I feel no attraction for my fiance
I feel no attraction at all for my fiance
Assalamu alaykum,
I have a problem which has been hammering in my head for a while yet I tried many times to erase it from my thoughts as I fear that it might cause me to commit a sin. Not long ago I got engaged to a practicing Muslim brother which I met at university.
For the past three years I have known that he was interested in me and he would continuously make little subtle hints to make me aware of it. He is considered a good looking guy in many of the eyes of the sisters (pretty boy) but in my eyes I thought I'd never find him attractive simply because I was always attracted to tall average looking boys in other words “manly man who can move heavy objects”.
Anyway I kept telling myself that that is not a good reason for me to reject him, because he carries many other good qualities for example he is very active in his religion, comes from a good family, has a stable job, although he is quite arrogant at times but nevertheless he is easy to talk to and very caring and one of the local Imams assured me that he is a good person.
Having had all of this in my mind I accepted his proposal. I felt ashamed to think about looks when he carries all of these good qualities and the fact that my family and friends were all happy and kept saying good things about him affected me deeply so I decided not to think about it again.
Time went by and I am still thinking about it, I enjoy my time with him, especially when I am talking to him on the phone this makes me happy (Note: I personally think it’s the fact that someone cares about me and thinks about me and pays a lot of attention to me which makes me happy the flower/presents etc..) anyway I don’t look forward to seeing him in person and when he is around I don’t pay much attention to him.
One point I forgot to mention is that we are both fairly young in our early twenties and the reason why I decided to be in a relationship is to secure myself from the fitnah of this non Muslim society and to lower my gaze yet after I got engaged I find myself gazing at other men who I find attractive...this is my major problem.
Please help me with your kind advice.
O’Allah Grant us the best of outcomes in all our affairs, and save us from disgrace in this world and from punishment in the Hereafter ameen ya rab al 3lameen..
Fi aman Allah
-Thuwaybah
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Salaam sister, I think rather then go ahead and pursue a destructive path, in marrying someone with whom you ALREADY know, have no attraction for, alter your plans now and put a stop to the wedding plans....do not marry this person and cause two lives to be ruined.
Asslam Alaikum sister
PLEASE don't marry this brother and spare him the anger and sadness when he will realise your feelings towards him. I worry about you but more about this man. This is because it will hurt him a lot when he realises that you find him unattractive. Dont let him find your feelings. Just say NO to his proposal.
Assalaamu alaikum,
Sister this seems like a complicated case, with arguments for both side but I'm gonna tell you what I think is best.
I know that islamically one is recommded to marry a religious, pious person and undoubtedly this is the most important thing to look for in a person for marriage. However, it isnt the ONLY important thing. People are different and physcial attraction is more important to some than others. Also peoples perception of beauty is different. To some, physical attraction may not be so important and they can compromise and settle with someone who they dont necessarily find ever so attractive but to others its not. If attraction is so important to you then you shouldnt ignore it.
Generally people have understanding when a man wants someone he is 'attracted' to..many men would reject v pious sisters simply stating that they aren't attracted to her so they cant imagine living all their life with someone they dont find beautiful. But I see that unfortunately, the same understanding and freedom is not granted for a woman. Women have desires too and lets be honest, growing up in the west is not only tempting for the guys but girls too. We see attractive billboards as well and our expectations grow regarding our future spouse and his physique.
If you have tried to compromise and still you are finding urself in a situation so bad that instead of this relationship encouraging you to lower your gaze, its making you look at other men who u find attractive, I think you should seriously consider whether you should continue and get married to this man. Its not your fault that you dont find him attractive...there is nothing wrong with your choice of 'manly man'..its ur preferance and from your post, i sense that its not insignificant enough for u to ignore it and carry on coz ur obviously having a hard time doing that.
You should be honest with yourself...you still have not married this man and are free to end it. He is not your husband and is ghair for u.
I recommend you to pray to Allah s.w.t to guide you to that which is best for you. Ask him to attract you towards him if he is the right man for you and will be good for your deen and dunya and if not, then help you end it and move on and grant you something better inshallah.
Pray salat ul Istikhaara sister.
Maashallah i find this very helpful being in the same situation now.
Assalaamu alaikum sister. I agree that deen and character are very important in a spouse, but there needs to be some sort of attraction between you and your future spouse. A husband and wife need to be 'garments for each other,' sheilding each others faults and protecting each other from illicit relations. I have been to lectures (by an islamic psychologist) where he has discussed importance of attraction and some e.gs. A sister in your situation married a man of deen and character but someone she wasnt attracted to at all. She couldnt consumate, this caused them both (especially the brother) a great deal of stress and heartache. Also a 'dead marriage' lacking in love.
Basically if you feel this way, I would advise against it, as it would only cause problems later, Whatever you decide, maintain adab (good manners) and look to qur'an and sunnah.
I pray that Allah guides you to what is best.
Ameen
When I was talking to a brother for marriage, I wasn't attracted to him at all. And I didn't want him to be near me. I tried to force myself to accept his looks but I couldn't. Ask yourself, do I see myself being intimate with him? When you want to marry someone for life time, you have to be attracted to him in all ways, and especially feel comfortable.
Salaams sister
Firstly sister do you realise how lucky you are to have been given a chance for a proposal from a decent man who hold really good qualities and who really cares about you and wants to be with you. If you strongly do not find him attractive you are better off breaking the engagement because to me if you really loved this guy you would not be looking at other men it is haraam to be eyeing up other guys whilst engaged or married. Please do not lead him on its not fair on him and both of your families you still have a chance to walk away if you feel no attraction and no feelings for him then best to apart now and marry him just because he’s second best to you. I personally think you need to think long and hard what marriage is based on looks are not everything but there needs to be some sort of chemistry and attraction and if that’s not already there then you must re think. I hope allah guides you to the right path.
Salaam sister
I realize it's been a whil since you posted your comment so I'm not sure what stage you'll be at now... I hope Inshallah in a better state of mind.
Erm,this is my first response on this forum, your story caught my eye. I feel for your situation & would like to tell you about my a similar situation in the hope that it helps you Inshallah... Im no scholar by any means but just from personal experience.
I was in a similar situation. There were two proposals, both mashallah amazing men. The 1st guy was a lot more educated, charming, respectful, mindful of God (a bit on he arrogant side if i must say...) etc and considered VERY handsome by everybody who met him, including my family. The 2nd guy was not everybody's cup of tea in the looks deparment, not as educated, but still of such amazing character, good morals and deen and very kind.
