Having problems with living as a joint family
My wife and I live in a very progressive environment and were married in a semi-arranged fashion. We both love each other very much and, for the sake of my parents (especially my mother as she is quite sick), a condition to marriage from my side was that my wife would agree to live amicably in a joint family arrangement (my father, my mother, me and her). She agreed and we both had a lovely wedding and honeymoon.
However, soon after our relationship started to deteriorate as, according to her, she was having difficulty adjusting to the expectations of my parents. Such adjustments range from trivial in nature to more serious ones such as waking up earlier than she is used to (around 10 am rather than 12-1 pm as she used to in her house prior to marriage) and preparing meals of the house.
My wife consistently tells me that it is not her responsibility to take care of my parents. I agree with her as I am knowledgeable atleast to this extent about my wife's duties to my family and I in Islam. However, as a son I have an even greater responsibility to my parents. I owe them everything, I love them with all my heart, I would give my life for them without any hesitation and I would not even be half the man I am today without their love, kindness and guidance. My mother is a very sick woman and she has never committed a wrongdoing on my wife. My mother and wife have very different personalities and I do not see them getting to be "friends" as is the nature of different people.
I am so stressed out as I never talk back to my parents and also I know I cannot ask my wife to serve them Islamically as she has no obligation to do so. My parents are more traditional and expect her to take care of the house the same way my mother did and her mother before her. I have lost my appetite and sleep and have had very little of both over the last 2 weeks and it is beginning to show. I would really like some advice on how I can make this situation work. I have obligations to my parents AND my wife. I am at a loss of how I should satisfy both. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
stressed
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we alekom salam,
even though it is not your wife's responsibility, she should still want to help in the house. it is a house of 2 couples and shared responsibilities, such as cleaning and cooking duties.
this is your mother and her mother in law and she should want to help her out as well being your mom is sick. i could never turn my back on my mother in law in a situation such as that. your wife needs to have a bigger heart and understanding about things.
would she not want you to be there for her mom in the same situation?
good luck my friend and try not to be stressed out about things, your mom is always first in your life and your wife needs to understand that and know her place as well, besid eyou in any situations.
It is his parents and his job to care for them not hers. She has left her family her parents and everything for him and now he wants more? This is ridiculous. What has he done for her parents? He won't even give his wife her right to live separately and now she must also be his parents' care taker? She should divorce him and marry someone else!
Sister Zaynab, please do not give advice of such extreme nature. Fear Allah and advice only when you dwell you will solve things rightly.
It is certainly not the wife responsibility to take care of the husbands parents, yet If she chooses to then it's kind gesture and favor from her side to them.
Also, I think the husband and wife should sit and discuss these things and so should the husband and parents. As difficult as the situation is, the husband is key.
The husband cannot disrespect his mother and father and he cannot deny his wife her rights and care. So the best way is to be polite to your parents and be kind and just to your wife.
Communicate with both. It is very difficult in the start but soon it comes to work.
Also, after marriage life changes for both the husband and wife. Just as the wife used to wake up late in the afternoon before marriage, the husband must 've hanging out with friends late night. If He has to come home early for her she can also wake up and have breakfast and be a family. Marriage is team work, not individuals living together. The main team is the husband and wife and compromises are needed both from both.
Divorce is not the solution.
your wife cannot expect the same lifestyle as prior to marriage as she's not in the situation. She's a married woman now and you need to make her understand that. It's a two way street. She needs to consider your stresses rather than overloading you with a load of stress! and to be frank she was aware of what she's getting into as you said that you had informed her beforehand. I'd also like to state that I feel she's really inconsiderate.. reason being is IF her parents were ill or in the same scenario would she cheer on for her sister-in-law to shrug them off. We go out of our way to give charity and to help strangers but why not start from home?? I'm not saying she's a criminal for feeling what she voiced to you. But I am saying that her approach is wrong and that may be because shes too busy thinking about what she wants and not what's best for everyone collectively. so try talking to her and making her understand. and if she loves you more than her WANT I.e nafs then she will understand .. happily.. <--- my opinion
Asalamoalaikum Brother,
A successful marriage requires many things but one of the most important is compromise.
