How to deal with my father who never appreciate whatever I do?
AoA everyone, I am concerned about how I can respect my parents and still feel positive about myself. It seems to me that no matter what I do, I can't get my Dad to be kind to me. He talks without stopping for hours. He jumps from topic to topic and is not pleased with anything in his life. He brings it up in a way that makes me feel bad about myself, I have felt as if I am guilty and I am not good enough for anything that I want to do in life. He has been treating our entire family like this ever since he moved to U.S. to live with us. At that point we were going through tough financial problems, but the moment he came here (he was 55 at the time, our entire house peace vanished) That was 13 years ago, and we have made so much progress thanks Allah, and he is still always unhappy. I personally devoted so much of my time and energy for family problems that he should have handled, but he never gives me any credit for my contribution. After all these issue, finally I am graduating college, and he is still not happy, he told me that I should have "made a mark"... I am sick of this issue, I don't know what to do, I became serious about religion a couple of years ago, and I don't say anything back to him, I don't argue or anything else. But after spending a day or some time with him, he leaves the other person (this happens to everyone in the family) exhausted... I can't focus on things I should be doing in life, I feel depressed, I just don't know what to do about this? Please help, jjjasdf.
2 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Wa'alaykumsalam,
I pity you. Some parents are supportive, caring etc while others are rude, abusive etc. This maybe because of the way they were brought up or due to some other reasons. Whatever the case maybe, you cannot do anything to change your dad. He is now 68 years old, only Allah knows how much time is left for him. No one will change at this age most certainly. All you can do is value yourself. If you're capable to marry, then you may go ahead, perhaps your wife/husband will appreciate everything you do insha'Allah. Your family except your dad appreciates you didn't they ? Therefore, whatever behaviour your dad has, you must always be respectful to him. You must not be against him or have hatred. Just have patience and get an independent life inorder that you can have some space away from your dad thus not increasing your ill feelings towards him. Allah has constantly reminded us to be respectful, loving etc to our parents. Parents are our key to paradise. And so when they are old, and their age has made them senile, or troublesome, or quarrelsome, or even unreasonable, bring to remembrance the time when you were a kid and was totally and completely helpless infant and they brought it up with kindness and affection thus when they reach that abject old age where after having known and done much, they know nothing, it is precisely at this stage of their lives when you must take care of them no matter what as commanded by Allah to treat them with absolute and total humility, tenderness, kindness and mercy.
"Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them; nor rebuke them ; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray,“O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as theybrought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.” (23:24)
"And We have enjoined on mankind (to be good) to their parents : in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command)"Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: toMe is (thy final) Goal".(31:14)
Narrated by Aisha
The Prophet (saws) said: "The word 'Ar-Rahm' (womb) derives its name from 'Ar-Rahman' (i.e. Allah). So whosoever keeps good relations with it (womb i.e. kith and kin), Allah will keep good relations with him, and whosoever will sever it (i.e. severs his bonds of kith and kin) Allah too will sever His relations with him! " ( Sahih Bukhari )
Narrated by Anas
The Prophet (saws) was asked about the ‘Kabair’ (the absolute gravest sins in the Sight of Allah). He (saws) replied: "They are:--
To join others in worship with Allah,
To be undutiful to one's parents,
To kill a person (which Allah has forbidden to kill) (i.e. to commit the crime of murder),
And to give a false witness." ( Sahih Bukhari)
Narrated by Abu Bakra
The Messenger of Allah (saws) said, "Shall I inform you of the biggest of the Greatest sins?" They said, "Yes, O Allah's Messenger (saws)!" He (saws) said, "To join partners in worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one's parents." ( Sahih Bukhari )
Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr
The Prophet (saws) said, " An undutiful son , a gambler, one who casts up what he has given, and one who is addicted to wine will not enter Paradise . " ( Al Tirmidhi )
"It is Allah who creates you and takes your souls at death; and of you there are some who are sent back to a feeble age so that they know nothing after having known (much) : for Allah is All-Knowing All-Powerful. (16:70)
A man said, "O Messenger of Allah (saws), what rights can parents demand from their children?" He (saws) replied, "They are (or your relation with them will determine) your Paradise or your Hell." ( Sahih Bukhari )
Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘Let him be humbled into dust! Let him be humbled into dust!’ It was said: ‘O Allah's Messenger (saws), who is he?’ He (saws) said: ‘He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter Paradise (through his deeds of service towards them)!’ ( Sahih Muslim )
Therefore, your father migth be what you've descirbed, he might not be appreciating you etc but know that your good deeds, efforts etc are not in vain. The world around you knows it and the King of Kings is very much aware of your efforts. Allah appreciates you so much. You are insha'Allah rewarded for your patience multiple times. And so you must love your dad, respect him, care for him and show no sign of disrespect. He won't be there for too long. Be a true believing son/daughter, obeying Allah and His commands and do what Allah wants you to do. Do everything for the sake of Allah and insha'Allah everything will be fine.
ASALIKUM
I know what you mean bro parents can be like that my father like that too seriously get on my nerves sometines and i think why do i bother. i personally have found out that absence does make the heart founder but in right amounts.
second thing is that you have to acknowledge your own succes so to speak only then can your dad start to see yours.
thirdly you dad has to be content with what he has. you how the prophet pbuh said that if man had two valleys of gold he would desire a third (not exact quote , just covering my back) it exactly the same and I have seeen it in my mum and dad. he is a pharmacist student why isnit he a docotor there son a doctor blah blah. it really gets to mee worse thig is that people just like through there teeth and they find out that the people that there on about arent even docotor, but that alright becuase you just taken the emotional beating and your parents wont be willing to apolgise or at least recongised that what they were saying was wrong.
appreacite your father and appreciate yourself