Rebuilding the love and trust in the marriage
Asalaam aleikum,
I recently reverted to Islam shortly after I married the most amazing man Allah has bestowed upon me. I know what a blissful marriage is through witnessing my grandparents' undying love for each other. I had always made the decision that I was going to be an amazing wife to my future husband.
That is all but untrue now as I have lied, hurt (emotionally scarred and physically hit my husband), disobeyed and disrespected him to the point that he has given up. He doesn't love or trust me anymore and I can't blame him - I've done so much wrong to him. He has been contemplating divorce for some time, but I think that he is waiting this last time to see if I will change and stop doing the same things, while preparing himself to move on in the event I do not change.
I am grateful that I still sleep in the same bed with him, and I am fully aware that I don't even deserve to be in Allah's presence because of all of the misconduct/mistreatment that I've given my husband. I've asked our Lord to forgive me for disrespecting Him, for disrespecting my husband, and for disrespecting myself. I am ready to change, and have submitted fully in my heart to the will of Allah since I realized my grave mistake. Is there anything that I can do to rebuild and repair the damage that I've done?
-love4Allah
Shokran for taking the time to read.
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AsSalamu Alaikum Sister,
I could suggest two things for you, Insha Allah.
-1- Learn to know why you disobeyed and disrespected your husband, and then forgive him.
-2- Learn to obey and respect him more than he could imagine.
Insha Allah, that would rebuild and repair the damage that has occured.
May Allah protect your marriage. Ameen.
Walaikum-as-salam Sister,
I can understand what you are feeling as not so long before, I was in a similar situation as you face today. I have lost the person I loved (and still do) so dearly for all the similar reasons and I feel much remorse occationally for my deeds. The fact that you have realized your mistake before it became too late is excellent, this was your first step towards the right path, realization! May Allah lead you through the right path and keep you steadfast, Ameen! My duas for you, that Allah (The Healer) to repair the bond between you and your husband and strengthen this bond and bring love and tranquility from this experience and help to bring you both closer to Allah, Ameen!
In your situation, it is important for you to ask yourself certain questions like: Why did you lie? What were you trying to hide? What caused you to stop yourself from speaking the truth? What were the things your husband was asking of you and why did you refuse to obey him?
When you say, you "physically hit" your husband, I am not sure how violent you mean. But what is more important here is to again, ask yourself, how did you husband react to the mistreatment you put him through? Was your husband still persistent in loving and caring about you? Did he give you chances to apologize for your actions? Did you apologize? If not, why did you not do so?
Reflect and think deeply about these questions and even more important is to be extremely honest about the answers. Ask yourself: Is this truly what I feel? Is this how it really happened and I am not trying giving a false impression of anything?
The reason you need to ask yourself these question, is to gain a better understanding of how you have ended up in the situation that you are in currently and then moving towards making things better. Even if the answers may not be in your favor. Speak to Allah, call upon Him, confess to Him, make duas to Allah as He loves hearing from His servants about their problems and loves it even more when His slaves ask Him for guidance.
Before you continue reading, Wait! Pause! Stop! Breath and Reflect on the questions!
