Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am unable to understand why he degraded me

hijabi sister

Salam Dear members .. please advice and help me to make final decision....

I got married in March 2017. Our engagement remained for almost one year but my fiancée never tried  to talk to me. Being female, I also did not try to contact him as I dnt want to take initiative in this regard. Before marriage, I was told that he is religious minded and nice person.I am working as Assistant Director  in a ministry and he is a lecturer in a private college. His brothers' and father's repute was not good but everyone told us that he is very nice .  my parents and I was happy that he is religious minded and nice person.

On my first wedding night, he didn't talk to me much and said I am sorry I want to sleep. His expressions were like he is not happy at all with this marriage. I thought he was tired and exhaust. On second night he was not with me and on third night he initiated talk saying love hurts, love breaks, love is pain and I am lost, I am broken and he asked me to make a promise that I will allow and help him to do second marriage. I asked him' are you serious? He said yes I am serious. I still thought that he is not serious. I asked him if he liked someone else but he didn't reply. He did not come close to me.

Then from the first day, he tried to keep me busy in work and he himself lock himself in another room. When I noticed after three four days that he is deliberately avoiding me I tried to talk to him. I assure him with soft and loving words that I have been loving him since I got engaged with him and have been thinking and imagining about him. I daily get ready and dress up Well before he got up. But he did not give me a single smile. He was normal and seems very happy in front of others. But in front of me he behave like he is so much forced to live with me. I also noticed him doing texting on mobile. I asked him who is she but he replied you will tell everyone. He sang sad songs all the day and dialogues like I am broken, I want to die, I will die soon..

He also praises him that his female university fellows attracted towards him and he is so much handsome that when he wear black T-shirt his mother forbade him to go out side because of "nazar" . He showed me his selfies and said see I am looking like a CEO. He said that he would have been direct appointed as director if he has made efforts for government job.  He said that you should listen to my words carefully, my talks are great. He said that you are lucky girl I dnt talk too much but I am talking to you and giving you time and soon I will be silent for long time.

I thought he needs extra love and attention and want me to initiate. I myself tried to come close to him though I dnt want to do so as in our society females do not initiate and poses to be shy even then I went close to him but he said I am not ready, I need time, my heart is not with me, if you want my love ask Allah HE will  give you I can't. If he is not ready for physical relation then at least he can give me happy moments by talking or caring me but he never give a single smile nor hug or any light talk or take me outside home. He did not even take me to my mother's home.   I cried before him and asked him what is my fault and he keep repeating " love breaks, love hurts, I lost, I am broken. I said to him dnt love me but at least respect me dnt do texting in front of me it hurts me. But he keep on doing texting to his ggirl friend. I talked him clearly that if he wants to marry someone else then do and leave me but do not keep me in this state of emotional torture. He said he can't and asked me that if I could give him double happiness mean I should stay in his life and also allow him second marriage. I asked him to stop contact with her but he replied dnt stop me , let me fly let me do love. I tried to show my love and obedience all 15 days I remain with him. he always tried to prove that he is far better than I. I dnt know why he want to be in competition with me. Do anyone compete with his wife??

I didn't even share with my family in start but now I am at my father's home and tell them everything. I am unable to understand what he actually wants. If he really like a girl then why didn't he marry her and if he could not then why he did this all to me. I asked her parents that if he had told them about his choice but they are refusing that he did not like any girl. Even I heard that he is ready to take oath on Quran that there is no other girl in his life except me. He is saying that he was kidding and I misunderstood that. I manage to extract his mobile data where I found that girl's number. I approached that girl and she is his colleague and they are in relationship since long even the watchmen and some other colleagues confirmed that they came before collage timing and also hav physical relations. But to me he said that he will ask Imam what the right Way in shariah for husband wife relation in bed. Now I got the news that the girl got married jst few days ago. If he was aware that they can't get married then why he showed his relation to me?

