Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband chatting to a woman on the phone at nights, please advice.

Secret Phone Call

Assalaamu Alaikum dear brother/sister.

I am in a bit of a dilemma with regards to my husbands habit. I have been married to him for nearly 6 years and have a child nearly 4 years of age. It was an arranged marriage, we're related but we both liked each other & were happy to get married to each other. My husband was so caring and loving to me in the beginning, i must say he still says he loves me to bits and will be lost without me. But we slowly started to drift away from each other after having our child. He used to lose his temper and we would argue now and again before that because of silly little things, but because we have been living with his parents from the beginning it has not been easy. I think our relationship would have been a lot better if we had moved out and bought our house. He'd always promised me that we will get our house but he never seemed serious about it & I have just been patient and waiting for the time to come.

My mother-in-law has been indirectly causing trouble between us. She occasionally has problems with me going to my mums house and work. This I come to know about from my sister in law (husbands' brother's wife) who also lives with us. She is treated worse than I am.

After the birth of my child,  my husband wouldn´t spend much time at home, he would always go out to spend time with his friends and return home late at nights. I got used to him not being around & would actually feel uncomfortable & uneasy when he would be home and around. The only time I would see him properly was at night when i'd be half asleep & not in the mood to talk. He met a boy, which has a sister that liked my husband.  She at the time was 18/19 yrs herself who has a young 6 yr old daughter from her ex-boyfriend who is pakistani. Apparently she started chatting to my hubby at his shop, they exchanged numbers and worse thing is that she lived close to his bussiness. My hubby got into a habit of chatting to her on the phone numerous times throughout the day, everyday. He went to her flat to do decorating for her. From what he tells me, he only hugged her, a 'friendly hug'! He told me she tried to kiss him but he turned away. He promises me that he did nothing else. He says he took her & her daughter out of city for a meal once and to a funfair.

Now i started to sleep with my daughter in a spare room because of space & the fact that my daughter asks for me to be with her at nights. My husband had the room and bed to himself. About 2 months ago I heard my husband whispering on the phone in his bedroom while i was coming out of the bathroom. He was talking to a pakistani girl, it was sweet talk and not dirty but at times he was flirting with her on the line. I felt betrayed. I hid a baby monitor under his bed and would listen that he is whispering on the phone for nearly 1 hour or 2 hours every night. I confronted him at night while he was on the phone and he tried to make things up. But then the next day he told me he was really sorry and that his head was messed up and its his fault.

I got bills of his phone sent to me and I discovered that as well as the white girl, he was talking to a pakistani girl who he claims he met just once in a sheesha lounge with his mates. The pakistani girl and her friends were having problems with a group of lads at the Sheesha Lounge when my hubby and his mates stepped in & helped them. My hubby & her exchanged numbers just incase she had problems again & because she was from out of city, she could call him for help. Since then they both have been chatting and texting at nights. He often calls the white girls during the days more than the pakistani girl. But he talks longer and at nights to the pakistani girl. I couldn´t make out what he is talking about because of his whispering. Allah forgive me for evesdropping, but i felt the need to know exactly what he is up to. He promised me he wouldn´t talk to the girls again but recently I´ve heard him whispering at nights on the phone again.

He is always spending evening out, apparently with his friends. He says he helps out and spends time with his friends. But only Allah knows if he is being honest. Since my confrontation he has been so patient with me and so sweet. He did admit though that he felt himself drifting away because I didn´t give him attention and spend nights with him. I've realised where I have gone wrong and since then have made efforts to spend nights with him. He has promised me that at the end of this year we will get our own house, he knows it is difficult for me living in this house.

I also came to know last year that my mother in law had done black magic, discovered red chilli's and a piece of paper with Iblis, Qarun, Haman & Firawn names written on it. Got it checked n confirmed that it was black magic. Maybe she has been trying to make us drift apart & that is why all this is happening?

My question is what am I to do in this situation whereby my hubby says he loves me to bits and doesn´t want to lose me but I still find he is talking to a girl on the phone in the middle of the nights despite me telling him to stop and for him to promise and assure me that he is no longer talking to anyone on the phone? I´ve lost trust in him. Am I being difficult or shall I give him a chance? Also any duas for us to better our relationship and also make it easy for us to get our own house to prevent fitna from my inlaws?

Sincere apologies for such a long essay. Your help will be much appreciated.

Duas for you for the great job you are doing in helping and advising others.


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4 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum Heena,

    I am really sorry for your situation, I would advise you to fight for your marriage, be nice to your husband, be intimate with him, make him feel the need of having you in his life, of sharing with you, he should have the confidence to talk to you about everything,....I really hope he will get a house for you and your daughter, insha´Allah.

    But the first thing you have to do is to talk straight to him, telling him the effect that is having on you that he talks to other women at night, at that time he should be with you. Ask him what he miss from you as you have done before, follow your instincts you know what it is the straight way of behaving and I feel you know the right way to have your husband at your side, increase your iman, insha´Allah.

    About your inlaws, be patient with them, don´t give them the power they don´t have, everyone with bad feelings towards the others will pay for that, protect yourself and your family, doing your salat on time, making duas, be as straight as you can in your way of thinking, talking and acting, this way all that is wrong will be deviated from your way, it will take other way, insha´Allah.

    At the top of the page you have a link with Duas, you can recite the Names of Allah(swt) and His Attributes, read the Holy Quran (Al-bakara, Al- Iklass, Al- falak, An-nass, this last three, three times before going to bed), and when bad thoughts about the others come to your mind "Audhu billahi minash shaytaani Rajeem", be thankful for everything and conscious of all the blessings around you, to protect you and your family in the morning and in the afternoon you can say three times: ""bismillahi ladi la yadoro ma'a smihi shay'oun fil ardi wala fi samahi wa houa sami'oul 'alim".

    I really wish to see your shine through all this smoke that surrounds you, fill your Heart with Unconditional Love, Respect and Compassion, insha´Allah.

    From my Heart to your Heart,

    María Editor

  2. Salaams Sister

    You've tolerated so much of your husbands inappropriate behaviour. May Allah reward you for your patience in having to deal with this.Your husband’s behaviour is a form of infidelity and a violation of what most women who consider trustworthy behaviour from a husband.

    In situations like this, communication is very important. Have a SERIOUS talk with your husband. You should explain to your husband what this is doing to you. A loving relationship is not like this at all: Flirting/ chatting and associating with strange women His reasoning for being with other women is weak and lame. If he felt that your relationship is drifting away then he should speak up-instead of causing more damage by being with other women. This isn't your fault.

    Sister the only way to go forward is if your husband is 100% willing to change and if you are willing to forgive and forget the past. After your confrontation with him, allow him time to change and see if he really does. Let him know that you will not tolerate this behaviour any longer.

    Ssiter in the mean time you should protect yourself from black-magic by reading duas for protection, constant remembrance of Allah.

  3. Assalamualaikum sister

    It feels like your husband is not a religious man at all. Is it not possible that you both try to improve on your deen together. Ask him to find a madrassa near your home where you both go and learn about Quran. You both as a couple need to change your friends circle. His friends need to be pious people so they can guide him towards good path. Try going to different lectures in different mosques.

    May Allah protect you and your family Ameen

    • Thanks for the above 3 responses for i am in a similar situation and each one of you have such wonderful advice * It really opened my mind and heart with your advice and would like to thank you and may Allah give you blessings for your sincere advice... (the 3 of you..Maria, Rumaysa and Ash).

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