My family etc were very keen on guy number 1. thought he was a perfect match etc, had everything going for him & again, SOO incredibly handsome. They werent so keen on guy number 2. I on the hand, couldnt stand the sight of guy number 1...(sorry, i know that sounds kinda harsh) i just didnt like being in his presence (alongside a mahram), i could certainly see why people called him attractive but it just did not do it for me. i used to feel sick, and would cringe so much at the thought of one day having to have relations with him after marriage.I just wasn't comfortable around him. There was just no attraction from my side, even though he tried his utmost best.
Guy number 2 though, I really really liked. Though not everyone thinks he is as good-looking or as well acheived as number 1, there was just something about him that attracted me. I personally thought him to be very handsome even if no one else did. and felt very comfortable in his presence. and alhumdulillah, after much turmoil and deep thought & Dua he is now my fiance... and there is no cringe-factor at all!
I guess what Im trying to say is, there should be SOMETHING which attracts you to your fiance. It may not have to be his looks, but his mannerisms, his way of doing things, sayings, attitude. I can't give much Islamic driven advice as I am in no place to do so, but when I was stuck a lot of advice from pious people given to me was along the lines of there is nothing shallow with wanting to be attracted to you partner. You want to be pleased when you look at them.It can be a crtieria when searching for a life partner. its not at the top of the list, but has significance. I agree with a point SRMuslimah referred to about a sister not being able to consumate her marriage with her husband? i have heard this kind of situation many times, whether its girl not being attracted to the guy or vice versa. I feel had i opted for number 1, I wouldve been in this state too. you will be spending your time with him. your mornings, your days, your evenings and your nights. maybe around family etc you will be OK with him, but most times it will just be you two and no one else at the end of the day. and there'll be nowhere else to go really... even if your mind wants to go elsewhere.
If you can't stand the thought of being alon with him then i think you need to reconsider marrying him... continue doing istikhara and please stopbeating yourself up over feeling shallow.
Yes character & imaan are vital, but some kind of attraction is also important as well. some kind of... click.
i hope this helps sister.. forgive me if I ranted on... i pray you make the right decision for you and will keep you in my Dua's Inshallah
Assalamu alaykum
Assalamualaikum sister, this is the first time I am here or any social site. I am much more perplexed about my situation. LE T me tell you what exactly happened
I turned 18 recently and my parents have thought of a guy (he is my cousin ) for getting me married, two years ago only. THEY just had it in kind for these two years but this year they took a step further. They had discussions with other relatives and family members and they got me engaged recently. But I have no liking towards him not even as such of sand grain's amount. I have got used to call him as brother as he is elder to me. And being a child, this marriage thing didn't come up when I was a child. So I used to call him brother I don't even like their family though they are my relatives my own aunt and uncle. Their family and their mindsets just don't suit mine. When I protested once for getting it fixed without asking me then my parents just said this that and all to just make me quiet. As I was just 16 then I couldn't protest further. But now I've grown up but still don't have any liking or interest in him and his family though I am engaged to him now. And I don't want to marry him at any cost. ONE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT I CAN'T RAISE OR SAY THAT I DON'T LIKE THIS MARRIAGE CUZ MY PARENTS AND HIS PARENTS HAVE PROMISED EACH OTHER FOR THIS MARRIAGE WHICH THEY SHOULD NOT BE DOING CUz we can't promise anything as it's in Allah's hands alone and not in our hands. And if I say now that I don't want to marry him then I will be out of the house or sth very horrible like forcibly getting me married to him etc will happen. And on the engagement day nth like engagement happened. We just went to their place and had lunch together with other family members then I was asked to doll up and they took some pictures of mine. That's it I was told that I'm engaged.. And I seriously don't want to marry him at any cost. He is all educated good looking decent and a believing Muslim and has an attitude...but still nothing,..i mean neither his manners nor his looks and not even his education or job attracts me... And his family is one such though they r good but I don't find them compatible with me. I just don't like their nature or behaviour or mindsets. And I have been continuously praying to Allah to guide me and to my surprise, HE guided me towards sth which my parents and other family members would never approve(sorry I can't mention what surprising thing it is here) and mine is a not much but a conservative FAMILY.FIRST THING THAT MY PARENTS NOR HIS ASKED FOR MY CONSENT. SECONDLY WHEN I ONCE PROTESTED I WAS MADE TO SHUT UP FOR SOME POINTLESS REASONS. AND NOW THEY HAVE GOT ME ENGAGED TO HIM. AND EVERYONE THINKS MY SILENCE IS MY CONSENT BUT ALLAH ALONE KNOWS THAT MY SILENCE IS A HUGE AND AN UTTERLY NO....!AND THOUGH I am engaged to him I have not spoken to him atleast for once nor did he ever try to speak to me. His behaviour indirectly to some extent says that he is also somewhere not interested in this marriage..all this dilemma is just so frustrating. I have spent many nights in sujood crying over to Allah to get me out of this. And I am holding on patiently to just see what the future holds,to see how Allah answers my Du'as ..
. Anything you would like to say or advise regarding this thing , sister...
TheMuslimah:
Honestly, this is quite surprising that you don't like him despite him being religious, good-looking, well-educated, sophisticated and a groomed individual overall. By the looks of it, he seems to be an ideal candidate. But at the end of the day, it's your choice. So, you should not be forcible married to her. Is it because you are interested in someone else? If that is the case, you should tell your parents upfront and also remember the fact that we are not allowed to talk to non-mahrams in seclusion or without parental guidance. For nikah purposes, you can interact with your potential spouse in order to determine the suitability of your marriage. That's it. All such encounters should observe Islamic etiquettes of modesty and moral propriety.
One way you can get out of this quagmire is to be open with your family and confessing the true reasons for not going ahead with marriage. Also, if you have someone else in your mind, check his commitment by asking him to send his parents over to your home. Normally, male kids at this age just want to have sex with their female counterparts. They are not emotionally invested. They just need an outlet to let go of their feelings. Be sure you do not become a victim of such an individual.
The second and more plausible option is to talk to your fiance and tell him about your feelings honestly. Tell him that this marriage might turn out to be miserable as you are not interested in him at all. Perhaps, this is how he can get his parents to cancel the marriage. Just ask him to not put blame on you and simply excuse your parents.
Lastly, I hope and pray that may Allah Almighty bless you with a religious and handsome husband!
