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My husband has online relations with other women

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Internet porn addiction can destroy a marriage

Question:

Salam alakum,

I need advice and help,. I feel so alone and confused..  I'm married (2 years islamcally) 1 yr 4 months registered..  I met my husband online 4 years ago, a few times over the time we met I discovered he was talking online to females and joining weird fetish groups for sexual relief.. . I would discover many times what he did, but I knew deep down he is a good man. and I stood by him believing him every time he said sorry and that he had done tawba over his mistakes.

He then came to the. UK in 2007 when we married islamically, but. I discoved again that he had not only been talking online but went to meet a women for his fetish..  He said they only met and nothing else happened, and again said sorry..  Again. I forgave him, all seemed ok, his parents come too the. UK and we married.

Later, I discoved he had been going online trying to talk to women again with his fetish..  The thing that almost destroyed me was that. I found he had done this the night before we married..  But again as normal I forgave him.

He went back to his country when his visa finished and again we continued online and me going to meet him in his country, and again finding he had been going online..  He kept telling me online isn't real and. I shouldnt think for one moment it is real that life online is only fake, and again. I forgave him.

We married in Egypt and he finally came here on a visa, but. I found on his computer so many fetish films etc, but. I just deleted them and forgot about it not mentioning it to him.

He didn't ask me either if I had deleted them, but he knew it would have been me..  All seemed fine and. I tried to trust him,. I prayed everyday that Allah will help him, but yesterday. I found out he has been whilst at work calling women..  He said he didn't know the numbers so. I called one, the women told me that. I am at fault for letting him deal me this way, and the only person to blame is me saying. I am weak.

I felt so dirty, I sat down with him and asked him why he keeps doing this to me and why am. I not enough for him..  He said he's sorry, . and we talked but when. I tried to ask why and how he can do this without thinking how he is hurting me he says I'm selfish and turns it on me.

I find myself asking what I'm doing wrong. It's not the obvious reason where people will say. I dont give him sex, as I'm always the one asking and waiting for it..  He is always tired because of work and when we do finally have sex he just jumps in the bath and wants to eat, whereas. I weant to lay down and cuddle and talk.

I can't talk to anyone about this as everyone thinks he is such a good pious man..  I can't ask for help at the mosque as the imam there also thinks he is a good man and. I can't let anyone know otherwise.. . I can't talk to any of his family as he has already told me if. I ever told anyone about what he has done he would kill me.

I can't talk to anyone, I'm alone truely. I pray for help,. I pray for Allah to help him..  I can't eat,. I can't think of any thing else..  I want to trust him,. I know he has lied and cheated on me and I'll never know if he has ever done anything more than chat, or if that woman was the only one he met.

What can. I do? . I told him he is sinning, and his reply is the sin could be much worse..  Help please.

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

I admire your desire to be a good wife and stand by your husband, but in the situation as you describe it, I would recommend that you RUN, don't walk, to get away from him, get a divorce, and get on with your life. It is so hard to admit to yourself and your family that you made a mistake, but don't let embarrassment keep you in what is an very dysfunctional marriage.

Men who are addicted to porn, and men who have fetishes, are exceedingly difficult to treat. As you see, he is in complete denial of his condition. if he truly wished to reform, he would have to go to a licensed counselor or psychologist or psychiatrist and get into intense counseling. Even that is not guarantee as this type of disorder is difficult to treat and has a high relapse rate.

If is of course not necessary for you to tell people why you are divorcing. It would be better to not say anything, because you should not reveal his sin and you should not expose yourself to the fallout from letting such a thing be known. If anyone asks, simply say that the divorce came about due to a situation that was impossible to tolerate, and that it is between you and Allah. Your real friends and your family will support you; others do not matter a bit.

We women often have a desire to "fix" problems in our menfolk, and when we can't, we feel that the shortcoming is ours. Don't ever let yourself think this way. This is HIS sickness, not yours. It is not your job to sit by and be the dutiful wife while he is committing zinaa and possibly bringing home a disease that can hurt you, render you unable to have children, or even kill you. You have a duty to yourself before you have a duty to a man who is doing these reprehensible acts. You have shown him sympathy and loyalty - now show some to yourself.

