reading your story & you are an afghan wow crazy i would say I am muslim as well & afghan as well I never ever thought an afghan girl could do all this

    • People are people. Muslims hear the whisper of Shaytan and make mistakes like anyone else. The beauty of Islam is that we have tawbah and many ways to return to Allah, and purify our souls. As long as we are living, we have a chance to repent and do better.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Wael is right, Meena. I am an Afghan too and sis just coz things are hidden in the community, it doesnt meant they dont exist.

        Afghans are humans too and all humans make mistakes and sin.

        Wael, any way for me to get directly in contact with this questionner? I feel like coming from the same community, I could help her alot. If you could ask her if its okay to pass her email add to me or something???

        Was salaamu alaikum

  9. Salaams., 1st i would like 2 giv some little retification 2 wat hakeem opined by saying'saitan wispers zina but it is Allah who gives us d sexual desire''..u know Allah gave us dis feelings in order 2 use it in d +ve way nd dat is y Allah legalise marraige,,. not 2 use it in d -ve way or take it as an excuse. I would'nt say much b/c semina has given u an excellent reply..... Coming 2 zawratu... Really am sorry 4 starting dis way but wat u are doing is totally wrong. By u been married nd still dating dat fool, u are cheating ur husband. Are u not afraid dat ALLAH will question u in front of ur husband nd every body (nd if ur sins out ways u, u will be thrown into d hell fire nd u will never ve any helper against Allah on dat day). U better fear Allah nd stop wat u are doing... At least u are married, u can go to any lenght in satisfying ur sexual desire with ur husband.. Since u know u are hyper sexual, u can try 2 make all necessary adjustment nd arrangement so dat u guys can be meeting, may be where u are or where he is. 4 u been married,dat is a great favour From ALLAH. Countless number of women are out there looking 4 dis favour but here are u trying 2 miss use these great favour given 2 u.. U better change b4 d anger of Allah descend on u since it is not too late.. Try 2 seperate ur self 4rm dat idiot man.. He cannot force u 2 do what u dont want 2 do(if at all u are ready 2 quit).. U came here 4 advice nd i think d 1 given 2 u by hafsat, wael, semina, my self nd others dat posted is sufficient..it all remains on u now

  10. Assalamu Alaikum

    A lot can be said, but I would like to just focus on one particular aspect which is the environment in which you are living. Why is this man able to contact you after marriage? Is it via phone, if yes why does he have your phone #? Why don't you get ur # changed? Block his email? etc etc. There should be *NO* contact between you and this man, *NONE* at all. Not even "serious" and "formal" contact. NONE. If you see him at work, etc then maybe you need to find another job. By the sounds of it, he is able to enter your life again and again quite easily and you should ask yourself why that is that he get in touch with you whenever he wants.

    You do not need be with him because you "feel sorry for him". He is committing a lot of dirty acts. In all likelihood he is not suicidal at all, rather just playing games with you to gain sexual pleasure. And if he is suicidal, then he should get therapy and/or get medical treatment. The solution isn't to have sex with him.

    Have you made a sincere effort to avoid unnecessary interaction with men? You said a man told you you're so beautiful he must be in love etc etc it is very difficult and rare for a man to go up to a random lady on the street and say such a thing. I dont know your particulat situation but in general it can be much easier to say this to a "friend", somebody whom you joke around with, somebody whom you find yourself alone with, etc etc basically after a lot of other haram has been done already.

    If you are sincere about having just pure relationship with your husband, then you need to eliminate the environment where you find yourself interacting unnecessarily with men - whether it is online, over the internet, phone, etc.

    If you are sincere about wanting to live a pure married life, then if possible maybe you should sponsor your husband and then go back to Afghanistan and live with him until he is ready to move to Canada. When you return to Canada live somewhere else where you won't see men you have had past relationships with.