Now he is asking everyone to give him a chance to talk to me. But he did not accept his faults before anyone. He just saying that he want to talk to me and will clear everything to me. He neither accept his mistake nor apologise for that. Rather he is saying that he kept me very happy and were fulfilling all his duties and I only misunderstood him. When my elders ask then why you did not touch her or even gave her happy moments he did not give them clear answer and began to complaint that why I told this to elders I am her husband how she can told these details to anyone. When I was with him, I told him many times that I can't bear this anymore and if I went back to my mother's home then I will never return back to you, he moved his shoulders carelessly and replied to me that he will not make any request and he will take it as his luck. I stayed with him for fifteen days and he didn't make physical relation with me though I tried to initiate many time and asked him openly. One day when I came back from office, I was so much exhaust and in need of love. I don't know why I was so much in need of kiss that unintentionally  I requested him so much to kiss me. I begged him to kiss me but he did not. He turned his face to other side and said that perhaps someone else has right on my lips. Then a kid of his elder brother came to our room. My husband hold that kid tightly, hug him and give him kisses and looked at me as he wanted to show that he knows how to make love. I felt so much insulted and degraded. One day I asked him what he want to eat he said bring me what Arsto took I asked him Arsto has reason to take poison why you want to take poison then he replied that Arsto has only one reason to take Poison but I have many reasons. I asked him the reasons but he did not replied. These are few things he did to me in those fifteen days. I can't write all here. In short,  He always poses like he is so much depressed and unhappy and everyone did wrong with him but when I asked him what other did with him he never replied.He forbade me to extend leave from work and even asked to continue my studies. I asked him that we should go out so he might feel good but he refused. He tried to be authoritative since first day. He asked me clean home and to do laundry since first day. He never help me in work.  He is working in Same collage since seven years and have not done anything else. Now he is planning to start his studies or business. He said that I want to start my routine as early as possible. He is planning to start business or go for studies. I also felt that he only wants my income and  the huge dowry my parents gave to me and has no interest in me. He asked me for gifts in lighter moods like iPhone 7, branded shirts, perfumes.

I am unable to understand why he degraded me.? If he has some psychic issue or he only wants to show me that he has affairs? Should I give him another chance though I dnt want to go back.

punjabian


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12 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaykum Punjabian,

    If you have already left him, then no, I wouldn't go back.

    May Allah grant you a loving spouse.

    Hugs,

    Nor

  2. SISTER ,this guy is total waste of time .Tell all details to your parents and kick him out .

  3. Sister he has no interest in you. He clearly married you either for material gain i.e. your dowry or because he was pressurised into marrying you. From what he says love hurts etc he had a girlfriend who he was unable to marry and he is depressed about this. But he oppressed you by marrying you.

    The way he was behaved is abuse. There is no other word for it. Withholding love and attention from the spouse is abuse. Please do not return to him. Don't waste your time listening to his excuses for why he behaved in this manner. There is no excuse for this sort of behaviour. He doesn't deserve you or your time.

    Take some time away from him to heal. I feel you may blame yourself or wish that you had tried harder with him or given the marriage more time.
    Nothing here is your fault. He is at fault. His broken heart is not your responsibility. You don't owe him anything.

    I pray you can heal and move on from this abusive relationship. Alhamdulillah it was short. I would advise you not to return to him.

    Please do update us on how you are currently.

    • Thank you Nor, abc, Prayerful sister for reading my post and giving your precious advise...

      I have taken khula from him a week before Eed . During these three months, elders from his family and my family tried to solve the matter, but he didn't clear things to anyone. He said to everyone that there is just little misunderstanding and my elder sister misguided me. I remained confuse and thought again and again that had I over reacted to his behave.? My father was clear in his opinion that I should not went back but my mother was confused and wanted me to went back. My mother called him 4-5 times but every time when my mother asked him why he had not told his family about his choice before marriage or wether he wanted to do second marriage or not, he didn't give clear answer and tactfully diverted talk to make blame on me that why I had told minor details to elders and now he could not clear his heart for me. He said that the affair was only a time pass and everything would have become ok with passage of time. He said that was a trial for me. He came to my father alone on pressure from his family and asked my father to let him meet with me but my father asked him to clear things which he had not clear to me. But he kept on denying and said that I falsely accused him and he did not say anything to me like his heart is not in his control or go and perform hajj and pray from Allah for my love etc... even he completely denied his relation with any girl though he had accepted that before my mother. When my father emphasised on the issue of girl, he said that he dnt want to talk on this topic. My father after meeting him was more determined about decision to take divorce because he accused me of lying. But my mother was still not agree. Besides , many other relatives and our family friends went to him but he didn't meet with anyone. Even my sisters' husband had to followed him to meet with him because he was not giving time to anyone but that effort also proved fruitless because he again didn't clear anything. He said that everything was going well, he is unable to understand what happened to me at once and my elder sister misguided me. (My elder sister was the first in my family to whom I shared everything after two weeks of wedding.)
      He made things more complicated for me because he tried to prove me liar in front of my parents. He never allowed anyone to solve the matter. He wanted me to accept that it was me who was wrong and took step in haste due to misunderstandings. Not to speak of apologise he didn't even realise or accept his faults.he always tried to keep things unclear and ambiguous. I remembered he said when I was with him " he liked to get answer of his questions from people and dnt like to give answers to others' questions. he said to me that he was always right...

