My husband hates my daughter from a previous relationship; what do I do?
How to deal with jealousy?
Assalam O Alaikum,
My husband and I have been married for 2 years and have a little girl who's 3 months, the problem is I don't know if I can love my husband anymore. My husband doesn't get on with my daughter (from a previous relationship) who is 9. When I first met my husband, he was kind, considerate and a 'real gentleman' however, my daughter (then 7) he will always find a way to argue and send her to her room just because my daughter loves her newborn sister and want to play with her. I've asked him to be civil to each other but even that is too much for him, he is always glaring at her (and even friends have noticed). My husband watches her (and me) and is always having a go at me.
I think the problem is that he's jealous of my close relationship with my daugher but what can I do? Things are sooo bad now, that I have to make sure I'm in the same room. This all sounds so trivial but I'm (we) are close to a divorce. I've tried to talk but he's just verbally aggressive towards me.
Any advice would be great.
hoyomama.
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Sister,
Have you talked to your husband about what is going on and the things which you are seeing? His behavior is unbecoming for a father figure. I cannot imagine what your daughter must feel about all this especially at nine years old! As her mother, you must take a stand and let her father know that you will not tolerate him being verbally abusive to her or yourself. Totally unacceptable. I pray that he will wake up and acknowledge that his behavior is not that of a grown man dealing with a child. Surely there are other ways such as sitting and talking in a compassionate and understanding manner.
Salam
Sister as women its hard enough for us to remarry and when you have girl's even more so your husband took you as a package and now you have a child together he should be even more understanding, tell him that you never want your child to feel left out and not welcome in her own house he needs to man up and stop feeling intimidated by a 9 year old child insha'Allah i prey he comes to his senses,
I do not blame your husband.After all, she is not her daughter.
I think Islamically, you had relinquished your right to custody of your 9 year old daughter when you remarried . Please correct me if I am wrong but if this is the case, I can see the logic and reasoning behind this law.
You should have realised that no matter how much effort you put in convincing your current husband or any other man ,he wouldn't be able to fully accept some one else's daughter or son. Sounds reasonable.
lala, you're right about the legal custody issue. (See here: http://islamqa.info/en/ref/20473). However, we do not know the circumstances of this case. Perhaps the biological father is not interested in asserting custodial rights, or is not fit to do so.
As far as the new husband's feelings toward the children, I think it's a case-by-case situation. I think if I married a woman with younger children, I would be happy to accept them as my own, and treat them as my own, Insha'Allah. IF the children were older (like teenagers) then it might be difficult, or perhaps I would be less involved. It's hard to say. In any case I certainly would not be unkind or aggressive toward the children.
Sister hoyomama, I agree with others that your husband's behavior is unacceptable, and that the two of you should seek marriage counseling. If he is unwilling to do so or even to contemplate changing, then it may be time to separate from him. The needs and well being of your children must come first.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother Wael,
Nice advice, but if you don't mind I want to ask you little question. It is if she decide to separate for a women is it possible to raise two daughter by herself? What if her husband dosent support or she dosent work? I thought some women stay just the sake of her children well-being? I could be wrong just want to understand how those women will have confident or be strong?
Thank you
Walaikumasalam
Nadia
Do you think it's conducive to the daughter's well-being to live with a stepfather who hates her, glares at her, and punishes her for nothing?
I don't know the sister's situation. If it's not possible for her to live on her own, then it's not possible. But if she can live with her parents, or get a job, then she may have options.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
From where I sit, this man married this woman knowing full and well she had a child. It's not like she appeared out of thin air! Everything aside...how hard can it be for a grown man to show compassion and love to a nine year old girl? If he loves his wife, surely he can share his heart and his love for her child! Big deal her daughter is from a previous marriage...is she not a human? Is she less of a person because she is not of his loin? Disgusting and pathetic behavior really. If a person can bring a stray dog home to give shelter to from the rain and food to eat... how hard can it be for one human being (a muslim at that) to give kindness and compassion to the offspring of the one he loves?
