I can’t stop hating my father for what he put me through; please help.
Screaming father
Assalam Alaikum,
Sometimes when i sit with nostalgic grownups like me who reminisce over their beautiful childhood and how much they would love to go back to it, i feel so left out that i have nothing to add to the conversation. i cant even as much as nod my head in approval to that one. my childhood memories r of as early as a 2yr old toddler. Some ppl don't remember their 1day at playgroup. i only wish they were pleasant. as a toddler i was always scared, i dunno y but i remember waking up in the middle of the night in pitch darkness.. crying and my mum trying to console me and then my dad getting disturbed to extent where he starts thrashing me to shut me up so he cud sleep again. my mum's helpless efforts to save me from getting hurt. then i remember his belt hitting me or the bed. me trying to gasp for breath and then mum fleeing the room with me into the lobby of the house. trying to put me back to sleep.
the second one is probably around the same time of the yr or maybe a little later. my mom screaming for help. her horror stricken face her hair haywire and huddled in a corner and my dad again with that infamous belt, hitting her like maniac. i remember crying in panic and then i throw up. i was my parent's 1child. And if i were to believe the description most ppl gave,i was a very pretty infant. so i don't know exactly y i was made to feel so unwanted on so many occasions. 2 more sisters were born after me. my parents never had a son. but none of my sisters were ever thrashed like this.. so i remember growing up with a very low confidence level and a lot of fear. i obviously could not physically run away from any of that but i had my own escape route. i took refuge in my dream world. i often wished i lived with a very loving couple as my parents with toys in the house and laughter and comfort and all that i never had.
soon i became a pro at escaping like this, n y not? it made me happy. it was big joint family of an elderly couple who lived there with a widowed old sister and 7 sons. my father was the eldest and somehow was made to believe that his younger brothers were his priority. the problem was that mother and us just weren't there on the list. my habit to dreamed followed me to school and it irritated my teachers. i was barely there in the class (physically). complaints found their way to my home and i was subjected to more thrashing..so more the thrashing the more the dreaming. crazy as i was. i would dream of some1 coming home looking for a lost child who probably got exchanged and then taking me away.. then i began to lose things in school. nothing bit but pencils erasers sharpeners,crayons and then my mum would find out and she would beat the hell out of me while she would curse me like '' wish u were never born. god knows which evil moment i had u blah blah.''
i don't blame her. she was frustrated and me being the stronger 1 could b used as a punch bag. the other sibling was weak, had been to the hospital twice for jaundice and the third one was still a.baby so ..yeah i was a better candidate. my mum's relationship with my grandma were.strained and she.wud often complain about her.to my father and the action movie wud start without much warning. i was always scared of dad. i was never never comfortable in his presence. something wud crawl on my nape if he entered the room and my heart wud race like it wud fail any minute. then my sis started acting up because she could without any consequence. she was like a replica of my dad.. she thot she cud hit me too and so she did whenever she liked n if i hit her back i wud b seen and then beaten by my parents for being. i wud just sit and wonder which bruises came from mum or dad and which one from my sis.
things as opposed to as i had assumed began to worsen as i grew. 1day while returning home frm school with a faithful friend a street side romeo began to follow us. it was a very common thing. these loser kinda guys often sat on the bus stop outside my convent school so they cud tease the school girls and this time we were of the unlucky lot. i reached home and she.went.ahead alone. the next day she told me that he stooped following after i reached home so it was clear who he was after. but we were sure that it wont hapn agin. we were so wrong. he was right there on the street with his friends and now i was really scared. we ignore him bt it went on. he wud yell stupid stuff like i love you and throw a.note at me which i obviously never picked but that scared the 2 of us so much that friend told me that she cudnt walk home with me anymore. i was alone but i coudnt tell my parents. i didn't trust them. i knew that inevitable they will blame me.and ill get beaten. so i changed my route. it was longer and lonelier but i cud use it coz that way i cud avoid him bit the problm was if.. he ever found out then i wud get in a real trouble coz no1 cud even hear me scream.