With that taken into account both your mother and wife will have to strike a compromise, a middle ground. Else wise this marriage is going to hit high tides.
It seems as though you are residing somewhere in the west and therefore your wife wishes to view her family life independent of her in-laws whereas your mother holds more orthodox views of a joint family system with traditional gender roles.
Your mother has to realize that your wife has been brought up in a different environment and therefore has different dreams and aspirations in life than she did. She should try to take care of herself as much as possible so not to burden anyone. I understand though that she is ill and it is your responsibility to ensure her emotional, physical (I mean in terms of her health) and financial needs are being met. If your income allows you to, perhaps you can hire a maid so that your wife does not feel burdened with the domestic chores. If that is not possible then you need to participate in helping around with the household chores as much as possible. Simple things like making the bed, cleaning after yourself, making your own lunch for work can make a huge difference. Washing the dinner dishes after your wife has made a meal is very rewarding and will give her some time to relax as well. This may not be normal for your mother but it is something that she will have to accept. It will alleviate your wife’s burden and resentment towards your mother while creating more love between you both as well. It is also important that your mother does not provide any unneeded advice on how your wife should do certain household chores or tasks, how she should dress, whom she should speak to, etc. This is between your wife and yourself. You also need to ensure that you do not go and discuss your marital concerns with your mother. She has your best interest at heart but you may not always be right and your mother, naturally, will always have a bias towards you.
Your wife on the other hand needs to practice some empathy and mercy towards your situation. She needs to realize that the woman she is having a hard time adjusting with is your mother at the end of the day. It would be wise of her to learn to ignore and let go some of your mother’s behaviour. After all we don’t get along with our mothers all the time either. As long as your mother is not abusive, rude or degrading your wife needs to learn to let go and start making compromises. Waking up at 12pm-1pm every day shouldn’t be the norm. Once you have children things are going to change and so she needs to learn to adapt to these changes from now. She doesn’t have to wake up every day at 10 am but sleeping till 1 pm isn’t sensible either.
It’s important that you speak to your wife and mother independently and let them know how this situation is affecting you. Let them know that in order for there to be happiness in the home compromises from both ends will have to be made. It cannot be “My way or the highway” anymore.
If they are wise women, they will get the point and learn to accept and respect one another.
-Helping Sister
Assalam alaikum,
A person can say that they agree to something that they have never experienced and then later feel differently about it, which is the case with your wife.
If you wife, out of the goodness of her heart, wanted to follow a schedule and set of rules set by your parents, then inn shaa Allah she would be rewarded, but certainly, you can't expect her to. Perhaps she would find this easier if everything wasn't so expected and that room was given to her to make her own decisions like an adult. In many joint-family situations, a lot is imposed on the daughter-in-law, who is expected to make ALL of the changes while the rest of the family may not respect her wishes and decisions. I don't know if this is the case with you and your wife, but it could be a factor in her behaviour.
Taking care of an ill person is not easy, especially when they expect a lot and may not show their appreciation. It can be difficult for sick people to be gracious in certain situations when they don't feel well--so they are or can be irritable without intending to be. This can be a huge stress for someone who may feel that they are trapped or they feel helpless because seeing a person in pain and sickness isn't always easy.
Joint-family systems are typically practiced in the Indian Subcontinent and where it isn't practiced, I am sure those sons also value and love their mothers too. You don't have to prove your self-worth as a son via your wife and most likely you will be evaluated constantly under a microscope if anything your wife does appears as disobedient OR if you cater to her needs.
Much of this can be avoided by making your relationship with your wife about you and her and NOT about her and your entire family (especially all of the time). There has to be reasonable room for her to feel that she can get up when she wants--even if it isn't everyday--especially in the early stages of marriage. She shouldn't be scrutinized for this. However, if her routine doesn't help you as a husband (leaving your family out of this), that is another matter. If you need her to support you and you alone, then she should definitely be there. Hopefully, if you can help her to understand that this marriage is about her and you, her heart will soften and help her.
Furthermore, you don't have to answer back to your parents regarding her--you can simply make arrangements to do things for your mother and father as you did before being married. Either you can hire a nanny or maid, as I have seen some people do for their parents, and do not include her in your private conversation with your parents. Let your parents know that you will make happen for them as you did prior to marriage and this is your responsibility that you will inn shaa Allah fulfill.
