Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I cheated on my fiance’ with his brother; Can we still get married?

Man with guilty woman in the background (cheating)

Cheating wife.

i have a confession; my fiance' brother and i had sexual intercourse. i told my fiance; he was shocked .. he got upset but is more upset because he is unsure if we can still marry and he doesn't know if we can. we are Muslim; my family isnt so strick nor is his. we can marry who ever we want don't matter if we are virgin or not .... but my fiance brother looks just my fiance .. i missed him so much and his brother forced me. i don't want to tell my parents and he doesn't want to either we don't know if we can get married now. can someone please help me ... please ...he thinks it will say somthing in quran about this but we dont know if we can get married due to this, he still wants to marry me ...

pleaae anwser my question.

habibi.abid


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37 Responses »

  1. As-salamu alaykum,

    Your account of the incident does not make sense. First you say that the brother looks like your fiance and you missed him so much, which implies that you had sex with him voluntarily. Then you say he forced you. It sounds like you did what you wanted, and now you are making excuses.

    Also, I don't hear any regret from you, nor any indication that you have made tawbah for what you did. What you did is a great sin, and it is also the worst betrayal imaginable. Where is your fear of Allah? Where is your loyalty to your fiance?

    Then, after committing this terrible sin, you drove the dagger into your fiance's heart by telling him about it. It would have been better if you broke up with him and never told him.

    If you have made sincere tawbah then you can lawfully marry your fiance. However, my feeling is that you should not. You have poisoned this relationship from the start and I doubt very much if your fiance will truly be able to forgive you for what you have done. Even if he says he forgives you, it will likely stick in his heart like a barb. I suggest that you end your relationship with him altogether.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. astaghfirullah!

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    There are several issues to consider here.

    As far as your question regarding whether it is permissible to marry someone after being sexually intimate with their brother; I honestly don't know the answer to this. There is guidance in the Quran to identify people with whom marriage is not permissible, but these relate to marriage rather than extra-marital affairs.

    As has already been mentioned, your account appears inconsistent, saying that you missed your fiance but that his brother forced you... If he forced you, this is a grave sin on his part, and you have our sympathies for this. If you had consensual sex, but are now inaccurately describing it as non-consensual, this is compounding sin on top of sin - such allegations can destroy a person's life, so it is important to be clear on what took place.

    You need to consider if you are truly sorry for the act you have committed - not just the betrayal of the trust placed in you by a man who has been planning to marry you, but the betrayal of your own integrity, and of Allah. If you feel this, then genuinely repent, and take steps to ensure you never come close to committing such a mistake again.

    You also need to think about whether you are ready for making a commitment to marriage. In your post you mention that you missed your fiance - we don't know the circumstances of why you were missing him, if he was away for a week, a month, a year - but if you were unable to control your desires for a temporary period of absence, this may indicate that you are not yet emotionally ready for marriage. Marriage is a commitment to another person, that does not dissolve in that person's absence - some couples live in different continents due to work, or are separated for long periods due to circumstances beyond their control, but their commitment to their relationship must be constant in order for it to succeed.

    I would urge you to learn more about Islam, and strengthen your relationship with Allah - it can be difficult in some societies to maintain Islamic values, especially as a young person experiencing new desires and temptations, but by understanding and appreciating the principles underlying these values, it's easier to remain true to them.

    Ask Allah for guidance; there are resources available on this site on how to perform Istikhara.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  4. astaghfirullah, I was seriously disturbed by this, First of all its shameful that the brother cheated his own brother. If he has no loyalty for his own what loyalty does this man have for others?

    I don't think you should marry the guy who you cheated on with his brother, why on earth would you even consider it after committing such a sin. Allah is most forgiving and I pray Allah forgives you sister and puts you on the right path, did you not think the effects your actions would have on two brothers? Clearly not!

    I would advise you not to get married to either of the brothers, simply because I fear you may have marital problems later in life, you made a serious mistake ask Allah for forgiveness and have faith you will be put on the right path.

    Seriously this was very disturbing....

    • "Its shameful that the brother cheated his own brother. If he has no loyalty for his own what loyalty does this man have for others?"

      Sister I think this should be on both side because this sister also did the haram things they are equally sinner I don't see to blame the man only...

      Sorry if I am being rude...