Assalamualaikum dear sister
Thank you so much for reading my post and then replying.i know he looks like an ideal guy but deep inside I feel like he is also not interested in me. And you also suggested me to talk to him. But you on know sister that's the biggest problem. I think you will be surprised to know that since three years this alliance was going on and this year just a month ago I got engaged. And we never spoke to each other in these three years.. Not even for once. His mom told me to call him and talk to him. But why isn't she telling her son to call me. I am girl and how can I call first ? And when I told my dad that she said this way, then he told my mom to strictly tell me not to call or talk to him until he himself does . I mean would you find It interesting if this was your case? No, right.. But definitely I am nowhere interested.Even after engagement I didn't receive any call or txt from him though he has my number. And one thing I forgot to mention is that he has an attitude don't know for what but he has an attitude..actually I posted a msg in someone else's msg.. I don't remember but pls if you have time check it out then I guess sister you may get what my situation is. And when I talked to my friends abt this even they suggested me that there's something wrong in this entire thing and that I should talk to him and get this cancelled. But that is where the problem arises I am not allowed to talk until he himself does that. And he calling me would neverhappen bcuz of his ego or attitude or sth else... So what do I do now dear.. All this is geting on my nerves ..
Allah help me out !
Assalamualaikum sister.
Sister my second post for reference is in the reply of Miss Muslimah
TheMuslimah
Sherry is my nickname. I am not a female nor do I identify as a female. 🙂
Well, I read your other post as well. First of all, I think it's natural for parents to posit such a question. If you aren't interested in him despite his apparently good qualities, it was natural for them to ask whether you had any other guy in mind or not. I think your father did the right step by telling your mother that the boy should contact first.
Being a male, I can tell you with confidence that your fiance is not interested in this marriage at all. He probably wanted to marry someone else or perhaps might have an ongoing relationship with someone else. He is just getting married to you for the sake of his parents. And you know in our Pakistani culture, this cousin marriage or marriage for the sake of the honor of family is ubiquitous. Yours is just one other example out of a million others. I think you should tell your parents categorically that you feel that your future husband is not interested in the marriage at all and he is giving you such a cold shoulder treatment. I mean it's ridiculous that you guys almost have been unofficially engaged for the past 3 years and he hasn't even talked to you once. So, this just doesn't simply click to me. There is definitely something fishy. He is not interested in you. It's good that you are not interested in him as well. Convince your parents patiently. If they are literate, show them these replies that you have written here and the feedback that you have received. It might help them to understand your feelings and appreciating the input from a neutral third party. Let me reiterate the boy is not interested in you. Do not get married to him. He will make your life miserable because he will never give you the respect that you deserve. He is most probably involved with another lady or has some psychological issues. I know it would be hard for your parents to reconsider their decision. But just ask them to make a fair assessment. Your fiance hasn't talked to you for 3 years and is still not even interested in talking to you. He avoids your sight let alone spending time with you in order to get to know more about you. So, my simple advice is to cancel the engagement and look for another prospect. I earnestly pray that God Almighty bless you with a handsome, religious and God-fearing husband!
Assalamualaikum brother.. First of all I'm really sorry for mistaking you to be a female.. I seriously had no idea of that.. Sorry if that offended you..
And thank u so much for your advice. But as I told earlier that I am not given the right to speak in this matter. After my first protest, I never got the courage to speak in this regard to my parents And most surprisingly I have no other family member or relative who can understand my situation or anyone whom I can share my feelings and thoughts with..!That's so poor of me... But still I so want to get this engagement off but I am 101%sure that my parents will doubt on my character thinking I may have someone else in my mind or even if I say that He is not interested in this all then they will so obviously reply as he is an introvert and a moody guy. One of my cousins who is like a brother, a bit close to me,said to my dad that He hardly speaks to anyone after this alliance got done. Then my dad very apparently told us that he is just too reserved and kinda introverted guy.
But my question is what sort of reservedness and introvertedness is that that he isn't at all interested to atleast.. atleast speak a word to me. When I greet him salam he just greets back... And nothing more than that. This entire thing seems so fishy to me too... And brother, If I show these replies to my parents then they will for sure whip me out for taking my marriage issue to the outside world. And you know what I am in a situation which is a dead end from all directions . And probably only Allah swt could help. Me out by either giving me wings or breaking off the walls of the dead end. I have got literally no way to escape and one more thing I am not so free to talk to my parents about things like marriage etc openly. We never did. So it's not likely to happen that I discuss And if I say that He is not interested and all,then my parents will definitely say that I'm just finding silliest reasons to end this .. I'm just struck .... No way seems to be available now brother ... I've no idea what's going to happen bcuz my marriage is most likely to happen in the coming 6 months from now.... Allah save me and help me out... AMEEN . Pray for me brother ... Jazakallahu khairan Kaseera
TheMuslimah
Your parents are making excuses. They don't want to hear the truth because they don't want to lose their dignity and face the so called Shame in the Pakistani culture. Since, your elders are not listening. I would suggest that you talk to him directly and TALK! Ask what's up? If you have to...don't know if you both live in the same county, talk to your cousins mom or dad (uncle aunt) that their son doesn't talk does he want to get married? This will be a disaster. Unhappiness. Two people who don't want to get married to each other is being forced to be married by their parents.
Assalamualaikum Tami sister/brother,
Thank you so much that you read my situation and advised me
But do read my second post dear, actually my dad wants Him to call and talk to me first. I am not supposed to call him or txt him until He does so... So I don't have the option of talking to him . And regarding my parents' excuses, I'm not sure if they're hiding anything from me which can have a huge impact on this marriage.But one thing is that there's something fishy going on..Allah knows what. Just hoping for the best. Actually I don't like him and any of them . Their mindsets, nature and behaviour just irritate me so much. I've never liked them (aunt or uncle or Him) since childhood The only person I like in their family is His elder brother who is an easy going person and has a calm nature He is well mannered too. I like him as a brother more than cousin. But the one I'm engaged to has an attitude and I think even he doesn't like me or my family .... It's just too quirky... Only Allah knows what is the truth and what's not... Jazakallahu Khairan Kaseera... Thanks for your valuable time and advice dear brother /sister ..
I pray that things get easy for you. I think all of us are anonymous to each other and so you haven't brought the marriage issue to the outside world. You can or should ask your parents to read this, or you should ask your cousin (his elder brother) to read this and do something about it. If you don't do any of them, you have practically ran out of solutions. So, what you can do is to just pray to Almighty Allah daily. Ask Him to continue the marriage if it's beneficial. If it's not, ask Allah to terminate it. He has command over all things. Pray, pray and pray. He would do the best for you! You have got your answers. There is no point in dragging this thread any further.
Yes... You're right.. The only I've got to do is Pray... I'm praying every day to me it easy for me. Thank you so much for your suggestions and sparing time to think over my issue...May Allah bless you with a beautiful and righteous wife if you're not married yet... Thanks again brother.....
Ameen. Thanks! 🙂
I am Tami and I am a female. I know you don't want to make the same mistake 🙂
Pray lots of salatul-istiqara. A powerful dua which Allah will guide you.
