My wife wants her ex-husband back
I have been married now for about 2 years, at the beginning everything was fine. Until she started bringing up her ex husband in our conversation which really upsets me. We also argue a lot and when we do my wife says that my "equipment" is not as good as her ex. She recently sat me down and said that her ex got married and if she had the chance she would run back into his arms. I am no saint I make a lot of mistakes, especially when she denies me sex and kicks me out of the bed for really small things. I have hurt her by going on porn and damaged her confidence. I told her "the only reason I went on there is because you wont give me what I need". We have a lot of problems at the moment and just don't know how we can solve them. My wife wants her divorce however I don't because I love her and I don't believe in divorce.
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بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Three women are a burden...one is the woman clinging to her past husband.
The reality check is that the woman always pays the price regardless of her religious background.
Your position on not believing in divorce is highly commendable. He who is patient with an ill-mannered
Wife will have a house like Ayyoub (Job) built for him in the Ganna.
The woman who is patient with a bad-tempered husband will have a palace built for her like The
Wife of Pharaoh. And be married in the Jannah to a martyr of her choice.
As a man once said to his wife of twenty years I will have a house like Ayyoub and you like The Wife
Of Pharaoh.
Fasting is a means of approach to Allah and a wonderful restraint on desires ruining a man inthe
World and the afterlife. Low self-esteem in a marriage afflicted men and women confused as to the
Meaning of sex. Reproduction is glorious . It is the coming together of the heavens and the earths
For purified spouses on a purified marriage bed!! Only Islam. Bismillahو الحمد لله رب العالمين
married for about 2 years, at the beginning everything was fine. ...... my wife says that my "equipment" is not as good as her ex
May be you guys are having 7-yr itch in 2 yrs of marriage. After how long she started bringing up the "equipment" topic. You say "we have lot of problems now. Have you tried marriage counselling?
Salaams,
Personally, I think she may be using her dissatisfaction with you sexually to mask the fact that she just doesn't want to be with you. Maybe she never got over her ex, or maybe the relationship she had with you soured quickly for her, but either way it sounds to me like she's just not committed to your marriage anymore. If she has taken her heart out of it (regardless of the excuse she gives for doing so), it's going to be extremely challenging and potentially impossible to convince her to continue on with you.
I also feel that if she does believe her lack of satisfaction with you sexually is enough to make these types of hurtful statements to you and emotionally leave the marriage, it shows how shallow she is. Maybe it's best to just let a person go as they wish. It's better sometimes to let a woman go in kindness if she's stubbornly focused on being divorced, than to try to hang on and suffer for more months and years because of a misplaced hope.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
ASSALAMALAIKUM
Neither spouse should ever act in a manner that would be injurious or harmful to their conjugal life. Nikah is the sacred tie between husband and wife, that sincere and devoted love without which they cannot attain happiness and peace of mind.
"Women shall have rights similar to the rights upon them; according to what is equitable and just; and men have a degree of advantage over them." (Quran, 2:216)
The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said, "There is no shyness in matters of religion." We often receive questions about these matters at Zawaj.com,
Allah's Messenger (pbuh) said: "In the sexual act of each of you there is a sadaqa." The Companions replied: "O Messenger of Allah! When one of us fulfils his sexual desire, will he be given a reward for that?" And he said, "Do you not think that were he to act upon it unlawfully, he would be sinning? Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully he will be rewarded." (Muslim)
http://www.zawaj.com/straight_talk.html
YOU CAN TRY SOME WAY TO GIVE HER SATISFACTION BY GOING TO SOME DOCTOR TO TAKE ADVICE TO BE MORE LIKE WHAT SHE WANT YOU TI BE REGARDING THE [We also argue a lot and when we do my wife says that my "equipment" is not as good as her ex]
BECAUSE SEXUAL SATISFACTION IS HER RIGHT AND COMPARING THINGS LIKE WHAT SHE IS DOING IS NOT RIGHT BUT THIS WORD CAME FROM HER SHOWS THAT SHE WAS COMPELLED TO TELL THAT-
AFTER CONSULTING AND GETTING SOME REMEDY TO PREPARE AND GIVE WHAT SHE WANTS-[EQ]
STILL THERE IS TIME ITS A SMALL MATTER GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTS-AND SAVE THE MARRIAGE-
CHANCES ARE THERE SO DONT LOOSE HOPE GO OUT TO A ROMANTIC PLACE LIKE A HILL STATION MAKE HER UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE ALSO NOT LESS THAN OTHERS-
THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO BUILD UP THE POINT OF SUBJECT[EQUIPMENT]
IN THIS MODERN SCIENTIFIC ADVANCED WORLD AND THE AVAILIBILITY OF FECILITES YOU MUST TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM AND SOLVE THE MATTER AT TH EARLIEST-
Asalamo Alaikum,
After reading your post I am shocked in what your wife has said to you.
