Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I prove my innocence to my fiance?

Why won't he trust me?

Why won't he trust me?

Assalamu’alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

First of all Ramadan Kareem, I hope this blessed month is bringing you all much sakoon and happiness InshaaAllah.

To be honest this is the first time i am ever posting such a question on the internet, however i have been feeling very troubled and confused recently and am hoping someone may be able to assist me with my problem InshaaAllah.

I have been engaged to my fiance for the last 2 years, we were planning on getting married by the end of this year or beginning of next... we have been waiting for a while because we have both had other commitments to fulfill and certain financial strains always getting in the way.

My relationship with my fiance has always been very beautiful and strong, I feel as though we have been made for each other and I love him immensely. However in the last 2-3 Months he has been accusing me of being unfaithful. I do not understand how and why he has these thoughts in his head. I ask him to give me an explanation of why he thinks the way he does but he refuses to. It is so random and out of the blue, i am completely innocent and would never ever do such a thing. Truth and honesty has always been a major factor within our relationship so i could never hurt him like that nor could i ever degrade myself in such a way to commit this type of sin. I keep telling him he should see me, remember me for who i really am, but nothing seems to be working, we sort things out for a few weeks and then his suspicions arise again. I've asked him if there's something i do that triggers his suspicion or something i say but he just says  "i have a feeling". I just don't understand it, I don't know what to do anymore.

I live at home with my parents and work at a local children's nursery. I travel from home to work and then from work back home 99% of the time and the rare occasion i do leave my house i always inform him of where i am and who i am going with.

Recently things have escalated and he is ready to completely end things with me and call off the wedding. I just can't believe this is happening to me, my whole future is being jeprodised by this silly baseless suspicion. Secondly my izzath is being completely discarded, I just don't know what to do anymore, I do love him alot and want to spend the rest of my life with him, i have never ever done anything to hurt him i just dont understand why this is happening to mi, he tells me he loves me too but just cant seem to trust me because of this feeling he has.

I have begged and pleaded him to give our love a last chance by having him perform Istikhaara Namaaz. We have received no answer from the prayer yet but i would like some advice on how to properly perform it and maybe some advice or suggestions on any other Dua's i could read to help prove my innocence and finally make him see's sense. The pain of being accused of such an shameful act is so painful, I just want him to see the truth so we can continue life as normal and InshaaAllah be united as husband and wife soon. I would really appreciate it if someone could help me please thank you very much.

Allah Hafiz.


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14 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister.
    Your fiancé is a jealous and suspicious person. Men like him tend to get worse overtime. It starts off with baseless accusations, then verbal abuse and more often than not leads to violence and sometimes even worse!

    Men that have this nature often suffer from low self esteem and make themselves feel better they abuseb their partners and family members.

    You are very fortunate that Allah has shown you this side of your fiancé. I would advise you not to marry him as he will get worse over time. You are not married yet and he treats you so badly. Imagine if you are married and he mistreats you. It will be much harder to get away from him.


    • I agree with Br. Javed 110%. As I read your post, I was reminded of another post on this website who recently ended his engagement because of his suspicions--and that is all they were, suspicions.

      I suggest that you STOP begging and pleading because it actually makes you look guilty when in fact you have done nothing. I suggest that you speak to your parents--forget about izzat and this sort of talk--don't live for what people will say or think--live for Allah swt, being a slave to Allah gives us only freedom. I would not recommend going forward with the marriage.

  2. His behaviour seems a little odd, especially since you haven't done anything wrong! It would really help if he could elaborate on why he is feeling so paranoid. Has he displayed behaviour like this in the past, or this is out of the blue. Do you think his Behavioirs changed in any other way? Is he depressed at all?

    There could be a 101 reasons for his behaviour. There is a possibility of an underling mental health condition that could possibly be triggering his paranoid thoughts, especially if he is young. Or perhaps he is using this as an excuse to end the engagement?

    It's difficult to say, but you can't think about marriage with someone who is suspecting you unjustly. I would suggest sitting down together with elders and let him get his thoughts out into the open. If you haven't done anything wrong there is nothing to worry about, I think getting elders involved is even more important to avoid tarnishing your name unjustly.

