Depressed and anxious after filing for divorce
Salam guys. This is an extension to my previous post 'unhappy in marriage, considering divorce'.
Just briefly, mine was a short marriage, my husband had a habit of lying, and had some kind of illicit relationship with a woman, I am not really sure to what extent anymore, he had issues with disappearing as well if things got tough. From my side the things i did wrong were that I was very upfront which sometimes came across as aggressive. I was very persistent and according to my husband i nagged a lot, and was probably short tempered too becsuse I was unhappy. Anyway, to cut a long story short I went through nine months of agony where I tried my best to reconcile, I receieved empty threats from my husband to divorce me but he pretty much kept me in limbo. He spoke to me during this time, and the conversations were amicable. He never brought up the topic of divorce unless I asked him what the next steps were. He always had excuses for not filing when I got sick of his empty threats. Also, I showed him I understood where I had gone wrong and that I was 110% committed to making changes to help save the marriage. I was as patient as I could have been and tried to make him see where he had gone wrong too. I tried tirelessly to save the marriage but i was doing it alone. In the mean time he got on with his life, said it was ok to see other people considering we were seperated but we were not islamically or legally divorced. He would make stupid remarks like I am sure you will find someone else, or im sure you will find another muhammed etc etc. And then ultimately left things hanging and went off on holiday telling me he would return after a week and then sort things out. This week turned into a month where there was no communication from him other than one simple email to say he didn't have reception where he was, which wasn't true because the phone would ring. Since I pointed this out to him he has had his phone switched off complelty and I have no idea whether he's back/abroad/alive or dead. I have filed for divorce in the mean time because I am getting sick over this. He should have recieved the papers, but whether he's signed them or not I can't say.
His parents are abroad too, on holiday. His siblings are doing their own thing. So I can't turn to his family to find out either they simply don't care. My family no longer want anything to do with him and couldn't be happier with me filing for divorce and getting out of this marriage asap.
The problem is I feel even more depressed and stressed since filing. I am regretting it, perhaps I should have waited for him to get back first. I haven't slept in days because of panic attacks. I have performed istikhara multiple times but I'm just not finding any comfort. I don't think I can face a divorce but i had to make a decision out of necessity rather than choice. I am reaching to the point of insanity because I keep panicking over the mistakes i have made and keep thinking this is all my fault. I haven't been fit to work for months, I haven't slept properly for months, I feel physically sick and compeltly drained. i am a compelte wreck over this and nothing seems to help me get over the guilt I feel for my marriage ending. I know I haven't done anythjng unforgivable and I know he has made mistakes too so he's really not in a position to judge me but I just can't see my self worth. I feel like I deserved all this and that he is the worlds best husband but I somehow made him behave this way. I'm complelty shattered, some days I can't even get out of bed, and if this goes on any longer im going to lose my mind. Ive tried counselling/prayer/socialising etc etc nothing helps. I don't want antidepressants because it will reflect badly on my career. I'm tired and embarassed of feeling this way. I just don't know what else to do.
bucks
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Assalam alaikum Sister Bucks,
Knowing that you are a frequent user of the site...I wonder if this post reflects how you still feel given the time it takes for a post to be published? Do you still feel the same way or has much changed for you?
Asak. Dear sister Bucks.
I hope you are doing well and so as all the other people who commented and gave you advice regarding your situation. I am facing the same issues, I cannot decide weather to leave my husband or go back to him? I in same mental situation as you and i can feel the pain where you have to make decisions like these. May Allah make it easy for you and me and help us decide whatever is in the best interest for us, may Allah guide us in choosing the right path, make us satisfy on it. Ameen
I have read all the comments made on this post by Sister Saba, brother ibnMuhammad, khwab and all the others. I am new here, i made account and post my situation and question. but I don't know which category I made my post on. It will be great if you guys can read my problem and also give me advice what to do in my situation, I would be very thank full.
Here is the link, where i posted my problem:
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/?p=84604&preview=true&preview_id=84604&preview_nonce=b426586da2
Please comment on this link and give me some advice which is best for me, based on my situation.
Jazakalalh. May Allah reward you all. Ameen
Salaam sister,
I am sorry to hear you are going through the same painful torment. Oh Allah Please make this easy on us. Ameen.
I think your post is still pending so wants it is released onto the site inshaAllah eveyone can give their advice.
Walaikumusalaam sister saba,
I actually took a vacation since I wrote this, I thought some sunshine and change of scenery would do me good. I continued to have panic attacks and interrupted sleep but forced myself to relax and just enjoy a different country and this has helped a little, although my mind was still focussed on my husband.
Since being back, I am not as bad, I can get out of bed and try to have a normal day, but I feel unhappy, and anxious. Although I am constantly thinking about him I don't show this as much anymore.
I just feel strange, I feel empty and irritated. I am constantly panicked. It feels like I am being punished rather than tested and this scares me a lot. I actually feel like screaming and pulling my hair out. I don't feel comfortable in my life anymore and I don't have the peace and Iman that I used to.
I still don't think he has signed the papers, I have not received any acknowledgement yet, but he wants to meet - not sure why as he has made no indication of reconciling. It just makes me realise though that all those times he said he was going to file for divorce etc were lies to hurt me, if he was so keen I had made it super easy for him now by sending him the divorce papers - about five weeks ago. I have spoken to him twice to find out whether he had received the papers etc and both times he has been amicable and quite keen to meet, but hasn't been very clear about whether he has signed the papers or not despite having received them.
I just feel trapped mentally, I feel suffocated when I see ALL the girls who got married around the same time as me or later having a successful married life with a baby on the way, but I'm stuck in a horrible place with a husband who has broken the marriage and then continued to hurt me. I know now that I wasn't the one at fault - it was him, he messed up but blamed me to make it easy for him to leave the marriage- yet he still won't make it official.
As salaam eilum sis,
I'm sorry you're feeling this way and for what you are going through. I unfortunately don't have much time to write you you currently but felt the need to say:
1. Don't meet him on your own. Have him see you with your wali. He is not in a position to be trusted at the moment and anything can happen, including a pregnancy.
2. I would stop all communication with him. ALL. Why has your wali not contacted him or his family? Unfortunately as a woman, him and his family are not taking you seriously nor respecting you. If your family are so keen to get you out of this, why are they not communicating with him and his family?
3. Seek medical help. Sometimes in life we suffer extreme stress/ emotional trauma which can throw us off and affect our mood severely. It can give is a mental illness like depression or anxiety which can be managed. See your doctor and be open to receiving help. Even if that means medication for a short period of time. If you have been off work for months surely that reflect on your health already. Look after yourself sis.
3. You don't know how other peoples lives are; your perception of your friends having a perfect marriage and families are not necessarily true. Also this is your test. Everyone has different tests on life. Don't compare.
dear sister bucks,
i m really sorry to hear all this you are going through may Allah give you peace.
sister if you dont feel like getting divorce then take the decision back, be patient and wait for the time, may be in future everything start to be alright.
if you think divorce would be a better option then ok seek counselling and separate from him completely.
i know its very hard but what else can you do now.
try to change the environment, make yourself busy somewhere outside the home so that you may come in contact with the society . study or job, a small diploma. when you will come in contact with people your mind will open, you can share the problem with one of them if not, then its ok but there you will be able to take the decision.
otherwise you will be going through same night mares , all day with sad, heavy heart.
please you can save yourself alone, take a step and then be patient and satisfy with it.
Salam hopeful sis,
My family have already spoken to him and his family - it was a difficult process because they weren't cooperative. Everything was brought out into the open and feelings were made pretty clear about ending the marriage. Now my family have zero respect for him and his family and don't feel there is any point talking to them so eveyrhing is being done via a lawyer. It's just that I am giving him the chance to sign to respectfully end things without the need for more legal action/family involvement etc.
If I do decide to meet I wanted to meet at the mosque in the presence of an imam, who already knows my version of events.
Allah knows best.
Assalaamualaikum sister,
I don't know if this is correct or not but I am an avid reader of this site and I always feel that most of the things in marriage conflicts case or divorced issues are similar to mine. From your last post, I can relate how my family tried and got the zero response for reconciliation and how I tried to keep everything aside for the sake of my baby but it happened as it was the will of Allah(swt)
I cannot tell you how long it will take for you to come out of this desperate situation but believe me these memories are not going to leave us easily. Beginning days you will feel like this always then slowly it will come down. The key is to keep yourself busy. Vacation is good but you cannot be on vacation always. I would suggest to go for a part time job if you don't have any financial problems and utilize the rest of the time for learning about Islam. Remember me and my son in prayers. Take care
MashAllah, this is wise advice, and I received the same advice from countless others after my divorce...
the key is to keep busy... with sports/gym, work, socialising with (good) Muslims, going to masjid, listening to Islamic talks, spending time with family, etc.
And remember Allah much, keeping your tongue constantly moist with dhikr and the Qur'aan, like when doing the household chores, shopping, walking, etc.
wAllahu a'lam...
fi-amanAllah,
was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.
as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah,
May the Peace and Mercy of Allah be with you dear sister "Bucks".
SubhanAllah, where to begin!
I went through the exact same problems as you, although I'm a man, my ex-wife was completely careless and had absolutely no care about the marriage or the home or me as a husband, and in the end, she had a dead-heart and didn't even want to save the marriage!!
SubhanAllah, it's amazing how careless and hard-hearted some humans can be, and I pray Allah punishes such people - although the Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam said that one of the ways Allah punishes a person is that He makes them hard-hearted and thus, blind to the aakhira, and lost in this dunya.
This is exactly what happened to my ex after she came to UK (from Morocco).
Anyway, I was in the exact same position as you - after istikhara and after much talks between her and her wali and family (over period of 5 years), and since there was no improvement from her, I was forced to divorce her... and subhanAllah, again, she was happy(!) and completely careless, while I suffered sleepless nights, constant panic attacks (even during prayer and sujood), and unable to work for months.
But alhamdulillah, something I kept making duaa for is sabr - "rabbi zidni sabr" (Oh Lord, increase me in sabr (patience)), and after-all, as Allah subhanahu wa-ta'ala tells us...
"innAllaha ma'as-sabireen" - For surely, Allah is with those who are patient".
And remember surah asr...
"I swear by Time! Mankind is in a loss... except those who truly believe... and those who exhort one-another to patience".
Another thing that helped was still trying to keep busy at work and talking to people and socialising... and talking to people I trusted in the masjid about divorce.
Another thing that kept me going was knowing that, alhamdulillah I recognise some of my bad qualities, but the bad qualities of my ex were far far worse and that I deserved much better - I realised this when filling in the divorce papers and over 15 statements on her bad behaviour. And this led me to put my trust in another ayah...
After divorce, "whoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, Allah will make a way out for him from every difficulty..."
"and Allah will provide for him from sources he could never imagine (i.e. provide a better spouse)"
"Verily, Allah will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things. "
- Surah Talaq, ayahs 2 & 3.
"wa mai-yattaqillaha yaj'allahu min amrihi yusra"
"And whoever fears Allah, He will make his matter easy for him"
- Surah Talaq, ayah 4
One of the things I realised that this divorce was from Allah (like All things) is that despite my desperate attempts to resolve the marriage after divorce, it's as though Allah was turning her further away from me; and especially after one night of sincere duaa and istikhara once again, and going to see my ex, she turned into like an even more cold-hearted evil person (she used to spit on me), and that's when I knew alhamdulillah, my prayer was certainly answered and there was no way back.
All I can say to you and everyone suffering in a similar position is that what we suffer is nothing as compared to what the Prophet's of Allah suffered...
"Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, "When (will come) the Help of Allah?"
"alaa, inna nasrAllahi qareeb!!" - Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near!"
- Surah Baqarah, ayah 214
And depending on how soft-hearted and caring and attached a person was, with every month, believe it not, it becomes easier alhamdulillah, until the point you realise that we were blinded in the relationship and only saw them, while there are much, much better people who we deserve than that person. It took me several months to get over panic attacks and start working again, and about 1.5 years to find comfort and begin to move on.
Another thing I wanted to mention and warn all my Muslim brothers and sister - PLEASE please, for the love of Allah, keep away from anti-depressants!!!
Not only do they cause unwarranted side-effects, but actually increase you in the thoughts of suicide!
In Islam, we have a natural anti-depressant, called the Qur'aan and as-salaah, and putting trust in Allah...
and then, alhamdulillah even some herbal treatments like "St John's Wort" and Omega 3 (with high epa and dha).
Take care sister,
and may Allah subhanahu wa-ta'ala, al-musta'aan help us all who are in similar position and suffering from careless spouses and from divorce, and forgive our sins as a result of the immense hardship we face, ameen ya-rabb!
was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.
Salam brother, that's excellent advice and very reassuring. It's a comfort to know that someone else has been through something similar and understands my pain.
What I find with my husband is that he flip flops. Now that I have filed for divorce and not chasing after him or trying to fix the marriage he has changed - he's being amicable. If I start communicating with him as a wife normally would he starts hurting me. Sometimes this makes it hard. Also the fact that he's delaying the divorce from proceeding even though this was constantly what he threatened me with. It's all annoying and hurtful. I pray that just like you Allah swt gives me sabr and protects me. Ameen
Just one thing I don't agree with is about the antidepressants. They are fairly safe to take when your in a really dark place, just like you would take any other medication eg for blood pressure etc. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain which antideprrssants help to correct. I agree one of the main side effects is that in the first 2-3 weeks it may make you feel worse and suicidal but over time you actually feel better and can hopefully then wean off them. I don't believe they should be first choice - and ive decided not to take them for several reasons but i see no real harm to take them if necessary.
... and thus the reason I mentioned natural alternatives (with no side-effects or other unknown issues that it might cause to us). 🙂
You may not know, but GP's and doctors get incentives to prescribe medication even when there are safer and better alternatives. A well-known push and incentive has been for statins, and I read, also anti-depressants despite the many dangers (there was a BBC Panorama documentary about this).
Also realise that the pharmaceutical companies are in the business of making money, their share-holders have little care for human costs as long as they are constantly making money from sick people.
And thus, this leads to unethical practices such as falsified medical studies - see the drama around "tamiflu" for an example of this. Another example of fake studies to ban natural alternatives - see the drama surrounding the natural sweetener "stevia".
If you want yet more evidence, read about the case of fighting cancer naturally with massive doses of Vitamin C and the effort by big pharma which lead to publishing multiple faked studies to discredit a highly respected 2-time Nobel Laureate - Linus Pauling - they couldn't attack him due to his status, so they used erroneous statistics to discredit his work.
Take care sister,
and may Allah al-hadi ur-rahmaan guide us to that which is pleasing to Him and increase us in knowledge, ameen!
Salam guys,
I just had a quick question - now that I've filed for divorce my husband wants to meet - he hasn't signed the papers yet, but I don't understand why since he is the one who wanted the divorce and has not given me any indication for reconciliation. When we first seperated he complelty refused to meet as he did not want to reconcile. We then met once after that when I told him I was pregnant but even then he refused to take me back and didn't really talk about reconciling. I'm actually a little nervous about why he wants to meet now, when I asked him he said it's because I wanted to meet which was initially true but later I wondered whether it was the right thing to do - but what I have wanted in the past has never influenced his decisions so him wanting to meet this time is his decision really, not mine, he's doing what he thinks is best for him. I Feel worried, I know he won't harm me physically etc but mentally im so worried about why he's so keen to meet. If I do agree to meet it will be in the presence of an imam, so that we can have a 'private' conversation away from family but with a neutral reliable person. Any thoughts - im just a little panicked.
Assalam alaikum,
I reread a part of your earlier posts in which you said your husband pursued you prior to marriage until of course you married him.
You wrote that while being married to your husband you experienced:
-a lot of emotional turmoil
-your husband has a bad habit of lying (about owning property, his financial situation, going on business trips and lying about them and the most recent thing lying about a business trip
-he cheated on you
-he generally loves to look at other women even your my presence
-he has no respect for you at all
-on the honeymoon he made me withdraw cash as spending money
& the list goes on
-his family seemed to mistreat you, not give you house keys, disrespect you and expect a dowry from you and so on...
Now that you have filed for divorce,he wants to meet you. I have a strong suspicion that your husband only like the chase, not the prize--and now that you are moving on, filing for a divorce and in the process of healing, he wants you back in the place pining for him--because it makes him feel better and it allows him to control you without even being there. This is just my opinion based on your previous posts and this post.
You are meeting him in person and most likely he wants to see the effect he has on you in person--I would be careful and in addition to the Imam, I would ensure that another family be close by.
Whatever he says to you, I do not think you should give any immediate answer but instead listen and feel zero pressure in replying affirmatively or negatively to any of his questions. You could say that you need time to think and will take time for any response.
As for being worried and panicked, trust in Allah swt. Dhikr is extremely powerful in calming the nerves. Do not let your emotions run you and do no let him make you feel worried. Inn shaa Allah, all will be well and better days will soon be there for you to enjoy. May Allah swt ease your pain and difficulties, AMeen.
Salaam sister Saba,
You always give excellent and practical advice, so Jzk. I think perhaps your right, my family think exactly the same and are not happy for us to meet, but I feel it's important to know what he has to say before finalising divorce, which is a huge and frightening step for me. Anyway lets see what happens, knowing him he will flip flop and decide not to meet! Who knows.
I am actually finding it very hard to let go - but Allah knows best - rabi zidni sabr, a brilliant dua mentioned by the brother previously. I guess I am now starting to say my prayers again which is helping a little.
Pls keep me in Ur Duas, am really in need.
Do not be scared or panicked. Put your full trust in Allah swt. If your heart races, remind yourself that your trust is in Allah swt and that through your best efforts, the best thing will happen as well.
May Allah swt put your heart and mind to ease and help you through this meeting, Ameen.
wa-'alaikum as-salaam wa-rahmatullah,
An advice to myself and everyone...
The advice to divorce (unless from the wali / shaikh) can be the advice of satan.
The Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam said, Iblis (satan) establishes his throne on the water, then sends out helpers. Each of the helper of satan comes back and says that he made people do so and so, and another says, I made the people do so and so... satan tells them, you have done nothing.
And then one of the helpers of satan says, I caused discord/divorce between a husband and wife.
Satan tells this helper, well done, you have done well, and you are my close companion.
- Sahih Muslim
http://sunnah.com/muslim/52/60
I had a similar situation to you... after I filed for divorce after about 6 months, that's when my ex finally emailed to say she wanted to resolve. So I became really happy but tried to remain calm, and as we discussed further, I found that she was making demands on me and still didn't know how to compromise. Basically, I should become a slave to her and satisfy all her demands (while she couldn't even agree to one small demand from me)... and of course, a marriage can't work this way without BOTH the couple struggling and compromising together.
My only advice is for you dear sister, is that it seems it has gone too far particularly as you describe, so I advise you to follow the advice of Allah subhanahu wa-ta'ala...
So if you would like to discuss with your husband, then I urge you to ask your respected parents to discuss with their side;
or if you want to keep it a little more private, then take your wali (father) to discuss this matter between you and your husband;
or at the least, meet with your husband in front of a reputable shaykh or sharia council.
I would not advise speaking to him alone due to emotions as women (especially) can be swayed by speech.
Sheikh Yasir Qadhi's hiqma and wise advise on reconciliation...
https://youtu.be/bIgdRcZI1-Q?t=17m41s
And keep in mind, and remind your husband about Allah's promise...
Lastly, I urge you and all my dear brothers and sisters facing this issue to watch this lecture on the guidelines of divorce and what to do for reconciliation, and if all else fails...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIgdRcZI1-Q
Take care sister,
and may Allah al-mu'min ul-muhaimin grant us peace and protect us from harm, ameen!
was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.
"The advice to divorce (unless from the wali / shaikh) can be the advice of satan."
So when wali/shaikhs advise to divorce, it is never from shaitan?
Perhaps it is best to look at the entire situation (read all previous posts), assess things like abuse and risk of STI's, unreasonable unIslamic cultural demands like dowry--these are not whispers from shaitaan--these are things that some people experience in marriage--something that is supposed to bring tranquility.
To Sr. Bucks,
Only you know what you have been through and what you are going through and therefore, only you can make a decision to stay in your marriage or end the marriage. If any person stays in a marriage in which a spouse continues to show no regret for their affairs and other transgressions, it is far from ideal to continue such a relationship let alone bring a child into. Whatever your decision, I am sure it is all-encompassing and addresses all issues. None of this can be easy. And Allah swt knows best
as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah,
Dear sister Saba, inshAllah I hope you're well in health and imaan? 🙂
Alhamdulillah, yes, I read the first post also.
But you should know, as Just people, there are always two sides to a story... despite how bad I realise this looks from his side. Even in my case, I desperately wanted my ex's father and brother to get involved, and even my father to decide the best course of action.
But a Just ruler and judge will never make a case based on just listening to one side, and that's why a wali/imam/sheikh who have lots of experience in life, and have dealt with many similar cases can use their wisdom and experience to suggest the best course of action... and possibly even shake-up the man and Allahu a'lam, save the marriage.
Regardless, it's is also the hikma and advice from our creator, Allah, subhanahu wa-ta'ala, 'amma yasifoon... so we should take heed regardless of what we think.
wAllahu a'lam.
Take care,
fi-amanAllah 🙂
Wa alaikum Assalam,
We are not here to make the decision as a Just ruler--the advice is given based what information is provided...and in fact, many a times the advice starts with "If this is the case...*story from OP*....then you should consider doing......" and in the end the OP makes the decision.
We have to understand that divorce isn't always the path of shaitaan--no wonder people feel stigmatized if they are divorced--divorce is sometimes a brutal necessity. And in some cases staying in a failing marriage leads to the path of shaitaan (abuse, zina, etc)...so let's be careful because in the end the decision is the OPs.
Jazak Allah for your comment.
Asalaamaleykum,
Dear Bucks, I can completely understand what you have been going through for the last few months in your life.
It seems, that you are not at rest. You have questions in your mind, and you are unable to find any real meaning as to why you had to go through all of this. You are looking for closure, and are unsuccessful at finding it. You want to make peace, and find peace for your own-self.
Hence, you are second guessing all of your actions and words in the past. Holding on to the past (reliving every moment and memory) in hopes of finding some new insight and meaning to your whole situation at present.
You are holding yourself responsible, like I said you are second guessing. Thinking if the turn of events happened a little differently. If you reacted in a certain way instead of the way that you did, thinking that you might have been in a position of power and control, that you could have prevented all this from happening.
Mainly I sense your heart is not at peace. And your mind is not able to convince your heart to find rest.
I can sense that you are facing great depression.
Inability to sleep at night, staying awake all night. (Reliving all those moments in your mind)
You might find yourself completely drained of energy, you probably do not want to wake up in the morning and go to work or talk to anyone at all. And feel like going into a great period of hibernation. Till you start to feel better.
You have lost a sense of belonging, as to where you stand or who you are.
You might feel that you are alone now, but there is something completely different and not right about your situation. That you might perhaps feel bit more lonelier than before.
You might be feeling helplessness and hopelessness.
You are experiencing a complete change in your daily appetite for food.
And despite everything that happened you miss where you were together with him
Am I right in the matter? Please correct me, If I am wrong about anything I said above?
I greatly wish to help you. I wish I had a broader medium of communication to better help you.
I shall to do my best. As I am also going through a very similar phase in my life atm.
I don't think, there is a quick cure to your situation.
Only that it is going to take a great period of time, before you are able to leave this behind and move on with your life.
You need to find a medium to channel out what you are holding within.
Perhaps, if you have a close friend with whom. You can sit every day, and talk to them.
If you have someone you hold close to you and hold them in confidence.
You can perhaps ask them to talk to you on a regular basis.
You need to let out, whatever you are feeling inside.
Perhaps when you shared your situation on this site, and got some positive feedback.
I hope that made you feel slightly better right?
I feel that the experience that you have gone through has affected you in some ways very severely, and has left you with a sense that you have a great void within yourself. Right?
You are looking to somehow replace that void, before you can start to feel everything around you is normal again.
Also considering the facts that you had a miscarriage (I hope, I don't have that wrong. Please correct me if I am). And that fact that you always wanted to know his views, and his side of the story. His perspective of the whole situation. To which he never came-forth in sharing them with you. Which has left you seconding guessing alot. And is somehow consuming your peace from the inside. He denied alot of things to you, to which you had a right to. Hence I get a sense there is a big void within you.
The only part that you are aware of are the things that you remember that you did wrong. And you placing the whole blame on yourself. Also you are ignoring that he used to play the "Blame game" with you and that he was a pathological liar. Love having a blinding affect. You choose to perhaps believe him to a certain degree. Perhaps you believed him to have an understanding of him, or in hope of getting some closure yourself.
I know that you might be familiar with Stockholm syndrome. You have been through so much, and for so long. That I believe you have started to feel complete empathy and sympathy towards him. Mostly because you were denied your rights by him, that might have perhaps aided you in forming this opinion of him on a subconscious level that you are not fully aware of. And you still have a positive outlook towards him. and you have a negative outlooks towards yourself. (Since you never knew his side of the story, you forgave him for many things even cheating to somehow avail peace between the two of you. And when it was an unsuccess you presuming that the complete fault must lie within you and no one else. you should'nt blame yourself. it's not your fault. You tried, he did'nt)
At the moment, I am constrained for time. And this medium of communication is proving a bit difficult for me to communicate all that I have to share with you, and a few questions that I wanted to ask you. There is still alot more that I wish to share with you, in order to help you. Especially in light of Islam, that I really wish to share.
Towards the end, before I penoff I would like you to know.
To clap you need two hands. And in any relationship, it is never just one person's complete fault, and the other person's none. No matter how thin a paper is, it always has two sides right? You are very forthcoming in admitting and acknowledging things that you did wrong in your relationship. That says alot about you, and your character. You mentioned times too many, that you wanted to work out things with him. But he was very reluctant. There is no need for you to put the entire blame on yourself. You are a human being after all.
And he was the man in the relationship. It should have been his role to set things and matters straight.
You did try, to the best and far above and beyond the call than was required. You did everything, but you are left with a sense of great remorse and sadness. You should'nt blame yourself, and you should'nt feel this way. You should'nt let any dark clouds grow inside of you.
Now take a look at that man. Does he have any guilt bearing down on his shoulders? He automatically blames you for everything, and takes no responsibility unto himself. He continues to live his life, the way he wants to live his life. He has lied to you, and to others he has lied about you.
Why should you feel hurt when that man feels nothing in regards to letting you.
He never took you, or his marriage to you seriously. and you are taking it too seriously that you are still blaming yourself for something that is not your fault.
believe me when I say this to you. You played your role very faithfully and honestly. You are not at fault. You are not to blame. For what has happened to you in your life. You can't hold yourself responsible. You can't punish yourself for something that takes two human beings to work very hard to achieve and build. Please don't hold yourself responsible for the things he did. In life you are not able to control the actions or words of another individual, you can only approach them with a little advice and care for reconciliation. To that end you have done everything right. and you did everything that you can possibility have. You over looked his extra marital affairs. Other women would not be so forgiving. You really tried Bucks, you gave it your all. I am very sorry it didn't work out to the way you had hoped and dreamed for it to work out. This happens to the best of us at times. Life is like that at times.