      Though most of the people who met him in those three months with an intention to solve the matter, advised me to not to went back. Even then I feel a regret now that I should have met him for once. But at that time what he was saying and how he was keeping things unclear, hurt me so much that I didn't want to see his face. When he and his family members used the word "misunderstanding" it filled me with anger and hatred for him because he deliberately said and did all that to me and I kept on asking him again and again about the reasons of his behave during all those 15 days.

      He and his family said that Islam has given such a place to husband that if husband suffers in a skin disease, his wife is directed to clean his skin with her tongue, but I did not respect him and came home without his permission. His sister said that I should not left home even if he bring another wife and keep her in same room of mine.

      I dnt know I did right or wrong but Allah Knows that my intentions was not to disrespect him. When I left his home , I was not aware that things will become so much open and many elders would involve in it. Even today I asked myself "did I over react"? only thing which I can say with full responsibility that I did not lie. I told the situation without any exaggeration. May Allah forgive me if I did wrong in performing my duties as a wife.
      I pray from my heart that no girl ever face the situation which I faced where one have no evidences to show to people of the mental, emotional and silent torture which I faced.

      • "He and his family said that Islam has given such a place to husband that if husband suffers in a skin disease, his wife is directed to clean his skin with her tongue, but I did not respect him and came home without his permission. His sister said that I should not left home even if he bring another wife and keep her in same room of mine."

        This is not real Islam.

        Alhamdulillah sister, you have made the best decision of your life. Your husband's family sounds toxic and uneducated. Your husband himself is a cowardly liar.

        You are NOT to blame.

        May Allah ease all your pain and suffering, and give you strength to move on, and may Allah grant you something a thousand times better, Ameen Ya Rab.

        • You have done the right thing. What you describe there is a disguisting human being. He is full of arrogance and self righteousness and he is in love with himself, showing you selfies and telling you you should pray to Allah for his love, and go to Mecca for it. Is this a real human being or is he a pathetic caricature? He thinks he's so important, like the Pharao himself, so high and mighty, and he has zero respect for you. He was going to make your life miserable like you couldn't imagine and you should thank Allah that he's out of your life. Your father is a very smart man and he made the right decision.

      • Aameen ya Rab. Sister this story hurts me and I pray that Allah helps you in this test. Please keep us posted insha Allah, I really want to know how things go with you. May Allah bless you with a husband who respects you, loves you, cherishes you, honors you and makes you feel like a princess and holds your hand and enters Jannah with you. Aameen

        My only advise to you my dear sister, is to get closer to Allah and make dua like there's no tomorrow. Make lots of Istiqhfar (repentence) to Allah and at the same time thank Allah by saying Alhamdullilah despite you being in such a challenge. And my dear sister, if you do this, with in no time, will you get relief and an easy way out of all this chaos. May Allah help you sister, and please keep us updated insha Allah

        • Assalaamualaykum Muslimah,

          You write:

          My only advise to you my dear sister, is to get closer to Allah and make dua like there's no tomorrow. Make lots of Istiqhfar (repentence) to Allah and at the same time thank Allah by saying Alhamdullilah despite you being in such a challenge. And my dear sister, if you do this, with in no time, will you get relief and an easy way out of all this chaos.

          This is beautiful MashaAllah. May Allah bless you sister for the great advice to this sister.

          Sister Punjabian,

          I am so happy for you that you made the right decision! Please don't second-guess yourself...the feeling of "wondering what would have happened" will go away with time but the feeling of torture if you went back would only get 10 times worse.

          You write:

          "He said that the affair was only a time pass...He liked to get answer of his questions from people and dnt like to give answers to others' questions."

          These are red flags/warnings from him to run!

          "He said that was a trial for me."

          It is not for him to give trials...it is for Allah the Most Just.

          "...situation which I faced where one have no evidences to show to people of the mental, emotional and silent torture which I faced."

          Please remember this anytime you doubt yourself. Emotional/psychological torture is the worst and loneliest kind of torture and Alhamdullah you escaped.

          You have done part of the work and the rest of your job, which is to not doubt yourself, Allah will help you with... I'm sure of it!

          Hugs,

          Nor

      • Salam Panjabian,

        There is no problem with you. It seems that this guy was in love with this other girl and she got married to someone else. Either she was already engaged or his offer for marriage didn't work out. I don't know why he then decided to marry you. It could've been either out of commitment to his family, or to make this other girl feel loss through watching him marry you, or to get his mind off of her marriage, or just to feel better that someone would marry him as well.