No offense but your wife does not understand the meaning of marriage and relationship.
In a marriage having love for each other is the most important key, not the 'equipment', and it seems that your wife's ex had left her simply because he either didn't love her or loved somebody else.
So why still love someone whom you know that they are very happy without you; while there's already somebody in your life whom CANNOT live without you!
I must say my brother hats off to you for co operating with her harsh words.
I was married with my ex husband for 4 years and he didn't love me at all, in spite of me sacrificing all of my happiness for him. I tried my level best to work my relationship with him and took all of his violence towards me silently, but then there was a point where my life was at risk and I was forced to get separated from him.
So basically my point is that 95% of girls/women gets tortured and violated by their husband and doesn't receive love from them but they still try to work on their marriage, but your wife seems to be still interested in a stone rather than having a diamond right in front of her.
I wish there could've been a way so I could've made your wife understand how lucky she is for having such a loving husband in spite of this being her second marriage, normally no girl/woman gets so much love from their husband if they had been already married previously.
My dear brother just have patience and keep praying to Allah (swt).
Surely Allah (swt) will do good to you sooner or later In Shaa Allah.
Jazak'Allah Khair
AsSalaamu Alaikum Brother,
There is a saying that "If a blind man says let's throw stones, be assured that he has stepped on one." - So be careful before it becomes too late for you to escape. If there are no children between you, I'd advise that you put much thought into this matter and then do what would be the best for your future.
In fact, I am really surprised to hear that a Muslim woman could be so rude like this. I do not believe this is a normal behavior for a real woman, especially a soft-hearted and cautious Muslimah. The prophet (s.a.w.s) has advised us to choose a woman who is religious, but the woman you call your wife here seems to lack even the basic Islamic Adab (manners).
If your wife has reached the final point of disrespect and then requested for a divorce, why not just give it to her, and let her go face the reality of life somewhere else – perhaps, that would lead her to learn from her mistakes and return to Allah.
Anyway, I will not advise you to rush in giving your wife the divorce she requests for. I’d rather advise you to take the responsibility of guiding her to the right path. Since she is insisting on the divorce, then it would be hard to get her attention except through taking her out of that state to another state. Her statement to you indicate that the heart has become very hard, and therefore it needs to be softened.
So what you should do now is to, convenience your wife that you will give her the divorce on the condition that, she would join you in reading some hadeeths of the Prophet (s.a.w.s) for a period of time, and that if both of you are done with reading them, and she still wants to leave, you will give her the divorce InshaAllah.
If she agrees to that, both of you should start reading the below hadeeths and put them into practice. You may want to read 4 to 6 hadeeths each day, and then spend more time together trying to interpret the hadeeths base on your own understanding. For example, you (as the husband) will interpret 2 or 3 hadeeths, and then your wife will also interpret the other 2 or 3 hadeeths.
While both of you do the interpretation, you should try to attach the meaning of the haddeths to your marriage and real life.
Also, both of you should be praying Salatul-Istikharah and asking Allah for guidance in the divorce.
Don’t forget praying your 5 daily salahs everyday (you may also pray them together occasionally), in addition to praying tahajjud together later at some nights.
Here we go, Bismillah!