Meanwhile, try to avoid cross-talk and listen to what both sides have to say, while taking time to reply or make a decision. Let your parents know that you love them and that they have your obedience and let your wife know that her choices and decisions are important. Perhaps there can be a separate part of the house in which she lives only so that she can have her privacy--as privacy is nothing something to give up so easily.
May Allah ease your difficult situation, Ameen.
salaam alekum brother.
She shouldn't be getting up that late it's not good for her health.
Here is a great article.
Source taken from Islamqa.com
- Etiquette, Morals and Heart-Softeners » Manners » Sleeping Manners.
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96589: How many hours is it permissible for a person to sleep?
How many hours is it permissible for a person to sleep?.
Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly:
Sleep is one of the signs of Allaah in this universe, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And among His Signs is your sleep by night and by day, and your seeking of His Bounty. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who listen”
[al-Room 30:23].
In principle, sleeping is to be at night, but sleeping during the day is also possible. Allaah has created the day for work and going out seeking provision, and He has created the night for rest; so sleep takes place at night and work during the day. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And it is He Who makes the night a covering for you, and the sleep (as) a repose, and makes the day Nushoor (i.e. getting up and going about here and there for daily work, after one’s sleep at night or like resurrection after one’s death)”
[al-Furqaan 25:47]
“See they not that We have made the night for them to rest therein, and the day sight‑giving? Verily, in this are Ayaat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) for the people who believe”
[al-Naml 27:86]
“And We have made your sleep as a thing for rest.
10. And We have made the night as a covering (through its darkness),
11. And We have made the day for livelihood”
[al-Naba’ 78:9-11].
Imam Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
i.e., among the signs is that which has been created for you of sleep by night and by day, in which you get rest and stillness, and exhaustion and tiredness are taken away; and wakefulness and striving for one’s livelihood have been ordained during the day.
Tafseer Ibn Katheer (6/310).
Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
“And We have made your sleep as a thing for rest” means: to put an end to tiredness, because sleep puts an end to that which comes before it of tiredness, and a person renews his energy thereby for what lies ahead. Hence you see that if a man becomes tired and sleeps, he is refreshed and his energy is renewed. This is a blessing and it is also one of the signs of Allaah, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And among His Signs is your sleep by night and by day, and your seeking of His Bounty”
[al-Room 30:23].
“And We have made the day for livelihood” i.e., living whereby people seek their provision according to their status and circumstances. This is the blessing of Allaah upon His slaves.
Tafseer Juz’a ‘Amma, p. 22, 23.
Secondly:
There is nothing in sharee’ah to suggest that a Muslim has to sleep at a certain time and wake up at a certain time, and Islam does not tell the Muslim to sleep a certain number of hours. Rather that depends on people’s ages and natures, and how much rest their bodies need, and it also depends on the nature of their work. One who works at night will sleep more during the day and one who works during the day will sleep more at night. Sleep during the winter is different than sleep during the summer and so on.
The natural average length of sleep is between 5 and 8 hours every day. If someone sleeps less than that because he is able to put up with that, or someone sleeps more than that because his body needs that, there is nothing wrong with that. What matters is that Islam obliges the Muslim to observe the times of prayer, at which time he should be awake so that he can perform the act of worship in the proper manner and with energy. If his body needs rest and sleep, he should not resist that.
Shaykh Muhammad ibn Ahmad al-Safaareeni (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
It is not right to resist sleep a great deal and stay up late often. Resisting and avoiding sleep will lead to other problems such as bad moods, muddled thinking, and exhaustion that prevents one from understanding and working properly, and it can lead to many fatal illnesses.
Creation is based on balance and whoever adheres to moderation has achieved all goodness. In al-Adaab al-Kubra, one of the wise men said: Drowsiness takes away reason, but sleep increases it.
Sleep is one of the blessings that Allaah bestows upon His slaves, hence He reminds them of it in His Book.
Ghadha’ al-Albaab fi Sharh Manzoomat al-Adaab (2/359).
It should be noted that sleeping more than the body needs will make one lazy in worship and will make one slow in thinking. Hence there are some sayings of the salaf which criticize sleeping too much.