One thing you could try from now itself, is to exceed the expectations your husband has from you, every time, until your husband tells you something like "enough! how much more are you going to do for me?". As an example, if he had asked you to do chores like cleaning dishes and you refused to in the past, then have the dishes shine like the sun. Get the house all neat, tidy, spik and span before he comes home from work, get yourself all fragrancy and smelling like a perfume bottle (not the intoxicating type) before he arrives home. Tell him how much you love and care about him when he comes back from work, give him a nice hug and a warm kiss when he comes back from work. Wrap your arms around him when you sleep with him in bed. Ask him about how his day was at work and things like that will express kindness, love and consideration to your husband. Believe me, if he ever loved you and should Allah will, your husband's heart is going to melt at such behavior of yours and will ask you something like "what's changed in you?" or "you seem to be very different, lately"! Doing something like this, in your case, is of extreme importance. This is just the first step to changing your own personality and getting your husband to rethink and deeply consider how he feels about you and leaving you. You need to get him to feel like, "there is no compassion in this world except for being in your arms!" 😉 and of course Allah, but in a different way! 🙂
I am no expert on love or psychology, there are plenty of halal materials that you see for yourself on these topics. Please do not start watching romantic movies to get ideas, they are rubbish. The best examples of love, kindness, mercy, compassion, etc. can be found in the relationship between our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and his wife Khadija (RA) and Aisha (RA) and many other wives of his, many stories have been narrated. You can also watch these YouTube videos to understand more about the emphasis on love in Islam:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpDBi4aWevo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkowK-OXus8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zI_vjfZjt9g
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeJnhaRvO0w
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZG0sjCiLaAs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0jZKKWgRPo
There are plenty more books, articles, videos, audio recordings you could read, watch and listen that can improve your knowledge on these topics. I also recommend you to go through this free online self-help course that I have personally found helpful to get rid of my "lying addiction". (Ok! That was a lie, I didn't really get rid of it, I still do lie when faced with certain type of questions, but I'm working on it!) 😛
http://sfhelp.org/site/intro.htm
Another important advice, I feel in your case is to stay off the topic of divorce. Do not ever speak about divorce with your husband. Should he speak about divorce with you, be extremely careful as to how you respond to your husband. It will have a huge impact on both, your life as well as his. First, get your husband to speak out clearly why he considers getting divorced. What are his expectations from you as a wife? Understand what he his expressing before assuming the entire blame on yourself. Second, bring Allah into the conversation and ask for another chance. Third, sincerely try your utmost to please him this time for Allah's sake. Simply, make full efforts on your part to be the "trophy wife" for your husband and be persistent in your dua to Allah to make the relation between yourself and your husband stronger, Ameen!
In worst case scenario, Allah forbid, be prepared. I'll be honest, it is going to hurt and it will be painful, but it is important to keep yourself emotionally and mentally stable.
Also, if it is in your capacity, you have the capabilities, time and wealth, I highly encourage you to take the BAIS program at Islamic Online University to increase yourself in Islamic knowledge and not for the sake of getting a degree per se. This would be extremely helpful for yourself, your husband your children in the future, InshaAllah, Ameen! 😉 ...as parents are childrens first Islamic teachers and obviously, it would be helpful for your Akhira as well! 🙂
http://bais.islamiconlineuniversity.com/
What a complete advice! Masha Allah. May Allah (s.w.t) reward you.
As Salam alaykoum sister cseq,
I just want to let you know that your sound, life changing advice has benefitted me so very much! I have been searching for self help sites and have been asking Allah to guide me in my circumstances, and was surprised and relieved to have read your response to this sisters problem. Alhmdulillah the you tube videos were of great importance to me and my problems. Truly, I can only say, jazaki Allahu khairun sister!
Sara
Sister,
Actions speak louder than words. Show your husband how much you love and appreciate him. God willing the two of you can work through this and save your marriage.
Salam
Assalaam ou alaikoum,
Tell him you're sorry and show him another side of you. Be a kind, tender, loving wife and show him that you regret your mistakes, until he believes it. If he really loved you, there might still be some love left that can heal and grow. We need to realise we shouldn't mistreat the ones we love . When he turnes away for good, than it will be too late. Sometimes we take people for granted and we think they're always gonna be there. And that is a misconception. One day it can all be over and all we are left with is regrets. You can do something about it before it is too late. I know what i'm talking about. I was in that kind of marriage. But it was my husband that acted the way you did and i was the one who lost all my love and respect for him at one point. Our personalities were so opposite that we had huge problems. We've been struggling for years, divorce was always on the table. Our marriage started with love, but at the end there was hardly anything left. It was miserable and I went trough hell with him. But I couldn't take the ultimate step to divorce, and neither could he. In the end we lived together because we didn't have the courage to divorce, but it was hardly a marriage. But miraculously, after all this hardship, Allah blessed us with understanding and respect for eachother. I guess deep down inside we never really stopped loving eachother. And now our marriage is stronger than ever alhamdoulilah. Nothing is impossible for Allah. To any marriage: Respect is the key. And believing in Allah is the number one solution.
Be the best person you can be.