Allah hu alem
salam aleykum
i think you are being naive and unrealistic to say "maybe she can get a job". this is not enough to consider a divorce as being viable or feasible. we take a promise in front of Allah to commit to each other and support each other and be loyal when we marry. we simply cannot just give up because we dont like how things are going. doesnt Koran say "you may not like a thing that it good for you?" i mean marriage is a commitment and it is selfish to say "divorce" as an option - remember it is detestable in the sight of Allah, and man y verses and a chapter in the Koran tells us it is always always better to work for a solution to stay together rather than to divorce. We cannot allow ourselves to become infected with the Western disease of being selfish. who is to say life would be easier for the sister and her daughter and their now little baby sibling without the father? Mashallah forgive me if i sound cross but if you are an editor you have responsibility and cannot just offer opinions.
salam
Nardar, you raise a valid point. Divorce should really be a last option. If you see my first comment above, I recommended marriage counseling so that the family can learn to relate to each other in healthy ways. I only mentioned divorce as an option in case the husband is unwilling to stop the unkind behavior toward her daughter. The welfare of the children should always be the top priority.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Lala it still doesn't excuse his bad behaviour towards the child.
If the mother remarries it doesn't mean that the father immediately takes custody over the kids. It means the mothers maternal aunt or maternal grandmother takes custody . But its all depend on the circumstances in a situation.
Salaams,
Your husband is behaving in an immature way. Like zenaa said above, he knew when he married you that you and your daughter were a package deal. He can't reasonably expect now that he's married to you and has his own child with you, that you are going to put your daughter on the backburner and make your new family your only focus. Personally, I feel that the way he is treating your daughter is form of emotional child abuse, and if I were in your shoes it would be a dealbreaker for me. He would need to either start treating your daughter with the reasonable respect and care due to her from a stepfather, or pack his bags. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but your daughter shouldn't have to pay the price for your husband's selfishness and insecurity.
So many stepfathers (and stepmothers) are happy and willing to embrace their new stepchildren, and care for them as their own. There is a natural affection that should develop in blended families, and it seems to me your husband is not even making any efforts to cultivate that at all. I can tell you, if he doesn't change, the behaviors he is showing is only going to continue to have an effect on your daughter and could impact her for the rest of her life. You don't want that, and she doesn't deserve that.
I suggest you give your husband an ultimatum: he come with you to marriage/family counseling to work on the dynamics in the home, or he can think about living without you and his new baby. If you can't even leave them in the same room together alone, there are some serious problems that need to be fixed right away, or you need to cut your losses and find a man who will love you and your children unconditionally.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaama aleykum my dear sister. I hope you are ok and well, when my advice reaches you. Sister, maybe your husband doesn't realize the pain he is causing to you and your daughter. May advice to you will be ask your husband if he had a child from previous marriage and he brought that child with him, how would he like you to treat or be with that child. Tell him that it is hurting you what he is doing, and I pray sister Allah guides your husband. Wasalama aleykum warahmatulaahi wabarakaatuh.
Hoyomama,
the situation you are in is not an easy one. If your husband is the type you can reason with, try to have an open discussion and ask him why he is treating your daughter the way he does. He knew you had the child, if he accepted her, he needs to man up. If he thinks he has the right to abuse your child, please, put the interest of your children first. Your daughter deserves to be loved.
Best wishes.
Warda
You are terrible people to do and say the things you say and to judge. Someone is down looking for a helping hand and all of you are arguing about sending the child with another family. He should grow up be a man take care of his family and not asked for the mothers hand in marriage if he couldn't fulfill the things these ladies needed if he loved her and his new family he would take the time to build a relationship with the 9 year old and put the well being and happiness of his family first. If this isn't something he's willing to do then she should leave because the children will pay the price of this selfishness from fear of going against your Muslim beliefs.