Everyone is against us because I’m Arab and he’s Indian
Asalam all,
I am a Muslim Arab girl living in Africa for over 13 years now. I am in love with an Indian Muslim man whom I met in here for over 6 yrs now. I am 19 and he is 20, we plan on getting married asap.
However, my situation is very complicated because of my culture. My parents will not accept this man because he is from another race.
I spoke to my mom about him and she said that I should forget about him because she will never accept and give her blessing. My Father on the other hand is a very hard person to deal with, he used to abuse (hit her) my mom in front of my siblings and I. He has never been like a normal father is with his children, he has never showed us love or care, I always wonder why my mom is still with him till date. I have not told him about this man because I know he won't accept.
Not only him, my older brothers won't accept as well as all my other relatives. So from my side of the family, I have no one beside me. All are against us.
Anyway, despite their rejection, I still want him to come and ask for my hand in marriage as a sign of respect. I told him that my family will never accept him but he said he will stay with me through the hard times.
I am scared to bring him home because my father will make a big issue out of it and might harm me physically (hit me) and send me to my home country away from this man. I know that he won't listen to what I have to say no matter what. According to Islam I know that I am not wrong, Allah does not mention in the Quran that one should only marry of same race, we can marry anyone as long as they are muslims right?
I only want to marry this man and no other. I trust and respect him and believe we will have a happy life ahead. We have decided to try and convince my family despite all their drama but if we fail, I am planning on running away with this man and start a family with him away from all the drama.
Please advise, I don't want to hurt my mom by running away, she sacrificed a lot for me by staying with my abusive father and this is one of the many reasons I do not want her to choose a husband for me because she failed at choosing hers. I love my mother and I want her to understand me. What do I do?
-Arab girl
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Dear Arab girl, I can understand what you are going through. Although I am Pakistani myself I did like a guy in my past who was also Pakistani we are both British but because I was from the Punjab side and he was from near the afghan border (where his parents r from) I knew both our parents would not accept. We were so in love and he told me he had not been with any girl, I hadn't been with anyone either. Eventually we decided we should marry after four years of knowing each other I was 21 and he was 24. Long story short although my parent never physically harmed me I did constantly battle with outrageous things they used to say to me as a 14 year old like wishing I was dead. I felt loved and happy by this man despite my parents being nice to me at the time the damage was done. When they found me a proposal I was not happy and rejected it. The guy i liked asked if he could come over by himself as his parents would not agree my parents refused. We got married secretly and eventually he found a flat. 1 day he turned up to my work and forced me to ask to speak to him. I was embarrassed in front of my colleagues and I am not 1 to air my dirty laundry. So I sat in his car. At that point he drove off to his home in another city. Police eventually found me and took me home the next day. I have never felt so small I front of my parents and felt they lost respect. I told them everything and my intention was not to run away. So they believed me but said it is impossible for me to be Marie's to him islamically. I rang over 100 mosques and help centres in Uk all of whom confirmed I was not married. He also lies to me he never told me he had gotten someone pregnant at 19 although it was terminated. I just decided to get married to whoever my parents wished for despite not have a food relationship with 1 of them and it had made me realise whatever I thought love was before it wasn't it was lust. I knew I would have been happy with that guy but it does not mean to say I can't be happy with my husband. Despite everything parents want the best for their children and they also feel comfortable n at ease of their culturally similar
Asalamu alikum,
Girl you are in a difficult position. You met this man as a teenager, and had a relationship and didnt tell your parents about him. And you know that you are not allowed to have a "boyfriend" right.
Isamically, Allah tells us to stay away from men and not interact with them if they are not your mahram. .........Well this is the result of mixing, you fall in love, possibly commit many sins with this man for 6 years, and be surprised down the line when your parents dont like him because you have kept him as your little secret.
As well, I am shocked that your parents are so strict- what do they think if they sent you to live in Africa and go to public school- versus live in the middle east and go to an islamic school- do they think meeting Arab men magically happens at the right time. lol. Totally unrealistic its crazy. Wake up parents.
Sister, now to the some practical advice. Dont run away! dont think about it, dont do it. Running away is the most immature and childish fantasy people talk about. Do you have money? who's going to work? where are you going to live? how will you keep in touch? ...blah blah blah- all theses questions. Keeping the families ties is important, because life is hard, and you dont want to do something as stupid as running away and breaking all ties with your family. Marriage is hard, its not some fantasy fun time where everything is great, NO its not- you need both your families blessing to have a good marriage.
Right now you are in lust with him, you are not in love with him. Love comes years later when you are together and have endured hardships and you know he is still there for you. Lust is when you are sexually attracted to a man, and yes that is normal- but its not everything that you need in a marriage partner. So cool of sister, you are still young and have time to get married.