      • I agree there both to blame, it's disgusting what both of them have done. My point was the brother is not loyal i was shocked by how he could deceive his brother in this way, as for the "sister" in question she's equally wrong she has caused a life long problem between two brothers. It's one of those situations you want to blame one more then the other but there equally sinners. I just pray Allah shows these people the right path, this is why we as Muslims should pray are namaaz to avoid getting in such complicated situations.

  5. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister

    As Brother Wael and Midnightmoon are saying above, a sincere repentance to Allah is very important in your case. Even though you did not indicate that you are regretful about your deed- which is a great sin, but all you wanted now is to know if you could both be married to each other after what happened. Anyway, would you ever want to know if Allah will ever forgive you or not, for your sin? Think about that very well, and then repent to Allah and become a good Muslima again before Marriage ok. You may not see that what you did is a great sin, and you may not feel the need to repent sincerely and return to Allah with a good intention. However this happens when our closeness to Allah is very weak.

    As to your marriage to your fiancé, yes both of you can still get married to each other. However looking at the chances for future troubles, that may rise -from time to time- between you and your Husband or/and between your husband and his brother as well (Family fights), it won't be a good idea to proceed with this marriage. As Brother Wael said, he might say to you that he has forgiving you, but that is how he can feel now but since he is a human being, you don't know how he will feel in the future when he remembers what you did to him, especially when he can see his brother many times or if the 3 of you meet sometimes together whether by visiting or by family gatherings or something like that. And on top of it, who knows if his brother won't try another trick on you again while you are in your marriage, and while a divorce or without-divorce may both sound difficult at that time, depending on how far you have reached in your marriage?

    So finally, I'd say if what happened between you and your fiancés brother was something you in particular wanted to do in the first place, then you should leave that family alone now, except where you can believe yourself after your sincere repentance to Allah. But if he was the one who forced to do that with you without any slightest intention from you to do it (which I consider as a rape), then you can still marry your fiancé, but again if there is a way you can forget him and marry a different man, that would be the best, because I sense the possibility of troubles happening after you have got married with your fiancé and have lived for a while, and it won't be a wonder if you argued and fought about this past thing many times throughout your marriage life, especially when he begins to feel jealous of what happened, and when he start to feel that you are still seeing his brother or seeing any other men. This is because it may be hard for him to trust you again completely, but yet if your repentance is sincere and you continue to follow the Sharia and Sunna through your marriage life, and you pray to Allah a lot, Allah will cool your husband's heart and will make him trust you much, and there won't be much problems, Insha'Allah-May Allah forbid such troubles to happen!!!-Ameen

    Hope this helps Insha'Allah

    • Well I agree with most the advice given so far.

      At the start you stated that your family and your fiance's family are both Muslims and they are not strict and they do not care if you or your potential husband are not virgin or not - virginity (both male and female) is a condition for marriage. It seems to me you are not seriously focused on the deen and you do not take practicing Islam seriously. I do not mean to be judgemental but in my experience, those individuals who describe themselves as Muslims yet do not take the ideals of Islam seriously are not often aware or care about their conduct and how this affects their family and community. If you did take Islam seriously you would have been aware of the mahram (relatives) and non-mahram (non-relatives) rules - both your fiance and your fiance's brother are non-mahram to you - you should not be associating with them without a chaperone. There is no concept of finacee in Islamic Law - you are either married or not married.

      You also that your fiancee's looks just like him - to many people here is seems that you gave into this act. You say he forced you. If this is the case - then this is rape. You should report this to the authorities.

      On the other hand you told your fiance - Allah conceals everyones sins but you revealed your sin to him. If you have sincerely repented then you can marry your fiance. However be aware that you will be associating with his family and his brother is going part of his life - you will be reminded of your betrayal.

      From your writing, it sounds as if your fiance is in love with you - this 'infatuation' fades over time and if you married him, he may use this against you and could lead to divorce.

      My best advice would be to break the engagement and this is a very complicated situation. I know this is easier said than done but you will better off. You can use this time to become a better Muslima and find a more suitable practicising Muslim husband. You obviously do not need to reveal your past to him and you may have a more successful marriage.

      Regards

  6. "we can marry who ever we want don't matter if we are virgin or not" REALLY?????? Your parents won't care weather you virgin or not? Sister I have no words to advice you brother Wael said enough I think. Sister you really need to turn to allah and start praying. It's not too late yet because you are still alive it's a chance to ask Allah's forgiveness and make sincere tawba otherwise even anyone suggest yo good thing you won't be able to do it because you need Allah to be beside you.