You need to learn how to smile. and move on. I would like you to think, that you are not alone, and that there are people here who are genuinely interested in helping you.
You might be left faced with two options. One to start to hate that person. You might think, that is the only way to get rid of him from your mind and thoughts. you might want to wish ill and bad to him for everything that he caused you to suffer and the pain he made you go through. I feel, you are not this person. And you should not react in this manner.
You have a second choice. You may choose to look back on this moment in time. And be grateful for what it has taught you. How this event has helped you transform into a better person. and everything that you have learned from it. And under the even extreme circumstances you always did the right thing. It might amaze yourself, when you look back. to learn this side of yourself, that you perhaps did'nt know even existed. and that you did well.
Although that man never did much to bring your happiness. you should still pray for him. and wish him well. and hope that he comes to light, and finds his true path in light of Islam. Perhaps one day, a long time from now. He would reflect back too, and learn of his cruel acts and mistakes that he had done upon you. And see and remember that you gave that relationship more than it deserved. And knowing that he might want to start to be a better person.
And believe in the here after, There is Justice. Allah will reward you for everything that you did and you went through. For how much you tried.
Only when you choose to wish him well. Which is what Islam tells us to do. Our beloved Holy Prophet (SAW) had enemies and he used to shower them with love. So when you choose to wish him well and wish him happiness. Only then will you find your own happiness and you will get back on your journey in life to find your true path, purpose and behold more happiness.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
I have to go now. Please take care of yourself. Smile, it's Sunnah.
I will try to look for you again, and see if I can further assist you. If you wish any further.
regards,
K.
Salam, you have all given sound advice, and I appreciate it very much. I think with regards to family being present when we meet, although they will support me in whatever decision I make, they are completely against me reconciling with him, therefore meeting with an imam would be better but he is reluctant to meet in a mosque. I think after everything him and his family put me through its hard for my family to trust him anymore, especially since he hasn't really given any real indication for reconciling, so I don't want to put my family through the pain of having to see him again. I have postponed meeting him because I'm scared of why he wants to meet, and more than likely he'll decide not to meet at the last minute anyway - which is typical of him. My sole reason to meet him would be that I still have a slight hope of reconciling and I hope that he would have changed, but I know that will be a miracle. His reasons to meet are unclear - it may be a pass time, possibly for closure, or he's so anglicised that he may want to remain friends - which DEFINITELY won't be happening if the divorce is finalised. Who knows. If he does want to reconcile then he's not showing me much change, his behaviour is exactly the same - he still switches his phone off if he doesn't want to talk and only God knows what he's getting up to and with whom in the time his phone is off, it's still heartbreaking. Im just scared that after meeting him I will become emotionally attached to him once again because I still love him as my husband, which is really bizarre but i just can't let go - I know that if he showed even a little bit of remorse and wanted to try again I would defintly go back to him, which annoys me. I don't think it's him that I miss, I just really crave marriage, having a family children etc. I'm happy for my siblings, cousins and friends who are all settled, but it pains me when I'm so close yet so far from having the same thing, so I just sometimes think that if he does want to get back together then I'll agree because I want to be married and there's no guarantee that I'll ever marry again after this. I can have children and and just focus on them. I know it's an illogical way to think but it's how I feel.
Unfortunately, me filing for divorce has been very half hearted process, which is making his even harder. I have only taken this step because he has pushed me into a corner where I have seen no other way out. He in the mean time has not signed his side of the papers for me to proceed further, although when I ask him why not he tells me that he will and that his solicitor is dealing with it - for the past five weeks!! More than likely he's lying to stall the process for whatever reason. He has not shown or said to me that he is upset that I have filed or that he misses me and wants to reconcile. I know he's quite crafty when he wants his way - he will rarely say outright he will play mind games until he has me exactly where he wants me. If he sincerely wanted to make things work with a clean and warm heart he would do things the right way, respectfully, with family involvement.
I can feel myself slipping back into the pain and hurt all over again. I need to stay strong. Thank you once again for all you words of advice and comfort. Please keep me in your duas.
SubhanAllah, I know _EXACTLY_ how you feel dear sister!!
I was in the exactly same place and thought process as you.
I was looking for any slight, tiny hope, any sort of sign or signal from my ex that she still wanted marriage to work or any indication of remorse and softness in her heart!
So like you, I hung-on for hope, like dear life, that she might want to try again for over a year after separation!
But as I mentioned, the clear signal for me came after sincere istikhara...
actually even then I still wished Allah might put something in her heart...
but sadly it didn't happen.
The more I prayed and did istikhara, the more she drifted away.
Alhamdulillah, because Allah subhanahu wa-ta'ala, in His infinite wisdom might have saved me from a bigger disaster, and clearly a reason why Allah aza wajal chose to turn her away.
To be honest, I still make duaa even though it's been almost 2 years.
Heh, what strange humans we are 🙂
You're certainly right, stay strong, don't give in to his demands and ignore contact... let him chase you and call/txt you constantly to test him in his sincerity.
If he doesn't want to meet in front of a sheikh/imam, then I wouldn't establish contact, because just like you mentioned, you're at a weak point and looking for any hope, like I was. And it would be very easy for you to get pulled-in to his words.
Anyway, do istikhara, make sincere duaa, and let him chase you and show you his sincerity.... otherwise, break contact.
My husband says he wants to meet to finish things amicably - does that make sense. He hasn't said he is meeting to reconcile. Apparently his solicitors have the divorce papers but he just needs to pay them for the process to proceed. I don't know what to do, I don't understand how meeting him would help things end amicably - esp since I don't really even want things to end. I'm so worried.
He also keeps telling me he is with someone now - some model he met when he went on holiday, and then laughs about it and says he is joking. It really hurts me, but he finds it funny.
Asalaamaleykum,
You are completely aware, that while you were with him that you were not happy. And as you said, for a period of 9 months you tried your best to reconcile with him, but he was'nt interested in reconciliation. Hence you were left with only one option to file for divorce.
As I said before you are second guessing every single choice that you are making. And you are also in a state of deep depression. In this state people often perceive things to their own choosing, and are not completely familiar with real facts or reality of the situation.
From his side, He is completely aware of your situation. And he knows how everything is affecting you. I have a feeling that he will not leave you alone even after the divorce papers are finalized. It would seem to me he would try to get in touch with you, and play some cards of sorts.
You said, after this, you are not going to ever get married again. You are on the wrong track.
Like I said, there is no instant cure for your situation. You are gonna need time to fully heal.
After that, you will come to see. That the decisions that you are making, while you are not completely yourself were not right. (In terms of not wanting to marry again)
You need to talk to someone. to be your anchor and pillar of support. you are gonna relapse again and again. thinking you should go back to him. and that you should try harder. And under no circumstances what so ever should you try to contact him again. If he becomes aware. that you are not fully over him. And that he has some power over you, he will again start to play cards.
He will say whatever he feels he needs to say. To what he thinks you want to hear from him. Like, I was a fool to let go of you. and i have realized that you are the one etc etc blah blah blah.
After the divorce, the kind of a man that he is. he is going to perhaps look for ways to hurt you. You need to completely stay away from him. and dont' trust him.
You are blaming yourself too much. You are putting too much pressure on yourself.
We all have that one dream of finding our soulmate, getting married. and starting our happily ever after. and having kids finding a small house and so on .
And because of this incident with this guy, you are not experiencing your happiness. The fault lies with this man. Not with you.
You are going back into your shell. you are building walls around your heart again. you are shutting and closing yourself up. That is not the right way to go about this please.
Get over this guy. take some time to heal and recover. This time be more smarter and wiser in choosing the right guy for yourself. you got alot of time ahead of yourself.
If you are not going to marry again. you are gonna let those walls that you build around your heart. You are gonna let it become your tomb. you are gonna then reflect back and wish that you tried again.
Every body deserves happiness and love in life. That includes you, It's not like you are an exception.
Islam does permit us, to get married again after a divorce. And you have to get married and have kids. and that is a part of completing your deen. you just have to find a decent guy. and there are plenty of them out there.
Perhaps this is too soon, for me to be talking to you about this. when you are fixated at the situation at present. how much proof do you need that that guy was not the right choice for you. That he would never have been able to keep you happy. That guy is anything but serious. saying he met a model over the holiday. Please.
You need to start talking to someone everyday. have sort of sessions. you really need to vent all the turmoil of emotions that you are going through. I don't see that you are strong enough atm, but with time Inshallah you will be strong, and you will be able to move on.
Otherwise, the state that you are in. you are keep going to stay that way. or if you move on. you are going to go into relapse again and again. I would really like to help you, if you want me to. so please let me know.
Take care
regards,
K
Sister thank you for your kind words. How will you be able to help me. I would appreciate any help. Ive been feeling this way for ten months - but this is much much better than how I used to be. I still don't understand how he could treat me so horribly, it's just evil. Not only him but also his family. He just doesn't remember any of the good things and the love that I gave him. Yet he continues to stall things and let's me chase after him which im only guessing is because he wants to hurt me. I feel so sad today again, I can feel myself becoming emotionslly attached to him and him trying to ignore me and hurt me again. I don't know what is wrong with me, I don't know how to move on and let go of him. Ive tried eveyrhing in my power to do this but I just can't. I'm so tired.
Asalaamaleykum,
Like I said earlier if you recall.
That I am also going through a very similar phase in my life at the moment, but under different circumstances. That is why I am finding it easier to understand your situation, and can easily relate to yours.
You can look up my post.
My Soon-to-be-wife has left me suddenly, And I am still deeply in love with her.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/my-soon-to-be-wife-has-left-me-suddenly-and-i-am-still-deeply-in-love-with-her/
I would like to help you in overcoming your grief of bereavement with your husband.
I would like to share my own personal thoughts, and give you advice and teachings in light of Islam. For you to consider things and matters from a different angle which might help you change your perceptive of things, and to help you come to form a positive outlook on things yourself.
I can understand that you are going through depression, and I would like to help you overcome it. Also you need to know that while in depression, a person perspective is quite different. You need to be told, what other options, or choices you have.
Also, as I said earlier, you need to have an anchor and have a system of support. To have someone to talk to you, when you are feeling doubts again. Instead of going and initiating an unnecessary conversation with your husband. Which is not helpful for you, but would further snowball your problems.
I feel you also need to communicate, and vent out all your thoughts and emotions that are dwelling inside of you. You need a medium to channel all that out. I feel it will be healthy if you just talk and share your thoughts with someone.
Also I would like to disclose to you, that I am not a trained professional.
But throughout my life. I have been helping a few individuals out and I have been very successful in helping them overcome their situation.
I am new myself here, so I am not completely familiar with the rules and guidelines of this community/website. So if you decided to let me help you. I think you should have a word with the admin first.
Towards the end, I can only offer to help you. And that the choice is yours, to choose anyway you like. And if you do decide to accept . We should set a time period after which you should evaluate your own situation. If it is helpful, then you can choose to continue. if not. then you can simply pull out.
regards,
K.
P.S FYI: I am a brother, Not a sister.
"Yet he continues to stall things and let's me chase after him which im only guessing is because he wants to hurt me. I feel so sad today again, I can feel myself becoming emotionslly attached to him and him trying to ignore me and hurt me again"
sister, why are you chasing this man. you are causing yourself pain. if he is ignoring you, clearly doesnt want to talk what are you gaining running after him begging for his attention? i know its not nice to hear, but u need to be strong, and show you have respect for yourself and that you can live without him.
"I don't know how to move on and let go of him. Ive tried eveyrhing in my power to do this but I just can't"
you say you have done all things possible but look in your heart do you belive this??
have u let go?
letting go means letting go complety. no contact is the first step. change your number if needs be. block his contact from emails phone so he has no means of reaching you and vice versa.
secondly you cant sit and dwell on past or how evil he is for treating you horribly. if he has wronged you have no doubt allah will punish him weather or not u see this or not.
you need to shift the focus from him to you. it seems you have spent all this energy trying to win him back, you can either be a victim of his actions or you can try and move on. when yo usay you cant, its not that you cant, its that deep down you dont want to. you hhave to change this way of thinking,
Assalam alaikum,
Dear Sr. Bucks, please the read the following verses very carefully:
If you do not know what to do, that is fine. However, at least do not allow yourself to be mistreated. The Quran is clear on how a woman is to be divorced and her rights and even to the point that she should be let go in kindness. Where on earth does your husband get the idea that he can end things amicably on the surface when his words and actions are full of hurt? Please, please, do not allow yourself to be mistreated by permitting your husband to do so with this kind of access to you.
Rely on Allah swt for He is sufficient for you and for any of us.
I agree sister Saba, in fact I rememebr before I married him, I mentioned that the reason why I wanted to marry someone who was religiously inclined and morally good was that even if things went wrong he would still treat me respect and kindness and I shared this ayah with him. And you know what he replied - that there are still sick men out there who will cause pain to women. Funny how he is doing exactly that.
I have just listened to this lecture: it's given me some peace but obviously its confirmed for me that the steps taken by my husband are so unislamic but ive given up trying to tell him. Anyway have a listen to this: http://youtu.be/tOesCP--Yg0
Thanks for sharing the link I appreciate it.
Someone recently mentioned him to me, to join his online classes.
I am sharing a link, to his new e-book.
http://www.likeagarment.com/bonus-download/LikeAGarment_eBook.pdf
the e-book is on topic of marriage and rights.
Asalaamaleykum Sister Bucks,
I wanted to further share some things with you. And I wanted you to take some time to ponder about it. I hope it helps you overcome thing..
I want to share it with you in hopes that it will bring some clarity and closure for you on the subject.
You might be familiar with "mind games" individuals often play on each other.
For instance, it is very common when there are two people in a relationship. That the one person hurts the other person. Not really wanting to hurt them. But to affirm that the other person is still devotied to them. To see how much the other person cares or loves them. But people not knowing the right ways to go about it; unknowingly do things the wrong way because they Feel it is right way to go
It's very common, a person in doubt, wants to know if the significant other really loves them or not. A rational and simple method would be to go and ask them, and get a direct answer.
But people in this stage, don't want to appear weak. They don't take the simple approach of going and communicating face to face. Because they think, if they go and ask them. They would appear weak. they will not hold a place of higher standing. With doubts and fear steering their actions. What they do is.
They go and hurt the other person with a simple and sharp comment. To see if the reaction of the other person when hurt. how does he react. If the significant other professes love. ( or as they say bleeds love for them) Then they feel it is safe to back off and let the guard down. And put those walls down that they had in fear of getting hurt, and they can go forward and reward their significant other) If the other person doesn't respond well. (Which is often the case, which does nothing but escalate things badly between the two.)
I hope you understood what I am trying to share with you.
coming to my point.
Think for a moment, suppose the guy that you were with. Had at some point really decided that he wanted out of the relationship he had with you. How do you think a Man, would go about this?
Would he come straight forward to you, and talk to you about it honestly. That he wants out of the relationship?
Meanwhile in the process, accepting that he doesn't want to work or fix this relationship anymore.
And suppose if you are not willing to let go. and if you advised him to take something like couples counseling etc or any other thing to give it another try.
How will he be in a position to say No to you. When clearly he doesn't want to try. But he does'nt want you to know that either. And that he has already made up his decision. (without requiring any consultation from your side)
He puts himself in a very difficult position. First of all when all people will find out. You will be quoting His Words to everyone. that he asked for a divorce. That he came and asked me for a divorce. he will be termed the bad guy.
When you ask him to give it another shot try couples counseling. It would prove very difficult for him to say no, he doesn't want to try. Knowing that, his answer will hurt you on many levels. and that guilt will render on his conscious for a long time.
i hope you are following me. (i feel perhaps i am not explaining myself clearly)
Just ask if you ask an alcoholic or a gambler. That they have an addiction. They will never ever admit. that they do.
Now, lets assume, that the guy in question. Had for some reason made up his mind. he wants to quit this relationship.
(Men when they make a decision. feel that they can make all decisions themselves without the help or assistance of another. Whenever a man is looking for a place. and he is lost. he will continue to look for the place himself, even when not having a clue as to where he is. . But he will never stop and ask for directions.
he will not want to ask, because he does'nt want to appear weak to anyone)
(Women, generally when they have something on their mind work in the opposite way. They will invite friends or family and discuss each and every issue of the situation in much detail before forming a decision of their own. and they will also repeatedly ask others of their opinions and understanding.
If a woman even thinks she is lost while driving. she will never take a chance. but stop and ask the first person for directions)
How do you think he would go out about it. And Make it happen.
From what you have shared with me. it makes sense to me. and he fits that profile.
That he started ignoring you. (I really wished you explained the term "Flip Flop" in detail to me, so i could squeeze some more understanding of the situation).
He used to turn his phone off right. He used to say he would be back in a week. but be gone for a month.
Taking into consideration. These acts are very bold. They are also statements that prove. Thou while you were his wife, he just didn't care. Perhaps he had decided he wanted to get divorced.
How do you ask for a divorce, without being the bad guy in the picture?
He would do all those things, that would provoke you and hurt you. and keep doing it to the extent that you have no way out of it. But you are only left with one possible course of action to take. Which is the option he wants you to make. to ask for a divorce yourself.
Like you said. you were driven to the corner, and left with no choice to file for divorce. Which you didn't want or agree with. but you had no choice.
And whenever you asked him for something. he never clearly says no. he makes excuses to confuse you. thus buying him time to stall you and get away without ever promising anything.
Now that you are filing for divorce.
When other people find out about it. He can easily quote. She filed for divorce not me. In a situation like this, as long as you are the victim and you can prove it's the other person's fault. you know that you will get the sympathy vote to work for you from the people around you
I never met the guy, I never knew him. But from what I can gather about him. This likely fits his Modus operandi. thou i may be wrong. I am sharing this with you. Cause you are in a better position then me to judge the situation. I am only trying to provide you with the tool in efforts to help made the decision yourself.
Another thing about men and women is.
Women, react first, and take action later. They are more of an emotional beings.
Men, Act first. and then react later. They try to be more logical (in their own unique ways) the emotions of things set in them much later.
a simple example. A Man in an argument is most likely to raise his hand first. and then repent it later emotional. And try to defend himself with excuses or reasons.
A woman. would have an emotional response first, and takes no physical action. A woman would only take a physical action, if something is confirmed that the husband has been unfaithful. if she has concrete evidence first in her hand. even then some women choose to deal with it, in a respectable way and feel the tendency to take no physical action.
Perhaps. now that you have filed for divorced. The gravity of the situation has now started to take it's effect on him. But being the man that he is. he is going to take alot of time. He will never agree to the terms and conditions that you are offering him. When you want him to do it.
Meaning he will take his sweet time before he signs the papers. And as long as you want him to sign the papers. He will keep stalling you.
Whenever you are going to ask him to sign the papers. he will not say that he does'nt want to sign the papers, because he does'nt wish to do what you ask him to do. To give the satisfaction of you getting what you want, when you want it.
He will make excuses. Lame excuses. The one that he can pull out of thin air at the spur of the moment. that he thinks is mostly likely that you would believe him on.
More likely when you give up asking him to sign for the papers. Perhaps. then he will hand-in the signed papers.
But if you really want the divorce to take place. I think you should take legal action. Where your lawyer corners him to make him sign the papers. Or you take it to court.
The profile of this persons character would describe. He thinks that he is the Man, he is special and in control all the time of everything. He has no sense of connection or relationship. He is perhaps damaged or broken inside. that he is incapable of having any long term relationship with anyone.. But he may be unaware of this. This may lie somewhere in his subconscious.
He may believe, he deserves happiness and love elsewhere. But he does'nt know what that place is. But he believes it firmly. and he is likely to jump from one person to the other person. In pursuit of his delusion.
I hope this has helped shed some light for you.
regards,
K
Salaam brother, that was very insightful and a very interesting piece of advice. I also read your story and wanted to say that although it must have been difficult when your fiancé left without explanation, in my eyes it's actually a blessing in disguise. I pray Allah swt guides you to a pious spouse who is a source of joy for u in this world and the hereafter, ameen.
With regards to your explanation, I would have to agree with most of it. I certainly do think my husband is stalling, and it's giving me sleepless nights because I feel as though I am wasting my life holding onto unrealistic hope. He is actually making the process even more painful for me, it took me months of pain and courage to finally file for divorce and then went through sleepless nights and panic attacks after i filed, and now to have to force the next step and actually ask him to sign the papers is making me feel even worse, at the moment I can't do it. It's so frustrating.
The aspect of him not wanting to be the bad guy doesn't apply. In the past he has openly expressed that the marriage is over and he wants a divorce. His family have openly encouraged and pushed him towards divorce too. When I cried and begged him like a fool to take me back he even went to the extent of saying that we are separate and therefore are now allowed to see other people - it actually makes me so angry that he disrespects me so much. I understand completely that his actions are a very clear indication that he just doesn't care. However, in the past when I reached maximum tolerance I had in fact asked him to send me the blasted divorce papers rather than having to listen to him threaten me all the time. He made up so many stupid excuses to not send them. When he finally did they were incomplete, not signed, incorrect and not sent to court or to a solicitor and so they were invalid and he was well aware of this. So by doing this he has already demonstrated and shown everyone he is the one initiating the divorce. However he doesn't go the whole way because I'm guessing he enjoys causing me pain and wants to waste my time and seek some kind of revenge on me by holding onto me and preventing me from moving on. Also In his mind, as far as my understanding goes, he simply didn't believe that I was strong enough to file, so when I did he was shocked and started showing some interest in speaking to me and trying to meet. But when I responded, he again lost interest because it probably confirmed to him that he still has a chance to win me back.
Also in the past it's actually been him who has initiated seeing a counsellor. He went out of his way to book sessions to move forward and make the marriage work etc only to then back out at the last minute (unprovoked) and say it's not going to work and disappear with his phone switched off.
Even now he is flip flopping in the sense that he will call or respond to me when it suits him. When it doesn't, no matter how important the matter might be he will ignore me, but he is very sneaky and diplomatic about it now. When he talks to me it's as though we are old friends, and I find this so bizarre, so I avoid talking to him because it annoys me. It's been over a month since I sent him the papers, and he has made up silly excuses to not sign them, yet he doesn't talk about reconciling. Only a very lowly man would do this. I am actually baffled and appalled that his family run a business based on islam, people in his family are heavily involved with mosques, deliver khutbahs etc yet they fail to address what is going on inside their own home. These ppl are role models to him yet they have treated me so unjustly and have gained so much respect from strangers. I would rather have married someone who was openly alcoholic but was truthful so I knew exactly what I was getting myself into, rather than a bunch of freaks who claim to be religious and love allah yet mess around with other people's lives.
The only explanation I can think of is that he has had a disgusting upbringing , has poor role models and is actually mentally unwell.
SubhanAllah, your ex sounds exactly like my ex-wife.
The same thing happened when I eventually filed for divorce.
By the way, you don't need to go through (super expensive) solicitors for divorce, you can actually do it fairly easily through an online agency, which I also used: http://www.divorce-online.co.uk/
I'm sure there's similar services in other countries.
Also, in Islam, the non-Muslim court marriage doesn't matter, if your husband divorced you by saying "you are divorced", then you are Islamically divorced and you can more on (after your iddah period).
The only reason I got divorce through the UK courts was to show her I was serious, and also, so that she couldn't make claims against me in the future for money, etc.
By the way, I'm not sure about other countries, but the UK court heavily favours women and they can claim against the man any compensation, like half the wealth, etc 😉
... it's even worse in the case of adultery.
Of course, I'm not saying you should do that.
Salaam brother,
Lol he has nothing for me to claim against him - if anything im extremely worried he will claim against me. He has nothing whereas I have savings, property which is worth a lot and all sorts of other things.
I'm actually just exhausted and seriously have zero interest in marriage, I just don't think its worth the hassle. My solicitor has advised me re the next steps, but again this will cost me. I'm thinking I will just meet him since this is what he seems to want and then he may himself sign the papers.
wa-alaikum as-salaam wa-rahmatullah,
SubhanAllah, dear sister, just as I and others have advised, don't met him alone!
In fact, you shouldn't even be in contact with him directly, rather it should be your solicitor or your father/older brother/uncle.
You're in an emotional state and stressed, and perhaps not completely thinking logically, so if you must meet him, you should take your father or older brother (or even uncle) with you (wali). Otherwise, you're putting yourself in danger of being perhaps further used and abused.
I'm not completely clear, but if he divorced you verbally (or in writing), and it has been 3 months, then you are both strangers to each other.
And may Allah subhanahu wa-ta'ala help you and help all our caring brothers/sister who are in a similar state, ameen ya-rabb!
He's never said im divorcing you - just keeps threatening to do it. But then changed his mind a few times and questioned if we could get back togerher eg counselling etc. He has said things like it's over, and that he can't see a future - im not sure if that counts as a divorce. And in writing again he hasn't explicitly said divorce nor signed anything, the papers he sent were downloaded from the net and incomplete.
So in my mind we're not divorced hence why I filed for divorce myself and khula etc. But I'm confused now, maybe he thinks we are but then he continues to communicate and arrange to meet and says agrees that we're not divorced. God the whole thing is a mess. I'll take someone with me. The thing that really baffles me is why on earth he's stalling things if he doesn't want to reconcile or has any interest in me. I feel like I'm being punished.
Waalaikumsalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,
Please tell me, how are you at present coping with your situation?
I did previously ask you a few questions.
I will copy and repost it.
""""I can sense that you are facing great depression.
Inability to sleep at night, staying awake all night. (Reliving all those moments in your mind)
You might find yourself completely drained of energy, you probably do not want to wake up in the morning and go to work or talk to anyone at all. And you feel like going into a great period of hibernation. Till you start to feel better.
You have lost a sense of belonging, as to where you stand or who you are.
You might feel that you are alone now, but there is something completely different and not right about your situation. That you might perhaps feel bit more lonelier than before.
You might be feeling helplessness and hopelessness.
You are experiencing a complete change in your daily appetite for food.
And despite everything that happened you miss where you were together with him
Am I right in the matter? Please correct me, If I am wrong about anything I said above?""""
Please share with me, what you are going through. I am gonna try from my side to help you. I really wanna help you. These situations normally take a very long time to recover from. I want to help and speed up the recovery. Share with me what is making you have sleepless nights, and what is causing you to have panic attacks.
For the next few days, I have a few work related things to deal with. I shall try to make time.
Meanwhile, I want you to focus and explain to me with details what you are going through. So I may be better able to assess your situation. And also share your thoughts with me, as to how you think, and want to overcome them. In your own words, how do you think you can overcome your problems and situations. and please share them with me.
Remember, you are not alone. Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is watching over you. You do not need to worry or fear anything. Make your relationship with Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala stronger. Have your complete faith and trust in Allah. He is the most beneficial and merciful. He is the best of planners and best of providers. And you have alot in life to look forward to.