Sister, realize that this is a test from Allah and this is your challenge. So you need to follow the right path and ask Allah for help as he is the only one that can help you. Make lots of dua, and make istikhara. Lots and lots of istikhara if this man is the right one. Ask Allah for your parents to accept him if he is the one and show your parents the way.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kY-GJ4ebj5w - this is a good lecture for your parents if they are religious and have the time and patience to listen to such things. He is a really good speaker who talks about exactly what you are going through.
If they do not aprove you have a difficult task at your hand. You can run away- which is not a great idea. Or you can be patient and trust that Allah has a plan for you, with or with out your "boyfriend". This is the time to turn to Allah, keep your distance away from the man and give your parents some time to absorb the news.
Sister, this life is temporary, everything you do think about- is this good for my end/hereafter. If its not- stay away from it- if its good- go towards it.
Be patient, make lots of dua- i know you are in a tight spot- but please dont give up and do something rash- think about what would please Allah first, and turn to him because he is your only sustainer and provider in this situation- everyone else is just part of the test.
Take care of your self sister, and Allah knows best.
sister i strongly advise not to run away because when these guys see that you have no one but him they take advantage of this and tend to treat you very badly regardless of what your parents are they are your door to heaven respect them
Running away is not the solution. Stay in the same area near your family but involve an imam, an older trustworthy uncle you guys know or familly friends. Trusting a man no matter how great he is .. usually blows up in everyone's faces. There is a reason why Islam says a girl must have a wali. I've seen this play out over and over. Always always always a bad idea not to have a wali.
Salaam sister,
First of all stop and think if you run away and marry him what will happen???
Think a few years from now. When the infatuation and you being on cloud 9 has gone??? In comes responsibility, job,cooking, cleaning, children and bills. You see his flaws and reality isn't and they lived happily ever after.
What will happen when you have arguments or disagreements all couples have fall out over silly things. What if things get serious you won't have support. You lost your family by running away and his family will say did you come to us when you made the decision to run off and get married??? You will be on your own!!!
Sister Samira has made most of my points. Your parents love you unconditionally and have raised you. You wouldn't where you are today if it wasn't for them just remember that always.
You should do this sister as in your own word you said he will stay with you in hard times. Let him come with his parents to your house and ask for your hand. When a guy respects a girl he will send his parents to ask for her hand and if you run away you will have no value. If he truly loves you he will never ask you to run away.
If your parents say No accept it and move on trust Allah whatever he decides is for the best.
Sister your life is not a joke these decisions should not be taken lightly its the rest of your life. You are blinded by love i hope you take our advise seriously and don't run away.
Salam alaikum.
Great advice so far. I think issues like this should be fully discuss by a Scholar in islam with great understanding before putting it on forum for discussion. This lady outside there really need a good islamic advice, not ideas. Diffrnt advices wl surely get her confused. So pls whenever people want to give answers to questions,U ALL SHLD ENDEAVOUR TO FIRST BACK IT UP WT RULINGS BASED ON THE QUR'AN AND HADEETH BEFORE ANYTN COMES UP. Jazakumullahu khairan
AS sister. Maybe you can get an imam to talk to your parents about looking at a person's character not their race to help them understand? These things matter very little when you marry someone. Anna Pakistani wa walidu bi america wa zawajti falastiniyeh waladha bi america aythan. Alhumdilillah ihna awal muslimeen
Read this very carefully..
Islam forbids a woman to get married without a wali (guardian), and it regards a marriage contract done without a wali as invalid.
You do not have the rights to arrange your own marriage without the permission of your wali (guardian).
the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no marriage except with a wali.” Narrated by Abu Dawood, 2085; al-Tirmidhi, 1101; Ibn Maajah, 1881, from the hadeeth of Abu Moosa al-Ash’ari; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.
The woman’s guardian is her father; then her paternal grandfathers, no matter how far the line of ascent reaches; then her son and his sons, no matter how far the line of descent reaches (this applies if she has a son); then her (full) brother through her father and mother; then her (half) brother through her father only; then their sons, no matter how far the line of descent reaches; then her paternal uncles; then their children, no matter how far the line of descent reaches; then the father’s paternal uncles; then the ruler. (al-Mughni 9/355).
See I have read ur story just now,wat happened later??did they accept him??
Assalamualai'kum,
Please read the following articles
https://islamqa.info/en/182
https://islamqa.info/en/23420
https://islamqa.info/en/23349
https://islamqa.info/en/1200
https://islamqa.info/en/165186
Everyone wants to dictate the terms of your happiness, yet these same people will run away in your moments of sorrow.
You are your only beacon. Do what u please.
What an amazing comment, The Traveler. Agree wholeheartedly.
Stop telling her dont run away you dont know how she feel let be honest how many arab girl whos not happy with arab guy if this will make her life ok forever do what ever ur heart feel if u really think that guy is the one you want to live forever take a risk fallow your heart if yiu fail its ok atleast u try u will never have regret his muslim too i think he will protect you just be happy we only live once theres nothing wrong with it u both muslim inshallah god will open ur parents eyes when u already have kids