Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married but in Love

I'm 30yr muslim man, married, going to have kid soon. When i was 18 i fell in love with a hindu girl (my student). I feel she loved me too but she didnt accept as I was her sir. Just for her happiness i agreed but I still waited for her for 10 years, as i love her too much. Later she got married to a nice muslim guy. As i was stil in love with her i rejected many marriage proposals And on family pressure i too got married to a nice muslim girl, who is carrying my baby now. But i told my wife about my love for that girl before marriage as she knows that girl. But i m stil in love with that girl and cant stop it. Recently she joined my class for further studies and thats is when i got to know she is unhappy in her marriage. I can see it in her eyes that she is still in love with me. She shared all her problems and cried in front of me. But i cant see tears in her eyes. I want her to always be happy and now i dont want to lose her. i just want her for rest of my life but i dont know how? Plz help me!

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9 Responses »

  1. Dear Brother in Islam: You are walking down a very dangerous path. I do give you credit telling your wife when you married her that you loved another woman, but at this point, you should as common English expresses "Man up."

    Be a responsible Muslim and limit your contact with the woman you claim you love. A married woman. You have a wife who is about to have your baby, but you are sneaking around having intimate conversations with another married woman who claims she is miserable. Guess what? You are making your own wife miserable.

    You are responsible for any unhappiness and sorrow your own wife might have if she should learn that you are getting yourself involved with another woman. How would you feel if you learned that your wife was having serious talks about you with another man she truly cares, telling him of how unhappy she is. If you continue on the path you are on, you might find yourself divorced and your child without their father in their life possibly suffering with emotional problems or having trust issues because their father was carrying on with another woman. And take into consideration the hypocrisy you will have when you tell your young son or daughter when they are older to not get involved with the opposite sex, while they will know you cheated on their mother. You might find yourself unemployed because most colleges frown on students and professors having illicit relationships especially if they are both married. You might find yourself in the middle of a scandal, being known as the man who cheated on his wife while she was pregnant. Nice.

    If you are financially well off, you might consider having a second wife and marrying the young woman. But I can assure you already that will end in a disaster. Your present wife will be emotionally destroyed by your behavior. You are being extremely unfair to her. And selfish. And the woman who is unhappy in her marriage has shared only her experience and view. There is an old saying that "There is Her Story, His Story and The Truth." And intelligent women know that married men tell unsuspecting women all the time that their wife "doesn't understand" them, only to eventually learn that is not the case. Maybe the young woman you claim actually is being honest with you, but she is also failing in her moral code and sharing marriage secrets with you. This is all totally inappropriate. Take into consideration that the woman signed up for your course. This was no accident.

    Stop thinking with your sex organs and think with your head. If you want this woman so badly, maybe you should be honest with your wife, divorce her and then marry the married woman once she divorces her husband. Are you prepared to do that? Are you prepared to break your wife's heart, destroy her, have her raise your son or daughter on her own and then be known as the man who divorced his wife and ran off with a married woman. Love is a wonderful thing. But it fades, comes and goes as the years go by. Many men and women are full of regret because of poor decisions like the one that you are now facing. Be mindful of your duty to Allah, to your own wife and unborn child.

    • SubhaanAllah sister I just read your comment after submitting mine and while waiting for approval of my comment. You put it much better than me and explained so much better. JazakhAllahu Khairan for people like you who think in a logical, fair, appropriate and islamic way. May Allah bless you and save the marriages of the ummah from such calamities.

      Ameen

      • Same here. I was reading her comment and thought, the sister has spoken!
        Great advice and I hope the brother in Islaam will follow your advice.

  2. Salaam alaikum brother I would implore you to not let shaiytaan mess with your head. Leave her and thoughts about her way behind you.

    She is somebody else's wife. It is haraam for you to think about her. Also totally unfair on your wife. Do you not think how uoh would feel if yiur wife felt the same about someone else? Please try to overcome these thoughts and feelings and ask Allah for protection and guidance against them.

    Your wife deserves your sole attention and love. If you give her that then trust me she will love yih much more than any other woman can ever love you.

    Also do you really think that girl is good for you??? She KNEW that you had feelings for her and you were INTERESTED in her but she CHOSE to come to your class to further her studies and ALSO to tell YOU that she is having problems in her marriage!!! That to me seems immoral and not respectable behaviour on that woman's part. A woman should never discuss her marriage problems with other men who cannot help her to fix her marriage problems unless she wants to start an illegitimate bond with that other man.

    Seriously brother you have a good marriage save it. Save your family. They are your responsibility. Forget that woman. Do not allude to her advances and pretence. Yout wife needs yoh now, don't lose your wife's respect and love for you. Allah forbid lest you lose your own family for a woman who couldn't care to keep herself away from a married man who she knows was interested in her already. What kind of a life partner would she make?! Don't lose the good life you have now. Be there for your wife and baby lest one day you are left with nothing but a lack of self respect and control of nafs.

    Please forgive me if I have offended or misunderstood your situation in any way.

    May Allah save your marriage and bless your household.