Also if there any questions that are dwelling in your mind. That you need help in seeking answers with. Be sure to share them with me too. Alright?
I want to share some dua's with you. After esha prayers, before going to sleep. I think you should say these dua's. I hope they help you .
" Oh Allah the stars have gone and the eyes of people have sunk into deep slumber.
Verily you are ever lasting and eternal. Neither sleep nor slumber can seize you.
Oh everlasting and eternal Bless my night with peace and my eyes with sleep"
" Oh you the everlasting and all sustainer. I fervently call upon your mercy so that you may set right all my affairs and may not leave me to myself for a blink of any eye."
regards
K.
I think the panic and anxiety stem from the fact that I'm getting older, my
Biological clock is ticking, yet he continues to waste my time. I wonder how someone can have so little regard for their spouse who in essence hasn't really done anything wrong! It's the same story to be honest that keeps circulating in my mind. I'm just compleltly drained now.
Look, it's only a matter of time before he signs the papers. And your marriage is annulled.
You have your entire life ahead of yourself. I can understand your reason for thinking the way you are. I am been there done that.
You might not like what I am about to say right now. But you perhaps see as to why I am telling you this.
Mashallah, you are a Muslim, and Islam commands us all to get married.
You are gonna have to start thinking about it seriously soon.
I can understand you need time to heal. But don't take too long.
You have'nt done anything wrong. You should not blame yourself for how your marriage turned out to be. You perhaps made an error in judgement for the man that you choose. that happens to the best of us. And for that you are giving up everything, that you once wanted in your life to experience.
You are giving up your dream of parenthood, of having your own family.You are giving up on happiness and love just because of what happened. Where it wasn't even your fault.
Why should you make this sacrifice when you are innocent? And when that guy who is the guilty one, is probably out looking for someone else already.
This time you are wiser, and much smarter. I know you are going to find the right person this time. And piece by piece everything is going to fit back into it's place. And you are going to have your life and happiness back. Inshallah.
You need to find someone who respects you for who you are. Who is really good and religious. Who understands that a person needs to put alot into a marriage to make it work. and he is willing to do that.
And sooner or later you are definitely going to find someone. You are gonna have the chance to have parenthood. And you can really help your children learn alot. Don't you want that?
you just need to find an honest guy, who is reliable, dedicated, hard working. Who appreciates and values family. You need to get to know that person and his family before hand. You have to ask your own family to take part in the process. In helping you choose and advise you.
get to know the person. Ask him what does he want from marriage. What does he want in 10 years. Discuss at lenght everything with him, to get to know his true identity and character.
Ask him, how should one go to fix problems. Ask him if he has anger issues. Really get to know the guy with the help of your family.
I want you to seriously think about it. you need to complete half of your deen. And Islam seriously encourages women that they should get married. You probably know this already, but there is nothing in Islam, that says, that you shouldn't look for happiness and love in life. Or that you should give up and spend the rest of your life alone.
It is still perhaps too early for me to be saying this to you. I hope I have not upset or offended you. And If I have I deeply apologize. But whether you like it or not. Sooner or later you are going to have to seriously re-consider marrying someone again.
And for your sake, i hope you choose to do it soon than much later.
About your panic and anxiety attacks. When they happen how bad does it get for you. from a scale of 1 to 20. 20 being excruciatingly unbearable.
would you say, you are doing fine in dealing with your anxiety and panic attacks. ?
Or do you think you really need help while going through it?
Let me know.
Salam brother,
No you haven't offended me, I appreciate the advice. I think the Panic attacks are manageable - I don't have them anymore during the day just in the middle of the night which prevents me from sleeping but I'm coping.
About marrying again, I just don't have those feelings or desire anymore, but I'm sure time will heal and who knows I may be able to think differently in the future. Right now I feel like a failure and im embarassed about what's happened. I am the only person in my social circle to be going through divorce. I feel paranoid about what ppl must think of me.
Also the fact that he hasn't signed the papers and wants to meet is giving me hope that he may still consider reconciling, I don't think anyone would want to meet for a break up - this isn't something he's done in the past - he refused to meet me when we first seperated. But then I panic and feel disheartened when I remember the things he has done and said that would clearly indicate that the marriage is over.
My head is a compelte mess.
You should not feel embarrassed for being human and those in your social circle do not have faced your trials, nor you theirs.
Whenever I am grief-stricken, I take refuge in knowing the following:
By worrying about your social circle, you enslave yourself in a way that is detrimental to your being. It is hard for all of us because there is always something that tempts and tests us into making us its slave--for some, their love, their career, their money, society...etc...but we have to look through it and re-focus.
JazakAllah khair sister Saba for those beautiful ahadith and reminders, particularly the first! 🙂
Salam Alikum Sister Buck,
You are giving your ex too much power, your mood stir up and disturbed whenever he breaths and move. Your mind and your life are so influenced by his reaction. HE LOVES THAT. I will give you a honest advise if you want to get back to your life sooner.
1. To admit that he is not a good husband and your marriage HAS finished.
2. Cut off any contact with him. Renew your phone, email account or move out the town if possible.
3. Only deal with him with a lawyer and DHL. If paper is incomplete, send it back. Do not even bother to chase him for finalizing the divorce, let you lawyer to deal with it. (if there is no rush, let it be, let him be the one want the paper done. This is a game he is playing.)
4. Do not talk to him, do not try to ask around about him. Cut him out of your picture.
5. Occupy yourself with work or develop a new interest, sports, attend islamic lectures. Shift your focus from your situation. I know two divorcees developed a new venture and moved on with the new life faster and healthier: marathon and mountain climbing.
I know it seems harsh but I couldn't help to see you always back and forth in dealing with the divorce and allow yourself to get hurt. You don't deserve it, you are an intelligent woman and you did your best and ENOUGH to save this marriage.
I recently read an article: "The kindness of the Muslim men who helped me leave behind my miserable marriage". I cut and past some of the encouraging sentences from the author, I hope it can help you to go through your process.
http://www.theguardian.com/theobserver/she-said/2014/apr/27/the-kindness-of-the-muslim-men-who-helped-me-leave-behind-my-miserable-marriage
"I worked out why it took me so long to leave. I was simply unwilling to give up. The journey that ended in divorce was one of the most difficult and painful experiences of my life."
"I stopped recognizing the man I loved during the time we were together, my ego and the love I felt for him prevented me from swallowing this painful truth and moving on."
"I was the only one who could claw my life back, I owe them my sanity and well being."
"I needed to get healthier in order to make a good decision about my future. He (the Imam) helped me to regain my confidence, to love myself again and reminded me over and over how sacred the bond of marriage is in Islam. How Islam guides us to treat our spouse with supreme kindness and love and if we are unable too, then they must leave them with respect and kindness.
http://www.theguardian.com/theobserver/she-said/2014/apr/27/the-kindness-of-the-muslim-men-who-helped-me-leave-behind-my-miserable-marriage
MashAllah, good advice.
Something many other brothers made me realise is that by chasing around my ex, I was actually feeding her with energy to move on even more easily. Basically, the more I chased her, the stronger she became, and further away. So that's also when I knew I had to cut off contact and redevelop my connection with family and friends, and talk to them about it - talking helps 🙂
Salaam sis, I read the link, very true how people judge those who are divorced - I have a feeling that will happen if I ever look to find someone the traditional way. I Am pretty sure people will judge me and reject me based purely on the fact that I am a divorcee - this really worries me. But on the other hand my family and close friends have been amazing. They saw the changes in me during the marrisge, they saw me going insane, becoming depressed and suicidal. They listened to my version of events and gave me amazing support to leave the marriage. I think I probably would have been dead by now if I didn't have their support. The amazing thing was that they gave clear advice and listened to me go on for days and months about my feelings. In the initial stages I was a wreck, my friends sat with me for hours. My parents stayed up with me all night. My siblings were available 24/7. And even people at work showed endless support. Not to forget people on this website who poured their heart out to me. Alhamdulillah, this gives me hope that good people do exist, I just need to cut off feelings for my husband and somehow accept that the marriage is probably conpleltly over - i still haven't given up, but I need to move on.
Jzk sister for Ur kind words. I'm glad to hear that you are moving on, it's always comforting to know that im not alone and other good people have gone through something similar. I will take a look at the links you have posted inshaAllah.
I have been feeling so depressed and irritated again. I thought I was finally getting over it but I keep seeing his family in the media - meeting renowned scholars, talking about justicd, delivering khutbahs, handling madrasahs, leading prayers and it makes my blood boil. I am having a hard time dealing with everything, but him and his family are pretending as though eveyrhing is a-okay. They are putting me through hell, even after I have made it so easy for him he is keeping me in limbo - he knows how hard it is for me to take the step to file and then to take the next step if he stalls. Why me? Why did they pick me to bully and mistreat. Why are they getting away with it and being presented to the world as though they are angels? If they are so religious why Are they not punishing my husband for his behaviour, for messing around with other women, for purposeIy keeping me tied to him when he has no real intention of reconciling. Why were they involved in throwing me out of the marital home and endoruaging my husband to hate me and divorce me. Where were their islamic principles then ??? I based my marriage solely on the fact that I thought my husband was religious and had good morals. It's so hard for me to not expose them, I want the whole world to know what the truth is about them. But I hold back in the hope that Allah swt will punish them or at least guide them.
I want my husband to realise that he is in the wrong. I want him to feel remorse and hurt over the way he has treated me. More than anything I want him to feel my pain and cry the tears that I do. But he doesn't. His life goes on as if I never existed. But why did he treat me this way. I went through hell. It's twken me months to finally realise that although I wasn't perfect the marriage breaking wasn't my fault. I see how he has tortured me now for almost a year with repetitive threats for divorce but never actually dping anythjng - this is what he was like during the marriahe and it drove me to the point of insanity but I tolerated it. How can someone be so cruel ? And be so diplomatic about it? Is he mentally unwell ?!
Why can't I hate him and move on. I do so well for weeks - I feel good about myself, I feel happy, I'm productive and then I collapse. This whole situation is costing me money, it's making Ill, im becoming static in my career which I have worked so hard to build, and it's hurting me - my parents sense my pain even if I don't show it and I can see them deteriorating too. I can't see them in pain, they did nothing to deserve this. Maybe Allah is pinishing me, but consequently my parents are going through pain in their old age. This is their time to enjoy their retirement, to relax, enjoy time with their grandchildren but their not. Their clearly sat their worried about me, they know I'm struggling internally even if I don't show anything. Yet my husbands family are productive, their happy, their careless, why?
It's so hard to deal with this pain. I feel a little stronger than before, but I'm so unhappy, I know this is my test and that I need to remain patient but it hurts that my own Husband is treating me this way and he feels no remorse for it. I feel like my patience is going to break soon, I just can't take anymore of this. I wish I could hate him and resent him but I can't, im weak, I don't have a hard heart but I really wish that I did for him and his family so that I could move on.
Whatever you guys think of me, please just do lots of dua for me, I'm really in need.
You feel pain, you go over your mistakes, you suffer emotionally, you think more, you ask Allah swt for guidance, you seek patience, you endure....all these are your perspective.
Him and his family are glorified in the community, gain respect publicly, he doesn't feel remorse or show that he is sorry, he can't feel your pain, he isn't looking to fix the situation or ask you to forgive him...as you see it.
Sometimes suffering and punishment isn't just feeling pain and being torn apart in side. Sometimes, the worst suffering and the worst punishment is being oblivious to the deeds we have done that have caused much hurt and living happily. Happiness and carelessness about one's actions that cause pain in others...can be a form of punishment too--who wouldn't want a chance to fix that in the dunya?
Asalaam Alaikum Sister Bucks,
You have to find your inner peace, you have to keep working hard to make yourself strong and Happy. What you have been silently suffering for more than an year in your marriage. It's going to take you a longer period of time to forget it. If you recall, previously I offered to help you. I want you to know my offer still stands. I am a bit hesitant about this as well, but I would really like to have a chance to try and help you. I think some good will come out of it. But the choice is yours to make, so let me know. I think I have perhaps, mentioned this to you too many times already. And I would just like to know your answer. Cause I don't want to keep troubling you and asking you each time. I am suggesting that we talk on voice for sometime, each day. So how does that sound to you? I really wanna help you out. And I firmly believe some good will come out. Even if it's a small amount. I would be happy that I was about to atleast do something. I am completely aware of how this might look and sound to you. And it has'nt been easy for me to ask you this either. but I genuinely just wanna help. In reply to your yesterday's post. You are looking for an apology and for acceptance from your In-Laws. That they somehow come forward admit the things they did wrong, and perhaps offer you an apology. And everyone should know this.That's not gonna happen. And you know that.
Somewhere inside, You are completely feeling alone. You don't want to trouble your parents by telling them. Yet they see a certain change in you and sense that you are sad. And you are blaming yourself for causing them grief. You are Over-Burdening Your Brain/Mind with all of these questions, and Over-Thinking so many things. Which is leading to your Anxiety and Panic Attacks. You have all these questions, and you can't explain the reason for them. And you continuously have them going in you mind, on endless rewind. That's not the way to go. Ask your yourself. few years from now. Do you want to be the person, who instead of concentrating on her life and happiness. Keeps wondering, who your ex is with and if he is more happier than you or not? Do you want to be like that ? And ask yourself questions like Why is he happier with another person, why was he not happy when he was with you?
Find your inner peace, and also learn to leave him in peace.
It's very fairly common, Most wives in their marriages go through so many things. But the one thing all of them want is answers. Why did their husband do this or that. Why did'nt he come and talk to her. And learn from this. That most men are this way. They are all born with a defect in their genetic coding somewhere it seems.
Please, force yourself to completely forget about him, after the papers are signed.
Don't watch anything that reminds you of him. Give to charity whatever you might have of him. And block out thoughts of his from your mind. Thinking about anything else, would be much better than wasting your time about him. Watch comedies. Do things to make yourself happy.
Take up jogging. And when you are jogging. Just think you are leaving everything bad behind, and keep jogging. you will start to feel you are doing something you are going somewhere. Keep doing this.
After jogging, when the endorphins kick in, you will start to feel slighting better. And if you think you can jog, then push yourself. and prove to yourself you can do it.
Have some dark chocolate, I think it helps better the mood (for some)
You have to let go, You have to disconnect. But you still have the papers pending. After that you are free. But he is not going to sign those papers in a hurry nor when you want him to. That guy has alot of issues. And he is probably enjoying the fact that just by doing nothing (not signing the papers) he is antagonizing you.
Find peace, and grab on to peace anyway you think you can. Stop letting it effect you so much that it boils up your blood. Anger is Haraam. Allah knows everything, He is fully aware of what you are going through alone in this moment in time. And what your ex and his family are doing to you, while pretending to be all that.
Allah is Just, Allah is Merciful. It is Allah's call and judgement. Your in-laws are going to get what they deserve. And you are also going to get Sawaab and Mercy from Almighty Allah for all your patience and endurance. His Grace is Amazing.
You are also reflecting. You want your husband to come to know, how much you have given into this relationship with him. You probably want him to see, what you have done for him and the relationship. You seek words of approval. You want him to understand, what pain and tears you cried. you want him to feel how much hurt you have been through. So he understands everything. You are now having expectations. expectations, that might not come true. And when they don't come true. you are gonna feel more bad about it. You should'nt be like this. that you are Questioning the Almighty every-night, and questioning why me why me.
you feel sad, talk to yourself. tell yourself. there is no point in crying. Pick yourself up. Prove to yourself. you can smile, even when you are feeling really bad. Push On Move On March On. And never stop.
Dear Sister, you have our complete support and sympathies with you. And all our duas are with you.
Listen, do you know the difference between a Chessmaster and a simple Mathematician?
When playing Chess, A Chessmater, would analyse all of his pieces, make strategies, and alternate strategy plans. For any possible situation. And then he will analyse all of his opponents pieces. thinking what he is thinking, and what strategy he is making. And how he plans to take him down. A chessmaster continously overthinking his mind, burdening it's mind. till the end of the game.
People spends hours on a chess game.
the chessmaster, will think If i sacrifice my one piece for certain higher piece of his opponent to win the game. and whenever he loses a piece, he grunts and he moans and so on. right. ?
A simple Mathematician knows. there are only two outcomes of the game. He will win he will lose. If he wins, he does'nt win a prize but wastes his time and so much energy for hours. And if he loses. He does'nt get the satisfaction of winning. but nothing really is lost either way.
So a mathematician would say to the chessplayer. You win. I lose. He would save his time and energy and go about and do something better.
I hope that makes some sense to you. I want you to you to be like the mathematician.
Regards,
K.
Salam brother,
Jzk for Ur advice im finding it very useful. I think this would be the most appropriate forum to give advice as I don't feel voice chatting one to one is appropriate although I'm certain your intentions are not wrong.
I'm trying to heed your advice, and ive been keeping sane mainly by blocking him out completely and helping others who need me. I have this awful sinking feeling in my heart that he will never change. He isn't behaving in a way A man would in order to save his marriage. I still don't understand why he wants to meet - to end things. Any hope I had has completely extinguished and that's the more painful than the break up. I can't cope with the marriage ending. Ive realised that I actually feel happy when I speak to him, esp now that the worst is over. The conversations are short yet amicable. But why does he not want to make the marriage work esp since I have honest to God not made any fundamental errors, even if he thinks I have Ive apologised numerous times. Why can't I see past this point ? I don't want my marriage to end I really don't. His family met a renowned scholar today, they were discussing how to manage the Muslim ummah ! It hurt me so much, how can so much power and respect be put into the hands of these people who haven't given me justice not treated me fairly. How can my husband get away with what he did. I need Allah to give me justice or some way out of this.
Wa'alaikum salam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,
Alright, I understand.
I read your other post below. Whenever your husband tries to contact you and tells you, he wants to meet you. How does that conversation go like? I am interested in knowing his exact words. And your reply to him.
Can you perhaps tell me more about him in general. As to his work, designation there. and other habits. Description of him.
Share whatever you feel you are comfortable with and that you think is necessary. And don't feel that there is any pressure what so ever.
I think you have already made up your mind, that you don't him to remain a part of your life. right?
Tell me this, now whenever he calls you, why do you answer his phone calls? I am pretty sure he can leave a voice message, and you can check up on that later.
Wasn't He the Guy? Who used to turn off his cell phone, Whenever you were in need to talk to him for a few minutes. When he was away for weeks and weeks, and you just wanted to talk to him for a few minutes. That's not asking for much. But was he around? Did he give you the time of the day?
Make a decision, then stick to it. And don't let yourself down.
The other person here has proved he can't be trusted, and he is not interested in your welfare. If anything that you can learn to count on, is that he is the main cause for your un-happiness.
He may appear relaxed and calm. But that may not be the real case.
Perhaps, this is an assumption from my side. I think he knows you too well. And because he does he is doing this to rile you up. And he gets some kind of a kick out of this I guess. If I recall correctly, you mentioned in an earlier conversation, He said, he met a model over the holidays. And then he just said he is just joking. Right? Did you ever stop to think, why he said, he had met someone?. and then said he was joking. his behavior is completely off-key. Then to what purpose, would he act or behave this way. How did you react when he said that he met someone?
For him, this is a game. There is not much for him to do in this situation. It's pretty much game over for him. He lost badly. But he is trying to get back in. And what do you think he is going to do If we assume you two get back together again. He is going to do the same things all over again. Especially when a person doesn't even have the slightest sense of remorse, or care for re-conciliation. How do you expect him to change his colors in a day?
I know you deeply cherish the thought of saving your marriage. (you are a good human being for wanting that, and you should not think of that as a weakness) Give him one chance. And if you have already given him, and he has not taken it seriously. Then you don't owe him another chance. No body gets away scot -free in life and then gets all the chances they want.
You mentioned his family is well respected, and they are well known individuals. And that also they are very religious. He might hold himself in high value, and has high regards for himself. You did mention, he has been unfaithful right. and you have prove of his infidelity right?
Put yourself in a position. you don't have kids with him right? or do you ?
I don't seem to be sure, If I recall correctly. please let me know.
Do you think he is a good father figure? Do you think, it would have good effect on the psychology of your child growing up next to a man like him. What if the child, looking up for a role model adapts his characteristics? Is that something you would want to happen?
I would suggest, you completely ignore him for a month. Work on yourself becoming more stronger and at peace. That you may able to rationalize things, and not let your emotions tell your otherwise. " I Think" if you completely ignore him for a month, he would get bored. and stop his tricks. he won't get what ever sort of kick he gets. And he may just go ahead and sign the papers.
Keep me posted on how things happen. Dont' be scared, and don't be confused thinking what he wants. If he is not straight forward enough to tell you. Don't waste any time or energy on him.
Now, returning to the OP.
It'a alright, I understand. I am happy to learn that I have been able to at least assist you to some extent. I wasn't really sure, If I was. We will stick with this forum.
Learn to trust your gut instinct, they are never wrong.
There are all sorts of insane-people out there in the world. That do horrible and terrible things every day. No body has all the answers for everything. But it is mentioned in the Holy Quran, that the shaitan says. I will cover the eyes and the hearts of the people, so they can not see or follow the right path.That shaitan will do his best to misguide people. Your husband is severely misguided. Many individuals who claim to be religious and good devout muslims, some of them still have their hearts closed towards Islam. They either pretend for namesake, or do it for all the wrong reason. Not everyone is who they claim to me, Not everyone is exact who they say are.
I don't need to tell you, there are so many people in prisons, you must have read about some in the newspapers who do the most horrible things, without any reason.
Don't depend on having answers to your questions in life to be able to obtain closure to have peace. Just accept life. I know it is very easy for me to say this, but extremely difficult for you to force yourself. I know what is like. I don't mean to sound completely insensitive.
You probably know this.
(I am not sure, if i mentioned this to you earlier or not. or if i am repeating myself. I am forgetting to remember things. )
Shaitan himself was an angel once right? When Allah SWT created Adam from Clay.
What did Shaitan do, why did Shaitan get banished from heaven, and why is Shaitan an outcast today. Think about it, do a little research about. Food for thought.
I am not sure, if I did mention this to you earlier. but I did'nt get the time around to share it with you or not.
I will leave you with another reply tomorrow. Inshallah.
Take care
Regards.
k.
Aoa brother,
Your response is very logical and makes a lot of sense.
A little about him, well he's a part of one of the family businesses. He had a good job prior to getting married then for whatever reason he gave that up and joined the family business. He has little or no savings from what I understand and I don't think the business is doing very well, although I could be completely wrong and this certainly wasn't the picture he painted prior to marrying me. He literally has nothing to his name and he is in his mid thirties. When I tried to suggest we buy our own home and form a foundation for ourselves, and even offered a good amount of my savings he still messed around. In fact my family offered to support him by helping him invest in a house and then paying for the furniture inside it. All I wanted was for him to be stable and for us to have a base for our future, a place for our children to grow up in. I even offered for us to live in my property which I had bought before the marriage. But both him and his family for whatever reason turned me into an outcast for wanting to invest in our own home.
When he calls the conversation is usually ok let's meet, he will usually just say it in passing. I don't sense any love or desperation to meet from him, just an eager suggestion. He tries to arrange to meet recurrently. But I get the feeling that if I said no he wouldn't be upset about it. My response is normally ok I'm not sure, let me think about it.
Or I would agree and then make up an excuse to avoid going. Just once to test him I responded by saying I could meet in an hour of him calling me, and he was willing to change his plans and arrange transport despite his car being in the garage and somehow meet me at such short notice - he had never been this way in the past.
The conversations are always amicable in comparison to the past when he would be very hostile and offensive. I usually don't answer his phone - so he will either call back or leave a voicemail saying he will call back. Sometimes to keep things amicable I do call him back but hang up before he is able to answer- but he always calls back. The way he speaks to me is actually very similar to the way we spoke as newly weds or just before marrying - it's very amicable but the content of the conversations has obviously changed.
About his character - in essence he can turn on his charm and really win a person over if he wanted to. He really does work magic. But from what I saw in the marriage he was a sneaky, devious person. He is irresponsible and lies so skilfully.
This was my previous post when i was in a really dark place but it gives details of what things were like:
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/struggling-with-an-unhappy-marriage-and-considering-divorce/
Up until recently i blamed myself for evrything that happened and I would call him up and cry to him begging him to make the marriage work. In return he would hang up on me, or keep his phone off, make hurtful comments etc and if I broke off contact he would reestablish it and remain amicable until I started becoming needy and desperate again.
Right now, I have minimised my conversations with him, max I speak to him would be a minute. But he tends to ask me lots of questions and tells me about what's happening in his life and with his friends etc too. Yet he doesn't talk about reconciling, just meeting to end things amicably.
Pls pray for me that Allah helps me make some kind of decision that I stick to.
Ps I don't have any children with him luckily.
Wa'alaikum salam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,
I was going over both of your posts. It was a bit interesting to me, to find that you have received so many replies from so many people. And then I was going through my own post.
Over the weekend, I stumbled across a few old emails and conversations I had with my EX. I went through all the conversations and emails. There were some good moments and towards the end there were alot of bad moments. She was the one, who asked me to be her bf. I told her we are both muslims. And there is no bf/gf , only nikha. So she was the one who proposed to me. She was the one who wanted to get married to me, and initiated the conversations between our families. She was the one who swore she would never leave me. I was honest, I mentioned all my flaws and shortcomings that I had. Thinking she should know everything. It did'nt matter to her. She also had some short comings, and I overlooked them all. I gave her my everything. I never treated her in a bad way. I put my everything and more into my relationship with her. I did the best i could never to have an argument with her. I remained quiet to best avoid arguments with her.
Today, I learned she is going to a concert, She has been having fun with her sister and friends going places and having fun. And here I am still not completely over her. I tried so hard to re-council with her. I have'nt already done, what a man could possibly think to save his relationship. I read books, I researched, I tried my best to be a better person so she would not argue with me. I wanted so badly to go and meet her, just once. If only to see her for the first and the last time. I had to argue with my family about going to see her. And then finally had to give up on the idea. She knew I have a weak heart since I was a teenager. The only thing that i asked her, in return when I agreed to marry her. Which she asked me to marry her. Was. That she should never ever leave me. we will have our ups and downs. But parting ways is not an option for me. we will do whatever is necessarily and make this relationship work and save it, and never give up on each other.