at home i was not myself i was always worried. i wud secretly cry pray to Allah to let that boy find another girl to stalk. some1 who wud enjoy his stupidity. but then my teick was short lived and 1 fay wen i was in the widow i saw him looking and me and i screamed in horror. as if he got me. my parents found out. the cops git involved. the boy , was slapped , warned and then sent back home. but my ordeals had just begun. i was blamed for his actions. my father was certain that i had provoked him and that he was just stupid and i was the kind of girl who will get raped one day and i cried so much i wish i cud die. i was so lonely. i lost my friend and the trust which they probably had in me. he didn't stop at that. he called me disgusting names and mum also joined him and i was beginning to feel guilty for his actions. i kept going back and forth in my head trying to make sense out of it and i couldn't place my finger on one thing that i did to start this. if was scarred enough of my environment now i was even more.
i hated myself. i wasn't able to defend myself and that was horrible feeling. my father was a ladies man. at work he has many female friends and though they came home to spend time and chat with him none of these women ever made an effort to interact with my mum. he transformed into a very intellectual and sweet talker. he would call me and introduce me to them and hug me like he were the best dad alive. if he were with a religious aged person he would talk like a pious man and if he were with hia kuffar friends he would talk like a so called liberal. basically every1 liked him. he had a long list of female friends so he often threatened leave her and marry again. my mother was a very weak person. she bought all that from him. and he dominated us like a narcissist. i need emotional support and at a little age if 14 committed myself to sum1 who was 19. it was a very decent relationship that really helped me and after 4 yrs i told my parents about it. it didn't go down too well and i was thrashed yet again. it was a routine now but i wasn't going to give in.
i just wanted sum1 to love me and i had to leave this place as early as i cud. he tried everything to pressurize me. when beatings didn't work he began to threaten me that would leave my mum. but i still didn't budge. then began to verbally abuse. he said such disgusting things that i wanted to slap him to death. then he changed the strategy. he said he was ready and that we should b married asap so we don't commit zina. it sound so wise but i almost laughed at the fact that it came from him. 1day mysteriously an old lady appeared and she was introduces to us as a mother of one of his employees who was basically here to help us prepare for the wedding since v were all so inexperience. it was strange that we had never heard about her b4 and now she was her almost living in our house.(by now we had just moved into a nuclear setup).
she said she was a very holy lady who had special gifts and she could tell us about anything we asked. she quite accurate and i must say my mum began to trust her to no extent and even stopped doubting her intentions. but for all the holiness she never prayed even once and had really long nails which didn't match the description of even an ordinary Muslim ( leave the pious alone). soon me my fiance began to fight and we would fight over stupid things. we would regret and come back saying sorry and all that jazz but then we would fight again. i would throw my phone and throw his and it was getting nastier at the point when i declared my breakup. it hit me soon after that this wasn't what i wanted but i felt a block in my head like i couldn't go back or change my decision.. my fiance was devastated .. we both went into severe depression. my dad quickly called every relative to inform about the breakup. i was living my biggest nightmare. i had lost the only thing i had and i was sobbing and my dad was so happy that he was laughing and congratulating. he fixed my marriage somewhere else and packed me off within 6 months.
i was struggling with a whole bunch of issues. firstly the cultural shock in the new home. absolute void. no connection with the new stranger and the baggage of the tragedy. within a few months i hear my mom on the phone. she was breaking the news that dad was all set to marry again and it was this girl who's parents trusted my dad as her guardian. well to cut it short her parents found out about the plan and stopped with much drama. i could never love him nor respect him. whenever i think about him i get a very bitter taste in my mouth. although i have decided to become religious but i have been told that i will not enter jannah if i don't love my parents. that i should kiss them and hud them but unfortunately i cannot do any of these things.
its been 13 yrs since.my marriage but those memories still make me cry. every time i buy a new dress i wanna weep. it reminds me of those days when we were deprived while my uncles enjoyed my father's money. we still have no connection. i acquired my post graduation degree and i though i have moved on with my kids but i still feel miserable about it. i cant erase these nasty episodes from my head. i am very polite to both my parents and i love my mum to death but i still cant stand the.sight of my dad and although i don't show it, Allah (swt) knows what i conceal.
plz help,
Apple Green
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Asalamu alikum,
Sister you have been through so much and I am proud of you for being the person you are today even after all that abuse.
