Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Conversion to Islam before Marriage

choosing Islam


I am a Hindu boy in love with a Muslim girl from work for 4 years, and now we have decided to get married, over the past couple of months I did  meet her family and they have agreed for marriage , but they have told me that I will have to embrace Islam in order to get married. I had a long thought about it and finally I have agreed to convert to Islam and accept it as my path. So recently me my fiancé's family discussed about my conversion to Islam.

They told me conversion must not be just by paper and law and I should change as a person to embrace Islam  and  I must be able to see and live my life as a a Muslim, also I will have to change my lifestyle and my appearance. They advised me that these changes will take time and only can be archived slowly. Therefore my father in law said it will be after 4 years that we can get married because they feel it will take me 4 years to change my self completely and become a complete Muslim . So these will be the changes I will have to undergo

1.Convert to Islam legally

2.Practise Islam to the fullest and obey the Quran

3.Give up alcohol

4. Get circumcised

5.give up on western clothing and wear Islamic clothing prescribed for men

6.grow a beard

Therefore they told how will they guide me through my conversion to Islam.

The first year I will be moving in with a Muslim family and live with them do this will let me get accustomed to a Islamic household and how they live and go about their day to day life. They told me that it will let me become familiar to daily routine of  Muslim house who observe Islam fully.

The second year I can start learning about  the Quran  and other aspects of Islam , because this should help me understand Islam and what will be my duties are, also I can clear my self of any doubts about Islam and have a clear mind when I embrace Islam.

Third  I can slowly start to practice Islam like praying and performing my other duties that  are to be observed, and this would be a gradual process during the year.

By year four I am expected to have understood Islam fully and should be able to practice Islam properly. So I will recite my shadaha and receive a Islamic name, have my circumcision. I will also stop wearing western clothes .

So I will have one full year as a Muslim and practice Islam before I marry my fiancé. I discussed it with her and she is very supportive and she said it is important that when we start our family that we both practice Islam fully .

Another thing is that my father in law told me that after marriage my wife will become a full time house wife and also she will start to observe the niqab ( all the married ladies in her family observe the niqab), currently she wears western clothing. But I am not in favour of that, when I asked her she said observing the  niqab is important.

What I will like to know is will the above approach to my conversion to Islam work, and will I be able to understand Islam and become good practicing Muslim like my fiancé family expect me to ?

Secondly will I be in a position  to tell my wife not to observe the niqab and be as she is today?


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4 Responses »

  1. Dear Sasi,

    You asked:

    "Will I be able to understand Islam and become good practicing Muslim like my fiancé family expect me to?"

    You will, God Willing, if you understand from the starting point why you need to change your faith. For example, is it for God (which is an indication of success in the future--as this also implies that you are certain that Islam is the best way of life for you) or for your fiance (which is an indication a failure in the future--as it also implies that you may change your mind at anytime if you can't marry her anymore). Perhaps, you need to examine the motivations you had while having the long thought about Islam, and their impact on your decision to accept Islam as your path.

    You asked:

    "Secondly will I be in a position to tell my wife not to observe the niqab and be as she is today?"

    In the general level, the niqab is considered a choice, and an obligation in some special cases. When your fiance decides to wear it to because it draws her more closer to Allah, then you will not be in the position to ask her not to observe it--as doing so would be a sin. However, if she wears it for something else, then you would be in the right position to discuss with her about it--there is no blame in that.

    Hope this helps, and Allah knows best.

  2. Islam isn't as hard as this family seems to be making out. If you yourself, in your heart, believe and want to convert to Islam then you go ahead and do it...all the other stuff they mentioned will follow after that naturally..because you will want to...not because its being forced on you.

    Yes you have to give up alcohol but having a beard isn't obligatory. Its not the be all and end all.

    I am not sure about circumcision and what the rules are regarding that but do your research..don't just take one persons word for it.

    And as for your wife wanting to do the niqab after marriage because that's what every woman in her family does...then I'm sorry but that's just the dumbest thing I've ever heard. So before marriage you can wear what you want, knowing its not right or believing that it isn't..and then only to wear niqab and cover up when you get married?? Why exactly does she believe its okay for her not to do it before marriage...? Ask her that.

    And your last question. I DONT think it will I personally believe that these kinds of things cant be forced. They are making it into a really big thing,,,which will take FOUR whole years...putting a time scale on it like all just seems kind of bizarre to me.

    IF you want to convert to Islam...Do it for YOURSEF. .because you believe in it.not for her or her family.
    Recite the shahada and it will all come to you slowly.. You don't have to go to the extreme. Keep a middle ground. Something which is sustainable.

    Hope my advice helped.
    Good luck.
    Take care.

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    In order to be a Muslim, you have to do one thing - believe in Allah and that The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was the Final Messenger of Allah. We state such a belief in the Shahada.

    Nobody knows how long any of us has left in this life (only Allah knows what will be), so if you believe in Allah, His Messengers and the Last Day, then why delay becoming Muslim?

    I'm concerned that this family are setting up a lot of hoops for you to jump through, as opposed to actually supporting you with this. There's no need to do a "four year program" to become Muslim - belief is sufficient to become Muslim, and the rest can come with time and study.

    Delaying things so long also has consequences with regards your relationship with this girl. In Islam, boyfriend-girlfriend relationships are not acceptable - in order for a relationship to be halal (for both parties to be permitted for each other) they need to have a nikah. So, your fiancee shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone prior to nikah (and as a Muslim woman she needs to marry a Muslim man), and she and her family definitely shouldn't be encouraging another 4 years of a haraam (not permitted) relationship.

    With regards niqab and becoming a house-wife, neither of these things is considered compulsory by all scholars, but if a woman wants to do them, it is her right. It isn't something that depends on marriage though - if someone chooses to wear niqab, they should do so because they believe it is the right thing to do for the sake of Allah, not because "everyone else does it". There's no rule that she would have to be a house-wife. There are many examples of Muslim women having successful careers - for example, Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her) who was the first wife of The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was a successful businesswoman.

    I'd advise you to think carefully about what you want to do. If you want to become Muslim because you believe in Islam, then don't wait four years - you don't even know if you'll be alive in four years (or if any of us will be), so don't leave things too late.

    Midnightmoon editor

  4. AOA ,
    It feels and sound like your future in laws are planning some kind of boot camp for you.
    Human are bound to make mistakes and good one realize and repent . This is life long process.

    While in this boot camp there are lot of chances you will make many mistakes( every one does) .

    Suppose in this close monitoring and scrutiny you do not fulfill their standards , then what will be the consequence .
    Will they keep on waiting beyond 4 years ,until you start practicing Islam properly ( to their standards)???

    If I were you I will propose to them that I'm ready for shahada now( only if in your heart really you are) and want a marriage sooner as I prefer to learn Islam properly from my wife and her family . That way you will learn exactly according to their standards and even beyond insaAllah.

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