Salam Aleykum sister!
I know the appearance of a guy is sometimes important and a girl has always dreamed of marrying this hot brid pitt alike guy.
This guy seem to have every character a good guy should have. Mashallah.
When you face difficulties in your life and need his advice, is his appearance going to help you, or is his personality and character going to help you? Think about it.
The appearance will only matter for the first year, maybe only for the first couple of months. Do you think his appearance is going to make you happy? Or is it his character?
Hi there,
I just stumbled across your dilemma. And a dilmemma it is too. But to simplify, is he a good friend?
Does he act like a best friend? Listens to you, talks to you. Asks you about your day, and waits to hear what you have to say.
Do you have butterflies when he calls you? What attracts you to this man? Job, career, money, how religious is not really an answer. Does he make you laugh? Does he go that extra mile for you?
It sounds like you dont really love him. Do you really want to enter a relationship/marriage on a gamble, because thats what it will be will it wont it?!
And if you have children, they will see instantly if the love is not there and then it will be too late.
No one can tell you what you have to do, but Im sure you know the answer deep down.
Its never easy finishing with someone. But its better to do it sooner rather than later so it hurts alot less.
Dont ever stay with someone because you are worried about hurting them, as we can all look after ourselves. And with every door you close, another one opens!
Dont ever settle for anything you wouldnt want your best friend to.
Marriage is a big thing, I have been married before. And am due to marry again now, and gosh what I have learnt hopefully will make me a better wife.
Its you that has to live with your decision.
And also...a question...whats stopping you from being with this man? Is it pride? Sometimes you dont realise you love someone until its too late!
Anyways,
Love & light xxx
Salam freya!! i just got engaged and i feel the same way thaywaybuh feels about her fiance!! im so confused about what to do!!! My fiance is a good man but he doesn't act like my best friend, he does listen to me and i feel respected by him but i don't get butterflies when he calls or when i see him. What atracts me to him is that my family likes him and his family likes me and that he is a religious man but other than that theres not much else. He has an ok job and is somewhat funny but sometimes i just feel like he's not the one, the only problem is that i feel like my family love him so much that if i told them i don't want him as a husband they would be very upset because they see him diffrently!!! I also think that maybe i am being a bit picky and that i should just accept the situation and be thankful for waht allah has given me in him. I do want to get married but im just not sure if he's the right guy!! is this normal or is this a sign hes not right for me? i have been praying istikara prayer but still have no clear answer. Do you have any advice? it would be kindly appreciated!! thank you so much sister!! i wish you all the best with your husband!!!
Salams, i knw it has been five years since your post but i am in the same position as you were..can you tell me what you ended up doing..and how has it worked out for you?
Jzk sister
After reading this question I went to do a tid bit of research, because I was watching a lecture once and a Shakyh said that statistically men in his 20's are attracted to a women based on her beauty as priority to him,and women are attracted to men based on their leadership qualities. His point was that women are not very concerned about appearance, most of the time they see him through his qualities and not so much his physical attributes. Anyway I decided to see if I can find actual statistics about it and bumped into an article called "What Men and Women Really want in a Partner" . A summary of it is this "The results were clear, undeniable and unsurprising… the men most strongly valued the traits, behaviors and attitudes related to Physical Chemistry (sex, appearance, potential for healthy children), whereas the women most valued the traits, behaviors and attitudes related to Accomplishment (success, career, wealth and money)."
Part of me wants to tell you not to get married because every spouse deserves to have their partner attracted to them; appreciate who they are in the physical. But the other part of me, I guess experience is feeling that eventually InshaAllah you'll see him through the eyes of who he is. Because I personally believe that in marriage when the "honeymoon" is over and when you realize that everything you ever saw on TV about marriage is all garbage you'll learn to appreciate WHO the person is. Eventually you stop even noticing certain physical attributes and you see them for the things they do (or sometimes don't do). Marriage is a challenge as they are so many factors invovled; intimacy being a very crucial point. If you're not repulsed by the brother I wouldn't break it off. If you are, then yes you should break it off because it will show in your body language especially intimately.
The fact that you really enjoy talking on the phone is a good thing but asses your relationship communication when you're together. It is really how he looks, or it is something else?
Words (the literal meaning) account for 7% of the overall message
Tone of voice accounts for 38% of the overall message
Body Language accounts for 55% of the overall message,
Consider the article I will post a link to as well make sincere dua and do salatul Istikhara and follow your heart. Also LOWER YOU GAZE , human are hardly ever satisfied (" They recognise the favours of Allah. then they deny them; and most of them are (creatures) ungrateful." سورة النحل , An-Nahl, Chapter #16, Verse #83)
do yourself a favor and lower your gaze and seek refuge in Allah swt from Shaytaan.
The power of nonverbal communication and body language
Nonverbal communication, or body language, is a vital form of communication. When we interact with others, we continuously give and receive countless wordless signals. All of our nonverbal behaviors—the gestures we make, the way we sit, how fast or how loud we talk, how close we stand, how much eye contact we make—send strong messages.
The way you listen, look, move, and react tell the other person whether or not you care and how well you’re listening. The nonverbal signals you send either produce a sense of interest, trust, and desire for connection—or they generate disinterest, distrust, and confusion.
Nonverbal communication cues can play five roles:Repetition: they can repeat the message the person is making verbally
Contradiction: they can contradict a message the individual is trying to convey
Substitution: they can substitute for a verbal message. For example, a person's eyes can often convey a far more vivid message than words and often do
Complementing: they may add to or complement a verbal message. A boss who pats a person on the back in addition to giving praise can increase the impact of the message
Accenting: they may accent or underline a verbal message. Pounding the table, for example, can underline a message.
Oh one more thing, which might help the mental blockage. Don't assume or expect that just because you're married to a "manly man" (lift the boxes type man) that he'll play the part. It appears your fear is not being taken care of ; treated lady like. It's more likely a pious, God fearing man that will play the part of taking care of his family and honoring his wife. Not necessarily a "manly man". How do you determine if he has Taqwa?....I have yet to figure out !
May Allah subhanhu wa tala guide us to good.. Ameen
Sister this is a really hard situation to be in and one i am in now myself!!! It is very hard because you have found a man who is modest, religious and your family likes him but you are not sure and don't feel attracted to him!!! Im so confused right now about if i should break off my engagement or go ahead and marry him. Im so scared that i'll get married to him but only feel attracted to his personality only. It is a very hard decision to make and i wish you all the best!! let me know what you choose in the end, you may have already made your decision . I have been asking allah for help but still have no answer so im just trying to be patient now!! may allah make it easier and give you happiness!!!
