Husband has not been intimate with me for 6 years
Aoa
I don't know how to start as it's very personal issue.
I am 29 and been married for 10 yrs. I have a 6yr old daughter. It's been six years now that my husband is not intimate with me. Whenever I ask for love making we end up in an abusive fight. He beats me very bad, so that in the end I had to apologize for all the mess.
So in these 6 yrs we had sex only for 6 to 7 times in which 4 to 5 times it was an incomplete sex. Whenever I ask I try to be very polite so he would not become angry but he refuses and then I request him by crying that I need you and I'm in desperate need please love me, if sometimes you don't want to have sex never mind we can hug each other and all. But he never ever in these 6yrs kissed me hugged me or slept with me while holding me. We sleep at the edges of bed. Other than that he loves his daughter a lot. Financially he fulfils his duties.
I'm in so much pain. Few times I mastubated coz some days I get so much heat up and want to have sex. I try to seduce him by wearing such things but he never looked up if I'm wearing different. If I'm all naked in front of him he doesn't care he turns his back and sleeps. He always have one answer - "there's always this sex on your mind you don't have anything to talk about and its not a big issue, I'm just stressed from work, bla bla bla".
I feel like I'm not a woman any more.
Please help me. Tell me will this effect our nikkah? What am I to do?
sixyears
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As per Islam you have right to have sex with him .Just check whether he has some health problems or any other haraam addiction like porn ?
Tell him Islam encourages getting intimate frequently and he need to fulfill it .. 6 years is too long for any human being to not to have sex ..
Assalamu alaykum SISTER...
May ALLAH be with you in such complicated life.I have NO sure but i think your husband have some serious problems. I would suggest you to to SHEIKH/LOCAL MASJID IMAM and try to find his help by talking to this husband...
OR
If both famiies-YOUR and HIS are nearer to you , you can explain this to them to find proper solution.Otherwise YOU SHOULD FORCE HIM TO FREE YOU.
It should be remembered that the purpose of being together -a husband and wife is NOT TO STRESS EACH OTHER...
Very sorry sister...BUT TRY ONE or Both of the above.May ALLAH ease your situation.
Ameen.
Sister feel sorry for you...you r in a complicated situation and i do not understand ur husband's behaviour.. Dont mind me saying that your husband is a weird person, he doesn't like intimacy and sex.. it can due to his porn add iction or he might be having serious health issues..fulfilling each other's duty is a part of marriage and islam encourages to do that frequently, according to islam he needs to fulfill his duties towards you he must do that.. i suggest you to have counselling on this matter if he doesn't improve then consider divorce.....
may Allah solve all your problems......
It is very unusual for you to be completely naked in front of your husband, and he does not react at all. Even if he hated you, he would react.
The fact that he beats you is not good at all. Just because he is fulfilling his financial obligations does not make him a decent human being. A marriage is not a place where a woman gets beaten. Are you safe? Do your parents know that you have been beaten?
Assalam alaikum,
You have written: "He beats me very bad, so that in the end I had to apologize for all the mess."
You are in an abusive relationship. He is physically and emotionally abusive to you. None of this is normal at all.
Speak to your parents. I think you need to get counselling to help you to understand how this abuse has affected you and your way of thinking. Furthermore, your husband could be loving to your daughter, but she will internalize how he treats you and think this is normal. Frankly, I would go so far as to tell you to leave and get help, but there isn't enough information about where you live and the resources that you have access to.
Please do not continue to live in this situation. If all a husband had to do was to be financially supportive, a brother and father could do that--so a husband's role must not be taken lightly as it much much more than just providing finances.
May Allah swt help you to get out of this situation and solve your personal problems, Ameen.
OP: So in these 6 yrs we had sex only for 6 to 7 times in which 4 to 5 times it was an incomplete sex. Whenever I ask I try to be very polite so he would not become angry but he refuses and then I request him by crying that I need you and I'm in desperate need please love me, if sometimes you don't want to have sex never mind we can hug each other and all. But he never ever in these 6yrs kissed me hugged me or slept with me while holding me........Few times I mastubated coz some days I get so much heat up and want to have sex. I try to seduce him by wearing such things but he never looked up if I'm wearing different. If I'm all naked in front of him he doesn't care he turns his back and sleeps. He always have one answer - "there's always this sex on your mind you don't have anything to talk about and its not a big issue, I'm just stressed from work, bla bla bla"......I feel like I'm not a woman any more.
Seems like your husband has an erectile dysfunction. You guys need to see a sex therapist. Don't blame yourself for your husband's problems.
I hate giving advice but I'll try because this is important.
You must act smartly and with sanity, without any emotion.
Emotions get in the way of correct actions.
1) You must contact someone that you trust that will not divulge this issue to him
2) You must arrange for a safe place for yourself and your child
3) You must have 2 or 3 strong people that he himself respects or fears involved
4) There must be a table around which you all sit & all your complaints are viewed logically and with sanity.
5) If you feel any of the above actions (1 through 4) puts you in danger then you must rule them out, and if you rule them out that means you have no other solution but to contact the authorities and have them protect you & your child
A further note: Make sure that while you speak of these issues in front of him during your round the table meeting that you also praise his good aspects. Make sure that you are specific regarding what makes life unbearable between you two and not turn it into "payback time" and go on about how he complains about your cooking. Remember, it is not all the other things in life that bother you, it is the lack of intimacy.