Reading all those conversations, it seems, she was looking for excuses to fight, and argue. She took great care into trying to push me to extreme limits, so I would be angry and do something stupid. While she pushed me beyond my limits. I sat there quietly, because she would not reason with me. and it would only make things worse. A number of times, I even cried while she was doing that to me. Cause i did'nt know how to make things alright and better between us. And she mocked me and humiliated me. I always approached her in a positive manner. Asking her to study about Marriage in light of Islam. she studied with me the first day. only to stop in the middle. and she never wanted to study about Marriage in light of Islam again with me. All that time, when I was pain and hurt and turmoil. I always tried to put on a brave face and be nice to her, and to be there for her whenever she needed me. To not to let her down. I had been waiting for this all my life. This relationship meant everything to me. I never let my pain, or my ego get into the way whenever I talked to her. or Whenever she fought with me. I was so devastated yet all I did while I was working during the day was to find something nice to say to her, to make her happy, when I came home and we would talk. She used to find ways to punish and hurt me. And she knew me well. so she hurt me where it hurt the most. And finally towards the end, she said, she does'nt want me. and I should never try to contact her again, or there would be serious repercussions. And ended everything after exactly 2 years. Looking back and reading those conversations and emails we shared. I always said, I am sorry, when it was not even my fault. I used to tell her to please let it go. I always reminded her of how deeply I cared for her. and how I adored her. I did the best I could I did even more than that. And here I am sitting with a big black hole in my heart, that is sucking up everything inside of me. And that other person is going to concerts with friends like nothing happened, and she does'nt have a care in the world. And here I pray every night to Allah to watch over her, and I pray for her happiness and well being. And ask Allah, not to take note of what I am going through because of her. So as not to punish her for what she has caused me to suffer. Not even her dad, or her sister or her best friend cared enough to ask her to try to reconcile with me.
I waited my whole life for this.
I have made so many attempts to communicate with her. I have shared so ways where we can save our relationship and marriage. And I have not even heard a single word from her side. I guess asking a person for a few minutes is asking too much.
as-salaamu 'alaikum brother Khwab,
SubhanAllah, I feel ashamed to say this and I ignored it earlier, so forgive me for speaking in the open (there's no private message facility)...
You have just finished from a haraam relationship over the Internet, and subhanAllah, you're already being tempted by shaytaan from delving into yet another relationship (privately over phone/email) with a very vulnerable woman (even though it's innocently under the pretence of helping her)? Keep in mind also, that she is the wife of your brother in Islam.
Don't you think it would be more appropriate and purer and cleaner for the hearts for another sister to help her (direct private contact), rather than a man helping a woman?
Also, do you think it's appropriate as Muslims for us to engage in a private chat with the wife of our Muslim brother??
MashAllah, I can tell you have been blessed with a soft heart, and you appear to have a love of Allah, and you pray and read the Qur'aan, so you should know the meaning of this ayah...
And what are the footsteps of shaytaan?
He doesn't command immoral actions straight away, rather, it always starts with something innocent, such as two (male+female) students discussing a subject at Uni, and then meeting in a group for coffee to discuss, and then perhaps spending time alone in the library to study, and then meeting for coffee alone to discuss the subject, and then phoning each other, etc... and you can see how quickly and easily such a relationship can develop?
Remember, satan has all the time in the world, and he knows us better than we know ourselves, so whether the relationship takes 1 week to develop, or 1 year, it's all the same to him.
Anyway, subhanAllah, may Allah forgive me for being so direct, and I hope you can forgive me for any harshness, but I felt it needed to be mentioned... and I hope Allah as-sami' ud-dua'a helps us both.
And may Allah subhanahu wa-ta'ala purify our intentions and purify our hearts, and guide us on the straight path with true love and fear of Allah, ameen!
fi-amanAllah,
was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.
Br khwab,
Be thankful that she made a decision and stuck to it rather than flip flopping and hurting your feelings even more. I know it hurts, I understand Ur pain as im going through something similar but you are fortunate that she has shown her true colours before you made the commitment of marriage. Imagine if you had married her, lived with her and possibly had children together and then she left you so heartlessly. The pain at that moment would have been ten million times more intense, not forgetting you would have had to go through the pain of a divorce as well. Whatever's happened has happened for the best. Things ended at the right time and she has remained firm in her decision which is very important in helping you move forward.
And your right I have recieved tonnes of responses. I guess in my heart I never wanted to leave my husband nor do I want my marriage to end. But even after seeing him and talking to him for hours I've tried to make him see sense but he is adamant he wants a divorce. The meeting was amicable and I have honestly not made any major mistakes yet he chooses to continue with the divorce. I will never come to terms with a faultless divorce but it's life, I'm not sure how but I need to deal with it. Although he wants the divorce he still asked if I got home ok and that he will call. Something he didn't even do during the marriage. It's all so confusing, he gets on well with me, we can have a conversation, he cares yet he wants a divorce. Trust me this kind of behaviour is torture and the only reason I had put up with it was to keep the door for reconciliation open but it didn't work. In the case of Ur ex, I respect her for making a decision and then staying firm on it. I know it's still painful for U but with no contact U can be sure to move on a little quicker inshaAllah, with hopes for a better future.
Asalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
Sister Bucks,
Looking back, I just wish that she and I could have atleast talked about it. Marriage is teamwork. You have to work together. It's not just about the happiness and wishes of one person over the other. Both parties are mutually invested. Both parties should be entitled to contribute to any decisions taking place that has any effect on their future together. Both individuals have mutual rights and should have an equal say. It's like this, she got what she wanted and when she wanted it. It was pretty much like that all the time. If I had gotten a chance I would have really made it work. And to be honest things were really good towards the end, before she broke it off. I didn't give her any excuse or reason to be unhappy. And she did admit it herself. that I am a good friend to her and that things are really good between us. That's why i don't really understand her reasons , but I respect her decision. And am still in the process of accepting it all.
The thing is, I still wear my engagement ring. And the funny thing is, that she has'nt taken off her ring off of her finger either.(from the little that i know) And most of my family is saying, that after a certain time, she will return back. Cause she has done it before in the past. But it was'nt anything like this before.
She had actually broken up with me once before, over something very childish that we both can't seem to recall, but it was her temper that made her leave and the doubts she had about our relationship. It was right before she was leaving on a vacation trip with her sister and her best friend. What brought her back was, her aunt that she was visiting who had a friend/neighbor who was sort of a religious fortune teller. She told her, that she had already met her future husband. and that she is angry with him for no reason at all. And that he is a good and religious guy. and that we are meant to be. At the time she had not mentioned me to anyone in her family. And she was very much awe'd and surprised how the fortune teller came to know of this and that's how she came back to me. And it was a while before she mustered the courage to come back to me. So i always believed that we both were meant to be together.
And that is one the things that i am really worried about She is not the kind of a person that can let go of things, and try to make a new beginning together. And at the same time, I know she can not change her ways, and she has somewhat of a temper. She has something like a passive aggressive behavior. she was in a bad relationship before. But that was her past. And now that she was in a relationship with me, she was taking out all of her previous anger out of me. I am not sure if she will come back, but perhaps it's just my wishful thinking that I would really like it, if she ever came back. and I am trying to prepare myself, how to deal with it. I am a little bit concerned about that. I know what she has done now, she is more than likely to do it again. So what would your advice be on that.
If she ever came back to me, and wanted to get back together again what should I do? I know there is not even a slim chance of that happening. and that's it's all my wishful thinking. but i would like to hear what you have to say about it. Thanks.
I have a bad feeling she is also going to do a complete 180 on me. cause right now she is angry and mainly listening to her mind, that is causing her doubts and replaying the instances she had in her past relationship. Once she calms down, and can perhaps see things in a different light. I have an intuition she will come back. Atleast she will come back to apologize.
I think her father, and her best friend played a very big part in breaking us apart. She mentioned it quite a few many times to me. I did'nt anything, cause i did'nt want to speak against her father or her bestfriend.
Not only does it hurt, but you look back and wonder what was I really thinking all that time this was going on. It's really difficult, when you put everything you have in a person and trust that person deeply and that person leaves you alone. it's very hard to pick yourself up again. I have seen so many people happily married for soo many years. I have seen and heard of married couples. where one of them was going through some kind of an addiction, or problem or having health issues having Alzheimers or cancer, and the other person sticks with them through thick and thin. We can't seem to find alot of that these days.
At first, I wanted to go and meet her, if only to see her. But then I talked myself out of it. now I am thinking i should like never get married in my life. In a way to stay true to her. But my family is interested in me getting married and are looking around for proposals. One of the questions I ask myself is that can I be good to the person that I get married to. (after her). That's a big question in my mind.
One of the issues i faced right after the break off was, that I listened and believed her words to the letter. That is was completely my fault. That I was the sole cause for everything that went bad between us. Yet I remember asking her countless times to help me, to encourage me and support me. And to explain things to me, like I am a kid so I can be good. And she never did anything to help me, or our relationship. Reading on all of my previous conversations with her, I could see I really tried to convince her and tried to do good things.Even invited her to study marriage in light of Islam together. but she only did one half lesson with me. and never came back to another lesson with me. I offered her many times to help me. But she never accepted them, kept reminding me that I kept failing. and that she would never help or encourage me or support in making this relationship work. I used to tell her, my exact words, I am trying to make it work, I am trying my best, but yet I am failing miserably . But I am still trying for you, I am not giving up on you. Does'nt that mean anything to you?. I used to ask her from deep within to help me, encourage me and support me, like i did the for her. And she only kept saying she did'nt need my help. she did'nt need my support. and that she would never help me. and that this is all my fault. She only blamed me. Cause she did'nt want to have any guilt on her hands.
That's where I got the Idea, that she deliberately wanted to sabotage our relationship, and wanted to place the entire blame on me, and played the blame game. so she can walk away scott free. This was a suggestion that I earlier mentioned to you, that this may perhaps also be the cause in your situation. But you told me that was not.
It's also a bit strange to see, that people who are in a relationship together, dont' seem to get along at all. But after the relationship is over, they sort of start to get along, and have and maintain a friendly and respectful relationship. Separated parents often do, in case when they share joint custody of their children. And in some other cases as well, where former couples don't have children, they sort of tend to start getting along.
I think, you should start writing a journal for yourself. write everything that you feel, or how the day went in that journal. Also jot down, whatever contact or conversations you had with your ex. After a few weeks, when you read it again. Perhaps you can understand things a little better. And it might help you find closure. Also it might serve as a timeline for you to look back and reflect on from time to time.
I can also relate to how you feel about your husband. I think, I am just putting my two cents on the table. it's just a mere suggestion I would like to share with you. I think you should write sort of a letter to your husband. I know there are many things on your mind and in your heart that you really feel you need to say to him. And you deeply want to share them with him. So why don't you write them all down carefully on a few papers. And when the documents are signed and everything is complete. You can give it to him if you like. or don't give it to him if you want. I think it will help you feel less remorse, that you never got a chance to share what you really wanted him to hear. So just channel everything out, on a piece of paper. Let your emotions flow through yourself and come out in the form of words that you can share with him. You won't have that prison like feeling anymore, and once you write it all down. Your soul might feel lighter of the invisible burden you feel is hanging on your shoulders. and if he ever decides to read it. He will come to know of those thoughts and feelings. that you wanted to share with him. ( this might also prove helpful for him, as well as for you) This is an extremely long shot, perhaps, he will write you one back. It was just a thought I wanted to share with you.
There are some other things, I wanted to share with you. But I will do that tomorrow. I hope I am still proving to be of some assistance to you?
And in the end, In light of the recent events that took place here. Do you think that I am a big bad wolf ? Or that I have any ill intentions towards you? I just wanted to ask you that, and know your answer. Since I have been accused of things by a psychic clairvoyant.
And I just honestly wanted to apologize to you, If i have been a cause for any inconvenience to you. it was never my deliberate intention. I just thought i should say that.
take care
Regards,
K.
Wa'alaikum salam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,
Once there was an incident mentioned:
That there was a man returning home, having stayed out and up all night gambling and drinking with his friends. Staggering and stumbling due to his intoxication, he was trying hard to find his way home.
And then there was another man, who was running late for the Fajr prayers at the Masjid. He was in a bit of a rush, and still not quite fully awake, he was fumbling fixing his hair and his clothes as he made way for the Masjid.
Upon the street, these both men caught each others eyes for a moment. And then they both carried on, each their own way.
Now the intoxicated man, knew that the other man was a good person, and from a good family. But he was surprised, and thought that this guy also must have stayed out and up all night drinking and gambling. Because that man was too staggering and stumbling like him. So he thought, he smiled and walked on.
The Man who was late rushing towards the Masjid, saw the other man and he knew he was not a good man nor was he from a good family. But he was also quite surprised, to see him. So he thought that the other man had awoken up earlier, before him and had completed the prayers at the Masjid and was now returning home. He also smiled and walked on .
The above incident is a well known metaphorical story mostly taught to young Muslims.
That the beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.
There is another incident reported in the times of Usama Ibn Zayd:
When Usama Ibn Zayd was about to kill a man. And the man had confessed that there is no deity worthy of being worshiped but Allah. Usama Ibn Zayd killed the man and claimed that the man had said so out of fear for his weapon.
To which our beloved Prophet Muhammad (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) replied:
"Did you tear his heart in order to find out whether it had professed or not " (Muslim)
There was another time when our beloved Prophet Muhammad (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said:
"I have not been ordered (By Allah) to search the hearts of the people or cut open their bellies" (Bukhari - Muslim)
Also our beloved Prophet Muhammad (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said:
"All of the children of Adam make mistakes! who are we to take them to account? who are you to judge?"
Another: "Allah is the judge, so know your role"
Also in Surah An Nisa Verse 94
"O you who have believed, when you go forth [to fight] in the cause of Allah , investigate; and do not say to one who gives you [a greeting of] peace "You are not a believer," aspiring for the goods of worldly life; for with Allah are many acquisitions. You [yourselves] were like that before; then Allah conferred His favor upon you, so investigate. Indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted."
The emphasis is given on To find the truth/ Investigate.
We should not act without confirming and investigating. Allah commands us to do “bayyan” (to verify, clarify, investigate) in this ayah–we must find out both sides of the story, and confirm it before we act. Think through the times where we held a negative opinion about someone based on a little of what we saw of them. Did we go further and confirm with them or were we quick in judging them?
And then in Surah 068 Al-Qalam or Nun (the Pen) Verse 7
Indeed, your Lord is most knowing of who has gone astray from His way, and He is most knowing of the [rightly] guided.
So basically our duties as Muslims is not to judge other people.
Our duty is:
To show one the path of Allah.
To help them walk on that path.
To guide them until they reach their destination.
There was another actual incident that took place in a village/town:
Where there was once this man who prayed 5 times a day in the Masjid. Read the Holy Quran aloud in his home day and night. Everybody in the town respected him and held him in high honor.
In the same town, there was this lady. Who was hated by the entire town. Who was made fun of, and often had stones thrown her way when seen approaching from a distance.
That lady once saw a dog near a well on a hot day and saw his tongue hanging from thirst. She drew some water in her shoe, for the dog to drink.
Just for that one act of kindness Allah (Swt) forgave all of her sins, and she went to heaven. (It's also mention in Sahih Muslim #2245)
So Dear Ibn Muhammad,
You are welcome to feel ashamed of me. I am however not ashamed of myself.
Thank you for declaring my relationship and engagement with my Fiance a Haraam relationship. Surprisingly you know more about me and my life, than I do myself.
And for your kindness in judging me that i am being tempted by shaitan from delving into yet another relationship under the false innocent pretense of helping someone. Thank you for holding my emaan and my relationship with my Creator in such low esteem. I have heard your accusations, you put forth on me. Care to reveal your evidence to back it up? Or do you care to explain how you came to such a conclusion yourself?
Thank you so much for your kind words and the beautiful way in which you have shown me respect.
If you can come forward and reveal to everyone here, the truth and evidence that you posses on which you formed such a low opinion of me. I would be very happy.
However if you can't present any evidence to back up your allegations on me. I have nothing more to say to you. You are most welcome to your own opinions.
as-salaamu 'alaikum brother Khwab,
I wasn't going to reply, as this post is really about sister bucks and the test from Allah aza wajal that she's facing.
Nonetheless, as a quick reply...
Most of your post can be summed up by the first hadith in an-Nawawi's 40 hadith collection, and collected by both al-Bukhari and Muslim: -
However in this case, the intention is irrelevant, because the deed itself is haraam, and leads to further haraam (i.e. khutwaat as-shaytaan).
In summary: dear brother, would you be happy for me or another Muslim brother to contact your wife over the phone/email and discuss her personal matters without your permission?
Likewise, do you think it's appropriate for us to contact the wife of our Muslim brother in private (phone/email), to discuss her private matters in life?
If you have no problem with that, then subhanAllah fear Allah! ...
This may shock some, but alhamdulillah, ghira (self-respect / protective jealousy) is part of imaan: -
With regards to the hadith you posted from sahih Muslim (2245), that's not quite accurate. Alhamdulillah, I've studied quite a lot of the sahihain collection as well as other ahadith collections such as riyadh us-saaliheen, etc, and the version narrated doesn't mention anything about a man from the town who worships Allah, neither is there a mention that the lady is hated by the entire town. Rather, that woman is a prostitute, and because of that one act, Allah forgave her sins. And neither does it mention that she entered heaven.
Take care,
and may Allah subhanahu wa-ta'ala, al-hadi ur-rahmaan guide us to that which is pleasing to Him, and increase us in imaan and love of the aakhira, ameen!
was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.
I think that Whatevers happened with your ex, as hard as it is, you shoild try to forget her and move on. I know that deep down that's not what you want but if someone is treating you disrespectfully even before the marriage things will only get worse afterwards. Yiur in a good position now to move on and work towards finding someone more compatible with whom you can have a more fulfilling and balanced relationship, where it's not just you who is chasing and compromising. Obviously if you were married, it would be a different story - it's harder to break a marriage, and I would have given you different advice in that case. So honestly speaking, I think in order to move forward remove Ur engagent ring, get rid of the things that remind you of her and work towards feeling happy within yourself.
Also, I don't think the other brother was trying to offend you although I can understand how it came across that way. It's just that strictly speaking, from the islamic perspective there is no such thing as a relationship between and man and a woman prior to marriage. Your allowed to get to know one another but usually with a chaperone. I know you have feelings for your ex because you thought of her as a future wife, but she's not your wife therefore you don't have any rights over her and vice versa. So, whatever she is doing, let her be. Focus only on yourself, and move towarss finding a more suitable spouse.
With regards to my situation, my husband - despite me meeting him and him confirming he wants the marriage to end, he is still playing games and hasn't signed the papers nor does he want to reconcile - he has so little respect for me. So enougn is enough time to cut him loose and let him enjoy his life without me while I build mine and inshaAllah find a more suitable husband, who at the least will respect me and have a more mature mindset.
Also with regards to writing him a letter - I don't see the point. I have poured my heart out to him, ive cried, listened to him with patience - ive done so much, but he remains emotionless. All the letter will do is boost his already inflated ego. He needs a knock, which he won't get from me because Im not tough enough. But he needs to be knocked down by someone, he needs to be treated in the same way he treated me, perhaps then he will suddenly wake up from this nonsense and see things in a different light and feel some remorse and regret for his behaviour. At least now Im not punishing myself and making eveyrhing my fault which is what he made me believe - he still continues to blame me, but it goes in through one ear and out the other.
Also lastly you haven't said anything to cause offence or inconvenience to me, so no need to apologise.
Guys I really am truly confused. My solicitor sent a letter to my husband to find out if he was signing the papers etc. My husband received the letter today and is now saying we are divorced although he hasn't signed anything. He's so relaxed and calm about it. But still wants to meet. I'm so so so confused. Ive tried everything possible to make him take things seriously, what should I do - should I meet him, maybe there's a slight chance of reconciliation? I'm so scared.
Assalaamualaikum Sister,
Sister, please get yourself out of this thought that there is slight chance, I know, it is very difficult but after receiving letter, when he said 'we are divorced', then how can you think that there can be slight chance of reconciliation.
Honestly if he really wanted to give a try, he would not have ignored so much efforts you have put in to make this marriage work.
I can understand you, trust me, I have been through each and every feeling which you have shared here on this forum, questions - how can they do this, feeling that they realize their mistake and apologize or atleast acknowledge it, or how good things are happening to them or how can they move around among people after doing all this... everything you felt , I felt and from that experience I am telling you, if he really had to reconcile, he would not have pushed you to this extent.
You know, my ex-husband never wanted to meet me when I asked, even for the baby, even when the baby was in hospital, never ever, always flip flopped last moment, on the day of eid of our first baby, but once he said he wants to meet and I agreed, since we both used to work in same company, it was all safe to meet in a conference room, before this day, he didn't even used to enter the building where I worked, used to avoid office during my work hours or opt for wfh but when he wanted to meet, he had only things to ask for consideration for his father, for his family, nothing for my baby forget about me.
I am so sorry sister to tell you all this but this is the reality of life, please pick yourself up and move on.
take care.. We are with you.
But he has prolonged the divorce process for almost a year. I keep thinking that if he really wanted it he would've signed eveyrhing and finished it ages ago. He has said all sorts of rubbish in the past only to then return and talk about counselling, even now he's prolonging it. And wants to meet not to discuss anything but to talk over coffee, like you would with a friend. He even sends me the odd text and images of any specific celebrities that he may have met or things that may be of interest to me. This is torture. I want more than anything to make this marriage work, what is wrong with him and his family.
Dear sister I can understand how his prolonging gives you the hope. Just for you to understand
My ex husband was my office colleague, met with him in dec 2009. Got engaged in dec 2010. Got married on 19 feb 2012 and by deceiving that sending me for rest post confirmation of my baby on 7 april, then because of elders in between stayed with him for 15 days in july 2012 and was mentally harassed n left at home alone in pregnancy without any groceries for 4 days n torture on call, I was about to finish myself but I had a little heart inside me I came to my parents place. From then on , he never tried but I did to the extent that accepted for divorce but begged to convince him to be part of baby's life but he didn't. I waited thinking after pregnancy he will divorce me but he prolonged just going forth n back never bought a single dress for our son then divorced me in march 2014..... prolonged... right.
Sister don't waste your energy on him. Meet like friend? Not possible just get out of this through court as it will only give peace. This situation of hanging will definitely give you panic attacks.
Aos sister Jzk for the insight. I'm sorry to hear what happened with you, I pray Allah swt opens up a new door for both you and your son, and fills your lives with happiness and success Ameen.
Wirh re to my situation my husband has recieved a second letter from the solicitor, he acknowledges it and is talking about divorce yet he still wants to meet. He said he just wants to meet and talk over coffee!!! Ive postponed things for weeks but this hasn't put him off. I know the talk will be about us, he won't say anything about his family at all.
He's just confusing.
Assalaamualaikum Sister,
Thank you for your kind words. As a mother it tore me apart when my son cried a lot calling abu abu as his uncle was going his home with his kids and he wanted to go with them. He is just 2 yr old. I feel so helpless and depressed. Remember us in prayers.
Sister Bucks, as I mentioned previously, you should meet your husband, but only in the presence of a wali or your brother - in fact, if my sister was in this situation, it would be completely wrong for her to chase around her husband and meet where ever he wishes.
Rather he's the man, and should behave like a man by coming to your home and speaking in front of your father.
If he's too ashamed to do that, then at the least, he should meet where you wish (perhaps in the solicitors office?), not where he wants. And you should take your mother/father/brother/sister along with you so that he doesn't abuse his emotional power over you.
Also, if it's a torture for you to read/see his family involved in dawah work, then switch away from that content - stop going to that website, or stop watching that channel, etc?
i.e. I'm sure you're not being forced into reading/seeing them? 🙂
Aoa brother,
I agree with what u have said. My family think the same that he should come
And speak to me in my home but he's too coward to do that but met where I wanted to meet him. It was a safe environment, and althouhh my family didn't agree with it they supported my decision to meet him. He had nothing new to say really. And no real reason for the divorce. I wasn't emotional like I used to be, but I tried really hard to make him see sense. He still continued to highlight my flaws and belittle his cheating, and failed to self reflect. Only differnce was it didn't wind me up this time, I let it go. I made my points, continued trying to make him see some sense. He is still adamant on the divorce but as I wrote above he still wanted to see that I got home ok whixh was a first he has never asked me this, and this reduced to me to tears for some reason. He also said he would call me. But again nothing about reconciling. There's just literally nothing else I can do or say anymore, I still don't understand the pirpose for meeting, but whatever he thinks is best I guess I'll learn to live with the decision made by him, what other choice do I have - ive tried so hard.
Hi.
It is simple. He is only trying to cause you hurt by prolonging. Oldest trick in the book.
He cannot fathom that you have actually had the guts to send divorce papers and his ego cant take it. Which explains the non serious attitude (it is a facade btw).
You should do the same, be nonchalant about this and go on about your life. You and your family have sufferred enough.
Allah knows best.
AAZA
Asalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,
Sister Bucks,
I appreciate the advice that you have shared with me. What advice would you have given me, If the situation was that I was married to her?
I agree completely with what you have said. In life, I don't think a person ever thinks that such kind of a thing will happen to him/her. Hence he/she is never prepared in any way to deal with this kind of a situation. For me it was my first time being in any relationship. One of the difficult things to do, is Not to listen to the questions that keep coming to mind. I believe that is the brain's way of protecting itself from the real truth and the pain that the truth will Inflict upon it, by raising questions or creating different scenarios the mind/brain tries to find some relief or sanctuary for itself, instead of focusing what has actually occurred. Hence a person goes into an imaginary/delusion state. And acts out in the manner in contrast to what is going on in his imaginary state of mind(which he believes will help him get his happiness back), but which actually goes to further harm the situation at hand and even leaves deeper scars on itself. Perhaps you would agree?
While I would like to continue my life unhindered by this incident. I believe it would be some time before I am fully able to actually do that. Neither am I in a rush to initiate another relationship in a hurry nor do I want to any time soon. I still have a loss of appetite and sleep and don't care to socialize that much. It's just work and home. I feel, like i am in a shell, and there are all these bricks falling upon me. Only when I feel the that the last brick has fallen than I think I will come out of my shell. How would you describe your own personal experience of coping with your situation? If you feel comfortable sharing that is.
I don't think I want to be a person that hates her or blames her. I know that she too is only human like me. And that it must have also perhaps hurt her as deeply as it has hurt me. And I am aware, that I too must have made mistakes, of which I might be unaware. Which has lead the relationship to this point where it stands now stands. I only want to forget the bad parts, cherish the good days. And i would like to be that man, that can still wish her good and happiness in life. And since I am not the man for her, that she may live her dream, and find the right man and live a happy, loving and cheerishedl life. I think that is all I have to say on that.
Now coming back to you,
In one of your earlier posts, where I asked you a few questions.
It's very common, that in the beginning men often brag, and exaggerate about themselves and their financial status to owning land, property and finances. As to Woo a person.
When you offered to help him, or your family offered to give him a financial aid. His ego probably did'nt allow him to accept. For a man, (in some cases) it is embarrassing enough to know he can't be a good provider of the house. And having help being offered to them especially from his in-laws, they probably view him as a failure. And an insult to his own family (Perhaps) And that He/they would not only have to accept it but also show gratitude from there on. I have a question, was there ever an issue of dowry raised, by your husband or your mother-in-law. In my past experiences, I have noticed that is the reason why some Mother In-laws object to or have an unfriendliness towards a the new bride. Just wondering.
I did ask you before, what is your own personal opinion about him. When he talks to you like, he met a model over the vacation, and then flatly he would say just joking?