    • Thank you for your outrage! I share it.

      The Opening Poster (OP) needs to stay far away from a committed relationship and mend her relationship with Allah SWT. Marriage is full of so many responsibilities which you have not began to ponder about sister.

      Needless to say you need to stay away from these men and really introspectively think about your life. The idea you can't see the wrong in this and your proceeding actions is very very scary!

  7. Assalam'alaykum,

    Basically, you are forbidden to marry him.

    “The fornicator marries not but a fornicatress or a Mushrikah; and the fornicatress, none marries her except a fornicater or a Mushrik. Such a thing is forbidden to the believers”
    [al-Noor 24:3]

    Unless ofcourse if you've repented sincerely then you may be exempted, and even if you've repented, though you may insha'Allah be forgiven, this already has an effect in your fiance and there is high possibility that your marriage will be doomed as corruption occured. Remember, there will be consequences for your actions, maybe now or later.

    I agree with bro Wael and sis 'midnightmoon' that you should break of this relationship as your fiance will most probably bring up this topic and torture you later and/or might cause troube in his family and/or his brother might hit on you once again etc and study about Islam, fear and obey Allah, learn about Islam and respect yourself.

    “Say: “O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful. “And turn in repentance and in obedience with true Faith (Islamic Monotheism) to your Lord and submit to Him(in Islam) before the punishment comes upon you, (and) then you will not be helped”
    [al-Zumar 39:53-54]

  8. Yeah! Your confession reads as if you have merely jumped the signal while driving on busy street. I don't intend to criticize you. However, It make me curious that when I see your post. I see two things. There is a paucity of guilt and there is a fear looming around you that what you did is a sin and it might boomerang at you in future.

    I don't blame you because Islam hasn't entered your heart completely. You don't carry the same stratum of taqwa as some of the advisers. In my humble opinion, your approach to this problem appears to be as if you are treating Cancer with a Pain balm instead of chemotherapy.

    I would suggest that you should start reciting Quran in the language which you understand and pray that Allah guides you on the spiritual path.

    Aafa Allahu Annka!

  9. My dear

    If you were 'raped' by this person --- then the fault is not yours and you are allowed to marry your fiance but (for your own sake) this would be unadvisable since you would always have to be reminded of his brother since they look alike and the trauma of the incident may affect intimacy with your husband and affect you and your marriage for years to come. Also you would not be able to avoid seeing his brother at family gatherings and this may cause even worse post-traumatic stress symptoms for you...

    Though, it does not seem that this was a case of 'rape' given that you claim to have 'missed' your fiance and mentioned that his brother 'resembles him'... I gather this was consensual though you may have had some measure of reluctance initially.

    However:
    There is more to this than you are volunteering. Why would your fiance still want to marry you after you disclosed this to him? Did you tell him that his brother 'forced himself on you' such that now he feels responsible for you??
    or
    Is he that insecure about himself? Such low self-esteem that he would overlook something of this magnitude because he did not feel any sense of self-worth to begin with?
    or
    Has he a 'negative' past of his own such that he feels he cannot judge you?

    Because if any of this is the case --- then in each case, regardless of which, your marriage would be an absolute mess...

    Be reasonable my dear. You slept with this man's brother. The own flesh and blood he grew up with, shared with, fought with, played with. You have destroyed his trust in you completely and broken up a family bond and his relationship with his brother will never be the same. (His brother is as much to blame ofcourse).

    Consider the following:

    1) Do you honestly think he will ever truly be able to get past this?
    He will forever be reminded of the fact that his brother has seen his wife's body and touched it 'intimately'. He will feel insecure everytime you are at a gathering and his brother (or any other male for that matter) ventures to so much as speak to you. He will never have the peace and stability in his own heart to know that you are truly his - he will never trust you again and he will react by becoming needy, insecure and possessive, possibly even emotionally and verbally abusive and that will make you both miserable.
    This incident will arise everytime you have an argument and derail things completely.