Al-Fudayl ibn ‘Iyaad (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: There are two qualities that harden the heart: sleeping too much and eating too much.
Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
As for the five things that corrupt the heart, they are those that are referred to: mixing too much with people, wishful thinking, being attached to anything other than Allaah, eating one’s fill, and sleeping. These five are the greatest corrupters of the heart.
Madaarij al-Saalikeen (1/453).
He explained that which has to do with sleep and said:
The fifth corrupter is: sleeping too much, for it deadens the heart, makes the body heavy, wastes time, and generates a great deal of carelessness and laziness. Some of it is very makrooh and some is harmful and brings no benefit to the body.
The most beneficial of sleep is that which comes when the need for it is greatest. Sleeping at the beginning of the night is better than at the end, and sleeping in the middle of the day is better than sleeping at the beginning or end of the day. The closer sleep is to either the beginning or end of the day, the less beneficial it is and the more harmful, especially sleeping at ‘Asr time, and sleeping at the beginning of the day, except in the case of one who has stayed up late. Among makrooh kinds of sleep in their view is sleeping between Fajr prayer and sunrise, because that is a precious time. This time is of great benefit for those who are devoted to Allaah; even if they had been worshipping all night, they would not allow themselves to stop at that time until the sun has risen, because it is the beginning of the day, when provision comes down and is divided, and blessings are bestowed. That is the beginning of the day and the whole day depends on what happens during that time, no one should sleep at that time unless he is compelled to.
To sum up: the best and most beneficial of sleep is sleep during the first half of the night, and the last sixth, which is equivalent to eight hours. This is the best sleep according to doctors. Anything more or less than that will have a proportionately detrimental effect on the body, in their view.
Another kind of sleep that is of no benefit is sleeping straight after sunset, until the twilight has disappeared. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) disliked that, therefore it is makrooh according to sharee’ah and is naturally disliked. Just as sleeping too much leads to these problems, resisting and avoiding sleep will lead to other problems such as bad moods, muddled thinking, and exhaustion that prevents one from understanding and working properly, and it can lead to many fatal illnesses, whereby a person will not be able to think properly and will feel physically weak. Creation is based on balance and whoever adheres to moderation has achieved all goodness.
And Allaah is the One Whose help we seek.
Madaarij al-Saalikeen (1/459, 460).
And Allaah is the Source of strength.
...
Also brother so long as you live with your parents encourage your wife to learn from your mother, inshaAllah this way the times will become a happy memory.
May Allah give your mother shifAa
wa Salam
You need to talk to ur wife and tell her how u feel explain the ur mum is ill and she should help with no hesitation off course u love both but ur parents come first and she should respect that ! Why. Don't you both work together on helpin cooking and cleaning etc is nothing it's hardly effort if she has nothing to do then what is there to complain about ! U need to make it clear to her! She should feel ashamed of not wanting to help a sick woman.
Salam brother,
I really feel for you and your distress. Your parents are indeed very important but so is your wife. Two different generation living under the same roof will prove difficult.
Your wife does not want to serve your parents as she hasn't married them. She loves you. So, if you want her to cooperate say to her: I love you and I would love if you could be kind and cook for me and all us rather than can you get up early and cook for my parents. Show that you love her and thank her for her efforts when she does something nice for your parents.
Good luck to you
Salam
I'm western and married a persian, and just spent 2 months overseas with my inlaws living in their home. I'll tell you right now that the problem is 3 things. Your wife doesn't want to suddenly be shoved into the life of an traditional daughter/maid. She knows that once she does it, she'll never be allowed to go back to her normal self. Your mother will insist she never stop cleaning, cooking, etc and you will certainly notices if she slacks and not appreciate it which she dreads. She knows it's a slippery slope. Your mother is ill and disappointed in the behaviour of your wife. She probably was banking on a strong pair of hands and a willing female as your wife to help out, that's the way it is overseas and a woman isn't just a member of the family... she's an asset in the home. Your wife may not be so much of an asset as your mother had depended on. But most of all, they don't get along. I myself am American, typical white girl. I like to sleep in, I won't be a maid to anyone if I don't want to I can tell you that right now, Islam or no Islam. It's just in my nature... you get good treatment because you deserve it as a human being, and if you're not nice to me, you don't get a thing and good luck depleting your savings to pay someone to take care of you. But my mother in law was very nice. No, she didn't drool all over me... didn't fawn all over me. She was just ... nice. And us Americans can appreciate that. So I bent over backwards trying to please her and make her proud when I was at her home, and showed her the ULTIMATE respect of anyone. Now when I think of her, my heart swells. She's a great woman who raised a great man who is now my husband.