    Ameen

  3. Forgot her for your family and ALLAH

  4. Salam,

    The first step is that the marriage you're in needs to be your choice. So far, with you being in love with this other girl, you may resent this marriage in that it prevented you from being with the one you love. So let's start there, know that you can divorce and it's completely your choice if you wish to do so. The next step is to figure out which path is the best path for your afterlife and for that you need to answer a few questions:

    1) Can you do justice to the girl you're married to or are you not going to give her love and keep crying about this other girl you missed out on 12 years ago? If this is the case, not only will you affect your wife but you will also affect your kids. Can you fix this so that you love your wife and fulfill her rights? If you can then this is a positive, chances are that your wife is more into Islam than the hindu girl that converted. Also If the hindu girl hasn't converted then you can't marry her anyway.

    2) Imagine the girl you love looking like her mother. Would you still love her then? I ask because in 10-20 years she's going to look older and her good looks will fade. How will you feel about her then? At that time would you regret that you left your wife and child for this woman that wasn't the best muslim? Or do you think you would love her even if she looked like her grandmother?

    If you're not going to fulfill your wife's rights and be a bad husband than you might as well divorce and marry this hindu girl. If you can be a good husband to your wife then you should do that. You need to understand how things are going to play out later past the honeymoon stage and which partner you can do more good with. Once you're done looking at the situation and making a choice, if you choose your wife then it will be your decision. You will be more solid on staying with her and treating her without resentment of losing the hindu girl. If you choose the hindu girl it will be still your choice and hopefully you'll have avoided leaving your current wife in a state of being married but effectively unmarried. Salam.

  5. Selam Editors,

    I have posted a reply. It has gone to the spam folder for some reason.
    Please correct.

    Thank you.

  6. Aselam o alaikum,

    I've had a quick skim of one or two of the comments- And they have given good advice, elhamdulilah.

    I just want to add my own tuppence- and do forgive me if I come across as harsh.
    ...

    Please please do not give in to this waswasa - it's shaytaan's whispering. Allah tells us in the Qur'an that Shaytaan is our 'clear enemy'. (17:53)
    That is what he is doing. And you are following and obeying by making your weakness - this young lady- seem like a good option to you.
    But she is not. It is your nafs trying to defeat you. Please defeat it before it has the upper hand in the battle against your taqwa.

    You have given so much commitment and investment in the relationship with your wife. Like someone has mentioned, it is totally unfair on her! Let's look at some of the qualities/features of your wife;

    1- She is married to you despite knowing that you like another.
    2- She is carrying your child despite knowing that you like another.
    3- She has left everything for you. So that she can have a life with you.
    4- She is your wife, your other half. Your woman. You are her man. The lady in question is also someone else's wife. Why are you throwing her away like she is a piece of rubbish?

    I don't know your wife and I can't say anything about her. But as a lady, I admire her tolerance, her Sabur and find it inspiring. That her husband tells her he is in love with another - and she is still being committed to him.
    I'm not married but I'm sure that that is the worst nightmare of a married woman.

    You say:
    I can see it in her eyes that she is still in love with me.

    How? Where is the evidence? Has she *told* you that she's in love with you? Are your eyes reading her eyes with the eyes of your heart? And only seeing what you desire?
    Please do not believe it unless there is hardcore evidence - apologies for coming across so legal. You can not base your decisions on impulse, speculations and unfound conclusions.
    Please do not ruin what you have with your wife because of a fling or crush.

    Talking about lowering gazes is another concern here, but I will leave that discussion for now.
    ...

    You say that:
    ...I do not want to lose her.

    My sweet, sweet brother- she was never yours!
    You never had her so how will you lose her??? She belongs to someone else as do you. If she is not happy, then she can talk to someone about it, you can help her get help. Be a good human, a good Muslim. Help her out by contacting the authorities or the relevant organisations so they can help her. Direct her to the right people but try not to do no more than necessary.

    A brother gave me advice on this website that you should not cross professional boundaries too much.. because then it becomes difficult to reign the emotions back in. I agree with this advice.
    ...
    You said that you want her to be happy. Keep her in your duas- that's the best thing you can do for her.
    Sometimes we fall so hard in love that we are so deep that we can contemplate the depth! It becomes hard to make a disctintion between day and night, between pain and joy, between sense and nonsense. Everything becomes a blur. The only thing that makes sense is that your beloved is...everything. Your day is your beloved. Your night is your beloved. Your sleep, your breath, your pain, your joy. Everything. That's what happens when your focus moves from Allah to other things, other people. It's hard- it's tough. Trust me. I know.

    But there are much better things. Sometimes you just need to wake yourself up and look at the bigger picture.
    ..

    (On a separate note, how were you her teacher at the age of 18? What country is this in?
    I'm just curious and just interested as Where you can qualify so quickly.)

    Also, considering she is your student and depending on the country you are in- are you not in breach of your contract of employment or terms and conditions if you pursue a relationship with a student????

    May Allah the almighty help you. Ultimately, the decision is yours- and I really hope you make the correct one.
    I wish you the best

    X

  7. you said she was hindu? did she convert and got married to a muslim guy.

    you know very well that its haram to meet and talk any other woman other than your wife but still you are behaving like a kid and asking how should i get her.

    you are saying that you can clearly see in her eyes that she is not happy in her marriage ....these dialogues look good in bollywood movies ....stop acting like a hero Mr. Zero and focus on your married life.

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