Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We can’t cut our tie to one another

family argument, not talking, feud, dispute

Salam,

Please don't judge me. I am a fully qualified doctor and 31 years old.

My cousin fell in love with me when he was 18 years old, and he only told me this when we were 20 years old. I used to get along with him, but never loved him. We started chatting and soon I developed feelings for him. Everything was going well until his father gave divorce to his mother, who was my khala. Everything collapsed and both families split. My cousin send a rishta through his brother-in-law, but my mother rejected it because of what happened with my khala, and also he was not a doctor.

He then asked me to do a court marriage, but I never wanted to go against my parents. He then started pressuring me that he will get married and leave me. I still didn't agree to it, and eventually he got engaged. He then married the girl 6 months later. I was hear broken because we have been together for 12 years- it's a long time.

Even when he got married, he would still text me and tell me how much he loved me and that he wants to marry me. He is not happy with his wife, and he used to blame me for everything because I didn't take a stand and marry him against my parents wishes.

He also now his a 3 year old daughter. I bought gifts for him, his wife and daughter. He texts me every day. If he doesn't text me I become very agitated.
Numerous times I have tried to end all ties and try to consider someone else for marriage, but I can't. I sincerely have tried, I even went on umra twice and prayed so much.

He is coming to Dubai next month, and the plan is to do a nikkah and then he will move to Dubai. I still don't feel it's right. I don't want to ruin this other girl's life, but he says she took my space.

He some time argues with me and says a lot of horrible stuff about my parents, saying that they didn't agree and I should have convinced them.
Despite all this, I cant get over it. I constantly am checking my phone to see whether he has messaged on it.

Please guide me and give me some practical advice.

-Novera

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3 Responses »

  1. The only way you can stop all this is stop communicating with him. He got married and has a child already. It’s not right for him to still have lusts for you. Imagine what would happen if his wife founds out

  2. You are going to do a wrong thing and your parents will not allow you to do this. If you have to go against your parents will then why you did it before when he was unmarried ?

  3. Al Salaamu Alaykum,

    You said the plan is to go to Dubai and meet him for a nikkah, but you are leaving your parents out of it. Your father is your wali. If he is not a part of the marriage, the marriage will not be valid.

    To be honest, marrying him to solve the agony of what you have been going through for all these years is an option. But if you don't do the marriage properly, you haven't achieved anything. This is, of course, assuming you've made istikhara and you feel that is the course that Allah wants you to take (toward marrying him). If it is Allah's wish, then it's not going to go outside of His limits. You have to have your wali with you at the nikkah to give consent.

    Outside of that, you don't have a life with him. You don't have a justifiable basis upon which to remain in contact with him, buying gifts for him, and holding your heart aside for him. Not only that, you are making yourself miserable year after year, waiting and wishing for something clearly not meant for you.

    The deen is not easy. It wasn't meant to be a cakewalk. Submitting to Allah is going against what sometimes feels natural to the self. Doing what is right and healthy for yourself and for others, is sometimes painful, too. But if you really want the right and best results, you have to go the hard way, and make the hard choices. So make the hard choice to bring your father into the decision, or make the hard choice to cut contact with this man who is not for you. In the end, those choices will ease you more than going on as you have for more years to come.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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