Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband has abandoned me

Asalamualaykum.

I am 40 years old, and have been divorced for over 20 years. I met a man of 49 from the Middle East and the first thing he did was talk to my mom about his intentions about me, and also to his own parents, who approved of me alhamdulilah. I learned about Islam and converted, and we have had a relationship for 10 years.

There were a few obstacles, however. There was the distance, of course. He also had no job... even if he'd been lucky enough to find a job, the income is so low where he lives in the Middle East. Money is a huge issue for him. Also, his father died so he is taking care of his elder mother and sister... surely he cannot leave them fending on their own... his duty is to take care of them.

Both my parents died and I find myself alone. I have no one to turn to... he's prohibited me to talk to any human being on earth. According to him, that is cheating. He is also against the fact that I talk about my problems to anyone, so I find myself constantly crying and dealing with my frustrations alone during our relationship problems.

He has now left me though, so I feel the need to just write down 1% of my frustration even if no one reads it... the important thing is that I am writing mostly to ease some of my pain that is weighing on my heart. I don't go out...all I do is wash, clean, cook, and shop for the routine daily.  I don't speak to anyone...I don't even have 1 single friend or person to talk to!!

One week ago, he went to another city in his country to get some papers that he needs to bring to refurbish their home. We were connected online...It was late and his network got disconnected so he called me on the phone to tell me that his monthly payment network subscription has finished and he has to renew it. But since that day, 26 December, he vanished... he disappeared and no phone call, no signal from him, no word, and I started to worry and fear that something happened to him. I called his mobile but it's closed. I sent him messages and they come failed delivered. I called his mother after few days to ask if he is there to know if at least he arrived back at home, but due to language barrier I can't communicate with her... the line is also so bad that she can't even hear me.. she keep just saying ''hello.''

On top of that, my credit went down without getting no detail no information! I was hoping to communicate with his mom simply by asking for him and in return she would say if he is there or not but to no avail. I feel lost and confused. I was hoping that at least he would call me before the year ends as he's done every year for 10 years. I feel disappointed, sad, bad, confused, and hurt. He knows how much this actions hurts me because I open up with him and told him how it made me feel and he reassured me that whenever this things happened its only because of technical issues like internet connection issues or equipment damages and not because of his choice.

Lately, we were making arrangements to tied the knot this year. He also had to get the visa to come in my country, get married, and then live in his country or he and his family live with us in my country. But now I don't know what to think and what to conclude. I can't forgive him for abandoning me all alone with no clue no explanation. I feel that he left for good and has no intention to return for reasons unknown to me. This is my intuition right now

 

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6 Responses »

  1. Assalamualikum sister,

    I dont know how you are feeling now and how can you manage being alone and depending on a person just over the phone who promised to marry you and vanishes suddenly.

    I believe you should not depend on anyone emotionally and in any way apart from Allah. If Allah has written any good for you with him it will happen automatically. You dont need to beg him to talk to you.

    Pray to Almighty to give you peace and indulge in things which makes you happy , visit parks watch children play, pick up hobby join some club and talk to people. Since, he has asked you not to talk to anyone has he done the same? How can you obey him when he is not even your husband yet? You cannot crave for him when he is not even your husband. You came into this world alone and when you are doing everything all alone why do you have to be emotinally so dependent on him? Pray to Allah and he met you only for you to discover Islam and his purpose is done. It may be a blessing in disguise for you. You need to learn about your creator and understand the purpose your creator created you for than just blindly depending and trusting a man who is not upto your expectations. Even if he ties knot with you what is the guarantee that he will not behave the same way and let you down again. I would say please pray do isthikhara and learn to depend only on Allah alond no one else and talk to people to get out of depression remember Allah also helps people who help themselves and dont think people dont like to be your friend. If you are willing to talk there would be many who would like to talk you need to initiate first.

    Allah created mankind in pairs and he let us live with people taught us languages to interact if we were supposed to live alone Allah would create us in wild like animals. Have patience and believe in Allah and talk to come out of this and dont trust anyone blindly. If there is any good in marriage or its written for you by Allah you dont have to chase. Allah knows what is best for you. Understand his wisdom that the guy came into your life to put you closer to God by way of distress and loneliness his job is done and now you need to figure out what is important for you God or him ? Dont waste your life. If Allah has created you there shoudl be some purpose so dont get disheartened. May Allah heal you and please for your sake talk and mingle with people even if it means just smiling at your neighbours or saying a simple hello and pray to the almighty to ease off things and test for you.

    May Allah heal you and in sha Allah i will pray for you. Be thankful Alah must have saved you from som calamity if that man has vanished you never know if he was even good for you. May Allah bless you. Ameen!!

  2. Salaam sister please don’t feel alone you can always make friends he us not worth for you I now you are very upset what he has done but whatever has happened forget about it and move on

  3. OP: Lately, we were making arrangements to tied the knot this year. He also had to get the visa to come in my country, get married, and then live in his country or he and his family live with us in my country.
    ...........He also had no job... even if he'd been lucky enough to find a job, the income is so low where he lives in the Middle East. Money is a huge issue for him.

    When and how he became your husband?

  4. I can't say I understand your feelings, because I sincerely do not. Not because I haven't experienced heartbreak, but because I genuinely don't understand why you're upset over losing this particular man that seems to be a real loser. This is him and your relationship in a nutshell:

    - Relationship on the 10th year
    - Long distance - he lives in the Middle east, I assume you're from Europe
    - He has no job... even if he'd been lucky enough to find a job, the income is low
    - Money is a huge issue for him
    - He cannot leave, his duty is to take care of his mother and sister
    - He's prohibited you from talking to any human being on earth
    - He is against the fact that you talk about my problems to anyone

    You could literally find a better man at a rehab centre for drug addicts. He not only sounds like a bum that has nothing going on for him, but to me, he shows clear signs of being someone who's likely to be abusive to women. Men usually only try to isolate their wife if they want to be able to abuse and oppress them in peace and quiet.

    Instead of crying, you should celebrate and be happy that Allah took this man out of your life. Stop acting desperate...stop calling him, his mother or any of his family members. You have already wasted 10 years of you life on this nobody...it's time to put him behind you. Make some friends, socialise and meet people. You don't need an abusive man with no money from the Middle East.

  5. Sister, your post is confusing. First you say your husband abandoned you, then in the end you say you were making arrangements to tie the knot... which means he is not your husband?

    Am I right in understanding that you have been in a long distance relationship with this man for 10 years? An utterly useless relationship in which he does not support you in any way, and instead forbids you from having friends? What exactly do you get out of this so-called relationship?

    Alhamdulillah, at the very least you were guided to the religion of Islam. That´s a great blessing. But all the rest of this relationship is useless. Now the guy has disappeared. I say count your blessings and be done with him. Cut off contact with him and move on. You can do much better, and you deserve better.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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