And lastly and most importantly, stay good. Yes, stay good. It doesn't matter how bad others are it is no excuse for you to be bad. Stay good with Allah for Allah is the Protecting Friend.
OP: It's been six years now that my husband is not intimate with me. Whenever I ask for love making we end up in an abusive fight. He beats me very bad, so that in the end I had to apologize for all the mess.
Your beating and fighting are secondary to sexual problem your husband has. Your asking for making love is not going to get him up and ready. I don't think your husband has control over his sexual functioning.
Your husband beats you if you ask for sex, just imagine what he will do if you talk about this openly in front of family/friends or imams.
Don't seek advice in person from scholars who may take advantage of the situation.
Get your husband involved in non-sexual massages (no touching of sexual parts) where you both can come close and relax.
Your beating and fighting are secondary to sexual problem your husband has.
If someone beat you up, would you seriously think that that would be secondary to anything? I mean, I think people have to imagine what it is like to be beat by someone and then have to apologize to the person that beat them up...I can't imagine someone beating me up and then I have to say "sorry, I shouldn't have asked for affection."
As for your advice, perhaps read the entire post again.
Extremely disturbing advice - to tell a battered wife that the violence is secondary to her husband's disinterest in intimacy.
"My husband beats me ". Response: "oh just engage in non-sexual massage".
"My husband beats me if I ask for sex". Response: "oh just engage in non-sexual massage".
@ Precious and @ Saba: I don't support a husband beating his wife under any circumstances. My advice to engage is non-sexual massage was to bring closeness and relaxation leading to inimate contacts so wife won't have to ask for sex and her husband will not beat her.
Svs
i hve tried each n everything.sorry it sounds weired but dirty texting or sexy attire or being funny.i hv tried everything.
sixyears: i hve tried each n everything.sorry it sounds weired but dirty texting or sexy attire or being funny.i hv tried everything.
Well as you said before "If I'm all naked in front of him he doesn't care he turns his back and sleeps". Looks like visual or mental stimulation is not turning his mental sexual switch on.
By getting involved in non-sexual naked touching activities without expectation to perform may take the pressure off and actually help. Taking shower without touching sexually may be one such activity. Tell him you will do it only if he does not turn it into a sexual thing.
Thank u everyone for answering and supporting me.
My situation is way tooo confusing.he loves her daughter so much and is a very good father.and i have told my mother n brother about all this situation. Allhamdulillah they understood me.my brother asked few lawyers abt child custody. And in Pakistan a mother can have the custody of her daughter until puberty. it seems easy but courts need proofs.
He fulfills every need of his child.he can in future.so the lawyers said they can't guarantee 100% abt the custody of child.
This is where I fear.if he gets the custody wat will I do.my life wil be finished.
Assalam alaikum,
You live in Pakistan and the advice has to be according to where you live.
The court system in Pakistan is a painstakingly difficult process with promise of justice served even with a strong case as money can buy anything.
I don't feel comfortable telling you to stay in this situation--perhaps someone who has lived in Pakistan can shed light on what support systems may be available to you.
My prayers are with you and your daughter.
And my mother in law lives in my native town where my parents also live.now I'm thinking to shift thr wth my mother in law.so he can live alone here nd do watever he wants.
As my daughter is only 6 nd very attached to her father. That's y I want to move wth my mother in law so I can give my 100% attention to her.by the time she will be 8 or 9 she will be more attached to me and will understand me more.thn it will be easier for me to take any firm decision.
I don't want to jump on the 3rd step immediately. i want to take small 2nd step.if it will not work thn will go for 3rd ie divorce.
As I know my husband if I will ask for divorce he do wat ever he can to get his daughter back.
So you are planning to use his daughter against him .... This can turn very nasty.
Asalam Alaiakum sister,
First of all six years is a long time and beating you is definitely wrong. You husband feels like a very stressed out person. Sexual attraction varies after a while as the Coolidge effect sets in. i would suggest a few days to few weeks away from each other. This might make him appreciate you a bit more.
If (Allah forbid) he doesn't change then an intervention should be arranged involving elders from both families or whoever you both highly respect.
For a man sex is about releasing tension. A male orgasm is about being free, feeling freedom, basically nothing ness. There is a reason the french call the male orgasm 'La petite mort' or little death.
A few pointers:
Make him relax by massage, sweet words, admiration, etc.(no more nagging)
Boost his testosterone levels by giving him eggs (preferably boiled), beef, mutton, etc. High body fat or BMI can reduce testosterone and produce estrogen. (A man can't control himself from loving if his testosterone levels are high enough).
Boost his testosterone levels by encouraging him to lift heavy weights at the gym. (Cold baths also help)
If he's sad or depressed at all it could be a vitamin or omega-3 deficiency so a men's multivitamin & omega 3 supplement should be given or lots of fish (two servings per week), vegetables & fruits.
Take great interest in his hobbies, interests, fantasies, etc without judging him. e.g fav actresses, movies, activities, etc. (remember be positive)
He'll start to open up more and you'll get a pretty good idea what he likes. (again no judging him) After that it's just a matter of time before he can't keep himself away from you. Your slightest seductiveness and he'll be ready to go. 🙂