  11. ASA sister!
    Im am not who to judge you, but it is good that you know what you did is wrong and you must put an end to this. Try to change your number or move away so this man does not get ahold of you! Be honest to your husband but mostly to yourself!! When you married, i assume you did it for love and you wanted this to last! So end what you have with this other man. When you feel weak, pray, read the koran, talk to your husband!! He is the one you should go to when you need help not the other person... sorry! i hope i make sense to you! Best of luck!!!

  12. Assalam-o-alaikum,...i 've just googled "how to control sexual desires" and come across such an amazing and informative site...i also have the same problem for 1 year now...I'm 21 and i came to know about masterbation when i was 20 surprisingly when i was taking bath....since then i got sick of this bad habit....i tried a lot to get rid of this bad habit....but i failed again and again....i was a very healthy person before this nd now i get very weak...whenever i saw movies or surf on internet.....my sexual overcome my body...and i couldn't able to stop my self from masterbating....but i always repent after doing this bad deed...i became sick of my life and thought many times to suicide....i thought God must be angry with me, thats y he don't care about me, and let me fall in this bad habit.....after all my struggle now i get controll on my body.....thanks to Allah for His mercy...i promised to God that if i do it again, i should have no children in my life forever....and this worked....i do this to stop the unstopable for me...bcoz i was going no where...i needed time to think about where i'm going wrong....now i get all the answers...i offer prays regularly and make sure that i hurt no one....thanks to Allah who gives me life again...

    • ASA
      I see all your advices and these are so usefull as i am also suffering from same but totally diferent from z**** i just have thaoughts but when even i dont go out for outing too. I am so shy from every one
      And even if any guy was passed from me or on my way to pas then am so afraid and as z**** is married but am not am only engaged so i when ever i got these thaoghts i am start thinking about my next day routine and som advices for my next life and thinking about some OUR PROPHET (PBUH) and some times i am succeed in not thinking about them but sometimes i failed...... So plz give me an advice

  13. I don't mean to sound harsh but reading your post make me so sad for a Muslim girl like you not to fear Allah I mean come on afther you got married you should have change your life around because you now are married it doesn't matter what guy call you afther words, guys are guys they do anything to do in your pants honey, marsallah I'm a young girl has been living in USA for 20 years and I have always been told what a good looking girl I was I never let a guy trick me and play with me because I fear Allah and my parents. Now I'm married alhamdullah to a man that fear Allah pray and fast so turn your life around fouce on your marrige change your phone number do what you can not to sin again so good luck.
    I don't mean to sound harsh but reading your post make me so sad for a Muslim girl like you not to fear Allah I mean come on afther you got married you should have change your life around because you now are married it doesn't matter what guy call you afther words, guys are guys they do anything to do in your pants honey, marsallah I'm a young girl has been living in USA for 20 years and I have always been told what a good looking girl I was I never let a guy trick me and play with me because I fear Allah and my parents. Now I'm married alhamdullah to a man that fear Allah pray and fast so turn your life around fouce on your marrige change your phone number do what you can not to sin again so good luck.

  14. Assalamu Aalaikum all,

    Masha Allah, sister you have such good advices in hand from all over. As our sister Elena had said fear and remember Death. That should always lift your spirit to lead the true path. If you regeret from your mistakes, Allah is always forgiving.
    Be firm sister, be a strong woman. May Allah guide you on a rightful path. Ameen.

    Kindly ignore Hakeem's advice. Hakeem brother as an advice, you still have time to get back to the righful path. Life in this world is like blink of an eye. May Allah also guide you. Ameen.

    I request you all to include me in your Dua, to lead a life of Deen.

