Culture + faith + marital differences + one big mess!
Before I start with essentials of my problems. You need to understand my story. (1st Paragraph) I am from Shubra El-Kheima, Egypt and I was born a Christian from a relatively rich family. I was not very social and didnt mingle much with girls. However, I was born and brought up by my parents to be empathetical to the feelings of others and to "Do unto others, what you have them do unto you". I grew older I was good with academics got a good job, Alhamdullilah.
I met my my wife Fathima at work as a colleague. I was a leader for a work and I used to teach, and slowly we became close. In the middle of 4 month "purely friendly" relationship, maybe second month, she got married. Once after 4-6 months of marriage, she bursted into tears and I told her to explain.(my mistake) We went to more private place than the office and she explained her family problems. I felt really sad for her, I felt empathetic. She started telling all her problems with her husband, how she was treated, how she was suspected etc.
At this point of time, we did not have relationship. Then, slowly I used take her home and one day due to uncontrollable burst of lust I guess, she touched me on my hair. Then I started having feelings for her.(my mistake) Do not misunderstand me, I am not saying she is lustful. She was a good Muslim to me other than the fact she was married already. I do not want to complain about her at this point. Later, we fell in love and we said how she could get a divorce and we could start a new life. This was over a period of 6 months of intense love/ or is it infatuation. I am not sure now.
Either way, since she was not getting enough love as a child because the constant fights between her father and mother. This new start causes a man his marriage, whether he was not good to his wife or not. (my mistake also) Later when it came to new start, she asked me to do circumcision and conversion. At first I rejected, later her father and a muslim friend of mine said, it is the only way. So due to my intense emotions for (which I can not explain) I did it. I converted and I studied Islam. From a person who was going to Church everyday to a person who recited Al-Fatiha. However, please note that I did not love her because of Islam, but I converted for her, to marry her.
Now, our marriage is in shatters, just like her mother and father, reason: religion teaching, fanatism of her attitude. They sleep separately, father/mother. They fight a lot also. (I am telling you this not as complain but as fact so you know that about the rotten apple, as some call it)
She is an extremist, which she was obviously not when she liked me. Now she is an extreme Salafi, I on the other hand do recite Quran (not Salaat) but recitation and pray to Allah Subhanah Wathaalah. I had a beautiful life but I thrown it all away for a life with her. Please note that I was from a relatively rich family and she was from a poor family. Now we have a baby and she constantly tortures me either talking about baby or talking about him going to Salafi teaching centre. My beliefs are more liberal. It is universal brotherhood, not just of muslims but of all people. Love everyone, not just muslims. Help everyone, not just muslims. I do certain things that are haraam, which I had carried over from the other side as habit. I do eat Pork and I do drink. Because I do it in moderation and not over-do it.
My question here is, I have tried to tell her, make her understand, this relationship is not going anywhere. For the child to have a good father, she should marry another Salafi Muslim. Someone of the likes of her. Otherwise, the child will end of loveless like her and father/mother relationship. I tried to make her understand my ideologies of God and Love are different. Please note, I do not believe in Isa Nabi (pbh) as being God, I believe he is special in his own way. But no where close to Allah Subhanah Wathaalah or attributed to Allah. Neither do I believe in the concept of Trinity. I believe in Merciful God, Bountiful God who is ever forgiving & divine and I believe Quran is of the most beautiful of all the religious books because it contains principles of life that has retained for centuries unlike others.
However, I believe in liberty of man/woman and I do not believe everyone who does not believe in Quran, but yet do good(very pure) in this world, "could/may" ultimately reach hell. What about the people who did not hear about Quran before death? Anyway, that is a different topic.
Like I said earlier, what would you advise me to do? I would be extremely grateful for your expert advise, whatever it may be.
~Muhammad
5 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Salaams,
I am going to cut right to the chase, and get right to the heart of the issue: Are you or are you not a Muslim? The answer to that affects the rest of your dilemma. I have to ask this because for one, you state specifically that you only convert to marry her. Generally speaking, a conversion for the sake of marriage isn't a genuine conversion and by most views, doesn't even count. Another reason is because you go on to discuss your beliefs, but without stating clearly what your beliefs are about Islam and more importantly, who the Prophet Muhammad (saws) is to you.
The bottom line is, if you never TRULY (meaning from your heart, for the sake of your own beliefs and convictions and relationship with the Creator) became Muslim, your marriage with her was never valid to begin with because Muslim women can only marry authentic Muslim men. It is null and void, and what you do from this point forward is your own free will to choose.
