Is it wrong to intervene on my wife when she is talking to our children?
I am a a british born Pakistani, practising Muslim and my wife is Pakistan born and bred. I am not too familiar with the ways of Pakistani culture and try to keep balance and respectful of any cultural differences that may arise between our way of life together.
My wife tells me never to interrupt/intervene when she is scolding the children (age 6 & 9) when they have been misbehaving. I have done this at times when she is either beating them too aggressively or when I need to fill her in on what had gone on before she entered the room to directly confront them (usually without checking with me).
Finally after many years of marriage she tells me where this rule of hers originates from. Her parents had told her that a father or mother should not interrupt the other parent whilst they are speaking to the child. I have always thought that the wife should give priority to her husband over children. She often preaches that "No, my mother comes first after God". And I often have to remind her that her mother is not residing in our home ( I have my own home) and that there is no conflict there, so why bring her up? I advise her that she has a duty to obey her husbands requests, to stop whatever she is doing and come to me or listen to me. I do not treat her badly nor am I disrespectful to her and don't put to practise this (duty) rule harshly. Only when I have a genuine or urgent and altogether reasonable need, I would exercise this duty of her.
Please tell me, is there anywhere in Islam or indeed even in the Pakistani culture that dictates it is wrong for one parent to intervene on the other when talking to their children?
Brothers and sisters, I am looking forward to reading your supporting words so that I may do the right thing.
~Yallakhan
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Salaam brother, i am a british pakistani myself and so is my wife, when bringing up the kids its a shared responsibility and i dont think your wifes rule is correct in anyway and her treatment of children is so wrong, you should not beat them, why do this, when they were born they bought us happyness and tears, and now they are older we bring pain and tears of sadness in their eyes this is not the way, culture or not, one must feel sad when inflicting such pain on children, if a child is seriously misbehaving then a light clip round the ear and no sweets or cut down tv time to minimum, this way child learns consequences of his action and wont repeat, do not beat him so that he is left hurt, that is cruel and i cant believe anyone could stand and watch that, i certainly havent and never will.
You should intervene since you are father, your kids should know your the highest figure of authority and not their mother, for example if my wife tells my kids they can play outside for a hour, after that time kids will ask me if they can stay longer, and if i say yes then they will if not then they come back in, i am main figure of authority, that dosent mean dont follow mother but fathers decision is final, you should employ the same system with your wife, if she hits the child ask her to stop and deal with them yourself, she is not the head of the house and you must step up and make that clear, ignore her past or her rules, your house, your kids, your rules, she cannot take your role for herself.
Raising children is the best job on earth, its beauiful and exciting, but everyone has their role and the father plays a big part in their development, its is very uncommon the woman takes lead and father step back, as you also mention she stops you speaking even when you try and explain why kids misbehaving, she has no right brother, you are head of house, if you want to deal with children you dont need her permission, do as you wish, i have not heard of this in my culture either, its always the man.
I will say finally, dont hit your kids unless they do something extremely bad because they dont deserve it, i have come across people who kick kids because they spill their drink, its a kid how can they know, it takes time to learn. educate your children and take lead, teach them about islam and how they should behave, children should be the reason for our happyness, not the victims of our rath, may Allah bless us all with kids and may he guide us so we treat them right and keep them on the right path, Ameen
I hope i was of help brother.
Salaam brother. I am not aware of British or Pakistani culture and am myself a new Muslim but I think children are the responsibility of both the parents and hence you have full right to intervene when you feel it is required.
Now, one point here, yes, it is true that one parent should not intervene too much when the other parent is talking, as, by this, the kids take the parent (who was intervened) lightly. On the same hand it should not be that only one parent interacts with the kids and the other sits silently even if they are being beaten by the other.
By your description I feel that your wife treats the kids bit harshly (Allah s.w.t. forgive me for my ignorance if I am wrong), in this case gradually you should take control. You can show her your kids pics when they were babies and remind her of those times when she was carrying them, this may soften her heart towards them. You can hang life size photos of them when they were cute little babies so that she sees those pics every time she enters that room.
Now, it is in your hands to take the rein of the family and explain her that parenting is the duty of both mother and father. Make her understand that change is the way of life, whatever our forefathers did, we may not do because with time it becomes obsolete, so is the rule that only mother raises the kids and the father is a mere spectator.
Explain to her that there are certain 'man' things (for ex- using a screw driver) which only a man can teach and not a woman and vice-versa. If you give her enough examples, hope gradually she will understand.
May Allah s.w.t. guide you, He knows the best.
As-salāmu 'alaikum.
Sister, hanging pictures or showing pictures in the house is a big sin, a source of curse, and an attraction to the worst of the devils, and on top of that, any prayer in that house will never be accepted so long as the pictures are hung up.
Hope you see this message.