I think, at one point you made it all about him. That you actually were more interested in making him happy and pleasing him. And not paying much attention to your own happiness and peace. Would you agree with that? Was this in the past, or is this still in the present?
The reason, why earlier I asked you to describe him. And when you did describe him, you confirmed it for me. Individuals, with charms or having charming personalities, make it very hard for the other person to say No to them. And such individuals are most aware of what effect their charm can have on others. And they use it, to their own advantage, and don't' care much for others. They like I said earlier, hold themselves in high esteem. Thinking ordinary rules should not apply to them. And they are very used to always getting what they want in life. And think they can get away with pretty much anything. You probably must be getting now more aware of this, that perhaps he seems to know you too well, or knows how you would react, or how to get a yes out of you. or what really would annoy and irritate you. Do you feel, he has such behaviour? And has good understanding to how you are likely to react?
Previously, I suggested a few ideas to you. like exercise, and spending more time in praying, making your bond with your Creator stronger? have you been doing any of that.
Take care, stay strong. I shall pray for you Sister.
Regards,
K.
I think if you guys were married I would suggest trying to establish the root cause of the problem, and then try to find solutions for it. Eg by counselling, possibly sitting with a trusted member from both families and discussing things. I think a marriage is hard to break, and it's something that needs effort, divorce should be the last resort. However if prior to marriage a person has poor etiquette, and is showing other red flags it is best to finish it quickly rather than drag things on and end up in a marriage that will be full of problems, which will either cause a lot of stress and heartache or lead to divorce which Is unbelievably painful.
About my husband, he definitely didn't have an ego issue when it came to asking for money. He asked me to withdraw cash on our honeymoon, he was upset and belittled me because I didn't pay for dinner when he took me out as his wife, he came to my parents home after the Nikkah and asked my parents to give him 50% of any money that guests gave to them as gifts despite the fact that this money didn't belong to him and he had taken all the money that was gifted to him by his guests and hadn't given me a single penny - not that I expected it or even cared about it! He would be upset that I didn't pay for the groceries when we went shopping together. His mum wanted me to take care of my expenses which I was doing anyway, and had a lot more expenses than him. She demanded dowry, and would aggressively ask me to give my wedding jewellery to her. I ended up paying for a lot of things in the house, he certainly didn't feel embarrassed when he stood next to me whilst I paid for things.
It definetly wasn't an ego thing, he is just unbelievably arrogant and has no insight into what he has done wrong, he will constantly find ways to make me feel worse.
Also with regards to the comments he makes about him seeing other women, he thinks it's funny because he knows he will get a reaction out of me, he knows it will hurt me.
I dont understand why he is behaving this way. He is now tellig me that he has signed the papers, and is looking for a better job so he can be financially stable and looking to buy a house. He doesn't want to live with his mother anymore. He's doing all the things that caused the problems - he wouldn't buy a place for us to live, he refused to look for a job so we could build a future of ourselves and children we may have had. He wanted to divorce me if I said I coildnt live with his harsh and abusive mother. Why is he doing this? Why now? He could've saved the marriage if he took me away from his horrible family and given me my space and privacy which I was offering to pay for! Why then did he force me to live with his horrible mother, and torture me. Perhaps this was a clever trick to abuse me until I gave up and divorced him. Now he's so upbeat and happy about trying to get a new job and Hoise for himself. Now it doesn't matter who or where his mother lives as long as he has his own space. Why did he torture - why did he marry me if he was going to make my life hell.
Have your solicitor received the signed papers from his end?
Dear Sister, He is deliberately saying this to you on purpose, to get a reaction out of you, and furthermore to hurt you. He is perfectly aware of all the things that you ever wanted or asked him for, to save the marriage. He seems to have deep psychological issues. He is still going to continue this way.
Please, try not to let his words effect you or hurt you. He does'nt want you to be strong, and self independent or be able to find happiness for yourself.
You know what to expect from him. Tomorrow he will call you again, claiming he has found someone, and he wants to marry her, and they both have all the happiness in the world. He might even say, they want to have kids together. He has a "Passive Aggressive Behavior" towards you. He might very well be suffering from some mental disorder of sorts.
You don't need to worry yourself by asking yourself questions why is he behaving this way.
Try to let it all go, and put this all behind you. And never look back, or wonder about him.
Always look towards your bright future, and towards your happiness that tomorrow promises.
Leave him alone. You are living in the whirlpool of self-inflicted worries, anger and resentment. He can do whatever he wants AND you don't need to understand it, you don't need to reason it. The more you get yourself trap in any of his responses, the more you will stuck and CANNOT move on. Cut him off of your picture, you endure enough, ENOUGH of his and his family's unfairness, cruelty, shameless, unislmaic, selfish treatment. Trust Allah, He is guiding you in a better life. Your ex is a BAD person, period. You don't deserve this, you need to move on! Are you ready??
He can't torture you or make your life hell IF you decide to disallow him to influence you and make your life a heaven without him. You can do it as soon as you decide to do that. It is easier said than done, but it begins with your decision. Inn shaa Allah.
Dear Sister Bucks
I can understand what you are going through. The same happened with me as well. He said he cannot give me a separate home even if I am willing to pay. He will never leave them but I was asking was to provide me a place near to them just to avoid that abuse. But as soon as he and his family got succeeded in throwing me out of his life, he went to gulf so that he can provide more for his family. He could have taken this step earlier and saved the marriage atleast for my son,but he didn't.
We truly cannot understand why they did what they did to us. I know it's human nature to get these thoughts. Just listen to lot of islamic lectures And read, listen Quran. Take care
I'm probably going to write on here for the last and final time. It's just that the feelings are too much for me to keep bottled in any longer, I've gone back to the dark place I worked so hard to leave.
I stupidly was in touch with my husband. Initially it was to determine what he was doing with regards to the divorce. Slowly we started talking more often and actual it seemed that after a very long time we were rebuilding bonds and the communication was much better. I was respecting him and he seemed to be making the effort to speak to me etc. We met a few times after the initial meeting, initiated by him and actually had a nice time together. It really did seem like things were on the right track. In the last meeting after spending an entire day together and him buying me dinner, he suggested that we go for counselling to see if we could make the marriage work. He said he had issues in his mind that he needed to overcome and counselling was the best move. He didn't want to get his family involved which I found bizarre but he said that once we decide to move things forward we will move into a seperate home and the family would not be involved. Anyway I went for counselling, and it was horrible. He was manipulating the situation as usual, and I couldn't help but become frustrated. I spoke the truth about his lies etc. The counseller questioned my husbands motives for being in the session since he didn't say exactly why he was there, he couldn't even say it was to help the marriage. I was upset by this and I went back to what I was like a year ago when everything first happened. I like an idiot cried and begged him to save the marriage. I carried on begging him. He carried on talking as though everything was normal but I could sense that something was wrong. I did the stupid thing of panicking and called him excessively to see what was going on like I did a year ago when it all happened freshly. I think this completely solidified everything for him and he called to say he was definitely ending things and repeated the same pattern of telling me he was ending things without listening to my concerns. And then hung up on me leaving me comeptlty panicked and distraught. He switched his phone off and vanished like he used to. I'm a complete mess. I thought things were going to work out and we were getting on better than we used to. He was telling me eveyrhing that was going on in his life. He was the most honest he had ever been, at least I thought so anyway. I wish I hadn't attended for counselling and I wish I hadn't become so needy, things probably would have worked out. I messed up again and it's costing me my marriage. I just wish my life would end. I'm a useless idiot. Allah gave me a second chance to save my marriage and I screwed it up again. My husband must really hate me, but I love him so much. I don't know what to do now other than end my life. He just changed suddenly overnight, I've apologised to him for whatever I've done wrong. This is all my fault i must really pushed him away this time. I'm gonna kill myself now that's the only way I see out of this misery. I couldn't make my marriage work, I know there's something wrong with me, a husband wouldn't treat his wife this way otherwise. Thank you all for ur advice. Pls pray Allah forgives me.
You are allowing shaitaan to push you to the point of no return.
Stop blaming yourself. Your husband a real piece of work--he puts himself in a place of you needing him emotionally and then leaves because it gives him a high like a drug would and you don't realize it.
The fact that the counsellor questioned your husband's motives indicates that it ISNT YOU! It's him, him and him.
Start doing Dhikr right now sister. Pray to Allah swt and get out of the whirlwind your mind is in. It's a scary place and I know it, but you have to break this cycle and only you can do it. Suicide isn't the answer. Whatever your pain is, multiply it by 100 and that would be the very least of what to expect after taking your life. this is EXACTLY what shaitaan wants. for you to lose and him to succeed.
Drink water, only let Allah enter your thoughts, and go out with a good friend...life is worth living for yourself, not for horrible people who use others.
Btw, there is something wrong with all of us. Not just you. Allah swt has hidden our misdeeds due to His Mercy. We are all struggling. We are all trying. We all have to make improvements, not just you.
I need help. This is too painful. Things seemed to be going ok - we were talking and respecting each other. He seemed like he was coming back into the marriage but he wasn't fully committing. The only warning sign was him not getting his family involved. It all went pear shaped after the counselling. i knew I shouldn't have been so honest, and then I begged and pleaded him to save our marriage. I started chasing again and the night before he called me to compeltly end things I called him so excessively. If I was in his shoes I would be put off as well, but I panicked, I knew he was changing again and I was so desperately trying to keep the marriage intact. I wish I had just controlled myself and perhaps I could have saved the marriage. Why don't I see what evrytone else is seeing that ending the marriage is a positive step forward. I'm sucidisl but Alhamdulillah my family are supporting me once again. But I can't accept this. Is there any way that I can save my marriage, I want my husband back, it's our two year wedding anniversary- we seperated this time one year ago, and now he has called me to end things completely exactly a year later.
Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever be able to move on from this and marry again? It's been a whole year and I haven't been able to accept it or come to terms with it. I don't see myself ever recovering from this. It'll be a burden for my family and I will be in constant misery. So better to end this life, I'm going to give myself a few days to see if my feelings change, if not it's better to end the misery.
Completely concur with Saba. He uses you to get a high. I haven't seen a case of selfishness this bad before. The man has mental issues and he will do this to any one to get his fix.
You wont end your life. Not for a mental case. That I fully trust.
Stop thinking of the future, concentrate on making your life better now, compartmentalize and quarantine this man now as a separate part of your mind if you cannot delete him and follow the rest of sabas comment.
AAZA
I can't see what everyone is seeing. The way I see it is that he was trying to come back into the marriage and putting some effort into it. I was patient and keeping the pressure off, and was reassuring him eventhough I was getting nothing in return. I didn't want to do anything to jeopardise any hopes for reconciliation. Then suddenly we go for counselling suggested and organised by him, all the past resentments and memories come floating back, he suddenly uses the counselling as a sort of tick box to end things, and resorts back to his old behaviour of giving me the silent treatment killing any chance of reconciling. In my heart I feel that it was my own fault because after months of feeling stronger i broke down in front of him and cried and pleaded for a second chance at the marriage and then I called him so many times that I feel embarrassed about it, which probably tipped him over the edge and confirmed his decision for him.
I'm acknowledging what everyone is saying but I can't see it for myself and it's driving me insane.
As-salamu Alaykum, Bucks,
I have not read the whole story (only pieces here and there), so I cannot comment on the specifics. What I can tell you, though, is that there are many different types of people on this planet. Some are extremely giving and open while others are extremely cold and selfish. Between the two extremes are many other types. If you are type X, it can be very difficult to understand and relate to type Y (and vice versa). If you are the type of person who is optimistic and always looks for the good in others, it can be difficult to admit, acknowledge or believe that people can ever misunderstand you, question your motives, or treat you badly. On the other hand, if you are the cynical type, it may be hard for you to trust and get along with an optimist. This is all normal and human, and when it comes to marriage and relationships we call it compatibility. Some people are simply incompatible with other people. As I said, I am not wholly familiar with your story and do not want to say anything unjust about your husband. Perhaps he has good qualities, and this is why you continue to try. This says a lot about your character. Maybe he is trying to do the right thing, too, and that's why he wanted to try counseling. But it sounds to me like you guys are just not very compatible, especially when it comes to the way you communicate. Even if you were to reconcile, you might spend your whole life trying to get him to see things your way, and that could get really exhausting. Your energy might get drained and you might not have a lot left to give, which is something that could really take a toll on your (future) children and other things that may be important to you. Right now, I think you should focus on healing from this situation. Maybe Allah SWT is guiding you away from this marriage for a reason. You appear to be a very intelligent and sincere person, and I am sure that you have a lot to give the world. It will take time, but you will eventually heal, and I can say this with confidence. Imagine people who have been married for years and then suffer the turmoil and disturbance of divorce after they already have children and have changed their whole lives for the sake of the other person. It is still early for you, my sister, and you can heal...but you have to take a step back from the situation and just accept Allah's will. If Allah SWT has destined this relationship for you, then nothing on earth will be able to stop it. If He has not destined this relationship for you, then have faith that this is what's best for you and your future.
Your right if it's meant to be it will. It's just the most painful situation, I don't know how it's so easy for him. I feel really guilty and deeply upset wondering if I had just listened to him and done things his way - I was doing this anyway but was unhappy. He's done a lot of things wrongn but the main thing was terrible communication and misunderstandings. If only I had just pretended to be happy with the way he was doing things. He couldn't afford a house it seemed, but wasn't ready to accept my help. He said he wanted to live with his mum and would divorce me if I didn't want to live there. I think he said all this not for his mum but to live for free. And when I had finally accepted this i found out about his fling during his 'business' trip and I completely exploded and that seperated usthis time last year. I tried my best I really did up until now. I'm allowed to question and feel resentment right ? I can't get rid of this horrible feeling of guilty I know I'm going to end up insane. How can I convince myself this wasn't my fault.
Personally, I find that when I do not learn the lesson in giving up something that is not good for me, I end up repeating that lesson until I finally get it. The problem is sometimes the process of the repeated lesson, if I don't understand it sooner, hurts a lot. I don't know if that applies to you, but the reason that you may be in this situation again and again is because you haven't learnt the lesson that you were supposed to, hence, the returning of pain.
When you read your advice to others, you are able to see it objectively and therefore offer them a healthy solution--you need to start doing that for yourself.
You shouldn't feel guilty or upset or regret not pretending to be happy. You need to understand that you were in a toxic relationship and that none of it was close to normal. When you start doing that, you will start to heal. So long as you keep on taking 100% blame and not recognizing his lack of responsibilities, this pain will not stop. Silent treatment is a form of abuse. You are still questioning where you went wrong and you have been shut out after counselling. Counselling isn't a switch that just turns everything wrong into perfection--things take time, effort and understanding. You should recognize that you, as a wife, are entitled to having those things.
May Allah help you to heal. May Allah ease your pain and help you to see everything clearly. May Allah give you strength, Ameen.
Salam, I feel really embarrassed about writing on here again, I didn't want to, but recently someone has mentioned that my mother in law has been doing blackmagic to prevent us from getting together. It's a big accusation and i don't know what to believe. I mean I can easily imagine her doing something like this she was so desperate to get rid of me, she tried absolutely everything in her power to break the marriage and nothing to fix it. My husband hasn't signed the divorce papers yet but hasn't been in contact either - he's living a single life with me tied to him on paper. I'm so confused about what's going on
Salaam sister bucks, i am so sorry that u r going through the same situation. Sister, if Allah swt is delaying this divorce maybe there is some hikmat. I have faith that Allah swt will have a great reward for u at the end of this trial inshaAllah. Sister where does he live? I remember i told my husband that if he wont do anything ill just come to his house and we will continue our life as husband and wife that really scared him. I dont knw ur situation exactly but wallahualam somebody needs to talk to this man. And find out what he wants.
You get so easily confused and be influenced by any news related to your divorce. I understand it is a hard decision for taking a divorce. He may be so attractive to you physically and sexually that you cannot let go of him. There is only one thing you need to ask yourself when you fall into this confusion again : IS HE THE MAN / A MUSLIM POSSESS A GOOD QUALITY TO BE WITH? After hearing from you all he did to you in the past : neglect you when you miscarriage, asked you to pay in the honeymoon, to pay for his spending, cheated on you for a vacation with his family, cheated on you with another woman, playing games with you - catch me if you can - ......... IS HE THE MAN? IS HE THE MAN?
You cannot find an excuse for him because of black magic. It is his character from the beginning of your marriage. The choice is yours if you want to choose him back.
Regarding the black magic from your mother-in-law, Allah is above all power even there is a black magic involved. Do not even try to go to any "Sheikh" to "undo" the black magic as one will only given the "credit" of the power of the black magic. As a muslim, you should have known how to protect yourself from shatan, right? (Sometimes it gives me a creep that some muslim will use black magic to do to another, the punishment is death! How can one claims to be a muslim and practice black magic? I think it is probably a rumor about your mother -in-law does black magic. She may be just a very unpleasant, jealous type of woman. Do not believe anything people say. You need to get your sense back.) Ask your lawyer to set a deadline for signing the paper, he cannot hang you in the middle like this. Sorry for the rough tone.
Your not being harsh at all, I understand what you and everyone else are saying. He is good looking but it's not that, the reason why I can't let go is because I feel guilty. He has messed up big time, but I can't forget how often I used to argue with him, I was originally patient and compromised on everything for his sake, but when I found out he was lying and then twisting his words and playing mind games, neglecting me, refusing intimacy etc etc I felt like I was going insane. My patience broke, and although I was loving and caring I became so argumentative at times - I just couldn't get through to him, I just couldn't understand the lies, hence the arguments! I'm just so appalled with my behaviour, it must've come across as so immature. I tried so hard to communicate why I was unhappy, I told him evrything very openly and honestly to make him see where things were going wrong but he just didn't seem to care, he would still continue to lie, say one thing and do another - it was so confusing. And there's this one argument which keeps replaying in my mind which happened when he broke my trust again, I confronted him calmly after giving him weeks to come clean, but he answered so aggressively and then tried to run away as usual - It frustrated me so much that i grabbed his hands and cried and shouted for answers - but I didn't realise that I was holding his hand so tight it left nail marks/scratches. Him being who he is, took pictures of it and sent it to his family, to use against me for sure ( I didn't realise this till later on when I found out accidentally) whereas any bruises I got from him I didn't even bother to tell anyone nor take pictures, because I knew he didn't harm me on purpose. But those arguments are stuck in my mind, I can't forgive myself even though he's messed me around so much. I've never harmed him otherwise, and I haven't done anything else that's wrong and he knows this. It's not my nature to be this way and it's troubling me so much. That's why I've spent over a year trying to make him see that those arguments were a result of him neglecting my needs, I'd reached maximum patience. The last argument I had with him was when I found out about his cheating on me, after that the entire focus has been on him, he says things that are hurtful and mean, he criticises me etc but I remain patient because I don't want to make things worse. Even now the way he is messing around with the divorce and making me go through hell in finding alternate routes to get it finalised, it feels really disrespectful and at times it makes my blood boil but I don't say anything to him, instead I end up just blaming myself. He always blamed me, he simply doesn't talk about his mistakes and seems as though he puts the blame on me even for his own mistakes or denies them.
But that effect is still there, I know deep down that I haven't done anything majorly wrong and proven to him that if I made any mistakes im sorry and have accepted his criticism etc but i don't know why I feel so much guilt. I want to fix the situation and make him see that I love him, but even though I know he can see how much I love him and how hard I was trying to make the marriage work, he still somehow makes me feel guilty and that keeps driving me to please him at my own expense. It's just such a strange feeling, I don't really know how to explain it.
Everyone's given good advice so im not writing this to undermine anyone's advice or to seek more advice, just trying to explain why I've found it so hard to let go and why I kept letting him back into my life, even though I know he has messed me about so much.
Sister bucks, honey! He CHEATED on you he DISAPPEARED when you needed him most you had his child and lost the child and he still has the audacity to treat you like this. You are a GEM honey why are you wasting your time on this man? You deserve way better. Black magic or no magic I do not care you cannot control him or his actions but remember life is too short to be wasting it. You look like a person who values marriage as a friend, i am COMMANDING you not to waste even a minute on this man from now on. Go find someone who deserves this love. So what if you went back to him? You said in your previous posts that when you did go back you kept shifting from ur parents house to his house because OBVIOUSLY this man is not learning.
Now if this were the LAST man on earth I would understand even then maybe i would ask u to forget about him. But sister there are MANY good muslim brothers out there. I would say stop wasting your life and these years on sucha man and move on with your life. The Guilt? What exactly are you guilty of? Umm complaining when he cheated on you??? Ok darling, that's the sweetest thing ive heard. Please, you owe it to yourself do not waste your time on this man.
You work right? Find some other actiovities to keep you busy and please do find a good man. Pray to Allah swt to give you what you really deserve. And get a divorce out of him however you need to. But going back to him? Forget about it. I understand that we all make mistakes and if Allah swt gives us hidaya we can become better people. But u need to understand this man is not capable of seeing his faults. I know i am in the same boat as you but honey, cheating? I would never forgive that like ever ever.
Go eat icecream watch cartoons or do whatever that brings a smile on your beautiful face. You have wasted enough time worrying and in stress now get up and take the responsibility of making yourself happy and forget about this man. FOREVER!
I pray that Allah swt blesses you with a husband that you deserve and who will keep you happy and respected. I pray that Allah swt brings so much happiness to your life that you forget all the pain that you have endured. Ameen.
I pray for everyone this site to have a life full of happiness and their problems to be solved. Ameen.
Sister, I have so far refrained from commenting because everyone here has given you such good advice and I figured you just needed time to process the divorce and you would soon get over it, but this is not the first time you've mentioned that you argued or initiated arguments and that somehow contributed to the divorce. Let me tell you sister, all married couples argue. Some couples argue all the time. Some argue about small things like whose turn is it to do the laundry and whether they should order Chinese takeout or Indian takeout. Some argue about big things like overbearing relatives or where they should live. But these couples stay together no matter how much they argue because they have love and mercy in their marriages, as Allah says in the Quran. You didn't have this in your marriage, and the reason you didn't is because your husband is a liar, a cheater, and a master manipulator. Until you understand and accept that you did what you could and that your husband's behavior are what ended the marriage you will never move on. You need to understand that you argued and confronted him because you are a women with self-respect who does not accept to be married to a man who sins against her and against God in the way your husband did. And you must also understand that even if you had never argued with him, allowed him to do as he pleased and treat you like dirt, you would still not have had a marriage even if you technically stayed married. This is because marriage is more than just a piece of paper that binds two people together, marriage is a relationship built on love, compassion, mercy and respect between two people. You did not have that and never did. Now you can either stay "married," that is tied down to this man through a piece of paper, or you can get a divorce and finally be free to find a real marriage with someone else.
Beautiful response!
Your both right, but although I see situations other people are in more clearly, thoughts about my own situation are completely distorted. My husband and his family spent months pointing the finger at me and blaming me for everything, and making themselves look like angels and I believed it all, I thought there was something wrong with me - I guess they got some kind of joy out of controlling me and making me feel suicidal, and then my husband would throw me a bone to make me feel 'loved' again, when I think back to it, it was actually a form of torture but even to this day I want to go back and say or do something to have them accept and love me, it's so weird that I feel this way, but I can't help it. I know it'll take time to heal and get my confidence back. As I've never been in another relationship before it's very difficult for me to understand or feel what's normal, so only Allah knows how I'll behave with my husband in the future that's if Allah wants me to marry again - I have a feeling I'll become very submissive or overly suspicious, but only time will tell, right now the thought of another man makes me want to throw up and when I think of marriage I feel as though something in my head will burst.
Either way, even if I don't feel like it I just need to take the advice of everyone and move on - in my mind I have given two weeks, I'm going to do immense Dua for Allah to guide him during this time because I believe he has gone back to talking to the woman he cheated with whilst he still refuses to sign the papers, it's like his heart is dead and mind is empty and the devil has made his home in it. Not only do I feel broken by this, but it feels like he has taken my heart out of my chest, ripped it into shreds, stamped on it and then kicked it into the gutter to let it rot, whilst laughing. I know it's a terrible thing to say but I sincerely hope and pray that both him and his family are shown my pain via the only girl in their family, and they are put through the same pain and tearful days and nights that my parents are going through. That's the only way they will learn and appreciate what I went through.
Please keep me in your Duas, and pray Allah gives me sabr and guides him so that he spends the rest of his life crying and repenting for his sins and living life in regret, who knows Allah swt may hear one of your Duas sooner than mine.
Dear Sister Bucks,
Some things to share with you, in helping you let go,
Also,
please read:
http://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2013/08/16/toronto_man_killed_by_sniper_in_egyptian_clashes.html
You can follow Asmaa Hussein's posts on her FB. Recently, she wrote:
The reason why I am sharing this with you is that you are seeking to understand everything, but sometimes we can't understand until we step away from who we are. Read her last line again, She writes about consciously putting on a better garment. In other words, choosing something better for yourself has to be a conscious decision. It doesn't just happen. In the case of Sr. Asmaa, her husband passed away...but in your case, he is alive, but his efforts in the marriage dead. Yes, you can keep on blaming yourself--you can keep on going over the arguments in your mind, you can keep on torturing yourself--but that would be a conscious choice that you choose for yourself. Your husband should have protected you--and he didn't--but you have also chosen to keep on hoping in him despite his actions. You have to choose better for yourself if you want better in your life.
Finally, we also have to recognize that as humans sometimes we love people more than we love Allah. And there is a price for that. It is pain. Sometimes we are so far away from Allah, that we don't even feel that pain...but when we do feel that pain, it is a blessing, it is a calling, a time for us to rectify our situation and better our lives with His remembrance and by loving Him above all things. Make your conscious decision, dear Sister.
MashAllah, what an excellent reminder and a great post!
JazakAllah khair sister Saba! 🙂
Jzk sister Saba for the examples, it really helps. I'm not trying to understand him anymore- the image I have of him is a man that's in a whirlpool of sin, his heart to me seems dead and his brain is numb, he seems so confused and he's leading a life of no purpose - His life consists of sin, talking to this woman, meeting friends at bars, football, sleeping, eating, going alone on holidays that no one really knows where he goes or what he does and with whom. He lives in a house for free with his mum, no responsibilities, a career where he is working for his brother like a donkey getting paid the bare minimum or nothing if he makes no sales, basically he is providing free labour, and has no motivation to do anything else, and behaving like a single man whilst still being married. All this and he is in his mid thirties, it's so wrong, most people by this age are usually well settled or at least working towards some goals. I feel sorry for him at times, it seems his behaviour is linked to his childhood since he can't remember most of it, and since he cried when asked about his childhood during an individual counselling session he attended. He talks about how he has not received love at home or outside. I think what I was doing was trying to understand his inner thoughts and feelings, but he's guarded, and he's chosen to hurt me whenever I try to get close to him. I'm not sure.
All I can do is make Dua for him that Allah swt guides him, I really do want him to have the noor of emaan in his heart so that he can realise his mistakes and repent for them, right now he's a lost cause going down a very dangerous path and when I make Dua I literally have this image of Allah swt plucking him out of this mess and placing him in a place where he's at peace and guided.