        In any case, he's not ready to be in a relationship with you. He's still in love with this other girl and so he fails to fulfill his responsibilities to you. You did nothing wrong here. To make matters worse, he's now trying to act innocent and is saying that all of it was a misunderstanding. There is no way that him not trying, talking to another girl, telling you that he will get another wife this early in the marriage is all a misunderstanding. Please go for divorce, he didn't touch you so it's pretty easy at this point. Divorce and move on from this. Don't let one man who isn't emotionally available hurt you in any way or prevent you from marrying someone nice.

        As for what his sister said about a woman having to clean her husband's disease with her tongue I did not find that in the quran. In the Quran the woman's rights are the same as a man's rights. So if you were required to clean with your tongue then he would be required to clean your skin disease with his tongue. And there is no permission you need to get a divorce. If you are divorcing, why would you ask if you can leave his house? Here's the quran reference for rights:

        **
        https://quran.com/2/228:
        Divorced women remain in waiting for three periods, and it is not lawful for them to conceal what Allah has created in their wombs if they believe in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands have more right to take them back in this [period] if they want reconciliation. And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.
        **

        So your rights are the same as his as to what is reasonable. Congratulations on leaving him and I hope you get a better husband than this one. Salam.

  4. I am really thankful to everyone for your kind prayers and healing words..

    In Pakistan, the girls who have secret boyfriends may get good proposals but a girl who get married under Islamic values and remained with her husband even for a single day and got label of divorce, could not get good proposals. They have to face lot of questions of their relatives and other people. M not hopeless and have full trust in Allah but I have altogether give up thinking about marriage. M trying to realise myself that this need is not everything in life and life can be made purposeful without it. My mother is so much ill after this incident that she is confined to bed. M looking after her and jst focusing on my job, studies and career. But perhaps I could not get answer to a question whole life that why he did all that to me... Kiya usy itna Sacha "ISHQ" tha that he couldn't see his wife who showed her full love, sincerity, obedience, loyalty to him. Or I am so unattractive that even in bridal dress I could not attract him. Every male member in my family told me that a husband can't stay away from his wife in early days no matter how she looks like... Now when I have taken khula from him, this question should not come in my mind but this keep me disturbed all the time.

    May Allah bless everyone with sincere and loving spouse because this is the most beautiful relation among all. Ameen

    • Sweetheart,

      You write:

      "Or I am so unattractive that even in bridal dress I could not attract him. Every male member in my family told me that a husband can't stay away from his wife in early days no matter how she looks like... Now when I have taken khula from him, this question should not come in my mind but this keep me disturbed all the time."

      You cannot compare your relation with him to normal marriages, as there is definitely some malignant narcissism there as "Truthful" describes above. You have absolutely done the only right thing to do in this situation. You could think about it this way: If you were smart enough to see through his words/actions after only two weeks and correctly feel that they were inappropriate, would you be able to deal with these same words/actions for the rest of your life? Allah, your father, and you have given yourself an opportunity some do not get...to leave while you still can!

      So glad you are focusing on your career and life outside of marriage right now, as that is the best thing you can do while you heal from this experience.

      May Allah grant you happiness.

      Hugs,

      Nor

    • I am a Pakistani woman myself, and I can understand and relate to your dilemma. The problem is, our country is very far away from true Islam, and the Hindu culture and traditions are more dominant.

      My dear, please don't ever doubt yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and everything is wrong with your ex husband. From your posts, you seem like a smart, sensible, dedicated and a beautiful lady. You were unfortunately thrown into a terrible situation, and Alhamdulillah you were able to get out of it, but please never ever doubt your self worth.

      I repeat again, your ex husband is not a good person. Not only he was blind, he was a narcissist, an emotional abuser, liar and a coward. You deserve so much better than him, InshaAllah.

      You need to heal from this horrible experience. Cling to Allah, perform Ibadaah, and keep yourself busy with the things you enjoy. It's great that you are focusing on your job, studies and career. Keep your self-confidence high, and be strong and lenient with yourself when negative thoughts enter your mind. Do you have a close trustworthy female friend? I find venting to them about your feelings, emotions and thoughts can help to a degree.

      And don't worry about the future. When the time is right, you will get excellent proposals, InshaAllah. Always remember (as I tell myself everyday).... there's the Pakistani society and then there is Allah. Which is more powerful?

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