In your childhood, you were wrongly abused physically, mentally, and psychologically and grew up in an extremely unhealthy home. This was your past and now you are an adult and still hate your dad. Sister I dont blame you for hating him, i dont think there is any blame on you for hating someone who did such things to you. Its very normal.
One thing you can do is ask Allah to help you deal with your pain that he caused and try to understand where he came from.
Most likely he came from a home where he saw his mother abused, and he was probably abused as child. Maybe he has softened with age, and is able to treat you better now that you are a married woman. It would be interesting to talk to him about his family and what they did to him. Because abuse is a learned behavior. Hate his behavior, and look at your father as a little boy who never had a proper father and just was rotten to his kids because he didnt know how to be a good dad. Maybe visit your parents if they allow, but if they dont- hey atleast you tried. Maybe you can build that connection and make it healthy again. But you dont have to if you are not ready.
And sister, the best thing you can possibly do for yourself and your children is that you can stop the cycle of abuse. Please stop it in your home, make sure your children are treated well and loved and have a proper home. This is the best gift you give to the world. You may have been abused and hurt, but you take that pain and say yah Allah I will never hurt my children and demeen them and I will be the best parent and that is how you can heal.
Sister sorry about such a quick response as i have to go. But please do talk to a close friend/or Councillor about this in your local area because it does feel much better to speak to someone in person.
But take care of yourself, your marriage, and your children. Your life has been a test my dear sister, and you have gone through alot, but there is hope in the struggle as well because if you are steadfast and on the right path and turn to Allah- all those years of suffering will be rewarded my dear in the hereafter. Make lots of dua for Allah to help you in your healing process because it does take a long long time to forgive someone who did horrible things towards you and thats understandable.
Assalamu alaikum sister,
I have been through something of the same nature . I get flashback attacks too .. I know the feeling, but I am so sorry for you sister, i have no words of wisdom for but I will pray for you my dear sister I will In Shaa Allah..
May Allah guard you..
I have something for u,, as i rarely read all stories but indeed i must saynthat TO GET ALL UR GRIDGE OUT OF URSELF SPEW ALL WHAT U CAN INFRONT OF YOUR FATHER THATS IT BE BOLD ABD BLUNT NOW
yeah it would help and probably do the job but if you do be careful don't be on your own and don't be disrespectful
and i do know to some extent how you feel as i was in a simerly situation as a child then in my marriage i got out of one hole only to be thrown into another
i will pray for you your story touched me so much please make sure you learn a lesson from this and not repeat it break the cycle get some counselling you need it and it does help i did and it most certianly helped me to move on and i am moving on
Assalamu allykum sis,i feel your pain,i had some of your problems when i was little,like my heartbeating when my dad comes to the room,i use to be scared to even talk to him,and i used to dream that i was a lost child and at the end met my real perent which is dream,i can remember asking my mum when i was little wheather i was her child,if not because of the picture she had before i was born,i wouldnt believe her tell now,alhamdulilah...BELIEVE in Allah swt,have faith,all the suggestion i saw are very great,just learn to forgive for Allah's sake,and remember every new day is a blessing,you are mum, your kids want you to smile,i know its hard...<3 you are brave dearest sis and Allah s.wt. Loves you <3.
They is always hope when in darkest forest. Am sure Allah s.wt. Will bless you,MAY HE GRANT YOU PEACE AMIIN
I pray things get better for in sha Allah,may Allah s.w.t bless you.