  3. Salam Sister,

    I really feel for you and ask Allah to bring you patience during your hardship. After reading your story, it seems to me as if your fiance is trying to find excuses to finish things with you. If this is the case, what a shameful way to do it by putting the blame and accusing you like this. In Islam, you need 4 witnesses to prove that they have seen with their own eyes something take place as accusing someone of cheating is a very serious matter!!
    I think you should perhaps do Salat el Istikhara alone and ask Allah to help you with the truth. It is not an easy situation but bare with it as Allah will reward your honnesty and hardship! It is all a test from Allah.

    Best wishes sister

    • Yeah, this definitely sounds like a man searching desperately for a reason to breakup. So whatever the woman does she will be found guilty because he wants her to be guilty so he can end things. If you guys do break up be thankful the breakup happened before there were any kids. P.S. please don't have your family buy your mom in law gifts until after this horrible problem is dealt with.

  4. If he actually loved you he would confront you and open himself up, giving you a chance to prove your innocence.
    the fact that he is not telling you means he is probably:

    1) looking for a way out now, maybe his mother has found someone she thinks is better;

    2) what the brothers and sisters here are saying that he is indeed the jealous, accusing type and these men/women do not get better with time;

    3) If you have done istikhara, then i think Allah is showing you his true nature;

    i would suggest you do istikhara with out telling him, and wait for the results, if his attitude does not change then i guess its best to part ways.

    or give the guy a deadline to stop harassing and emotionally black mailing you, and tell you the reason/source of his mistrust in you, if not, be strong sister, walk away.

    i know this may not be relevant, but i was engaged for 3 years, and when it finally came down to finalizing a date for marriage, the girl's side put up the excuse that their elder daughter was not yet wed and that i would have to wait indefinitely till she got married for my fiance and my self to tie the knot. Of course i walked away, you do not just waste 3 years of someone's life and expect them to hang around 🙂

    so all these are just excuses sister. observe the red flags, do not let emotions cloud your judgement.
    Best of Luck!

  5. Sister,

    Could it be that your fiance has met someone else and is looking for a way out? What better way than to put it off on you? Your fiance has no reason to suspect you of anything from the sounds of things and to be quite honest, it is a slap in your face to accuse you of being unfaithful especially when the accusation is baseless.

    I honestly think you should take a step back and look at this whole scenario. Something isn't right. I think if anyone is probably unfaithful here it is your fiance. He is just looking for a way to end things. You deserve way better.


  6. I think he is too realistic in the world or might be reading lot of similar websites about stories of Muslim girls commiting zina before marriage and then repenting becoming pious again .His mind might have became like this due to some experience

  7. I think he has has cheated on you and hence why he is feeling guilty. This is hes way of breaking it up. Men like this are guilty of themselves for doing wrong its easy to blame a woman or someone else for there own mistake. If god has let this happen then god only wants to give you better this is an old saying i have grew up with and I agree with this. STOP begging let it be and hope for the best inshAllah.

  8. MAJOR red flag. You are just engaged to this man get out! However, if you dont want to listen to tht advice i would say sit down with him and make him tell u why he says such a thing tell him exactly what his accusations make u feel and ask him to tell u why he says such things. Put your foot down NOW or he will be doing this for the rest of his life.

  9. Also, do not beg or plead him. Why are you doing that? Are you guilty? No right? So tell him not to give you such accusations because you are only answerable to God and your values do not allow you to be such a low person who cheats on someone. Be confiident in yourself and tell him you arent one of those ppl. If u beg plead he will think u r guilty.

  10. Wa 'alaikom alsalam wa rahmatuAllahi wa barakatuh.

    Sister, slow down and reconsider for a while. This is a man you're about to marry and spend the rest of your life with. Do you really want to? You're not even married and he has serious trust issues. There is a chance his suspicions will only get worse once you're married.