As salamu alaykum flower child,
You may laugh at me but this what I am going to tell you, functions, insha´Allah.
My advice is to walk at least 40 minutes everyday in a flat space, breathing consciously. While walking try to be here and now, I mean present where you are, everytime your mind scapes to your thoughts bring it back to where you are, enjoy breathing, walking, seeing, feeling the air, ... try to be here and now as much as you can. This will help you to stop your mind and it will be easier for you to listen to your innerself. Once you are doing this, together with your prayers you will know what to do, you will feel it very strong inside, insha´Allah. Listen to yourself, you are the one that is going to get married.
All my Unconditional Love and Respect,
María
Salam sister I was wondering what has happened to your situation, I am still stuck in this dilemna 🙁 and would love to know what experiences other sisters like me have been going through, I pray that we all find this Mr right who has everything we could possible want! mainly a person who would help us build a muslim home in this life and the hereafter iA
Salam sisters
I am so glad to come across this post I am going through the EXACT same thing. My cousin and I both live in different countries and only saw eachother when we were kids however two years ago we started to chat and it was very fun and enjoyable to talk with him however it all started to get sour after he decided that he's inlove with me and wants to marry me. I dont see him like that at all, he is very well mannered )with a very high paid job, and comes from a really religious family but he isnt careful with his prayers he reads quran everyday but misses some of his prayers due to work. Even though my parents and family absolutely love him and think he is a great match for me I was still not convinced as there was no attraction whatsoever. however I tried to like him and I even said to him that he must pray and I wouldnt get married to him unless he does and he did say that he always wanted to start praying properly and that I am right and he will now start praying and really make every effort to be close to Allah swt but even after that I realised that I still dont like him and I just dont know whyy! I sometimes get irritated from his voice and his facial expressoins, I get repulsed by the thought of him touching me but I am was scared that Allah would not accept this physical attraction to be a good enough reason and that I should be appreciative that he sent me a man who is willing to do absolutely anything for me as well as he can be a very piuos man and there is nothing wrong with him! I prayed istikhara and sometimes I feel okay about being engaged to this guy but as soon as we talk on the phone I get sooo annoyed and I then feel depressed about being commited to him I dont know what's wrong! The idea of getting married to a man I dont love absolutely SCARES and mostly DEPRESSES me ! When he tells me I love you I absolutely cringe and just dont want to hear it! but I feel like that's not a good enough reason to reject someone so good, I just dont know if I should go on or break it off even though my loving family really see the potential in this, I would appreciate your kind help
Dear Muslem Girl,
I read your post and have been thinking about a response.
Firstly, its you that will be getting married, you that will have children, you are going to have to watch him get older as he will you. If you cant get the first bits which are the most important foundations then how are you ever going to do the next bit without resentment and bitterness.
What happens also if you marry this guy and then mr right happens to pop up then its a bit late isnt it?
And the thing with marrying cousins, if you were to have children, did you know that there are so many genetic complications that can occur?
You made what I would say is a mistake, you told this man you would marry him if he were to do some extra prayers and such. Not being funny but isnt that between him and Allah, and you dont know the connection he has, how would you like it if someone said theyd marry you if you prayed more? And then to top it off you didnt really want to in the first place. Ok say he does all that for you, then how is that a connection that comes from him?! This is how seeds of resentment can occur.
Your loving family will be alot more upset if they find out you marry a man just because they like him but you dont. That the reason you married this guy was for them.
I am not saying that marriages with cousins dont work, but when your not even remotely attracted then theres something wrong.
What are you affraid of, its ok to be flattered because someone wants to marry you. But its ok to say no if your heart isnt in it.
So many women end up in helpless, loveless marriages, they have no motivation to better them selves, they loose everything about them that made them unique. Dont forget that us women dont always get the easy end of the deal. We're expected to put up and shut up.
Dont forget the biggest gift given to us is our voice, this is something very easily silenced, we are all entitled to our opinions and views.
You have got your voice, so use it.
It may also on a scientific/other point is that your body knows when it feels love for another person, it knows, you feel the butterflies.
What humans also have is an ability to not go with a person because of these so called little things but its actually a genetic in built response guiding us away from someone thats not genetically like, this could be because of shared similar traits. You actually need variety in the gene pool.
This guy wont thank you if he marrys a woman that doesnt love him.
I think if you really loved this guy, firstly you would know!, you really would. There would be no need in looking for flaws in the guy.
Love is a powerful thing, it can not be bartered or sold. Its pure, its beautiful. Once found is not to be ignored.
When you find your mr right, you will know! And when you do...enjoy falling in love.
And let this guy find someone that will love him. You both deserve love even if its not with each other, thank him for the interest. Thank Allah for the opportunity but you are using the voice he gave you to say what you want. Its not a crime to be happy.
Love & Light
Wish you all the best sister. I'm in this situation too. The difference is I'm 30 and feel like I've left it too late. You are still young. If it doesn't feel right don't go ahead. There are more fish in the sea esp when you are young.
dont be so shallow
Salaams,
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Assalamu Ailakum Sisters,
Does anyone have an update to their story?
I would like to tell mine if you permit. Please excuse me if it's long but please bare with me as I don't have many people I can heartfelt-ly express this too.
I am in the same predicament.
Alhamdulillah I feel a little better knowing that there are others out there who are going through the same thing that I am now currently going through. I thought there was a problem with me.
I am engaged to this well respected, well mannered gentleman who is highly focused on his Deen. This is what had led me to say yes in the first place.
I have had two bad prior engagements and please believe me when I tell you that I was not at fault for them not working out. The first treated me very badly and the second hardly put any effort and time. So for me to say yes to a third one, as you could Imagine, was a pretty big step for me (there has been other men who have come to seek for my hand but no engagements were made).
For this current guy, at first I thought he wasn't that bad looking and was happy to go along with the engagement but for some reason my feelings went downhill from there.
When he speaks to me I am very bored. When he wants to come over I feel like it's a trouble. When he wants to call me, I get frustrated. and I feel bad because in my head I don't want to be punished for not being attracted to him being the reason to end a relationship.
Now please do not think that I am evil hearted to feel this way. I want to fell a connection with someone and I cannot control my feelings.
I know that Deen and character are the most important things and I also believe that being attracted to your spouse is important too.
He is a very good person but when I think of doing the 'intimate thing' with him I just cant...well...I feel a bit icky (not wanting to use a harsher word here).
My parents want him for me, especially my father who absolutely LOVES him. Which is also a big reason why I didn't just make a decision and end it beforehand. That including the fact that I have a bad case of indicisiveness among other health problems.
I thought because of my previous bad relationships and that I've had countless physical and mental problems in the past which I won't get too much into, I would ask a Sheikh for advice.
