Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Depression is coming back.

Depressed girl heartbroken distressed

Assalamy Aleikum my fellow brothers and sisters!

I´am a 20 year old muslim girl that has quite a few regrets.

For about 2-3 years ago I committed a sin that has haunted me til this very day. I have always been religious. Praying, fasting and trying to do as many good deeds as possible. This changed the day I met a guy. If I remember correctly I had just turned 17 when I met him and ended up having a 8 month relationship with him. He was also a muslim. We committed zina. He also made me try alcohol and smoking.

After these 8 months I started regretting and feeling very bad for what I had done. The next thing I did was break up with him. In this period I was trying to go back to the "old" good me. I was trying to start pray again and let go off all the bad habits I got from him. It was very hard because I was constantly having thoughts like "Allah swt. will never forgive you and you have already got yourself a place in hell". So with these thoughts 24/7 I just stopped praying and kinda "gave up" on trying to be a better muslim. In this period I met another (muslim) guy. I also committed zina with him because I thought "If I already did it with the other one and booked myself a place in hell, this won't change the matter". But oh boy, did I just feel even worse.

After the second guy I felt so bad and depressed. I cut contact with him and promised myself that I would never go even near a guy and I have kept that promise ever since. I was in a very dark place after this. I was very deep in depression. I locked myself in my room 24/7 crying all day and night. This ruined 1 year of school for me. I failed every single exam. This period I kinda stopped "living" and was just "existing". I was having nightmares. I saw myself burning in hell and my family disowning me. I was at a very low point of my life. My family started noticing my changed behavior. She tried to get it out of me what had happened. But I could of course not tell her. So I pretended like nothing and tried my best to look happy.

In this period I started praying 5 times a day again. I recited Quran. Started to learn myself the arabic alphabet so that I could teach myself to read the Quran for myself. I stayed up every night and made dua and prayed to God to forgive me. At the same thought I started to develop very bad thoughts about myself. I saw myself as filthy, disgusting, a disgrace and I swear I could not look into the mirror without hatred towards myself. I even thought about committing suicide. Some days I could lay in bed looking out the window and picturing the scenario of me jumping out the window. I knew suicide was haram in Islam and that if I ever committed it my chances of Allah forgiving me would decrease to zero so that was really the only thing that pushed me away of suicide thoughts.

In this period I was so afraid of what Allah swt thought of me and what I had done. I was so ashamed and I felt so guilty. Every single day I reminded myself that I disappointed the very one that created me and gave me good parents and a good life. I also felt very bad towards my parents. My parents fled from their country, left behind their roots and family (from war) just to give us a better future than they ever did. And I disappoint like that. My parents do not know of this and I hope they never do, Inshallah!

Just a year ago I started to kinda forget all that had happened and my depression washed away. I felt much better. The praying and Quran recitation helped me a lot. That was the reason I kinda started to "live again" and made the depression go away. I took my exams again and got great results and everything seemed finally "okey".

Now, this day I feel the depression creeping up on me again. I´am starting to have dreams about one of the guys I committed zina with. I am starting to have bad thoughts about myself again. I am starting to have fear again that my family will find out and disown me. I am starting to fear that my future husband will know of this and that the whole community will know of this. I am starting to stress everyday and I have mental breakdowns. I dont know what to do. Is there anyone that have any kind advice for me. Also I never talked about this to anyone so I kinda feel alone. I am starting to just feel like giving up. I can't look at my parents without feeling ashamed and guilty anymore.

Noora95

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7 Responses »

  1. Get married and find a guy who won't let you be this way. Praying alone is harder and less rewarding to your concise asoppose to praying with your spouse.
    I have 2 girls in my past. I married one of them to make it right. No demons left for me.

  2. Assalam u alykum Dear sister,

    The good thing is that you have realised, accepted and repented from your mistake.
    We are humans, we err. This is not an excuse for bad behaviour or sinning, but a fact. '...And man has been created weak.' (4:28) وَخُلِقَ الإِنسَانُ ضَعِيفًا

    You made a mistake (twice) but from your post, you have genuine regret and remorse for what you have done. And this is really good. Feeling shameful and guilty is a good sign and a step towards the correct direction.
    It is a sign that your heart is turning away from the aforementioned sins and inclining towards good. Alhamdulilah.
    Also, please do not stress yourself out because of what has happened. Try to move on rather than dwelling in the past. I appreciate this is easier said than done!
    Please remember that Allah is Ever Merciful, Allah's Mercy is abundant and we ahiild all be seeking it. In the Quran 113 chapters out of the 114 begin with reminding us that Allah is Merciful. It is said that Allah's Mercy is 70x more than a Mother's. (Apologies as I can't provide reference at the moment)

    However, deep and disgusting our deeds are, Allah's Mercy is so much more! It's incomparable. SubhanAllah.
    Constantly remind yourself that Allah is Al-Wadud (The Loving) and Ar-Rahman (The Merciful)- this should be enough to help you mentally. Be hopeful. Don't drown yourself in misery and overburden yourself with thinking about your sins. Don't despair. Instead carry on with your ibadah, istighfaar and taubah.

    If you are worried that your parents will find out, please continue doing dua to Allah that the veil he has placed over your sins remains there.

    In the event that they do find out, they will feel hurt. Betrayed, trust broken. But they are your parents, they love you and will eventually forgive you.

    Be hopeful, forgive yourself and try to move forward, in sha Allah.
    May Allah Bless you with goodness in this life and the Next.

    Your Sis in Islam

    • Thank you for the advice! It was very much needed! Its nice to hear soothing words from a fellow muslim without being accused of being "bad muslim". I know that we humans are weak and thats still not an excuse to committ sins, but i genuinly regret it so much and cant even think about coming near it ever again!

  3. Walekmassalam assalam warahmatullah. Dear Noora. When you practiced on Islam means all human beings are under their test.and for Muslims they are high ranked persons so their test is quite difficult. If we fail in Allah test it doesn't mean we should giveup.more over if we don't clear that test how can we get our rank in jannah. Our sins always disclosed to Allah only. And try your best .take positive vibes .what evr negative thoughts we get is from eve.allah's mercy is so precious. Don't give up . If you feel negative then pls marry to a good practicing muslim. But don't think that Allah Ll nvr forgived us. What ever sins we comited but if we put one leg towards allah allah put ten steps towards us. If walk towards allah allah runs towards us. U just pray to allah and do all good deeds what you did like before 17.inshallah you ll be succeeded.
    And don't go to Zina or any filthy deeds .if you need something go and pray to allah.ask Allah everything. Inshallah time may take for your patiens n efforts .but inshallah you ll get allah help.

  4. Please recite Astaghfar 100plus daily. and recite salawat alan nabi (durood sharif) alot.

    scholars speak highly of durood sharif and its benefits. it will bring so much peace,acceptance, and happiness in your life insha Allah
    your sins will wash away and your spiritual ranks will go up

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