I pray that you have the strength to quickly and cleanly cut your marriage to this man and start to rebuild your life. Take as much time as you need to "mourn" the death of your marriage, but recognize that divorce is better than a marriage filled with bitterness and regret. Allah is testing you in this but it is not meant to be a life sentence. You deserve better, and inshAllah you will get it in time.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

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20 Responses »

  1. asaslamu alaikum,

    sis its seems to me hes a liar, cheat and a disgrace to the male race. il tell you some men are good at sweet talk its jus lip service so i suggest you take the leave cos at the end you are the one who will be hurt.
    there is no point in fixing the relationship if he doest make the effort.

    ma salama

  2. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    I admire your desire to be a good wife and stand by your husband, but in the situation as you describe it, I would recommend that you RUN, don't walk, to get away from him, get a divorce, and get on with your life. It is so hard to admit to yourself and your family that you made a mistake, but don't let embarrassment keep you in what is an very dysfunctional marriage.

    Men who are addicted to porn, and men who have fetishes, are exceedingly difficult to treat. As you see, he is in complete denial of his condition. if he truly wished to reform, he would have to go to a licensed counselor or psychologist or psychiatrist and get into intense counseling. Even that is not guarantee as this type of disorder is difficult to treat and has a high relapse rate.

    If is of course not necessary for you to tell people why you are divorcing. It would be better to not say anything, because you should not reveal his sin and you should not expose yourself to the fallout from letting such a thing be known. If anyone asks, simply say that the divorce came about due to a situation that was impossible to tolerate, and that it is between you and Allah. Your real friends and your family will support you; others do not matter a bit.

    We women often have a desire to "fix" problems in our menfolk, and when we can't, we feel that the shortcoming is ours. Don't ever let yourself think this way. This is HIS sickness, not yours. It is not your job to sit by and be the dutiful wife while he is committing zinaa and possibly bringing home a disease that can hurt you, render you unable to have children, or even kill you. You have a duty to yourself before you have a duty to a man who is doing these reprehensible acts. You have shown him sympathy and loyalty - now show some to yourself.

    I pray that you have the strength to quickly and cleanly cut your marriage to this man and start to rebuild your life. Take as much time as you need to "mourn" the death of your marriage, but recognize that divorce is better than a marriage filled with bitterness and regret. Allah is testing you in this but it is not meant to be a life sentence. You deserve better, and inshAllah you will get it in time.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  3. Assalamualaikum..

    I have been facing the very same situation...i have understand my husband as well..but really he cannot stop and i dont know what to do...

    when i'm seeing him doing like this,,im crying and then he will shout at me..then it will be fight again...i plan to stay with him...inshaallah he will change,,,but this online cchatting is addicting...i dont know why..

    are they not feel guilty if they are browsing girls knowing that the wife is just within the house???do they not fear the sin they are committing??? i am too..wa devastated...maybe even worse....and i dont know what to do...

    they say,,be patient ....i have tried...but letting him do this in front of you,,,was it justice at all?????
    he said its just chatting and in time,,he will stop....but when...

    porn websites and online chatting (it depneds) was really made by shaytan....coz the men are very weak on the flesh of a woman..

    the never know or they dont want to realize now,,,what would be ask on them on judgement day...

    i wan to runaway....was it acceptable???

    i am also confused as i want to save the marriage..

    jazakkallahu khayr

  4. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum, Sr. Fatima,

    As I told bluesky, it is noble to want to "stand by your man" and help him with this issue, but if there is no recognition on his part that what he is doing is haraam, then it is a hopeless situation. Not only are you PERMITTED to seek separation or divorce, it would almost become obligatory on you, because if you stay, you will subject yourself to humiliation and the knowledge that your husband is committing zinaa of the feet by walking to the computer, zinaa of the hands by typing in the websites, and zinaa of the eyes by looking at the haraam. ACTUAL zinaa may be just over the horizon.

    If you stay, you become what is called an "enabler". By still being there, cooking his breakfast, washing his laundry, and taking care of his other needs, you are providing him with the ability and time to visit these porn sites. Short of taking the computer and throwing it out the window, there is nothing you can do while in the house to stop him. If there is a glimmer of hope, it is that you will get yourself together and leave. The shock of your absence may, and I say MAY, wake him up and make him realize that he has a problem. People who are addicted often have to lose a lot before they acknowledge the addiction.