Dear Sister,
Forgive your father even though I am certain that you will never forget what he did to you. It has been many years since you have married yet you are haunted by the memories of the abuse you endured at the hands of someone who was supposed to love and care for you. Have you ever gone to see a psychologist? You could talk to a professional who will not judge you but listen to what you have to say and find ways to help you deal emotionally with your past abuse. If you have not, maybe it would be a good place for you to start. Talking to a professional may very well help release some of your pent up anger and hurt that you have kept inside of you for so many years. Please get help, you owe it to yourself.
Salam
Asalamualaikum Sister,
Sister what you been through it's so hard to forget the pain specially when it's your own father. Still I will suggest you to forgive him and love him. He is getting older one day he will be no more then trust me in this world no one will cry like you, dose not matter how much you hate him you will feel him more then anyone els. Sister our parents need our dua when they are not anymore it's us who will raise our hands and ask Allah to forgive them.I know it's not easy but try to find some his good nature aswell sister by this you will love him. Allah is watching you that after so pain still you cate for your father well which you never neglected but try to put this in your heart sister.
I will tell you a short story, one of my friend her father treated her like this even worse I can say because I know her since playgroup. her father used to beat her front for her friends if she say something which he didn't like it she was torched like this 24years now she is married. Cut the story short she used to hate her father she didn't respect him at all. When her father was about 77yr he was getting sick day by day and was in ICU for 2week she didn't visit him because her anger I used to tell her go visit but she didn't then 1 days before her father died he was calling her name nonstop then the hospital called then she went to visit him. When he saw her I was with her he tries to take his oxygen out and he forward his hand then they hugged. Trust me I couldn't stop my tears then her father told her forgive me if you can I wish I can reverse the clock and treated you like the way a daughter deserve.I think Allah gave him chance to hold her and share daughter and father feelings.
Sister I know if you don't grow like this environment it's hard to feel what they been. But as a daughter, wife and a mother all I can say that love him ask for his forgiveness to Allah.
salaam
nice answer and very true
Ur comment has touched me. I told this story to my mum and while i was narrating this we both cried. I know i will miss him, ill miss that dad which he could never become for whatever reasons. Sister i have forgiven him but its like.,a lot has hapnd. So much that i couldnt even type. My eyes were so blurry with tears that u must have noticed the number of horrible mistakes i have made in my post.
Our relationship wasnt just bad it simply didnt exist. It never developed. I dont have a single i mean SINGLE happy or relaxing memory of us. He has so much anger for me and i dont know y. Even today.
salaam
may be you could ask him if not face to face in writing and post it to your father and write any questions you may have and see if it makes him realise his mistakes and make amends before it is too late
allah hafiz
Sister you know that Allah loves those people who struggle and fight through their life to maintain there iman and deen. To be honest I am sure Allah has already written good things inshallah you will get in this life and after because the pain you going through Allah is watching and I am sure that happiness is not that far from you. I was like lost in my married life since I started pray then I realized I was never alone Allah was with me and Allah will be with me all I need to have patient and maintain my iman. That's all Allah wants from us and rest is Allah who showers all blessings and happiness in our life. It's not very difficult it's us people make difficult.
Yes i heve turned to Allah and want to strengthen my faith and grow spiritually. Just recently i decided to take a course to train myself as a counsellor and i was just about to join the institute so i could help others heal..but im not too sure if ill b able to detach myself and treat patients as a case. Its quite possible ill get emotionally involved as well. All this is hindering my plans.
i have to move on.
I think i tried to mail him but my mum stopped me by saying u will stress him out, just forget it. He wont confront sister he will fight with my mum to get even with me.
Masha allah
what a great answer!
Thanks Sister Nadia.