    Also his accusation is a serious one and very offending and hurtful. He says he loves you, but, tell me, would you accuse a man you love of being unfaithful just because you have a feeling that he is? His lack of consideration for your feelings and your honor show poor character on his behalf.

    You haven't specified what he means by unfaithful, but if he means you're being adulterous than that is a very serious accusation, and in Islam we are careful about making it. Accusing someone of adultery and failing to bring forth witnesses or indisputable evidence is an offense punishable according to shari'a (Islamic law) and something Muslims should be careful about as it has grave consequences as clarified in the verse below.

    Surah An-Noor, Verse 4:
    وَالَّذِينَ يَرْمُونَ الْمُحْصَنَاتِ ثُمَّ لَمْ يَأْتُوا بِأَرْبَعَةِ شُهَدَاءَ فَاجْلِدُوهُمْ ثَمَانِينَ جَلْدَةً وَلَا تَقْبَلُوا لَهُمْ شَهَادَةً أَبَدًا وَأُولَٰئِكَ هُمُ الْفَاسِقُونَ

    And those who accuse free women then do not bring four witnesses, flog them, (giving) eighty stripes, and do not admit any evidence from them ever; and these it is that are the transgressors,
    (English - Shakir)

    Now perhaps he is not well educated on matters of religion or perhaps he is but he isn't mindful of the above. If the latter is the case I think you should remind him. And, also keep in mind that that would show poor religious character. Once more, ask yourself if this is the type of man you wish to marry.

    Moreover, you should consider the rather realistic possibility that perhaps he wants a way out of this marriage and is using, 'his feeling' and your 'unfaithfulness' as an excuse.

    Sister, please think about these matters well and ask Allah to guide you to make the right decisions.

    I wish you the best whatever you choose to do and may Allah bless you.

  11. Sister,

    You know this man more than what the people who have commented here, they have done the cardinal sin of judging a person from just one side of the story, I was remembered of the story of Dawud(alai) and the two angels, he judged just listening to one side of the story, anyways that was just a detour.

    Men are jealous creatures especially when it comes to their women(Mother, Sister and especially spouse), I am not trying to be judgmental here, but do you have any male friends ?, do you sometimes hang out with them, has your fiance been concerned about it ? It could be that he is completely delusional or he might be reading too much into your "friendship" with a guy.

    I am not trying to say that you are ungrateful, just that you might be sending out the wrong vibes. Just wanted to point that out since it might be something which you think is a mole hole, but to him it might be a mountain. Give him a chance to explain himself ? Listen to him even though he seems highly irrational.

    One last thing sister, not to pick up the haraam gun, when you are in the "fiance-zone" these things are always expected, unless your Nikah is done, you are still unlawful to him, no matter what the circumstances are and was putting off your marriage due to "financial strains and other commitments" really worth it, cuz right now your whole future is in jeopardy ? This would not have happened in the first place if you are married, there is barakah in marriage, not in "engagements" which has nothing to do with Islam.

    I hope you understand my concern for you as a sister of my deen, I would give the very same advice to my own sister if she was in such a situation.

    Fix your relationship and while you at it try to improve your relationship with Allah and May he make you wise and guide you towards Him

    - Your Brother

    • I wont write a long paragraph but i would like to share my own feeling what hurts me like the way you are facing.. My engangment has break due to any non solid reason.. I have no more witness to prove myself except Allah... Time pass rapidly but i still belive on Almighty Allah.. InshAllah He will prove my innocence in front of all who consider me wrong.. Marical happens with those who have firm faith on Allah.. People get jealouse on little things but they cant distruct anything without permittion Allah.. HE IS great mediator n he knows who is good.. He is near as to our jugler vain.. N He says.. There is a good time after hardship. Keep patcient.. Allah give good reward to those who give full atthority to Allah to sattle their matters... This is good for you if you are good in front of Allah but bad in eye of people as compere to if you are bad in front of Allah but good in people eyes... Keep calm.. Keep faith.. Maricals happen.. M waiting too for marical happens to my life.. May Allah resolve your hardship.. Prey indeed... Thankyou.. ALLAH is good lisner.. Ask him in sajood.. He will help us inshllah....

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