Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Future to be fiance

woman worried about her husband's behaviour

I have met a man through family friends and he is everything i am looking for mashallah We are planning to get married soon.

He told me about his past relationships which included 3 girls who he slept with AND had no intentions in marrying. This stopped a year before he met me and has told me he repented. I have had alot of relationships too but none of them led to sex. I am not exactly an angel but i didnt have sex.

one of the thing that kills me is that he made a tawba for a year in between then went back to it. Even though he knew he didnt want to marry the girl but still went for a relationship with her. He has told me that the reason he got out was he felt very uncomfortable and regretting so he left her and started looking for a real relationship instead of a fake one and made repentance. And prayed allah will send him a Muslim woman ( the previous ones werent muslims)

 

another thing that is odd was he never missed a prayer even while dating these girls he kept himself chaste for 26 years ( no dating no nothing) then fell for this trap for 3 years.

It makes me so sad because he is such a nice kind sweet shy relegious guy. It makes me fear that we are not compatible or he is not stable because he did that after being clean for 26 years. He prays and doesn’t want us to sin and have sex and wait until marriage as do i. But i hate his past choices

I am living in ocd where i keep picturing him with these girls and it kills me. I always wanted a man who values a relationship and knows what he wants. He tells me he didnt know what love is until he met me and had he met me earlier he wouldnt have gone that path. My heart is felled with pain and sorrow. I am taking medicine and seeing a therapist. This has been going on for 4 months. I told my family about it. They told me to forgive him cuz he is such a nice and sweet man and he has repented. But i cant bring myself to forgive him. Especially becase he has repented before and went back to it.

 

Also, one different thing between us is i lived most of my life in the middle east, he grew up in usa. Which might have led him to that path but it still makes me cry because he is such a good man.

 

Help me please. Does he deserve forgiveness and is worth marrying? And how can i stop living in ocd about his past? Its very bad and damaging to my health. Pray for me to get better 🙁

 

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5 Responses »

  1. I suggest you too Istikhara,it's the best thing you can do it. IF it's positive then marry him otherwise don't marry him.The only thing you can do for ocd is don't marry him.

  2. OP: He told me about his past relationships which included 3 girls who he slept with AND had no intentions in marrying. This stopped a year before he met me and has told me he repented. I have had alot of relationships too but none of them led to sex. I am not exactly an angel but i didnt have sex . Also, one different thing between us is i lived most of my life in the middle east, he grew up in usa. Which might have led him to that path but it still makes me cry because he is such a good man.

    You managed to have many relationships in middle east, but you think your "such a good man" who had sex with 3 girls with no intention of marrying was some how influenced by way of life in USA. Whne you say "you did not have sex" you mean you did other intimate things except sexual intercourse (penetration). You both had multiple relationships and may have more if you feel you can do it without getting caught.

  3. You both had your fun times with multiple partners. The only difference is that he slept around and you didn't. You are not so innocent either. If you are having such hard time accepting his past now, it will be worse after marriage. I have seen these typesof men tend to be over protective of their wives, they have insecurity, especially the ones after they decide to stop using girls for their pleasure. If you decide to pursue make sure to get him medically tested.

  4. If you are already taking medicine and seeing a therapist I don't think you should marry this guy. Marriage is hard enough and you have issues now. My opinion about his past is this: he should have been married before he committed these sins because 26 is grown. Today people delay marriage because of so many issues. (finish school, get a job, sibling has to get married first, etc.) Muslims need to realize it is better to get married before you graduate than to have a relationship because a person desires a spouse. I do believe he should be forgiven, and might make a good husband to a woman who is not bothered by his past. Now, if you do decide to marry this guy make sure he is tested for STD's to protect yourself. -Salam

  5. Asalamualaikum Sister,

    I think the more pressing issue at hand is not the sins he's committed as he claims he has sincerely repented from them (and Allah swt is the most merciful, the most forgiving) but that you can't digest his past and move forward happily with him. That too is fair on your end as we all have our own limits to what we can or cannot compromise on. My humble suggestion is don't move forward with this proposal if you can't fully accept his past. You will only feel worse after marriage when shaitaan will be even more adament in toying with your marriage by constantly whispering negative thoughts to you left and right. It won't be fair to him since he claims he's a changed person now and it will make you more sick than you already are now. Marriage is hard work as it is so please don't add more stress to your plate. Lastly, it's best if next time you don't dig old graves, we've all sinned some more than others so it's best to keep the past where it belongs: behind you.

    -Helpful Sister

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