    2) And question yourself? Why are you marrying this person? You say you missed him 'so' much (implying that you love him with equal ardour) ...yet, if someone who 'resembles him' could sway you to disloyalty - do you really love him then? Do you really love his qualities? His character? His soul? Because if that's the case - a mere physical resemblance would surely not be enough to tempt you to this level of infidelity, infact you ought to have been repelled (especially because) of the resemblance - seeing as it should have reminded you of the one who isn't with you and how you would be hurting and betraying him.

    3) And after something like this - now you ask if you are still ''islamically'' allowed to get married?
    Now deen matters to you? Because it might stand in the way of what you want as a technicality?

    I think you need to take a step back from all of this marriage business and reflect on yourself before you even consider marriage (to anyone).
    Your thought processes and priorities are so far from where they ought to be when on the brink of marriage that this should be the least of your concerns --- improve yourself first sister, improve your deen and then think to marry.

    Leave them both be. There is too much hurt in this union, for everyone involved.
    Repent and start fresh within yourself, within your relationship with your Creator and then with a new prospective marriage partner.

    But remember the saying that you cannot resolve a problem with the same thinking that spawned it --- something must ''change'' first, in this case dear sister - ''you''...

  10. Hmm I wouldn't marry you either!!! What you did was sooo wrong and from reading your post is like you don't even care is like what ever. What kind of man is he if he does forgive you and marry you. I'm sorry that is so wrong is not even funny. I just don't know what has happen to Muslim people these days must of them. What a shame.

  11. Subhana'Allah. My mouth was wide open when i read this (shock). How could you do that to him? Wot you mean he forced you, don't you have a ''NO'' in your mouth. IF I WAS HIM, WILL JUST WALK AWAY........I MEAN YOU COMMITTED ZINA WITH HIS BROTHER, BROTHER.

  12. Nah I don't think he force her at all sorry I always come to this web sit I have never ever read anything like this. Afther you do something do horrible like this is to late to regret what a shame!!!

  13. Salam habibi.abid,

    To answer your question: Yes, I believe you still "can" marry your fiance, but like many people said it here that's just a little bit disgusting.

  14. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    "I think he will be miserable with you, spare him the misery and repent for your sin.

    Besides, does a women fornicator marry anyone except a male fornicator or a mushrik?"

    Maybe this came out harsher than I intended it.....

    What I mean is, I sincerely don't think this marriage is a good idea and I sincerely think that it would be best to make dua he gets someone else who is better.

    As for you, you have more severe problems than missing a marriage. You have committed a severe crime and if you do not repent, there is an incredibly humiliating punishment in the akhirah.

    I do remember the Quran saying something about who the fornicator and who the female fornicator marry...

  15. Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuhu My dear sisters and brothers in Islam.

    I would break my post into two parts first my address is to myself and all my brothers and sisters who posted here and the next would be to the sister involved in the incident.

    Alhamdulillah ,Ya Rabb we can't thank you enough for the blessings you have bestowed upon us which we recognize and are thankful, yet ungrateful and for the things you gave us which we do not even know yet it is so vital to us and have not even contemplated upon them.

    Alhamdulillah for the greatest blessing that can ever be bestowed on a slave which is ISLAM and the love of the creator.

    My brothers and sisters, I speak to myself first before I do to you.

    First of all Oh Muslimeen I understand that what OUR sister did was a major sin in Islam and Allah would definitely forgive her if she seeks his forgiveness(as brother Wael put it), and Allah still loves her despite her sin, her not turning to him etc .. because he is Ar-Rahman(The uncomprehendingly Merciful).
    I also understand the part where she has broken her fiance's heart for which she needs to seek his forgiveness to before Allah will forgive her for that.

    I really admired some wonderful advises by some of the commenters here like brother Wael,Rabia 1813, Midnightmoon even though at points it is a bit harsh,yet true ,but some other commenters have taken offence to what the sister did and speak as if she has no hope, she is disgusting or her act, Really ?

    The sin which she did is disgusting, but SHE IS NOT,she can purify herself.
    Isn't Backbiting, speaking back to our Mothers, Burying our daughters alive (which the Sahaba did), Abortion, Giving out fatwa as if though we were scholars(I myself am so guilty of this) etc .. all forms of disgusting Major sins..

    First of all we should be Thankful to Allah that he did not put us through such a trial and I seek refuge from Allah from putting me through such a trial because I belittled my Muslim brother/Sister because they sinned, and secondly he gave us knowledge of the deen which empowers us to do good and flee from evil, which according to my understanding the sister lacks due to her upbringing I presume but I am not the judge here, My creator is.