    If you decide to be patient and put up with his openly horrible behavior, you are not "saving" the marriage. You are condemning yourself to ongoing misery. That is not what a healthy marriage consists of. A real marriage involves a husband and a wife who are striving to please Allah and who mutually advise one another and help each other to improve.

    My recommendation for any woman who is married to a man who is deep in addiction, be it drugs, porn, fetishes, gambling, etc., is to make an honest effort to talk to him, spend time bringing educated men from the community or his family to counsel him, and if, after a time of honest sincere effort, he seems to still not be listening, then GET OUT. I think both of you have spent enough time embroiled in this situation to see how serious it is. Now is the time to go to a safe place to begin your healing process. You cannot "fix" your husbands, and you cannot force them to give up their addictions. You can work on yourself, and if inshAllah the husband wakes up, overcomes his challenge, and begins to live a life that is pleasing to Allah, if it is Allah's will for you to get back together, He will cause it to come about. If not, then you can get on with your life with no regrets.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah

  5. Salaam, please sisters read up on Stokholm Syndrome as a means to understand yourselves. Its not really an issue of what is wrong with him - its clear and obvious what is wrong with him. Of greater importance is to understand for yourselves what is going on in your mind, or your history or your experiences in life to make you feel such a strong bond and loyalty toward someone who treats you at this level of bad? Do you feel you are unworthy of being treated well?
    Your husband is an addict - that means the addiction comes first. FIRST. That will not change until he hits rock bottom - with alcohol, rock bottom is no friends, no money. repossessed house. With sex..? Whats rock bottom with that? I dread to think. I dont want to think.
    Best thing for you is to see a professional who can help you recover from your feelings of low self worth, and help you keep yourself together and keep your strength up whilst you do the right thing and leave him.
    Jasmine

  6. Salaams Jasmine,

    Thank you for mentioning the Stockholm Syndrome. I've heard a terrible case which can be understood through this syndrome. The woman was held captive and grossly mistreated by her husband for years. However, she became so psychologically affected by this that even when she had the opportunity to run away, she wouldnt - because she had become emotionally attached to him.

    So yes, I think its a good idea to read about this as it may help sisters to know that these feelings are recognised and not alien. They can be helped inshaAllah...

  7. The Stockholm syndrome??? I think i have it!! I never thought i would have it... I knew about women who were so repressed and suppressed in a bad marriage that their personality was destroyed and they preferred to stay! I thought that is impossible! And now that I am faced with a cheating husband of 6 years, I am having difficulty leaving him... feeling i have become so used to this marriage, and though telling him repeatedly that it's over, secretly hoping there is still another chance. I hate myself for this cowardice. I have actually stayed so long indoors that i am afraid to go out again! I mean, the only interaction i have had all these years is with mine and his family when we meet. Now I keep thinking if I leave him, what will happen, what will become of me?? Allah help me, and us all!

  8. alsalam alikom
    just want to advice you something if you don't solve it now you will continue suffering from it all your life, same here on and off forgiveness and on again and again tell 23 years of my life gone. and i really regret why I didn't run from the begening why I kept scared from leaving. and now after 4 kids scared to leave them and go. and that dirty thing still going on and on. i want to tell you run that thing will never be solved

  9. salam,

    my problem is kind of the same. only difference is that i havent caught him with a woman yet but i hav seen him check them out - oggling at them daily...literally bending over to see them and smile. sometimes when he is driving he'l see a girl from a distance, from the back and would just stare at her for ages - THIS IS FROM A GOOD LONG DISTANCE! and as he approaches her he'l turn his head to get a good look at her front, but that wont be good enough, so he'l stare her out in the rare view mirror! most cases he said 'woah' when he saw a girl all tarted up and obviously pleasing to his eyes. its heart breaking bcos ive confronted him and argued with him about this many times but he jst turns it on me, sometimes would hit me, throw me off the bed, make me sleep on the floor! depends on where we are, he'l makesure he'l get me out of his face somehow. he has no remorse. sometimes has said ''so, if she's infront of me i would look, if she looks good i would look, there aint nothing wrong with that, i dont care bi*ch''. its like he doesnt care or understand that this is wrong, he is a married man for crying out loud! why is this filthy act so necessary for him?
    most days he'l see a grl he likes and bang on about how pretty she is, he'l try to find out about her. there are times he'd see a girl on tv and then go online to research her background as he found her attractive. this aint normal behaviour for a married man. he does porn and especially indian porn-im guessing cos he is asian himself thats why, even in ramzan.nothing will stop him from checking women out, NOTHING!