If, on the the other hand, you do affirm that you are Muslim, and your marriage being presumed valid on that basis, then you have to at least stop comparing your marriage to her parents. You are two different people, despite any similiarities. You have to treat your marriage on its own merits and deficits.
That being said, the differences in your levels of faith and practice are the crucial element. If you are Muslim, why are you allowing concessions for the haraam activities you mentioned? For things like that, moderation is not the standard. Avoidance altogether is. If you are Muslim, you are subject to the same guidelines as the rest of us, and for you to deliberately go against that based on your own views is not true submission, true Islam. Another thing you mentioned is the Qu'ran. You spoke about how you esteem it as a book of virtue, but do you believe it is the Word of Allah (God)? That is the only understanding Muslims hold of it; it is nothing less. If you don't believe it is the Word of God, then you are missing one of the essential beliefs that Islam rests upon.
Needless to say, if you are lacking in these vital areas, there is no way you can even hope for a solid marriage. The children in an Islamic family take after the faith of the father, because the father is always Muslim. There would be no way they could learn true Islam from you with the practices and beliefs you mentioned. In this case, I agree with you that it is better she let you go and marry someone who has a more solid Islamic framework to guide the family with. I'm not knocking you as a person, but this is the blueprint that Islamic families are built upon, and there is no other.
In summary, make a final decision as to who you are- Muslim or not. If you are Muslim, then you really need to examine yourself- for your own sake- as to what that means to you and your eternal outcome (no need to worry about anyone else's; that is between them and Allah only) based on the choices you are making and the views you are holding. If you decide to let Islam go (or you find it to be more accurate to admit you were never Muslim to begin with) and live your life as you see fit, then be courteous enough to let your wife know that the marriage is (or never was) no longer valid and let her start her iddat.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salamu'alaikum,
I second the opinion os sister Amy. Additionally, you probably need to clear the clutter from your mind and differentiate between the people. Your wife does not seem wrong to me. Fanatism, if any, should be towards the Messenger Sallallahu alaihi wasallam as I read in an article by Shaikh Albaani Rahimahullah. That is in following his Sunnah, as the Salaf as Saliheen understood (Salaf as Saliheen=the Pious predecessors. These are the Sahaabah, the Taba'een and atba' at Taba'een (The Companions, those who followed the and those who followed them)).
She has the right to choose where her child learns the deen from.
If you have any doubt about this, you can comment and insha Allah, I'll clarify.
Muhammad Waseem
Hi
I noticed u saying that u threw away a good life for her. Islamic way of living is thr best way of living, in which there be true peace and happiness. It seems that u perhaps dont know enough about islam. I think u should get a better understanding of islam, and make friendship with some pious muslims (male, same sex as u)
Secondly, if someone dies in the state of a disbeliever, then they will go to hell forever. There is no doubt about that. Our purpose of life is to worship Allah, if we fail to even believe in islam, then it makes sense if we get punished for it. There one video of dr zakir naik's conference, in which he explains this really well. Sorry, I dont remember what its called, but I think u should look at some of his conference videos, which may benefit u inshaaAllah. Also, if u have any questions, u can ask a scholer on a website called islamqa. There is also another website called islamreligion, u can talk to the advisors online thete. Keeping in the advsiors are not scholers, however, they can help u inshaaAllah.
Im not sure whether ur a muslim or not. but some of ur words are not what I would expect to hear from a muslim, I think ur knowledge about islam is very limited. U need to take a look at this matter about who u r, and who u want to be.
when I said some of ur words are not what I would expect from a muslim was when u could said u had a beautiful life but thrown it for a life with her. Islam makes ones life beautiful, however, u seem to be regretting and missing ur old ways of living. Many people who embrace islam do not regret it, but I think u are regretting because u did it to live with her and perhaps u just never accepted islam from the heart.
There seems to be a lot of confusion in ur mind, due to ur lack of knowledge, plz think about where u are standing now and where u want to go. This is the first step towards getting a solution to this problem inshaaAllah
In addition, If someone like u, who is ABLE to search for the truth, but does not search for the truth and dies in disbelief, then they will go to hell forever. U can ask regarding this matter on one of the websites that I gave u.
Sorry, I typed in a rush hope u understood what I was saying and find the advise useful
Take care
I think you are wrong. OK. don't mind asap.