    Have we forgotten the story of the sahabi woman who committed zina, got pregnant and asked the prophet of Allah to stone her.

    Hazrat Imran bin Haseen reported that a lady came to Rasuullah(sawas) and asked her to be punished four times. Although in different places it is written differently the main thing I found was that Rasuulla(sawas) turned from the lady three times (before the fourth) when she requested to be punished, and in some hadith it is mentioned that he said "Ask Allah for forgiveness", the reason was because he wanted her to go and ask Allah for forgiveness rather then getting the capital punishment, shows how merciful he is, and then when the lady said fourth time "Ya Rasulullah I have committed adultery please punish me" , then Rasuullah asked her are you pregnant, she said yes, then Rasullah(sawas) told her guardians to take her away and bring her back after baby is born and weaned. Then she came back to Rasuullah(sawas) and then she was sent to be punished by stoning.
    While she was being stoned , a stone that gashed her skin spurt out and spashed across Khalid bin Waleed who then said something like it being "Najish blood(unclean, dirty blood)" to which the Prophet(peace be upon him) replied, "Were this women's Tawbah was to be divided it would be sufficient to pardon 70 sinners".
    After she died, Rasullah(sawas) performed her Janaza namaz., On this the sahaba asked "Ya Rasullah(sawas) why did you perform the Janaza namaz of an adulteress?". on this he our beloved Rasul (sawas) responded, by Allah if all her rewards were distributed among the Muslims of Madina there would still be enough left, then he said "what piety could be better than that she gave her life to Allah".

    Subhana Allah this Sahabi Woman's act was disgusting but look what the prophet of Allah mentioned in the end.

    My point being admonishing a person should be for the sole purpose of bringing them back towards Allah, not humiliating or condemning them by criticizing their intentions and make them hopeless of Allah and lose faith in the Islamic community(May Allah protect us from that).
    How does "What you did is disgusting" helps this sister who by the grace of Almighty Allah turned towards her brothers and sisters for help for what ever reason, the point to be noted should be she has discussed the issue in an Islamic forum and we as responsible Muslims must give her hope, make her understand the gravity of her sin(which I understand have we have done extensively :-P).

    Now to MY sister "habibi.abid" you should take the advice given by sister "Rabia 1813" (about returning to Allah )and brother "Wael" (about the marraige).
    Sister I cannot top what advise has already been given but I just want to add to that.

    " Imagine I gifted you with a box full of tools and every material you’d need, and then asked you to build a house–not for me–for yourself. How many people would fall in love with the hammer and forget about building the house? How many would use the tools instead to destroy themselves? God gave us this world, which is nothing but a box full of tools. Our ability to love is a tool. Our heart is a tool. Our life experiences are a tool. Our relationships, our money, our bodies, our minds, the sky, the sun, the stars, are all part of that tool box. And He has asked us to build a house. Not for Him. For ourselves. But most of us are so in love with the tools, we’ve forgotten their purpose. And in that neglect, have forgotten our own. "

    - Yasmin Mogahead

    In Other words everything in this world is a tool which we use to reach our Goal ALLAH Azzawajal. Turn back to Allah repent to what you did, feel remorse for your sin, shed atleast one tear and keep your prayers on time an be sincere on the change you want to see in Life and you will see the doors open which you thought were not even there in the first place. He who has found peace in Allah and tasted the sweetness in the obedience to Allah would never give it up even if that means losing your life or giving up something so beloved for the sake of Allah just as it was the case with Bilaal(rali), he could bare the unbearable torture with patience but could not just say one word against Allah or his messenger even as a lip service.

    I will Insha Allah pray for you and remember you in my dua's, Please don't misunderstand our brothers and sisters in here their intentions are nothing but the best which is to help you, but you know we as people make mistakes, including me by mistaking that you mistook them lol ....

    • Very well said HelplessSlave. Yasmin Mogahead? Y does this name sound so familiar? Is she an Egyptian speaker? Anyway. Very good advice, not just for the poster but for the advisors as well.
      Jazak Allah Khair.

      • Alhamdulillah All good is from Allah, all short comings are from Me and the despicable one Shaytaan.

        "When correcting the mistakes of others, it is essential that one’s intention be to earn the pleasure of Allaah, not to demonstrate one's superiority or to vent one’s anger or to impress others.

