We’re separated because he is abusive and sells drugs – should I divorce?
My spouse and I have been seperated for 7 months now. I left him because he had a drug problem, was out until mornings on a daily basis, ignored me, put me down, sold drugs, did drugs in our home, and occasionally hit me.
We have had a series of issues since we got married. We were seperated for a while because he hit me and my brother called the cops on him, I don't think he really got over that since he blames me for all the misery in his life..
Currently I see him when he picks up and drops off our daughter, I have slept with him a few times since.. after all he is my husband..
I have tried to talk to him so that we can work things out ( I don't think he is completely off drugs but doing a lot better) he says that I am the reason for his misery, that I did so much wrong to him that everything I have done is unforgiveable and that I need to move on.
I talk to him and tell him that I understand but he also hurt me he was also never around for his family, he also put us in danger and all he says is that I am blind to not be able to see that I am the reason for all of this and that things will never be the same and that the things I did and the way I went back to my family is unforgiveable and that I cannot make mistakes so big and expect to be forgiven or taken back because he is not a mockery.
I just don't understand how a human can be so ignorant to his mistakes and faults and not feel guilty not even one bit. I don't understand how he can go days without seeing his son or even not pay his child support.
I am still there for him whatever he needs whether it is a drive somewhere or whether it is money or anything.
I just dont understand and I don't know what to do anymore either. I am tired and exhausted and so hurt.
Am I doing the right thing by going for divorce? What should i do? He won't talk to anyone and his whole family hasn't approached mine, saying they don't want to get involved. Now my family has taken action since I am the girl and it is 3eib.
I don't know what to do. I love him so much and I just don't understand what his problem is. I fought for him I married him and my family wasn't too happy about it. They have done many mistakes towards him (talked about him, belittled him etc..) and he has done many towards them (hit me, belittled me, yelled at them, etc.). I seem to be in the middle of this all and now I have a son with this man and he can't get over it.
Another thing is he is 27 and when I come to him and tell him let's get divorced he says that when the UK papers are finalized he will divorce me or he says lets sit down and talk custody then we can divorce. And when I say to him all is resolved you can see him every weekend and child support you can pay he says you don't understand how much you hurt me or how much of a horrible match you are for me etc etc.
I keep telling myself that although we live here in the uk we are Muslims and you need to divorce me if you don't want me you need to let me go and he just says well you brought me here and now I am going to act just like everyone else.
- D
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Fighting is prescribed for you, and ye dislike it. But it is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knows, and you know not.
Ponder on that verse dear sis
Assalaamu alaikum dear sister. I am sorry for the trouble that you are going through in your marriage with the confusion and the hurt. I hope that Allah swt eases your pain and makes it easy for you.
i am only assuming the situastion from what you have wrote so Allah forgive me if I am wrong.
Drug addicts often experience personality changes as you have seen. Hes also trying to make you feel guilty. (Its irrelevant but Im baffled..Why do people do this? Does anyone know?)
The important stuff
Dear sister, I want to assure you that if this man is everything you say you he is - divorce is definetely the best way forward. This is not the way that the Prophet SAW would treat his wives, far from it.
Hitting is completely inappropriate so i strongly urge you NOT to go back to him. Better yet - dont look back. I personally think calling the police is not unjustified in this case, maybe thats why hes angry. Rather than focussing on the pain hes caused u and the mistakes hes made- he focussing on you calling the police
Dear sis, the things he is saying show u that he is unwilling to change. You cant make amends when you are refusing to admit u have a problem. How can you repent and go back to the straight path when you dont acknowledge you have sinned/ wronged someone. You cant. As he is like this = you have to accept the cold hard truth - he is NOT going to change until he realises this.
Doing less drugs is not the same as making a firm intention to quit.
He also wants you to move on - yes it hurts, especially when you love someone and have fought for them- I know I had the same things said to me by someone I was going to marry. He switched from one min to blaming me, to threatening me to trying to convince me to stay. Your husband sounds exactly like him.
I know how it messes with your head- But accept what he wants
No matter how much you love him, this is a blessing in disguise. And Allah swt will reveal the hidden blessing in it one day (just as He did to me - I am now so thankful I was saved). You will heal InshaAllah over time. Dont listen to the blame he puts on you. Ask Allah swt to beautify your character, and give u the strength to get through it. Pray (if u dont already). Take the time to get close to Allah swt.
Divorce your husband. (Apply for khulaa if necessary) Dont sleep with him anymore, even if divorce takes some time. Maybe its best to tell him nicely that your done. Dont accuse him, dont fight. Tell him hes right and you want to move on, your sorry for the way the marriage has ended and that you hope u can both move on. InshaAllah u will get a better response from him this way. Tell him you dont want to delay. If he does apply for khulaa.
Know that your feelings will fade. You may experience some doubts (which are normal) but you need to let him go. Focus on your son, yourself and your deen. I know u will be worried about lack of a father figure but Its better that he does not grow up in such a toxic environment.
Sorry for the long post - I pray that Allah swt gives u and your son strength, emaan and happiness in this life and the next. Ameen
Always trust in Allah - He would not give you a burden which you cannot bear, you are stronger than you think. and in trials there are hidden blessings. If you bear this with patience it may be your ticket to Jannat. May it be so.I want to reassure you again that you are doing the right thing. xx
Beautiful response SrMuslimah, Masha'Allah 🙂
Jzk sis for your kind comment. I have read many beautiful ones from you. May Allah reward you and all who assist on the site immensely! Ameen
Salam sister,
I am sorry to read about your unfortunate situation. May Allah make this time easier for you and give you the wisdom to make the right decision, ameen. Sister you should seek divorce from this person right away. I would never suggest divorce to anyone unless I know that being with that person is going to cause more loss than benefit. You alhumdulillah have a child with this person. Do you really want to expose her to his "druggie" father? What morals and values will your child learn. Parents model behaviours for their children and he is certainly not the best father figure. You need to walk out now and stay away from this man. Do not listen to his nonsense of "Oh I do all this because of you. It's you who makes me do all this".
Honestly, these type of men have no self-respect, they can't even man up to admitting their own mistakes. There are numerous ways to cope and deal with a difficult situation, but resorting to coping mechanisms like drugs and alcohol is just callous and shallow. You are NOT responsible for HIS actions: HE is! If you decide to remain with this person, then consider yourself booking a ticket to hell in this life! You will not be happy. You need to be strong and tell yourself that you are doing this for your and your child's safety, that is paramount right now!
Type error: Do you really want to expose her to her "druggie" father?
im sorry u ppl appear to be judgemental and dont appear to have seen much of the "darker side" of life. i dont know its just some of the responses seem a bit harsh or shallow.
anywayz some men dont want to leave. they wont accept divorce, or separation.. the only way i will be free is if one of us dies or i actually leave my home. i wish to be patient and i know for definate whatever he does he is responsible for. Allah is great.
Please do istakhara and seek help from Allah. My opinion would be to leave him as he would be a bad influence for your kids as well, but I may be wrong. If you do get an indication after istakhara to divorce, leave him and try not to go back to him as that is not good for you. You can pursue your studies and get a job so you can support your kids.