IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Salaamu Alaaikum

I know what Islam says about mothers, but my mother is an alcoholic.

She is mentally, physically and emotionally abusive. For many years I suffered depression, nervous breakdowns and many failures, because I couldn’t focus! Always trying to find out; what is wrong with me. I am a 22 year old blessed female taking her master degree this year, inshallah. But I am so concerned for my mother and her health; she is already suffering from diabetes, and has lost tremendous weight.

I know she have gone through a lot of things in life, and tries her best to be a good mother, towards me and my siblings. But there is too much bad, in our home. She is constantly dissing me, Islam, Allah swt, the prophet saws, etc. (for the record my mother is Muslim)

The hurtful things she have said to me, has ruined me a lot. For many years we have had arguments, which led to physical fights, and me being kicked out the house. Once she even called the police on me, (her own daughter). She told them that, they should take me out the house, and that I was no longer welcome in my own home Subhanallah. (I only told her to fix up and it resulted to being kicked out)

I then left, but quickly came back, after she had calmed down. I really don’t want to leave her by herself, in fears of what might happen to her. The most horrible day in my life, was when my mother tried to commit suicide, whilst being drunk. My mother had got so drunk, that we had got into a bad argument. It led to me saying, hurtful things to her, and she then jumped out of the fifth floor building. Thanks to Allah (swt) I managed to grab her in split seconds, and pull her back in. Her entire body was literally, hanging outside the window.

That day still haunts me, and even gives me nightmares. I have become scared of heights. I am mentally living in fear, that she tries to commit suicide again. I know I would blame myself forever, and never get over it. She is always threatening to commit suicide, because of ‘me’ she says. Other times she is extremely violent towards me. To such an extent, that she runs after me, with a knife. And most times, she hits, spits, and bruises me.

When I was younger, I wasn't strong enough to defend myself from all this. So I always just took the beating, or  ran into my room and locked the doors. But today things have become different, now that I am older. And now that I am older, everything is depressing me, more than when I was little. I am so paranoid. Seeing her drunk, hurts me so much, and makes me cry and  I feel so much anger. I feel so ashamed of my life. I can’t even hold myself back, from saying mean things to her. I try my best to keep my mouth shut. But she always provokes me to the point, that I no longer have control over myself.

Sometimes when she tries to fight me, I end up pushing her away from myself. And other times when it is extreme, I fight back for her, to get off from me. I hate myself for it. And the pain that goes through me, after the fights, can’t be put in words. ( I KNOW I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO, BEHAVE LIKE THIS AT ALL).

I am the oldest. I am left with my 10 year old sister and mum. My parents are divorced. My father has never been involved. I hate the fact that my sister, has to witness all this madness.  I can already tell how my sister, has become isolated, and depressed from within. She has too much on her plate. It breaks my heart sincerely, I am so worried for the things she is going through, and is going to face later in life.

I already know the things people say about my family, and how they portray us. It hurts me so much.

My upbringing and problems in life resulted to me not practicing my deen, for a long time. I have many regrets in life, but today I am trying my best, not to walk the wrong path, and setting an example for my sister. I have thought about moving out the house, but I can’t leave my sister by herself, and not helping my mum on getting better. I feel so helpless. (SHE WOULD NEVER AGREE TO GO TO ANY AA MEETING). Don’t know who and where to turn to, without being judged, and looked down upon. I always pray and make dua, that she soon will get better and quit everything bad she is doing.

My mother, do not even acknowledge she has drinking problems, or that she even drinks at all! She is in denial, for everything that is going on. I am just so tired, I can’t take anymore. I am trying my best to be a good Muslim, by doing my duties as a Muslim, and at the same time focusing on my studies. But I feel like I am about to lose my mind soon, and go crazy.

Also i need to mention that i have marriage plans with a guy, who doesn't know any of my family problems, i am dealing with. I fear that if he found out, he would be ashamed and therefor cancel all the marriage plans. Or even his family for that sake! I am so scared about everything i do in life, i am sincerely in need of some advice. I don’t have anyone to talk to, about any of these things. I really don’t know how to cope anymore, and still be a good Muslim and help my mother. I pray that you can help me, Inshallah.

Naji.