It's hard though because how can you tell a male Sheikh that as a girl you don't find a certain man attractive and don't want to lay with him?
So recently a Sheikh came over to talk to me in the presence of my father and that's when it went even worse. Because when I expressed my feelings to the Sheikh my father got upset and told me to go to my room. Yes. Seriously.
Later on when the Sheikh left, my father said he wanted nothing more to with marrying me and that I can marry myself (he has said this before on other occasions).
He told my mum some things about the meeting which I'm unsure of but I know it was enough to make her angry because she does no wish to speak to me anymore either. She said I was taking people along for a ride which really hurt me cause that was certainly not my intention.
Now they are both angry with me and have given me the cold shoulder because I expressed my feelings of not being happy with thus guy.
My mother won't even come to me and ask for my side or discuss why she's angry with me. My mum treating me like this hurts me more than the actions of my dad.
So right now I'm constantly feeling guilty for not wanting this man because I feel no connection or attraction to him and at the same time neither one of my parents are supporting me.
It would be so much easier if at least one parent supported me.
I am also getting older, or so I'm told, so I'm also worried that I won't find a guy with good manners and Deen like this man.
But do I marry on that context because I feel like that reason of lack of attraction is not enough of a reason to break up or do I end it knowing my parents will be more angry with me and I will be made to look like I was evil hearted person for letting this guy go?
Anyways, sorry for the length of this. I would really like it if someone responded to me with some good advice or what they did when they were in the same predicament as me.
Jazaka Allah Khayr
Wassalam Ailakum
Your parents will get over it. They love you and want you to get married, and your dad will help you find someone, don't worry. You know from past experience that his threat is an empty one. Break off the engagement. If you cannot even have a conversation with this man, your marriage is doomed. He deserves someone who loves him and wants to be with him, and so do you. If you marry him, you both will be miserable for the rest of your life. If you break off the engagement now, you will be miserable for a little while until your parents forget about this, which they will quickly Inshallah. Make istikharah before any decision, and inshallah Allah will make things easy for you.
Assalamualaikum dear sister, your story is sth like me. I mean not the health and prior breakage issues but the thing that parents love that guy and you don't is similar to mine. I don't even know if he is OK with this. Cuz when we went to their place for engagement not even for once I saw him smiling. On the top of that he was constantly locked in his room coming out for only countable number of times that too for his needs like lunch water etc. He never talked to anyone on that day. Since this alliance has started two years ago, we never means never talked to each other. I think you can imagine not speaking to a person for three years till now and suddenly getting engaged bcuz ur parents like him and soon to be getting married within some months.... This is what going on. Their family seems not much interested in the wedding. It clearly shows on their faces that they are OK with this marriage not bcuz they like me but for sth else which I don't know. But my parents do know the reason but they would never tell me. I don't want to marry him. Once read my previous post and you can know the story. Though he seems ideal person I know nothing about him and I don't even feel anything attractive in him except that he's my cousin and only my parents love him for me. It is not my parents fault that they wanted a good man for me but still it's me at the end of the day who has to marry him who has to stay with him and spend all my life with him. And you know even the thought that I will go to their family forever irks me that I get tears and start crying over badly. Then imagining myself with him alone I think my heart will stop out. Not that he is absolutely good. I don't even know his full name. I only know that his name is so and so which I have been hearing since my childhood. And about other qualities or nature of him is a foreign thing to me. I don't even know whether he is deeply into DEEN or not. As I said since three years not even for once did he try talking to me. He doesn't even stay near when I am around. And his house he never comes out of his room when I am around. What does his behaviour mean?? And that I saw he has an attitude. And in one family function, he didn't even greet my mother Assalamualaikum though she is his soon to be mother in law. He greeted everyone he saw except my mom. All these things about him make me feel guilty for having engaged to him. And when I protested to my parents once I guess a year ago they asked me the first question that if I have anyone in my mind.. I mean what sort of questions was that. If a girl doesn't like someone to marry then does that only mean she has someone else in her mind.?? I am just so perplexed with all this.And the worst part is I am not even free to say that I don't like this marriage or him. And if I do so then I must be ready to bear all the horrible things afterwards.. Astaghfirullah!!
This is my story and still going in for Allah alone knows how long. I hope you will be able to get out of your situation soon In Shaa Allah . May Allah grant his guidance to all the suffering girls like us.. AMEEN Summa Ameen
Salams Sister,
Thanks so much for your fast response.
I wish I had found this forum sooner.
I wish I had spoken to someone like you sooner.
Your advice is wonderful thank you.
Yes, from my view he really does deserve someone who loves him. He really is a wonderful person who deserves happiness in his life.
I know my parents will get over it sooner or later and now I just have to find the time and courage to make this decision but have to do it soon as I don't want to drag it on. Since my mother says that I have taken him along for a ride. I don't think I did. I was just very confused and didn't know what to do. But I wish she understood that.
I am also scared that I am now considered a picky person especially now because of this. Or that I won't find a guy with a good personality such as his.
I'm scared that I will marry someone who turns out to be wrong for me and my parents will look down on me because of this in a 'I told you so' way. If I have a bad marriage then I have to accept it (although it's probably easier said than done).
What I don't want is my parents to shake their heads and feel reluctant to support me (even though they most likely will Allahu Ailam ). I don't want then to say: "Well if you married that other guy, you probably would be happy.." that kind of talk. How do I get them to understand?
But I guess only Allah (SWT) knows.
I'm not looking for Mr.Perfect. He does not and will not ever exist.
But I wish just how girls these days are expected to be dolls of perfection for men, that men would put more effort in becoming proper gentleman (Of course and a proper Muslim).
I guess what I'm trying to say is, yes I believe to put my trust in Allah (SWT) but he has also given us humans the ability to do things for ourselves. So I'm afraid that what I'm doing is not enough and that my lack of feelings for this guy is not normal since he's one of the most decent guys that have come to ask for me.
I asked myself if there is something wrong with me mentally not to fall for this guy? Will I get punished by Allah (SWT) for not accepting this man due to lack of attraction?
Other questions are:
Whats the best way to break it off?
Did I really take that man along for a ride even though I was just confused and didn't know what to do?
What's the best way to do it without further hurting my parents pride and to get them to understand?
Again thank you very much for your response. You have made me feel better. Sorry again for the long post.
Jazaka Allah Khayr
Wassalam Ailakum
Sister Miss Muslimah
Do you watch lot of movies and TV serials ? I think people build some expectation based on that like looks,style etc
Sorry and also the fact that I had a strong connection with this guy at the beginning (again a reason why I said yes) but now it's not there anymore. Is that normal?