    Jazhakh Allah khair.
    Nahas

  15. and wear the full cover ( must cover all of your body and not like and pantaloon
    face and palm can be seen only
    HIJAB full HIJAB

  16. assalamualaikum. I have read all the opinions given to her ,and majority of them are good but i wonder that no one suggested her offer salah except farhan.the prophet said that five salah is like a person bathing five times in a river .it makes you spiritually clean . Sister i dont intend to write pages but allah loves you thats why you are regretting..repent sincerly, avoid that man , go back to yor husband ,if desires come he is the one to satisfy it,read the translation of quran, despair not from allahs mercy because it is kufr ie disbelieve,listen to religios talks, hadith in muslim sareef says that allah forgave a person who killed hundred people.eliminate the sources of evil ,love your husband he is the real owner of your beauty ,start of fresh offerr salah m,start your day with fajr salah , and and do not stick to your past ,repent still a long life is their ahead .and i request people not to blam,e islam. Sister prophet adam committed a sin ,prophet moosa commited a sin but allah forgave them .so dont loose hope and see to it that you stop this immedialely get in the last hours of night and ask pardon and seek refuge from satan.

  17. Salam,

    deceiving about your past and having an affair....stop this.

    How do you want to face your husband in hereafter? Tell me?

  18. Assalamalekum sister, Allah The almighty will definitely forgive all the sins, first take a strong decision that u will never commit any sin and make tauba, and first stop pity on the man that only a way from shaitan who makes you weak for no reason, even i passed this kind of situation, even now some times i blame myself that i have cheated a girl but i never know what is right and wrong, even now i. Sometimes feel bad of it, but turn your mind towards the almighty and make zikr a habit and never respond to the msgs or,mails or calls,whatever way he tries to come in contact with u just avoid all types of communication never go through calls or msgs from that person, shaitan makes them as a,weapon and the nafs that is the inner desires make us to,pity weakening ourselves and make us to commit a sin, it. Is not so easy as i said it takes strong mind and soul power for achieving this recite the Quran and spend most of ur time in zikr. This is what i tried and i am almost far from her,even i am now trying to control myself from to stop mastrubating myself and now willing to get married as early as possible, please make dua for,this brother to get protected by Allah the almighty, may Allah be pleased with all the Mohammadis and forgive all our sins which we made by knowing and unknowingly (ameen)

  19. Exactly! I 100% agree with Wael!
    Regarding the actions it was you who did that. Wael! gave you all the answers very precisely and accurately. I myself is unmarried and at the age of 34y. Imagine what my condition is at this age without marriage. I am going through very hard times. Cause have job but earning is less. And this sex urge is very hard to control. So, I pray 5 times a day alhumdulillah! But whenever I see a lady accidentally or a child my heart wipes a lot. You can't even imagine that situation. It is like a mountain on my heart. Ina lilahe waina elahe rajeoun. Anyways! you should go to your husband sister and you are really really lucky to have a husband. Do remember me in your paryers for my good job and marriage. I really wish that I had a good faithful wife. I wish! :-(

    regards!
    Allaah Knows the best.

    • The real problem with all of us is that we don't pray for each other. And as you all can fell this in today's changing world. I pray for you all. May Allaah Guide you all and including me on the right path. And Allaah (Subhan wa ta'ala) Help us in our difficult times. Amen

      regards!
      Allaah Knows the Best!

  20. Right now my eyes are full of tears! And I just wish having a good faithful wife which I don't have at this age of 34y. You are lucky. I wish you would have gone through my life experience of loneliness through all those years. And I really can't complain because you are not even feeling a tiny shame of doing things with people. You should cause people like me who have always far away from girls just because of the fear of Allaah (Subhan wa ta'ala). And alhumdulillah! did not do zina. And Allaah (Subhan wa ta'ala), Who Gave me power to be save from those sins. But since you had done it several times now you must repent. And I really amazed how you have a husband and even then you feel the past. Are you going crazy or what!
    Or you have so much money that you don't even feel the pain of the people who don't have the money to marry. I wish you could have that feeling. I just wish!

    regards!
    Allaah Knows the best!

    • You are a Muslima masha'Allaah! As Wael! said the only thing that can save you now is repentance to Allaah! That's it. You just need a one single step. Called "repentance".

      Best regards!
      Allaah Knows the Best!

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