The problem isn't that your wife is lazy,.. even though it may be a factor... the main issue is that it hurts her pride to serve a woman and take a conventional role against her nature for a woman to nit-picks at her, and worse if she starts playing the part, she's stuck in that part forever. If you don't have kids yet, your wife knows that her freedom and free time will be gone then, and she's not willing to give it up early to your parents. Selfish... yes, definitely. Her right to make that decision... Unfortunately, yes. I bet if one of your wife's friends was sick, she'd come running with a bowl of soup and flowers even though it "wasn't her responsibility." ... but...
sheesh sleeping in until 1pm? That DOES sound lazy. lol
all those criticizing the wife have never b4en in that situation im sure. no woman has a problem with daily chores like cooking and cleaning but doing things the way others want you gets extremely stressful in the long term esp if you are being dictated by those who have little sympathy with you. remember your mother is your mother but very woman is extremely difficult as mother in law. there are insecurities involved. and it is not about your parents being conservative or your wife being liberal. it is about creating a balance in accordance with the teachings of islam. having privacy is your wife's basic right. you can't take it away from her to please your parents. tell your parents you love them but when it comes to your wife you as a husband must follow Allah rather than your parents or her parents. give her as much autonomy in the house as possible if you want to live with your parents. try to provide her with the separate kitchen and a portion. the mom won't b happy with that and that explains why you should do that if you want to b happily married.
I can understand why so many people are blaming the wife and expecting her to compromise, and I think to a certain extent your right - but it can be very dofficult to live with in laws. As the son, you will always see your parents and fsmily in a good light, It will be easier for you to blame your wife and expect her to be a better daughter in law. But you need to understand that it's difficult to adjust to a compeltly different lifestyle and to make those changes overnight. If your wife is someone who has had no responsibility her entire life and has had a pretty easy going lifestyle, you can't expect her to suddenly change overnight and take over the entire household and take care of your mum - that's not how she has been raised. Think of how you would feel if you were the one to move in with her parents and the shock to your system of having to suddenly change your lifestyle complelty. I am not saying that she is compelty correct in all she is doing and I empathise with you as well but be patient with her. Give her space, and gently help her change her lifestyle don't pressurise her. Let her do things willingly, you carry on showing her you love her and try to build the gap between her and your family. Be good to your mum and your wife. InshaAllah with time things will get better.
First of all if your mom is sick it's not your wife's responsibility it is yours so you should be the one cleaning or cooking or whatever and if you can't do it then your parents should adjust
Also living in our own house is the right of every family and if you were not willing to give your wife that right you shouldn't have gotten married because being married is not a job where you outline your preferences before you get married that " you must serve my parents" ETc
Sounds like you want your wife to pay the price of your resonsibilities so my suggestion is you give her some money and divorce her so she can make a life and you spend time taking care of ur parentswhe. You feel like you have the time to work on a marriage then maybe you can try again
Best Reply!
It is certainly not the wife responsibility to take care of the husbands parents, yet If she chooses to then it's kind gesture and favor from her side to them.
Also, I think the husband and wife should sit and discuss these things and so should the husband and parents. As difficult as the situation is, the husband is key.
The husband cannot disrespect his mother and father and he cannot deny his wife her rights and care. So the best way is to be polite to your parents and be kind and just to your wife.
Communicate with both. It is very difficult in the start but soon it comes to work.
Also, after marriage life changes for both the husband and wife. Just as the wife used to wake up late in the afternoon before marriage, the husband must 've hanging out with friends late night. If He has to come home early for her she can also wake up and have breakfast and be a family. Marriage is team work, not individuals living together. The main team is the husband and wife and compromises are needed both from both.
Divorce is not the solution