In the mean time, I'm letting myself grieve - all I've been doing for over a year is working hard to make the marriage work. So now I'm letting go and just grieving, im not questioning or trying to understand anything, just trying to feel happy again and overcome my insecurities. I also feel heartbroken that he seems to have gone back to talking to that woman, but again, I focus on Allah swt and realise that neither of them can hurt me, they're powerless, if Allah wanted to He could guide them both, I just need to keep talking to Allah.
Can I please make a really silly request from everyone and anyone who reads this. I'm really hurting - I think it's properly sinking in now how cruel my husband has been, but for the next few weeks I'm making dua for him, so that Allah helps him to soften his heart and put love and mercy in it towards me, and that Allah swt guides him and places the noor of imaan in his heart, mind and soul so that he feels guilt for his sins. That he realises and feels remorse for his mistakes and understands the pain he has caused me, and is able to clearly see the abusive behaviour his family especially his mum had towards me. And to also make him feel repulsion towards the woman he cheated on me with and that each time he tries to communicate with her he feels physically sick just like I did at the thought of them two being together, and that while he still remains married to me that Allah swt blocks his heart from ever wanting to talk to a non mahram woman including his own sister in law. And Also that Allah guides him and makes him pious, Ameen . Please could everyone help me make the same dua, Allah swt may respond to someone else's dua sooner than mine, who knows.
Sounds weird I know, but this is my way to heal and try to get some closure.
Assalam alaikum,
Dear Sister Bucks,
I'm going to be straight up honest with you. I will be praying for you, but my du'a for you will be that Allah swt take you to the path that is best for YOU as Allah swt KNOWS best. I will be praying for your husband that Allah swt makes him realize his errors....sometimes, Dear Sister, we are fixated on what we want. And sometimes, what we want is destruction, when Allah swt wants to give us what is better.
May Allah swt ease your pain and bring to you what He believes is best for you, Ameen.
Dear Sister Bucks,
You are strong don't forget that. You want to make peace with everything and everyone around you. That's good.
I will be praying for you.
Take care
You still want him to change, you want to punish him, and you're continuing to associate your ability to move on with his actions. You can hide behind the guise of praying for him, but that's the honest truth that you can't seem to see. You have given him all the power, the power to finalize the divorce and the power to allow you to move on. You want him to fundamentally change who he is before you can let him go, but then of course if he does change, you won't have to let him go because he'll have realized the errors of this way and realized how wonderful you are and come back to you. Isn't the right? Isn't that exactly what you're saying here and what you're hoping for? Admit it to yourself. You cannot move on because you don't want to and are deciding every day not to.
HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. And until you can understand that you will never stop pining for him. Honestly sister, from where I'm sitting, the emotional pit you've fallen into is a thousand times worse than any ramifications of a divorce could possibly be. At least once a divorce is final, the woman is free to focus on a new life with the potential of happiness. But you will never have that because you are stuck.
NE, your points are valid and I appreciate them. But I do believe in the power of dua. Believe me I hate my husband for what he's done, but I believe we all deserve a second chance. It would be amazing if tomorrow he did a complete 180 and became the most pious responsible loving husband, if he begged me to forgive him etc, I would be the happiest woman alive but realistically I can't see that happening. But if not now, Maybe Allah will accept my dua one day. Only Allah knows best but I really do feel that my husband has an empty heart that the devil has made his home in, his life is full of lies and deceit and I feel sorry for him. I think he's a lost cause sometimes because this was a major part of his upbringing - his mother lies, abuses and is a harsh lady - I'm almost certain that he had a terrible childhood. I really do want him to just wake up and see the damage he's causing, the mess he's made. Also by praying for him I feel ill be able to eliminate the guilt I feel eventhough I haven't done anything majorly wrong. I'm just desperately trying to find some relief maybe doing this will help.
Brothers and sisters, I don't even see the point of writing on here because it's annoying for everyone. But I'm at my wits end. I can't move forward with this divorce it was hard enough me sending the divorce papers. I've tried to but physically and mentally it's like there's a block I can't take the next step. My family are putting a lot of pressure on me to get rid of him asap, their so supportive as well, but they can't force me. I feel like vomiting when I think of the divorce and I can't breathe. I hate him for what he's done but I still love him a lot as my husband. I'm scared, im watching myself destroy my life for a man who couldn't care less. God knows what I said in that counselling session to scare him away again. But that's the whole point of counselling to acknowledge mistakes and try to find solutions. I'm destroying my own life and I can't help it. I keep reminding myself that there's ease after hardship, I need that so badly. I'm so scared I've done something or unknowingly hurt someone and now I'm being punished. The dreams I get are terrible too, seeing snakes. I need Allah to protect me, I'm tired but my brain won't stop. I feel so unbelievably angry with myself for putting my parents through this rubbish, their elderly they should be relaxing but going through this with me. Pls pray for me.
I saw this today and thought of you:
"As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good; I was actually being redirected to something better. You must convince your heart that whatever Allah has decreed is most appropriate and most beneficial to you."
Imam Al Ghazali (Rahimahullah)
Also, please read:
http://www.no2abuse.com/index.php/articles/comments/silent-abuse-the-mind-game-by-teresa-cooper
Silence can be used as a means of abuse. Even if you said something in counselling to "scare" him off, he needed to tell you, but instead chose to ignore you.
May Allah help you in enduring this painful time and in making good decisions in your life, Ameen.
Sister Saba that article is spot on, I can relate to every single aspect of that article. He was sneaking around behind my back telling his family rubbish, and he managed to turn my own brother against me to the extent that my brother started blaming me too - he wouldn't listen to anything I would say, he stopped talking to me, and was obvious he didn't like me. I think he snapped out of it once I told him about the other woman, and finally started listening to me. I won't go into too much details but I became really unwell and suicicdal one night, when I was cornered And belittled by my husband, His sis in law and his mother who was speaking lies about me. I was further humiliated by my brother who wouldn't let me defend my self because he felt I was starting to speak aggressively and humiliated me further by asking me to apologise to his mum who had blatantly sat their and lied about me. Oh and then made me apologise again like a child because he didn't feel I had apologised properly the first time. And this entire time my husband was chatting to the other woman, which he conveniently forgot to mention. I was so suicidal that night, on top of that I was vomting violently I was really unwell. My husband left me on my own the whole night while I vomited every half hour, my mother in law couldn't care less. By the next morning my husband was shocked to see me in the state I was in, but he didn't do anything until my mum and other brother showed up. I ended up in hospital, my husband ended up staying with me wcih surprised me but he told me afterwards that I did all of that to manipulate him. I was so hurt.
Anyway no point repeating the same things, it's just so hard to remember his faults and so easy to blame my self all day long. I just feel so unwell, this is all so out of character for me, I'm just fed up of myself, but I need to push through this for my parents.
But the weird thing is accepting he behaved this way with me doesn't make it any easier, it hurts even more because it means I have to accept that he's hard hearted and hurtful, and he's done it on purpose.
I think you need therapy. It seems like you've been grieving for this marriage for longer than it even lasted. That's not normal, especially since it's clear there wasn't too much to grieve over anyway. It's not like you were so happy and all of a sudden it ended. You should be relieved to end the marriage, but instead you feel physically ill? That's not normal at all. I never say this because I believe it's very very rare and too many people fall back on it as an excuse, but is it possible his mother or someone has put some kind of black magic on you? I still think it's very unlikely, but as a precaution you should surround yourself with Quran - if nothing else, it'll ease your pain. But you should also definitely seek therapy. You have failed at processing the dissolution of you marriage for how long now, over a year? You need a professional to guide you to the other side.
NE I agree with you. This isnt normal and it's compeltly out of character for me. I've tried counselling etc but doesn't help. With re: to black magic etc I've spoken to a few knowledgeable people who specialise in this and they've all said that I have symptoms of sihr, but I don't know much about all this myself and I'm not sure what to believe. I've started performing self Ruqyah anyway which is making me feel worse. I've also been told by someone that his mothers brought taweez back from somewhere, but I haven't seen them with my own eyes so finding it hard to believe. And these dreams I have of snakes are disgusting, they disturb me and cause anxiety for days. The only way to describe how I feel is suffocated, like I can't breathe. I'm trying everything i can to be strong, my family are worried about me too, but like I said before I can't help feeling this way. I know I'm destroying my life by being this way, and like my brother said to me in all this time I have wasted I could have been happily married again. I agree and understand what everyone says but I still spend hours everyday blaming myself for what's happened and it drives me insane. I just trying to be patient and turning to Allah - at least now alhamdulillah my faith is a little stronger I'd lost this before too. Pls keep me in your duas.
How are you holding up?!
Just frightened of taking the next steps and also heart broken by my husbands lack of care. How are things your end ?
Assalamoalaikum wr wb sister, ive been reading your comments on other posts as well. Seems to me like you are ready to rake the plunge lol go ahead i was reading an article and the woman was saying that after the divorce is final you feel a strange strength. In our cases since it has been prolonging we r going nuts lol.
Do not be heart broken sister rather thank God that Allah swt hasnt made you heartless and loves you so much that He wants u to love a man better than him. Allah swt knows u deserve better!! Allah swt gave ur husband chances all this time to take u back and do the right thing but unfortunately ur husband is not ready to take hidaya. U can do nothing more. Sister, if there is another woman involved why are u even in this so called relationship ? Get out. Even if u did go back what will ur relationship be like now? He broke ur trust sister and it has been way too long. The mourning should be over now take the next few steps like ripping off a bandage and inshaAllah once its done i pray that Allah swt heals u completely and gives u a man u deserve.
Ws I'm not ready sister but I'm as usual he's put me in a position where I have no choice but to do what he wants me to. What's the update with your hubby? Is he still playing game?
My husband has deleted all the ways i could message him. Well i could message on phone but i havent. It has been two weeks and he hasnt contacted me at all. Through other ppl i sent him the msg tht i am going to start working and he despised it because his family keeps saying that it is not even over yet. After that he deleted all mediums of communication. I guess in his mind now i am evil for trying to move on . But anyway, two weeks ago he final said that he wants divorce i havent received any more information regarding divorce he is as usual vanished while i am breaking down. I dont know what to do anymore i feel likeive been abandoned in the middle of a desert.
Salam sister Bucks,
I think sometimes we need to take action to help ourselves in life no matter how hard it is. I think you should come to the conclusion that this relationship died a long time ago. What I found the hardest was reality versus my ideal image of my ex. The awful reality was staring me in the face and I was still hoping for the ideal. But I backed off knowing I should put my faith in Allah swt and accept reality. I think you're holding on to a fantasy that will not materialise.
Please be very careful. You can't blame him any longer for what is happening right now to you. He has left and does not want to be a husband. What is happening to you now is your choice. It's hard seeing it like that- but you do have a choice.
Nothing bad will happen to you inshAllah when the divorce goes through. The only thing that may occur is that you'll grieve, but this time it'll be with more relief and a new start. Valuable time is passing you by.
When my divorce went through I grieved, deeply. But that grieving process made me move on and become strong again Allhamdulillah because there was no going back. Yes I still remember and think of my ex but I wouldn't wish for him back. Rather I look forward to true marriage with a great man, a family of my own and a good life in this dunya and Akhira.
I believe you're healing process will only start once the divorce goes through. Your focus will shift back to living a normal happy life, growing and finding that you can be happy again.
Don't hinder yourself from living your life and experiencing joy. Be Grateful to Allah swt and move forward.
Good luck sis.
I'm feeling so tired. I'm finding it so hard to be strong. I know this is all a test but some days are unbearable, like today. Although my dad is supportive he's not loving. I can never hold a conversation with him and I've always tried to fill that void. My brothers are great but they're busy in their own lives with their own families, the only time they really have time for me is when I'm in crises, and I don't blame them because there is a huge age gap between us. And then I've ended up with a husband who married me to trial marriage, couldn't handle being married so discarded me like rubbish. My husband knows 110% how difficult it is for me to go through the motions of ending this marriage yet he's left the entire burden on me, for me to clean up whilst he's out there enjoying his life like I don't exist. This marriage ending is his decision not mine, so why am i running around getting divorce papers sorted, seeing lawyers, courts etc? I'm just so tired of everything, I feel like I'm drowning I just can't get to the surface. I'm just so tired of being independent, I know it's an ungrateful thing to say but I want someone to just protect me and take care of me, and be responsible for me. I don't know how to express what I mean but I just really want love that only a husband can give. I'm tired of being on my own. I feel so angry with my husband for being happy whilst I suffer.
Sorry to hear your sufferings .May allah help you and make it easy everything for you .
Don't loose hope .Things will be better after some time insha allah ....
Ameen, pls keep me in your prayers
Sister tawakkul he's not going to divorce you he's just playing games! He wants attention. It's a good sign that the fam are saying it's not over yet. Leave him be, pretend to be happy I'm sure he'll realise what he's lost and come chasing after you.
I hope you are right sister. But it has been three months to our separation im startng to think maybe he has moved on. And what if me not talking makes him forget me? I know im a loser! If only things were easier 🙁
He won't forget you. Let him miss you. I'm pretty sure he will contact you. But whether he's a mature enough person for marriage I'm not sure. Do lots of duas in the mean time. May Allah swt soften his heart Ameen.
Ameen. I hope you are right. Where are u orginally from sister? If u dont mind me asking
I'm from England but my parents are afghan/pak - so I'm a mix of the two 🙂 yourself ?
Pak 🙂
I tried not to write on here but I feel so panicked. Eveyrhing was going ok but I keep dreaming of my husband as the devil and it's really scaring me. I can visualise him as the devil and I don't want to. I've been praying that Allah guides him and takes him away from sin whether the marriage lasts or not. I feel so paranoid I keep thinking that he's enjoying the pain I'm going through, I can visualise him smiling at my pain, and trying to harm me with his family. I know how stupid this sounds but I can't get rid of this fear in my heart. I feel scared and it seriously feels like I can't breathe. This all sounds so irrational but I just can't shake off this horrible suffocating feeling, and it becomes worse every time I think of taking the next step. It feels like he's doing all this to harm me on purpose, he knows it's affecting me which is why he's doing it, to enjoy it, and it feels as though his family are trying to harm me too. I don't know what's wrong with me, I was never like this, I don't know why my head has become so messed up. Please be patient with me for writing on here again, I don't need anymore advice, I just need everyone to please keep me in their Duas so I can be normal again and do what's right for me.
Honey, you need to get out of this and find a better man why are you wasting your years? I have decided to make my father call my husband after eid and ask him to call me back or leave me. Because i am going crazy. I can only imagine what a mess you would be by now you have been in this situation for so long and it is the hardest! You need to finalize this and move on.
I've been trying to sister believe me, but I literally can't. Whenever i try to or even think about i start feeling angry or suffocated and I just leave it. I want to die, because I can't take anymore of this pain. And he's so selfish he randomly sent me text messages a couple of times just saying my name, like he wanted me to talk, when I finally asked him what his messages meant he ignored me. I just feel like he's possessed or is the devil in human form, and it's scarey, it's like he's getting pleasure from my pain. Why would a husband do this, why would his family hate me? I feel so filthy that I let him anywhere near me, I feel really used. I hadn't been with any man before him, and instead of protecting me he's degrading me. I'm finding it really hard.
Sister, forget about what he did, does and is going to do it is time you start taking care of yourself. I know i feel used and abandoned too but darling, you have to stand up for yourself be a strong woman! Look life isnt only about getting married life is beautiful! You need to do this for yourself. You need to take care of yourself because noone else will. Look only your time is being wasted not anyone else's. Why are you wasting your life over a man who doesnt need you? You have so much to offer mashaAllah you are kind compassionate loving you will be a loving wife to someone you deserve! Go find someone who deserves you! Please. You have to save yourself only you can do it.
Just rip the bandage off with your eyes closed. Just one step and youre out. Mentally you are ready now as ready as you can be now you have to go through the post divorce life. Come on dont drag this phase of yourlife so much. You have the power to stop this misery.
Yes please, take that next step. Also listen/read Surah Baqarah once in 3 days without fail. Listen to a ruqyah audio everyday.
Allah knows best but what I came to know through Raqi's was that I was suffering from jinns, I literally used to feel that they are following me in my office, waking me up, used to see thousands of snakes in my dream , different kinds of animals, could even feel that someone is touching me all over, it was really worst and one of the raqi informed that it is for breaking marriage. My husband did started wearing taweez or keeping chits with arabic text and I could find other things in the room when we were having issues.
Please get yourself treated. Read and listen to Quran as much as you can.
I literally could not sleep unless the Quran Audio is on and running during my pregnancy.
Alhamdulillah now I am fine and the treatment was only Quran recitation. Now I do not feel all such things and also such dreams are over post my divorce.
I am not trying to divert the topic or provide a reason for divorce. Just sharing my experiences. In no way, it changes his perception, his mistakes and him being the man-child.
Just take it as the Qadr of Allah(swt) and move on...
take care..
Why don't you block him from your phone or change your number? Also ask your father to tell him to stop contacting you. If he has something to say, he can contact your father instead of you.
A is right. Block him- no more contact.
Sis, he is not coming back. Not today not tomorrow. It's over.
Why do you want him? I really want you to think about this and tell us. Why?
This guy is probably one of the worst I've heard off. He seems so so cruel. Could you ever imagine having a child with him? He could turn the child against you and this mental torture would perpetuate your entire life.
Get your mahram to finalise this for you. NOT you. Your mahram is there for a reason.
Let go and start your healing process now.
You need to remember that there is a Day of Reckoning that awaits us all. Stop thinking this Dunya is IT.
You're not alone. Allah swt Sees and Hears you. Your family is next to you. We read your posts and feel your pain and wish we could wake you up. Your perception of reality is so distorted that I wouldn't trust you to make the right choice at this time. Hand that over to your mahram and relax. Look after yourself. You're breaking yourself down mentally, spiritually and physically.
Get divorce else situation won't improve .once you are free you will feel better else situation will be the same ..may Allah make it easy for you
Sister Bucks,
Tell us why it is you want this man to be part of your life?
I want him to be a part of my life because I love him, although because of what he's done I hate him at times. I still see him as my husband. I can't see how just a few months of living together can justify his decision to divorce me. He won't even give me a second chance. His mind is made up, yet he won't divorce me officially, why? Even if he does want to divorce me, why is he hurting me in the process, doesn't he see what he's doing? I haven't been given any answers, I have so many solutions for each and every issue he has ever raised. If he was soft hearted enough to give this a second chance, things would work.
I'm also finding it hard to come to terms with how someone can discard me from their life despite the fact that I love him more than his own family. And why is he being so cruel about it - I feel like I must have been so awful that he wants to continue punishing me. The only thing I can think of which i did wrong was becoming impatient and arguing, I never cheated on him or even thought of another guy, I didn't lie to him nor did anything majorly wrong, despite the fact that I was working long hours, and tired I always had time for him, I took care of him, i made a note of every little thing he might need eg socks etc and made sure I bought them for him so that he looked presentable - he still wore those socks, their worn out now but he's too lazy to buy new ones - how come he didn't appreciate all these little things that a wife does. I shouldn't have argued, I know it's normal for couples to argue, but that guilt is killing me hence why I've tried for over a year to make him see that I'm not normally argumentative that it was the circumstances that brought out the worst in me, I tried to be as patient as I possibly could but it broke. I feel like I need to make it up to him, so that he can see that I can give him a peaceful life, I don't always argue, I just need time to adjust and understand him. My heart won't let go.
I also feel like i did something to make him become this way. How can not only him but his entire family turn against me, even though I haven't done anything to his family. Why are they so unforgiving? I need to understand why they have so much hatred in their hearts towards me, what did I do to deserve that? It hurts even more that his family hate me, when I don't even understand why.
I also feel worthless. I don't see why anyone else would want me. I feel unattractive - he refused me intimacy, he called me fat, even though I very easily fit into a small size or a British size 8-10, and a couple of times he told me that I'm fat so it turns him off, even though I wasn't fat. He commented on my appearance negatively. He looked at other women in my presence, he commented on how his brothers wife had kept herself in shape over the years and how she hasn't changed at all, and he was obsessed with pale skin, but he put me down because I wasn't pale enough not as much as his brothers wife. It hurt. He cheated on me with a blonde blue eyed woman, he sent messages to women, non Muslim women. He told the woman he cheated with so many negative things about me, yet refused to share his feelings with me. Why did he neglect me and not stick up for me in front of his family, he said it was because of the arguments. He was attracted to me when he married me, I didn't change that much in a few months, but I feel so worthless and ugly now -I can't face having another man comment on my looks, I feel really ugly and worthless.
Also I can't face the aspect of marrying again. The thought of starting the search for another husband, the thought of getting to know him, and the panic of being deceived. I can't bear it. I'd rather that my current husband become better, but he won't.
I feel empty. I just want him to love me like a husband should, I want him to protect me and give me attention, I've been craving that throughout the marriage. I can't move on because he's made me feel worthless and like a nobody.
bucks
June 29, 2015 • 12:32 am
I want him to be a part of my life because I love him,
although because of what he's done I hate him at times. I still see him as my husband. I can't see how just a few months of living together can justify his decision to divorce me. He won't even give me a second chance. His mind is made up, yet he won't divorce me officially, why? Even if he does want to divorce me, why is he hurting me in the process, doesn't he see what he's doing? I haven't been given any answers, I have so many solutions for each and every issue he has ever raised. If he was soft hearted enough to give this a second chance, things would work.
I'm also finding it hard to come to terms with how someone can discard me from their life despite the fact that I love him more than his own family. And why is he being so cruel about it - I feel like I must have been so awful that he wants to continue punishing me. The only thing I can think of which i did wrong was becoming impatient and arguing, I never cheated on him or even thought of another guy, I didn't lie to him nor did anything majorly wrong, despite the fact that I was working long hours, and tired I always had time for him, I took care of him, i made a note of every little thing he might need eg socks etc and made sure I bought them for him so that he looked presentable - he still wore those socks, their worn out now but he's too lazy to buy new ones - how come he didn't appreciate all these little things that a wife does. I shouldn't have argued, I know it's normal for couples to argue, but that guilt is killing me hence why I've tried for over a year to make him see that I'm not normally argumentative that it was the circumstances that brought out the worst in me, I tried to be as patient as I possibly could but it broke. I feel like I need to make it up to him, so that he can see that I can give him a peaceful life, I don't always argue, I just need time to adjust and understand him. My heart won't let go.
I also feel like i did something to make him become this way. How can not only him but his entire family turn against me, even though I haven't done anything to his family. Why are they so unforgiving? I need to understand why they have so much hatred in their hearts towards me, what did I do to deserve that? It hurts even more that his family hate me, when I don't even understand why.
I also feel worthless. I don't see why anyone else would want me. I feel unattractive - he refused me intimacy, he called me fat, even though I very easily fit into a small size or a British size 8-10, and a couple of times he told me that I'm fat so it turns him off, even though I wasn't fat. He commented on my appearance negatively. He looked at other women in my presence, he commented on how his brothers wife had kept herself in shape over the years and how she hasn't changed at all, and he was obsessed with pale skin, but he put me down because I wasn't pale enough not as much as his brothers wife. It hurt. He cheated on me with a blonde blue eyed woman, he sent messages to women, non Muslim women. He told the woman he cheated with so many negative things about me, yet refused to share his feelings with me. Why did he neglect me and not stick up for me in front of his family, he said it was because of the arguments. He was attracted to me when he married me, I didn't change that much in a few months, but I feel so worthless and ugly now -I can't face having another man comment on my looks, I feel really ugly and worthless.
Also I can't face the aspect of marrying again. The thought of starting the search for another husband, the thought of getting to know him, and the panic of being deceived. I can't bear it. I'd rather that my current husband become better, but he won't.
I feel empty. I just want him to love me like a husband should, I want him to protect me and give me attention, I've been craving that throughout the marriage. I can't move on because he's made me feel worthless and like a nobody.
Salaam sister Bucks,
Only your first line was what I would say has a slight positive. The rest of what you have described is painful. You seek validation from people who have very little morals and you're placing your worth in their hands. You have parents, a family who raised you to be a good person. You have Allah swt who Guided you and Blessed you immensely. But you have latched on to poison and you keep taking sips of it and won't let go. It's not part of a normal healthy relationship what has happened to you and You're seeking truth and love from a source of what has become a huge fitna in your life.
Firstly we can love a person but when we love them in the wrong way we are in fact placing them at the centre of our universe and making them our object of worship. This man has become an object that you have placed all your energy and time into, it is as if you have chosen to give yourself up in order to have him. It is as if he has become your object of worship. Sometimes this is a great test for us- love and how we love. Understand sister that Allah swt should be the centre of your worship, hope and fear in Him. Judge yourself according to Him swt. Many of the things that you describe shows that you seem to have gone to a place where you have very little hope in Allah swt. When you talk about your future you make it seem like a bleak future with little hope of being happy. The fact is you're not happy now and the likelihood is that this man will not ever make you happy. You are allowing him to affect every part of you, your essence as a woman, muslimah in a negative destructive way.
I don't think you love him sister Bucks. I really don't. You can't hate a person and love them also. I know for a fact that he doe not love you. He doesn't. I'm sorry because you are so lovable mashAllah. This guy has no ounce of care for you. The fact is you really dislike him. I think you think that you can love him into loving you and validating you. But you already had value and worth before meeting him. You had this all your life. How can a few months with this guy make you lose all f that? Are you not worth fighting for? Also do you not deserve to be happy? Do you not deserve to be taken care of and respected?
You will never gain love or respect from this family. That's not your fault. This is just the way they are. You won't ever ever change them or their minds. Ever. Allah swt does not change the condition of a people unless they change themselves. You're not a match to your sister in law or his mum- you are better than that. You're not a match to him- men would fall over themselves trying to marry you. This guy can't even match up his own socks- do you think he can patch up what's been destroyed? He doesn't need your help. He does not need your intervention.
You need to start helping yourself. You need to trace back what you felt about yourself before you met him. You need to find yourself. You can only do that if you place Allah swt at the centre of your universe.
It's not that I don't understand you. I understand you. I felt something of what you're feeling last year. I thought I loved my ex more than his family and the whole universe put together. I felt I was a very good wife. I thought he should have been very happy to be with me. Why wouldn't he commit to me? Why couldn't he just be my husband and look after me? But that was not the case. He divorced me via email and never spoke to me about it. He refused to speak to my family. But he gave me enough clues to understand he was lacking, not I. How is that for a rejection? I didn't die. I didn't allow him to think that I couldn't move on. In fact I think most men I will meet will beat him easily. I'm actually smiling now because I know that nothing can harm you if you chose Allah swt first. I know for a fact what he lost- because I went back to finding myself. Like you I lost myself in only a few months- minimum self esteem, no self respect, complete numbness to what had happened. Like you I was told ugly things, things which a normal man would recoil from. I'm glad I heard all of it. I see him for what he is. This is his life. It has ugly words and devoid feelings. Not mine. I'm capable of loving wholeheartedly and looking after a man very well. He is lonely now, not I. He is left wondering, not me. Today I'd recognise any such human being- whether spouse or friend and stop them right in their tracks. I'd never allow anyone to put me down again. People are ok when they come out of bad relationships. They are happy and free to chose someone who is much better for them.