Assalamualikum
Reading your painful narration one thing is evident, that you are certainly not feeling any positive about your past. One has to admit that you were not treated like you would have wished to be treated. Surely, from your narration it appears that your father is not a pious man and consequently, your mother too is miserable. But then you have to transcend all these feelings and move beyond the feelings of give and take. Forget that you were ill treated by your father, think about all the blessings that Allah has bestowed upon you. He created us, then fed us; gave us two eyes, and so many vital organs. He gave us an understanding that we can see obvious good and bad although some people are blinded to that. Your father, for example is blinded to so many things, but you are not. Allah chose you to see truth and evil and hate all evil. He made you suffer because of somebody's else's lack of understanding, so that you might have a clear first hand experience of what evil means and how bad it is when someone suffers because of somebody else's lack of understanding. Thank Allah that you were at the receiving end and not the one inflicting pain and misery upon others because had you not experienced misery like this, may be you too might have turned into a beast like most of the people that don't realize the pain they cause. Therefore think about all those gifts Allah provided you with. Perhaps He planned it all for your children. He wished that you should not inflict the same misery and pain to your children. Similarly, try to forgive all that your father did to you. One has to pity people that don't realize simple things to joy and turn to violence and evil actions in order to quench their evil desires. How miserable are these people because they don't realize just some basic simple things. We must thank Allah for all the good he provided us with and especially for the book he provided us in which he explains all good things to us.
I would suggest that you read sura yousf because Yousf (pbuh) too was ill treated and had to suffer immense pain. But people that suffer thus are the ones Allah loves when they turn to him for consolation.
Thanx to all u beautiful brothers and sisters for all the support. I tried getting professional help but just as soon as i began i brokedown in front of the counsellor and cudnt muster up enuff strenght to revisit her clinic. Even typing this stuff wasnt easy.
jazak Allah for taking time to read and comment. Every advice is precious to me.
You have to began to first love yourself and then you"ll be able to forgive ur father. My father received custody of me at 13 and brought me into his home only to hate me. I felt like I was an inconvience becuz he was a ladies man. I hated him for years, but when I began my journey and started to recieve knowledge about God...I knew that I couldnt let no one have that much power over me. If u continue to accept negative energy into ur life u would not grow spiritually. U would inflict those same behaviors in ur present & future relationships. Focus on the fact that Allah loves you & u should never treat ur children in such evil ways. Allah wants u to forgive and seek his guidance and leave your old baggage in the past. Ur dad will be judge according to his works and you would to(so make peace). The details are no longer a priority..healings is mandatory..even if u dont go to ur father..start the process between u & Allah! .Its time to let it go and finally move forward. May Allah continue to Bless you
No im not violent as most ppl tend to get. Im quite patient with my children and very protective. Sometimes reading about other ppl who have treaded the same route makes me feel less lonely. I think i can inderstand their ordeal better. Thanx for sharing ur experience with me. Yes i have also begun my spiritual journey alhamdolillah and i feel better but i do get flashbacks that break me. Like while sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's clinic an article made me cry and it was embarrassing coz ppl saw me. Im not getting my closure any soon. I think i have forgiven him but i cannot forget. so until then plz Pray for me.
Assalam'alaykum,
I'm saddened to hear of your situation and what you've faced. Be strong and insha'Allah I'll remember you in my du'a.
May Allah have mercy on you, may He bless you for your patience, may He bless your husband and kid/s, may He grant you happiness and peace, may He reward you greatly and may He protect you from the evil of the accursed shaytan. Ameen.
Aameen. Jazak Allah.
Alhamdulillah Ya Allah for everything .
For every single blessing in it's true form
For every single blessing in a form or a trial/hardship without which we would have never been able to become the people we are today .
For every single time you held onto us and on the day Qiyamah which you will show us about how worse things could have been
We can't thank you enough for Blessing us with the light of this Deen and We can't wait to see your face in Jannah.
Wallahi Ya Rabb, Any difficulty that makes us closer to you a.k.a better people is better than the world and everything it contains.