        Al-Tirmidhi (may Allaah have mercy on him) reported from Shufayy al-Asbahi that he entered Madeenah and saw a man with people gathered around him. He asked, “Who is this?” They said, “Abu Hurayrah.” [Shufayy said:] “So I approached him and sat down in front of him. He was speaking to the people, and when he finished and they had gone away, I said to him, ‘I ask you by Allaah, to narrate to me a hadeeth that you heard from the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and understood fully.’ Abu Hurayrah said, ‘I will do that, I will tell you a hadeeth I heard from the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and understood fully.’ Then Abu Hurayrah began to gasp, and remained in this condition until he recovered, then he said, ‘I will tell you a hadeeth that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told me in this house when there was no one else present except me and him.’ Then Abu Hurayrah began to gasp again, then he recovered and wiped his face, and said, ‘I will tell you a hadeeth that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told me in this house when there was no one else present except me and him.’ Then he gasped, then he recovered and wiped his face and said, ‘I will tell you a hadeeth that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told me in this house when there was no one else present except me and him.’ Then Abu Hurayrah began to gasp severely, and his head fell forward, and I supported him with my shoulder for a long time, then he recovered, and said: ‘The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told me: ‘When the Day of Judgement comes, Allaah will come down to judge between the people. And every nation will be kneeling in submission. The first people to be called forth will be a man who had learned the Qur’aan by heart, a man who was killed for the sake of Allaah and a man who had a lot of wealth. Allaah will say to the reader, ‘Did I not teach you that which I had revealed to My Messenger?’ He will say, ‘Of course, My Lord.’ Allaah will say, ‘What did you do with what you were taught?’ He will say, ‘I stayed up at night and during the day (to recite it).’ Allaah will say, ‘You have lied,’ and the angels will say, ‘You have lied.’ Allaah will say, ‘You only wanted it to be said that so-and-so is a reader, and it was said.’ The one who had a lot of wealth will be brought and Allaah will say to him, ‘Did I not give generously to you so that you were not in need of anyone?’ He will say, ‘Of course, O Lord.’ Allaah will say, ‘What did you do with what I gave you?’ He will say, ‘I used to give it to my relatives and in charity.’ Allaah will say, ‘You have lied,’ and the angels will say, ‘You have lied.’ Allaah will say, ‘You only wanted it to be said that so-and-so is generous, and it was said. Then the one who was killed for the sake of Allaah will be brought and Allaah will say to him, ‘What were you killed for?’ He will say, ‘I was commanded to fight in jihaad for Your sake so I fought until I was killed.’ Allaah will say, ‘You have lied,’ and the angels will say, ‘You have lied.’ Allaah will say, ‘You only want it to be said that so-and-so was courageous, and it was said.’ Then the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) struck my knees and said, ‘O Abu Hurayrah, these three are the first people for whom the Fire will be heated on the Day of Resurrection.’” (Sunan al-Tirmidhi, no. 2382, Shaakir edn. Abu ‘Eesa said: this is a ghareeb hasan hadeeth)."

        - Making mistakes is part of human nature.

        The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Every son of Adam makes mistakes, and the best of those who make mistakes are those who repent.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, no. 2499, and by Ibn Maajah, who narrated this version – al-Sunan, ed. by ‘Abd al-Baqi, no. 4251)

        Bearing this fact clearly in mind will put things into their proper perspective, so the educator should not expect people to be perfect or infallible or judge them according to what he thinks they should be, and then consider them to have failed if they make a big mistake or err repeatedly. He should deal with them in a realistic manner, based on his knowledge of human nature which is subject to ignorance, negligence, shortcomings, whims and desires and forgetfulness.

        Understanding this fact will also prevent an educator from being greatly shocked by the kind of sudden mistake that could lead him to react in an inappropriate fashion. This will remind the da’iyah and educator who is striving to enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil that he too is a human being who could also make the same mistake, so he should deal with him on a footing of compassion rather than harshness, because the basic aim is to reform, not to punish.

        But this does not mean that we should leave people who are making mistakes alone, or find excuses for those who are committing sins on the basis that they are only human or that they are just youngsters, or that the modern age is full of temptations and so on. We must denounce the actions and call the people to account, but at the same time we must evaluate their actions according to Islam.