Salaam brother,
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for correcting me.
I will keep this in mind.
I thank you very much for taking the advice B â r a k a l l â h u f î k, you are better than many people who learn the hard way.
One man was telling his friend how he ran out of his house petrified when he saw a change in the eye colour of a picture of an Arab king he hung up.
Salaam waleikum waragmatoelah hibrakatoe,
my dear brother after reading your reply I got very interested.
Can you tell me if this also applies to my situation ?
I am 19 years old and live with my parents, the house is not myn and my parents are not that practicing....
Are you telling me that all my prayers over the years are nullified or from this moment onward that I read your post ?
Keep in mind I am sure I have no control over the pictures in house, they will call me an extremist and won't remove the pictures. mostly because they have emotional attachment to them, like baby pictures etc.
May Allah bless you, awaiting your reply brother,
Salaam waleikum
Brother, im sure there is atleast one room which does not have a picture hung up, forgive me for my ignorance if i'm wrong.if there is not, then breifely remove them whilst praying.
Your prayers over the years are not nullified, same as a person who did not kow the direction ofthe ka'bah and he used to pray in a wrong direction, even if someone falls into shirk and disbelief who isn't aware of it, he is not accounted for his shirk, even if he died upon it
"And whomever differs with the messenger after the truth has been made clear to him
we will leave him to what he has chosen and bring the fire to him, what an evil destination"
al-Nisâ
If your parents are sincere but they just dont know, inshâllâh they will accept when you tell them that their beloved prophet[s] commanded them to remove the pictures.
Make Du'â for them to accept the truth when it comes.
If they pray, then inform them the Salâh is not accepted with pictures around.
Make Du'â for your parents.
And congrajulations on you becomming muslimah, im very happy for you māshāllāh.
dear brother ,
dont make it an issue of whos word is final or who is incharge here. your wife might find it as if you are trying to put her on a lower level, which actually you are not. you just dont want your kids to be disiplined the way she is doing. beating children is common in pakistani culture, and it is not considered an abuse. it is more like a stitch in time saves nine!. ofcourse some just do it out of habbit or take out their frustrations on children.
you both mean well. sometimes when children are being scolded ( for all the right reasons) if one of the other parent interfere children then dont consider that scolding parent or that bad act seriously. so its important that you both agree together that you will not over rule each other when it comes to children. i think more important is that you both talk about it together and come to a final conclusion what will be the boundaries for children.
talk to your wife , without bringing her mom or culture in question, how you would like to bring up children. like certain rules . no slaping on face, no locking in toilets, no burning with match sticks, no insulting kids in front of others. be very polite with her when talking to her, as at first she will take it as if you are questioning her own upbringing.
moms always think they know the kid more. which they actually do because they are with them more of the time. dads are usually at work. chidren also become more naughty with moms. sometimes they do need a stern look or no interfering when they are being scolded. ofcourse harsh beating is not the way.
PS: make her watch supernanny ! my mother learned a lot while she was training my sisters kids. .
Salaam,
It would be best not to discuss this issue in front of your children. Already your wife has set a division between you as parents by not allowing you to be involved with the discipline of your children, children can easily sense these issues and take advantage, or feel sad that their parents are divided and then mis-behave more.
It would be good to resolve this issue in privacy, then face your children as a united front. This will perhaps make your children mis-behave more at first, but ultimately the knowledge that their parents are respecting each other and in turn treating them more fairly, will enable them to change their behaviour, they may even feel more safe in the knowledge that ther parents have ther best interests at heart (especially if they are no longer being physically chastised).
Please do not think that child rearing practices cannot be changed, do not let your wfe tell you that 'this (her way) is the only way, because it has always been this way'. Children are adaptive and respond well to positive changes very quickly.
I used to spank my son when he was young, it leads no where but to more spanking, ask your wife this," if spanking works why are you still having to spank them?" Many years ago I apologised to my son sincerely and asked for his forgiveness. I raised my daughter without any physical punishment.
I would like to offer a couple of tips from my experiences:
Try not to threaten chldren with punishments that are not realistic, like 'no TV for a week!, grounded for a month!' as it will be hard to carry out, and will in turn undermine your authority.
Small consequenses like, 'I will not discuss this with you/I will not speak to you until you have stopped shouting/screaming/misbehaving'
Positive consequences like, 'You behaved really well today, lets go to the park/read an extra story/play a game
Hope all goes well.
I think your wife should not beat the children full stop, but in my household if my husband is discipling the kids i never get involved and visa verse if we have any criticism we do not do it in front of the kids, i think it is disrespectful for a parent to take their children's side against the other parent or to think that because your the father only you can decide if they deserve to get in trouble for their behaviour, its very important for children to see consistence and that the parents are on the same page or they will play you off one another and then you have not benefited your child at all,...insha'Allah Khay,