Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Male seeking advice regarding marriage without parents’ consent

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Culture clash

Assalamualaikum...brothers and sisters,

I have been in love with a woman from another country (Turkey) for the past three years. We have met each other twice in these years.We understand that what we have done is a great sin, and should not be taken lightly so we ask for Allah's forgiveness everyday. I have promised to marry her and have been introduced to her parents online.

I had told my parents about her and have told them about my decision to marry her, but my parents are not at all willing to accept my decision because nobody has ever married anyone from outside our community. They fear that by  doing so, they will be insulted  in their society.They also reason that since she and her family are from another region of the world (Europe), their family and moral values won't be on par with ours.

I feel these reasons are not true to our Islamic values, since no group among us must feel superior to another particular group, and only Allah knows who is truly righteous. I really want to honor my promise and exercise my freedom to marry whoever I want to marry as a Muslim male, and by doing so I will be more at peace with myself and my deen. The only thing stopping me from doing so right now is the fear of how my community will treat my parents. I am really confused, and I seek sincere advice from all my brothers and sisters.

I pray that Allah gives all those who might advise me the right intellect, sensitivity and guidance required for this task.


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7 Responses »

  1. Assalaamu alaykum brother,

    Your parents consent is not necessary for you to marry as you are a male from a fiqh point of view. You seem to understand this, but are worried about the practical ramifications of going against your cultural norms.

    My advice to you would be to definitely marry this girl. You are actually doing your society a favour by smashing the idols that they have put up. Allah SWT says in the Quran not to make haraam what is halal, and that is exactly what your community is doing. They are disobeying Allah SWT by putting psychological pressure or outright forcing their youth to marry with non-Islamic criterion. Your community is involved in a GRAVE sin. You will be helping your community and future youth by breaking a social taboo, and inshaAllah if you do it then other people will realize the real boundaries of Islam. Think about how many other youth in your community might be in your same situation; if you take the lead and break these Satanic barriers, then you may also be liberating other youth trapped in the same spot as you.

    Wa salaam.

  2. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    I agree with you and I agree with AnonymousYouth.

    I will add that you may want to talk to your parents about trials in this life. We can think of trials as being a burden and something to be feared and it is natural to feel that way, but they are also a rehmah, a blessing, an opportunity to improve ourselves. Through trials we are able to correct our behaviour, face our fears, come closer to Allah swt and our journey comes closer to being realigned with the straight path.

    If you, out of fear, marry a girl that your parents choose from your cultural background on that reason alone and reject the current girl for cultural reasons alone, it may very well be that everything will move perfectly forward. There may just be a happy ending afterall, but the lesson will have been lost and the trial never tested.

    We do not learn to appreciate without loss. We do not learn to correct without mistakes. We do not learn without trials and it is that simple.

    No doubt your parents may face some opposing views in the community including gossip. But those who gossip and cause grief in others' lives do so without cause. Furthermore, your parents seem to have an unhealthy fear of their community--maybe your decision will help them overcome it, inn shaa Allah.

    I pray that your difficulties are replaced with ease, Ameen.

    • I definitely agree with SHOULD marry her .....this is how you will show your sincerity to Allah by asking for forgiveness and correct your mistake.....go a head and do not hesitate a bit......may Allah forgive you and all of us.

  3. Salam Brother,

    It's good that you have made a decision to marry her. I agree with everyone else you are doing the right thing. You don't need your parents permission, but I understand all good kids want their parents blessings and want their parents to be happy too. This would have been the case if it wasnt for these backward cultural traditions that make people's lives so difficult.

    I have seen many people suffering in inter ratial marriages because of these societies who cannot accept anything! As long as what you are doing is right according to Islam, you need to stand up to these people and not let them get to you or your parents.

    Speak to your parents and tell them your feelings and try to get them aboard. Discuss how to handle relatives and community. I think you need to firmly and politely tell them that what you are doing is not haram and they need to accept it. The way to survive in the cultural community is to ignore them and stand up to any bad comments and just carry on. They'll find something else to talk about in a few weeks, you'll be old news in no time!

  4. Salaams,

    I can't say that your parents will or will not be insulted by their community. It does happen. But you are right, using that as a reason not to marry is not Islamic.

    Ultimately the choice is yours. A lot of time people make decisions out of fear, trying to avoid some thing they think will be disasterous. Most of the time people regret such decisions. Although it's caring of you to want your parent's reputation to be upheld, in the end any ridicule they would receive would count as rewards on their account because they were suffering for something right and true, in shaa Allah.

    One thing to consider is this: whenever social progress is made, the first person to take a step will get flack. Think of Rosa Parks, the black woman in the South who refused to give up her seat for a white man. She caught a lot of flack and ridicule, but she also inspired others around her to stand up and effect change. This resulted in the complete cultural transformation of segregation in the US. It's very possible that by standing up for what is right, you will be the one to spark the change in your community, as well.

    -Amy Editor

  5. I say man up and marry her u don't need ur parents on board for this yknow ? U are a man now u gotta put ur for down respectfully and say I'm marrying this girl I thinks she's amazing and I want you to accept her.

  6. I am in the same situation my parents don't agree 100% due to the society but I said she's a muslim I am also a hafiz, she is turkish and her parents don't quite agree because of the culutural differences. But we love each other a lot and we always ask for forgiveness, we both are religious. But now we have stopped talking due to her parents saying no multiple times and what we are doing is wrong but we still love each other. I have not met her parents but she had said her mum rejected me and her dad said the same and also said that we're too young. We're both 20 years of age, but we are extremely mature we know a lot about relationships.

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