Oneness, Uniqueness of Allah (Tawheed)
http://sunnah.com/bukhari/97
The Book of Virtue, Enjoining Good Manners, and Joining of the Ties of Kinship
http://sunnah.com/muslim/45
Good Manners and Form (Al-Adab)
http://sunnah.com/bukhari/78
Good Character
http://sunnah.com/malik/47
Jahannam
http://sunnah.com/malik/57
Characteristics of the Day of Judgment, Paradise, and Hell
http://sunnah.com/muslim/52
The Book of Paradise, its Description, its Bounties and its Inhabitants
http://sunnah.com/muslim/53
To make the Heart Tender (Ar-Riqaq)
http://sunnah.com/bukhari/81
The Book of Heart-Melting Traditions
http://sunnah.com/muslim/49
The Book of Zuhd and Softening of Hearts
http://sunnah.com/muslim/55
The Book Pertaining to the Remembrance of Allah, Supplication, Repentance and Seeking Forgiveness
http://sunnah.com/muslim/48
The Book of Repentance
http://sunnah.com/muslim/50
The Chapters on Charity
http://sunnah.com/ibnmajah/15
Sadaqa
http://sunnah.com/malik/58
Prayer at Night (Tahajjud)
http://sunnah.com/bukhari/19
Tahajjud
http://sunnah.com/malik/7
Invocations (du'as)
http://sunnah.com/bukhari/80
The Supplication of the Unjustly Wronged
http://sunnah.com/malik/60
Afflictions and the End of the World
http://sunnah.com/bukhari/92
In addition to the above hadith links, you may also want to buy some good CDs/DVDs with interesting topics related to your marriage issues, and also related to the heart purification and its softening, such as taqwa (piety and consciousness of Allah), sabr (patience) etc. You may get some of these topics free on the internet and on youtube in particular. I already have some of them for you below, InshaAllah.
Qualities of Great Women
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tu5Ko2TaRos
"A Woman of Jannah!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgTuhzL5yRk
A Patient Mother - A Woman Of Jannah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9e35rpuhL_I
Choosing The Right Spouse
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aw8m5xXtN4
A True Love Story
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j40NXRNTva0
A REALITY WHICH WILL MOVE YOU TO TEARS !!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-MXr00HEdM
Jahannam [Hellfire]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-MjYqCE2cE
DAY OF JUDGEMENT REALITY || POWERFUL ||
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7jCsmFn2Es
Control Your Anger
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsFNWzOPvZA
The Doors of Jannah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CI7HS-PsCM
Snake In The Grave
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuTOAjJ5dy8
Preferring the Akhirah over the Dunya life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sMyqlKNvS8
Preferring others over our own selves, and having a sense of sympathy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osRzXXGyGYM
Contentment and Purity.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OX2SnGoWAeU
Remembering death.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VdkrqZ53ng
Kitaab Al-Zuhd
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXIhjw1FsjU
Simple living
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laaTsrBmz3Q
Signs of Allah’s love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2w_1S6jtmWk
Sincere love for the sake of Allah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ej17WnabAy8
Sincere love for the sake of Allah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OlAYz8_d4c
Generosity
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWIxroc38yE
InshaAllah, after following all the tips above, Allah will soften the heart of your wife, and the more she feels this closeness and greatness of Allah, the more Allah opens her heart for your love.
May Allah grant you delight in your wife and your children, and make you a good example for the righteous. Ameen!
Sorry I have posted many links, I just thought they may be useful, InshaAllah. There are still many on youtube, and you may look for them InshaAllah. You may also follow this link for the complete lectures by Sheikh Yusuf Badat here,
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Sh.Yusuf+Badat+-+Hadith+Halaqah+Series&page=2
Also, one advice I would like to add is that, if a woman is worried and complains about something of you, it may also mean two things, 1- You don’t do well in showing her the true love, and 2- You don't do well in the foreplay. So I’d suggest that, while you do the other stuff I have mentioned above, you should also learn to improve the level of your love and attention towards her, in addition to learning to improve your foreplay style (focus on the time you spend and the quality). There are many topics related to this on the internet, so just read more as much as you can. However, be very conscious of Allah and abstain from viewing any haram materials, as viewing such haram materials will only lead the heart to the illness of unconsciousness about Allah (May Allah forbid that to happen. Ameen!).
You may also see this link
http://www.mydeenislam.com/how-to-make-love-to-your-wife-in-islam.html
Hope this helps, and Allah knows best.
I think its because of so much open sex nowadays she is mostly interested in equipment and not the other good part of marriage ..I think she is sex addict or had lot of sex partners before ..better to divorce as there is no way to increase the equipment size ...