        - Saying that someone is wrong should be based on shar'i evidence and proper understanding, not on ignorance and that fact that one happens not to like it. Muhammad ibn al-Munkadir reported that Jaabir prayed wearing only an izar (lower garment wrapped around the waist) tied at the back [the reason for this is that they did not have trousers, and they would wear their izar tied at the back because this was more concealing when they did rukoo’ and sujood. Fath al-Baari, al-Salafiyyah edn., 1/467], and his other clothes were on a clothes hook. Someone said to him, ‘Are you praying in one garment?’ He said, ‘I only did it so that some foolish person like you would see me. Who among us had two garments at the time of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)?’” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, no. 352). Ibn Hajar (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “What is meant by ‘foolish’ here is ‘ignorant’… The purpose was to explain that it is permissible to pray wearing only one garment, although wearing two garments is preferable. It is as if he was saying, ‘I did it on purpose to show that it is permissible, so that one who does not know could follow me in that or he could rebuke me so that I could teach him that it is permissible.’ The reason why his answer was so harsh was so that he could teach them not to rebuke the scholars and to urge them to look into shar'i matters themselves.” (al-Fath, 1/467)

        - The more serious a mistake is, the more effort should be made to correct it. "

        Excerpt from
        Al-Asaaleeb al-Nabawiyyah

        The Prophet’s Methods for Correcting People’s Mistakes

        English Translation

        Book by Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
        http://islamqa.info/en/ref/books/15

      • Yes she is Egyptian-American.

        Sister Yasmin Essa, Founder of MBMuslima Magazine Interviews Sister Yasmin Mogahed, Voted #1 Most Inspirational Sister in MBM's 40 under 40 Awards.

        These are some of her quotes
        http://www.yasminmogahed.com/category/yasmin-online-journal/quotes/

        Subhana Allah the insight she possesses because of her attachment to the Qur;an is simply mind boggling.

        She is the female version of Nouman Ali Khan lol

    • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      You missed the comments which pointed out that their is no obvious remorse on her part. That is why the comments are more strict.

      In any case, I still the man would be miserable. He should look to his Lord Allah to give him someone better and this women should repent for her sin.

      • Assalamualaikum Warhmatullahi Wabarakaatuhu Akhi,

        Akhi let's consider that you are correct, that she has no remorse(which I think none of us can tell 100%), It is okay to be strict to the point where we say sister Fear Allah , but some of the commentors insist on degrading the sister like for example read some of the comments above, I know people who practice have a much higher level of Hayaa, but do you think those comments that show Amazement at the sin the sister did, nor repeated "DISGUSTING" exclamations help the sister in anyway, I mean for me she turning to Muslim community for help is good enough, Alhamulillah May Allah open his doors to this sister and us.

        How can a person have remorse when Major sins are normalized in their lives, We should be a community that helps it members when they fall down, not a cult which ostracizes when one of them fails to live up to the standards of the CULT.

        I think you know of the Sahabi who came to the prophet and sought permission to COMMIT ZINA !!!!!!!! , subhana Allah COMMIT ZINA !!!, HE WAS ASKING PERMISSION FROM THE PROPHET OF ALLAH 😮 , and what was the prophets reply, shock & Awe ?

        He simply put some sense into him by saying "Would you like it if some one wants to do Zina with your Mother or sister", Did this Sahabi Have any Hayaa, let alone remorse (WE DO NOT KNOW) , but going by the story we can argue that he did not have hayaa , or else he would have not ASKED PERMISSION FROM THE PROPHET OF ALLAH TO COMMIT ZINA . But the fact that he asked PERMISSION makes me curious and that proves he indeed have Hayaa that is why he did not do the act and cover it up.

        I would dare if any of our Youth do that with some SUPER PIOUS SCHOLAR of our times.
        Subhan Allah such was our prophet, our beloved, for whom we would give our wealth and lives in the drop of a hat(Ya Allah make us true to our words)
        He never berated the value of a person, only he condemned the sin. He instilled hope in to the sinner by showing that "JUST CUZ YOU SIN, ALLAH's ABILITY TO FORGIVE NEVER DWINDLES, HE WILL STILL FORGIVE YOU IF YOU ASK HIM"

        We should hate the sin, not the sinner, because By Allah who knows what would happen to us if Allah puts us through such a similar trial (Ya Allah protect us from that).