Jazaka Allah Khayr.
Wassalam Ailakum
Salaam alaykum Sister Muslimah. I just checked in 2 years after this conversation. Are you married now? I am in the exact situation that I don't know what to do. I feel no attraction with this guy and I get very very scared when I think about intimacy with him. I don't think I will ever want it. Now my family and His are involved, my parents and my sisters like him. Well, what everyone is saying is because of my age, I am old, where do I start from. I am 32 yrs moving to 33. My mum says it is better a man loves you more than you love him and not the other way around. I believe it should be mutual. I have communicated with negative attitudes towards this guy, we argue, I do not show him love and still, He wants to marry me. I have told him times without number, that I don't feel right, I told him I am not emotionally connected with him and he tells me that he is positive and when I start living with him, things will change. Really? I have been with him for 11 months and sir do not feel love for him. He sees all the signs, but will not give up on me. Most times, I don't look forward to talking to him, I don't miss him, and when he calls, sometimes I don't feel like picking up. How do I cope? Everyone I talk to looks at my age and tells me I am old already. I know, but they don't understand how I feel.
Anyways, I would like to hear from u sister Muslimah and sisters.
Sister, you seem very emotional. Try to relax. Let's address your points one by one:
--You will not be punished by Allah for breaking off this engagement. This man is not your husband, and you owe him nothing except the courtesy and respect you would give to anyone.
--Whether or not you "strung him along" is not relevant to the current situation, which is that you don't want to marry him anymore. Your duty now that you are sure of your feelings is to release him of the engagement as soon as possible so that you can both move on with your lives.
--The best way to break it off, in my opinion, is to tell him directly that while he is a wonderful person you cannot marry him. Be sure to give him back any jewelry or presents he may have given you.
--You cannot "make" your parents understand anything. The best you can do is explain clearly your point of view and what you want.
--Only Allah knows how, when and to whom you will get married, and only He knows if that marriage will be successful. Trust in Allah and Inshallah He will guide you to what is best.
--Finally, have you ever met a person you thought you liked before only to discover later that you actually didn't like them? My guess is you have. Therefore your feelings are normal.
I am glad to have helped you sister and hope that my advice gives you some peace of mind. If you need more, I would suggest that you submit a post to this website so that you can get a broader range of feedback on your dilemma.
Assalamu Alikum sisters,
I am so glad i came across this since i am going through same thing.
Sorry this will be long.
I got engaged to my dads best friends son who we only met once before engagement back in my country. My family liked him and his family liked me, so within a week my family convinced me to say yes, they kept telling that won't find any one better and that i have rejected too many guys (i am 22yr old). the only thing i knew about the guy was that he was 29 years old, belong to a good and respected family and because my family was happy therefore i said yes. there was no physical attraction at all and i didn't like his attitude or the way he spoke. parents decided to do our nikah on the engagement night because i had to travel back to where i live and apply for his visa, parents made it clear that there will be no physical relationship until we the guy gets his visa and we are settled. The day after engagement i realised i didn't like anything about him, i got to know that he was not religious and that he had a bad past, he shared his past relationship experience (long distant relationship with his cousin), he showed me their msgs. Reading those msgs i was sure he is not the guy i want to marry.
Now i am back to my place where i live and we speak over the phone once a week but i hate it, he even knows that i have no interest but i am so afraid that Allah will be upset with me for breaking this guys heart and not treating him properly. He promised he will stop smoking and will start praying now because Allah gave him a wife like me, and that he feels sorry for himself for not taking good decisions in his life and that i should help him become a better person. I think he is a very nice person but he has this attitude that i dont like he is very stubborn yet he tells me he will change everything about himself for me, i feel like he is playing with my mind sometimes like he says the things that i want to hear. Anyway i tried to accept him for all these things but I can not imagine myself marrying him or letting him touch me in anyway. I feel bad for thinking this way, i try to be nice to him but as soon i hang up the phone i feel sick in my stomach. we always have dull and pointless conversations, he has never said a joke that would make me laugh even tho i encouraged him and his response was that he only knows dirty jokes and giggled so i didn't asked again. I am so confuse. my parents think that i dont have good reason to step out of this relationship, but they are giving me chance to go back and get to know him. I know that i won't like him even if i see him again but i am afraid that i will ignore my feeling, become emotional because i feel sorry for him and that will destroy me. please advice me on what is best to do. Also another reason i said yes to this proposal was to protect myself but now i find everyone else attractive beside him and i was not like this before, i was someone who cared about personality but in my case i dont like his personally and his looks.
Jazaka Allah Khayr
You should break it off. Tell your dad about his previous relationship and what he told you about only knowing dirty jokes. Surely your dad would not want you to marry such a person no matter how close he is to the boy's father. You cannot and will not change this man - if he doesn't pray now he will not pray when you get married, and if he didn't have enough shame to hide his relationship from you, then I shudder to think what he may do when you are married. On top of that, you don't like his personality or his looks. My advice is to be completely honest with your parents about everything and end the engagement. Don't let him emotionally manipulate you into staying.
Also, you and other sisters here should know that Allah does not punish people for breaking off engagements. Engagements are not even an Islamic arrangement, so why should He punish you for ending one?!! An engagement is only an agreement that you will consider marriage, not a promise or a commitment, and this boy is still a non-mehram to you, therefore you owe him nothing except to be polite when you speak to him. You have no obligations to him or his family.
I told my mum and dad about his msgs and they said "he is honest enough to share those msgs with you" and that i should be happy he is not hiding anything, i also told my brothers they think its fine since he speaks very well with elders and he is very respectful to everyone and to me as well. But i just dont get his character. Exactly, i told him that he should be praying for Allah not because of me, so he replied back saying he always wanted to start so i am the reason and he knows Allah brought me in his life for that reason. so i dont know how to take this but it does worry me. I know that he is very insecure about his looks (he is very skinny) and that makes me feel sorry for him at the same time i can't stand him. The thing that bothers me is after i step out of this relationship i will have to face a lot of challenges our family back home are very difficult to deal with, i am very emotional personal i dont know if i would be able to move on to another relationship. I have not interest in him but i find it very difficult to reject him because he really likes me.
everytime i share this with a family member they advice me to "stay patient and things will be good after a while, its because you haven't spend time with him thats why you feel this way towards him" but i think communicating over the phone can say a lot.
Also on the engagement night our Nikah was done but there was not physical relationship. this whole thing is eating me inside. My parents wants me to make a decision soon but i am very scared i hope Allah guides me to the right path In she Allah as well the other sisters.