You did not lose anything. You loved, you forgave, you apologised, you compromises, you grew, you overlooked faults, you pleaded, you tried your best. You'll be a better wife to someone else because of all the things you have learnt. Allah swt Planned that you wouldn't get what you want this time- because that thing is destructive to your life and hereafter. He swt Has something better in store for you.
I know that you know that there is no future with that man. You could not live with him and be yourself. You could not sit amongst his family and force a smile everyday knowing what they have put you through. You could not risk placing your children in that toxic environment. You cannot cut him off his family. You cannot change him. You'd have to be enslaved to their desires and I think that in itself would destroy you. Are you really trying to say that you'd chose that?
You need to live, and this is not a way to live. Please sis, chose to live. Allah swt Is keeping you away from that man because you need to live and have a future and be happy. Allah swt is Taking care of you. You need to take care of yourself and let go. Let that realisation hit you and you'll survive.
You can let go, live and go through the emotions of healing from this. Or you can spend more time tuneinf it inside out to find exactly the same thing as you did over a year ago. You're young and beautiful. Take a leap of faith and let go.
But it must be all my fault. If I didn't argue he would not end the marriage. He told me that the counselling solidified his decisijon, it was the first session and I was crying and I was annoyed as wel because he didn't even know why he was there, but I never got angry just upset, I didn't start screaming and shouting. He was smiling though almost as if he got to see me crying and upset and that let him off the hook, as if that's what he wanted to see to make him feel better about ending the marriage becaus I was too emotional and needy. The fact was that he was manipulating the situation and lying again. Hence why I spoke up and got upset. He doesn't see what he has done wrong. I keep repeating the same cycle of self blame, I wish I hadn't argued that's why he's doing all this, that's his excuse.
I'm sorry hopeful sis I haven't disregarded what hour or anyone else has said, this is just my mindset right now I will need to snap out of it. I'm trying.
It's not good to keep repeating ' had I not done such and such this would not have happened'. I think you know that it's not your fault because you tell us all the reasons why it can't be. And even IF it was your fault I think you are intelligent enough to understand that a normal man would have taken his share of the blame and rectified things with you.
This is not a way to live nor find happiness. It's not good to harm yourself in this way when there's no need.
You can't make him do anything. Involving your Mahram will help stop the limbo you are in.
You'll stop when you chose to. And inshAllah you'll start healing then.
I'll make dua for you sis.
My husband is making my life and this divorce so difficult. Why is he doing this? If he doesn't want me and he hates me why is he putting me through this? What is he punishing me for???? I'm going to lose my mind. I need to know is this a punishment from Allah? I know I didn't sin with my husband before marrying him nor did I have a relationship with another man. I married him and loved him, I argued with him but that was about it - but that was over a year ago. Am I cursed, is this the consequence of a curse? Why is his heart so hard, why does he seem to enjoy my pain. Pls help me.
He's actually going away on holidays whilst he's making my life miserable and dragging me through this mess. The whole process is dragging on because of this poor excuse of a Muslim. I want Allah to guide him so he regrets it but also to punish him in this world, the grave and the hereafter. But all I'm seeing so far is his happiness, his trips, socialising, success in his business - while I suffer, where is the justice?
Honey why dont you just message him and ask him why havent you signed the papers yet?
He is mentally out of the relationship probably by now but doesnt want u to be mentally out of it. Make him sign the papers sister u need to get out of this ASAP
Sister he is being uncooperative it's not just about signing the legal papers what about the Islamic side of things.
Has your family been dealing wit this passively? Make your brother or father call him Nd ask him what he wants and that he doesnt have the right to do this confront him
May Allah ease your difficulties and grant you relief .. Aameen
Sorry to hear this .
Why law of land can't help you ? Just send a message to him that if he don't respond by so and so date you will get the help of authorities ..
Don't worry ..Most of people might have spent life as chaste but get in to hell kind of situation after marriage .
There are lot of such experiences and people regretting for being pious as they didn't get happiness life after marriage ..
But we need to remember that staying chaste was for the sake of Allah and there is no guaranty that we will get good spouse because we stayed chaste ..Most of people have this mis conception even i tood had that ...
Anyway ,just be strong and take the help of police/authorities if he is intentionally delaying this ..
Most of laws regarding marriage are women friendly ..Then why you can't make use of it ?Are you too soft to handle this ? Take the help of your brother ..
Forget about praying for him ..Just slap him and involve legal authorities and force him to sign ...Those days of praying for such people are over ...
Does your love for your husband compete with your love for Allah swt? If it does and if you *love* your husband more than you love Allah or more than you love yourself or more than you love the reason for Allah's decision to create you....you have a problem at hand. On a small scale, this seems to be about a man who has abandoned and not cared for you, on a larger scale, this is about how you treat yourself knowing that Allah swt loves you 70 times more than you mother (though Allah knows what this amount means or is). You loved your husband and he left you. Allah swt loves you--don't neglect that and don't let the circumstances in this somewhat 'holographic' life which is temporary eat away at you. The circumstances have created a tunnel surrounding you, limiting your view, come out of it and look up. Look at the bigger picture. The curse is you thinking this is a curse. The punishment is you believing this is a punishment. The relief comes when you take the shackles off from a marriage to a human who is only a human, nothing more at all.
Saba, mashaAllah your words provide alot of relief. Have you ever considered writing a book? If not, you should.
Also, I understand your point, and I am moving forward alhamdulillah, but sometimes the frustration and pain builds up so much that I feel suffocated. Divorce in itself is a really tough situation to get through but when someone is going against the word of God and going about doing things in all the wrong ways, it rips you up inside and makes you wander why somebody would be so harsh.
Allah knows best though, I guess we all face trials and this is mine, but I pray that things will improve from now on, especially as I have now accepted that it's over, I just need to be strong through the actions now.
Jazak Allah for your kind words, inn shaa Allah, one day.
The suffocation is real and it is also crippling. Maybe you should consider sitting in ithikaaf for the last 3 days of Ramadan, if you can. Perhaps you need total silence and prayer to help you. Instead of focusing all your attention on why and how someone could be a certain way, sometimes, we have to accept it and leave matters in the hands of Allah swt. Leaving matters in the hands of Allah swt acknowledges our powerlessness--it is never easy to do that because we live in a illusion of how we may control what is around us and spend too much time in "what if I did this or that" - when in fact, all we really have if Allah wills is "what if I do this now..."
Sister Saba I had already planned to sit the last 5 days in itikaf, what I desperately want and am struggling to do is become close to Allah swt because then all these other things won't matter, but even if they do I'll be able to cope better with them knowing that Allah will take care of it all.
sister i feel its not your husband/ex husband whos making things difficult, but you are making this more painfull for yourself. i know you are struglling to come to terms with your husbands behaviour and the end of your marriage which is why you are in so much pain, thats understandable, but the fact you have not let go of him is why this is harming you. yes it is difficult to accept when a relationship ends especially when we wanted it to work and tried so hard. he is not "dragging you" it seems he has moved on with his life and this is what is causing you heartbreak. he may be dragging the process but why are you letting this stop your healing process? this is not a punishement from allah, you are punishing yourself. rather allah has saved you from this man although you cannot see this right now as your emotions are clouded with hurt.
you said you didnt sin with your husband before marriage nor go with anouther man, then you should know this is not a punshment but a test. one as difficult as it may be you now have to bear with patience or you will lose the rewards. part of being patience is to try and not let sadness overcome you to a point where it consumes you.
you really need to detach yourseld from your ex. you need to stop thinking what he is doing, where he is going. if he is happy/sad. if he is out or taking trips. hard as it may be, none of this is your concern anymore.if you have send divorce papers and he is refusing to sign, please dont take on this stress yourself and involve your parents or laywers to share the burden and speed this process, but i wouldnt let this dictate you from moving on with your life. when i say moving on i mean mentally to a place where u feel at peace with yourself and happy happy again.
sister, success is not defined by temporary matters such as money/buisness. allah can take these blessings away as quiclkly as he gives them. what you see as him being happy how do you not know this is his test from allah swt? all over the world we see good ppl suffer while ppl who do wrong are happy, yes its not fair, but allah is just, he has promised justice to us if we are loyal to him, we cannot question his will. why he is making us suffer and why he is giving our ex's happiness. allah punishes whom he wills and gives happiness ot whom he wills. we need to bear with patience and trust his plans for us.
why are you allowing this man to take such a control over your mind that its giving you such a mental toruture? xx
Sis he's been confronted, his family has been confronted, I've spoken to him, I've filed, my solicitors been involved - he's just odd. He says he's done or will do it but never does. He keeps manipulating. I feel like I'm being punished for all my sins by this one man.
Ameen to ur dua umme abdullah.
from what you have written all you can do now is step away from this situation. he keeps manipulating as you are giving him the chance. why listen to what he has to say? he is not a man of his word and cannot be trusted. its clear his family are on his side regardless of if he is right or wrong. let your solicitor deal with him. start mentally preparing yourself that this marriage is over and start to think about your future.
Salam Sister Bucks,
In my case, he was also determined to leave me but not proceeding with process even though I made him clear that if he wants that then he should proceed but he still used to drag it. I just left it, without even bothering if I am still in nikah with him or not. I tried to live as if it does not matter me anymore and he sent papers after 1 yr. Just sharing, may be this approach may help. But this is true, that final blow will detach you from him completely.
Are you still working? how is that going on? what are your activities apart from reviewing this website?
Believe it, this too shall pass and it will pass but as you said, memories do haunt but with time they will be less and less painful but I guess it will be with us forever because it is part of our life.
take care..
why did your husband prolong it if he wanted to divorce you, that's cruel.
right now I'm actually off work for ramamdhan, but I'm only working a few days I've cut down from the usual 50-60 hour week to only about 20 hours, I can't cope with more than that right now. I'm spending time with my family, learning tajweed and tafsir with my friends, but the majority of time I spemd at home by myself. I've started some therapy which isn't really helping so far but still early days. I'm stil waking up every morning thinking of him and missing him, just wondering how someone could be so cruel hearted. I'm just not happy but in trying to find some peace.
try and look at this from a third person perspective. if you were reading this post and you were to reply advice, what would you say. this man has clearly moved on, if he wanted to be with you, he would. the reasons why he is stalling, god only knows but you cant drive yourself crazy trying to figure out his motives.
Sister I have accepted that the marriage is finished. I'm trying to move on. It keeps bringing me down each time I have to deal with a set back because of him. If someone is so desperate to finish a marriage, why keep delaying things. What does he want from me. I can't fully move on and heal until everything is resolved.
I can understand how u feel i feel the same blow whenever i get a message tht its over or whatever from his side. It will keep happening till u just finish it. Personally, your husband has cheated and even if u get back with this man he sounds so arrogant that he might never change there is no point dragging this anymore. You should just take the plunge once n for all i would say set up a date and ask ur solicitor to make this divorce happen. You have been in this limbo for over a year sister. Time to find a new partner! U dont even have kids u shouldnt waste another minute on a man who hasnt guiven u ur rights for more than a year. Just go ahead or else u will be stuck forever. You need to gather strength and do it nobody will do it for you. If u still have hope tht it will work out and ure waiting because of tht i would say do an istakhara and then ask ur solicitor to talk to him if Allah wants this to happen He will turn around right? You just need to have blind faith in God honey.
I've already asked my solicitor to proceed. Allah knows best. I'm scared to be honest of which directions things are going to go. If it ends its scarey but now it's equally scarey if he comes back, even if he comes back and kisses my feet how do I trust him. It's a mess.
I've started reading a book called reclaim your heart by Yasmin Mogahed, it's a really good book and it's helping me put things into perspective. You should read it too.
Im pushing forward for divorce, the way my solicitor is dealing with it, I'm guessing things will proceed quite fast. But I'm actually scared and really panicked now. I really didn't want this divorce but I'm having to do it because of family pressure and the fact that he won't reconcile despite trying for so long. But i really don't want it, and I didn't want to be the one to be filing and pushing for it. I feel so sad. Surely I should feel at peace but I don't, I really don't.
i know you feel sad, of course you will you loved this man and wanted to try and make things better, you planned a life with him but he has not made any effort sister, and all you have done is try. if this man was decreed for you, all your efforts would not have gone in vain and as much as it hurts, marriage cannot be a one way. even if he changes his mind last minute, i dont feel you would ever live happy with him, too much has happened. it takes two to make it work. it seems your marriage was moslty you picking up pieces of his mess and a victim of him treating you badly. you cant expect to feal at peace all at once. it will be process. you will have good and bad days. some days you will feel ok and others you will want to cry your heart out. you will miss him. thats ok. let the pain leave you bit by bit. but sister it will leave you trust me. i have been through the worst two years and i thought i would never be able to forget yes it is a struggle for me but you know i trust allah, ive learned to never question his plan for me, alhamdulliah allah helps us when we go to him. marriage is a big part of anyones life and now the chapter is closing for you you are bound to feel emotional. there is nothing wrong and dont feel ashamed this is normal. but know you are making the right decesion. please dont punish urself thinking what if i had waited, he would have changed his mind. its clear he was never going to. you have given him more than enough time. love doesnt have room for hesitation. if you were meant to be with him, you would have been, its time to trust allah and let go of this man and contine the steps you are doing. im proud you have came this far and really hope some happiness comes your way. once he is out your life. iA it will open doors to what you truely deserve. we dont always get the love of our love i have learned this in the most hard and painfull way but i do believe when allah takes something away we do get something in return for our betterment wether we realise it or not.
chin up xx
My husband text me yesterday and said he never meant to hurt me, and wants what's best for me. That's all he said, and then said he will send me another message tonight. I asked him what he was going to send and he didn't reply. I'm so scared! It's sending me into a panic - what could he possibly want to say, I've heard of people being sent divorce texts and its scaring me, I don't want that at all! What should I do, should I block him, but then I'll never know. It would be completely out of character if he did anything like that but he's unpredictable.
So now he talks! Patience sister do not block or panic whatever happens will happen by the will of Allah. Do not go in panic mode that is a silly thing to say "i will text u at night" do not pay attention and say if its even important. I doubt it will be a divorce.
Any response?
No, he'll probably sending it around Iftar time when he's sitting doing nothing. I spoke to my mum too she told me to fear Allah, not my husband! He will send whatever he wants to but with Allahs will. Whatever he sends, it's not going to change my mind. He's hurtful, he's still hurting me in a sweet subtle way.
Thta is what i keep reminding myself Allah is the disposer of affairs and the One who decides. So we need to stop thinking about our husbands as the ultimate decision makers. And whatever Allah decides will be in our favour.
I would really recommend reading the book reclaim your heart by Yasmin mogahed, it's really helping to put things into perspective.
Hehe i read that book as soon as the problems started 🙂 it is beautiful 🙂
Salaam how are you holding up? Mine just msgd me a while ago that it is over and he will sending me the papers. I feel like i cant breathe. 🙁 he said sorry it didnt work wow. This is what i get after being loyal to him for all these years.
Ws, oh honey I'm so sorry to hear that, but please try to keep calm - you haven't received the papers just yet. But I know the feeling, I've been there. Turn to Allah, cry to Him and ask him to ease your pain. Sit with your parents and let them comfort you.
Sister, I know that my words won't provide you with any comfort right now, but Allah is the best of planners, He has control over everything and he has let this happen because this is what's best for you. We will never know what went through our husbands hearts and minds when treating us so unjustly but sister this is not the end of the world, Allah will provide justice and you will be happy again.
This is a blessing in disguise, see how your sister is suffering in that house, Allah swt has saved you from that. He has freed you to inshaAllah now heal and find someone better, who will love you and cherish you and treat you with respect, you deserve so much better.
Don't forget that when Allah swt closes one door He opens plenty more. I know this is not what you wanted or had planned, but we're travellers in this world, our ultimate goal is pleasing Allah swt, this is a test from Allah swt and He tests those who are closest to Him.
I pray with all my heart that Allah swt soothes your heart, and engulfs you in His mercy, that He lifts you up and grants you jannah as a reward for this trial that your facing. May He give you patience so that your able to attain the utmost reward from this situation and replace it with something that is a 100 times better. Ameen.
Sister,I can understand what you are going through. I know its tough after waiting for 2 yrs before marriage, planning to live together.. with so many ideas shared and when it actually happened, he behaving in this way causes a lot of heartache but I know you are very strong, you have been very strong so far, and you will be able to pass through this as well. Just take care of yourself, recite quran a lot , listen to Qiraat if you are feeling breathless or unable to sleep.
We all are with you. take care.
May Allah ease your pain and provide you with best in this world and here after.
It has been hard since he msgd i guess he is expecting a reply but i dont know what to say anymore. I have no words anymore. What does he want me to say now anyway. I tried as much as i could i have bcome weak now. I cannot fight this anymore i just want peace in my life.
hi sister bucks, how are you holding up. what was his reply that he wanted to for you to wait? is he hoping for a reconciliation?
No not at all, he didn't send a message and when he did it was general chit chat - just really degrading and now he's ignoring me because I'm saying I want to end things in the proper manner.
It seems he wants the best of both worlds. he doesn't want to have the responsibility of marriage yet he still wants to leave the door opened for when he wants to walk in a out of your life and doesn't want to fully let you go or let you move on.
To be honest sister twakkul a part of me is thinking he was too proud to say he missed you, and he wanted to somehow communicate with you but didn't want to come across as weak, and that's why he sent you the message that he did. If it's true and he meant it then Allah swt will
Make things easy for you, if it's not true then that really says a lot about his character. Either way, silence is the key. I really really reallllly wish I'd used silence as a tool - but I'm advising u to use it, as hard as to is, stay silent and continue in prayer.
Sister, everytime he has a new statement last month it was tht he wants to send back my things this month it is that he has talked to lawyer and doesnt want to wait anymore and will send papers. Sister a part of me dies everytime inside i couldnt sleep ive been feeling nauseated all day. How can a person be so cruel? And selfish? I would never do this to anyone.
My husband did the same to me Hun. It's been six months since I sent the divorce papers after he threatened for a year and he's still sitting doing nothing. There's no nice way to say this except that their not real men! Their weak and cowardly! Next time he threatens say ok and hang up! I doubt very much he will do anything if he does then good, at least u can move on, if he doesn't - you really need to make up your own mind, and act accordingly. If you really want to reconcile you need to take yourself back to your husbands house rather than sitting wondering miles away from him. the decision is your sister. Read my story and learn lessons from it, don't repeat my mistakes.
Ps the reason why he's being cruel is because he's also fighting a battle within himself. Regardless of how he seems outwardly it's not easy for him either. If you had done something for which you deserved a divorce do you really think he would wait this long playing games? No, he wouldn't. This delay, this cruelty is Because he's fighting his own nafs. He's hurting his own soul. He knows that this divorce is a result of his selfish desires and doesn't have much to do with you, but he needs to somehow justify it, and overcome his guilt and make himself feel better. He's just not mature and reaponsible enough to do what any normal person would do and try to salvage his marriage. His behaviour is a deeper reflection of what's going on inside him, it has nothing to do with you.
But i dont get it i know people have different personalities but wouldnt a normal person see this as an indication that maybe i should give it a try. I mean for me, if it was THIS difficult for me to divorce my spouse i would sit down and make myself face the hard truth tht divorce is not the answer here and no matter how much i dislike it i would give the marriage a chance not for myself, or him but for the sake of doing the RIGHT thing.
I mean I dont know I could never do this to someone. Maybe men are different. But how can someone be so selfish? Maybe in his mind divorce is the "hard but right thing to do. He is so convinced. I cannot convince him otherwise. We are again at the same point where we were a month ago . Also, ive seen he wants to control the communication. He doesnt like it if i have the control but wenever he speaks he only speaks the same so what is the use of communication anyway
Sis because his mindset is different to yours. In his mind the right thing to do no matter how difficult it is, is divorce. A man does not just book his wife's plane ticket, take her to the airport probably and send her back to her parents house on the spur of the moment, it's not like telling your wife to leave so that she goes to her parents house down the road, he asked you to leave the country, all of this requires some level of thought and time.
I know this isn't what you want to hear honey but he's finding things difficult only because he feels guilty. He knows deep down that he's wrong, but not because he wants to save the marriage.
Don't bother to communicate with him. Believe me Hun I've been there, it's hard not to because you want to make him understand that what he is doing is wrong, but it won't make a difference, not right now because he's not in the right frame of mind. Leave him be. The more you chase him the more it'll confirm to him that he's made the right decision, he'll lose value for you. He expects you to cry and chase him and beg him to change his mind. Perhaps if you fail to respond, it will force him to re think his decision. And if it doesn't then at least you will be leaving with your dignity intact.
I know this is hard, and no level of advice or words will ease the pain, only time and Allah will help you fill that void. It's a special night tonight, spend it crying to Allah, make dua to Him. Whatever complaints you have with your husband tell them to Allah, ask Allah to help you, cry to Allah not your husband.
May Allah swt lift you up from this, and wrap you in His mercy. Ameen.
Watch this if you get the chance: http://youtu.be/Jne_6Q-KKb0
Also in my case what gives me Comfort is knowing that my husband isn't following the Islamic guidelines for divorce. It's clearly written in the Quran, and despite knowing the guidelines he is choosing to ignore it. So I have hope that Allah will give me justice and reward me with something better. And that my husband and his family will be questioned. Leave him to Allah, let Allah swt take justice for you.
Sister, mine is saying to me that it has been so long i dont want to wait more as if its my fault. You are right his guilt is making him drag it now he is being v nice saying that i wish u the best and i have made my decision i knw u will not change but it is good if u have realized. Sister, should i just ignore this also? I mean yesterday again i tried to convicne him and he said i have made my decision i wish u good luck.
I told him a month ago to go ahead with watever he wants infact even earlier to that i told him he can do whatever he wants. Now i havent talked to him for a month still he is on the same path but now he says he is doing the process so lets see. 🙁
It's hard to tell what he's really thinking or doing. He could just be messing with your head. Communicate with him if you feel it's right but you shouldn't beg him or chase after him Because it'll make him think he's doing the right thing and that your desperate. Have your parents spoken to him recently - it's unlikely he will mess with them, so perhaps get the elders involved for confirmation?
I know you both live in different countries but perhaps ask to speak over Skype so you can see each other - even if it's just for closure.
Sister yesterday i did try to communicate with him i didnt be very needy but i told him that things are easily solved our problems are very smalland i told him all how this ican be solved to that he said no people dont change and i have made up my mind. No we have stopped communicating because last time we did it wasnt very good experience. My father talked to him. I dont feel like wanting closure becuse the odd thng here is even if this happens God forbid we will still be in each others lives through sister. Sister wenever i tLk to him he gives me a closed door its like he slams the door on my face.
Salaam sister,
I wish there was something I could do or say to ease your pain. I have been keeping you in my prayers.
The best advice I can give to you is to take each day as it comes. Speaking from experience no amount of talking to him/convincing him will make a difference, right now he's not interested. If he was, he wouldn't be talking about sending your things back or sending papers. In his mind it's over, but only Allah swt knows what the future holds. I know it's difficult and I feel your pain, but as an outsider it seems that it's only you in this marriage, you need to let go now as well.
Turn to Allah swt, and ask Him to make things easy for you, ask Him to guide your husband. Talk to Allah at tahajjud time and pour your heart out to Him. If it's meant to be, nothing and no one in this world will be able to break your marriage, if it's not meant to be no amount of pleading to your husband will change anything. You seem strong, much stronger than me, use this strength to turn to Allah in order to heal your heart.
With regards to things being awkward in the future, don't worry about the future just yet. Focus on the present. You both live in different countries so you will rarely meet anyway, but on the odd occasion that you do, then inshaAllah you would have moved on and things won't be so hard anymore.
Stop allowing him to slam the door in your face, let him have his space. Even if you don't sound needy when you speak to him, the mere fact that your speaking to him will let him know that your still trying to convince him, that he has control over you. If it's meant to be it will work out, if not, Allah swt will open more doors for you.
I know this is easier said than done, but remain patient, things will get better with or without you husband.
tawakul, he has dragged it out for this long, by this point, weather he feels guilt or no guilt, you dont need to worry yourself with his reasons or how he feels when he is not considering your feelings. he doesnt seem like a person to be trusted from his past behaviour and how he has handled this situaton, and so far, all he has done is push you away and look for reasons to end the marriage and made no attempts to save your marriage. if he was feeling guilty and was truely remoursefull he wouldnt be selfish and keep u in this limbo, he would think of how his actions are affecting you and either walk away completely end things islamically or try and work with you when you are reaching out to him. maby him letting you go is his way of freeing you from all the pain he has caused. i wouldnt beg or try to convince him if he is clearly saying to you i have made up my mind.
"no people dont change and i have made up my mind." if he thinks you cannot change to make your marriage work, how can you think he will change for the better a second time round? the fact you are saying it feels like he is slamming a door in your face, i wouldnt try force the situation for him to change his mind. when allah closes one door he open anouther but sometimes we stare at the closed door for so long thats all you see. this is something i read somewhere and its true. maby its a sign that you need to stop puttling so much time,energy and focus trying to open the door and get bak the ghost of your husband and memories you had but rather walk away from this man and create a fresh start with all the painfull lessons learned. allah is saving you from years of misery.
Yes it seems like he is so convinced that nothing in this world can change his frame of mind. He sent that message yesterday and i have to admit yesterday was a really bad day but today was better Alhamdulillah. The pain is not as intense as it was in the beginning. My body is becoming used to this stress. But my mother keeps saying that my health deteriorates as soon as i hear from him. Alhamdulillah we have families who support us so much. Most of all, all this has made me realize how only our bond with Allah swt matters. And how one can only rely on Allah and noone else. Everybody says to me now that i shouldnt have given him chances in the past but I do not regret any of that. After all, who could be so heartless as to not give a person a chance to change? Sister bucks, you are absolutely right if it is meant to be, it will be inshaAllah. God afterall, is the disposer of affairs.
I just dont understand how even after two months he is still tellng me that he is sorry and he wants to end it when two months ago i asked him to do whatever he wills. And now apparently the drag is my fault too somehow? I never asked him to drag it. In his mind, he is the victim he has suffered all these months. What about my suffering? Allah swt is the best judge I leave my case to Allah swt , who is the Best judge.
I can do nothing anymore my self respect and the woman inside me who fears for her future doesnt let me beg him anymore. I have always wanted a healthy married life. I love kids i love to love people!! Everyone who meets me says i am the most easy going person ever. I always try to make things easier for ppl not harder. But here i am, feeling like all that is maybe false and if i am that easy going why did my husband didnt get along the one person who mattered to me the most.