    the funny thing is, if i was to be in a room with a man, a relative even he'd say dnt be in the same room as him...as in to say its not right if he aint a mahram. everyone thinks he is a good man, innocent but he aint. he comes home so late and stays out almost everyday. we barely see eachother or talk yet he is thinks thats okay. he doesnt want a child with me, he never asks, never bothers.he doesnt even notice me, only when he needs his food or something to benefit him would he ask me. i can even look extemely pretty, dress up-he'd look right pass me!
    im depressed in this marriage but i love him so much i cant do anything about it. i cant talk to anyone bcos its embarassing. im lonely and have no one to turn to. as i write this, he is in the livingroom 5am in the morning online doing alsorts and iam in my room. how sad!!!

    • "depressed", you need to leave this man right away. The real problem is not that he looks at women (thought that is bad enough) but that he hits you and abuses you. Get out and divorce him.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • hi, can you for your reply. but i really feel bad for backbiting about my husband. can the administrator of this site PLEASE DELETE MY PREVIOUS POST...PLEASE.
        JZK

        • as-salamualaikum. you are NOT backbitting about your husband when you are going for advice or help. i was once in a very bad situation, and i also felt guilty for backbitting about my husband because i didn't know my rights properly. when someone is mistreating you, you have every right to go for help/advice. it is this thinking that will ruin your life more. you will not tell anybody because you are scared of backbitting/ humiliating him, but the problems in your marriage might escalate to the point that you will lose love and respect for your husband permenantly. isn't it better to get help and advice than to ruin your happiness and life? it might even happen that you are keeping all these feelings inside you, and when they do come out, you are not going to be behaving like a righteous woman. you will love talking behind his back until you overcome and release all the issues you had with him.

  10. hi, PLEASE CAN YOU DELETE MY THREAD. I DONT WANT IT THERE ANY LONGER. ID APPRECIATE IT. THANKS

  11. Asalamu aleikum sister Depressed.

    I would shortly say, you have seen that your husband is cheating on you and does not care of Allah`s boarders like stopping looking at non-mahram women let alone watching fetish films or making any extramarital affairs.

    If you have surely seen this behavior at your husband and not suspicion nor jealousy, and you have told your him to stop this kind of pictures(his unacceptable behavior) and did nothing yet then SINCERELY LEAVE THIS MAN FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH AND ALLAH WILL REWARD YOU OF YOUR DEEDS INSHA ALLAH OTHERWISE NEXT DAY YOU ARE ON THE BED WITH SEXUAL TRANSMITTED DISEASES (STD).

    I hope Allah will grant on you faithful, honest, hard working, lovely and acceptable husband insha Allah as you did nothing bad in this situation.

    Sincerely your brother Abdullah.

  12. ass-salamualaikum, he has threatened you with such a serious threat? that he will do that if you tell anybody? this is not normal. wake up. there are some people in the world who use good hearted people to get to their evil motives. i don't know if he really means sorry everytime he says it, but there are people who apologize just for the show of it. there are people that love the fact that somebody is falling for their games and emotional traps, and is scared of their threats and compliant.
    you are a good wife, a good woman, and you deserve to be treated better.
    you can pray and pray, as the creator of the heavens and the earth can do anything.
    you have every right to use any and every resource available to you. i don't care if your husband is respected in the coimmunity or not, you have every right to go to the imam for help. trust me, the imams and religious people know people who are respected in the community but have issues going on. they know what's going on. you are NOT the only one having issues. i also didn't want to humiliate my husband in the community, so i didn't go to the imam. but now years later, even when he has changed and apologized, i regret not going for help. it was my right, and my life was a big mess because of that silly decision i made. i made my problems last longer and go out of hand because i didn't get help.
    sometimes the only thing that needs to change such people is a good environment and good freinds. whwere there are pious people who don't look at women, pious people who don't go to porn. do you know anybody that he looks up to? is that person a good guy? that may be the guy who could change him. sometimes a man just needs a positive role model, and a man to tell him how to treat his wife.

