Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Lost my partner’s trust, we are broken

broken trust, trust, broken marriage, lies

I have been in a relationship for some time with a man who always treated me the best he possibly could. We had plans to get married- or at least tell our parents in the next 6 months. Our relationship was always so passionate and loving, and I ended up give him my virginity. It was an 'in the moment' thing, and although we both know it is a grave sin, we always thought we would get married...so the severity was somewhat dampened.

I had lied to him about my past relationships, about how many people I had seen before him. He had always trusted me blindly, never questioned anything I told him, and made me aware from the very start that he can not tolerate lies and that it would be impossible to regain his trust if I broke it. After the lies first started coming out, I still hid the complete truth and so he forgave me and stayed with me. But even still, he had doubts, and every time he would confront me I would tell him he is being paranoid. This led to him feeling mentally tortured and anxious, but I had no idea my lies were causing him pain to this extent.

He always needed me to be a more practicing Muslim. I always wore hijab, but not in the correct way, and my clothes were usually short and fitted. He told me these concerns of his, as his family wouldn’t accept me this way, so I began to make some changes. But he always felt I wasn’t trying hard enough, as I was still not at the correct level for his mum to accept me. This also caused tension between us. There came many breaking points, but we always managed to get back together because our love was so strong.

Recently, all of the lies came out. He had asked me for the full truth, as his gut was telling him I had hidden so much. I told him some truths and then swore it was everything. He then begged me that there was more and I should come clean so I told him a few more things but still hid others. He then said he would go to my ex-friends and ask them if I didn’t come clean myself. Afraid of the humiliation, I told him every detail. I explained to him that I never wished to hurt him, and my intentions were always pure.

He believes it’s impossible for me to be so unaware of his pain. He feels he was tortured, manipulated and deceived for all of this time. I have lost him completely and I feel myself breaking more and more. I need him to come back into my life. I need to rebuild his trust. I know he still loves me, and I will always love him. But he is cutting me out of his life. I do not see him on a regular basis and we don’t not text much.

Please advise me on how I can regain the trust of someone whose experiences have made it hard for him to trust others.

anon.islamhelp

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11 Responses »

  1. Aslam alikum w.w.ho
    Sister I read your story as you could explain well first of all every person has own right that he/she can enjoy or live his/her life and everyone has his past as you and we have also so it is not big deal that you had your past right and if you hid from him that me you had afraid of losing him that clear mean that you love him and don't want to lost and hurt him well you didn't lie with him anything you had just hid okay and if you want to get back him then just go and try to explain him everything and if his love is true he will believe on you again and rejoin you if he don't then please don't stop your life take next step as he is doing right hope you will get happy life again.

  2. Firstly I am sorry that you lost this man, I am certain that you may have loved him very much, But what you did in your past has nothing to do with him, who you saw has nothing to do with him, the fact that he was okay with sleeping with you knowing full well it was wrong, what makes him so perfect? And from what I can see he just wants to change you, you must change to suit his mother, what kind of love is that? maybe the reason why he is gone is because he is not good for you, he slept with you and taken your purity and he wants you to change, maybe he should consider changing himself first, he cant behave like holier than thou when he is committing Zina, when he met you at first he liked what he saw, your dressing etc, changing ones self is a process and you do it for yourself not because someone is telling you to, also you do it for Allah's pleasure, but if you changing everything about yourself to suit his needs and his mom's you will end up hating the change and you will end up despising him.
    There will be a man that will come into your life and love you with all your mistakes and love you for you.

    • Mashallah, very, very good advice. May Allah reward you.

      Yusuf Ahmed
      Editor - Islamicanswers.com

      • Good advise ?
        No one has tried to tell her about grave sin is Zina and Allah will punish for it if not repented sincerely..Rather more time is focused on talking bad about that boyfriend who too did this grave sin ..Even there too people are commenting out how he can change you ..
        That means Zina is becoming cool and not a bid deal for above guys ?
        Definetly not a good advise .

        • Listen Mr Cool, I was providing advise to the broken hearted, who are you to decide what advise is correct? Didn't Islam also teach you that you shouldn't judge others? That's why I mentioned Zina, I am giving advise to the broken hearted and not giving advise to you, give advise and don't comment on other peoples advice, if you don't like it be quiet!

      • What kind of good advice is that? Many people here have lost their moral compass. I see her problem with her boyfriend as very small and minor problem compared to what she has done of violating the sacred limits of Allah, and isn't even repentant of it.

        • She had many boyfriends in the past, lost her virginity but yet wears a hijab not that properly. There will be a time when hijabi woman will still look naked, according to hadit.

          • Abdullah ibn Mas’ud reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “No one who has the weight of a seed of arrogance in his heart will enter Paradise.” Someone said, “But a man loves to have beautiful clothes and shoes.” The Prophet said, “Verily, Allah is beautiful and He loves beauty. Arrogance means rejecting the truth and looking down on people.” (Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 91)

    • I agree this is good advice.

  3. I'm afraid to say you have lost him for good. In similar circumstances usually what happens is that the couple would come back together in the end but the damage would already be there. The one who got lied to would never believe you and would always convict you of something and believe it, even if it wasn't true.

    Afraid to say you lost him for good due to your toxic behaviour.. Perhaps its a sign from the almighty for him to stay away from you.

    From a religion point of view Break all contact with this guy Learn your deen then come back and get your mahram involved if you're interested in someone

  4. Assalaamualaykum Sister,

    You write: I need him to come back into my life. I need to rebuild his trust. I know he still loves me, and I will always love him. But he is cutting me out of his life. I do not see him on a regular basis and we don’t not text much.

    First off, you do not need him in your life. You desire for him to be in it. You need Allah. If you feel like you need him, and also for your highest good, I encourage you to cut off contact with this brother. Do not chase someone who does not value you for you. You will end up degrading yourself. Codependence is not a good thing.

    Also for the future, you did not need to expose sins of yours that Allah has kept concealed, and he shouldn't have prodded you for them. You have him on a pedestal right now, but with ample time away from him, you will see that he is just another human such as yourself, with things he also needs to work on.

    When you say you "know" he loves you, this is most likely wishful thinking based on your intimacy with him. Maybe some denial. Time away from him will give you perspective. A God-fearing man who really loves you will show it and pursue it in the appropriate way...it won't be a secret. It will be easy.

    I think it would be wise to take this experience as a learning lesson and apply it to the relationship with your future husband, inshallah.

    Hugs,

    Nor

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