Sister I'm moved, I noticed how incoherent your wording in the post was , and how fluent and well punctuated your comments were .I can see how much you have been hurt, but I will tell you this,for every single thing that you have gone through Allah will compensate you and DON'T YOU EVER DOUBT IT AND I PRAY HE DOES THAT IN THE DAY WHEN OUR HEARTS AND EYES WILL BE OVERTURNED AND WHEN EVERY SON OF ADAM WILL BE CONCERNED WITH HIMSELF.
Sister I pray that your married life is great.
A insignigicant cell in the body of this Ummah
Jazak Allah
you may be a helpless slave of Allah but a very helpful advisor to this sister.
May all ur prayers b answered.
Assalamualaikum Warhamtullahi Wabarakaatuhu Sister.
Don't want scrutinize on every single thing ,yet it is my duty to point out this as I see many Muslims do it.
They just say Jazakallah(جزاك اللهُ) which means "May Allah compensate you with" and it is not complete ,hence we should add Khayr (خيراً) to it to make the full sentence read as
"May Allah compensate you with good".
This short video is where I got this from Saying jazakallah
Baarakallahumma feek Sis. I pray that Allah gives you wisdom through which you understand the bigger picture in every single trial that he puts you through
salaam
jazakala khair for that very important information HelplessSlave
JazakAllah khair. Excuse the non arabic speakers. Allah knows our intention is to wish for u the best..nothing less.
Assalamualaikum Warhamtullahi Wabarakaatuhu Sister.
Sorry if I sounded too bossy or as a know-it-all for pointing that out. It's a beautiful supplication that you are making for a person , you never know what great things it could bring to a person.
P.S - I am fluent in Arabic as much as I am fluent in Spanish , Italian and Japanese. Lets just say that my vocabulary in all these languages put together does not cross single figures 😛
apple green sister. hide your sins. keep it between you and Allah.
like this one "i need emotional support and at a little age if 14 committed myself to sum1 who was 19"
May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
She is not revealing her sins, since we do not know her identity. People submit their questions anonymously so they can get advice. In order to get honest advice, they must be honest about their situation.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
@apple green - Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.
@Wael - Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.
I am also asking her not to reveal it to her family and friends/others.
Assalam'alaikum
i understand what u mean. I was only 14 and felt so much hate around me that for reassurance and emotional support allowed myself into a romantic relationship. Brother it was 1994 or 95 and somehow the fitna was not as bad as it is today. There was nothing physical about that relationship, even if a couple was caught holding hands it was considered a scandal. i never left home for anything but school which was just 2 blocks away so i never dated him besides brother my parents were not religious so i did not know that even getting friendly or pure love for a non mehram was a form of zina. Alhamdolillah i know that now and i can guide my children but i was in a state of devastating confusion. Rejection at home generally leads to blunders, Allah swt saved me. I could have landed into worst if it was some nasty guy.I mean I was so fragile that any1 could have exploited me. Alhamdolillah.
Oh my god i am experiencing the same. Im 16 and I'm experiencing exactly the same thing as you did. I swear. Exactly. I cant even count with my fingers how many times he has been threatening my mum to marry other women. But my mum is a little bit naive. I guess that's the only difference. I love my mum so much. My mum deserves jannah basically. She's been too strong that she makes me mad at myself for being not as strong as her :'(
Hi I'm Rebecca. I'm 11 and your story sounds like mine. I am now moody and irritateed most the time. The first time when problems started happening when i was 4 or at least thats the earliest i can remember. My mom and dad was fighting for the whole summer. My dad was really mad and kept on making rude comments any time he saw my mom. Eventually my mom stood up for herself. My dad was now furious and he smashed the back door window and stormed to his room. After that my mom left the next day and took me and my siblings with her. We went acrossed town and while we played at the park my mom was talking to my dad on the phone. Then everything was ok. But recently my dad has been really mean to me and get mad if i ask the simplest questions. I used to cry. But now it don't even bring tears to my eyes. I hate him now for everything he's done to my family. I can't get over it.