  13. I am so upset and angry to find out my father has recently started going to social networking websites and talking to women. He pretends to be 33 year old Single man. His freindlist has girls from all over the world, some are even at my age. I don't know what to do. He is the only earning person in the family. I am too ashamed to tell my mother or anyone. I know that he won't listen to my mother. I feel like humiliating him, put him in a position so he feels ashamed of what he is doing. He is type of person doesn't listen to anyone. He thinks his actions and thoughts are always right. Who can help me in this situation? I will be getting married in a couple of month. So should I be bringing this up now and cause chaos in my family? But if I get married and leave home, I will always be tensed thinking what's happening back home with my dad. And my mum, my sweet mum. She already is suffering from my dads anger and many more. Please help

    • you know I felt like one of my kids writing about his dad problem, because we as a family pass through exact problem the eldest watching his dad the youngest knew what his dad looking for online the university doughter stoped talking sharing or respect the dad. its sad when me as a mom wish my family be the best not acting as if I have perfect marriage. for this problem I couldn't find any solution its like addiction thing all promises goes as a bubbles pushing to start treatment was a big issue to even think to start with it. even if he promice to change that change stay a wk or two is the max then again dirty sites secret emails online relation sex chat and all this and me as a wife in bed crying how i waste my life feel discusting from my husband. I don't know what to advice you this addiction has no solution.

  14. assalamu alaykum sis this is bad real bad infact disgusting what your hsband doing.but well thata what you get when you dont leave things to ALLAH i mean why go online to meet someone and get marreid obviously if he talked with you online what makes you think he cant talk with other girls infact let me tell you a story i know a guy who is married to a beautiful lovely women but he still cheats on her he committed zina and she has no idea he seems all pious coz he reads quraan fasts yeah and when i asked him now why you committed zina he says i needed to taste someting different now what is that? it seems like your husband is addicted somehow to haraam sex shaytaan alwys makes haraam look and feel nice and halaal boring but that doesnt stop us muslims from doing whats right? right? so its your husband himself who is a pervert and o pls from what you tell i dont see any good in him whats the use of praying then after that you go commit zina.

  15. My story is little different coz my husband gives himself the right for seeing other women as he is looking for a secound wife and he says that he will know as much women as he can till he find the perfect one to be his wife he does not want to make the same mistake again and marry one that is not compatible and perfect for him. His excuse ie that I was bad in bed and don't support him although we now have 4 kids that I take care of mostly alone as he is always at work or out of town and when he is availble he is the fun guy with the presents and all the fun.
    To be honest we got divorced twice and during that time while i was complitly devestated I made the mistake og going online and chating with a guy so when my husband ask me to get back together i agreed coz i love him but when he knew about that chat and asked me about it if i said to him that I love him I lied to him so when he read what i wrote he got angry and said that i don't love him and many other thing and I did for that guy much more that what i gave him which up till this point I don't know what was that as it was only chating but after a long time of tring to make hime forgive me which he never did by the way to me at the beging the only thing made hime take me back that i told him that if getting a 2nd wife will proove it i agree after a while we got back togather without telling me excatly what is his intentions and for the first couple of months it was getting better then I everything got back to the biging he started seeing someone else and treating me coldly and when I talked to him he ya this how I will be happy if you like it and you know what you did so now I feel so bad,rejectedand worthless and in the sametime part of me still loves him i even told him that you are not beeing fair and what you are doing could be sinfull but he did not care a bit and I was the one to blame.
    I do not know what to do now is there any one that can help me, I know what i did was a mistake but what can we stsrt over as I did with what i think that he does not love me but in the sametime he does not want to leave me I am very confused
    Jasakom Allah khiran and sory for the long story

  16. Aslm,many people advise divorce. It is so easy to tell s1 to go for divorce. Dua is the weapon of the beleiver, divorce is destruction not only to one or 2 persons but fitna for the society on which ibliss and his clan rejoice. Make dua, allah is the turner of hearts ,he will arrange. Its a test, be happy and be patient, waiting for janna is better than breaking a mariage and suffering more.

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