God knows what is best. Sister bucks, i have sincerely prayed for you today and sister muslim girl i hope whatever difficult time u are facing if any may Allah swt ease everything for you ameen.
I dont know if i will feel the same way after ramadan or not but i just dont know why we take dunya so swriously when our main goal is to please and worship Allah. Whatever event, big or small in the end we do get over it somehow. SubhanAllah! He is Al Waliyyu our biggest and most protecting friend. Through this difficult time I have realized this friendship and there is nothing more precious than that.
In the end, whatever is meant to be, will be inshaAllah. And Allah will take care of everyone.
Jzk for the prayers am in need, just trying to be strong.
I'm glad your feeling better. Don't worry about your husband blaming you, he will say and do whatever he needs to to justify his actions. He will manipulate things to his benefit. No need to dwell on it. He was just too coward to do things properly. The way I see it, if you get married with respect and planning the divorce should take place in the same manner, that's what the Quran highlights too - you PLAN the divorce it doesn't just happen when you want it to. Theirs a wisdom behind the instructions in the Quran, if only we would all follow it properly, it wouldn't cause so much hurt and confusion.
May Allah swt guide us all and have mercy on us, Ameen.
sister bucks, im thinking of going back and giving it a try? i mean he isnt doing anything and i need a decision. i dont have the guts to end this marriage myself.
I just saw your post. Go for it !!! If you think giving your marriage a second chance is the way forward both of you sitting miles apart won't help. Let me know how things work out
Sister i went back i told him i really wanted to save the marriage and could not give up he warned me if i come back he will divorce me but i had nowhere else to go i went and he divorced me three times.
Pls can I ask everyone to make a sincere dua for me, to make things easier. My husband went through the same cycle of getting my hopes up and then crashing, this time he was very cruel. My aim with the communication this time was to help things end amicably but clearly he couldn't care less. He abused me over the phone and then hung up. It felt so final, but it usually does, but this time it seems as though he meant it. I'm waiting for him to send the papers, each time ive asked him why he hasn't his response is always that he signed them ages ago and that I should have received them - lies. I just need duas to be strong enough to go through with the next step inshaAllah.
May Allah (swt) make things easy for you and give you courage and patience to survive this period of life. Is there no way that you can approach authorities and make things end. If you are going to wait for him to respond then I fear that this will never end. You tried to end things amicably many times and saw his response. Now be a little aggressive. Take care
I've given him this week, because I put my dad on the phone this time when he was screaming at me. So if he has any self respect he'll do it. Otherwise I'll know he is just wasting my time, which I guess I already know anyway.
dear sister bucks,
May allah give you sabr and strength to pass this difficult time. i know you said your aim with communication was to end things amicably, but i dont see why you would even want to after how he has treated you. sometimes i guess its better to step away from the situation completely and cut all contact to protect yourself even if you were pushing him for divorce papers. let a third person (lawyers/male family member deal with him so as you have no contact) the sooner you do this the sooner u can start to heal. he has treated you very badly, and for him to give you hope, even if he was to change his mind, to much has been done for him to even deserve a second chance. hope can only be there if you want a reconcillaition and are hoping he may change, but i doubt he ever will hes had the past year to cahnge.
may allah guide you through this and IA you will find a man who will treat you the way you deserve.
May Allah swt bring you out of this suffering soon enough. Because trust me there is another sufferong after this. Grieving. Evry good memory tht uve had of ur husband will haunt you. But you will know that this is final goodbye.
Salaam guys, sorry to be posting on here again. It's just over the last few weeks I feel so down. I'm at wits end.
I'm praying, socialising, counselling, and even going for job interviews for jobs abroad so I can move away and meet new people for a year or so. I've started exercising etc so I can get back on track with my body but I just feel so down. My head is constantly in pain, I'm tired and anxious, I feel nauseous. I miss my husband more than anything despite letting go. What else can I do to get rid of this negativity - I'm so tired of all this, I just feel as though I will never recover from this, I'mjust not me anymore. Before the marriage I remember laughing from the heart, and actually getting told off for laughing so much and being carefree, I'm just so miserable now, it suffocates me.
Dear Sister Bucks,
I have just one suggestion , it is actually my own realization from my own sufferings, do not try to forget him. Yes, when we try hard to forget or be happy, we become more depressed.
As time passes by, pain will be less but it will be like this for few months.. so don't try to remember either his good or bad memories.
take care.
Sis, it wouldn't be so difficult but I get the feeling that he's talking to another woman, possibly women - and it's killing me. If I knew that he was grieving like I am, it would make the pain bearable but I know he's not , and that feels like salt over my wounds.
Salam, I probably shouldn't be writing on here after such a long time but I'm just so panicked and depressed m.
The paperwork for the divorce is in process. As far as I'm aware he hasn't signed the papers yet but has got his solicitor involved and he himself has stopped any communication with me. But the last conversation with him was such a horrible one. He was quite degrading towards me for no reason, and shouted at me, until my dad stepped in and he calmed down instantly. He again told my family he had signed the papers ages ago which clearly wasn't the truth.
Anyway there has been no contact since then and he is removing me from his social media and setting up Facebook accounts to say he is looking for love and currently in a complicated relationship!
I haven't slept since that conversation. I wake up feeling guilty. I keep remembering all the mistakes I've made. Like the arguments , the moments of anger, the negativity. If only I had stayed patient. He made mistakes but I should've have been more patient - but I was young and slightly immature so didn't handle things well. If I got married now I would do things a lot differently.
But this guilt is making me panic, I feel like I destroyed my marriage. I've apologised numerous times but he just doesn't like me, he hates me, and his decision seems very solid this time, it's almost as though he's either met someone else or trying to meet someone new. So now it's easier for him to dump me.
I'm losing my mind and I'm so frustrated, I hate eveyone and everything. I look and feel ugly. I feel distant from God and helpless. I find my family annoying and don't have much of a relationship with them anymore -'just a superficial one.
This divorce is going to finish me, I'm finding it very difficult and don't think I'm going to recover from it. I don't want to end up alone which is what I see happening.
Salaam aleikum sister Bucks,
I can see that you're really still struggling. It's very hard to read your words because I can't understand why you are still in this torment.
The source of your pain has been removed. But now you are torturing yourself. We were created to worship Allah swt alone associating no partners with him. That is our purpose and we can do this through every activity in life: being thankful to Him, taking care of our relationships to please Him, being good to our parents as He swt Commanded. Many people in this life chose to worship other things- some of us chose to worship another human being. This means that THAT human being is made the centre of your world. Their happiness is your happiness, their downfall is your downfall. If they are with you you are at the top if they are taken away you are lost. They seem so perfect and infallible. You fear them, revere them, adore them and are hooked on them no matter what they do. They are IT. This is tragedy. This is what will destroy you if you don't see t for what it is and abonden it and turn to Allah Alone. Only Allab swt can centre your life, everyone else and everything else is in the periphery- and they can come and go, they can challenge you, they can disappoint and hurt but they don't take your focus away from Allah swt.
You are worshipping a man. You think that had this worked out I would have been happy. Had I not done CUH and such he would have been an angel to me. But all these thoughts are false. These thoughts are perpetuating a fantasy that is just that, it does not exist. You may not see it like that but your symptoms and your behaviour is of a person who is completely addicted to something. People live beyond a divorce.
You need to find a way out of this vicious circle. He was never good for your life. He was a test- he was given to you by Allah swt. And in His Infinite Wisdom He took that gift away. There are lessons to learn here. Allah swt Does not want us to suffer but Wants good for us. Your ex is gone because in order for you to have good. You most likely, like me, had a propensity of attaching to a human being and revering them because you ' were in love' and he was the one- the husband. Aso you met your husband and you attached yourself to him so much so that you couldn't distinguish what's right or wrong any longer. So much so that his happiness, well being and contentment were much more important than yours. You chose him above yourself every single time. And yet that gift had been taken away and the test is ongoing. Allah swt Wants a balanced life for us, a good life on Islam. I think your test is to recognise how you have left all else and placed a human being in your heart as an object of worship. I think you need to go back to Allab swt and your struggle is in how you will do that and whether you will persist until you make it.
You're not alone though you think you are. You are just not ready to recognise the Power Allah swt Has over your life as Your Maker, Your Creator, Your Sustainer, Your Protector, Your Forgiver, Your Lord. You haven't realised yet that nothing is comparable to Him and no human will ever ever give you anything that will surpass Allah swt Power and Might. Nothing bad will happen to you unless by His Will and nothing good will Come your way unless by His Will. But you are still hooked on the creation instead of the Creator.
I'm still detoxing from my own mistakes. I don't blame my ex for anything. Everything he did was due to his personality, his choice, his action. It had nothing to do with me. He was like that before we married. He was a man who was fully capable of leaving his wife heartbroken and lost. He was fully capable of a lot of bad behaviours and lack of sincerity and manner. So I don't blame him. I don't blame myself either. I realise I was in a really bad place when I took the decision to accept his proposal. I was in a really bad place when I saw him playing with my feelings and disrespecting my family before the marriage but I went right ahead. No one could have stopped me marrying him, no human being. I was hooked. I had low self confidence and I thought a human being could make me happy and fulfilled. It never happened! Every moment I had with him was anxiety filled, game playing and tormented tense arguments.
My recovery had to focus on me. How to unhook myself from a toxic human being and how to go back to being the person I was meant to be. And Allhamdulillah I feel I've done ok so far and I'm still working at it. One thing I am absolutely certain of is that I would never have remained with him. He was so different from everything I wanted from a husband. He was so strange to my own self that I don't understand how I managed to spend 5 min without walking away being perplexed by how odd he was. Certain people go together and God Knows we were not the ones. But the test is what I value and although it was so so hard and it still catches me on some days I honestly would not have had it any other way. This was me, I was not who I needed to be and now I feel I'm moving towards that.
What you're going through is not because of your ex- it's because you need to learn about yourself. You need to question why you feel so hopeless, why you put yourself down, why you torture yourself with things that have passed. You need to find God again in your life and take your time doing so. Stop worrying about the past- it has gone. Stop concerning yourself with the future you don't know what lies ahead. Deal with what you are going through- and find someone to talk to. Find a kind friend or a counsellor who can listen to you and let you reflect. I'd also advice you to go away, make umrah. Your heart is broken and it is because you placed the wrong things inside of it. It happens to all of us at some point in life. But you have to take ownership and find ways to concentrate on you.
Stop following him on social media. The thing that you will realise once you've healed is how insignificant he is but you have chosen to put such importance on him. Don't measure your self worth, your life and your status as a muslimab through his eyes. Measure them by Allah swt.
I promise you many people including myself have gone through what you are going through. I know there is a way out and you can be happier than you were with him. Some people area tests or you in life, they're not to remain in it. Your souls don't fit. Just like friends who you don't remain friends with or people you know you instantly worn get along with. There is another person, other people, more fitted for you.
And lastly if you don't look after your self, your soul and your heart and seek Allah seton that no one else will. You have to prioritise yourself and your life.
I leave you with the below and I hope to read more positive news from you and your recovery and new life in the future.
There is a hadeeh that really helped me realise something:
It is narrated from Abu Huraira (radhiallahu `anhu) that the Messenger of Allah (sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam said, “Souls are like recruited soldiers, those that recognise one another unite in harmony and those that do not recognise one another are at an aversion.” [Sahih Muslim]
Abu Hatim: The reason that people find concordancy and harmony between themselves – after the Decree – lies in the recognition of two souls. And likewise, their discord and seperation lies in the aversion of the two souls. Hence if two souls recognise each other, they will find familiarity and affection between themselves and if there is aversion between the two souls they will in turn find aversion and seperation between their beings.
Also this saying by ibn Al Qayyim:
Advice from the great scholar Imam Ibn al-Qayyim (rahimahullah):
A friend will not (literally) share your struggles, and a loved one cannot physically take away your pain, and a close one will not stay up the night on your behalf. So look after yourself, protect yourself, nurture yourself and don't give life's events more than what they are really worth. Know for certain that when you break no one will heal you except you, and when you are defeated no one will give you victory except your determination. Your ability to stand up again and carry on is your responsibility. Do not look for your self worth in the eyes of people; look for your worth from within your conscience. If your conscience is at peace then you will ascend high and if you truly know yourself then what is said about you won't harm you.
Do not carry the worries of this life because this is for Allah. And do not carry the worries of sustenance because it is from Allah. And do not carry the anxiety for the future because it is in the Hands of Allah.
Carry one thing: How to Please Allah. Because if you please Him, He Pleases you, fulfils you and enriches you.
Do not weep from a life that made your heart weep. Just say, "Oh Allah compensate me with good in this life and the hereafter."
Sadness departs with a Sajdah. Happiness comes with a sincere Du'a. Allah Does Not forget the good you do. nor Does He Forget the good you did to others and the pain you relieved them from. Nor Will He Forget the eye which was about to cry but you made it laugh.
Live your life with this principle: Be good even if you don't receive good, not because for other's sake but because Allah Loves those who do good.
Sallam Alaikum sisters - Thank you hopefulsis for writing such a beautiful message. I truly enjoyed reading it.
Buck , am new here I tried to read from your first message to try and understand your situation. Divorce is a very confusing and painful for many reasons, its a loss of many things all at once(loss of dreams,hopes,loss of your spouse,maybe house ,financial support, emotional, physical) most people say going through divorce is like having your leg amputated, it also equals to the pain people go through when they loose their spouse through death.
I understand your pain as am in also going through divorce, am not sure am the right person to give you good sound advise as I have made many errors during this emotional time. Based on my blunders and experience I suggest :
- To cut all contacts and communication with your ex , this is maybe the most difficult part to digest, this approach is called 'no contact' it is ment to help you recover and heal your soul. Please block him on whatsapp and facebook , delete his number from your phone. This is also hard but believe me you will do your self a favour in the end, do not stalk him on social media. This will just you drive you insane everytime you see new photos or read his status. Your ex husband cut communication with you because his trying to move on, it doesn't mean he has stopped loving you, or that he has forgotten you. Most people just prefer to cut ties with their ex so that they can start the process of healing. 🙂 start no contact today.
- Let this experience grow you, try not to talk negatively about yourself, your life is not destroyed, your not ugly nor are you evil, start talking positively about yourself. I call this self affirmation. ' I am beautiful' ' I am wonderful' ' I am loved' 'Allah loves me' every day look in the mirror and talk positively about yourself. Its his loss that he lost you because most men don't know what they have until its gone.lol I know my ex will miss my samosas lol. So let him be out there, let him be, let him meet other women -so that he can miss you! I am sure you have a lot of amazing traits, give him the space to miss you, if you keep writing and writing, you will degrade yourself only. Go completely SILENT. let him just hear how amazing your doing. Love yourself, go fix your hair, get a new outfit, start zumba classes, if you must paint your room do so! this is your opportunity to grow. Focus on you, and slowly someone right for you will show up.in the last ten days I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started pushing myself harder - I go jogging every morning now, i am applying for graduate studies,i painted my house. Just taking baby steps to recovery and am keeping busy
- The best CURE for heartbreak is feeling your soul with the love of Allah (please watch youtube videos by sister Yasmin mogahed 'healing a broken heart' to be honest this helped me a lot.
Let your pain bring you closer to Allah, focus on yourself and on your faith. Like you there are times I don't know how to move on, but I told myself no man deserves to ruin my peace, in the name of Allah I will FLOURISH AND SUCCEED AND GROW I wish I had away to contact you! sister, we are with you, don't give up on yourself, stand up, and keep moving to your destiny. Don't forget to forgive yourself and him.
I forgot to add , please watch a lot of Islamic videos on youtube they will really help, many cover what your going through - depression,sadness,heartbreak, loss,
you can download muslim central app on your phone - I listen to it every night on my bed:
-muslim central
-Islamic reminder
-IloveuAllah
-sister Yasmin Mogahed
-mufti menk
-Nouman Ali khan
I am completely addicted to the videos, walahy, they have really helped me. I listen to it when am walking, sleeping, when am cooking and cleaning,in the bus,in the park. Bucks, they will really help you too.
Salam sisters , Jzk for ur advice, it's so inspiring to hear how strong you guys are, I am going to try to be strong, to be honest I have been trying but deep down I'm breaking because I miss him so much.
Alhamdulillah Allah has blessed me in so many other aspects of life, I'm progressing fast but I miss my husband a lot, and it hurts me that with each achievement I make he's not there to feel happy with me - all of what I'm achieving now was meant to be with him. I have recently been offered a job abroad, again this was something we were both supposed to be doing together - a bit of travel before any children came along, but now I'm doing it alone. And it's not that I'm not independent, I am, but I wanted my husband there too, just like we had planned. Each step I take forward, everywhere I go, brings a memory or feeling with it, which reminds me of him. All my regular places to relax, go for coffee, for prayers - every single one bring his image into my mind because we would go together.
Each day I realise that I honestly haven't made any huge errors yet he still somehow sees the negativity in me, same as his family and then that brings me down and makes me re-analyse everything. Makes me question myself. Any little thing I said or did, it comes back to me and I start panicking that it led to the destruction of my marriage. I wake up most nights in a panic about the stuff I said or did, and It makes me feel unwell and exhausted, an I keep trying to find a solution. Literally the biggest mistake I made was arguing - it was out of character for me, I was adjusting to the marriage, to him, to his lies etc and I ended up feeling miserable and angry most of the time. When I sit and think now I realise how awful that must've looked, I'm not argumentative at home, but I was in my marriage and that kills me, because I know that if I got a second chance I would handle things very differently. But I feel helpless knowing that he doesn't think this way, for him, it's ok to focus on my flaws because it helps him find a reason to end the marriage. Why can't I do this, why can't I feel angry towards him and see his flaws, my brain automatically forgives him and focusses on his good traits.
I'm also surrounded by family and friends who are married and having babies, some who got married after me are having babies and moving forward as a family and I'm happy for them, but I feel so lonely.
I'm praying, but that connection is just not there, it broke somewhere and I'm finding it so hard to reconnect with Allah swt. I miss my connection with Allah, it was strong before the marriage, I remember feeling at peace in prayer, i remember performing hajj and umrah and feeling content , but now I feel suffocated. It's gotten so bad that I keep considering turning to people who do taweez etc to see if that will bring my husband back - anything to take this pain away, but Alhamdulillah my conscience won't let me and although it's at the back of my mind I'm managing to suppress it.
I'm just living a double life at the moment , and I wonder if I will ever recover. Im not sure why I feel so weak, it's not the norm for me to feel so attached to someone - I let go and move on quite quickly. This is suffocating how I feel towards my husband but I can't help it. What's also equally frustrating is that For some strange reason I miss my mother in law! I see my own mother with my sis in laws and it reminds me of the relationship I could have had with my mother in law. I tried with her but she wanted me gone. I keep suppressing the urge to call her and make her see that I'm not who she thinks I am, that I did try to build a relationship with her but she made it difficult, that I loved her son.
I feel hollow inside, outwardly I'm coming across as level headed, strong, capable, and strong imaan but inwardly I'm completely empty.
I'm going to try to struggle on, and try to change things, let's see what the next few months will bring. I will hopefully give a positive update next time even if it takes me years. I'm just so lost and miserable.
Also sister I too have been listening to slot of YouTube videos some more than once, they help momentarily - everything helps temporarily but then as soon as I'm back at home by myself the cycle restarts.
Bucks,
Thanks for sharing, the death of marriage should be mourned, it is a big loss. The grieving process has many stages, from denial to anger to depression, and you will move back and forth on this stages.
This is normal so don't be hard on yourself, each one of us mourn differently, and there is no time frame for recovering. I used to find it upsetting when people tell me to 'just move on' it used to make me angry as I felt they didn't understand. You cant have a deadline for healing...its a process that takes time, let nature takes its course. the first five months were extremely hard on me to be honest, I hardly left my bed I lost weight didn't eat,cried a lot. I felt I was going insane. I didn't even pray during this, I was angry and bitter.
Its very normal that your will missing your ex, and the loss of your shared dreams. most times after a while we always tend to put our ex on a pedestal, we gloss our past and we tend to remember the good times only.
My advise is to remember what used to annoy you about your ex, every time he pops in your head try to remember something awful he did to you, believe me this works like magic. Remember all the ugly side of your marriage, then ask yourself ' do I want that back' infact write down in a notebook all his negative traits and keep that with you, read it out every time you remember him. Try to stop going to the same places he goes to or you used to go to - find a new coffee shop, go shopping elsewhere, go to other restaurants... this will help.
Grieving cant be hurried, there is no time table for grieving. its a gradual process, i suggest just continue with your life and let the pain pass through , i only started feeling abit better after one yr. Give yourself time. I suggest you go for counselling, you really need to talk to someone or get a close friend you can be calling and talking to. You really need to get it out of your chest.
Another way of forgetting him is to get involved in a new relationship . A new man , new marriage will help to forget previous bad experience . .Just she needs to start looking for it from here onward .
Salam, I can't believe I'm back on here I really don't want to be. It's been such a long time since all of this mess started with my marriage. I thought I was moving on, and I'd started looking at other potential proposals (divorce is being dealt with by lawyers) just figured after two years of separation nows a good time to start searching, but every time I come across someone who is decent I panic. I feel physically sick at the thought of letting any man in my life let alone marry them. I miss my husband so much it's unbelievable. I desperately want to move on and start a family, I see everyone around me happily married with babies, and i really want that, but I can't take that step I'm really struggling. I really wish I'd never married in the first place, I love my husband/ex so much, I can't develop feelings for anyone else, yet I'm so desperate to move on because I'm not getting any younger.
I feel like my life is completely ruined, I just can't see a way out of this, I want my husband back and those feelings despite how hard I try, no matter how busy I keep myself and remind myself of his negative traits, they just won't fade, in fact they're becoming stronger. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, and wish that my marriage was back to normal. I'm so scared of the thought of him moving on with someone whilst I'm still stuck in this rut.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared of the way I'm feeling and what's going to end up happening to me. If anything, I'm trying to push forward for my parents sake, but I just can't.
If anything please make du'a for my happiness and contentment, I'm really in need.
Sister ,
You need to take help of some professional counselor to come out of this situation . Once you get involved with new husband and new family you will forget all your past negative experience .
Just you need to be positive to move on in life .Are you working ? then i think you can have some targets everyday to be busy enough and not get any negative thoughts . Identify what int rests you more and get involved more in that to flash all bad memories . May Allah help you .
reading your posts almost always feels like you are writting exaclty how i feel. trust me when i say i know how you are feeling. when you love somone, its always hard to let go, and to imagine a life without that person seems unbearable. i know nothing will bring you comfort but it is true, time does heal. i never understood this phrase but trust me it does get easier. you never forget but eventually it doesnt become as painfull, as difficult. you dont need to force yourself, or just because a certain time frame has passed, feel that you have to start searching for a spouse just becuase u r getting older if you dont feel 100% ready. it wouldnt be fair on your new partner if your heart was still with your ex. its natural to miss your ex husband, he was a big part of your life. you say you wish you had never got married, even thought the outcome of this marriage hasnt been what you had imagined, it has bought you closer to allah, that in itself is a blessing,you have learned about yourself. if this man loved you and wanted to be with you, he would be by your side working this out and he isnt. the only thing stopping you from moving on is your way of thing " i cant move on" "my life is ruined". you can move. you life isnt ruined, in fact the opposite.
you may want your husband back, but unfortuanly we dont always get what we want. you have to accept, he is not your husband anymore. he is out of your life and theres no going back. his decision has been made. its normal to think of him but you cant dwell on thoughts of him. focus on your prayers, cooking, job, family, friends...do the things which make you happy. learn to live and appreciate life without him being the centre of your world and thoughts. it is painfull to imagine him with somone else, but as hard as it is, hes made it clear he doesnt want to be with you so that will be the next phase of his life - moving on without you in it.
your focus shouldnt be him, what hes doing, how he is feeling, that he will move on, but should be you. focus on healing yourself, you moving on without him, and become a happier person. its never easy trust me i know, two years on, i still have bad days, but its made me realise ultimately we are not in control of our life, allah swt is, and no matter how hard we try and want something, if allah in his wisdom knows its not good for us and its not destined for us, it will never come our way, so us wasting time, energy feeling sad for something that never belonged to us in the first place is pointless. rather we should be thankfull for all the blessings we do have, and not wasting our lives on someone who has no care, respect or regard for us.
we are always here if you need somone to talk, but know this, this man isnt worth you time, thoughts or tears. its the last month of this year, make this the month you start to cleanse this man out of your life, your thoughts. let this be a fresh start for you, where thoughts of him will be secondary. allow yourslef to let go of the memories and pain. this man has consumed your life negatively for two years, dont let the next year be spent this way. dont focus on moving on, focus on yourself and with time you WILL feel ready to move on naturally. trust allahs plan. dont despair.
iA i will be going to perform umrah next month and i will keep you in my duas. IA you will find someone much much better than what your husband put you through, if nothign else i have full faith in allahs words, and no bad goes unpunished and no good goes unrewarded. have patience and he shall be with you xxx
MuslimGirl88 ,
I read your story .Nice to know you have recovered from bad boyfriend experience . Did you quit the job to solve it ?
Salam. I never knew what the feelings are when one divorces till I went through it myself. The truth is, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage and sometimes it's just better to compromise. The worst is when you find love but end up losing it. I could say it will be OK, but I would be lying. I am still coping with it and it's been six months since my divorce happened. May Allah make it easy for all
Salaam sister I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. And it's ok to ask questions if things are not going well in relationship or things that need answering. From what you have written it seems like you are not at fault although your spouse may make it seem this way. But all fingers point back to your spouse. It seems like he doesnt want you in his life anymore as he's following what you have described. He clearly stated he wants a divorce. If you think giving one last chance to improve things between yourselves wont do any good than you shouldn't linger on for too long and seek divorce. Don't be depressed. Seek Allah's guidance as Allah never leaves his slaves when they seek him. In sha Allah you will find someone who can give you more love and support. Ameen
Aoa..
m new to this site...read most of the coments..my case is not the new one...after 12 years of married life i felt we should apart so against his will i filed divorce case left my home..even my parents didn't know about it...i hid myself..i hv two kids...my husband is pious man..just he has no urge for doing extra things to make our lives financially better...i always used to convince him...but dont know y i decided to case a file..when he n his family got notice from court..he was like dead..he is like one woman man..he never thought of anyone else ..just our problem was lack of understandings n i always feel myself superior than him physically n in other aspects..he is simple man..but he waa actually failed to give me proper home wd full comforts...and even he didn't show any urge or desire fr separate or our own home...
so all these things were on my nerves..i used to stay away from him...but the fact is he still loves me....
but in that phase after filing case that i could not live without him...i used to misss him on every single minute....
when i looked towards my kids uffff i just lost n lost...
so finally i have decided to take my case back...but still somehow m confused n depressed...but i know that with my efforts i could be able to make it best...but prblm is i have mood swings..i used to have therapy n sessions for that...but the fact is m not sure that if i withdraw my case of khula..in coming life i woyod regret or not...