Sister it's your decision at the end of the day not your family's. It's you who will be spending the rest of your life with him. If you don't like him don't force yourself to marry him, as difficult as it may be end things. There's nothing worse then ending up with a spouse you don't like or love. It's not fair on him either, even if he is hurt now it will save both of you from a lifetime of misery. Be strong, make your decision and stick to it, don't ruin both of your lives.
Salam,
Okay guys so I see a lot of "what did you do?" and I'm in the same situation thing going on here but none of 'hey this is what I did', so I'm going to give you the play by play of my story.
Two years ago I came with my mom and sisters to visit our country and in that time my cousin decided he wanted to marry me and he liked me-now I didn't know about that until we came left the country. So when I found out I was 20 and in the middle of college exams (it sucked to say the least) I told my mom no and she wanted me to think about it some more-well I did for like a month and then I told her no again, voices were raised and arguments all around.
The next summer I decided to take some summer classes and work part time so my mom went over to her country and they asked again for my hand, my mom then asked me if I was certain I didn't want to get engaged to him and I said yes. So she told them that and to not wait for me and to find his son someone else.
This summer came around and we came back to my parents country-me thinking this whole thing is behind me- but what I didn't know was that my cousin said he'd wait and he still wanted to talk to me. The first week I was still saying 'no' my parents and aunts kept trying to persuade me to at least sit down with him, after a lot of crying and arguing both on me and my moms part I thought maybe my thinking was wrong and I should at least give it a try.
And so I sat with him, it was very uncomfortable and he was excited and kept saying how happy he was but he didn't make an effort to ask me any questions and kept talking himself up. At this point I should say that his family is very nice and he is very religious and he agreed to everything I wanted. But at the end of the conversation it still didn't feel right I tried explaining this to my parents but my mom got upset and said I think I'm better than them and I didn't really try-in the end I said no and my dad told them so.
At this point me and my mom are upset with each other and we both don't talk except to exchange a few pleasantries. With everyone's disappointment I felt like maybe I made the wrong decision and it wasn't my 'nasib' or destiny as everyone keeps saying so I said if they bring this up again I'm just going to say yes. The very next day my mom tells me that he still wants me and I told her maybe I was making a hasty decision and I told her okay.
They told the guy and his family it's a yes but nothing is official until my uncle comes back in a week, my cousins family were so happy one of our cousin posted a congradulatory comment on face book (not saying to whom he was getting engaged to) and soon everyone from his side of the family and his village knew. Even after all this my parents told me that I can still change my mind and that nothing is official until my uncle gets back.
Even though nothing was official as they said, we were on a time limit because my dad only had a week before he had to leave for business so preparations were being made to the engagement ceremony and before I knew it we were looking for dresses and rings. I had all the feeling you guys commented on, no attraction, repulsion with the thought of intimacy, didn't like getting phone calls, and no attraction. Everyone said that this was normal and that I'd change and he'd change and that why I didn't say anything. But then I started feeling depressed when he and everyone around is so happy and I started feeling this isn't fair to both of us-why should he be with someone who isn't as happy to be with him as he is with her? And why should I be with him out of guilt or shame because I know he is a great guy and I just can't make myself feel how he wants me to feel?
I told my parents I can't do this, my dads doing damage control and my mom is so angry she is wishing for our death. My whole family is upset with me and they don't want to 'force' me to do anything but they want me to make the 'right choice'. My siblings support me so much and they understand that I can't just make myself like him, even though I tried so hard. Even with everyone's disappointment I still feel like I made the right decision and it's going to be hard to gain my family's trust and love again but you shouldn't keep quite hoping all your doubts will go away or your feelings will change.
I will keep you updated as to what happens, because I'm not so sure what will. I do hope for the best for all of you guys and stay strong, I'm really stressed and upset about how things turned out but I feel like a huge weight has been life red that I didn't realize was there.
GOOD ON you exactly same thing happened to me , went back home got engaged even tho I told my parents 100times that no I do not like the guy , but they will ask me for a meaningful answer I told them he is my cousin and I used to call him bother but no I got engaged it has been 9 months now, I gave him chance at the start of relationship I was honest yo him and told him I have no feelings for him and I did everything for my parents he screenshoted all my msgs and send it’s to my dad twice and I lost my dads trust , everyone’s knows in the family that I don’t like the guy I have got depression I’m 90 % of time upset and crying , I started smoking , cutting myself but no one cares . I’m still engaged I have made my decision if my family doesn’t care for me why should I???? I sacrificed everything for hem but they don’t give a dam about me . I’m leaving them and will go far away from all of them and disappear before this depression finishes me .
You don't want to live a life to only please your parents and thinking how upset your family/relatives will be. You want to live your own life and be happy with someone you feel true peaceful connection. The thought of marrying your cousin is making you sick and it's going to get worse after marriage. Don't listen to them when they say it's normal to feel disgust and no attraction. After marriage, it's not going be ok. Then they will say ok, have kids then you will like each other more. Your cousin probably wants to marry you, so that he can leave his home country.
ok guys so this is my story.
sheba, please register and submit your question as a separate post, thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
i have registered
Salam . Same :(( I like army type of guys , like who know how to fight, strong , and tall handsome. Well , sometimes I might not care about his look if he is serious and has good ideas , nice character with nice look . You know like smart leadership , . I am myself prone to army , investigation those kind of things and I find normal guys as boring . But sometimes manly fighters can be cringy too and if they don’t see woman for a long time , they start weird stares , disgusting words. Act like psychopath. And they are more good at cheating somehow . But I like someone teaching me how to fight , because I can not go to army or even boxing club because of its free mixing :(((((((. I love all those crazy things and I went so much things in my life , and regular life feels weird. But you know I got proposed by generous guy, he loves me despite my harshness even when I wore ugly outfit in front of him to get rid of him , he loves me idk why. And every time my mom prays for good guy he keeps coming back . And also no other girls I know had gifts like me despite saying no. every Eid he buys me gifts , he has a good sense . He is generous but I don’t like him , because all my life I expected handsome good guy from different culture. I like guys with colored eyes. Okay let’s say I don’t care about his look , he is normal and taller comparing my friend’s husbands. But idk I feel okay when I talk to him as a friend , but get disgusted when I think about marrying , ... and what happens after that and also having kids from him makes me feel cringe . Especially when he starts to express his love with words I feel like I wanna throw up . But other girls when they see my gifts , they start to question about him like idk why other girls can be easily attrackted . Maybe because I worked in mixed places and saw all those handsome guys in non Muslim country idk. I feel bad , because I am not sure . Married women say once you get married you won’t feel as you used to feel as a girl . They say every girl feels that way but once they get married that feeling will go away . So anyway I don’t know. I feel evil because I like his gifts and attention but not himself.