        How would you feel if you did the same sin and when you ran to your family, whom you thought can help, disowned you.

        Akhi my intentions are never to hurt you, and I ask for your forgiveness if I have done so. I LOVE YOU FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH, I firmly believe our intention in this matter is the same, to bring this sister back to Allah.

        • Wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh ukhti

          May Allah grant you Al Firdous as well.

          "I think you know of the Sahabi who came to the prophet and sought permission to COMMIT ZINA !!!!!!!! , subhana Allah COMMIT ZINA !!!, HE WAS ASKING PERMISSION FROM THE ...."
          Good point. Can't argue with that even though man is in most things, extremely argumentative. I must tamp down on my argumentativeness. Yes Rasulullah (S) is the Nabi of Allah and the best guidance is his guidance. So now I agree with you.

          I disagree with this little bit though-

          "We should hate the sin, not the sinner"
          This is a Christian saying so avoid it. Definitely we must be disgusted with the transgressors but still hope for them. We are all mistake makers but some sins are far great than others and we must be disgusted by certain people while still inviting them to good in an excellent manner.

          Allah and His Messenger spoke the truth and we are following the steps of the Jews and Christians. Christians said hate the sin and not the sinner and now some of us are saying that as well.

          “Allah's Messenger (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: 'You will indeed follow the ways of those before you, hand span by hand span, and an arms length after another. Even if they enter into a lizard’s hole, you will follow them.’ We (the Sahaba) asked, ‘Is it the Jews and the Christians?’ He replied, ‘Who else!’” [Bukhari]
          http://dailyhadith.adaptivesolutionsinc.com/hadith/Defeated-Nations.htm

          • Assalamualaikum Warhmatullahi Wabarakaatuhu Akhi,

            I don't want to continue this mini-argument .. lol
            but I think saying
            "Christians said hate the sin and not the sinner and now some of us are saying that as well."

            and quoting the Hadeeth out of context is a bit extreme

            First of all I did not know that this was a christian saying, besides isn't is the principle of the Muslims that we should not hate our brother/sister for any of their sins, but just their acts of disobedience to Allah.

            I don't understand what you trying to prove akhi, but I think all of us agree that "HATE THE SINNER AS WELL AS THE SIN" is the solution, nor the teachings of our beloved prophet (saw).

            Baarakallahumma feek.

        • Wa'alaykumsalam,

          We should hate the sin, not the sinner

          “Hate the sin, love the sinner.”

          Yea this is not appropriate. Thats Gandhi's saying and not from the Bible I believe but the christians likes to use them and they are also criticized by the christians themselves for accepting this saying because as one of my christian friend said, " you cannot love a sinner and hate the sin they've committed because they are together unless the sinner himself breaks it ".

          According to Islam, Allah hates the sinners because of their sins or else why would Allah punish the sinners in hell if he love sinners and hate the sin ?

          We can't love someone who disobeys Allah and His messenger unless that person once again obeys Allah and His messenger.

          Allah said,

          Surely, Allah loves not the wrongdoers. (Quran 42:40)

          Verily, Allah loves not those who create mischief;' (Quran 28:77)

          Surely, Allah defends those who believe. Surely, Allah loves not anyone who is perfidious, ungrateful. (Quran 22:38)

          Surely Allah loves not the transgressors. (Quran 5:87)

          Surely, Allah loves not the one who violates the law. (Quran 2:159)

          The curse of Allah is on the wrong-doers (Quran 7:44)

          I hope its clear now. Therefore, the sinner must repent sincerely for Allah to love them back as ofcourse everyone knows Allah is most merciful and oft forgiving.

          ALLAH loves those who do good. (Quran 3:148)

          ALLAH loves those who purify themselves (Quran 9:108)

          Indeed, Allah loves those who are constantly repentant and loves those who purify themselves. (Quran 2:222)

          DESPAIR NOT FOR THE MERCY OF ALLAAH, VERILY ALLAAH FORGIVES ALL SINS. TRULY HE IS OFT FORGIVING, MOST MERCIFUL.(Quran 39:53)

          • Nice reply Ali.

            Some people really take sins very lightly and brush them aside as if nothing really happened. Both the sin and the sinner should be condemned.

          • Salam,

            She cheats on her future husband and then she asks "Can I marry him?"

            Come on, if this not hyprocrisy, I don't know. Get away from this boy, he deserves better.

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